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“Byee guys, I'll see ya soon!” Niall ended his video with a big smile on his face. He took his camera and sighed deeply. He loved filming and editing, just making videos was his way to relax, but sometimes it was even too hard to keep a smile on his face for a whole video. He started editing the video immediately, but he probably wouldn't upload it until tomorrow which is Friday. He always uploads a new video every Friday and Tuesday. Every Tuesday he uploads a vlog and every Friday either a singing video or some random video.
“Niall!” his mums shout suddenly startled him.
“What?!”
“You should go to bed, you have school tomorrow!” Niall rolled his eyes and didn't answer. Sure it was already 11pm but he didn't want to go to sleep. He didn't want to wake up tomorrow and go to new school.
He lived in Ireland his whole childhood, but when he turned sixteen they moved to London. His mum got a new job, that's why. His life in Ireland hadn't been the best. He was kinda loud and always laughing and many people didn't like it. He was bullied but not badly. He had many friends around him and they helped him. He was happy kid and almost never sad. Then he moved to London and the school wasn't as accepting as his old school. He didn't get any friends, but he was okay with it. But then the bullying started and with no friends it was way harder to cope than in Ireland with his friends. He was openly gay and he had just started making videos on youtube so the bullies called him all bad names for gay. Queer, Faggot, Fag, Homo. They called him names every day and slammed him on the lockers. Though he still wasn't so badly bullied as some people were. They didn't beat him up or anything, just made him doubt himself very very badly with their words and he also had some bruises on his arms because of the lockers he was slammed to. But the last straw was when over a year ago his dad died. It left him broken and he didn't know what to do. He was lost for months and he ended up with bloodied wrists and red eyes. Everything just became too much for him that he didn't know how to cope anymore.
Making videos also did help him. He didn't stop making videos, not once. He didn't share his life with the fans either, they didn't have to know how he didn't have any friends or that his dad had just died. He had over 500,000 subscribers who gave him so nice comments, sometimes there were some people who were asking if he was okay. They noticed that Niall wasn't okay and it made him try harder to look okay. Not once was he okay, but happy he was. When he was in his room alone, making videos, editing or playing guitar. Then he was happy, genuinely happy. The fans were supportive and told him amazing things even they didn't know a thing about his life.
But he did not keep the fans too far away, he sometimes told some things that had happened on the street, if he had seen something funny or if he had had amazing time with his family back in Ireland.
He didn't know why some people loved him and his videos so much. He had so amazing comments on his every video that it made him just try and live, but then was the hater comments. He tried to ignore them, but sometimes they stung more than his razor blade on his wrist.
With a deep sigh Niall shut his computer and stood up. He stretched and started changing to his pajama pants and t-shirt, he took a hoodie and put it on as well. He always wore a long sleeved shirts and hoodies when he wasn't sleeping because he couldn't risk it that anyone would see his cuts. His mom really could just burst in so Niall wanted to make sure that nothing was too exposed.
He brushed his teeth before climbing in his bed. He threw the hoodie on the floor and pulled the cover over him. He didn't want to go to school tomorrow, it made him uncomfortable. But he was glad that he didn't have to go to his old school anymore and there was this small sparkle of hope that maybe, just maybe, everything would turn out fine.
Niall couldn't sleep. He just stared at the ceiling and wondered. He felt that little pressure on his wrists, but he did his hardest to ignore it. It took about half an hour until he couldn't do it anymore. He gritted his teeth but ended up getting up. He tiptoed in the bathroom which was just across the corridor. His mum had went to bed but Niall couldn't be sure if she was already sleeping so he couldn't let any suspicious noises. He locked the bathroom door behind him and sat on the toilet. He searched for his razor and it didn't take long to find it. He hadn't done this in two days and now he just had to. He never was good at ignoring the urge and the itch on his wrists. He always ended up in the bathroom with the razor.
He had to bite his lip as he dragged the blade across his already scarred wrist. The blood started pour down his arm and he had to take some paper and place it on his lap so his pants wouldn't get bloody. Silent tears rolled down his cheeks as he dragged the razor five more times. He deserved this, it was right. He felt like the anxiety and ache in his chest left as he felt the pain in his wrist. He knew it would be back by tomorrow morning but at least he would have a few hours free.
–------------------------
Niall groaned as his alarm clock went off in the morning. He waved his hand to its direction and it fell on the floor with a quiet bang. It did shut up so Niall was pleased. He laid still in his bed, eyes closed until his mom came to wake him up.
“Niall, sweetheart.. You should get up, you have forty minutes until your school starts”, she spoke softly from his door. Niall groaned a yes on his pillow and he could hear his mother walking away. He pushed himself up and put the hoodie on, which was on the floor. He padded to the kitchen to eat breakfast. He couldn't stop thinking about the new school and he wanted to throw up every time he thought about going there, he was way too nervous.
Eight o'clock Niall was all ready, with his black Adidas hoodie and light jeans. He only had to take his coat, so he wouldn't freeze in the cold December morning. He threw his backpack on his shoulder and headed out. He had only about three minutes walk to the bus stop and then fifteen minutes ride to school.
He walked on the bus stop and pulled his hoodie up. It must be at least minus twenty degrees and it was so fucking cold. He took his headphones and started listening to music while waiting for the bus. He had to admit that he was starting to be more than nervous. He felt like throwing up and just running back home.
The whole bus ride he looked down no matter what he heard. No one bothered him and he was more than okay with it. At school first he had to go to the office to get his schedule and other papers.
There was a lot of whispering around him as he walked along the corridor, and he looked around briefly. Some girl let out a quiet scream and started whispering to her friend. Niall blushed and looked down. He walked in the office as quickly as possible and avoided any kind of human contact.
“Hi, how can I help you?” very nice old looking lady asked behind the desk.
“Umm.. I'm new here.. I'm Niall Horan”, Niall mumbled and sat on the chair.
“Okay, right.. “ she said and started searching something. After a moment she placed a lot of papers on the desk and smiled to Niall.
“Here is your schedule, here is all the books that you need to buy, make sure to buy the right ones, and here is just some more information”, she said and Niall nodded. He took the papers and stuffed them in his backpack.
“The class starts in five minutes so you better hurry, have a nice first day”, the lady smiled and started typing on her computer.
“Bye...” Niall mumbled and exited the office.
Most of the people were already in the classrooms when Niall walked out. He heard some whispers and when he looked behind him a group of girls were walking towards him.
“Hi.. You're N-Niall Horan right?” one of the stuttered, they all were looking really shy.
“Yes”, Niall smiled.
“C-can we have a picture with you?” Of course Niall said yes, why wouldn't he? He talked with them a while and then they all had to hurry to their classes. Niall had a smile on his face after that. Before his first class he went and stuffed his coat in his locker
From the other side of the corridor four boys were watching Niall interact with the girls.
“That is Niall! That definitely is Niall fucking Horan!” Harry Styles, the youngest of them, said a huge smile on his face.
“It indeed looks like it.. Your prince is here to get you”, Louis Tomlinson winked and nudged Harry's side.
“Shush.. I need to talk to him! I really hope he's in some class with me!” Harry said and grinned widely.
“Yeah, yeah.. Let's just go to our class, we're gonna be late”, Zayn said and rolled his eyes. It wasn't that Zayn had anything against Niall or Harry, he just had been late enough from his classes and soon he was gonna be in trouble.
“Oh my gosh it's Niall Horan...” Harry still whispered when they started walking away.
Harry has been Niall's long time fan, he has been subscribed to the blond boy already over a year now. When Harry first time saw Niall on his computer screen he almost chocked. His friend had recommended him to watch Niall's videos but he had never thought the boy would look so hot.
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Niall sighed and sat on his chair. It was his last class before lunch and he was starving. The school had been very nice so far, no name calling and any other bullying. Instead many people came to talk to him and ask for a picture with him. He took his maths notebook with a smile, since he didn't have any books yet he only had notebooks on his classes. He still was nervous about the lunch, he'd sit alone because he didn't know the people good enough to be able to eat with them and not feel awkward. He didn't want to eat alone though, he knew he's gonna feel anxious. He laid his head against his book and closed his eyes, he hadn't slept well last night and it was really starting to show. He was sure he was almost asleep when suddenly someone cleared their throat. Niall snapped his head up and looked at the person, a tall boy with brown curly hair.
“You're sitting on my seat”, the boy said.
“Sorry”, Niall squeaked and was just about to stand up when the boy laughed.
“You can sit there really”, he said and sat next to Niall.
“I'm Harry by the way”, the tall boy, Harry, said.
“I'm Niall”, Niall said and smiled to the boy.
“I know.”
“Sorry..” Niall said and he looked down.
“Why are you apologizing?” Harry asked confusedly .
“I don't know... I just feel like I have to when people already know who I am”, Niall mumbled. There was a long silence until Harry spoke again.
“So, you gonna upload a new video today?” he asked.
“Yeah.. Filmed it yesterday and stayed up almost unitl midnight editing it”, Niall smiled.
“What is it about?” Harry asked.
“You'll see then”, Niall chuckled. He really liked this Harry guy. Not was he only smoking hot, but also funny and nice.
“C'mon mate, tell me.” Niall shook his head and laughed.
The maths lesson went smoothly. Niall could tell that he hated the teacher. She made Niall go in front of the class and tell about himself, none of the other teachers made him do that. He had been red as a tomato when he was stuttering that he was from Ireland and he had been living in London for a while. He also told about his youtube hobby and a few people smiled knowingly, which made Niall actually feel a bit better.
He liked sitting next to Harry during the lesson, he was a funny and nice lad and Niall could easily relax while being with him. Niall thought that he had officially made his first friend while being in London.
After the lesson tough the anxiety started bubbling inside him, it was lunch now and he didn't have the courage to ask Harry if he could sit with him and his friends. Niall had already planned that he was just going to lock himself in the bathroom and wait for the next lesson to start. He would starve but he could eat at home, there was even better food too. His worries were wiped away when Harry turned to look at him when they were packing their things.
“Do you want to come to lunch with us, I mean me and my friends? If you already don't have other plans?” Harry asked with a slight pink color on his cheeks. A small smile crept on Niall's face.
“Sure, I actually don't have any other friends”, Niall said and took his bag. Harry cocked his eyebrow and spoke again.
“I've seen you talking to many people though”, the tall boy said with a chuckle.
“Are you a stalker or what?” Niall giggled. Yes, giggled. He quickly stopped and looked down. His cheeks were flaming hot and he did not want to meet Harry's eyes. That giggle was one of the many features he hated in himself. It sounded way too high pitched and horrible.
“What a cute giggle you have there. And no, I just happened to see you”, Harry said fondly. And he could tell that he was getting really attached to Niall. Not that he haven't before. He loved Niall and his videos, but it wasn't that kinda love that people had when they were together. Niall looked up, cheeks still light pink and he smiled.
“Shall we go then?” he asked, very quietly though.
“Yep”, Harry said popping the 'p'.
When they walked towards the table Niall tried to stop his hands from shaking. Harry's friends at least looked nice and Niall hoped that they'd be.
“Hey, this is Niall”, Harry politely introduced Niall to the boys, who all had a knowing smirk on their faces for a moment.
“Niall, this is Louis, Zayn and Liam”, Harry said and pointed each one of them.
“Hi, nice to meet ya”, Niall smiled and sat down next to Harry. Louis smirked from ear to ear and just started at the two who just arrived. Liam looked at the boy and hit him with his elbow.
“Hey! That hurt”, Louis pouted. Niall chuckled quietly.
“Well sorryyyyy”, Liam rolled his eyes and laughed. Niall's eyes widened and he looked down with a blush when Liam gave a quick kiss to Louis.
“Soo, how do you like your day so far?” Zayn, who was sitting Niall's other side, asked him. Niall was just trying to look at Zayn and ignore the couple that was now fully making out on the other side of the table.
“I like it, yeah it's cool”, Niall answered with a slight smile. Harry coughed loudly and startled Liam and Louis, who both grinned and blushed a bit. Niall turned to look at them and laughed. Maybe this school wasn't bad at all.
–------------------------
After two weeks of going to the new school Niall found himself thinking how he hasn't cut since the night before his first day. He had tweeted and instagrammed a lot of photos of himself with his new best friends, Harry, Louis, Liam and Zayn. He kind of considered them as a best friends because they were the only ones he hung out at school. They had grown really close and they accepted Niall in their little group without complaining. Still many people came and talked to him, but it was just because they were fans and quite over excited. Sure his friends were fans too, but not that kind of fans who were crazy about him in a weird way.
Today was Sunday and he was going to have to film his vlog tomorrow, that was going to be uploaded on tuesday, he was playing around with the camera and thinking about it. He has never done a school vlog, usually it was filmed on the weekend and he always planned to do something he would normally not do. Sometimes he even was in Ireland while filming, but doing a vlog in school was a whole new thing. He knew his watchers would love it, he has seen a lot of comments on his videos how he should film at school and sure it made them see a lot more of his life than just wandering around the city.
He set the camera on his bedside table and threw his hoodie on the floor, once again. He would be lying if he'd say that he wasn't excited to film at school. He was nervous, but for once he didn't wanna throw up or die. He was sure the other boys wouldn't mind being in the video, but he had to ask. With a smile on his face he fell into a peaceful sleep.
In the morning Niall blinked a couple of times until he realized that his phone's alarm clock was still ringing next to him. He groaned and tapped it to shut it up. He noticed the camera on his table and froze. He had to do this, he had no other day to film this vlog anymore. He shrugged in his mind and took his camera turning it on.
“Hey guys, it's like six in the morning and it's mondayyy...”
On his way to the bus stop Niall slipped three times and once almost walked on a lamppost because he was talking to the camera and not paying attention to where he was walking. He put the camera in his bag when he reached the bus stop and took it out at school again. Many people were saying hi to him and making funny faces for the camera when he walked along the corridor to his locker. He stuffed his coat and some books in there before slamming the door shut.
“Now I just have to find my friends,” Niall said to the camera and quickly smiled to it before turning it to the direction he started walking.
“Niall!” someone suddenly screamed and Niall turned around. He filmed as Louis ran to him, Harry following him.
“Hi”, Niall smiled and turned the camera off.
“What are you doing?” Louis asked.
“I'm filming a vlog, going to post it tomorrow. Is it okay for you if I film you too? And upload it on youtube?” Niall asked.
“Of course!” Harry said and put his arm around Niall's shoulders. The blond boy's heart started beating faster and he had a funny feeling in his stomach. This had been happening everyday when he was interacting with Harry and two nights ago he has finally realized that he was having some kind of a crush to Harry. He tried to act normal but usually ended up blushing when Harry talked to him.
“Okayyy”, Niall smiled and turned the camera back on.
“So here are my two friends...” Niall spoke and turned the camera to Louis.
“This is Louis”, Niall said and Louis waved his hand.
“Hi!” he said happily with a grin.
“And this is Harry”, Niall said turning he camera to the curly haired lad.
“Helloo!”
Niall set the camera on the desk and started searching for his biology books. He frowned when he only found his notebook but not the actual book. I must've actually stuffed it in the locker too. He let his backpack fall on the floor and he quickly stood up.
“I'm gonna go get my book from my locker”, he quickly informed Louis, who had the same first class with him as well as Liam who just stepped in the class as Niall rushed past him. Liam looked at Niall with cocked eyebrow before sitting next to his boyfriend.
“Hi”, Louis breathed and kissed Liam deeply.
“Where did he go?” Liam asked after and Louis knew he meant Niall.
“To get his book.” Louis' eyes set on the camera that was still on Niall's desk and he smirked. He took it and turned it on.
“Hello, Niall went to get his biology book so I just thought I'd introduce my sexy boyfriend, friend of Niall's aswell”, Louis winked at the camera. He turned it to Liam who looked confused for a moment.
“Niall's filming a vlog today”, Louis said behind the camera with a chuckle.
“Oh... Oh! I'm Liam”, Liam said after a moment and Louis laughed again. They played with the camera for a while, making faces, filming other students and telling stories about them and so on, until putting it back. Louis didn't want Niall to know he had filmed something before he started editing it.
The whole day Niall went around with his camera and a big smile. Everyone noticed that this might be the happiest Niall they had seen during his time there and it was true. For the first time he wasn't so nervous and he was happy. When they were having lunch Niall suddenly had noticed that he had just filmed only Harry talking and laughing almost five minutes. He had blushed and turned the camera quickly to Liam. And also now Niall had introduced Zayn and also Liam had been introduced again, but of course Niall didn't know that. After school Harry came to Niall's place, even though Niall said that he was gonna edit the video but Harry told he wanted to see what it was like. Niall didn't complain, he liked Harry.
“What is this...” Niall mumbled and clicked on the video that was next.
“What?” Harry asked and turned his gaze on the screen.
“Hello, Niall went to get his biology book...” They watched five minutes of Louis filming the classroom, making faces and once he almost dropped the camera too.
“Gosh, he's an idiot”, Niall laughed after that. He turned to look at Harry who was awfully quiet next to him. Their faces were only inches apart and they just looked at each other.
“You look beautiful when you laugh”, Harry suddenly whispered and looked down on Niall's lips. For a moment Niall actually thought Harry was gonna kiss him, but then his phone started ringing. Of course. Niall sighed and looked at Harry who was trying to find his phone under all the school books. He had been doing his homework while Niall was editing.
“Hi?” Harry answered. Niall continued his editing with his heart bounding in his chest. He had wanted that kiss to happen. But it didn't and now was too late.
“Mum wants me home, I have to go pick up some groceries”, Harry sighed and started packing his stuff.
“Oh, okay...” Niall mumbled and started at Harry. Gosh, that boy is beautiful.
Harry left, and Niall stayed in his room editing and still thinking about the kiss they didn't share. But overall it had been really good day for Niall.
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After that day when they had almost kissed things weren't awkward like you would've thought. Things were normal, which made Niall a bit upset, but what made him feel better was that he and Harry started getting a lot closer together. They had had sleepovers even during the week and almost spent everyday together. Louis almost made cheeky comments about it and Liam always shut him up with a kiss. But if Louis wasn't teasing them then it was Zayn. The raven boy enjoyed a lot when Niall blushed and hid his face behind his hands. Harry would always laugh, with a red face too, and throw his arm around Niall's shoulders.
Christmas came and went quickly. Everyone spent their Christmas with their families and Niall of course in Ireland. He skyped with Harry a lot and with the other boys too. Since he was in Ireland he also felt more horrible. There were a few guys he bumped into who then made rude comments about his videos and how he looked even uglier now. Since he didn't have his friends around he wasn't so confident and more breakable. The number of the red lines on his wrists increased and Niall wasn't proud of himself. He felt worthless and unloved. Also it was soon January and he knew what was coming.
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January 8th. Exactly one year since his dad died. Niall woke up with tired, sore eyes and aching arms. The night before he had been crying more than he had after his dads funeral. He spent hours sitting on his floor the razor blade on his hand. His face was all red and blotchy. He didn't see his mom that day at all, which made him cry harder. He knew it was hard for his mother too, but it would've been easier for both of them if they had been there to comfort each other.
His mom had already left for work and Niall should get up soon. He knew this day was going to be even more harder than the last one. And he was sure tomorrow would not be any better. Today he should go to school and act like he was okay, but he wasn't. Thirty minuted before school starts Niall got up and quickly dressed in black jeans and grey hoodie. He ate a sandwich and left for school. It was just his luck that he missed the bus and had to walk to school. When he finally arrived he was fourty minutes late from his first class. While walking he had had too much time to think and he had re-lived all the happy moments with his father. All the times he took him to derby games, the time when he bought him a guitar for birthday present, that time when they went on a road trip but ended up coming back home after twenty minutes because their car broke, that time when they went to the beach and Niall got two ice-creams instead of one.
He was crying again when he walked in the building and he had to go to the toilet to calm down. He spent twenty minutes in there and after that he looked barely decent. As always his first class was biology with Louis and Liam. He knocked on the door and soon the teacher came to open it. He looked at Niall but didn't say anything, just let him in. Niall felt everyones eyes on him as he sat on his chair and placed his backpack on the floor. The teacher started talking again so everyone turned their attention to him, except Liam and Louis.
“What's wrong?” Louis whispered and Liam turned to look at Niall too. The blond boy looked up to them and after his bottom lip started trembling he answered.
“N-nothing. Don't worry about it”, he said and tried to smile, but it was more like a grimace.
“Niall, we're your friends! Of course we worry about it if you come an hour late to school and look like that”, Louis whisper shouted. Geez, thanks Louis. Didn't know I looked that bad.
“Just... Leave it”, Niall mumbled and didn't pay attention to his two friends anymore.
When the lunch rolled around Niall felt like he could just burst into tears. His second class had been maths with Harry, of course, and the curly haired boy had been more than worried about Niall. Harry had instantly hugged Niall when he sat around and Niall wouldn't admit it, but he had shed a few tears on Harry's shoulder.
Niall sat quietly on the lunch table and just moved his food around the plate with his fork. He looked up when he felt Harry's hand slide around his waist. He gave the taller boy a small smile and looked back down.
He tried to eat but he wasn't hungry. At some point his hands and bottom lip were trembling like crazy and before he even realized the first tears rolled down his cheeks. He left out a heart wrenching sob and dropped his fork on the plate. He buried his face in his hands and sobbed in them. No matter how quietly he tried to do it, he didn't succeed.
“Niall?” Harry gasped and brought his other hand around Niall too and held him tightly. The other three were looking at Niall with shocked expressions. Many people were looking at them with confused expressions but Louis sent them a glare and they quickly turned around.
“Niall?” Harry whispered after the blond boys sobs had quieted a bit.
“I-I'm sorry”, Niall mumbled and tried to dry his face on his sleeve. He was still crying so it didn't really help.
“No need to. But there seems to be something really bothering you, you've been sad all day... What's wrong, babe?” Harry asked and the pet name just slipped out. He was sure Louis would've immediately teased him about it if the situation wasn't so serious.
“Well... You probably won't care, but anyways..” Niall started and sniffled.
“Today is January 8th and it has been exactly one year since...” Niall let out a broken sob and tried to swallow the lump in his throat.
“Since my dad died”, he finished and hid his face with his hands. No one said a word and the boys just gaped at Niall.
“What?” Harry whispered in disbelief. Niall just shook his head and sobbed. Once he let the gates open there was no chance of closing them, there tears were not stopping soon.
People all over the cafeteria were looking at them worriedly as Harry just hugged Niall and let him cry. When the sobs turned to gasps for air Harry looked at Niall and moved so he could see his face.
“Are you okay?” Harry asked softly and Niall shook his head. The three other boys frowned and looked at each other.
“Maybe you should go home? You should've stayed home today anyways”, Louis said.
“Y-yeah, that sounds good”, Niall sniffled and wiped his nose.
“I can take you, I have a car”, Harry said and Niall nodded. The two boys left the room, many other eyes following them. Niall was holding on Harry's hand like his life depended on it. They didn't even stop by their lockers, Louis and Liam could bring their stuff when the school ends.
“I'm gonna make you some tea... Just stay there”, Harry smiled as he walked out of Niall's room. The blond boy was laying in the bed under the cover. Even though Niall many times tried to get Harry to go back to school he wouldn't. The curly haired lad insisted on staying and taking care of Niall. Soon he came back with two mugs.
“Here... Are you alright?” Harry said and sat on the edge of the bed. Niall sipped his tea and nodded.
“Yeah, kinda”, he said and looked at Harry. They drank their teas in silence and Niall thought. Harry made him feel a lot better and more calm. He still wanted to cry and it hurt so bad, but Harry made it better. Niall placed his mug on the table quietly and laid down.
“Cuddle me?” he whispered and looked at Harry. The taller boy nodded with a small smile and put his mug on the table too. He kicked his shoes off and climbed next to Niall.
When Niall after a while fell asleep Harry carefully pulled Niall closer and wrapped his arms around him.
When Niall woke up he first panicked when he felt the arms around him. He opened his eyes and smiled then widely when he noticed Harry sleeping next to him. The curly haired boy's mouth was hanging open and he was looking so peaceful. Niall tried to wiggle out of Harry's arms but the other boy just mumbled something and tightened his grip. Niall sighed and moved closer. He laid his head right next to Harry's and just stared. He didn't know how long he just laid there looking at Harry. Maybe five minutes. Maybe fifteen. Maybe even half an hour. Then Harry groaned and opened his eyes. He looked at Niall and the other boys stared back. There was a moment of silence until Harry suddenly was on top of Niall and pressing their lips together. It took a moment for Niall to realize that Harry was kissing him.
Harry was kissing him.
He kissed back as good as he could until a wide smiled spread on his face. Harry separated from him and just stared.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah”, Niall breathed and brought his hand to move Harry hair back.
“That was... nice”, he smiled and Harry rolled back next to him.
“Sorry, I couldn't wait any longer to do that”, Harry said with a smile and not looking sorry at all.
“Any longer?”
“Yeah, I like you Niall. This might not be the best moment to tell this, but I really like you. First I liked you because of your videos, but then suddenly you were in the same school and I couldn't believe it. We became friends and I started falling for you. You were the same person you are in your videos, but at the same time you are completely different. And I can see that everything is not okay, I don't know what, but you have sometimes this upset face at school when you think no one sees you. Sometimes you just space out and then flinch when someone talks to you. And sometimes you just look completely lost and broken, but I'm sure no one else see that than me. But then sometimes you are like a sunshine. Especially when you're filming the vlogs. Your eyes are sparkling and it seems like nothing is better than just that moment when you have your camera on you hands and talk to it, or film someone else. I just wanna be with you, I want you to be my boyfriend Niall”, Harry finished his little speech.
Niall had tears in his eyes when he listened to the speech. He had never thought that someone would see him. Like really see, not just the surface. He tried everyday to be happy, and sometimes it was so easy he wanted to cry. But there were days when he wanted to cry for a different reason. These months in the new school had been the best time of his life. He had been so happy and had friends. Everything was good, but he still did cut. He couldn't stop it, even though he did not cut so often as he used to. The days when he was unhappy and lost and broken, like Harry had said, were usually the days after he had used the razor. He regretted the cutting every time.
“Niall?” Harry whispered.
“Say something..” he pleaded quietly.
“I- I want to be your boyfriend Harry. I think... I think that you are the most important person in my life right now, and I like you so so much you have no idea”, Niall breathed and squeezed Harry's hand.
“Boyfriends?” Harry whispered and wrapped his other arm around Niall's waist and pulled him on top of him.
“Yeah”, Niall smiled and pressed his lips against Harry's. Niall's phone started suddenly ringing and with a groan he reached for it. Mum.
“Hi mum?”
“Hi honey, I'm gonna be really late at work, so don't wait for me. Are you okay alone?” Niall sighed mentally. Of course his mum would be late at work, so she wouldn't have to be at home and remember dad.
“Yeah, I'm fine. I'm with Harry now...” he said and smiled to the other boy.
“Good, I'll see you tomorrow then!” Maura said.
“Yeah, bye mum.” He sighed again and threw his phone on the mattress next to them. Harry cocked his eyebrow and looked at Niall.
“Mum's gonna be late at work”, Niall whispered and laid his head on Harry's chest.
“Oh...” Harry just mumbled and wrapped his arms around Niall's back and rocked them a bit.
About four o'clock the doorbell rang and confusedly Niall stood up from the bed. Harry walked behind him downstairs and just when he opened the door he realized that it must be the other boys. They had texted their locker codes to them a few hours back so they could bring their stuff.
“Hi”, Niall smiled and Liam pulled him in a tight hug. Zayn and Louis did the same and no one said a word in a while.
“You okay?” Louis finally asked when they moved to the living room.
“Yeah, I think”, Niall said.
–------------------------
The next day was a bit better. Harry had stayed over the night and Niall had cried on his shirt a lot before falling asleep. Niall woke up with sore eyes when their alarm clocks started to ring. He rubbed his eyes as Harry shut off the phones.
“Morning”, Harry said and Niall might have just died at that moment. That morning voice.
“Hi”, Niall smiled and pressed a small kiss on Harry's lips.
“You can handle school?” Harry asked and sat up.
“Yeah, not gonna have a breakdown like yesterday... I'm sorry”, Niall whispered and tears blurred his vision.
“Hey, it's okay. I might not totally understand how it feels, but I'm here for you.” Harry hugged Niall tightly and kissed his hair. They got up and Harry went to take a shower while Niall went to make some breakfast for them.
“Oh, we're fucked”, Niall suddenly stated in the car.
“What? Why?” Harry asked and glanced at Niall before looking back on the road.
“We haven't done our homework”, Niall said and Harry let out a laugh.
“That doesn't matter. We'll be fine”, Harry laughed and parked the car. Niall placed one quick kiss on Harry's lips before jumping out of the car.
“What do you have first?” Harry asked as they walked towards the school building. Not holding hands but walking so closely that their arms touched.
“Biology, as always you idiot”, Niall laughed.
“Oh yeah”, Harry rolled his eyes. The closer they were the building the more people there were and the more whispers he could hear. It wasn't until the door when someone came to them.
“Niall?” the small girl asked.
“Yeah?” Niall stopped and Harry took one step before he stopped too. Many other people took steps closer to them, just to hear the conversation.
“Are you okay?” she asked and Niall nodded.
“Yes I am, yesterday was just a bad day. Just.. Forget it”, Niall said and tried to smile.
“But.. What happened?”
“Nothing important.”
“There must've been something to make you cry like that”, she stated and Niall was getting a bit annoyed. It was none of this girl's business what made him cry and she should fuck off now.
“Oh Niall, we have to go! Come!” Harry suddenly said and took Niall's hand, starting to pull him in the school.
“Thank you”, Niall breathed as they finally stopped.
The day didn't go so smoothly as Niall had planned. He had a lot of people coming to him and asking about yesterday and every time he wanted to cry again. These people didn't have to know what happened, they should be happy to know that he was alright and not ask more.
Niall dragged himself in the cafeteria behind Harry and slumped on the chair.
“Do ya wanna hang out today?” Louis asked.
“Nah, can't. I need to film a video and edit it”, Niall replied and stuffed some of his food in his mouth.
“Can we come and see?” Zayn asked and Niall shook his head.
“Aw, can I come”, Harry asked and leaned closer. Niall turned his head to look at Harry so their noses were almost touching.
“Nope, not this time”, he grinned.
“Whyy? What are you gonna do?” Harry asked.
“You'll see it tomorrow”, Niall smiled before turning away. Louis raised his eyebrows at the two before starting to eat. The rest of the lunch was spent with nice chatting and a few people coming to talk to Niall. Niall didn't have any of the boys with him on his next class, which was spanish.
“I'll see you on History”, Harry smiled and pulled Niall closer by his waist and pressed a soft kiss on his lips.
“Yeah”, Niall smiled too and started walking to the other way. He could feel the eyes on him and there was no way he was missing the loud playful:
“HARRYYY!” Which was yelled by Louis.
So their last class was History. The only class where they all five were in.
People really seemed to be touched by Harry's and Niall's kiss after lunch so many people came to ask Niall if he and Harry were together. Of course he said yes. When he once checked his twitter it was going crazy, his fans had been informed that he had kissed another boy. There was even a picture, which actually wasn't taken of Harry and Niall. It had been a picture of two girls and the two boys ended up in the background kissing. Niall dragged himself in the History class, where the others already were sitting. He slumped on the seat next to Harry and rested his head on his shoulder.
“What's up?” Harry asked and placed his arms on Niall's shoulders.
“Ugh, just people coming and asking about us”, Niall mumbled and looked up to Harry. Someone made a gagging noise and Niall looked towards the sound. It was Louis.
“Even like that you two look too cute”, he said and grinned.
“So, are you two together?” Zayn asked and leaned closer. They were seated in front of them, all three of them. When Harry and Niall had insisted in sitting next to each other, or more like Harry had forced Niall to sit next to him, Liam, Zayn and Louis had decided to sit all three in front of them and the teacher had nothing to say to that.
“Yepp”, Harry smiled and squeezed Niall's shoulder a bit.
–------------------------
Niall was walking across the parking lot his camera in his hand. It was Monday again and he was filming a vlog. He noticed Harry and the other boys and waved at them happily. He started walking towards them and talking to the camera, he didn't notice that car coming from his left.
“Niall!” came a loud scream before he heard loud screeching and something bumping on him. Next thing he realized was that he was laying on the ground. His head was throbbing badly but nothing seemed to be broken. He heard a lot of screaming and shouting but didn't understand them.
“Are you okay?” someone was asking right next to his ear. Then he realized to look around and noticed that his camera wasn't in his hand anymore. He was so shocked and disoriented that the first thing that he asked was:
“Where's my camera?” someone laughed and squeezed his hand.
“It's okay, Liam's got it. Does anything hurt?” At that point he realized that it was Harry who was talking to him and that there was a quite a crowd around him.
“We called an ambulance!” someone shouted and then teachers and principal were coming through to Niall.
“Stay still”, someone ordered and he just laid there not realizing what was happening. His head was starting to hurt more and he closed his eyes. He kind of felt like throwing up too, but that didn't happen gladly.
“Hey, babe. Stay awake, we don't know how badly you hit yourself”, Harry said and tapped Niall's cheek.
When he heard the sirens he started to realize that the ambulance was coming to get him. That he was going to the hospital. That they were going to examine him and that they were going to find his cuts. He bolted up and almost hit his head to Harry's.
“I'm fine! I'm so fine, don't take me to the hospital!” he panicked and looked around.
“It's okay..” Harry said and someone was petting his hair. It was Zayn. The other people had been ordered to go inside and to their classes. Michael, the car driver, had kept apologizing and almost crying until he was ordered in as well. The only people there were his friends, the principal and the school nurse.
In a moment he was throwing up and someone yelped. He felt a pain wash through his head and everything went black.
When he woke up the next time there was an annoying peeping present. He groaned and opened his eye a bit. Someone moved in the corner of his eye and he turned his head a bit.
“Niall?” someone said softly, it was his mum.
“Hi mam”, he smiled.
“What happened?” he asked and frowned.
“Some boy hit you with a car in the parking lot, you have a concussion..” Maura said and looked sad, way too sad if he only had a concussion. His gaze went down to his exposed arms and he swallowed.
“I'm sorry?” he said and his voice cracked.
“You should've told me. No. I should've noticed it, I'm your mother. I never thought it was this bad”, Maura sniffled and squeezed Niall's hand tightly.
“It isn't your fault mum”, Niall said.
“And I think I've gotten a bit better, I haven't.. you know.. done it so often anymore. Since I moved schools”, Niall continued and tried to smile.
“I believe you. But honey, you know that we can't just ignore this.. You'll have to see people”, she said quietly and looked at him with sad eyes.
“I know...” Niall whispered and closed his eyes. He didn't want it. He didn't want some stupid therapist asking why was he doing it. What made him do it? How often? With what? It isn't no one else's business than his own.
After a while Harry walked in with two coffee cups and handed the other one to Maura. Niall didn't open his eyes but he knew that Harry knew that he was awake. No one said anything in a long while and soon Niall fell asleep again.
He was being held in the hospital for a week. One night was because of the concussion and the rest were because of his self-harming. He barely talked to anyone, the boys came to see him everyday and his mum nearly lived in the hospital with him. He was signed to see a therapist two times a week. The therapist was a nice young man, not much over twenty years old. He wasn't like Niall would've thought therapists were, but he was still really uncomfortable while seeing him. When he got back to school he got asked many questions. The most common ones were: Where have you been? What happened? Why haven't you posted any videos? He never replied.
His friends were awesome, they didn't look at him with pity. No, they acted like nothing had happened but Niall still could feel that they were there for him. He knew he could talk to them about everything, but he didn't.
He never told anyone his reasons not even Adam, the therapist.
He was diagnosed with clinical depression, but fortunately it wasn't really bad. He still got one of those ugly orange pill bottles. Antidepressant it said. Once he wondered how ironic it would be if he committed suicide with those pills. After that thought he bursted into tears and Harry snapped to look at him and pulled him into a hug. Then Niall shakily told what he just thought and how it had scared him.
A month after the incident they finally talked. Niall, Harry, Liam, Louis and Zayn were all sitting in Niall's room. Louis was on his computer, scrolling through all the video material he had on his computer. Niall and Harry were sitting on the bed while Liam and Zayn were playing Fifa. Harry noticed how intensely Niall was staring at the orange bottle.
“You're still doing it”, Harry suddenly said and Niall flinched. He looked at Harry and noticed how Louis quietly turned to look at them.
“What?” Niall whispered like he didn't know what Harry meant.
“You know what.. You're still doing it?” Harry asked. Niall looked down to his arms and fiddled with his sleeves. Liam and Zayn paused the game. Niall slowly pulled up his sleeves and clenched his fists. There were about ten new cuts in each arm. They were all angry red, almost making the white scars invisible. No one said anything until Harry spoke again.
“Adam knows?” Niall nodded. The man examined his arms every time they saw each other, the two last times Adam had been met with new cuts. Then Niall had had to tell about his week and what made him do this.
“Why?” Liam whispered and Niall looked at the boy. Niall sighed. He had to tell someone, and Adam had encouraged him to tell his friends. It can help you. And you know you want to get better.
“It.. It helps me to keep control, not to lose my mind. It started a bit over year ago..” Niall whispered. And then Niall spilled the whole truth. About Ireland, the bullying, the other school and his new life in the new school. He was crying at the end and the others were almost too. Harry was hugging Niall tightly and whispering things to him.
“You will never be treated like that again. I love you”, Harry whispered to him and Niall leaned more to him. Liam, Louis and Zayn climbed next to them and hugged the couple too.
After that he told the story to Adam too. And he also told that he had told it to his friends and it really did help him. It wasn't like some magical healing, but it was something.
–------------------------
Four weeks after that it was all perfect. He started getting better and didn't feel the itch so often anymore. He could also ignore it most of the times. But you know, bad weeks came too. He relapsed. It was normal, Adam had told it to him.
He just had missed the feeling which he didn't remember so well anymore, he had never been this long without cutting. The longest before this was two weeks and three days.
That day in school was horrible. He had never regretted the lines so much before and now he felt like everyone knew what he had done. He felt anxious and paranoid. He didn't realize that he kept glancing down to his arms and that he kept pulling his sleeves. But Harry noticed.
After their maths class, before the lunch, Harry pulled Niall in a bathroom.
“What?” Niall asked as Harry turned to look at him. The other boy didn't answer, just pulled Niall in a hug and rubbed his back.
“Are you okay?” Harry asked then.
“Yeah... I regret it so much”, Niall whispered and buried his face on Harry's neck.
“It's gonna be okay, you're gonna be okay. I know it, you're strong Niall”, Harry said to him and pressed a kiss on his cheek.
“I'm sorry”, the blond boy mumbled. Harry just shook his head and pressed his lips against Niall's.
“Let's go to lunch and see the other's, you'll get your minds out of things”, Harry smiled.
Liam, Louis and Zayn were looking at them when they walked towards the table. Louis raised his eyebrows and looked at Niall then, he noticed how the Irish lad still kept pulling the sleeves. He frowned and nudged Liam and Zayn. They all were aware of the situation, at least kind of, when the couple sat on the table. They did not mention it at all and the lunch just went with normal chatting.
After school Harry drove Niall to Adam's office and promised to pick him up in an hour.
Niall thought the meeting went quite good, he showed the cuts to Adam without him having to examine his arms. As always, he told about his week and what was going on in his mind. Adam told Niall that maybe starting a new hobby, beside making youtube videos, would help too, relieve some stress and he'd actually have something to do. Niall took a note on that and he already had something in mind, something he had been quite scared to even consider. Football.
After the meeting he told Harry about his thoughts and he was very supporting. Louis was already in the football team so he thought it wouldn't be that bad.
He was going to join the team.
–------------------------
March 14th he uploaded a video, My Near Death Experience.
“You remember the time when I tweeted that I didn't have a vlog to post? Yeah, it happened that morning! I was just casually walking and talking to my camera in the parking lot, and then BAM the car just came out of nowhere!” then he showed a clip of the video, his camera gladly was okay after the hit.
He told the story till he woke up in the hospital and got back home, leaving the self-harm parts out. Maybe one day he's bee brave enough to tell about his problems to the world.
“And next week I have something special coming! I'm gonna make a video with someone special! You'll see it then. Byee, I'll see ya soon!” the video finished.
Next week he was going to do The Boyfriend Tag with Harry. Sure they hadn't been together longer than two months, but the whole tag was kind of ridiculous. He was so excited to finally get Harry to one of his videos, other than vlogs.
Nowadays one of Niall's favorite things to do was read the comments. People noticed how much happier he was now and it didn't look fake happiness anymore. It made Niall think that he had really been a bad actor, but it didn't matter anymore.
He hadn't cut in three weeks now and he didn't get the urge to cute so often anymore. And also, he had gotten to the football team! Louis had been so excited to hear that he was gonna try and get it, and they both were enthusiastic when he got in. The hobby took a lot of his time, but he made time for himself to make the youtube videos. It was still the more important hobby for him and football really was just a side one. Sure he loved it, but he didn't dream about being a famous footballer.
His life started to get on track, he spent a lot of time with his friends, he made youtube videos, played football and still he managed to get good grades. Well, most of the time. One of the worst subjects for him was maths, he almost failed it.
He uploaded the boyfriends tag and the week after that one he made a Q&A video with all the boys. It made his fans go insane and they demanded for more. He laughed at the comments and tweeted a promise the do another video with his friends. Sure a month after he made another Q&A, they hadn't come up anything better and question videos were always interesting.
There were a few relapses that year, but he fought through them. Also that summer was the first time ever when he flew to USA to VidCon and he attended to Summer In The City as well.
May 5th 2015 he uploaded a video with the title My Story. It was uploaded exactly a year after he had last time brought the blade on his wrists. He discussed self-harm and depression in it. He told about his life, also about his dad's death. It was the hardest video he had ever filmed, and that was why all the boy were with him. They weren't on the video, but they were watching and supporting him as he filmed.
The comments on the video made him cry. They were such a supporting comments and many people congratulated him for being a year without cutting.
It made him feel like he had really achieved something huge.