Chapter Text
"Is this, like, one of your kinks?“ Deadpool asked amusedly.
He was hanging upside down from the edge of an overhanging roof, completely wrapped in a web like a cocoon. He was very slowly twisting around. The red and blue arachnid was sitting on the wall facing him and he resembled a very pissed, drenched cat.
“Stop following me around!” Spider-Man hissed and yes the cat resemblance was uncanny.
“Huh? Who's following anyone? Ah! Are you thinking of little old me!?” Wade squealed in delight and he swore Spidey rolled his eyes.
“Why are you following me?”
“Who wouldn't follow that ass anywhere? Seriously, just want an autograph… and maybe dinner and a movie or a coffee. Hey! We could go to the taco place a bit over, my treat, we can even stay up on the roof… mrf!”
His mouth was webbed shut. Like his whole bottom half was wrapped in a tight web. Thanks to the mask his nose was still clear.
: : Rude! : : happy squeal.
* * Deserved... * * Dry observation.
Aw, it wasn't the first time but this time he might not be able to get loose as easily. Spidey was getting good at wrapping him up. A slender yet strong hand grabbed the front of his suit and easily pulled him up until they were eye-level-ish(what with Deadpool being upside down and all).
“Stay the fuck off my trail or I'll hurt you bad,” the man growled.
: : Gwahahahaha!!! : :
* * He could potentially break us into so many small pieces we might not be able to heal from that... * *
Deadpool actually chuckled. He tried telling the little hero that the day he hurt Deadpool “bad” was the day the sun didn't rise.
“Think I won't? I'll take those ridicules swords of yours and you'll never see them again. You won't know if I melted them or broke them apart or threw them away or sold them. After that I'll take every bloody weapon you ever carry, I'll find where you live and I'll clean it out and I will keep cleaning it out while hunting down every bloody client you get in contact with and make sure they chose another mercenary.“
Deadpool’s eyes widened and he groaned as he got an instant hard-on. Actually, the threat and the tone of delivery sounded more serious than he'd ever heard from Spidey and it actually sent a thrill of fear/challenge down his spine to his groin.
: : Me want to fuck. Now. Think he'd ride us still being webbed up? What if he played with 'ur guns? : :
White provided a graphic image of Wade's precious guns deep in that spandex dressed ass and it was making his hard-on uncomfortable.
* * I think we should pay serious attention here... * *
I'll let you handle my guns any day you want as long as I get to watch. Deadpool intended to say but it was more of a:
"Mrf mfa grgf mur!!"
He chuckled again and grinned widely. That changed as his beloved hero actually grabbed both swords and slid them lose as he let Deadpool swing free. Without a second word or glance, the arachnid started crawling up to the roof.
Spidey?
"Mpuri?"
: : He's leaving? : :
* * ... * *
They watched as Spider-Man crawled over the edge of the roof and then... Nothing. He hung there staring wide-eyed as he swayed back and forth and around. It passed enough time for him to realize his blue and red spandex hero wasn't coming back. Wade cursed and yelled. Hell no! He was not serious. He couldn't be serious! What the fuck!
He struggled in the webs for who knew how long. He was spinning until he felt nauseous and had to rest for a moment. We'll fuck. Seemed he'd have to wait for the decay of the silly, stupid, kinky as hell, webs.
: : Maybe he's still waiting up there : : White whined.
* * He's long gone and he's dumping our swords in the east river, good fuck-up you slob * *
: : No way! He wouldn't really do that! He's Spider-man! : :
Spidey couldn't be serious. He was joking. Yet Wade's gut clenched not knowing where his beloved blades where.
After long enough the webs softened enough for him to get his hands on a knife. With some acrobatics, he managed to get loose while keeping a grip on the webs to climb up.
He was cursing muffled profanities once on the roof. He still cursed as he managed to cut off the webs over his mask that was muffling him.
“Fuck!” he roared to the empty roof.
Of course, there were no signs of the spider and he kicked at a wall hard enough to fracture his toes.
"Motha' fucking shit for brains cock-sucking shit eating donkey face!" he continued as he jumped on one foot for a while as it healed.
Panic was making his chest constrict. No way, no way, no way!
: : Did we piss him off that much? But we didn't even do anything! : : White wailed.
* * ... * *
Wade kept cursing as he stalked across the roof back and forth, rubbing his hand over his head. Damn, now he had to find the arachnid and then he'd lose the rest of his weapons. Something glinted a couple roofs over and he stiffened. Was that?
: : Sword? Spidey! He'd just been teasing! : :
* * Or a well-aimed automatic machine gun ready to tear us apart. Would be fitting... * *
Wade sprinted across the roofs and he laughed in slight relief. From beneath a water, cistern hung…one of his swords in a web. He caught the swirling blade and cut it lose as he looked around. After cleaning it off as well as he could and kissing it affectionately, he put it back in its place and looked around. Maybe the second one was on another roof?
*****
He was crushed. He was mortally wounded. Sorrow so black and deep it gutted him was carving a hole in his stomach. Or that could also be hunger. Three hours of fruitless searching had Deadpool returning home with a single sword.
: : I don't get it... He was actually serious? : : White whimpered.
* * Moron. Idiot. Shit for brains. Of course he was! He's tired of your lecherous ass trailing him everywhere! We've roughed up stalkers for less! * *
Wade tuned out the voices, depressed and tired and hungry and truly feeling like a filthy, old, bald stalker. Perhaps he'd really gone too far although he'd had the feeling Spider-Man had been game many times too. He was strong enough to give Wade the beating of his life if he got really pissed off.
* * Only an idiot pervert lecher like you can't take a verbal no * * Yellow snapped and Wade actually flinched at that.
He dragged himself into his so-called bedroom as he shed weapons, belt, and katana. He dragged off his mask before dumping himself heavily on the bed. Maybe if he bought like a ton of... of... something and bribed the arachnid and begged on his knees he could get his sword back. Probably had to write a contract of never getting within 500 yards of the man too.
* * Yeah because that always stops stalking rapists. Good thing he's as strong as he is so he can kick your stalking nuts next time he sees you * *
: : Spidey's just in a bad mood. He wasn't serious : : White whined.
"Shut up!" Wade snarled and put a pillow over his face in a try to suffocate himself.
While shooting his brains out was always the quickest most effective; most blessed way of getting a moment of quiet, he'd tried other methods. He threw the pillow away with a gush of breath. Suffocation had never really worked.
*****
The night had been spent tossing and turning and pacing the apartment and then finally somewhere during dawn he'd fallen asleep. New York was blaring and honking and wide awake when Wade next came around. The voices were soon bickering. White was still jumping from wailing unhappy to raging mad while yellow didn't miss a second of telling them exactly how worthless and idiotic they were and justice had been served way too gently.
He shuffled through the apartment towards the kitchen. Perhaps a cold coke crushed against his head would make him feel better. Something reflecting caught his eyes just before he entered the kitchen and he looked over to a window.
: : ... : :
* * ... * *
"..."
Outside his living room window hung his sword in a string of web. Twirling and swaying a bit in the breeze that was bound to happen 20 stores up.
: : Spidey! : :
* * I'm so disappointed. He should fly us... * *
Wade rushed across the living room and jumped clear across the sofa before slamming the window open and grabbing the precious blade. Without thinking of his unmasked face he stuck his head out and looked around. He didn't expect to see any blue and red spandex guy and he didn't.
"I knew he wasn't serious!" he chirped happily as he tugged the blade inside and cut it free with its own edge.
The blade came with a note and he opened it eagerly.
I know where you live. Behave.
Spider-Man
: : Squeee!!! We have a stalker spider! : :
* * This is actually disturbing; birds for brain. He's serious. Don't mess up again * *
Wade was grinning like a lunatic as he caressed the letter written in firm, beautiful handwriting. He folded it carefully before kissing his sword.
" Ah, he loves us," he grinned.
: : 
...For her lips were the colors of roses! : :
* * We should keep our distance... * *
: : On the last day I took her where the wild roses grow!! : :
"Tacos. I'll buy a heap of them. And flowers and a teddy bear and a big card saying sorry!" Wade hummed happily as he went about cleaning himself up.
: : ...I kissed her goodbye and said all beauty must die!! : :
* * Thinks white's being a bit too manic. Are you sure he doesn't want our Spidey dead? * * Yellow asked frostily to which White laughed manically.
"As if he can do anything about it," Wade muttered.
"He's just a voice and so's you and both shut up for once!"
*:*: RUDE!! *:*: