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“So. I met a girl.”
Brian knows it was bound to happen at some point--Jae’s amazing, how could it not?--but he just had no idea that it would happen like this or that he would feel like this. What did you expect, anyway? For him to pine? He and Jae have been best friends, well, practically forever: met in the playground back in 1998 when some asshole was trying to steal Brian’s lunch and Jae’s pocket money--he’d succeeded at both, sure, but they’d cried together under the swings on the far side of the playground and plotted their revenge (they poured Jae’s entire fire ant collection into the guy’s bag the following week).
After that, they were pretty inseparable, a buy-one, take-one deal. Wherever Jae was, that’s where Brian would be. They grew up together: were boy scouts together, joined the school band together, smoked their first cigarettes together, started uploading lo-fi covers of their favorite songs together, and now, are roomies in college together, their two single beds so close in the cramped room that when Jae bent his knees as he lay on his side, they almost brushed Brian’s. So close that sometimes Brian woke up with Jae in his arms, his hair a rumpled smudge of platinum-blonde hair at the corners of his vision. So close that sometimes Brian reached out as he was falling asleep and tugged on the sleeve of Jae’s sweater just to check if he was there, just to feel Jae tug back and say Night, BriBri. Sure, Brian had taken the Business Administration major because Jae mentioned something about wanting to stay in LA--and sure, Jae had taken the Political Science major because that’s what he’d gotten accepted for at the school he’d seen Brian applying to when they were at his place on afternoon. Point is: they’re still here, still together, lying in the dark as the moonlight cut through the junction where Jae’s pajama-clad knees almost skim Brian’s bare ones.
Brian blinks, trying to process what Jae’s told him. Almost subconsciously, he reaches out for Jae in the silver-lit dark, a sense of relief flooding through him as the familiar softness of Jae’s sweater reaches his fingertips.
“That’s great. Who is she?”
Brian doesn’t have to look to know that Jae is smiling. He can hear it in his voice, in his reply.
“This girl from my CitiGov class. Her name’s Lim--short for Hyelim. She’s really pretty and super smart. She’s good at everything, she likes coffee, she loves to laugh. I think you’d like her.”
When Brian speaks, he tries to keep his voice chipper, tries to keep it the tone that he’d use if it were any of their other friends telling him this--if it were Sungjin telling them about yet another date or Wonpil talking to them about Dowoon or Dowoon asking them if they think he should ask Wonpil out.
“That’s great.” Brian hugs his pillow close, moves to let go of Jae’s sleeve, but Jae catches it.
“Is it?”
“Yeah,” Brian says, putting on his best smile, looking up to hold Jae’s gaze in the blue dark. “You deserve to be happy and she sounds amazing. You should go for it.”
Jae lets out a soft giggle. “My turn to rant about my love life for once, huh, BriBri?”
Brian rolls his eyes. “Very funny.”
All throughout high school, Brian had been pretty open about his dating life--well, yeah, there was the whole being in love with Jae for years thing but Jae is a pretty vocal guy and Brian had figured a long, long time ago that if Jae was interested, he’d say so, that if there was anything there that was going to happen, that could happen, it would’ve happened somewhere between boy scouts and getting high in Jae’s parents’ basement on Spring Fling night in sophomore year. So instead, Brian had gone out with a couple of girls, a couple of guys, had one semi-serious relationship which underwent an amicable break-up when his ex-boyfriend moved across the country for college. And every time, he told Jae everything--because, well, it’s just what they did, what they do.
It makes sense, Brian thinks. It’s got to be give and take.
“So when are you guys going out?” Brian puts on his best matchmaker voice, his best bro-bro voice.
Jae lets out a soft laugh. “Why does your voice sound like that?”
“Like what?”
“Like you’re talking to Sungjin.”
“Well--I mean--you’ve never shared love stuff with me before. It’s a little weird. I don’t know how to react.”
Jae snorts. “Well, I’ve just never really had anything to share.”
“You’ve never dated anyone?”
“Nope.”
“Ever?”
“Ever.”
“Holy shit, Jae.”
Brian lets out a small oomph as a pillow hits him square in the face.
“Thanks for the judgement, Captain Underpants.”
“How is that even an insult?” Brian laughs, throwing Jae’s pillow back at him. “And I’m not judging. I’m just saying that I always figured you were just more shy about that stuff. I thought there were high school flings, maybe, that you just didn’t feel like talking about.”
“Nahhh.”
“So you’ve never asked anyone out before?”
“Nope.”
“Have you asked--what was her name? Lim, was it? Have you asked her out?”
Jae groans into his pillow. “No. Like I said I don’t know how. And there’s also that other thing--”
“--what--oh--”
“--not that, you pervert.”
“Oh okay, so you have--”
“--well, no.”
Brian blinks, his cheeks pink, warm as a sudden thought crosses his mind of Jae sighing beneath him, of how soft Jae’s lips would feel against him.
“Ah, well. That’s fine. It’s just a thing.”
“It’s just a thing that everyone knows how to do--”
“--dude, that’s what porn’s for--”
“--well, obviously, but what about the kissing part, Bri?”
“You’ve never kissed anyone,” Brian repeats in disbelief.
“Thanks for rubbing it in.”
“I’m just surprised. You’re an attractive guy.”
“You’re such a good friend.”
“No, I mean it.” Brian’s heart thuds in his chest as he feels that odd urge he hasn’t felt since sophomore year--that confession building in his throat, the urge to tell Jae everything that he’s held back for so long. This is literally the worst fucking time. “I mean. You know. Lots of girls liked you in highschool, man. And some of the dudes too.”
“I’m picky.”
“Well, they kiss in porn.”
“That’s not kissing, it’s showing a camera you can put your tongue in stuff.”
“Well, I don’t know what to tell you,” Brian says, sighing, suddenly tired, the weight of the day pressing down on him, pushing him into slumber. He closes his eyes, feeling sleep slip under his lids quiet as a knife under skin. “There aren’t kissing lessons available on campus. It just doesn’t work like that.”
“Kissing lessons, huh.”
“Don’t even think about it. If you go hunting for prostitutes to teach you to ask a girl out, I swear to god--”
“--that’s not what I was thinking, you idiot.”
“What, then?” Brian asks. “YouTube tutorial?”
“Well,” Jae says slowly. Brian can hear him rustling around in the other bed, the springs of his mattress squeaking. “Well, I mean. You’ve kissed a lot of people right? I mean, all those people you used to rant to me about--you kissed them, right?”
Brian’s eyelids fly open. “What the hell are you asking me, Jae?”
“Do you think you could teach me to kiss?”
The answer is out of Brian’s mouth before his head catches up, his heart thudding in his chest.
“Yeah, sure.”
Jae’s decided that it’s going to be weird-not weird. He lets out a breath, the professor on the platform saying sentences he knows are important, pointing at diagrams of social structures that he knows are probably going to show up in the test--but Jae hears none of it. His thoughts are on exactly two things: first, the fact that Hyelim is sitting beside him, smelling like strawberries and vanilla and getting all the answers right and because he’s been tracing the same pyramid over and over again in his notebook, he’s almost sure she thinks he’s stupid. Second, the fact that after this class, he’s going to have to worry not just about asking her out but also about kissing Brian.
Kissing Brian. The Brian--his Brian.
Jae turns the thought around in his mind like a coin dancing along expert knuckles: trying to see both sides and really only catching the shape, the movement of the thought. Well. It made sense the night before when he was half-drugged with lack of sleep and half-inebriated at the thought of finally being able to go out on a date, finally finding someone who he liked who wasn’t Brian.
It’s no fucking joke being in love with your best friend for years--moreso when the said best friend is smart and charismatic, everyone’s favorite pansexual who is basically a prince, basically someone everyone worshipped. For years, especially around the time that senior year rolled around, Jae thought he might actually up and confess: of course, there was sophomore year in his parents’ basement when they’d gotten high and just stared at each other after eating their way through a whole bag of Snickers bars. Brian had said he was going to say something and then backed out--and a part of Jae lit up like a candle: could it be?
Senior year felt like an ultimatum, like the big threshold: if moving away and moving on and all that bullcrap wasn’t enough to get you to tell someone how you felt, then what was? But the thing is that Brian was with Chan--Jae liked Chan, would never do that to him. The thing is that he and Brian weren’t moving away and moving on: they were moving an hour and a half away and moving in together. It seemed stupid and then, all too quickly for all the time it took, it seemed too late.
When Jae woke up earlier this morning, Brian was already up, sitting at his desk, drinking coffee. For a moment, he’d forgotten about last night, the only though on his mind the need for either caffeine or the luxury of sleep: none of which were available. So instead, he’d dragged himself out of bed and done what he’s done for years--draped himself over Brian, resting his head on top of Brian’s as he reached for his coffee cup and took a good, long swig.
“Well, there you go,” Brian had said, reaching up to pry the mug out of Jae’s hands. “Early in the morning and we’re already swapping spit.”
Jae stiffened, suddenly remembering what he’d said--and what Brian had said.
“Har har.”
“I’m free after my calculus class at five.”
Jae blinked.
Brian didn’t look away from his notes, just continued copying the solutions from his scratch sheet onto his assignment booklet.
“Okay.”
“See you, Jae.”
What the hell am I doing? Jae lets out a sigh, doesn’t hear the bell ring.
“Jae, you alright?”
Jae looks up to see Hyelim smiling down at him, her head cocked a little bit to the side. Well. Here goes nothing.
“Yeah,” Jae says, nodding. “I’m fine. Actually, I was wondering--if you aren’t doing anything next Thursday afternoon, maybe you’d want to have a cup of coffee with me?”
Hyelim smiles. “I’d like that.”
Jae grins despite himself. “Great. Alright. I’ll see you then. I’ll text you.”
“Alright. You do that.” Hyelim grins, gathers her things before walking toward the door.
Jae glances at his watch. Five o’clock. It’s fine. It’ll be weird-not weird.
Brian brushes his teeth thrice before Jae gets back from class--so he’d lied, so he’d been free since three-thirty, but wanted to be prepared. Wanted to be able to shower for once, to floss, to make sure he knew what he was doing. After last night’s bout of nervousness, Brian thinks he’s been able to psych himself up for this whole thing pretty well: at the very least, he’ll finally stop being curious about how it’d feel to kiss Jae. At the very least, he’ll be able to help his best friend hit a milestone in his life. A right of passage.
I’m going to be his first kiss.
Brian feels an odd twinge of regret--a brief thought of I wish I’d waited for him too before he pushed it aside: because Jae isn’t waiting for him, he reminds himself. Jae hasn’t been waiting for him. Jae just needs him to help him out.
When the door unlocks and the handle turns and Jae comes bursting into the room, cheeks windblown from the cool air outside, hair that fluffy poof of white-blonde that’s always reminded Brian of Jack Frost (except way hotter), Brian jumps.
“You okay?” Jae asks, smiling as he shuts the door behind him, the lock clicking in place.
“I’m fine.” Brian says, wishing for once he wasn’t so good at pretending he wasn’t nervous, he wasn’t about to fall apart at the seams. “How was class?”
“It was okay.” Jae replies, putting his bag and books down at his desk before sitting on the bed beside Brian. “I asked Lim out.”
“Oh,” Brian says, finding himself meeting Jae’s gaze, finding himself mesmerized by the way the afternoon sun turns Jae’s brown eyes a shade of burnt gold. “Cool.”
Jae chews on his lower lip but doesn’t look away. “So. Uhhh. Yeah. So the date’s happening so I guess this means that the kissing lessons are happening.”
“Guess so,” Brian says, nodding, his gaze drifting down toward Jae’s lips--soft, now curled into a small smile.
“Well,” Jae shrugs, trying to keep his voice from wavering--and failing, the words coming breathier than he intends, breathier than Brian expects. “Okay, then. Let’s start. What do I need to know?”
“Well.” Brian blinks, holding his breath as he reaches for Jae’s hand and presses it to his cheek. “You could do something like this--it’s soft and romantic but also firm, letting me know that this is something that you want. That this is something you’re sure about.”
Jae nods, lets his hand curl against Brian’s cheek. He improvises a little: uses his thumbs to brush the apple of Brian’s cheek. Brian leans into his touch despite himself, closing his eyes for a moment.
“Was that good?”
Brian nods. “Yeah. Okay, now--eye contact is good too, but only until a certain point. So usually if the other person wants you to kiss them, they lean forward a bit.”
Brian moves closer, tilting his head slightly to the right so that his nose stops just short of brushing against Jae’s. Brian’s heart is pounding in his chest, so loud, so hard that he’s afraid Jae is going to say something and he won’t hear it.
“And then?” Jae’s voice is soft, tender.
“Then once your noses touch--” Brian leans forward, eskimoing their noses together for a moment. He can feel Jae’s breath against his cupid’s bow, against his upper lip. “--you close your eyes and give into the moment.”
Jae waits a beat, waits for a split-second after Brian’s eyelids flutter shut before letting himself do the same. And then their lips meet, the kiss soft, tender. Brian realizes that now, whatever teaching he’s going to do is going to have to be through action: realizes that at this point, words fail--and so he puts a hand to Jae’s nape, pulling him closer, lets his tongue lick softly against Jae’s lower lip, letting his teeth drag softly against the swell of flesh as he asks for entrance. Jae lets him in, sure as a key turning in a lock: Brian goes slow even if his entire body is singing with heat, even if now Jae’s elbows are resting on his shoulders, his fingers tangled in Brian’s hair. He licks softly at Jae’s tongue and Jae meets him there: mimicking his motions--tender, slick, tasting, feeling.
When they pull away, a soft sound escapes Jae’s mouth: halfway between a whimper and a moan and Brian’s heart jumps in his chest, a bead of sweat rolls down his back. For a moment, they don’t say anything, for a moment, both of them just look at each other: take in the fact that they’re smiling, take in the fact that they’d done it--that thing they’d both fantasized about and dreaded like the plague throughout the entirety of their friendship.
It’s Jae who breaks the silence, Brian at a loss for words for once.
“How was I?”
Brian grins, looks at his feet, knows that his cheeks are flushed, knows what he’d felt, knows that he shouldn’t do what he’s going to do next.
“Pretty good for a beginner,” Brian says. “But I think we could do better.”
Jae grins. “You were always a perfectionist.”
With that, Brian tugs Jae in by the cuff of his sweater sleeve--the way that he’s done so many nights, saying Goodnight, Jae when he’d meant I want you so badly--and before they know it, they’re back in each other’s arms, the kisses deeper this time, more sure: Brian sucks softly on Jae’s lower lip and Jae follows suit, taking the opportunity to try new things--to lick into Brian’s mouth, to let his thumbs brush against the lobes of Brian’s ears, to let his tongue wander the inner rim of Brian’s lips.
By the time they pull apart, both of them are breathless.
“Good enough?”
Brian smiles, pulling Jae back in. “A+.”
They meant for it to be a one-time tutorial kind of thing, both of them trying their best to get back to their daily routines, to order take out, to do homework, to rant about dumb stuff--but it was like riding a bike downhill: after a while, everything was momentum, a flurry of movement that would only launch you into a world of pain if you tried to stop it. Suddenly, every night is Jae pushing himself onto Brian’s bed as soon as they hit the lights, everything a flurry of lips and tongue and teeth, eager hands that only dared to go so far, only skimming the boundaries of shirts, necklines, only hinting at where else they wanted to explore, and every morning is Brian trying to brew coffee in the morning only to find himself sitting in Jae’s lap instead, bringing his mouth to Jae’s in a wet, torrid kiss as Jae tried and failed to write his paper that was due the following week, the sentence on the screen one typed and re-typed as Jae tried not to think of how close Brian was, how he could reach out and touch him, press his lips to his own.
Suddenly every chance they have to hang out is in service of being pressed together: Jae being so bold as to press a few kisses to Brian's neck, Brian daring to pin Jae to the bed for a moment before catching himself and realizing that sooner or later, if they got horizontal his body would give him away.
They don’t talk about it, not really, both of them tiptoeing around it, talking around the edges of the matter instead of about it. They go like that for a week: small conversations about the theory of kissing, about how kissing is great for selecting a partner, about how kisses can be comfort. And before they know it, it’s Wednesday night. Before they know it, it’s almost show-time as Brian keeps calling it.
But every performance needs a dress rehearsal, a final run-through.
Tonight, they lie in Jae’s bed, both of them sweaty, hair plastered to their temples. They're lying facing each other, foreheads touching, noses skimming against each other, soft. Brian closes his eyes, leaning in to kiss Jae softly. He brings a hand up to Jae’s chest, feels his heart beating fast, loud, a mimicry of his own.
“Jae,” Brian says, closing his eyes and enjoying the way that Jae’s skin feels against his, wondering if this is going to be the last time.
“Mmmm?”
“You’re good at kissing. I mean I--I enjoy kissing you."
“Glad to know you’re pleased, teach.” Jae kisses him, close-lipped but tender, smiling against Brian’s lips. He reaches over to tuck a strand of Brian's hair behind his ear.
“It’s not weird, right?” Brian asks softly. “I mean. Things haven’t been weird with us. Not really. Aside from the making out constantly.”
“It’s weird-not weird,” Jae offers. “But more weird because it’s not weird.”
Brian nods, understanding completely. “I know what you mean.”
They stay that way a moment, watching each other in the soft darkness, Brian’s hand over Jae’s heart.
“Wish me luck tomorrow,” Jae whispers in the dark.
Brian tries to will himself to smile but he doesn’t meet Jae’s gaze, instead insists on closing his eyes, pretending to drift into slumber. And then he feels Jae’s hand over his heart as well--knows that his body has betrayed him, his pulse has given him away, knows that it’s too late, knows that whatever feelings for Jae he’d tried to stomp out were back and on fire: a small match setting an entire forest ablaze.
He pulls Jae in closer by the waist, kisses him soft, slow, taking his time, letting his tongue map out the territory of Jae’s lips, his tongue, the roof of his mouth. Jae holds him close even after they pull away. Brian finds himself reaching for the cuff of Jae’s sweater, the fabric of the sleeve catching between his thumb and forefinger.
“Goodnight, BriBri.”
“Goodluck tomorrow, Jae.”
It’s not bad with Hyelim, it’s just different--it’s like taking a shower after you’ve been diving in the ocean. It’s nice enough but it doesn’t rock you, doesn’t set your heart afloat, doesn’t make you wonder if you’ll ever be able to return to yourself--and that’s how Jae knows that he hasn’t, returned completely, that is. That's how he knows that he’s surrendered some vital part of himself to Brian: somewhere between the swings where they’d cried and Brian hogging all the marshmallows at camp, between that night in his parents’ basement in sophomore year and that first kiss, between that first kiss and last night when Brian kissed him and it hit Jae that it would be the last time: that after this, if things worked out with Hyelim, he would never be able to do that again.
The date is fun enough: Jae still finds her pretty, still thinks she’s amazing and incredibly smart, still has a good time. She laughs at his jokes and makes quick comebacks, teases him just enough. And after, he walks her to her apartment and she does it--the signal that Brian had talked about: leaning forward slightly, head tilted to the side as if wondering. And Jae had answered it by leaning in slowly, cupping her cheek as he’d been taught, kissing her soft, tender, tentative.
It’s pleasant but there’s something missing.
She smiles and Jae’s heart both sinks and jumps as it hits him, the missing thing: she isn’t Brian.
“Jae?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you okay?”
“What? Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”
Hyelim laughs softly. “Look. I don’t mean to overstep here, I mean, I know we’re friends but I wasn’t sure how close--and I just need to ask: who is it that you’re in love with?”
“Excuse me?”
“Look, I know the way that people behave when they’re in love with someone. And that isn’t how you’re behaving with me. And more than that, I know how people look when they’re dating someone else to avoid their real feelings--trust me, I’ve done it a billion times before. So who is it and have you told them how you feel?”
Jae grins. “You’re really something, you know that?”
Hyelim nods toward her apartment. “Why don’t you come in and let’s talk about it?”
“Kissing lessons? Whose stupid idea was that?” Sungjin laughs as he hands Brian his second beer. “Obviously, you two would end up falling for each other. I always kind of thought of you two as married.”
“Well, thanks for telling me,” Brian says, taking a swig. He tries not to think about what Jae is doing now, tries not to think about what to say or what to do about it when he gets back. “That was the shortest marriage I’ve ever witnessed.”
“Have you ever told Jae how you feel?” Sungjin asks, reaching into his pocket and offering Brian a cigarette.
Brian obliges, letting Sungjin give him a light. “Nah.”
“Well, why the fuck not?”
“He’s Jae. He can’t shut up about people putting pickles in his Mc Cheeseburger. I always figured that if he wanted me, he’d find a way to let me know.”
“Why do you think he let you borrow his car all the time in highschool? Why do you think he took you out every Valentines to go and play paintball--”
“--we were mocking the tradition--”
“--you were having a tradition--”
“--point taken.” Brian exhales, a stream of smoke floating up to the ceiling, the bar’s fluorescent light clouding over further. “Fuck, I’m such an idiot. I want him to be happy but I feel so fucking miserable.”
“Just talk to him about it,” Sungjin says, clapping Brian on the shoulder. “Whether or not it pans out, it’ll at least be better than the feeling of regret built up. That’s the fucking worst.”
Brian nods, finishing off his beer. “You’re right. Thanks, man.”
When Jae gets home, Brian’s been waiting up for an hour. He glances at the clock. Half-past midnight. He tries his hardest to look like he's just casually sitting on the bed, reading a comic book he's read a billion times. He studies Jae: hair windblown, cheeks flushed.
“I assume the date went well?” Brian tries to make it sound casual, not like he’d been rehearsing it to himself for the better part of the past hour.
“It was…unexpected,” Jae says, grinning as he puts down his bag, kicks off his shoes before plopping down on the bed next to Brian.
“So did you guys make out?”
“Nah,” Jae says, kicking teasingly at Brian’s foot. “We just talked.”
“HAH,” Brian jokes. “Until half-past twelve? I wasn’t born yesterday.”
Jae grins, leaning against Brian so their shoulders touch. “Mostly we talked about you, actually.”
Brian’s breath hitches: the sound is soft but audible, the loudest thing in the quiet room. “Oh yeah?”
“Mmm,” Jae replies. “Mostly about how I think I might be madly in love you--may have been for the past twenty years, actually.”
Brian looks up, meets Jae’s gaze, feels tears start to well in his eyes even as he tries to will them away. His voice comes out hushed, breaking over the syllables, the vowels crashing into consonants.
“Don’t play with me.”
Concern flashes across Jae’s face as the tears start to stream down Brian’s cheeks. He brushes them away, holding Brian’s face in his hands before kissing him soft and slow, the way that Brian had kissed him the night before: with love, with tenderness that’s waited years to reach its mark.
“I love you, Bri,” Jae says, softly. “You don’t have to say it back, but--”
“--I love you too, you idiot,” Brian says, pulling Jae in by the collar of his shirt and kissing him deep, with all the vigor of someone who’d thought he’d lost the most important person to him in the world, someone who thought he’d never get a chance again.
When they pull away, Brian scoots and Jae climbs into bed with him, both of them facing each other, forehead against forehead, their eyes trained on each other. Jae turns off the lights, letting the moon illuminate the night. Brian’s hand finds the cuff of Jae’s sweater and for once, Jae reaches out to hold Brian’s hand in his, intertwining their fingers together before bringing it up to his lips to kiss each of Brian’s knuckles slowly.
Brian squeezes Jae’s hand.
“Goodnight, Jae.”
“Goodnight, BriBri.”