Archive of Our Own

Jongin pulled into the driveway of his childhood home, looking over the lights lit in the craftsman style home, front porch lit along with the rest of the wrap around screened in patio. He powered off his car, it was a simple red car he had gotten for his high school graduation, still works like a charm. His hand loosened on the steering wheel, exhaling out quietly as he let his head lean back against the car seat, listening to the crickets just outside in the grass on either side of the driveway. It was his first time being home since he graduated college, his mother begged him to come home but it wasn’t much of an inconvenience for him. Jongin got a job offer to start in September, just twenty minutes away from their small quaint beach town. Once his mother heard word of the job, she told him to come visit them and catch up with his family and friends. He liked the idea, really he did, he missed his friends from his town and he could take a break from paying things since his mother would be more than happy to give him money. His only complaint was that he wasn’t though ready for his mother and father, who despite him loving them endlessly, were a little much with smothering.

He sighed quietly at the thought of moving before getting out of the car, shoving the keys into his pocket as his converse padded across the pavement and popped open his trunk to pull out the bulky luggage. He slammed the trunk down and lugged it over his shoulder, walking up to the house with the wet humid air filling his lungs. Setting his luggage down for a short moment, he bent down to the potted plant and pulled out the key hiding behind a rock nestled in the soil, opening the door to step inside after putting the luggage over his shoulder. He hummed to himself as he entered the house, shutting the door with his foot, the living room dark with the overhead stove light being the only light source on. Jongin flicked on the light to see a completely clean empty living room. He smiled at the familiarity of the home, the blue and white striped couch cushions on the dark brown wicker, the glass vases containing different levels of white and blue sand leveling on one another. The TV was polished clean, not a single trace of dust on the flat screen hanging above the pointless fireplace, picture frames nestled on the fireplace on display of him and his family, or him with his friends.

Jongin walked up the creaky stairs and up into his rather plain room that was changed in his more recent visits since he insisted that having Ironman bed sheets was lame for a 22 year old, thankfully he got his way and made it a contemporary remodel. The bedroom was a slate grey with white, touches of lilac purple filled the room to make it feel more comfortable. Jongin decided unpacking could be saved for tomorrow as he made his way down the stairs to flick off the living room light, then going back into his room. Stripping down into nothing except boxers, Jongin crawled into his rather comfortable bed with a happy sigh escaping his lips at getting the well deserved rest he needed. His eyes were closed but he could smell the salt in the air from the ocean not a mile away from the house. A smile stuck onto his lips before he managed to fall asleep.

The smell of bacon roused him from his dreams, it was a nice dream of him diving into the waves with his best friend by his side, but bacon had his dreams beat. He put on a pair of basketball shorts with a white muscle shirt and walked down the stairs, running his fingers through his messy thick black hair. “Hey mom, dad.” He looked over at them who were already smiling with happiness at him, beaming to see their son back into their house for longer than a few weeks. The third presence at the table didn’t go unnoticed though, his best friend Oh Sehun sat next to his mother waiting patiently with a glass of orange juice in his hands. Jongin grinned from ear to ear, he nearly stumbled as he made his way over to Sehun; he hadn’t seen him since Christmas and it was so exciting to finally greet him again. “Sehunnie! Hi!” He beamed as he threw his arms around the other’s broad shoulders, Sehun holding Jongin into a hug by his waist. Sehun squeezed Jongin tightly, chuckling into the skin of his friends neck. “Jonginnie I’m so glad you’re home.” Jongin parted away from Sehun, smiling at how different he manages to look every time Jongin sees him.

Sehun was just slightly taller than Jongin, maybe by an half an inch or an inch. His skin was pale, milky almost that always looked smooth and unblemished. Shoulders broad with a thin narrow waist, filled thighs and long legs that made him look taller than he actually was. His eyebrows had a weak arch but they were thick, eyes narrowed and cold in appearance but his lips were thin and a light pink color. A few freckles were speckled on his high set cheekbones but Sehun claimed they were only sunspots.

“You look so different, Nini.” Sehun commented, the two walking over to the dining room table. Jongin only shrugged, he knew he looked a little different since he did hit up a gym. Unlike Sehun or most of his friends, he had a sun-kissed golden color to his skin that was almost like a caramel color. Black thick hair that slightly waved into a left part with a few strands just resting on the right side of his forehead. Jongin’s eyes were wide and brown, warm in appearance, lips dark pink and full that were naturally jut into a pout. Sharp jawline, toned biceps, broad chest, thicker thighs and long legs, Jongin knew he looked better than before.

“I was at the gym.” He commented simply, expecting it to just drop and move on but his mother laughed, bringing over the large plate of bacon pieces, plates already dispersed at the table. “You? At a gym? That must have been a sight.” Sehun laughed with a snort, hands flying over his face while Jongin pouted at his mother, whining out in retaliation. “Mom, stop. Dad, do something!” His dad looked at Jongin through his eyelashes from the mug of coffee in his hands, shrugged and set it down. “She has a point, Jongin.”

The four ate their breakfast, cracking jokes here and there at Jongin’s misery before the two best friends updated one another on what they’ve been doing. Sehun is promptly taking over his mother’s incredibly successful restaurant and Jongin told him about his new public relations job and that he planned to stay in his hometown for as long as time allotted. Jongin wouldn’t say it out loud to Sehun just yet, but he was proud of his best friend for being mature, for growing up so well. He only exchanged a smile that Sehun returned, both knew they felt mutual in the matter at hand of being proud of one another.

It wasn’t until his mother and father left the table, stating they had errands to run and exited the house a few moments later that Sehun started to talk more, he had always waited for Jongin’s parents to leave before he went onto more petty details of their lives. “Guess who’s super excited to see you?” Sehun finished with a giggle and a knowing smirk, tilting his head to the side holding his head with his hand. “Baekhyun?” Jongin said with a laugh, Baekhyun always clung onto Jongin once he got back, like a koala is what Jongin best described Baekhyun as. Jongin though could just be gone for two days and Baekhyun would cling onto Jongin like it were life and death, he’s always been a very affectionate friend.

“Well, him too, but Chanyeol.” Jongin froze a bit, looking over at Sehun with a hum. “I haven’t seen him in two years, Sehun. Why would he be excited to see me?” Sehun rolled his eyes as if the question was the simplest question in the world. “Idiot. You haven’t seen him in two years, all the times you’ve come he’s been gone. That’s why he hasn’t seen you, not like he’s gone out of his way to avoid you. He asks me so many questions about how you’re doing since he knows we’ve Skyped and such, plus Baekhyun rambles constantly about how you look good every time I bring you up. Why, is this hard to believe? 17 year old you would be squealing and losing his mind.” Jongin punched Sehun in the bicep, earning a whimper from the other.

“We don’t bring up my feelings for him when I was 17, it was a lost cause from the start. I can’t believe you let me do that to myself. You know, I cried for like two weeks when I got to university because I said bye to him.” Sehun slyly smiled, tilting his head to the side. “It wasn’t a lost cause, you’re both just stupid. I won’t be surprised if all those teenage boy feelings hit you square in the nose when you start hanging out with him again. No, I’ll take a step further, see him again.” Jongin rolled his eyes at Sehun’s snide tone of voice and stood up, finally doing his morning stretch as he spoke through a yawn. “You brought this up for a reason, so what is it?” Sehun leaned back in the chair. “They’re all throwing a party for you, everyone will be there. It’s in an hour, get dressed. You don’t have a yes or no say in this, not like you would say no anyway and let all of them down.” Jongin nodded, Sehun was always right and promptly carried himself up the stairs.

The party was at Junmyeon’s beach house, Sehun somehow swayed his boyfriend into allowing the welcome back party be held there. Jongin for one was shocked, Junmyeon was such a neat and clean person, and parties were a hub for mess that he would have to be constantly on everyone’s case to make sure it didn’t get too horribly messy and catastrophic. He’s said it himself, Jongin wondered how well he’d be actually holding up in the party itself.

Jongin and Sehun got out of Sehun’s car, a new Volkswagen he got for his birthday in celebration of him taking over the business. It suited Sehun well enough, so Jongin thought. Sehun was adorned in a oatmeal colored Polo shirt and dark brown khaki shorts with light brown Sperry’s, whereas Jongin decided on a rather thin white button down short sleeve shirt, beige khaki shorts and flip flops. His hair was styled tousled, parted across his forehead but had a windswept look to it, Sehun commented plenty times how good he looks.

The door had a handwritten banner saying ‘Welcome back, Jongin!’, Jongin recognized the neat penmanship to be Baekhyun’s and he was sure it was Chanyeol who pinned it up. There were people in the front patchy lawn mixed with sand, drinks in hand, the music was booming in the house. Sehun always knew how to throw a party, Jongin wasn’t shocked with how bustling the house was, and he wasn’t shocked they were fashionably late to his own party. Sehun was always late to his own that he threw in his own house, had Baekhyun host until he showed his face.

They made their way past the front door, Jongin swamped with greetings from people he didn’t know but Sehun held his hand to usher them through. He noticed the open bar table with a spiked punch bowl, beers in 24 pack cases, bottles of hard alcohol on the table mat, etc. Jongin nearly snorted at the fruit bowl and cheese and crackers platter, he knew that was a Junmyeon special since Sehun only left out bags of chips. True to his thoughts, there were bags of chips open and a mess on the table next to it, Jongin rolled his eyes with a snort escaping his lips. Sehun walked through relatively fast, both exchanging dry greetings to strangers or acquaintances Jongin was sure he hadn’t seen since high school. “I’m not letting you have conversations with them before you say hi to our friends,” Sehun murmured in his ear as he ushered Jongin out first, making Jongin giggle with a wash of relief he needed.

They walked out the sliding doors, Jongin took in the sight of all his friends with a warm smile on his face. Baekhyun was bouncing next to Junmyeon who was flipping burgers on the grill, Yixing was sat out on the chairs next to Chanyeol, who was having a conversation. Jongin barely had any time to process how Chanyeol looked from the last time he saw him when Sehun screeched, making him jump with an ache in his ear. “Our main guest is here!”

Baekhyun immediately withdrew himself from Junmyeon’s side with a grin, hair bouncing as he ran over to Jongin. He jumped up and threw his arms around Jongin’s neck in a back breaking tight hug, legs climbing now to wrap around Jongin’s waist which he scrambled to hold to keep the shorter male up on his body. After assuring Baekhyun had a good grasp on his waist with his legs, he completed the hug by bringing his arms around him tightly. Jongin smiled widely as he felt Baekhyun squeeze him and nuzzle his face in his neck before he felt the hands wander to squeeze Jongin’s biceps, making him laugh. “Are you more excited to see me or more excited to grope me?” Baekhyun lifted his head up from Jongin’s neck, droopy sleepy crescent eyes radiating with bright happiness. Baekhyun always looked different when Jongin saw him, mainly because of the hair color.

He has always been shorter than Jongin, porcelain skin with droopy sleepy crescent shaped eyes and thin pink lips, bunched into a smile on his cheeks that were soft and rounded, slightly pink from an acute sunburn. Black hair loose and thick with feather like consistency, always making it look messier than it really is but Baekhyun pulled it off.  “I’m always excited to see you, but it’s nice to know I have something to grope while I’m here.” Baekhyun commented, giggling at the end of his playful flirt earning a groan from Sehun who was rolling his eyes. “Can you get off of him now? Other people would love to say hello, you’re not the only one who missed him.” Sehun threw Jongin a sly smirk, making him tense for a second but if Baekhyun noticed, he didn’t show as he giggled once more and allowed Jongin to ease him to the ground. He didn’t stray far though, standing directly next to Jongin with a content grin on his lips ,it made Jongin smile to himself at the clinginess of his friend.

Junmyeon stumbled over to him, he smelled like charcoal and smoke from the grill but Jongin didn’t mind when Junmyeon flashed him a smile of warmth and welcome. He engulfed Jongin in a hug, squeezing him just gently while Jongin returned the same squeeze, feeling the shorter rest his chin on Jongin’s shoulder. “Have you been taking care of yourself?” Junmyeon reminded Jongin of a mother, every time he came across Junmyeon, he got asked 50 different questions about his diet, hydration, and sleep. “Yes mother I’ve been doing fine. I even go to the gym, noted by Sehun and Baekhyun both.” Baekhyun hummed, looking over at Jongin. “When you’re done hugging, I’ll have to make you flex so I can feel, it’s for science.” They all laughed but Jongin nodded in an unspoken promise. Junmyeon pulled away, resting his hand on his shoulder to squeeze it faintly and stepped back to his station at the grill, flipping burgers.

Yixing grinned at Jongin, a dopey one that only made Jongin giggle and grin back, arms spread for the other to run into. Yixing was almost as affectionate as Baekhyun, but he knew the concept of space and when it was needed whereas Baekhyun didn’t know what a personal bubble meant or implied. Yixing’s arms looped around Jongin’s neck as the tanner male settled on bringing his arms around his waist, Jongin smiled to himself. “Hi Jongin-ah, I’ve missed you so much.” Yixing murmured in his light toned voice, Jongin squeezed Yixing tight in his arms with a soft hum. “I’ve missed you too, Xing. I’ll be sticking around from now on, promise.” Yixing hummed deeply, pulling away to grin at Jongin and lightly pat his cheek with his hand, pinching it faintly and chuckling at Jongin’s playful scowl. Yixing pulled away and went back to his chair, leaving the hug he wasn’t sure if he was dreading or looking forward to, Chanyeol.

He looked different, he didn’t expect Chanyeol to change so much but Jongin swallowed thickly at the sight of the other man alone. His hair remained shaggy curly and black, resting against his forehead just above his eyebrows with a little too much volume in it. Now he was a few too many inches taller than Jongin, his eyes were still wide, lips still averagely full and red, but his jawline was sharper. Chest broader and arms bigger with toned biceps from the muscle tee. The only thing that hadn’t really changed about him were his thin pretty bowed legs, Jongin always loved those about Chanyeol, always thought they were easily the prettiest asset on Park Chanyeol.

His heart flipped in his chest as he stepped over to Chanyeol with a small smile on his face, who thankfully met him halfway. “It has been too long since I’ve seen you.” Chanyeol’s deep voice was hard to keep at a mumble, but it seemed quiet enough that no one was paying attention to them. Thankfully, because Jongin felt a light heat rush to his cheeks and Sehun would hold it over his head if he were right about feeling 17 again. “I agree, I missed you.” Jongin said quietly, to which the taller only smiled back “I missed you too.” He was pulled into the stronger arms, Jongin’s head nestling nicely in the crook of Chanyeol’s neck as they tightly squeezed one another. Chanyeol still smelled like faint cologne and clean linen, the familiarity was all too comfortable for him, his teenage feelings were crawling out slowly and with that Jongin pulled away a little bit. “You look good, like, really.” Chanyeol said shyly, Jongin rested his hand on the back of his neck. “You do, too.”

The moment was too nice, too nice and Jongin didn’t wanna slip away from it. Although, as he stared into Chanyeol’s wide round eyes and the taller maintained the eye contact, the moment was ruined by Baekhyun clearing his throat. “If you’re both done, Jongin, flex.” Chanyeol laughed but stood in the same spot as Jongin bent his arm up with his cheeks tinged red in embarrassment, he went into flex until Baekhyun rolled up the shirt to expose his bicep. “Really?” Jongin asked the shorter who just shrugged flashing a cheeky grin. “My scientific research has to be thorough, thank you.” Chanyeol rolled his eyes, sitting back down in the chair but kept his eyes on the sight as Sehun walked over. “I think he’ll need a second opinion.”

Chanyeol kept watching them feel up Jongin, the two giggling as they rolled up Jongin’s shirt. “You guys act like you’ve never seen biceps before, I have them.” Sehun looked over at Chanyeol, playful sassy tone in place. “We haven’t seen someone pull them off.” Chanyeol let out a mock gasp of hurt, and Jongin didn’t notice how nice Chanyeol’s cheekbones were. He forced his gaze to look over to the two next to him, flexing once they gave him the go ahead nod to, letting Baekhyun and Sehun grope his biceps. Their giggling was all he needed to know that his arms was to their favor. They pulled away and Jongin took the seat next to Chanyeol, Baekhyun on Jongin’s other side. He was asking Jongin a ton of questions, which Jongin answered all of them. He couldn’t help but notice that Chanyeol was looking over at him, not once letting his attention drift. Jongin even threw him some small smiles, but Chanyeol’s gaze never faltered. It was incredibly flustering to have Chanyeol just stare at Jongin like he was the only thing that mattered at the party. Jongin never flustered under attention, but when it came to Chanyeol, it made it hard to breathe.

Eventually Baekhyun got bored with asking Jongin if he picked up any new hobbies, new friends, any interesting stories involving his love life, all to which were bland answers since Jongin never really changed much from the dorky 17 year old he was whenever he left to university. It was well known between all of them, but it seemed to resonate heavily in Chanyeol as he stared at Jongin with a knowing look in his eyes that his friend hadn’t really changed much besides how he looked physically.

Baekhyun hummed, clapping his hands on his thighs and spoke loudly to attract attention, “I’ll be back, I’m in charge of beer supply. C’mon Sehun.” Sehun groaned, whining something about why he had to go to which Baekhyun said he needed more than one opinion before their voices were drowned out by the thudding bass booming in the beach house. Jongin remained in the chair but leaned back now, eyes on the waves crashing against the shore as his ears strained to hear the roar of the waves, a sound he missed dearly and didn’t know how much until now. He heard the beach chair next to him squeak as a weight pressed into it, from his peripheral he could see it was Chanyeol. His eyes were staring where Jongin was, at the never ending occurrence of waves hitting the white sand. Jongin felt goosebumps riding along his skin at the very closeness Chanyeol was, he willed the feeling away of an elated heart, really trying to suppress 17 year old Jongin back into the depths of hell where he belonged.

“I still live down the street you know, I’m really sad that this is the first time I’ve seen you in two years. You were gone for four.” Chanyeol said quietly, he could feel the hot breath of the other hitting his cheek, Jongin knew he was close and facing him. Jongin bit his bottom lip with a sheepish smile, scratching the back of his neck out of a nervous habit. “I did summer schooling sessions in order to graduate faster. Clearly, it didn’t pan out that way. Doesn’t your family vacation in the winter?” Jongin asked, letting his brain focus on that this was just another normal conversation, not thinking about how the light sheen of sweat against Chanyeol’s throat made his chest short of breath. “We do, it just was weird not being able to see you.” Jongin nodded, tongue darting out over his lips, shifting in the chair to let his body be facing Chanyeol. “Yeah, me too. Tell me what’s going on with you?” Chanyeol grinned, the grin Jongin always really liked since his right eye slightly twitched. Their friends thought it was funny, teased him for it but Jongin always found it endearing, he still found it endearing as a smile of his own curled onto his lips. “I got that car shop, I still live with my family though since my mom wants me to save money to buy a house and well, since she’s my mom I don’t want to worry her.”

Chanyeol’s main dream in life for as long as Jongin could remember was to own a car shop of his own. He didn’t want to be a lazy manager either who sits in the back office with a small fan blowing on his face, reading the paper, he wanted to greasy and grimy. Work on the cars and make sure each one was perfect, roaring perfectly, Chanyeol had always had a love for cars. Jongin remembered staying up late one night just to learn the differences between the horse power on engines, trying to impress Chanyeol with the knowledge alone.

Jongin smiled, he’s always liked Chanyeol’s mom and the concern she’s had for her son to successfully be on his own without failure. “She’s always been sweet, I’ll have to come by your shop sometime.” Chanyeol smiled at that, it was warm and genuine, soft on his face. “You’re going to have to spend a bunch of time with me, I know you’re staying here for a while, living here and making your life here, but I, uh, I really did miss you.” Jongin nodded hesitantly, placing his hand over his grin, eyes shying away in order to look at the ground since he felt flustered, looking away helped that feeling. “Yeah, I missed you too. I would like to spend more time with you. Make up for lost time.” He felt the warmth of Chanyeol’s hand gently tug away his hand, making Jongin lift his head to meet Chanyeol’s soft gaze. “You still do that.” Jongin’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, only meeting Chanyeol’s gaze for a few seconds since the attention the man was giving him was flustering. “Do what?” Chanyeol didn’t take the loss of contact to heart, still maintaining the gaze and Jongin kept it for a few seconds before faltering to his chin. “You always hid your smile, always. I’m going to make that stop.” Jongin felt a faint heat rush to his face, a flurry of butterflies and warmth spreading through his body, hands now settling over his cheeks to hide the color and held his head up. “Whatever you say, Park Chanyeol.”

The party carried out to the balcony after an hour or so, making it too stuffy for Jongin to remain sitting still there anymore. People were drunk, too loud, messy, that and being around Chanyeol was suffocating. Sehun and Baekhyun were nowhere to be found after their beer run but he knew they came back since the cases of beer were stocked on the table, Junmyeon was in full mother mode as he set coasters on the surfaces without table covers, and Yixing met Yifan up somewhere and disappeared with him. Jongin excused himself when Chanyeol mentioned going to the bathroom, escaping down the long balcony stairs. He kicked off his flip flops, breathing in the salty air with the wind hitting his face, walking along the shoreline with his feet sinking into the sand. The music was drowned out now, watching the sea foam wash along the sand, he felt more comfortable in front of the beach. It was a second home for Jongin, the comfort of the beach and the water, he felt so much better when he was just near the water.

“Jongin, wait up!” Jongin turned to see Chanyeol stumbling across the sand as he tried to run, mentally he cursed to himself. Not because he wanted to be alone and he was gaining company, but because Chanyeol genuinely wanted to be with him and his heart tripled in speed, but ignorance is bliss as he chose to ignore it. Jongin stopped in the sand, watching as Chanyeol caught up to him out of breath, grinning at him. “Got a little loud for you?” Chanyeol was always amazing at reading Jongin, a single facial expression could tell Chanyeol a million and one things about the tanner male from mood to thoughts. It’s what made 14 year old Jongin get a crush on him, back then he didn’t talk as much and Chanyeol made his life easier by just knowing him well enough.

“Yeah, it was a little too loud to be honest.” Jongin commented, both walking next to one another, Chanyeol bumping him with his arm to make Jongin giggle, bumping the taller back with small butterflies fluttering in his stomach. “I figured, you weren’t ever one for so much noise. I know I said it earlier but you look amazing, I really can’t get over it.” Chanyeol spoke smoothly, Jongin envied the smooth tone as his face was flustered, taking a few moments to control himself before he sputtered out a word as his eyes were on the ground; watching the sand kick into the air. He hated the familiarity of the blush rising to his cheeks because of Park Chanyeol, he hated how Sehun jinxed him, he hated how Sehun was possibly right.

“You do too. You really do.” He commented quieter, shyer than the man next to him. He got nudged playfully, barely tilting his head to look at the taller. “Thank you, Jonginnie. Tomorrow, I want to spend time with you, so swing by the shop? It’s PCY Auto.” Jongin now finally felt his face cool and he lifted his head up completely. “Time? What are we going to do?” Chanyeol only smiled, tilting his head to the side. “Two, just trust me. I’ve never let you down before, have I?”

Later that night after the party died down, Jongin sat with Sehun at his house on the couch. He smelled like booze and the beach, normally he would’ve showered but he had to talk to Sehun urgently. He mainly wanted to beat Sehun up with a pillow, scream at him for jinxing him or something of the sort but he had to wait and maintain a calm appearance. Despite the two knowing one another since their toddler years, he wanted to look mature and well put together in front of Sehun’s mother. His mother was pacing around the house, gathering everything she needed before her date night with her long term boyfriend, but Jongin was infinitely patient, he could wait for as long as he needed to in order to beat up Sehun.

“Alright boys, I’ll be back later tonight, have fun. Always nice to see you Jonginnie.” Sehun’s mother smiled sweetly, both waving her out as Jongin called out a ‘nice to see you as well.’ The very second the front door shut, Jongin grabbed a pillow and swung it directly to Sehun’s face, almost letting a laugh pass his lips at the ‘oof’ filling the room. The pillow slapped Sehun’s arms, back, legs, stomach, ignoring the pleas for him to stop until finally he managed to set the pillow down through heavy breaths. “You fucking jinxed me, you fuck face. This is your fault entirely.” He knew the last sentence was out of line since Sehun had absolutely no control in the way Jongin felt but he didn’t want to pit himself in blame at the moment, he wanted to blame Sehun.

“Stop, stop! What are you talking about?” Sehun finally managed, laughter threatening to fall off the tip of his tongue. Jongin noticed the twitching smile Sehun had on his lips and the way his body was shaking like he could burst into laughter at any given second. Jongin wanted to slap the pillow on his face again but decided against it, finally resting it on the couch. “I felt those stupid butterflies around him. I got all shy and flustered and, and he wants to hang out with me tomorrow because he misses me. I felt happy and special. You shouldn’t have mentioned my feelings that I spawned from 14 to 17. I blame you.” He pouted, sat down flat on the couch with his head hanging down, frown furrowed on his lips. He was unbelievably upset at his heart for betraying him, it was a grueling process for him to spend four years trying to get over the boy who made his heart flutter for three years. Jongin was in love with him he was sure, but now he felt his heart flip in his chest thinking about the way Chanyeol gave him his full attention; soft gaze with a warm smile. He felt incredibly warm, butterflies exploding in his body and veins.

“He really did miss you, Jongin. Maybe you two won’t be so stupid this time.” Jongin rolled his eyes at Sehun’s words, looking over at him, pout dissipating from his lips. “You keep saying we were both stupid, really I was the only one who was stupid. I harbored feelings for him for three years that he not once ever showed interest in returning. And now they’re coming back because he’s, he’s… Chanyeol and I made four years progress dropping that stupid crush.” Sehun sighed as he scoot over to Jongin, hands clamping down on his shoulder, voice softer with more concern lacing his words. “Jongin, I know you tried changing yourself to be whatever Chanyeol wanted, but he was your friend because of you as a person. I know you’re mad at yourself right now, but maybe there’s a reason it’s happening again and maybe you both won’t be stupid.”

Kim Jongin at 14 was everything but smooth, finessed. He was dorky and awkward, wore oversized tee shirts, jeans that were ripped at the knees and scuffed converse with holes on the back of it. His backpack could only be held up by one strap since Sehun thought it would look edgy if he cut off one strap, if anything it proved to be a nuisance. His hair was shaggy and curly, flat against his forehead with it resting against the back of his neck, he never really groomed it and let it be wild and untamed. Scrawny and lithe, he was always quiet but only had something to say if a joke were funny or if the conversation managed to steer to food or dogs.

He really only talked around Sehun, talking much in the group of his friends proved to make him anxious, proved to make his palms sweat. He had been friends with all of them for a while, they knew he was quiet but he knew they didn’t have an obligation for them to make him feel heard, but Chanyeol made Jongin feel heard. Chanyeol at 15 was gangly and thin, hair that always appeared crimped and thick bangs styled to the right, but he knew Jongin like the back of his hand just by giving him one look, Jongin didn’t realize it until they were discussing something that Jongin really wanted to have an input on.

14 and 15 year old boys back then were obsessed with video games, Jongin was definitely no exception. Jongin felt anxious to speak up, palms sweating and face shifted in discomfort as they were talking about their high scores. Chanyeol knew Jongin’s high score since Jongin came after school to play in his house, loudly playing with a bowl of popcorn in between them that eventually hit the floor as they wrestled one another since Chanyeol always thought Jongin was a cheat. Chanyeol knew he wasn’t, Jongin was just too good, and Chanyeol could tell Jongin wanted to say something about it just based off the look on his face, a desperate silent plea on his lips was the giveaway. “Jonginnie has a higher score than all of you.” Jongin looked up at Chanyeol, their friends turning to look at Chanyeol, Baekhyun being the first to scoff since he’s a self declared video game God. “Oh yeah? What’s his score?” Chanyeol flickered his eyes to Jongin who nodded, a sheepish smile and butterflies in his stomach. “26,000.” It was then that Jongin knew he had feelings for Chanyeol.

Chanyeol was Jongin’s first actual crush, he had small moments of attraction to other guys but he thought it was a passing thing, adoration, idolizing them. Once Jongin realized that the constant butterflies in his stomach along with the warmth in his heart anytime Chanyeol was close to him or even smiled at him wasn’t a passing phase, he panicked. He panicked in the way most gay men do since he had it drilled in his brain that he was supposed to be feeling this way about girls, but he didn’t let his existential crisis get in the way of being near Chanyeol. Mainly because he couldn’t not be near him, he tried it for a week and he felt so miserable being away from him that he ended up just dealing with it and jumping anytime their hands brushed together on accident or if he could feel how warm Chanyeol’s body was.

He let his crush flourish over three years, he let it eat him alive. Jongin tried being himself for a while, hoping that maybe Chanyeol would catch on and just start liking him, but it didn’t seem like it was working. Somewhere, his crush turned into a first love, and he didn’t know how to handle heartbreak. His heart felt like it was searing or on fire, burning from the inside and out every time Chanyeol didn’t show an interest in him the way Jongin did. Jongin took it upon himself then to watch the boys Chanyeol liked, Jongin took an interest in to maybe start being like them.

He noticed Chanyeol got along better with boys who were louder and more talkative, he got out of his shell then and started talking more which Chanyeol responded nicely to. He started noticing that Chanyeol was friendly to shorter boys with pretty faces, like Jimin, Jongin really wished he wouldn’t ever hit a growth spurt but cried for a week when he did. Even though Chanyeol was still taller than him, he wasn’t short enough, it was a severe blow to his self esteem. Chanyeol also liked boys who took risks, Jongin played things safe and thought his actions through before acting on them, but when it came to Chanyeol he could play pretend.

When Chanyeol came out to Jongin that he liked boys, and Jongin told him he felt the same, it was a bigger blow to his self esteem. Now that he knew Chanyeol played for his team and yet he didn’t hint at showing attraction to Jongin whatsoever, he really tried changing himself from the inside out. He tried getting in better shape, grooming himself to be prettier, working on how he speaks to stop sputtering on his words and speak smoothly, changed his sense of fashion to button downs and jeans that were more fashionable. Jongin worked on how to be funny, read all about cars, hung out with Chanyeol so often that they had their own inside jokes and places for them to go.

At 17, when he finally graduated and sat with his friends on his last night before university, he remembered saying goodbye to them individually. Sehun was sleeping over that night since they were best friends but Chanyeol was the last to say goodbye out of the group. They sat on his roof alone, staring at the night sky, Jongin’s heart was trembling with sadness and heartbreak. He was sad over the fact that he was saying goodbye, but he was also sad over how Jongin changed every single aspect of himself for Chanyeol and Chanyeol didn’t feel anything for him. It was painful to know he wasn’t good enough for his first love, everything about the situation was painful, it made Jongin feel miserable.

“You’ll come to see me, right?” Chanyeol broke the silence, making Jongin turn to him with teary wet eyes and a sad smile on his lips, nodding. “Yeah, I’ll come to see you.” Jongin whispered, any octave higher and his voice would’ve cracked. Chanyeol nodded slowly, hugging Jongin to his body tightly, Jongin let tears fall down his face. He wanted Chanyeol to love him so badly, he never wanted to let go.

Going to college gave him air to breathe from Chanyeol, despite him being absolutely miserable without him, he thought he was doing great on moving on. Dated a boy but he didn’t last very long, but he thought moving on was not thinking of Chanyeol every three seconds and not depending on him to be happy. Although, he did love hearing from him or seeing him on Instagram, it made him warm, it made him feel amazing and safe. Changing for Chanyeol changed him as a person since he maintained the same habits as he did before, up-keeping every part of him for a man who wasn’t even there anymore, but now that he came back home, he realized he kept the same habits for him. He wanted to be good enough for Chanyeol either way, and he was sure his feelings for him hadn’t gone away at all.

He stood in front of PCY Auto in a black tee and khaki shorts, a new pair of converse. His hair was styled in his usual tousled way but his fingers were nervously carding through it before inhaling deeply and pushed the door open, walking into the shop. The place had retro red couches against the wall with a light grey paint coating the walls, it was very Chanyeol. Cursive neon red signs were hanging against the walls saying ‘yeah baby!’ or ‘she purrs’, Jongin’s personal favorite is ‘listen to her roar’ since Chanyeol started saying things like that when he was 16 and took Jongin to car shows since Jongin pretended to be interested in cars in order to impress him. Vintage cars in black and white photos were neat against the walls, polaroids hanging on a cork board of cars Jongin knew that Chanyeol took. He saw a red Mercedes that he remembered, it was a car Chanyeol fell in love with at his first ever car show.

Jongin felt an incredible amount of warmth and love surge through his heart, love he felt four years ago. It rattled him, willing himself to think about anything but, not wanting those feelings to surge up today or ever again for that matter. He wanted to be over Chanyeol, not think of him once in a romantic aspect since while the warm love feeling did feel nice, he could really feel the way he used to ache and cry himself to sleep every night because Chanyeol didn’t love him back, all he wanted was for the other to love him back.

With a deep breath and a clear mind, he stepped up to the counter and saw the flash of curly black hair in the office. Jongin’s fingers pressed on the bell on the service counter, holding his head beneath his hand with a smile on his face as Chanyeol grinned at him through the window in the office peering out into the shop. Chanyeol clumsily got off the rolling chair with a pen tucked behind his ear, making his way over to him with his grin that left his right eye kind of twitching, butterflies circled his stomach. Jongin noticed how his smile got bigger once he stood directly in front of Jongin, but he chucked it to his imagination in order to keep his hopes down and dead.

“I’ll be right out, I’m just finishing up some reports for inventory, sit down and wait. Make yourself at home.” Jongin nodded, watching Chanyeol retreat to the office. His legs guided him to sit in the relatively comfortable couch, looking around until he noticed the flat screen on the wall. His eyes were trained on the television that was set to Chanyeol’s favorite channel which was HGTV, Jongin remembered when he learned that about Chanyeol. He was 15, fresh out of school and darting into Chanyeol’s house to play a new video game he had gotten over the weekend. Jongin sat on the couch with the controller in his hand, watching Chanyeol turn on the television. It loaded to HGTV House Hunters, Chanyeol let his wrist go limp as he watched the TV in awe for a few moments, and of course Jongin found the spectacle endearing. “We can watch it, if you want.” Their video game got delayed for an hour but Jongin didn’t mind, they made bets on which house the couple would get and it became one of Jongin’s favorite channels, too.

House Hunters was on, almost as if it were forcing him to take a trip down memory lane where he was head over heels in love with his friend. Jongin watched the show anyway,  making his bet on which house the couple was planning on getting like he used to do with Chanyeol, pouting when they chose house number three instead of house number one. He didn’t notice Chanyeol had walked around the counter and was standing next to the couch until his smooth deep voice made him jump, capturing his attention. “You look cute, watching with your pout. Reminds me of when we used to watch that on my couch.”

He blushed now, not bothering to hide it since Chanyeol was more upfront with the compliment. “I’m not cute, but actually I was just thinking about that.” Jongin stood up now, fixing the black t-shirt, letting it hang off one shoulder. “You’re super cute, actually.” Jongin smiled shyly, lightly swatting Chanyeol’s chest as the blush flourished darker in color judging by the heat growing on his face. “Cuter when you blush, I think I’ll make you blush more often.” Chanyeol said with a grin, Jongin could practically hear the smile. “You’re going to kill me, Chanyeol.”

They walked out of the shop, Chanyeol leading him over to the sleek silver BMW with the retractable roof, Jongin was thoroughly impressed. He knew about the car because of Sehun, he told Jongin all about how Chanyeol split his life savings from low paying part time jobs or remnants of school grants on both the car and his shop. Jongin saw the light flashing in Chanyeol’s eye, the tell tale gleam of just wanting to brag about his treasure to someone new, Jongin decided to give him an opening. “I love your car.” Chanyeol grinned, unlocking the doors for both to get in, starting the car and let the roof retract back. “She’s a beaut, no? I adore her, her name is Marilyn. Marilyn Monroe.” Jongin chuckled, of course Chanyeol would name the car after Marilyn, he’s always been one for retro things and iconic celebrities of that time.

Chanyeol pulled out of the parking lot, Jongin leaning back into the seat with his eyes closed and a smile on his lips. The wind blowing through his hair as they moved down the winding streets, hand hanging out on the side as they drove through the beach town. Chanyeol fumbling through the radio stations until deciding on one, both singing along to the pop song blaring through the speakers with laughs falling from their lips when their voices cracked at hitting a note too high for their ranges. Jongin opened his eyes once he felt the car stop, looking up at the red light before over to Chanyeol who swiftly turned his head with a red blush on the apples of his cheeks. Jongin couldn’t stop the butterflies absorbing his chest this time.

He let them stay until the light turned green, the wind making his eyes flutter shut once more as he continued to sing mindlessly to whatever he recognized on the radio. The salt ocean air whirred by them, Jongin could tell they were getting closer to the beach by the roaring sound of the rough waves clashing against the sand, warm wind getting stronger as it hit his face with a little more force. The radio was turned down which caught his attention to open his eyes, car slowing down to pull into a parking lot for a boardwalk that Jongin and Chanyeol always went to in the summer but specifically on a Thursday; the all ride passes were ten dollars back then on Thursday. Once the car turned off and the roof was back into place, they clambered their way out of the car and walked around towards the back, going their way to the boardwalk. Jongin felt warm fingers clumsily fumble to his, thicker and longer fingers than his own lacing with his making his cheeks heat, but he didn’t hesitate on the matter for too long as he let his hand lace back. Jongin’s eyes looked up shyly to meet Chanyeol’s, he looked elated with a shy smile of his own but Chanyeol caught his gaze with a chuckle.

“What, Jonginnie?” Jongin smiled, covering it by looking down at their feet dragging across the ground in sync. “You’ve never held my hand before.” Jongin said quietly, Chanyeol didn’t allow Jongin to look down at the ground for too long since he gently bumped his arm against the tanner one, capturing his attention. He looked serious, a little shy even which is out of character for Chanyeol, Jongin had never known him to be shy. “This is going to sound strange but, I really missed you so much and it was so foreign not having you around. I think it also really set with me that everyone else got to see you but me, and it made me realize more how much I missed you, and how badly I wanted to make up all the time that I missed with you. Holding your hand is a good start.” Chanyeol feigned a smile, Jongin could read Chanyeol like Chanyeol could read him, seeing the pain and sadness in his eyes was enough for him to know he needed to reassure the other.

Jongin squeezed Chanyeol’s hand in his own, thumb brushing slow along his knuckles as they approached the line for the ticket booth, eyes on Chanyeol with a determined tone to his voice to set this right. “You know I didn’t go out of my way to avoid you, right?” Chanyeol nodded, pulling Jongin closer to him to kiss the top of his forehead, something he always did and even still, Jongin felt butterflies. “I know, Nini. It just upset me to know that everyone could talk to you and see you, Skype you, and I was too busy to do anything. I don’t blame you, it’s not your fault. I just need you to know I really missed you, and I feel so much better that you’re here.” Chanyeol assured, his words weighing heavy on Jongin as he nodded, smiling faintly up at Chanyeol. “I missed you too. The feeling is mutual.”

Chanyeol, much to Jongin’s dismay, purchased the tickets for them for the all ride passes. It was like they were teenagers again but only they were able to converse about more than anime and Marvel movies (though they did bring that up). Jongin noticed Chanyeol didn’t change much outside of the man Jongin fell head over heels with. Chanyeol was still an HGTV fanatic, a Marvel dork, obsessed with Rilakkuma plushes, still thought the ocean was the best place in the world, loved his family and friends wholeheartedly, plays guitar and piano still. He still liked to cook, just picked up a few new recipes that turned out to be family favorites if he were to take Chanyeol’s word to heart. He was obviously still into cars, still into video games, had a laugh that was far too loud and let it loose with no shame and no concept of what it meant to whisper or have an indoor voice. Jongin liked him this way, loved him this way, butterflies didn’t leave his body throughout the afternoon.

In between riding every single ride and Chanyeol losing every game on the boardwalk, he picked up subtle differences in the other male. He spoke smoother and listened better, always had something to say which threw Jongin off guard since back then, it was Jongin who formed a thought faster and Chanyeol spoke just to fill the void unless he wanted to make an effort. Perhaps it was Chanyeol wanting to make an effort to speak to Jongin instead of letting him do the work and he fill the void, regardless it was a welcomed change. Chanyeol also was more attentive to Jongin, he didn’t think it was possible but the taller male seemed to be able to catch on to every single hitch or thought that Jongin had, cared more about what he had to say and his opinions on whatever the topic was at hand. Jongin felt flushed with the attention, a smile never left his lips throughout the day.

They talked about things that Jongin would’ve never imagined talking about, like their dating lives. Chanyeol asked first, Jongin was always too scared to do any of that from 14 to 17 because he was afraid he’d come across desperate. Unfortunately, that fear remains the same so it was a breath of fresh air when Chanyeol asked. He was honest and admitted he dated Taemin in his second year of college, Chanyeol confessed to dating a boy as well just three years ago, but both admitted it didn’t last very long. It felt like a weight being pressed off of Jongin’s chest to know these things about Chanyeol, a part of him secretly hoped he had any shot with him but the rest of him was happy that Chanyeol felt close enough with him to share this.

Chanyeol dropped Jongin off at his shop around six, not without a laugh at Chanyeol nearly making a fool of himself before they left the boardwalk. He almost managed to fall over a trashcan getting caught up in trying to feed the seagulls Cheeto puffs, Jongin held it over his head the whole ride back. Chanyeol kissed his forehead and Jongin parted ways going into his car and to his house, smiling from his window when he saw Chanyeol pull in at 6:45 with a clipboard in hand with a glance back to Jongin’s house.

Jongin laid in his bed later that night, staring up at the ceiling fan with a sigh. His feelings and thoughts were battling it out to the death since for one he felt the most comfortable with Chanyeol than he had in years, like he wasn’t afraid to be himself. On the other hand, his feelings were spiraling back to what they were four years ago and Jongin wasn’t understanding how since he was so sure he moved on from Chanyeol. It felt like he did, he felt like he made great headway but yet all his brain could recite to him was how pretty Chanyeol looked and how much he loved him.

It wasn’t the best decision but he only had one person he could talk about this with. Jongin knew he was going to be in a world of teasing but he picked up his phone and dialed Sehun’s number, figuring Sehun couldn’t be too harmful to him. Sehun is his best friend after all, he’s supposed to love and support him, not make his life a living hell. He picked up the phone after three rings, and Sehun spoke with a giggle into the phone “Hi Jonginnie, love Chanyeol yet?” Jongin groaned loudly, he was wrong about Sehun not bring harmful. “Please be nice to me for once, I’m really having a crisis. I felt so comfortable and safe with him and I kept thinking how much I love him. I don’t get it, Sehun. I thought I had moved on and let it go.” Sehun tsked with a sigh into the phone, Jongin could hear Junmyeon grumbling for Sehun to come back to bed. “Has it occurred to you that those feelings felt gone because he wasn’t there? That you never really moved on? He’s your first love, Jongin. Your first love doesn’t subside just because he isn’t there. That’s all it was, he just wasn’t there. Embrace them instead of fighting them.” Jongin sighed, biting on his bottom lip with a nod before remembering Sehun couldn’t see him. “Maybe, I’ll let you go, I’m keeping you away from Junmyeon.” With a brief goodbye, they hung up and Jongin rested his phone on his nightstand to be met with the whirring fan once more.

His brain resonated around Sehun’s words, staring into the darkness of his room until his phone vibrated harshly against the metal table. Stumbling his hand over to it, he gripped the device and grimaced at how bright the screen was, noticing the time first had been thirty minutes since his phone call with Sehun but then the text from Chanyeol. He couldn’t fight the smile growing on his lips as he unlocked it, reading the message across his screen. ‘I had a lot of fun with you today. Next week we’re all going to that bowling place, wanna come? (:’ Another thing that hadn’t changed about Chanyeol is his usage of the smiley face, Chanyeol was walking happiness in itself. Jongin replied quickly with a confirmation of showing up to the bowling place, his heart melting at just the sight of Chanyeol’s name. He clicked his phone off, staring back at the ceiling. “I clearly didn’t get over him at all.”

The week that past went by relatively quickly, Jongin didn’t have much to do but Sehun kept him plenty preoccupied by coming over or dragging him out to the restaurant to lend a hand here and there. Jongin did a lot of the lazy work since Sehun’s mother would scold him for trying to get Jongin to do any heavy lifting. He cleaned the menus in the office while Sehun completed inventory paperwork in the office, a task Sehun made look especially tedious but Jongin pushed him through. Jongin and Sehun had a talk about Chanyeol since the taller male and Jongin texted throughout the week. Jongin mentioned to Sehun that he was right about him not moving on entirely to which Sehun only scoffed with an ‘I know’ as a retort.

Chanyeol made the week go by faster since he brought more joy to Jongin than anything has in the past four years of being away at Uni. It was almost like he was back to where he was from 14-17, where Park Chanyeol was making him happy but this time he didn’t feel the pits of sadness flood his body. Chanyeol and Jongin exchanged light flirtatious commentary that made Sehun slap at Jongin’s arm relentlessly but Junmyeon mentioned how Chanyeol was a little flirty with everyone, perhaps Jongin wasn’t any different. If he ignored that, him and Chanyeol were doing really well and 17 year old him would be screaming with pleasure, not crying himself to sleep or trying to figure out another way to change himself for his first love.

They dug more underneath the surface in between text messages or late night phone calls when one or the other couldn’t sleep. Chanyeol has always been known to be a happy person, always had a smile on his face and didn’t show signs of stress or sadness. To say the least, it shocked Jongin when he learned Chanyeol was stressed about something and learn a fear about Chanyeol he didn’t know he had. Chanyeol confided into him about rejection, how he was scared to be rejected by someone or something, he didn’t give any more information than that so Jongin figured he didn’t want to share more. Jongin recited to him what he had thought for years, even on the ‘off time’ of his love for Chanyeol, that anyone would give anything to have him. Chanyeol seemed more than elated by those words.

Sehun drove Jongin to the bowling alley today from the restaurant, smelling slightly like pasta sauce and garlic bread, they walked in playfully shoving one another as they continued their quiet banter from the car about how Ironman is obviously better than Captain America. How Jongin managed to be best friends with someone who idolizes Captain America is absolutely beyond his knowledge. “He’s better than Steve, Sehun!” He whined, lightly swatting at Sehun’s arm who snorted and shoved Jongin away by the shoulder. “Sorry, Steve is better than playboy bitch Tony.” Jongin gasped dramatically, bumping Sehun with his hip, both laughing at the space in between them now. “Take it back!” Sehun raised his hands in defeat, nodding with a pout. “I take it back, let’s not make a scene.”

Sehun spoke too soon about not making a scene when they approached the other boys, Baekhyun standing on a chair trying to climb Chanyeol who was holding a shoe away from his face, bickering about how the prices were too expensive while Baekhyun just wanted the shoe back. “Spoke too soon, I guess.” It was a playful bicker, both had smiles edged on the corners of their mouths, Baekhyun letting out tired giggles every time Chanyeol would tease him with the mere thought of being able to hold the shoe. Jongin sighed with a chuckle, running his fingers through his hair. “We’re in public, behave.” Baekhyun turned his head quickly, climbing off the chair and darted over to him, wrapping his arms tight around his waist while Jongin hugged him back. “Jongin! I missed you.” Jongin hummed, looking up at Chanyeol who was looking at him almost fondly, a look Jongin had always wanted to see in Chanyeol directed towards him and now he couldn’t fight the heat in his cheeks.

“I missed you too but you just saw me last week.” Chanyeol and Jongin broke the eye contact once Baekhyun pulled away to look at him, reaching up to take Jongin’s cheeks in between his fingers to pinch him. “You complete our group, and are you blushing?” Jongin shook his head, swatting Baekhyun’s hand away as he shyly murmured with his head cocked down. “No.” Baekhyun whispered quietly after looking over his shoulder, “Chanyeol already knows you were. No use in hiding it.” Jongin wished the ground would swallow him whole in that moment but Baekhyun moved too swiftly with a grin on his lips, clapping his hands together. “Alright, let’s group huddle, I need to have a discussion with you.”

Jongin lifted his head once he felt the heat subside from both the embarrassment and the nostalgia of when they used to group huddle all the time in their teens. Jongin stood next to Chanyeol and Baekhyun, Junmyeon, Yixing, and Sehun across from him in the circle. All their eyes were on Baekhyun, who seemed to preen in the attention for a little while longer until Sehun groaned. “Get on with it, my back hurts.” Baekhyun giggled before getting his game face on, clearing his throat. “I don’t want to sit in this bowling alley and play a game just for Chanyeol to win. I’m more than sure it was him who suggested this idea.” Chanyeol smiled sheepishly, Jongin giggled and offered him a fond smile, Chanyeol flashed one back. “I want to score some weed and get high in my apartment, eat some snacks, just enjoy each other’s company. That and none of us have seen Jongin high before.”

Jongin felt all eyes on him, but he already had gotten high many times thanks to a friend from University named Jongdae. “I’ve gotten high before, it’s no problem really.” Everyone flashed him surprised looks, making him blush darkly until Sehun giggled across from him. “Yeah, his friend Jongdae and Kyungsoo talked him into it, although Kyungsoo would talk Jongin to do anything involving him since Kyungsoo wanted to bone him.” Jongin sighed out dramatically, the group huddle flicking their heads back and forth between the two like a ping pong game. “For the last time, he is straight. You’re a moron why do you insist on this?” Eyes were back on Sehun who had a lilt of a smirk on his lips, “who’s really straight around you?” The group had a giggle at that, Jongin shook his head, tone resolute. “He’s straight, he’s made out with his girlfriend in the backseat of the car, hence he was around me,” he turned to Baekhyun, “I’d love to get high.” Jongin turned to look over at Chanyeol who had a slight bitter facial expression that also look slightly relieved. Baekhyun went on about calling Yifan, but Jongin murmured lowly to Chanyeol next to him. “You okay?” Chanyeol snapped out of his thoughts, flashing Jongin a wry smile. “I’m okay.”

The group huddle broke up, Jongin took his hand in his own with his thumbs kneading into the palms of his larger hands. “Promise me?” Chanyeol nodded, kissing his temple, making Jongin’s entire body flush with heat. “Promise, I’ll give you a ride.” Their hands didn’t fall apart as they walked out of the bowling alley, thumbs brushing slow along his knuckles. “Okay, Yeollie.” Chanyeol’s smile was more genuine, meeting the outside air as they walked to the car. “I’m shocked that you’ve done weed, you weren’t into all that back then.” Jongin laughed quietly, hands breaking apart to get into the car, watching as Chanyeol turned it on with the roof retracting back. “Things changed, I’m pretty relaxed about it now. Do you guys get high more often?” Chanyeol nodded, rolling his eyes playfully as he spoke “Baekhyun was so excited to get you high, he was planning this the second he heard you getting back.”

They stood outside Baekhyun’s apartment, huddled together as a group, Junmyeon having a discussion with Chanyeol about some vintage 1957 Mercedes Gullwing, Sehun decided for Jongin that they have better things to talk about. Sitting on the warm concrete with their shoulders pressed together, Sehun whispered over to him with a coy smile on his lips. “He looked jealous when I mentioned someone else wanting you, you know.” Jongin rolled his eyes, sheepishly smiling, he was very over giving himself false hope and wanted to accept things for how they were, that Chanyeol may just not ever take an interest in him despite their flirting. “Whatever, speaking of Kyungsoo and Jongdae, I think they’ll be coming later in the summer.” Sehun’s eyes widened at that, grinning. “Oh? To see you or just driving through?” Jongin waved his hand in a gesture to indicate a little bit of both, Sehun still had a wicked smile on his lips. “If Chanyeol was jealous today imagine how he’ll be when I weasel the truth out of Kyungsoo.”

Jongin went to tell him to behave but Baekhyun appeared with Yixing by his side and a sandwich bag halfway filled with weed, swinging in his fingertips as he, too, had a wicked grin of his own. “Let’s get lit, fam.” Everyone groaned in disgust, Junmyeon sighed and clamped Baekhyun’s shoulder. “Please stop hanging around Yifan so much.” Baekhyun unlocked the door to his apartment, pushing it open and they all clambered in, Yixing being the last one in closed the door. “We’ll sit on the floor in the living room, circle style, I want everyone to see everyone but, I call dibs next to Jongin.” Jongin giggled, walking over to the living room and took a seat on the plush carpet, Baekhyun taking his spot next to him. Chanyeol and Sehun had a battle through eye contact until finally Sehun darted, earning Chanyeol to shove him and derail him entirely in order for him to sit next to Jongin’s other side, leaving the tan male on the floor already wide eyed at the spectacle of it all.

Usually, Sehun sat next to Jongin when they all hung out together, but it seems as if Chanyeol wanted to compete for that attention. Jongin smiled shyly over at Chanyeol who was grinning at winning the race, flashing him his best grin that left his right eye slightly twitching; Jongin was left fond. Once he turned back to the rest of the room, Sehun had a smug look on his face that left Jongin to mouth ‘shut up’ in his direction, Sehun giggled and rested his head on Junmyeon’s shoulder.

Baekhyun leaned to his coffee table just behind them and yanked open a drawer, pulling out the wrappers for blunts and laid one out on his thigh. Carefully, he opened the sandwich bag and grabbed some of the green plant on the inside, Jongin and the others grimaced at the smell but Baekhyun looked unfazed as he rolled the blunt, licking the paper to get it to stick. He tweezed both of the ends with a twist to nothing fell out and held it out in front of him, pulling out a lighter in the same bag with the cigarette papers. “Alright, Jongin hits it first, then me, and we’ll go from there. He’s our high guest of honor.” Baekhyun stated with dramatic flare, bowing his head down to present the blunt to him making Jongin roll his eyes playfully and take it with a bow of his own. “Lighter, please.” Baekhyun went to hand it to him before a smirk of his own rose on his lips, “I’ll let Chanyeol light it for you.”

Both parties were surprised in the news but neither openly protested, instead they were left with pink cheeks and Jongin shyly nodded, Chanyeol simply took the lighter. He flicked open the silver lid, letting it fall on his knuckle, Jongin held the blunt in between his plush lips that Chanyeol seemed to make more eye contact with than Jongin’s actual eyes. Jongin watched Chanyeol’s hands, he always had an affinity for them, watched them strike the flame and lean closer to light the cigarette pressed between his lips. Jongin inhaled deeply, letting it burn in his chest before exhaling out through his nose, smooth without a cough but his focus was entirely on Chanyeol and how he was staring at him with a darker look than the fond one he remembered receiving once Chanyeol was next to him.

He snapped out of the moment he was in when the others were left impressed, a hot blush taking over his cheeks as he turned now to hand the weed off to Baekhyun, sniffling quietly. He kept his head in his lap as the blunt made it’s round in the circle until it reached Chanyeol, he watched as the smoke fell from his lips with a slight cough making Sehun giggle. “You’re horrible at this, Yeol. Maybe you should let Nini give you lessons.” Sehun and Baekhyun giggled at that, earning glares from both of them until Jongin let the blunt rest in between his fingers, this time doing two puffs and exhaled the smoke from his lips, passing it back to Baekhyun.

Jongin closed his eyes, scooting over to Chanyeol to rest his head on his shoulder, usually it takes him three hits to feel anything but right now he just wanted to be close to Chanyeol. He wanted to invade his space and kiss the smoke from his mouth, run his fingers through the shaggy hair and pull on it a few times. He always had thoughts like these but the way Chanyeol looked at him after he smoked the first time made something coil within him, made something really click in his brain right now. His eyes opened when he felt fingers softly prod to his side, looking up to see Chanyeol looking down at him with a fond smile. “Here,” he mumbled, Jongin could feel eyes on them but he didn’t mind as he took the stick between his fingers, taking one last deep inhale and pushed the smoke through his lips downward on his lap. He handed it back to Baekhyun, closing his eyes once more and nearly purred when he felt the thick long fingers run through his hair.

His brain felt empty now, hypersensitive to the touch, feeling every bristle of hair move in whatever direction Chanyeol chose to comb it in. He opened his eyes once more, blearily looking up at Chanyeol who was in his own world but only looked down at the movement of Jongin’s head against his shoulder. “Can I put my head on your lap?” Chanyeol nodded, a fond grin on his face, Jongin almost giggled at the other’s bloodshot red eyes but he didn’t since he knew he was in the same state. He drooped his head down to Chanyeol’s lap, but he didn’t open his eyes as he watched Chanyeol. His warm fingers glided down along Jongin’s cheek then neck, cupping it. His fingers felt just a little sweaty against Jongin’s skin, a little too warm but Jongin wouldn’t move Chanyeol’s hand away even if his very life depended on it. He turned his head into Chanyeol’s touch, eyes fluttering, watching as Chanyeol got the blunt between his lips now and exhaled out the smoke from his lips, a tiny sputter of a cough made Jongin giggle. Jongin’s giggle made the room burst with giggles, even Chanyeol started laughing as he let Jongin take the cigarette, inhaling in two puffs before back to Baekhyun who was laughing so much now his body was shaking and tears welled at the corners of his eyes.

Jongin liked this part about getting high, it was finally socially acceptable to laugh at everything and he didn’t have to stop himself. Normally, he would laugh at any given time since he finds himself to be comforted by laughing when he’s nervous or just shy, people frown upon it since they don’t understand. Now when he’s high he’s given free reign to be himself and nothing makes him feel better. Although, that best feeling was replaced by Jongin looking up to see Chanyeol staring at him with all the love in the world pouring from his eyes and the small fond smile adorning his lips. Chanyeol’s calloused thumb was brushing softly along Jongin’s jawline, and for once, Jongin had hope that Chanyeol could maybe possibly love him too.

He didn’t know where the time went, Junmyeon and Yixing were both talking about some horror movie, their sentences didn’t make much sense since they weren’t matching what they were saying and Jongin could only laugh at the stupidity of the both. Sehun was curled into Junmyeon’s lap, mouthing kisses against his neck while he whispered things into his boyfriend’s ear that Junmyeon didn’t acknowledge until a lot of delayed moments later. They were a cute couple who had been together for years, they were domestic now, but seeing them high was something new for Jongin. Baekhyun was rambling to Chanyeol about absolute nonsense, which Chanyeol just nodded along to as he looked down at Jongin. He lifted Jongin’s hand and laced their fingers together, resting warm along one another. Chanyeol’s hand felt so nice and warm in his own, the way that the rougher palm brushed and held firm to his softer, how the pads of Chanyeol’s fingers felt cold in comparison to the rest of his hand, lightly brushing over his knuckles and sending electricity coursing through his body.

Their eye contact was intense, but Chanyeol’s brown eyes did look beautiful, Chanyeol looked so beautiful, Jongin only hummed fondly and sat up to swing his leg over Chanyeol’s lap and sit in it to run his fingers through the fluffy shaggy hair. It felt like a cool soft cloud through his fingertips, small ringlets curling slightly into Jongin’s touches. Nothing felt wiry, but he adored the way that Chanyeol’s hair felt like silk. He watched the way Chanyeol’s eyes closed, squeezing Jongin’s hand in his own in a way to let him know that he loved the attention he was getting, Jongin could only hazily smile and softly kiss his cheek. Chanyeol opened his eyes to meet Jongin’s gaze, both letting out soft laughs at one another but they were fond, so sickeningly fond. He let himself give into his wants of Chanyeol being closer as he pressed his chest to the other’s, burying his face in the crook of his neck.

He didn’t miss the way Chanyeol’s breath got caught in his throat, or how Chanyeol’s other arm wrapped around him to keep him caged in his grips. Jongin’s eyelids felt heavy, letting them close he listened to Chanyeol’s breathing over all the nonsensical conversation that filled the room. It was slow and steady, hitched anytime Jongin would move on his lap and he wanted to hear more of that but more than anything he just wanted to be close to him. Jongin’s mind couldn’t think a lot or connect a bunch of thoughts together in the moment, but the one reoccurring train of thought he could form was how much he loved Chanyeol, wanted to be with Chanyeol, saw the start and end of his world in Chanyeol, he didn’t know where Jongin started and ended because it was so entwined with the man holding him. He loves him, more than anything else in the world, Jongin was absolutely sure of it. Jongin was absolutely sure even in the mind state he’s in right now of not being able to connect one thought to the other, he was head over heels, it had to show somewhere to him. There was more than physical feelings and there always has been, Jongin wanted to connect with Chanyeol mentally, emotionally, but he realized he already was. He just needed Chanyeol to love him, too.

“Hey,” Chanyeol whispered hoarsely into his ear, making Jongin tilt his head lazily to the side. “Hi Chanyeollie.” Chanyeol grinned, lifting his arm to brush hair away from Jongin’s eyes, whispering more to himself but Jongin was in such a close space it’d be impossible to not hear him. “You’re so beautiful.” Jongin’s cheeks caught aflame, at least they felt like they were on fire to the words the other male said, but he didn’t look away and bravely decided to compliment him back. “So are you.” Chanyeol’s cheeks were a lively red, Jongin wanted to keep a picture of Chanyeol blushing because of him forever embedded into his head. “Sleep with me, Jongin.” Chanyeol hummed, moving Jongin off his lap in order to lay down, Jongin complied and rested his head on Chanyeol’s chest, eyes fluttering but drifted to sleep with a kiss to his forehead and fingers through his hair.

Jongin woke up to a coldness surrounding him, not the warmth of Chanyeol’s arms he fell asleep to. He heard mumbling in the kitchen but he felt too lazy to move just yet, deciding to close his eyes and strain in on the conversation, he heard Sehun’s light voice and Chanyeol’s deeper one. He couldn’t pick up on any words so finally Jongin opened his eyes, stretching his back out much like a cat would and flexed his legs. Crawling off the floor and ignoring the aching pain in his waist as he padded his way into the kitchen. It went silent the minute he stepped in, Jongin rubbing his eyes as he walked over to Chanyeol and leaned his forehead against the other’s bicep. “Good morning, Nini. Sehun and I were about to go get breakfast at the diner, want to come?” Jongin nodded, lifting his head with a tired smile. “Love to.”

The drive over to the diner just down the street was a quiet one, Sehun took the backseat and Jongin sat passenger, holding Chanyeol’s hand as they drove with his head leaned against the window. When they got into the restaurant, Jongin sat in the booth across from Chanyeol, Sehun next to Jongin. Jongin leaned against the wall with his eyes closed as the other two made conversation about Sehun’s relationship. Nothing big from what Jongin could gather, just plans, discussions if they decided to move in together, marriage, keeping it casual. Junmyeon and Sehun always had a humble relationship, much to Jongin’s surprise since Sehun is bratty and loud, constantly looking for excitement. It’s that though that makes them well, Junmyeon always mellows Sehun out when the other feels like being a ruckus. Jongin opened his eyes at Sehun’s nudge to him under the table, Jongin looked over at Sehun who was now reading his menu but it was Chanyeol who was looking at him with a fond expression on his face.

Not that Jongin was upset about this, but Chanyeol never looked at Jongin like this before last night.  Like Jongin was all that Chanyeol could see, instead it used to be faint smiles that lasted a few seconds before he turned off to focus on someone more interesting, compelling, less dorky. Jongin didn’t have any resentment towards Chanyeol, more towards himself if anything. His changes weren’t enough, his insecurity was never too far away, and even now it feels like he could drown in it. His feelings for Chanyeol always made him insecure in believing that he just wasn’t enough, and now the fond gazes for sure made him want to be perfect. He’d have to make a mission for that, it would involve Sehun’s help and Sehun of course would try to say no. Jongin though, just wanted Chanyeol to want him, he had been wanting Chanyeol to want him for seven years, since clearly, his heart hadn’t moved on at all, those feelings were just hiding now. Jongin flashed Chanyeol a very faint smile, looking down to the menu though with his hand holding his cheek gently.

He spent the breakfast silent, listening to the other two talk with nods every now and then. Chanyeol dropped them off at Baekhyun’s so Jongin could ride with Sehun, parted with a hug to go into work. They climbed into the car, Jongin remained quiet as he tried to figure out how to be better than he already is, but Sehun broke the ice. “Why the fuck are you so quiet?” Sehun prodded, despite the harsh words his voice was concerned. “I need to change or do something.” Jongin said now, leaning against the window to look at his best friend. “Don’t do this again, don’t. I told you last week he was friends with you because of you as a person.” Jongin shrugged, pushing his fingers through his hair. “Friends, major key word there, Oh Sehun.” Sehun pulled into the driveway of Jongin’s house, turning off the engine and turned to look at him. He looked genuine, sad even.

“I get that you really like him, I may even say something as strong as love, but don’t change yourself. If he doesn’t want you, not your fault. I think he does, and I know he wants you for you.” Jongin listened, but his insecurities were fighting back with fire, making his skin crawl and desperate with want. “Sehun.” His voice came out pathetic in tone. “Jongin, why are you so insecure? Literally anybody would do anything to have you, do you not get that? It’s always been that way but you’re so wrapped around Chanyeol you-” Jongin cut him off sharply “because all I want is Chanyeol.” Jongin opened the car door and slammed it behind him, walking into the house and crawling into the bed, silently.

Three weeks passed in a blur, he made up with Sehun the next day and when he wasn’t being dragged out with Sehun to be with their friends, he slept the majority of it along with texting Chanyeol from the safety of his blankets. Jongin preferred texting to seeing Chanyeol in person, it was becoming a more tedious task to pretend he wasn’t in love with him or like he was disliking his own self more and more; doing anything possible to just try to change himself in the slightest. Nothing was working out much in the lines of changing himself. The only thing he did was dye his hair silver since Chanyeol mentioned liking silver hair, he waited about a week to go get it done, Chanyeol was especially fond. Other than that he couldn’t learn more about cars, he couldn’t come more out of his shell because then he’d just be overbearing, he couldn’t take more risks because he felt like he would be too scared to, etc.

The only few things that were different with Chanyeol was that Jongin could tell that this fear of rejection was weighing heavy on him, like it was a burden and it was a burn in his chest. Chanyeol even seemed sad now, very out of character for him since a smile had been on his face since Jongin had met Chanyeol, even on his cloudiest days. Jongin would always tell him that anyone would be stupid to reject Chanyeol, but it didn’t seem to do much since Chanyeol could only thank him; a thank you that seemed solemn even over text. Jongin didn’t give up though, he told Chanyeol all the platonic things that he could muster to try to cheer him up, and it would work for a day or two, Jongin only ever wanted Chanyeol to be happy, he’d do anything to ensure that.

Three weeks Jongin spent in bed or doing whatever Sehun dragged him out to do, preparing for Kyungsoo and Jongdae to come visit all while mourning his heart for getting caught in a storm of loving Chanyeol all over again. He thought so often about how it would be different if Chanyeol loved him back or if he could just love someone who would be ready and willing to love him back. Jongin can’t blame Chanyeol for him changing himself, Jongin knew very well that Chanyeol would never want Jongin to change, but he was beating himself up for the past three weeks at not changing enough. His blankets had seen him sulking enough, far more than usual, his bed had a dent in his shape with how long he’s been laying in it. Jongin sunk himself into a sadness that seemed to mimic one Chanyeol had, both didn’t know why.

Jongin stood outside the diner just outside the window where his friends were sitting at a long table, waiting for Kyungsoo and Jongdae to pull up. They lived further up along the coast in the same town, they had been planning this visit for a month and Jongin was excited to say the least. His newly dyed silver hair was bouncing in the wind as he stood outside in silence, soaking in the moment to drop his sadness for at least the night to make his visit with his college friends a good one. He turned his head when he heard footsteps against the sidewalk, Sehun offering him a soft smile. “I can’t believe you dyed your hair silver.”

Jongin laughed, playfully nudging his elbow against Sehun’s, both laughing until Jongin let his shoulders fall into a shrug. “I’m running out of options to change.” Sehun pursed his lips together, licking over them until finally he heaved out a sigh, moving to rest his hand on Jongin’s shoulder. “These past few weeks... it’s the worst I’ve ever seen either one of you. With you thinking you need to change every aspect about yourself to make him love you and for him being scared of God knows what, this needs to stop. You’re both sad over the same thing, and I wish you’d listen to me when I tell you that you’re both being stupid.” Jongin didn’t say anything for a few moments, those moments felt like they lasted minutes. “You say we’re both being stupid, but both is too many people.” Sehun shook his head with a scoff. “Aish, you’re a moron. You’re both sad over the same thing, I know it because I see it.”

Jongin looked over at Sehun, giving him a hard look, but before he could speak a car pulled up and honked at him. Jongin turned his head to see Kyungsoo’s calm smile and Jongdae’s wild grin, along with a figure in the backseat he couldn’t place. “I’ll see you inside, okay?” Sehun said quietly, pausing before walking in. “I’m just looking out for you.” Jongin nodded, mumbling quietly. “I know... thank you.” Sehun smiled, turning around to walk into the diner as Kyungsoo and Jongdae hopped out of the car along with the third male that Jongin immediately recognized as his ex Taemin, Jongin felt his blood run cold. They didn’t have the worst breakup perhaps, but it wasn’t pleasant to see his ex show up uninvited.

Jongdae had Baekhyun like tendencies as he ran up to Jongin, throwing his arms around his neck in a back breaking tight hug that left Jongin nearly wheezing out a breath. “Jongin, I missed you so much. I love your hair.” Jongdae commented muffled from the crook of his neck, Jongin chuckled out, pulling away to smile down at his shorter friend who looked exactly the same from graduation. “Thanks, dyed it maybe two weeks ago. Missed you too, Dae.” Kyungsoo approached him next, giving him a hug that was more relaxing and not like a wrestling match for his next breath. “Missed you, Nini. Also, um, I totally forgot you and Taemin dated.” Jongin laughed faintly, pulling away, waving it off as if it were a minor matter of the moment. “Yeah, uh, it was a while ago. Missed you as well, Soo.” Taemin stepped up to him, scratching the back of his neck. “Sorry, I should’ve had them tell you. I’m seeing some friends and it’s along the way.” Jongin nodded, dismissing the awkwardness he felt in his body. “No problem.” They all smiled at one another until Jongin waved his hand, ushering them inside. “Let’s go meet the guys, yeah?” Jongin turned to the window, already being greeted with a confused Sehun, Jongin flashed him one back; making sure to ignore Chanyeol since he didn’t want to melt on the spot.

They entered the diner, walking over to the large table to see Sehun already pulling out an extra chair for their uninvited guest. “Hey guys, this is Kyungsoo, Jongdae and Taemin. Guys, this is Sehun, Baekhyun, Yixing, Junmyeon, and Chanyeol.” They all greeted as they took their seats, Jongin taking his seat next to Sehun and an empty chair, to his dismay, Taemin took a seat in the spot directly next to him.

Jongin overheard Baekhyun already asking Kyungsoo and Jongdae how in the world they got him to smoke weed, making a smile crack onto his lips before Taemin leaned over just a little closer to him. “I could’ve gone home a different way but, um. I needed to say sorry.” Jongin looked up at him, he could feel eyes on him, he could tell it was Chanyeol but he didn’t want to look up at him, so he endured whatever Taemin had to say next. “Sorry for what?” He responded politely, clearing his throat. “I was a dick when we broke up and, it was years ago but you’ve avoided me ever since. So I’m sorry.” Jongin’s eyes widened, not expecting that but he flashed him a soft smile, shrugging. “No worries, really.”

Jongin finally caved to his inner desire to see Chanyeol staring at him, sending a shiver down his spine. It was a look he had seen on Chanyeol’s face a few times when they were younger, when Jongin was too close to somebody or someone was just a little bit too touchy on him with the exclusions of Sehun or Baekhyun. Jongin couldn’t determine if Chanyeol were staring at him with an expression he couldn’t place or glaring at Taemin with an anger he rarely ever saw in him, Jongin was left wondering why Chanyeol would look like that. He flashed the other a reassuring smile that seemed to melt the resolve, a crack of a smile on his lips, but it didn’t last for too long. Jongin’s hand slipped beneath the table now, finding Sehun’s to squeeze it, tapping on the palm in the direction of Chanyeol, a signal they had when they needed their attention on something; point on their palm in the direction their attention was needed. Sehun only flashed Jongin a smug smile after taking in Chanyeol’s expression, making him regret pointing out the situation at hand.

Sehun had a smirk across his lips, eyes locked onto Kyungsoo, Jongin’s eyes widened as his body paralyzed with fear; Sehun had a target on his mental social experiment, he was ready to take advantage of it. “So, Kyungsoo. You’re straight?” Jongin groaned out loud now, hands burying his face in his hands, he could pick out all their laughs but Chanyeol’s was missing. “Uh, bi I guess. I wasn’t expecting an interview about my sexuality.” Jongin slipped his hands down his face, flashing Sehun a pleading look, feeling the heat of Chanyeol’s stare but Sehun was relentless, prodding more. “You guess? What makes you guess?” Jongin sighed in defeat, looking across the table to see Chanyeol with his jaw clenched, stern in appearance, same expression he couldn’t read. “I hooked up with a guy at a party, I like it, but i was really drunk so I can’t give a definitive answer. Although, I do think men are attractive.” Sehun hummed, pleased with that answer, the rest of the table giggling since they knew where this was going, all giggling except Chanyeol and Jongin. Sehun’s hand moved to rest on Jongin’s shoulder, squeezing it gently. “I’ll take that. I think you want to bone Jongin, he’s saying you don’t. I want to know if you would or not.” The table was silent, Jongin shoved Sehun’s hand off his shoulder with an embarrassed flush of color on his cheeks. “He’s attractive, maybe yeah if I wasn’t dating someone.” Sehun though, wasn’t satisfied. “You’re single, let’s pretend. I want to be 100% right, so, if you’re single, would you try to jump Jongin’s dick?” Jongin punched Sehun’s arm at the lewd language, mouthing an apology to the shorter friend who was chuckling now with red cheeks. “Yeah I would.” Jongin wasn’t expecting that answer, he hid his face in his hands as Sehun loudly cheered, the others laughing. “I was right! I was right! I told you no guy is straight when you’re around!” Jongin groaned, muffled into his hands. He was ready to never leave the safety of his hands, until he heard Sehun mumble into his ear. “Chanyeol looks displeased, jealous even. Might want to look up.” Jongin reluctantly moved his head out of his hands, letting his fingertips drag down against his skin to see Chanyeol. He wasn’t grinning, he wasn’t laughing, his face was red and a stern look was firm on his face. He flashed Sehun a look, and Sehun smiled down at him smugly.

Jongdae and Kyungsoo pulled him aside for a hug at the end of a rather rowdy night in the diner, hugging him tightly with sad yet content smiles. “Don’t be a stranger, okay?” Jongdae hummed out softly, flashing Jongin a smile making him nod. “Yeah, you too.” Kyungsoo stayed behind as Jongdae clambered in the car, turning his head to Chanyeol was propped against his BMW, staring Jongin down. “Chanyeol, is it?” Jongin nodded, staring at him, watching as he waited for him. They already decided their arrangements of going home before Jongin’s friends even showed face, but it felt more intimidating watching Chanyeol stare at him. “Yeah, that’s him.” Kyungsoo lightly nudged his hand to get Jongin to look over at him. “He was quiet most of the night, didn’t even want to look at me since after Sehun spoke up about, you know.”

Jongin nodded, not really knowing where this conversation was going necessarily. “He’s really not that quiet.” Jongin tried, maybe defending him was the best way to go. “I’m not saying that, I’m saying he was jealous. Jealous of me possibly wanting you, jealous of Taemin being there who was your ex. Remember during the dinner when I went to the bathroom and Sehun followed behind?” Jongin’s lips pursed together, nodding, Kyungsoo went on. “He told me about how you’re wanting to change yourself, for not seeing the obvious in your face. Please don’t change yourself, Jongin. He loves you.” Jongin’s lips parted in disbelief, shaking his head and cleared his throat, leaning into hug Kyungsoo. “It was nice seeing you, Soo.” Kyungsoo’s face fell in disappointment, but hugged him back nonetheless before Jongin parted his way to Chanyeol who flashed an inkling of a smile.

He climbed in the car, sitting in the silence Chanyeol was offering him. It was intimidating, the ride home since neither sang to the songs on the radio; Jongin could feel the tense energy Chanyeol was giving to him. It left Jongin on edge, but he relaxed into the seat, soaking in the fact that he was next to Chanyeol; genuinely relaxing him. They pulled in front of Jongin’s house, car turning off with the soft engine and radio making the silent street twice more deafening. The silver light of the moon was the only light on them as Jongin fiddled with his thumbs, Chanyeol finally cleared his throat. “Can we sit on your roof? So we can talk?”

Jongin nodded, both climbing out the car, slamming the doors; they walked their way to the side of the house to the built in ladder entwined with vines on the siding. Jongin climbed first with Chanyeol following behind, the feeling entirely made Jongin feel far too nostalgic for him to keep up with, swarming him with a strong punch of his teenage feelings of a first love that matched exactly what he felt for Chanyeol right now. They clambered onto the roof, making their way carefully across the shingles to the flat part just above Jongin’s room, sitting with their legs swinging.

Jongin stared up at the stars, admiring the moon in contrast of the black sky in the night, stars twinkling softly up above. “So, that was Taemin. That was Kyungsoo.” The baritone voice flooded his ears, Jongin felt happy to hear it even though he was insecure and scared to say the wrong thing to make Chanyeol not speak again, so instead he nodded. “Do you have feelings for either of them?” Jongin shook his head immediately, turning his head with a serious tone in his voice to match the genuine expression on his face. “No, I don’t.” Chanyeol let out what Jongin thought to be a sigh of relief, finally making eye contact with him that wasn’t an intense glare but of relief. Jongin couldn’t place why it would be relief, deciding not to believe what Kyungsoo had told him, instead he wondered why it could possibly be true.

They stared at one another, lips falling into a fond smile on both ends, Jongin had only seen Chanyeol give that smile to others, he couldn’t help but feel incredibly warm on the inside. “Can you come by the shop tomorrow at 12? I want to take you out somewhere.” Chanyeol said as he got up, Jongin following in suit as he nodded, both making their way carefully off the roof. “Yeah, I can come by.” Chanyeol fell silent for a moment as they climbed down, with a grunt, Chanyeol jumped down, smiling softly at Jongin. “Wear swim trunks.” Chanyeol leaned down now to press a kiss to his cheek, making Jongin’s cheeks heat with a pink color washing to his cheeks. “Okay, goodnight, Chanyeol.” He called out to him, Chanyeol turned on his heels, walking backwards with a wave. “Goodnight, Jongin.”

Jongin laid on his side in bed, texting Chanyeol with a smile that seemed permanent to his face. Chanyeol spent most of it complimenting him, saying how beautiful Jongin looked beneath the moonlight or how cute he thought it was when he laughed at dinner. Jongin rolled to his back, thinking about what it would be like to kiss Chanyeol. Feel the heat of the other’s mouth, the taste of Chanyeol’s mouth or tongue, hands gripping onto the other’s face while the warm hands held him close. The pit of butterflies erupted in his stomach, just at the thought alone. Jongin turned over in his bed, bidding Chanyeol a goodnight and sweet dreams, smiling at when Chanyeol wished him the same.

Jongin arrived to the shop in black swim trunks and black tank, clearing his throat quietly as he got the attention of the man sitting at the counter, reading a tabloid. “Hi, you’re Jongin right?” The man asked, making Jongin flush and shyly bite on his bottom lip. “Yeah, I am.” The man laughed quietly, setting the magazine down and rested his elbows on it. “I’m Seokjin, Chanyeol talks about you non-stop. He’s in the back, wanna come back with me or do you want to wait out here?” Jongin shrugged, always wanting to see more than the lobby of Chanyeol’s shop, his second home. “I’ll go back, if it’s alright.”

Seokjin nodded, sliding off the stool as he gestured Jongin to follow behind, he hummed, keeping his hands stuffed into his pockets to be careful not to touch anything as he was ushered to the back, outside in the humid heat. It was like any other auto shop excepted painted differently, colorful tools, a personalized playlist of his favorites and workers favorites that took about a week to complete even though he still adds to it. He wasn’t spotting Chanyeol even though he heard the clanging of metal.

“Chanyeol, Jongin’s here,” Seokjin called, winking at Jongin making him a little flustered as he went back into the shop as Chanyeol slid out beneath the work scooter from the car. He was covered in sweat with black grease stained on his forehead and wrists, blue wrench held in his hand while his hair was sweat matted down to his forehead. Jongin’s face flushed with heat, he didn’t expect Chanyeol to look this good. Work shirt tight to his body to outline his abs, sweat glistening on his biceps. Jongin’s breath hitched as Chanyeol got off the scooter, walking over to him with a smug grin on his lips. “I’m done, thankfully. Just wait inside, if you want.” Chanyeol smirked at the flustered state of Jongin, he caught that one as he wandered inside with a melted brain. Jongin sat down in the chair still feeling flustered until Chanyeol was back with a cleaned face and wrists, still sweaty though which made Jongin feel heat rushing down the back of his neck.

Driving along cliffside, Chanyeol decided to pull out his old hand me down Jeep gifted to him from his father, hitting all too close to home to Jongin. It reminded him on days when they would drive along the cliffs, descending down to the sand dunes, off roading against them with high pitched wheeze filled laughter. Thoughts like these made him think about how they didn’t need to constantly spend time together, to get to know each other. They already knew one another, texting and seeing each other 3-4 times a week was enough for them both to get by.

Jongin leaned his head over on Chanyeol’s shoulder, peering over to see the ocean just beyond the cliffs. He didn’t know where they were going but it seemed as if Chanyeol had a certain spot in mind, trusting him completely. Chanyeol rested his hand on Jongin’s knee, making him tilt his head up to see Chanyeol grinning at the road ahead, Jongin had never seen anything prettier. He let his eyes flutter shut, humming to a few songs on the radio until the road turned into a bumpy one, gathering his attention to open them. Chanyeol parked in a secluded area facing a cliff drop off surrounded with palm trees, the sound of the ocean crashing against cliffside rocks didn’t sound too far.

Jongin got out of the car at the same time Chanyeol did, both walking over to the front of it with shy smiles. Jongin noticed Chanyeol always took the leap to give him affection in any form, making him think that Chanyeol would want someone to initiate things. He reached his hand out, timidly slipping it into Chanyeol’s, lacing their fingers together. A heat spread to his cheeks when Chanyeol’s smile only widened, Jongin thought this change to himself was for the better, brave and unafraid to show these affections.

He followed Chanyeol to the edge of the cliff drop, watching as the ocean waves crashed at the rocks. He liked how they looked, he liked how Chanyeol managed to choose a perfect spot. Chanyeol lightly squeezed Jongin’s hand, murmuring quietly, “hey,” Jongin turned to look at him with a hum. “Jump.” Jongin’s eyes widened, shaking his head quickly with a flabbergasted expression on his face making Chanyeol laughed. “Are you crazy?” Jongin exclaimed, looking down at the long drop to jump from. Chanyeol shook his head, thumb brushing against his knuckles. “I do this all the time, I’m fine. I’ll meet you down, Jongin.”

Jongin looked one more time at the bottom, staring at the waves, thinking through how Chanyeol had always wanted someone who would take risks. Always wanted someone who was careless, brave, how Jongin could never change that one part of himself and it may have been his downfall. Blinking back the water in his eyes from staring too long, he swallowed dryly and nodded hesitantly. Jongin could be brave, Jongin could take risks, Jongin could be anything Chanyeol wanted to be with persistence in changing himself.

He let go of Chanyeol’s hand to slip his thumbs into the hem of his shirt, until he heard Chanyeol’s voice in a lower octave than before, murmuring down to him. “I got it,” larger hands swatting Jongin’s tan ones away, making a heat flush to his face. He was too close to Chanyeol for his own good. He could smell Chanyeol’s natural musk, the clean linen smell hidden beneath the smell of previous sweat and Jongin couldn’t place why it smelled so good. He shivered once the wind hit his skin, staring down at the ocean until tearing his eyes away to look up at Chanyeol, smiling nervously. “Promise you’ll meet me down?” Jongin asked quietly, so quietly he could barely hear himself but Chanyeol was close enough to be able to hear him perfectly. “I promise,” he sounded so sound and reassured, warm, that Jongin only had to nod. He backed away a bit much to his own dismay, moving backwards with a soft shaky inhale, exhaling quietly. He counted down mentally from three, making a break into a running start, jumping once he reached the edge of the cliff with a loud laugh as he felt himself falling down towards the water. It was a long fall, but he liked how the wind felt around him and how his laugh echoed against the walls of the cliff. He closed his mouth once he could hear the water getting nearer, fingers going to pinch his nose and eyes squeezed shut, huddling in a ball shape to land smoothly. He splashed into the water, sinking down until he released his nose to propel himself forwards, inhaling deeply when he reached the surface with a laugh, rubbing his eyes as he used his legs to keep him up in the water.

Jongin looked up to see Chanyeol peering over, looking rather small. He giggled to himself, swimming out of the way on his back, adrenaline on high with his heart beating out of his chest, just staring up at Chanyeol until he noticed the other duck back. Chanyeol jumped off a few moments later, Jongin floating as he watched Chanyeol come closer but land just a little bit away from the original spot Jongin landed at. Jongin propelled himself to float in the water now, watching as Chanyeol pop up and shake his head forcefully to get rid of the water from his face, flashing a grin. “You really did it.” Jongin giggled at the other’s surprise, but in his own surprise, he didn’t know his love for Chanyeol would lead him to doing something he would never do, but he didn’t have a comment just yet. Still speechless from the adrenaline high he was on.

Chanyeol nudged his head in a direction towards the mouth of a cave, Jongin following behind in suit to swim into the cave. The cave was dark but there was a light ahead leading into what looked like an inside beach cave lagoon. Once they swam into it, the sun was peeking in from a hole in the cavern, reflecting down onto the blue water that was surrounded by smooth rocks. Jongin sat on the one next to Chanyeol, taking a few deep breaths.

“This is beautiful,” Jongin murmured, looking around until looking at Chanyeol, staring at him. “Yeah it is,” Chanyeol looked away though, letting Jongin blush to himself, but Jongin kept his eyes on him. “ I can’t believe you did it. I thought I was going to have to jump with you in my arms. You used to be scared of everything.” Jongin’s smile faltered, nodding as he tore his gaze away. He didn’t know why he didn’t think through the next sentence, why he didn’t stop himself from letting the words simply tumble out of his mouth. “I wanted to do it for you, I’d do anything for you, I just want to be what you want. Good enough.”

Jongin’s eyes shifted to the lagoon water, feeling the heat of Chanyeol’s gaze burning into the side of his head. Jongin avoided his gaze, but Chanyeol spoke anyway. “What do you mean?” Jongin shook his head, faux smile spread across his lips wryly. “Nothing, don’t worry about it.”

Jongin should’ve seen it coming that Chanyeol wasn’t going to accept a lie and move on, especially since Jongin blatantly spoke the truth from the tip of his tongue. He didn’t expect Chanyeol to grab his chin gently, thumb resting over it to turn his head to have him look up at him. “No, what do you mean?” Jongin stared up at Chanyeol with watery eyes, debating with himself to make up something bigger and prolong telling the truth about loving him since he was 14, prolonging the truth of how he tried to do nearly absolutely everything in his power to have Chanyeol want him. He saw the genuine concern in his eyes, it was a concern that Jongin only ever gotten since their youth, Jongin couldn’t lie to him when he looked so concerned for him.

“I’ve loved you since I was 14, you’re my first love, Chanyeol. I’ve wanted to be enough for you since then, I tried changing myself to be exactly what you wanted, and it sounds childish and utterly stupid now that I say it aloud, that I would be so desperate to change myself to have you have feelings for me. I don’t expect you to feel the same things back, it’s okay if you don’t.” He ended quietly, even though Chanyeol was holding him by his chin, he refused to make eye contact, refused to look rejection in the face. He let out a faint gasp when he felt the weight of Chanyeol’s forehead pressed against his, hands holding to slide Jongin’s cheeks, making Jongin look up at him.

“You were what I was scared to be rejected by. I think I started liking you when I was 16, I didn’t know though, I didn’t pay attention. When you left though, it felt like the world was ending, my world was ending. I felt so empty and horrible, I thought that it was just me missing you because everything felt right when I saw you again. Then those two years where I didn’t see you once while everyone else got to see you, I realized I liked you at 16 when you sat on my lap playing video games and you let me win one because I was sad that day. I knew I loved you when I realized you had been my entire world since we were teenagers, Kyungsoo and Taemin scared me to death but I was going to confess today but uh, you beat me to it.” Jongin’s eyes were brimmed with water as he stared up at Chanyeol, relishing in the feeling of Chanyeol’s thumbs brushing against the slopes of his cheekbones.

“Really?” His voice was broken, slightly choked up at the relief of his first love finally returned the feelings he had always been feeling for him. “Yes really. Jongin, never change yourself for me. I want you for you, you’re beautiful and perfect.” Chanyeol breathed out, his breath was hot against Jongin’s lips. Jongin’s nose nudged over Chanyeol’s, the way it felt sent electricity flaming through his body, coursing through his veins. “You’re flawless, ethereal.”

Chanyeol’s grin was wide, toothy even. Jongin remembered all the times he’s seen that smile and it made his heart almost shoot out of his chest. Chanyeol nudged his nose softly over Jongin’s, Jongin returning the gentle affection until their lips met together halfway in a slow, sweet kiss. Jongin could taste the saltiness of Chanyeol’s lips from the salt water, feel the warmth from his mouth, the softness of his lips with the slight chapped feeling. Their lips remained still for a moment until moving together slow and timed, Chanyeol’s hand moving to rest on the nape of his neck before Jongin felt Chanyeol’s tongue glide against his bottom lip. Coaxing his mouth open, he parted his lips for Chanyeol to gain entrance, letting his tongue slowly press to Chanyeol’s; shivering at the shaky pleased sigh hitting his cheek that exhaled from Chanyeol’s nose. His imagination couldn’t hold a candle to what Chanyeol’s lips really felt like, what his mouth tasted like, what Chanyeol’s hands felt like against his body holding him close. Nothing could ever hold a candle to it, and finally he felt happy.

Jongin and Chanyeol met the others for dinner later, hand in hand, fingers interlocked. Jongin’s head was rested on Chanyeol’s shoulder as Chanyeol left gentle kisses to Jongin’s head. They were both exhausted but managing to run off the happiness from realizing they both felt the same things for one another. Jongin and Chanyeol sat next to one another, Chanyeol bringing his arm around Jongin’s waist, the smaller snuggled into his side with a wide smile on his lips. His heart was racing in his chest, butterflies erupting non-stop within his stomach. Jongin hummed, leaning up to press a kiss to the corner of Chanyeol’s mouth as the others cooed quietly over their newfound development, except Sehun. “I told you both, you were both being stupid. I was right, I’m always right.” Jongin rolled his eyes, looking over to his best friend, but he flashed a grateful smile that Sehun took in stride.

Jongin tilt his head back now to look up at Chanyeol who was a little sunburnt across his nose. Regardless, he was absolutely beautiful. His brown eyes were twinkling with happiness, his nose scrunched up when he smiled, lips curled into an enthusiastic smile as he went onto explain the events of their day. Jongin could only stare, his mind reminding him constantly that Chanyeol was his. After a few moments, Chanyeol turned down to look at Jongin, returning the fond dizzying look and pressed his lips to Jongin’s in a chaste kiss. Jongin smiled, returning it and pulled away after a few moments, his fingers moved Chanyeol’s hair out of the way, leaving a kiss to the very tip of the sunburnt nose he was so dearly fond of. “Mine.” Chanyeol hummed out lowly, Jongin nodded. “Yours.”

October rolled around, the two boyfriends going strongly since that lucky day in July. Fall weather swept them in but they still managed to walk the beach when they could, holding hands along the shore. They were walking the beach now, Jongin’s mustard yellow sweater adorning his body as Chanyeol’s tight knit blue sweater hugged his chest. Jongin lifted Chanyeol’s hand to let him spin, giggles falling off his tongue. Jongin stopped twirling once Chanyeol pulled Jongin to his chest. Jongin’s arms wrapped Chanyeol’s neck, smiling fondly at his boyfriend. “I love you.” Chanyeol breathed out quietly. Jongin’s face flushed with more heat than he thought was humanly possible. He smiled, reaching up to press his lips to Chanyeol’s in a deep gentle kiss, fingers tangling into the ends of Chanyeol’s hair. He pulled back just slightly, humming with a smile. “I love you too.”