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It's been several months since Atsushi has gotten proper sleep. And even longer since he has gone on a mission; alone or with his companion, Akutagawa. More importantly there hasn't been a day where he does not show up to their shared apartment a few buildings away from the port. It's a pleasant feeling to come home to someone you love. Atsushi has never done that before.
Opening the door is a hassle. The knob is wobbly and always threatens to give way every time he enters. The outer shell covering the brass is starting to shed. It's collecting dirt. But he can't clean it. He won't. It's nice the way it is. Nowadays he has gloves on to combat any germs anyhow. So it does not matter.
As he steps into the apartment he makes sure to close the door with his foot. Always in the same place, calculated and careful. Scuffs are starting to layer upon one another. It doesn't bother Atsushi one bit because his shoeprint is right beside Akutagawa's though a bit smaller in comparison.
Taking a few steps he finds himself in the too small kitchenette area. There are few dishes in the sink. Black mold is beginning to grow in them - the cylindrical tea cup and porcelain plate decorated in cherry blossoms.
Atsushi ignores them as he always does and pulls a teabag from out of the drawer right next to the sink. It's a triangular black tea bag that smells lovingly familiar. Turning on his heel he grabs a kettle and fills it with the kitchen tap and looks everywhere but at the mold - he holds his breath until the water spills out to warn him. Water splashes onto the dishes and he turns to his right to turn on one of the stove burners. It clicks for a long while as gas starts to make it into his lungs. They have always been finnicky things. As the fire lights up he places the kettle down. The teabag is brought over to sit on the small space of counter between the sink and stove.
Out of habit, Atsushi pulls his cell phone out of his pants pocket. Unlocking it is easy enough he could never forget the password; Ryu.
"Ah.." It's a sound that leaves his mouth upon instinct. The homescreen is a picture of Akutagawa looking at white lilies at the botanical gardens. Everything in the picture is warm. Akutagawa's gentle grip on the lily's stem as he observes and the way his face softens while his lip curves up to something resembling a half-smile.
The picture reminds him of what he is suppose to be doing. Dragging his finger down on the screen he checks his texts, there are hundreds but he goes to the chat pinned at the top. There is a pink heart with an arrow shooting through it next to the name 'Aku.'
The last text Atsushi sent reads, 'When will you be getting home?' It was read so he doesn't understand why his boyfriend has yet to respond. But Atsushi supposes that he might be busy so he locks his phone.
What time is it again? Steam billows up to the ventilators above the stove-top distracting Atsushi from checking. Atsushi quickly rushes to shut off the fire beneath it. Then he gingerly places the teabag inside the kettle for it to steep. A smile graces his features as he takes in the sweet waft of tea leaves expanding inside the boiling hot water. It smells familiar. It smells like his lover.
Looking to the left Atsushi notices that the clock on the microwave is blinking rapidly at 00:00. To his right the oven is blinking just the same and before he has time to mull over why that is there is a rattling at the door.
Atsushi leans against the counter as he eyes the door suspiciously. In no way is he expecting any company - both his friends at the Port Mafia and the ADA were busy after all.
"Who is it?" No answer.
But the door opens to reveal an answer. A body decorated in nothing but black blanketed by a reddened aura slots himself between the door and its battered frame.
"Who else would it be?" Amusement paints his face as he retorts his response.
Atsushi feels his heart drop straight down into his stomach as his boyfriend closes the door. His footprint is smearing blood onto the white paint of the door and subconsciously Atsushi's body is shaking. Shaking and backing away closer to the kettle and set of kitchen knives that they have in an organised wooden block.
"Wait, don't." The words shake and drip in fear as he scratches at the marble countertop. Iron mixes in with the smell of tea and it's wrong. This is wrong.
"Why didn't you answer my texts? And calls?" It is in no way important but it is the first thing out of his mouth. It doesn't matter he now knows what this is.
This does not feel right. Akutagawa wouldn't do this to him. His boyfriend would never track blood or any other debris into their flat on purpose. Because he knows of Atsushi's fear of such things.
Akutagawa is close enough to touch him and Atsushi grabs a knife from the chopping block to point it at his boyfriend's chest.
"What do you mean? I didn't get any of them." The innocence seems to be faux and it tears at every fiber of Atsushi's being.
Something is not right. Akutagawa would not do this, he would not blantantly lie to him much less directly to his face.
It was read. He was left on read. The texts at least went through but he can't speak for the phone calls as they went straight to voicemail.
At this point his breath is wavering and his hands are shaking. His heart is thudding in his chest and thumping too loudly in his ears.
A hand reaches out to grace his cheeks, he knows it, and he flinches at the attempt.
You're dirty, don't touch me. I'm dirty so please for the love of all that is holy do not touch me.
"D-don't fucking touch me!" Atsushi screams hysterically, eyes growing wide with the terror flooding his frame. It moves through him like water, fast and deft. It washes his senses and sticks fast to his stomach and mind. Coating him the horrific realisation that something isn't right. But he can't figure out what.
Akutagawa pulls his hand back. But Rashomon snakes a tendril around the knife, breaking it and rendering it useless. The sharpened metal hits the tile floor with a scraping noise that sends shivers down Atsushi's spine.
"What are you doing, my love? It's me." It's too nice. Too gentle. Words terribly saccharine.
Atsushi is panting now as his heart struggles to keep blood pumping at a regular, monitored pace. A sour feeling wrings his insides and he collapses as his shaky knees buckle. He throws the knife to the side and pulls at his hair while gasping around whimpers.
"Please, please leave." Warmth spills down his face as an empty feeling hollows out his insides. Sharp stabbing pains are at his sides all the while bile rises fast and steady up his esophagus. He can feel his heartbeat thrum everywhere. It's coming up his throat as he gags on his own stomach acid.
"Don't touch me." Don't you dare fucking touch me.
Arms encircle his waist to hold him close and the air is knocked out of his lungs.
"Please don't.... don't touch me." Dry lips wheeze around the words but his body betrays him and leans into the embrace even rests his head on his boyfriend's shoulder.
"I'm here, Atsushi." The whisper of his name in his ear makes him grab at his chest. It feels like he is going to explode.
His fingers are starting to tingle as he grips his chest tighter - a weak attempt to claw his own heart out. It would hurt less if he could do just that.
Against his will he presses his lips to his boyfriend's throat, just below his ear. One two, one-two. It's the same. Atsushi can feel his heartbeat against his lips and it hurts.
"Stop it, you're not-" Tears are flowing freely now and taste salty in his mouth. His chest tightens impossibly as hands come up to cradle his face.
"I don't want to... please make it stop. It hurts so damn much." Atsushi is sobbing as his eyes blur and his jaw trembles around the words. Drool is spilling out of his mouth and his hands grasp Akutagawa's thin wrists. His grip is gentle and loving while he runs his thumbs along the pitter patter of a weakened heartbeat.
"I'm real, can't you feel me darling?"
Atsushi takes in a shuddery breath and closes his eyes because he can - he can feel him and it feels fucking euphoric. His chest feels like it is going to cave in on him.
"Can you say it please? Even if you're gone I can hear it in my dreams right?" Pain soaks his bones and with this alone he could light a fire. Burying himself into his beau's chest is easy and scarily comfortable. It forces more tears out of his sore eyes.
"Please, you know what I want to hear..." And he should because Atsushi always asks for the same thing. No matter how many times he hallucinates he asks for one thing only. Just a few words.
Because you're part of my subconscious now. You don't exist outside of this so please just give me what I want.
"Atsushi. I.. I love you." But his voice is distorted, a dark and deep baritone that leads him to let out a frustrated yell. Something horrible, demonic even. Far from sounding like darling Akutagawa.
Anger fills Atsushi faster than normal. It drenches his mind and he hits the floor with a thud as the apparition dissipates. The warmth is violently and cruelly ripped away from him. He resorts to curl up on the cold tile floor, pulling his knees to his overabused chest.
Akutagawa is gone and he is left on the floor to rot alone, again.
"I love you too, Akutagawa..."
Soon his vision spots with florescent neon colors then fades to black.
Atsushi jolts up with a gasp and pats the opposite side of the bed, it's cold. His chest feels like it's being weighed down and silent tears are already making their way down his face. There's a lump in his throat as he claws his bare hands down his tired face. He doesn't know how much longer he can keep this up for.
It takes a few moments for him to lie back down and catch his breath. While trying to calm down he fiddles with the ring on his finger. It's a silver band with today's date engraved on the inside in cheesy cursive handwriting. It manages to calm him down some but he cannot find the strength to get up and out of bed. Instead he sleeps on Akutagawa's side and takes in the scent of his pillow. It smells like his lavender shampoo. Even if it hurts he stays in bed most days curled up under the sheets avoiding any and every responsibility possible.
It's been several months since Akutagawa has passed away. And even longer since Atsushi has gone to work. More importantly there hasn't been a day where he forgets that he has died. Every dream plays with his mind. Every time he closes his eyes he sees Akutagawa and thinks he is real.
Atsushi thought it would be easy to adjust to Akutagawa's absence but every day it grows increasingly difficult. He thought he could go directly back to having no one in his life to love or love him anymore.
Today is their anniversary. Atsushi was going to propose but instead he wears the ring meant for Akutagawa on his own hand instead. The fire inside his heart for him will never die out.