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Sarah wakes to the sound of muffled sniffling. It’s the middle of the night and she swears she just finally fell asleep, so for a moment she is annoyed. Then she realizes Cosima is next to her in the bed, trying unsuccessfully to cry without being noticed.
“Cos,” Sarah whispers, rolling to her side to face the back of Cosima’s shuddering form. “Cosima, you alright?”
Cosima sniffs again. “Sorry. I’m fine... sorry if I woke you up.”
“No, it’s ok. I can’t sleep.” Sarah isn’t sure why she lies. Maybe she just feels bad for the girl with the broken heart and doesn’t want to make her feel worse. But no, she knows it’s more than that. She places a tentative hand on her shoulder and Cosima lets out a ragged sigh.
“It’s stupid anyway.”
“You’re not stupid.” Sarah squeezes her shoulder and then Cosima’s hand is top of hers, accepting the comfort.
“I am though. I knew it from the beginning. It’s not like I went in blind. I knew she was a plant and she still managed to…” Her voice trails off like she doesn’t even want to finish the thought. Doesn’t want it to be true.
“You’re human, Cos. You can’t fault yourself for having emotions.”
Cosima releases a humorless laugh and Sarah pauses. They are human. They are. But before she can try to argue the point – or question the point – Cosima rolls over to face her, casually linking their fingers together between them.
Sarah is frozen in place. She’s never this close with anyone. Not even after sex. It’s too intimate and too… eerily familiar. So familiar that she doesn’t pull away. She meets Cosima’s eyes in the low light of the room and is somewhat surprised to see that even without her glasses Cosima is still, well, Cosima. Her face is her own. Yeah, it is still a bit like looking into a mirror but it’s different enough so that Sarah is transfixed.
Cosima’s gaze is searching. Her eyes are filled with curiosity, though really that’s something Sarah would probably be used to by now had not the majority of their conversations taken place over video chat, usually while one or both of them was also occupied with other tasks.
Cosima brings their joined hands to her chest, just over her heart. She’s stopped crying but her eyes are shining with something else entirely. Part of Sarah is screaming for her to bolt, to just jump out of the bed and run. Anywhere. But another part of her feels like a magnet, drawn and pulled, and she can’t make herself look away. It doesn’t make sense. They are the same. They’re all but sisters, for fuck’s sake. Only they’re not. They may be made of the same stuff, but they’re not the same person, not by any stretch. Cosima’s expression is the light to Sarah’s darkness - the sort of light that can only come from growing up in a place where she was loved and wanted.
Sarah could be envious. If it were anyone else, she probably would be. This is a person she could have been, after all, were she born into different circumstances. But Cosima is so perfectly Cosima that Sarah is not jealous. She is fascinated.
She watches, as if from outside herself, as Cosima brings her free hand to Sarah’s cheek, fingertips landing lightly on her skin and she can’t help the soft gasp that comes out of her. She swallows hard against the panic rising up in her throat but she also feels a soothing warmth spreading in her chest, keeping her still and sending her deeper and deeper into Cosima’s curious gaze.
With the tip of her index finger, Cosima is slowly tracing a line down the side of her face, around her jaw, eyes still searching - for what, Sarah isn’t sure, but she wants to help her find it. She frees her own hand and brings it hesitantly to Cosima’s cheek, cradling her jaw, feeling wetness from her earlier tears. Sarah doesn’t think she’s ever been this close to anyone. It’s terrifying and exhilarating but also strangely peaceful. So she doesn’t fight it. She just stays there, quiet and still, while they explore each other’s skin and sink further into a bizarre sort of electric calm.
Their gazes have been locked for hours, it seems, when Cosima finally speaks. “I can’t stop looking at you.” Her thumb gently slips off Sarah’s bottom lip.
“I know,” Sarah agrees. She doesn’t even want to wonder why anymore. The feeling of staring deep into eyes that are her own, but not her own, has become intoxicating. She realizes she has never felt so safe. They sigh at the same time, which makes Sarah smile and she almost laughs when Cosima’s expression mirrors her own.
So it’s only natural that she doesn’t flinch when Cosima leans in and kisses her. It’s a quick, fleeting touch and could have passed for a chaste gesture of affection, were it not for the pulse of heat that radiates deep in her belly from the sensation. And judging from the way Cosima’s eyes are half-lidded and darker than they were only a moment before, Sarah knows she’s not alone in that. Cosima’s lips are parted and Sarah licks her own as she moves her hand over Cosima’s jaw, sliding her palm around to the back of her neck, gently pulling her closer. Their foreheads come together and the small space between their faces is filled with shallow, heated breaths.
Sarah doesn’t want to think about what it means to be aroused by this… by her clone. She only wants to know this. The two of them, here, together in this moment, under the thick comforter that covers them both and keeps out all the evils they are up against. For just a moment, she wants to forget Helena and Leekie and all the Neo bullshit and just know what it feels like to be safe and loved and wanted. So she presses forward and brings their mouths together again in a kiss that is definitely not chaste. Their lips are sliding and suckling, tongues tasting. She hears a whimper and thinks it may have come from her and the uncertainty of that makes it that much more enticing.
Their hands are roaming further now, feeling shoulders and hips and curves, pulling each other closer. Legs are tangling under the blankets and Sarah feels a thigh press between her legs as Cosima rolls, shifting her weight so she is half on top of her.
“Is this okay?” Cosima breathes, pulling her mouth away briefly, leaving Sarah’s lips moving wordlessly as if chasing after the contact.
“You have to ask?” Sarah moans, pressing down against Cosima’s thigh.
“Well, not when you do that.”
Cosima grins into her mouth and Sarah feels herself smiling back as she traces the tip of her tongue along Cosima’s lip. It’s almost a foreign sensation. Smiles and laughter have been hard to come by for most of her life; the past few weeks have been even worse. But if they can have this, if they can be here together, even for just one night, Sarah thinks it might be enough to chase away the darkness. At least for tonight.