Chapter Text
one;
"we can't keep doing this," luke said. "we can't keep pretending that nothing is wrong and we're perfect because it's just not like that. i'm a fucking mess and you go around acting everything is fine but we both know it isn't and we keep trying to fix whatever it is we're trying to fix but all we really do is break it and we can't keep going on like this." he paused a moment to breathe. "we don't work, calum."
calum was silent. luke was right, he knew luke was right, but he just wanted luke to stay. whenever luke was gone calum had time to think and as soon as he started thinking he would think about all the things that were wrong with his stupid, miserable life and he would call luke and luke would come over and they would try to distract themselves because there was as much shit wrong with luke as there was with calum and that worked until it didn't, and then they pretended. they pretended everything was fine even though it wasn't and it was the same every day, calum would call and luke would come and they would pretend and luke would go and they would do it again the next day. and they would pretend that it worked. it didn't, though. they both knew that it didn't. that they didn't.
"please stay," calum said. he wanted to say i need you to stay, but he didn't. he couldn't.
luke shook his head. "i can't. i'm sorry."
and just like that, luke was gone and calum felt the world crumble around him because as much as they didn't work luke was like a drug to calum and he was addicted but now luke was gone and he wasn't coming back this time.
two;
calum hadn't seen or spoken to luke for two weeks now. he didn't see luke in any classes or at any parties or anywhere and that was good, right? like, calum was supposed to forget about luke and their not-relationship and worry about himself but he couldn't. luke was everywhere as much as he was nowhere. he was in the sheets and in his clothes and calum could still feel his touch and it felt like luke was a hurricane and calum was the wreckage left behind and it was impossible for calum to think about anything that wasn't luke. he wasn't sure what he hated more, the fact that luke was gone or the fact that he was still there when he wasn't.
"you're in love with him, dude," calum's roommate, michael, said when they were watching some shitty movie one evening.
"no, i'm not." calum sighed. michael was always telling calum that he was in love with luke no matter how many times calum insisted he wasn't. because, well, he wasn't. luke was a distraction. sure he was gone and calum couldn't stop thinking about him and maybe he missed his smell and his touch but still he was just a distraction.
"come on, we both know you are, difference is i'm the only one who's willing to admit it and i don't even like the guy. you refuse to say that you're in love with him because yeah you're afraid of what other people will say but mostly you're afraid of what he'll say because why would he ever love someone like you, why would anyone, even someone who's just as fucked up as you are."
calum kind of hated michael right now but he hated himself more because part of him knew michael was right. not so much the part about being afraid to be in love with luke because he didn't have feelings for luke. but yeah, he was afraid of falling in love. he was scarred and his heart was a fire that burned things down rather than provide warmth because he was greedy and selfish and stole every ounce of comfort offered to him and—
"calum?" the sound of michael's voice pulled him back to reality.
"yeah?" calum said.
"it's okay, you know."
a weak laugh left calum's lips. "it's not. but that's okay. it never is."
michael opened his mouth to speak but stopped himself and neither of them spoke for the rest of the night.
three;
luke reappeared the next day. calum wasn't sure what he was expecting to see but what he did see wasn't it. there was a genuine smile on luke's face and he looked healthier than calum had ever seen him look (not necessarily healthy, two weeks couldn't fix years of wreckage, but healthier) and he wasn't alone but also not with his usual crowd but rather holding hands with ashton irwin. calum didn't know what to think. luke was with ashton fucking irwin and he looked happy and calum was kind of crushed by it and that was the worst part of it because he still felt the ghost of luke and in two weeks luke had moved on and found someone who made him happy and someone who actually worked who wasn't calum. calum didn't really know ashton but he knew ashton was pretty much the last person he thought luke would be with because ashton seemed like he had always had it easy and he was in a band and he had a future and luke had never struck calum as the kind of guy who would want that. but the more he thought about it he realized that while he knew luke was damaged and kind of a fuck up he didn't really know luke.
calum didn't realize he was staring until luke came over. that seemed to be happening to him a lot lately, getting lost in his thoughts and forgetting what was going on around him.
"hey," luke said.
calum cleared his throat. "hi."
"how're you?"
"'m good."
"that's good."
"so you're with ashton?"
"yeah."
"that's cool, i guess."
luke nodded. they were quiet for a moment. had their conversations always been like this? if you had asked him yesterday he would have said no, but now calum wasn't sure. he was so used to pretending that things worked between them that he didn't know what it was really like anymore.
"he makes me happy," luke said, breaking the silence.
calum suddenly found himself unable to look the taller boy in the eye. happy. luke was happy. or maybe he wasn't but he was with someone who could make him happy and that was more than calum had and that was more than calum and luke had ever and calum didn't want to admit it but he was jealous. he wasn't actually sure what exactly he was jealous of but it was something.
"that's good." calum wondered if luke could hear his heart beating.
"look, i know that what we had wasn't really something but it wasn't nothing and i don't want you to think that i never felt something when we were together because that isn't true and i also don't want you to think that you did something to make me leave because you didn't. i'm not going to give you that it's-not-you-it's-me crap even if it was that but you know i was right when i said that we didn't work." calum was trying to formulate a response but luke continued before he could. "and i thought about you. even when i was with ashton i thought about you because i guess our not working was a lot more than i thought it was and i thought about you a lot and i know you probably don't want me to be part of your life and you don't have to say anything but i just had to let you know. you weren't nothing to me, calum. just remember that."
were those words supposed to hurt as much as they did? there were a million things calum wanted to say but he couldn't think of a single one to save his life. maybe michael was right. maybe calum did love luke. but it was too late.