Chapter Text
ATTN: Administrator
FROM: Miss Pauling
RE: Team 18B
Dear Administrator,
After our conversation on Monday about the "team satisfaction survey" that the last round of management consultants sprung on us, I decided to check one of the outliers: Team 18B (BLU division), the team with the highest reported employee satisfaction rate (using the consultants' terms) has a fairly standard kill count and an excellent track record, but as you pointed out, that high a level of contentment means that something is most likely amiss.
The most obvious problem is a potential violation of the company-wide Directive 11. As I'm sure I don't have to remind you, Directive 11 stipulates "all possible traces of friendship are to be torn up, incinerated, and the ground sown with salt and shrapnel." However, I believe this particular BLU team will not need to be sent to the abbatoir just yet; while the team has cohered as a whole (see addendum 12a, "Karaoke Night" and attached bills for private property damage), no member of the team is sane enough to sustain a lasting friendship. I've attached a number of associated documents, anecdotes, and other records that should demonstrate this in no uncertain terms.
What's odd is that Team 18B is one of the teams that we assembled after starting our outreach program -- the one that we've kept secret from Mr. Hale and Mann Co., on the grounds that they don't react well to women on the battlefield. I don't know that this has any relevance to the apparent morale of the team, but they do seem to have formed a bond that, given the following pages, I am reluctant to call friendship. To that end, I'd like to submit these documents with one question: should we do something about this team, or leave them as they are?
Incidentally, I've had the management consultants delivered to the polar bear hunting grounds with instructions that they be dropped out of the plane only after the steaks have been firmly attached to their clothing. May I suggest that if one does actually return for a second round, we consider hiring them as endurance experts?
-- Miss Pauling
Pauling: If any of those morons makes it back here, send them on to Saxton Hale. They can share bear-punching stories.