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They play this game sometimes. What Dan and Phil are we tonight? They’re a couple drinks in, Dan having ordered two princess drinks out of spite, Phil sipping on his pina colada, promising Dan he’ll order a princess cocktail because he wants to feel like one with Dan. There’s a couple that’s sitting close to them. They’ve been here a while, cuddled up on the seats next to them, whispering in the other’s ear and giggling. Their cheeks are red, one of them is flustered and Dan smiles briefly when he makes eye contact.
That started an entire conversation about how hot it gets in these places, wishing for air conditioning and a closer laboratory. Dan looks across the way, thinking that it’s far but not too far, then again he hasn’t drank nearly as much as they have. He nods in agreement, telling Phil that he’s going to order them another drink despite the fact that he hasn’t finished his last one. It’s a night of celebrating, but not too much, just enough with a couple who’s more than willing to talk their ear off.
*
Dan and Phil learn a lot about the couple. They’re new to Milton Keynes, having moved from Portsmouth where they went to university. They’re just recently married and enjoying the honeymoon phase of their life, Dan smiles at the way that they lean into each other, admires that when they take a drink from their cocktails it’s at the same time, unplanned but in sync.
Phil doesn’t talk much, he just nods and he listens, because that’s what he’s good at, and Dan can come up with filler conversations but they seem to be talking enough for both of them. Dan laughs at their jokes, and comments on the places they’ve gone for holiday having been there with Phil. Sometimes he’ll even prompt a place they’ve gone like, Japan, and the couple with wide eyes say, ‘We’ve always wanted to go there!’
They don’t do this often, if at all; voluntarily talking to strangers is not something that they do unless they’re approached but somehow Dan doesn’t hate it. He finds his hand placed on Phil’s knee, it happened over the course of a couple of drinks and feeling a little bit confident, a little bit proud that this is his person, this is the one that he gets in this life. It doesn’t seem to go unnoticed by the couple but they’re smart enough to not say anything and Dan is thankful for that.
*
“So what do you do?” They ask, noticing that they’ve been talking the entire time without letting Dan and Phil really get a word in, but they don’t mind. Dan and Phil have been doing a lot of listening today.
Dan looks to Phil for a second before smiling back at the couple.
In these moments they can be whoever they want to be. Sometimes they’re writers, they have a cottage in Scotland overlooking the sea. Other times they’re parents who were lucky enough to get a babysitter. Mostly, they work office jobs but they’re happy.
And they are happy.
Happy in all of these pretend lives, but also happy in this one.
“I’m a writer and he’s a film editor.” Dan smiles at Phil again who nods, patting Dan’s knee.
*
Dan won’t say it out loud but he thinks it, it’s nice not to be Daniel Howell. It’s nice to be this version that he gives this couple. It’s nice to be able to wrap an arm around Phil. He knows that this makes Phil a little nervous. It makes Dan nervous too, to be so bold and out there like this, but it’s late, and he doesn’t regret it. He can tell that Phil is loosening up the more that they talk about things that are not themselves.
They start talking about concerts, and Phil tells them about the time they went to see Muse. The couple have heard a couple of their popular songs but they’re more into alternative music anyway. Phil wants to poke at Dan about his dabble in alternative music, and how Phil is more an instrumentals kind of guy.
It turns into a pleasant conversation, and then:
“—that reminds me, we were wondering about that event happening tonight! Did you go to that? It looked like a concert but we weren’t sure.”
Dan looks to Phil for a moment and he shakes his head.
“This is our first night out, actually.”
Phil changes the subject, and everything is fine.
*
When the night comes to an end they say goodbye to their new friends and wish them the best.
It’s a quiet walk back, each taking in the evening, feeling tired from all the talking and socializing. It’s nice to go out every now and then but it’s also nice to just walk back in silence, but there’s more to it than that, Dan thinks. They’re both thinking it anyway. There’s a feeling that these kind of nights bring, and maybe it’s the alcohol- he doesn’t know.
“I like who we are.” Phil says after a while.
Dan thinks about it. It’s hard. There are some days where he doesn’t really like himself. There are some days where he wished he wasn’t him, but it was complicated. He loved this life, he loved who he spent it with, but sometimes it was hard being him. It was like he was just living in this body and given this brain that made him feel a certain way sometimes (or all the time). He wished he could change some things, and be someone else sometimes.
But you’d miss out on all the great things that you’ve accomplished. He can hear the ghost of a conversation he had with Phil once.
“I like who I am with you.” Dan can say confidently, it’s something that he’s said to Phil once before and it was still true.
He felt like he was his best self with Phil, because he wanted to be the best for him, it’s what Phil deserved. Even on the days when he didn’t like himself all too much it was like Phil brought out the best features out of him. He was still learning to like himself, his therapist said that it would always be something to fight for.
Phil reaches out to place a hand on Dan’s arm and he smiles, because he knows.
“You’re my favourite princess, Dan.” Phil leans over to kiss Dan’s cheek and he blushes, he can’t help it.
“Alright, it was delicious and not as basic as your pina colada.”
“You’re right, I’m sorry, babe.” Phil reaches down to hold his hand giving it a gentle squeeze.
*
When they get back to their hotel room Dan thinks that he didn’t really feel the exhaustion earlier until now with his head hitting the pillow. He turns to see Phil whose eyes are closed but he’s still awake. He wraps his arms around him, wanting to be close. He kisses his cheek, and then lower to his neck and collarbone.
“Are you trying to start something? Because I’m bloody exhausted.” Phil laughs, turning a little, looking Dan in the eyes and then his lips. He leans in anyway and they kiss. It’s soft at first, and it feels good to Dan’s hazy state.
“No,” Dan says after another kiss. “I just. Love you.” Love all the versions of you, the pretend one’s and the real one’s.
“I love you too.” Phil replies back, his finger tugging on a curl that’s fallen over Dan’s face.
Dan pulls Phil closer to his chest ready for sleep to find the both of them.
It’s easy to pretend to be someone else for a while, he thinks, but at the end of the day he’s the same Dan that he’s always been, and someone loved him for that. He’d learn to love that part of him, too, someday.