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Nights were the hardest. That’s when she could hear it--see it-- in her head. The screams, the fire. During the day she tried to hide it from them, from her family, and when she couldn’t, she would hide herself away from them instead. She would lock herself in her room, or walk aimlessly until the sun began to set. Lup wasn’t even sure they noticed when she was gone. None of them had anticipated the consequences of what they had done, and it was eating them alive.
But yeah, nights were the hardest. She would try and stay awake, focus on the ceiling, keep her breaths steady, don’t blink, never blink. Barold was always besides her, and more often than not, Taako was too. He’d slip into bed in the night, and she’d brush the tears off his face, and comb her fingers through his hair until his breathing steadied and his shoulder’s stopped shaking. Barry understood. Of course he did.
He was struggling like the rest of them. He got up early and went to bed late, spending is days locked away in his lab. She’d found him in there once, beakers on the table in front of him, his head in his hands. He was muttering to himself, and she watched his tears drip down onto the paper as he began to sob openly. She couldn’t go in, she couldn’t comfort him because now she was crying too and he couldn’t see her like this. Lup cursed herself as she left. She knew she was running away and she couldn’t stop herself. For all her bravado, she was weak.
She had the same nightmare every night. She’d lie in bed, restless, too hot. Often the stifling blankets would get tossed onto Barry, who was something of a human radiator himself. On days when she couldn’t take it, she’d move to the couch. There, she would stare out the large, round window on the wall, at the inky sky outside. She’d try her hardest to stay awake, but she never could, and when sleep inevitably came for her, whether in bed or not, her nightmares would as well.
Storms began to rage around her as soon as she closed her eyes. She was in a dusty town that looked like it had once been quite charming. Little houses line the street, as a bar called ‘The Singing Monk’ has flowers growing in the window. It’s aesthetic is ruined though, by people screaming. The wind began to pick up. She felt great. She felt strong. She felt powerful. Then, someone in front of her. Children. A brother and a sister. They were crying and the sister was holding the brother in her arms, kneeling the dust.
“Don’t hurt my brother! Leave us alone! Don’t hurt my--” And suddenly Lup was the little girl, and her brother was sobbing. In front of her stood….Herself. Lup. The center of the storm. Dust whipped up around her, the gauntlet, her own awesome, horrible creation tightly affixed to her arm. She raised a hand towards the children. Then the whole world erupted into flame.
Lup woke up in a cold sweat. She leapt from the bed, her socks slipping on the floor as she dashed for the bathroom, where she bent over the toilet and threw up her dinner. She hadn’t eaten much, and dry heaved for a while, heart racing as she shivered in the cold, night-time air. The sink dripped methodically, and the cold tiles made her knees begin to ache.
She didn’t hear the footsteps approaching.
“Lup…? Is that you? Lup--Oh my God, Lup, are you alright?”
She registered Barry in the doorway, then he was crouched beside her, his warm hand on her back. She lurched away from him, wiping her mouth on the back of her arm quickly. She couldn’t bare to let him touch her, couldn’t bare to let Barry, her Barry, see her like this. Like some kind of defeated husk.
“I’m fine. I’m fine, I swear. something at dinner must not have agreed with me!” She tried to laugh, but it came out as a sob.
“Oh God, Lup, why didn’t you wake me?”
The concern in his eyes almost made her want to throw up again. She was the strong one, the fighter. He shouldn’t have to worry about her. “You shouldn’t….I didn’t want…” She sobbed again and a dull throb of pain echoed in her chest. “You were sleeping.”
He reached for her, but drew back as she wrapped her arms around herself. “Oh, Lup. You know I wouldn’t have cared.” His voice was soaked in understanding, and she clenched her teeth so hard they hurt.
Then she smiled, holding back the wave of emotions that threatened to crush her. “I don’t know what’s gotten into me. Nothing a little sleep can’t fix, I’m sure! I’ll be--” she faltered as she met his eyes. “--fine.” She needed to get out. He could see right through her, so she strode towards the door, ducking her head as she passed him.
He pulled her to him, too fast for her to anticipate and Lup melted in his arms, burying her face in his shoulder. She wanted to say something, an explanation, a defense, but he beat her to it.
“I’m sorry you didn’t...didn’t feel like you could talk to me. I know I’ve been kind of distant lately, but I didn't realize… I’ll do better, I promise. I can-- We can be here for each other.” His voice was pleading, anxious, and it floored her.
He blamed himself for this?
He blamed himself for this.
“This isn’t...Fuck, Barry, none of this is your fault! I’m the one who can’t keep it together! I’m the one who's closed off from you! I--I’m the one who keeps running away! Not you. God, Barry, even if it was, even if you were distant, I wouldn’t blame you. Thousands of innocent people are dead because of something I created! How can I expect you to stand me? I can’t even stand myself!” She took a shaky breath and brushed some hair out of her face. Her mouth still tasted like bile, and her skin was crawling. She squeezed her eyes shut, the screaming and crackling from her nightmare a horrifying symphony, resonating through her head.
“Lup?”
When she looked up again, he was staring at her, mouth agape, horrified. “ I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up,” ran through her head in a panicked loop. ‘ I can’t lose him, I need him, I-- ”
He kissed her, and suddenly she realized how terrified she had been that he didn’t love her any longer. That while she hid herself away, he’d realized how horrible she was, how much better he could do. It wasn’t like she was his only option any longer, and even as kind as he was, she could only expect him to take so much. She’d been scared he would hate her as much as she’d begun to hate herself, but the feeling of his lips on hers washed away her fears, and she began to cry with reserve, fat tears sliding down her face and soaking into his shirt.
They stood there in the dark for a long time. At some point, Barry started crying too, and then they were laughing, sitting on the cold tile floor of the bathroom.
“I’m sorry. I’m all gross and sweaty and vomity,” Lup laughed tearfully, rubbing her eyes.
“I think I got snot in your hair.” Barry sniffed, but he was smiling as he pushed himself to his feet. His gaze was steady, and he held out a hand to help her to her feet.
She took it.
“Why don’t you clean up and come back to bed? You’ll feel better after a goodnight’s sleep. I can make breakfast for us tomorrow, so you don’t have to worry about anything.”
She nodded and then smiled as he kissed her on the cheek before disappearing back out into the dark hallway. As she brushed her teeth, Lup stared at her reflection in the mirror, a million things running through her head. She was happy, relieved, and exhausted, but she had also made up her mind. Tomorrow, she was going to go get the gauntlet back. She wouldn’t let it hurt anymore people. This whole thing, it had been her mistake, but she was going to fix it, and then she could be happy. She could be someone who deserved the love Barold had for her. It wouldn’t take long; just yesterday a town had been glassed not far north of where they were, so she knew where to start looking. She had a perfect hiding place in mind as well…
When she crawled back into bed, Barry slid his arms around her, and she reveled in his warmth.
“Barold J. Bluejeans, I think I might just be the luckiest elf alive.” With this proclamation, she closed her eyes, satisfied, and nestled into the blankets around them. Though she couldn’t see his face, she knew he was smiling.
“I love you too, Lup.”