Work Text:
He climbs onto me, holding my neck firmly. I support his weight by grabbing his thighs, his legs wrap around my waist and it’s the most natural thing there is. I smile into his face, so close it’s almost out of focus. My mind is clear and light, I haven’t got a worry in the world.
He kisses my cheek, very softly, then my forehead, my brows, he kisses me all over my face with light pecks spreading the sweetest love onto my skin. I have never been this happy.
I hum with contentment and he smiles back at me and tightens the grip of his legs around me. I walk us to the sofa and sit with him straddling me, his body so close to mine I almost feel his pulse. Or maybe it’s my own heart pumping blood in my ears as the desire overtakes me.
The kiss that I give him is my love letter to him. It expresses all the things that are lost on words, unnameable, too intricate for any language other than kissing. He talks back to me and I understand every swipe of his tongue, every press of his lips, every breath we exchange. This is the only interaction I crave, the only conversation that matters.
I love you so much it scares me.
Who was I before you?
I was in a coma before I met you.
Our lips are wet and swollen, we find our rhythm, we synchronise our breathing, our bodies serve as aids in the kissing. I don’t even register how we become naked, I just feel the smoothness of his skin beneath my fingertips.
This is living.
This is home.
His hands on my body register only by impulses his touch sends to my lips and tongue that then try to translate it into this new way of speaking, our own native tongue.
I want to be you.
You fill me up and only then I become myself.
I know I am already inside of him only because I thrust uncontrollably and catch his moans in my own throat. My head starts to spin and I swirl my tongue around his.
You feel the same way, I know it.
Knowing it is love itself.
There is no give and take.
There is only this fusion.
Oneness.
His semen is all over my fist that was pumping his cock and mine spills inside him but I realise it only after our mouths part.
He looks into my eyes and says something. I can’t hear it, I want him to say it to me via kiss, it seems it is the only way for us to communicate. He speaks out loud instead but I can’t decipher any words and it scares me.
I feel a pang in my chest, dread washes over me and I wake up with cold sweat coating my back.
The unnerving feeling has its hold over me. Like something happened but you are yet to discover what. Like looking at a car crash in slow motion only to realise too late that you’re the one being crushed. My chest is tight and my breath hitches. I’m panting.
When I finally come to terms that it was just a dream I’m both relieved and disappointed. I get up from the bed and go straight into the shower, knowing it will help.
The water washes over my body and the images from my dream come to me once more. Was it a dream though? Or is it a memory? It must have happened, it did happen, in a way. I touch myself while trying to recall the sight of his naked body lying under me, completely surrendered and given to me, the most precious gift. I think of the time I had his cock in my mouth and remember vividly the odd sensation of knowing exactly how the touch of my lips must have felt for him. His moans made me smile then and make me smile now as I stroke myself faster and rougher to come exactly when I picture him spurting into my mouth.
My climax doesn’t bring me the relief I wanted. I can’t ignore what happened yesterday, I can’t ignore the way he pushed me away, yet again. I feel so weary and lost. I don’t know what to do. Should I pursue him, like I did Elizabeth? Even though she seemed out of reach, I knew she was playing a game, testing me. God, I was so sure then. So certain. How things change.
With Tim it’s different. My feelings for him might be unfaltering, but what we have together is far from steady. There is only doubt and anguish and this never-ending push and pull that I’m so sick of. It feels like it lasts forever but it dawns on me that the dust still hasn't settled. It's all so fresh and raw.
Suddenly, I stop in the middle of the room and I make up my mind about what I should do or rather what I shouldn't do this time.
As I make my coffee I check messages and I see an e-mail from him. I brace myself and read it. Then I read it again. And again. Until I'm sure. I make a decision and it feels right, obvious even, I am at peace at last.
I send a simple text for him to read when he lands.
_______
I land in Paris around midnight. Ten-hour flight is something that I will never get used to. I am tired but also agitated when I turn on my phone to call Pauline and then call Armie. As usual the string of texts comes but I read only the one from him.
Armie: Take all the time you need.
Warmth washes over me and I might be smiling to myself. He understands. Of course he does.
I decide to go to Pauline’s and call him from there.
She greets me as usual.
„Timo, you look like death itself.”
We embrace tightly and I almost fall over from fatigue. She makes me a cup of tea and we sit on the bed, my eyes close involuntarily.
„Well?” I knew she wouldn’t let it go.
„He’s divorcing her.” I say with my eyes closed and wait for her response with apprehension.
„You are kidding!” I love her for being always so full of energy but I could kill her right now.
„Can we talk about this tomorrow, please? I really need to go to sleep, I haven’t really slept on the plane.”
It’s true, I want to sleep, but I also want to call him and hear his voice and tell him how happy I am and grateful for his understanding and patience.
„Okay, okay. But just tell me one thing. Are you happy?” she embraces me lightly.
„It’s not bad.” I smile a little, knowing that I’m quoting Elio.
„Good. Sleep then.” she kisses my forehead and walks out of the room, closing the door behind her.
I pull out my phone and call him. He doesn’t answer, probably is still on set. I send a text instead.
Timmy: I landed safely. I miss you.
I start to undress when the phone buzzes in a fast sequence.
Armie: Good you’re safe.
Armie: I agree with your e-mail.
Armie: We should take a break, out-and-out.
Armie: Call me only when you’re ready.
He’s cutting me off completely. I sit on the bed, my movement frozen midway, the trousers still around my ankles. This is not what I meant, not at all what I wanted and he knows that.
Luckily, I’m too tired to panic, so I just curl into fetal position under the covers and fall asleep.
The next day I wake up restless from my recurring nightmare. Something was missing again, I didn’t know what it was and I couldn’t look for it but this time I knew I was the one who’d lost it.