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Changbin didn't believe in the little myth his mother told him when he was young-- when he was afraid of heating pads and wouldn't let her put him down on one when his back twisted painfully in soccer. She told him, at the time, that warmth could heat pain right out of a body, and with one more twist of Changbin's back, he was convinced. He lay down on the heating pad and let the heat take all the pain away.
He was older, now; he was eighteen and he didn't still believe in the myth, but he pulled his hood up over his head when he started to feel a pounding at the back of his skull; and he pretended the heat surrounded the pain and began to chase it away.
The heat hadn't begun to work its magic on his mind for more than two minutes before Chan was coming by, gently shaking Changbin's shoulder. He thought Changbin was asleep-- evident by the way his voice whispered, "Changbin? We're rehearsing on the main stage in three minutes," and the way his back bent to be eye-level with Changbin. Changbin looked at him, and Chan straightened his back. He was a little embarrassed at the way he had spoken to Changbin; he casually bumped Changbin's shoulder and said "Rehearsal," and Changbin laughed a little at the way his cheeks were flushed and how quickly he sped away.
Changbin gathered himself up. He shrugged off his jacket, because he didn't want it for rehearsal. He didn't want to be hot. He gained sight in his peripheral vision with the dark grey of his hoodie torn away from it; and he spotted Jisung and Felix. They were fooling around together, as always. Jisung had wide eyes as Felix slowly cornered him, backing him against the wall. Felix was laughing; Jisung was suppressing one. Jisung's expression; Felix's laugh; Changbin was almost distracted into staring. He did for a moment-- a moment long enough to see Felix's lips meet Jisung's, and then he looked away.
It had been three months of this-- starting with five months of Jisung and Felix's relationship, one of which was "hidden" from the members; and into that five months cut the three months of Changbin being unable to witness their love.
It wasn't disgust; Changbin knew that much. In fact, it warmed his heart to see Jisung and Felix kiss. It warmed his heart to see them cuddle, and wrestle, and look at each other like there was nothing else in the world. It was disgusting in a way all perfect couples were--the way that made you want that type of relationship -- except Changbin couldn't even find that much disgust, not the way Jeongin and Seungmin and Hyunjin and Minho could. He could only find the desire-- the desire not only to have a relationship like theirs, but to be in that relationship, to be one of the two men.
What made Changbin's head pound was trying to figure out which one he wanted to be.
At first, he thought he was jealous of Jisung, for being with Felix. It made sense to him, that he would pine for Felix after-- number one, being the closest to him; but also being pushed to interact with him because the fans liked the way they looked together. It only made sense that their hyperactive skin-ship would make them feel closer; it was scientifically proven that nice, gentle, physical contact with people released a certain happiness in the brain that then associated good feelings with that person -- and it was scientifically proven that the mind liked familiar things so being around someone made you like them more and more as time went on. Felix and Changbin were perfectly compatible -- scientifically.
But then--so was Jisung. Jisung was Changbin's best friend from much farther back. There were in a sub-unit together! Jisung clung to Changbin for guidance; his fingers curled around Changbin's bicep when he was nervous. He had that pretty little smile that always asked Changbin for advice or shared excitement and happiness with him. Jisung was familiar, and perhaps he wasn't as familiar recently, with so many schedules and so much interaction between all the members-- and the hyper-interaction between him and Felix-- but he was the kind of familiar that was nostalgic and wrenched Changbin's heart
-- so it was no wonder, really, that Changbin was confused
-- and that his head was hurting.
All of this passed through his mind in a matter of second-- the same number of seconds he stared at Jisung and Felix. When they kissed, and Changbin looked away, he ripped his thoughts away, too. As intense as his feelings were, and as confusing at they were, he was a professional-- on his way to being one, anyway, and he could focus on a rehearsal. He gathered up his wits and headed to the stage. He heard Jisung and Felix giggling; he heard their scramble to join the others when Hyunjin yelled at them to hurry and stop flirting. Changbin tried not to focus on them--but he hated that he noticed that Jisung and Felix were giggling, but he didn't quite register that Jeongin was doing vocal warm-ups, or that Chan and Minho were playing around, pushing each other around. (Even subconsciously, he was focused on Jisung and Felix.)
Changbin was maybe going a little bit crazy
-- because he maybe looked at Felix and Jisung in the car and saw Jisung sitting on Felix's lap, and he maybe wished Jisung would sit on his lap instead; and he maybe wished he could sit on Felix's lap instead; and he maybe thought maybe I'm in love with both of them.
But that was crazy, wasn't it?
Wasn't it?
"It's not crazy." Chan told him; and, for the record, Changbin didn't even remember saying anything to him, but he knew from the way his chest heaved that he had just unleashed all of it. He could tell, too, by the look on Chan's face-- and, by extension, Minho's, because he, too, was sitting in the room. Minho moved to sit on the bed next to Changbin and sling an arm over his shoulders, and he confirmed, "It's not crazy."
Neither of them were going to be able to explain why it wasn't crazy, and they weren't going to be able to say anything more--or so Changbin thought. Chan, however, was their leader for a reason. He sat down next to Changbin and told him, skillfully, "You shouldn't let this plague you too much. I think you might be more jealous of the fact that they're in a relationship than the fact that they're in a relationship with each other."
"They both look so... I don't know. They're both so--" Changbin was very animated in the way he talked, because he couldn't get his thoughts out with words. Maybe he could express his thoughts in body language-- but that wasn't working, and he ended up smacking Minho in the face accidentally. (He apologized, but he laughed all the way through it.)
"Science says that people in healthy relationships-- especially young, healthy relationships-- are more desirable than those who are single." Chan said a moment after Minho had forgiven Changbin for clocking his upper lip. The eldest male comforted a hand over Changbin's thigh, "You're not the only one. Hyunjin told me the other day that he had an intense desire to kiss Jisung during practice."
"I didn't know Hyunjin liked guys?" Minho asked, his interest peaking as he peeked around Changbin. Chan looked at him, "He... doesn't, but I'm telling Changbin-- you're not the only one. It's just-- science. Psychology-- the strange workings of our mind."
"Okay." Changbin said. He felt a weight lift from his shoulders, "--So I'm not... really in love with Jisung? Or Felix?"
"I wouldn't say that for sure, but I'm almost entirely certain you're not." Chan said. He pat Changbin's back a couple times, "Don't worry too much, okay? I've noticed how quickly the aspirin is disappearing."
"I'm sorry." Changbin muttered, and Chan rubbed comforting circles into his back, "Don't worry about it. I can always get more-- just stop worrying yourself into headaches, okay? I don't want you in pain."
"That's why I take the aspirin." Changbin muttered softly. Minho snorted, and Chan rolled his eyes, "You know what I mean, Changbin. It's late-- go to bed. And stop worrying, okay?"
Jisung and Felix followed Changbin into his dream. He was peacefully bowling by himself, munching on honey cashews and trying to score a strike, when Jisung and Felix entered the bowling arena and sat with him. They were holding hands, and they had their bags slung over their shoulders. They were each carrying a pretzel; Felix had a simple salt pretzel, while Jisung's was sweetened with cinnamon. They cheered Changbin on after they said hello, and they shared sweet-and-salty kisses that looked awful delicious, and Changbin wondered whether he'd like to taste the salt of Felix's lips or the cinnamon of Jisung's.
Changbin woke up with a sweet tooth. He moved straight to the kitchen-- which was rare for him, first thing in the morning-- and opened up a brand new package of cinnamon cereal. He dumped some into a bowl and poured in some of Woojin's almond milk-- not quite paying attention to what exactly he was using. He very well could have used orange juice if his grip had moved five inches to the left. He angrily ate his cereal, staring aggressively at the wall as he mulled over the thoughts in his head.
Chan wandered into the kitchen some minutes later. He stopped at the entrance. He noticed Changbin's staring and he carefully looked behind him. There was nothing there that would make Changbin angry, so Chan moved on-- looking to the refrigerator and making a soft gesture towards it, "You left the fridge open."
Changbin finally snapped out of it, looking at Chan. It took him another moment to register exactly what Chan had said, but when he finally did he apologized. Chan took the milk from the counter, laughed a bit at the fact that Changbin was even using it, and put it away, shutting the refrigerator's door. He sat down in front of Changbin and folded his hands over each other on the table. He asked, "Are you okay?"
"They followed me into my dreams." Changbin said. Chan raised an eyebrow, "Who would that be?"
"Jisung and Felix."
"Good," Chan said, his shoulders falling in relief. He was joking around-- "I thought you were about to pull a horror movie line on me-- tell me my demons or something like that."
"They might as well be demons."
Chan considered the words. He rolled his eyes up, pouted his bottom lip, shrugged his shoulders-- "I wouldn't disagree," and he said it with his palms out toward the ceiling, and then he relaxed into a laugh. He leaned against the table as the mood lifted-- as Changbin laughed a little. He asked, "Was it a bad dream?"
"No? Yes? They were kissing and I wanted to kiss them." Changbin said. Chan asked, "Which one?" and Changbin, at first, said, "Both," but then he tasted the cinnamon on his tongue from an unconscious bite of his breakfast and he reconsidered, "Actually, I think I wanted to kiss Jisung more-- because he had a cinnamon pretzel and I woke up with a sweet tooth."
Chan frowned a little, his lips falling apart about an inch as he thought about the confusing statement. It only took him a minute of muttering "Pretzel... cinnamon... sweet--" and then he looked at Changbin's cereal, and he snapped his fingers, "Ah," and he nodded, "Okay, okay, yeah. So, Jisung."
"Jisung." Changbin agreed. He leaned his head back, groaning, "Why did I fall in love with Jisung? He's annoying."
"I don't think you did fall in love with Jisung, Changbin. I still stand by what I said about post-puberty." Chan said. Changbin, with his eyes still closed, begged Chan quietly "Please don't call it post-puberty," and Chan laughed a little. He stood up, and he pat Changbin softly on the shoulder, "Finish your breakfast-- I'll make you some coffee, and you can come work on some songs with me today."
Chan knew exactly what to do to make Changbin feel better.
Chan knew exactly what to do to make Changbin feel better.
Changbin wasn't sure why he hadn't thought of it before. Chan knew exactly what to do to make Changbin feel better. Changbin wanted to kiss someone, and be with someone, and know what it was like to be in love-- Chan would know exactly what to do. Why hadn't he thought to ask Chan before--?
"Can you kiss me?"
....Maybe because Changbin was out of his bloody mind.
It was too late to turn back, now. Chan had already caught sight of Changbin through the mirror. His eyes had lifted so slowly from the computer, Changbin knew immediately he was interrupting something important. Chan almost had a glare about his expression, except Changbin knew he wasn't angry-- he was just focused. Chan looked at him for a moment, and asked him, "Why aren't you at the dorm?"
Changbin decided to just say screw it and follow through with what he'd already impulsed. He entered the room and closed the door behind him; he flopped into a chair next to Chan and leaned forward against his legs. He told Chan, very seriously-- with no regret about him quite yet, "Because I need you to kiss me."
"For?" Chan asked, glancing for a moment at his screen and then back at Changbin. Changbin hung his head for a minute. He didn't know. He placed his hands on the back of his neck; he lifted his head. He rolled his shoulders. He leaned against his knees again, "I need to know I'm not crazy."
"The fact that you're asking me to kiss you out of nowhere is, honestly, a little crazy."
"It is. You're right." Changbin said. He leaned back, and then he leaned forward, and back again. Chan stood up, and tapped Changbin's shoulder, "Okay. Get up-- you're restless and you're honestly stressing me out a little bit."
"I'm so confused." Changbin said, his legs following Chan's command, his fingers jogging through his hair, "I've never liked anyone in this group and suddenly Jisung and Felix come along with their lovely little relationship and I'm falling head-over-heels for everyone."
"Or," Chan said, rubbing Changbin's shoulder, "You came here as a young trainee so you didn't have a hell of a lot of experience with young love in the first place, and now that you're seeing it your hormones are going into overdrive and confusing you -- because you are still only eighteen, and as 'adult' as you may feel, you're still a confused teenager."
"Yeah." Changbin said. His head lulled forward and he sighed. Chan gently massaged his shoulder, "Hey. This will pass, I promise. In the meantime, don't go around asking everyone to kiss you-- you're probably going to freak someone out a little bit."
"I won't ask everyone. Just you. I trust you." Changbin muttered. Chan smiled a little bit. He told Changbin to sit, and he sat himself. He asked Changbin to listen to what he had so far; he asked Changbin for a little bit of advice-- what did he think? Did it fit with the upcoming concept? Changbin worked with Chan until five in the morning; they lugged themselves back to the dorms and fell asleep together on the couch, not quite making it to their respective rooms.
Chan followed Changbin into his dreams, this time. The two of them were talking, and eating kettle corn-- and Changbin was hyper-aware of the older's sweet-and-salty lips, but Changbin didn't panic because Chan gently told him, with a hand massaging his shoulder, this will pass; and even if it didn't... Changbin trusted Chan.