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Emma has her tongue down Isak’s throat, and Isak isn’t sure why he hasn’t thrown up at this point. But they’re together, at Eva’s house, in a room full of people, and Isak has a reputation to keep. So he puts his hands on her ass, pulls her against him, and kisses her as enthusiastically as he can.
He feels nothing.
Emma kisses his cheek and moves along to his ear, pulling gently with her teeth. Isak sighs out of something quite the opposite of lust, but Emma misunderstands him.
“Do you want to go somewhere private?” She whispers in his ear. And Isak is sure that any other guy would jump at the idea of going somewhere ‘private’ with a pretty girl (especially Magnus) but Isak doesn’t feel that. He just wants to...run.
But instead he talks to her, puts her down gently. “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he whispers back. “You’re really drunk, Emma. I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do.”
“But I’m not that drunk!” Isak cringes at her whiny voice. “And I want you Isak. You’re not making me do anything I don’t want.” She licks his ear.
“Well,” Isak says, backing away quickly. “ I’m drunk. And-” Isak is cut off by Emma’s lips. She plasters herself against him again and this time he pushes her away. Softly, he hopes. “Emma, I’m drunk. And I don’t want to do anything I’m going to regret.”
Emma stomps her foot, like literally she stomps her foot on the ground like a cartoon character. “Fine! Whatever, Isak. You’re hot but you’re not fucking worth it.”
When she storms away Isak lets out a sigh of relief. He’s not drunk at all, he hasn’t taken a single drink the entire evening, he was just desperate to get away from Emma. Of course, him not having any alcohol in his system could account to why he felt so disgusted with Emma at the moment. Normally he could handle a girl grinding on him and shoving their tongue down his throat, in fact he had even gotten a few blow jobs. But he couldn’t stand it at all if he wasn’t drunk at least a little.
So Isak sighs and he makes his way to Eva’s room in the basement where he can clear his mind and get out of the thumping music and dancing crowd. After scanning the room to make sure he’s alone he flops down on her bed and takes a deep breath.
Nothing really makes sense in his brain, he wants to like Emma, he wants it badly. But no matter how many times she makes a move on him, it’s like his body just won’t respond. And god, it’s so damn frustrating.
So instead of having sex with Emma like he was supposed to right then, Isak lays in a bed by himself and questions his existence.
That is, until a voice appears. “Hi.”
Isak jolts to a sitting position and scans the room until his eyes land on a figure in the corner, sitting up against the wall in the shadows. “Jesus,” Isak scoffs. “You scared the shit out of me. How long have you been sitting there?”
“Maybe like an hour? You’re the first to venture into this room as well, though. I’m guessing this is a private room?”
Isak denies how damn hot the boy’s voice sounds to his ears. Yup, he denies it all the way. Because his voice is not hot, not at all.
“Yeah,” Isak squeaks. “This is Eva’s room. But she said it was okay for me to come down here. Do you know her?”
“Nope,” the boy says, popping the ‘p’.
Isak hums. “So why are you here then?”
“A friend of a friend of a friend knows Eva...I guess. So here I am, at her party.”
“No, I mean why are you here, in her room?”
The boy decides then to stand up and make his way to the bed Isak is currently on. When he walks out of the shadows Isak’s breath hitches. Because this isn’t just any ordinary boy. This is the boy that Isak has a crush on. The one that he has seen around Nissen, the one that makes his heart beat faster and wonder for a fleeting second, what if ?
Of course, the boy has no knowledge of this so called ‘crush’ that Isak has, and he makes himself comfortable next to Isak. Very, very close to Isak. And Isak does not notice how his hair bounces when he flops down, he does not notice how tight his jeans are, how blue his eyes are, how fucking plump his lips are. He doesn’t notice any of this. (Well, at least that’s what he tells himself as he lays next to the boy and turns his head to face him.)
The boy is staring right back.
“I guess I’m here to find you. Maybe it’s fate.”
Isak laughs out of instinct, but on the inside his heart clenches because this boy looks into his eyes like nobody ever has before. He looks like he knows everything Isak doesn’t even know himself, like he has no doubt that it is fate, and who the fuck believes in fate at a high school party?
“You believe in fate?”
“Yeah, why not? I mean if fate leads me to a very pretty boy lying in bed next to me than fuck yeah I believe in fate!”
Isak blushes. And he never blushes. But his entire face heats up at the small comment.
“Shut the fuck up man,” Isak says.
“What? You are very pretty, you know.”
Isak blushes harder. “What, are you gay?” And Isak doesn’t know why he says it, but it makes the boy’s face fall. And suddenly all of his confidence seems to disappear. He looks away from Isak and at his feet instead.
The silence is awkward. Isak is hyper aware of the body next to him, of every twitch and breath of the boy. And he feels horrible. He feels like slapping himself in the face because he had no right to make that comment. The boy wasn’t making him feel uncomfortable at all, yet he still had to say something stupid.
“Actually I’m pansexual.”
Isak is surprised to hear the boy’s voice again.
“What does that mean?” Isak asks in a small, timid voice.
“It means that I like people regardless of their gender. Are you okay with that?” The last sentence sounds sharp and mean. And Isak feels heartbroken.
“Yes,” Isak says, trying to bite back his tears. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you.”
Even’s face softens and his hand comes up to caress Isak’s cheek. “It’s okay.” His hand is gone as quickly as it arrived. “I didn’t mean to touch you. I apologize.”
“It’s okay.”
And then they’re quiet. But it’s less awkward. It feels almost like Isak knows the boy next to him. And when he pulls out a joint from his back pocket and grins at Isak, all Isak can say is “hell yeah.”
And soon enough they’re high out of their minds.
“Do you ever think about air? Like fuck, air is so weird.” Isak is rambling but he couldn’t care less with the weed in his system. “Like you can’t see it, but it’s always there. And you take it in to your body. But you still can’t see it. But you walk through it. Breathing is such a weird thing man. I just don’t understand it at all.”
“Shit you’re right, chemistry is a lie.”
“No, you know what’s a lie? Fate. Fate is a lie. Like shit doesn’t happen for a reason. It just happens. Like us lying here together and smoking weed, which by the way, thank you for the free weed.”
“Of course, any time.”
“That’s not fate. It’s not fate that I ended up eating a bad burrito and getting food poisoning last week. It’s not fate that I was forced to watch the new ghostbusters movie with Magnus, like none of that is fate. It’s just what happens.”
“I mean four female ghostbusters? The feminists are taking over! I’m an adult virgin!”
“Well that was a weird segue into a new topic, Jesus. I didn’t need to know that information dude.”
“No, no, I’m not actually an adult virgin, it’s just a vine. Do you watch vines?” Isak shakes his head. “Of course. Nobody watches vines anymore. Sorry, you’re right. That was weird of me to say. But you have to admit this weed is really strong.”
“Yeah I haven’t been this high in like a fucking year.”
“Do you want to watch some vines?”
“What?”
“Do you want to watch some vines, I have some on my phone, so we could watch them if you wanted to.”
“Um...I think I’ll pass. Sounds like some weird shit to me.”
But the boy laying next to Isak doesn’t listen. Instead he pulls out his phone, scoots closer to Isak, and begins playing vine after vine. And within mere seconds Isak is clutching his stomach in laughter because this shit is dumb and hilarious and Isak is high. And every time the boy plays another one he scoots even closer to Isak. And Isak is just rolling around on the bed and struggling to breathe, and before he knows it he’s on the edge and falling onto his back on the floor.
He falls with an “oof” and he’s clutching his stomach for a different reason this time. “You didn’t have to push me off the bed, you know.”
And then the boy is leaning over the side of the bed and looking down at Isak. He makes a pained noise. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. Let me help you.” So he leans further and reaches out his hand to help Isak and he overestimates greatly because one second he’s on the bed and the next he’s on top of Isak.
“Shit I think you broke my back.” But Isak is not serious, and neither is the boy on top of him. His head is in Isak’s shoulder and he’s giggling like a five year old watching spongebob.
“It seems like I’m breaking a lot of things tonight,” he says, lifting his head up to look at Isak.
“Like what?” Isak asks quietly, and he’s afraid of the answer. He’s afraid that this boy is going to break his heart in some way, he’s going to say something that is going to crush Isak.
“I’m breaking my rules.”
“What rules? Tell me what rules.”
“To stay away from you."
Isak’s breath gets caught in his throat. “Why would you need to stay away from me? Why is that one of your rules?”
“Because I’m broken. Because I’m not good enough for you. And I knew if I talked to you I would fall for you. Yet here I am.” The boy hides his face in Isak’s neck again. And Isak just lays there, feels his body weight, and tries to understand what he’s saying. Because he doesn’t understand it. He doesn’t even know this boy’s name. And what he’s saying right now seems so big, too big for Isak to handle. And when the boy brings his face up to look at Isak, his eyes look conflicted. He looks like he wants so much from Isak, but Isak knows nothing.
Then he leans in and kisses Isak.
It’s barely a brush of the lips, but it’s enough for Isak to shove the body off of him with wide eyes and an exposed heart.
“What the fuck!” He yells in the boy’s face because he doesn’t know what else to do. And he’s breathing fast and he’s high out of his mind and he doesn’t want to face the emotions threatening to burst out of his chest.
And the boy looks shocked, like he never expected that reaction from Isak.
“Why the fuck did you kiss me? I’m not fucking gay!” And woop-die-woop homophobic Isak is back.
The boy sits on the ground with his arms wrapped around his knees. So Isak stands up because he needs to feel like he has some control. And when he’s standing his mind is a little more clear and he remembers that he likes girls, that he is supposed to kiss girls, and have sex with girls, and this is fucked up. So he towers over the boy on the floor and he tells him to get out.
And the blue eyes that look at him are sad, so sad. But the boy gets up with a small, quiet “sorry” and he leaves. Just like that.
And when he’s gone Isak sits heavily on the bed. He puts his head in his hands and his thoughts travel from the boy to Emma to his mom to Jonas. His mind can’t seem to focus on any one thing. And he’s still high. And he’s confused. So he sits there for minutes, hours, who knows. But when he starts to really evaluate, and think about how it felt to laugh with the boy, how easy it was to watch dumb videos on his phone and how happy he felt, he can’t really find anything wrong about it. But whenever he was with Emma, it did feel wrong. And the longer he thinks, the more he wishes he hadn’t sent the boy away. Because he had seen him around school, and he had wanted to talk to him and right now Isak is so high he can’t even get himself to care that what he’s feeling is for a boy. He feels what he feels, damnit.
So he gets up and nearly sprints up the stairs.
But once he starts looking he realizes there are a lot of people. Like a crazy amount of people. And lots of them have blond hair, and lots of them look like the boy, but every time Isak thinks he has found him, it turns out to be another random person. And Isak is about to give up when Jonas taps his shoulder.
“Hey where did you disappear to? I couldn’t find you.”
Isak just shrugs and continues to look around the room frantically.
“Who are you looking for?”
Isak focuses on Jonas. “I...I don’t know his name, but he’s tall, he has blond hair? I just need to tell him something.”
And then it’s like a light goes off in Jonas’s eyes. “Oh, you’re looking for Even!”
“What? Even? I...maybe. I’m not sure what his name is.”
“Blue eyes, very good looking, tight jeans?”
Isak’s mouth falls open. “um…”
“You like him don’t you?” And the way Jonas says it is so chill, so laid back, that it makes Isak feel like he is normal, like it’s normal for him to like Even.
“He...I saw him drinking earlier and I think he left.”
Isak’s heart sinks a little bit. Even left?
“Fuck, do you know where he went?”
“Dude, he probably went home, I don’t know. But I think he lives like a couple of blocks down? I know I saw him going left.”
“Left?”
“Left.”
“Okay, thank you Jonas.”
And Jonas waves him goodbye and shouts “goodluck” to Isak like he's going on a quest or something.
And Isak leaves with a light heart and an excitement in his bones that he hasn’t felt before.
So he turns left. And he runs. He runs like all hell broke loose. Because he needs to see Even again, he needs to tell him that he’s sorry, and that he’s confused, and he needs Even to tell him it’s okay.
And then he gets lost. He’s lost but determined. So he doesn’t give up. He continues to walk down street after street and soon he’s yelling out “Even” over and over again, hoping that Even will hear him, that he will run into his arms.
And he almost gives up. Almost. Because it’s dark and it’s cold and Isak’s jacket is not nearly thick enough for this weather. But just then, right when he’s ready to go back, he sees blond hair that defies gravity on top of a boy who’s sitting on a bench all by himself, his hands covering his eyes and small, quiet sobs shaking his body.
Isak’s heart breaks.
“Even?” He says carefully.
Even sits up fast and spins on his heels, nearly tripping. He’s drunk. And Isak thinks maybe Even won't be the one comforting him right now, but maybe he's the one who needs to comfort Even.
“Isak? Isak what are you doing here?” He wipes his eyes frantically, but Isak has already seen. So he walks up to Even slowly, letting him choose if he wants Isak’s comfort.
When they reach each other Isak holds his arms open and Even falls into them. And Isak’s heart breaks a little bit more. Because Even feels so small in his arms, he feels a little bit broken. And he’s sobbing again. So Isak just pets his hair and shushes him and tells him everything is okay, everything is okay.
“I’m sorry I said those things to you, Even. I’m so sorry. You did nothing wrong. You’re not broken. I think you’re sweet and lovely, and I’m sorry.” Isak knows nothing about Even, only that he likes vines and believes in fate. But he can be here, right now, for Even. Because Even needs someone.
And when Even pulls back he’s smiling. He’s smiling so big it makes Isak’s heart swell.
“Thank you for coming back,” he whispers. And then, “I’m drunk. God, I’m so drunk.”
Isak giggles. “I know.”
“But you’re just as beautiful as ever. And I want...I want to date you. And I know that’s very forward and kind of weird, and I’m sorry I haven’t even introduced myself, but you seem to have found out my name somehow. But I feel like...I just feel like we’re supposed to be together. And fuck it, fate is real. Why else would we be here right now?”
“Why else would we be here,” Isak echos.
“We’re here because the universe wants us to be together.”
And okay, that’s a little big for Isak to handle, but Even is drunk. And for some reason Isak isn’t scared of what he’s saying. So he musters up all of the courage he possibly can for his next words.
“Do you want to go on a date with me this Friday?”
“Yes, yes, yes, yes!” Even loops his arms around Isak’s neck and Isak’s heart grows two sizes. Because he’s so happy. Even is so happy. And his happiness is contagious. “Thank you thank you thank you!”
Isak just laughs and holds onto Even.
“You know what I think?” Isak doesn’t respond so Even nuzzles further into his neck. “Isak,” Even whines, drawing out the “i” sound. “Answer my question baby.”
A shiver runs through Isak’s body at the pet name Even uses. Fuck . He really must be drunk. And here Isak is, with the boy he had a crush on for years, in his arms, trying to climb him, and calling him baby. Isak shivers again. But he decides to appease Even. “I don’t know. What do you think?”
Even kisses Isak’s neck then, kisses and sucks and bites, and while Isak normally loathes the feeling of lips on his skin, he turns into a pile of mush the second Even kisses him. Because this time he’s not so scared. This time he feels like maybe things are okay.
Isak struggles to remain standing with Even wrapped around him, so instead he flips them around and walks Even backwards until he has him pinned up against a wall. Even never lets up on the assault to his neck.
“Even,” Isak pants. But he doesn't know what he's asking for. Is he asking for more? Less? His head is spinning.
“I think that you are the cutest”-kiss-”most beautiful”-kiss-”most loveliest”-kiss-”boy in the entire universe.” Even speaks between kisses and at this point Isak is panting. His body is flush against Even’s and he’s incredibly turned on, he’s surprised he hasn’t popped a boner yet. But to be completely honest, his mind is still whirling with questions, questions of why he feels this way when it’s a boy he’s pressed against.
“Jesus you smell good.” Even says, burying his nose in Isak’s shirt and inhaling. Isak’s breathing hard at Even’s actions. And when Even grabs Isak’s face with both hands and stares at him deeply in the eyes, all Isak can think about is how beautiful he is, about how beautiful his eyes are and his lips. Because Isak has forgotten all about his inner battle. All he sees is Even before him. Because it doesn’t matter that he’s a boy, it doesn’t matter that he’s hard in the places that girls are soft. Because love is love, and Isak feels like drowning in it.
And when Even kisses him, all of his thoughts fly right out the window. Even’s lips are gentle and soft, but they are determined. And they fit to Isak’s like the two boys were made for each other. And Isak lets himself feel, he gives himself over to Even and he secretly thinks that maybe it is fate that brought them together.
Even pulls Isak in by the back of his neck and Isak shuffles closer, if that’s possible. Because, well, he is officially growing hard in his pants, and the desire in his brain is clouding his rational thought. So Isak slips his tongue in Even’s mouth and their kiss becomes more heated. And Isak doesn't feel scared. He doesn't feel like backing away, he just feels like getting closer.
But he slows them down, because he's getting overwhelmed, and Even is still drunk and Isak is still high. So they slow down until they're kissing softly and Even is nibbling softly on Isak’s lips. But Isak is still panting and he's still hard in his jeans.
When Even pulls away and looks at Isak, he looks amazed. And Isak feels like maybe he deserves that look. Because when he says what he's needed to say for years now, it's like a burden is lifted off his chest and he feels free.
“I'm gay.”
Even strokes his cheek with a soft, tender hand.
“That's okay. That's amazing. You're still as beautiful as ever.”