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When Jaehyun and Taeyong first met it was a series of awkward greetings and shy smiles. The both of them were introduced by their common friend, Doyoung. He was what you called, nosy but in a good way. He had practically been begging Taeyong to go with him to the café, and Taeyong just gave him a suspicious look. He was sure that Doyoung had something up his sleeves, but he just doesn’t know what it was.
“Hyung, come on! Go with me to the café; it’s just a 10-minute walk from your apartment!” A whine escapes Doyoung’s mouth, and Taeyong can’t help but sigh. “Fine! But if you’re up to something weird, I’m leaving you.” Doyoung flashes him his signature bunny smile, and Taeyong can’t help but roll his eyes, smiling right after.
Oh, Doyoung.
-
Jaehyun likes to call Taeyong his little star. Taeyong, even though older by two years, is visibly smaller than him. Fragile shoulders, thin arms, curves carved at the right places; it was as if Taeyong was made for him to hold. He always liked to cuddle with Taeyong, the other always providing him warmth and comfort.
The both of them, after that eventful meeting with Doyoung, decided to meet again.
Once became twice.
And twice became more frequent.
Meetings turned into sleepovers, innocent touching turned into needy ones, smiles turned into something with meaning, simple hugs turned into cuddles, and goodbyes turned into soft whispers of “you can stay the night.” It was safe to say that the both of them were crossing the same line. No one was ahead. They were together in everything they did.
Jaehyun asks Taeyong out two months later. He couldn’t wait any longer, he was far too caught up on his feelings for the latter, and thankfully Taeyong felt the same.
“Taeyong hyung, do you wanna date me?” It was a cold October night, and the both of them were cuddled up in Taeyong’s old red blanket, his favorite among all of the sheets he owned. Jaehyun made sure to take note of the small things. They were watching some old sappy romantic movie Taeyong had wanted to see for quite some time, and Jaehyun also made sure to take a mental note never to make Taeyong watch romantic movies again because it made him too emotional and touchy.
But Jaehyun still likes him the same.
Jaehyun was met with silence. He wondered if he was too forward, or was he too fast? Maybe Taeyong wasn’t prepared yet. He cursed silently, ready to take it back when he hears a sniffling. A soft sniffling which seemed to come from the man cuddled beside him. “Taeyong hyung? Are you crying?” He whispers, he doesn’t even know why he’s whispering. Taeyong doesn’t answer him. “I’m sorry. Did I surprise you with that question? If you want let’s just forge—“ He was cut off by a tender peck on his lips. “You’re so stupid—“ Taeyong continues to sniffle “of course I want us to date.”
That night ended beautifully.
-
Six months of dating and Taeyong invites Jaehyun to move in with him.
Moving in with Taeyong means falling into the habit of having someone beside him every night, waking up to a delicious breakfast, getting gentle kisses in the morning, having to learn how to fold his clothes, spending cold nights together, kissing for no reason.
It’s falling into the habit of loving Taeyong more and more each day.
He was taken aback by Taeyong. He was quite surprised too because he had been planning to ask the latter to move in with him too. He guesses he’ll let Taeyong win this one.
“Jaehyunie. Don’t be surprised.” Jaehyun hums distractedly as he scrolls through his phone, comfortably snuggled in Taeyong’s bed. He has been in there for the last 3 hours, doing nothing while Taeyong cleans the room. It felt oddly domestic and warm; it made him happy.
He was too preoccupied with his phone that he hadn’t noticed that Taeyong had already stopped cleaning and had opted to settle beside him, pushing him gently so they could both fit in the bed. “Do you want to move in with me? Here?” Taeyong says in a small voice.
Jaehyun knows he heard it right, but he wants to hear it again. “Huh?” He turns his body, his free arm rubbing his eyes tiredly. “I said will you m-move in with me? It’s fine if you don’t want to, I mean I think it’s just more convenient if you move in with me.” Jaehyun chuckles and Taeyong throws him a scandalized look, and he immediately composes himself. “Are you seriously laughing right now?” The latter throws a playful punch on his arms, and he pretends it hurts before wrapping him in his arms. “Of course I’ll move in with you. Because it’s more convenient and not because I get to hug you 24/7 or wake up to your gentle kisses every morning. Definitely not that.” Jaehyun says playfully.
He loves Taeyong so so much.
But moving in with Taeyong also meant fights, playful fights over who would do the dishes, or how Jaehyun wouldn’t separate the laundry, or how he can’t put his socks in the right drawer, it was silly and domestic. Jaehyun won’t trade it for anything in the world.
“Jaehyunie, baby.” Taeyong throws a clean sock on Jaehyun, hitting him precisely on the nose. He groans and gives Taeyong a glare with the intent of scaring the other, but he’s only met with a soft laugh and a shake of a head.
“You know that won’t work on me. Please put your socks in the right drawer, baby.”
“I will.”
“Now.”
“Fine, mister clean freak.”
Another sock hits his face, but it was shortly followed by a soft kiss and a threat that the next time he doesn’t separate his socks, he won’t get any kisses anymore.
Jaehyun thinks he can never be more in love with someone as much as he does with Taeyong.
-
Two years into their relationship Jaehyun asks Taeyong to marry him.
It was nothing fancy, no expensive rings, no big parties. It was just him and Taeyong while eating dinner, he decided it was time to drop the question.
Two years isn’t long, but it’s definitely not short enough for him to know that he wants to spend the rest of his life with the man in front of him.
The man who wakes up every morning to make him breakfast, the man who always puts his tired heart into ease, the man who kisses the weariness of the day away, the man who laughs at every single lame joke he breaks, the man he would cross oceans for.
His little star, Lee Taeyong.
Taeyong immediately gives him an answer in the form of a kiss, and choked sobs. He knows Taeyong has been waiting for this moment. He did too, longer than he could ever recall. And it was in that moment that he felt sure about everything for the first time in his life. Everything suddenly fell into place. The feeling left him sure about what was to come. He felt warm and excited about what the future holds for the both of them, and he was more than sure that he’ll be with Taeyong through it all.
“Hyung one day, I’ll buy you a big fancy ring. One you can wear proudly.” Jaehyun smiles as he slips in a silver band on Taeyong’s slim fingers.
“I don’t need anything fancy, Jaehyun. You know that. You’re more than enough.”
Jaehyun really, really, loves Taeyong so much.
-
“Baby? Are you awake?” Taeyong gently cards his fingers through Jaehyun’s hair. He went home late again last night; it’s been like this for weeks now. Lately, Jaehyun seems to be busy with work, coming home late and passing out in their bed shortly after. And just like any dutiful husband, Taeyong understands. He always does.
“Mmh? Good morning, baby.” Jaehyun smiles gently, cupping Taeyong’s cheeks and pressing a loving kiss on his lips. “I passed out again, didn’t I?” He throws Taeyong a small pout and the latter can’t help but press another kiss on it. “Yes, you did. But it’s alright, I understand.”
Taeyong always does.
The first few months of being married were no different from when they first moved in together, only this time they’re tied by something stronger. It holds something more special than anything. It meant a lot to the both of them.
And as if luck was on their side, Jaehyun immediately found a job right after they got married, it was in some fancy office, and Jaehyun was accepted because of his excellent credentials. Taeyong meanwhile worked in a small and cozy daycare center; it’s always been his dream to work in an environment like that as far as Jaehyun could recall. Taeyong always had his heart close to kids, and Jaehyun just finds that endearing.
It was almost closing time for the daycare center, toys were scattered everywhere, but Taeyong cleans the place with a fond look on his face.
“Taeyong hyung!” A gentle tug on his sweaters and Taeyong looks down to see his favorite kid, Hyunwoo with a frown on his face, tears threatening to spill any moment now. But Taeyong knows the right thing to do, he picks him up, holding him gently in the confines of his arms.
“What’s the matter? Why haven’t you left yet? I thought your mom picked you up already.”
“I’ve been waiting outside for a long time already!” Hyungwoo’s lips trembles and Taeyong was quick to stop him from crying, he coos at him and distracts him by taking a candy out of his pocket. He always had extras for some reason.
“Here. I’ll give you this, but promise you won’t cry nor tell the other kids tomorrow! You’re kind of hyung’s favorite among them all. Now, I’ll keep you company while waiting for your mom. I’m guessing she’s just stuck in traffic.” He smiles as he sits on the chair, still carrying Hyunwoo, as he settles him on his lap comfortably.
“Really? Thank you hyung. You’re the best!” Hyunwoo leans in to give him a sloppy kiss on the cheeks and Taeyong laughs at how adorable the action was.
He hadn’t noticed that Jaehyun had already arrived from his work to pick him up so they can both go home together. Jaehyun had seen the whole exchange between the two, and he can’t help but smile, his heart feeling warmer than ever.
This is the guy he’s in love with; the guy who cares a little bit too much about almost everything, the guy who carries extra candies just in case of whatever was to happen, the guy too patient, too kind and too lovely. This was his guy.
He clears his throat gently, startling the two, and he stops himself from laughing.
“Hey, how dare you steal a kiss from my husband,” Jaehyun says as he walks closer to the both of them, a playful tone in his voice.
“Huh? Who are you, mister!” A pair of arms is spread protectively in front of Taeyong, and he laughs because wow, not only the kid is cute but also Taeyong who looks like he’s having the time of his life watching the exchange unfold.
“I’m his husband. Jaehyun.”
“Really?”
“Really.” Hyunwoo gives him a suspicious look before lowering his arms, tugging again on Taeyong’s sweater as if asking for some kind of confirmation and Taeyong only nods, beckoning for Jaehyun to come closer.
“Hi, mister. I’m Hyunwoo. I’m six years old! And I’m Taeyong hyung’s favorite.” He gives Jaehyun a cheeky smile and Jaehyun crouches right in front of him, a domestic feeling wandering around the air. Jaehyun feels a surge of affection for the kid. Something he can’t quite pinpoint yet.
“Aw, I thought I was Taeyong hyung’s favorite. Guess you own that spot now.”
Later that night, when they’re all cuddled in the comforts of their home and each other’s arms, Taeyong whispers to Jaehyun.
“You’ll always be my favorite.”
-
It’s been a good one year of being married, and a good three years of being together. Nothing has changed much.
“Jae, baby? Do you want to drop by the daycare tomorrow? Hyunwoo has been looking for you lately.” Taeyong muses as he folds their clothes into the drawer. After that eventful day of Jaehyun and Hyunwoo meeting, Jaehyun seemed to like visiting the daycare with Taeyong. Tagging with him and playing with the kids for 10 minutes before he goes and leaves for work. It made Taeyong feel warm, plus, the kids liked him too.
“Ah, I’m sorry. I’m quite busy tomorrow. Maybe next time.” He is answered by an absent-minded Jaehyun, and Taeyong feels quite apologetic, he shouldn’t have asked, he knows Jaehyun is busy.
Well, maybe except one thing changed.
Jaehyun got busier.
Taeyong understood the weight of Jaehyun’s work. Earlier this year, Jaehyun got promoted to a much higher rank which meant that he would be busier than ever. It meant less time with Taeyong and more time reserved for work. He had to work twice as harder now that he’s in a higher position. He had some type of reputation to keep now, and Taeyong understands.
He crawls into the bed and snuggles closer to Jaehyun, pressing a gentle kiss on his cheeks only to find the other already asleep. Taeyong smiles fondly at the sleeping figure.
“I love you. Please don’t work too hard.”
He falls asleep, devoid of the warm arms that used to hold him every single night before they slip into a deep sleep.
But it’s okay.
Taeyong understands.
-
“Hyunie! How was work today?” Taeyong greets Jaehyun immediately with a tight hug and a peck on the cheek as soon as he enters.
“The usual.” He answers in a tired manner and Taeyong notices.
Of course, he does, it’s been like this for weeks now. It would be a lie to say that he wasn’t the least bothered by it. But he doesn’t want to impose anything. Jaehyun is tired from work; he just needs rest. He at least tries to convince himself. Jaehyun would never do anything to hurt him. He would be crazy to even think about it.
Jaehyun, the gentlest and the kindest person he knows would never do that. He would never do anything Taeyong fears.
So Taeyong only nods in silent understanding, “Go eat. I made your favorite.”
“I’m too tired, baby. Maybe tomorrow. I’m sorry.” Jaehyun offers him an apologetic smile, and Taeyong nods again, afraid that if he opens his mouth, he might just say things he does not mean. He waits for Jaehyun to hug him, but it doesn’t come. He just turns around and heads to the bathroom.
Maybe he’s too tired.
Taeyong doesn’t mention that he waited for Jaehyun to pick him up after work.
It hurts, but he understands.
-
When Taeyong invites Jaehyun to an event in the daycare center, Jaehyun is quick to accept it. Taeyong happily throws his arms around Jaehyun, showering him with kisses and whispers of ‘you’re the best, baby!’ Taeyong thinks that they’re finally patching things up silently, giving in to what the other wants and vice versa. This is how a relationship works, he thinks. Trust is important, and that’s what exactly what Taeyong is giving to Jaehyun.
But of course, he doesn’t miss the uncomfortable flicker in Jaehyun’s eyes for a split second.
He thinks he only imagines it, so he convinces himself again.
They arrive at the venue an hour before the actual event, but guests were already filling up the place and Taeyong rushes to help the others in preparing. He gently pushes Jaehyun to the side and tells him to talk and entertain the parents or something similar.
“Hyunie, I’ll go help them first! Maybe you can talk to the parents?” Taeyong sends him a playful wink before running off to some corner before he could even answer.
Jaehyun walks over to the parents, and before he knows it, he’s already surrounded by most of the moms of the kids, fawning over him.
“Oh! You must be here for the event! You’re the dad of…?” The short chubby woman in front of him speaks, and extends her hand to Jaehyun, offering him a handshake. But before he can answer another woman interrupts and tells him that it’s nice seeing a dad attend this kind of event, ranting about how her husband is too lazy to go to events like this.
“Ladies! Calm down.” Jaehyun hears a familiar voice, and he turns around to see Hyunwoo’s mom. They kind of have been familiar already because, during the times when Jaehyun would visit the daycare, Hyunwoo’s mom was always running late to pick him up. Plus, she knows about his relationship with Taeyong, so she’s not a stranger to him.
“Ah, hello, Mrs. Kang. It’s been a long time since we last saw each other.” He bows respectfully, and Hyunwoo’s mom does the same. “You don’t visit the daycare anymore! Hyunwoo has been complaining a lot to Taeyong and me.” She chuckles gently, shaking her head. Someone clears her throat, and the both of them remembers that they have quite a small audience demanding for an answer.
“Oh! Sorry, let me introduce him, he’s Jaehyun, Taeyong’s husband.” She pats Jaehyun’s shoulders, and there were gentle murmurs, around them. Jaehyun doesn’t know if she’s thankful to Hyunwoo’s mom or not, she just outed him in front of them all. But that’s not supposed to be a bad thing right?
“Taeyong? The Lee Taeyong over there?” Jaehyun nods and smiles politely at the short chubby woman he couldn’t care less to remember the name of.
“Yes, I’m Taeyong’s husband.”
“You shouldn’t be wasting such good genes! You should be out there producing mini Jaehyun’s!” The short chubby woman answers back, shaking her head. Probably a lame attempt at making everyone laugh, but she’s only met with an awkward silence.
“Ah, I guess so.” Jaehyun nods, smiling at the woman. At this point he’s had enough of this conversation, he’s heard it a couple of times; from his friend, coworkers, even his family. He doesn’t care if he appears rude. He doesn’t give a damn about it anymore. He’s not taking any of that shit anymore. So he turns around only to see Taeyong blinking at them, but he swiftly turns around again, and Jaehyun doesn’t know if he heard them or not. He catches up to Taeyong and pulls him gently by the elbows.
“Baby? Are you okay?”
“Huh? Of course! Why wouldn’t I be?” Taeyong looks at him with a questioning look on his face and Jaehyun breathes a sigh of relief.
Taeyong didn’t hear anything, or maybe he did, but he pretends not to, especially not when he saw Jaehyun nod along with the suggestion, a yearning smile on his face.
This time around Taeyong doesn’t understand. But he pretends he does.
-
Trouble stirs when Taeyong takes Jaehyun’s clothes from the laundry basket.
It was a Wednesday, and it’s his day off, Jaehyun, as usual, rushed to go to work, and Taeyong only clicks his tongue, muttering about how he’s overworking himself. But he gives Jaehyun a sweet kiss before he leaves.
So now he’s alone in the house, and he doesn’t really like being alone and doing nothing. So he does what he’s best at; cleaning every single nook and cranny in the house. First, he washes the dishes left by Jaehyun, carefully setting aside Jaehyun’s favorite pink mug. Second, he vacuums the whole place, it’s not dirty, but it irks him knowing that there may be spaces left uncleaned. Third, he organizes their closets; he laughs fondly when he sees that Jaehyun put his socks in the right drawer now. Years ago they would’ve argued over this, but Jaehyun picked up most of Taeyong’s habits by now. Lastly, he does the laundry. He hates leaving the laundry basket full. It bothers him a lot, especially when all the laundries are mixed up.
He puffs his cheeks as he goes through the laundry, separating Jaehyun’s pajamas and his office attires. He picks up a white dress shirt and shakes his head gently, it’s wrinkled, so in a lame attempt to revive its crispness, he flattens his palms over it.
That’s when he sees the faint red lipstick on the collar. He blinks, and brings it closer; half-hoping that it wasn’t what he was thinking off and half-hoping that he was wrong. He wasn’t. He was perfectly right. He traces over the red lipstick, and he wills himself not to cry. But that was impossible when his hands are shaking, and he is already choking a small sob, a silent one, it hurt a lot. He feels doubt creep in like an old friend. He tries to shake the thought away, but it doesn’t leave.
He can’t help it as he brings the dress shirt closer to his nose, smelling it and that’s when he knows that he can’t deny the soft smell of roses lingering in it.
Jaehyun smells like vanilla.
Maybe he was mistaken, he hopes he so.
Taeyong tries to stand up, bringing the laundry with him but his legs betray him. His knees wobble, and he drops the basket, the clothes scattering.
He tries to stand up again, Taeyong you’re just overthinking, but this time he only grabs the dress shirt, maybe it was an accident, he goes straight to the laundry room, dropping the single piece of clothing in the washing machine, maybe a girl just got pushed to him in the subway, he pours enough detergent and sets it.
Maybe.
He slides down, sitting on his legs, spaced out, the sound of the washing machine whirring in the background, and the sound of trust slipping away from him.
Taeyong loves Jaehyun in words that can’t be explained.
When he first met him, he was dumbstruck over how amazing the man looks, and of course, he immediately got charmed by him. He was pretty sure by then that if Jaehyun didn’t do any move, then he would. But thankfully Jaehyun asked him out first. To say that Taeyong was overjoyed is an understatement. He thanks the stars every night for Jaehyun; he thanks the stars for his sweet dimpled boy with the sweetest voice, his cuddly baby, the love of his life, his best friend, his lover. And every day when he wakes up and sees the gentle glow of the morning dancing on Jaehyun’s skin, he can’t help but think about how much more in love he can get.
He loves Jaehyun similar enough to the moon in the sky that provides light during the darkest nights. Jaehyun is his moon. Gentle, kind and lovely, and that’s how he’s sure that everything was just a simple misunderstanding because his gentle, kind and lovely Jaehyun will never do that.
That night, when Jaehyun enters their apartment, he is met with a soft pair of arms hugging him tightly. Jaehyun smiles and ruffles Taeyong’s hair gently, a kiss pressed on the crown of his head.
“Missed me that much, baby?”
“I always do.”
“So, what did you today while I was away?” Jaehyun hums, removing his work jacket and loosening his tie as he walks towards the bedroom.
“I cleaned the house. Same old.” Taeyong smiles and picks up Jaehyun’s work jacket, telling him to fold it properly. The night goes along like their safe routine each evening. Quarreling about how Jaehyun won’t fold his clothes, talking about their day, and falling asleep.
Only this time Taeyong doesn’t mention the dress shirt, nor does he mention that Jaehyun smelled like soft roses again.
He once again pretends everything is alright. He can do that.
-
Weeks passed by since that incident, and Taeyong forgets, but it’s always sitting there in the back of his mind. Haunting him when he’s alone or when he sees a boy and girl together, it makes him feel lonely and scared.
Trouble picks up on his pace again when one-night Jaehyun calls him to pick him up from a bar, drunk. Taeyong is startled because Jaehyun rarely gets drunk and when he does he’s always drunk off his ass. Jaehyun has never done this before, so he’s worried, and before he knows it, he’s rushing to the bar that Jaehyun had mentioned. He even forgets to put on his coat and scarf, and it was a cold night. But that doesn’t matter, because when he sees Jaehyun accompanied by a girl he comes rushing immediately, and no amount of coldness would rival the emotions he was feeling.
“Jaehyun? Jaehyun, baby?” Taeyong holds Jaehyun’s shoulders firmly; he notices that he wasn’t wearing his work jacket either and his eyes flit to the girl holding it.
“Ah, hello, you must be Taeyong. I’m Sohee, his workmate.” The girl bows and Taeyong mirrors her action; he extends his hand and Sohee gives him a handshake.
“No, I meant his jacket.” He’s going to appear rude, but he’s too confused and angry to care.
“Oh! Sorry. Here.” Sohee hands him the jacket and he thanks her, bidding her goodbye immediately, as he drags a tired and drunk Jaehyun home.
That night Taeyong doesn’t sleep a single wink. He thinks of when he saw Sohee and the closer he got to her, the stronger the smell of the soft roses got. The same smell that has been lingering over Jaehyun and his clothes for weeks now.
And suddenly it’s like putting a missing puzzle piece together.
He’s tired, but he loves Jaehyun too much.
-
“Hyung? Is there something wrong?” A big and gentle hand cups Taeyong’s cheeks and he’s snapped out of whatever he was thinking of. It was one of those rare nights when both Taeyong and Jaehyun got off work early. So they spend it just like how they did during the old times, on the couch, snuggled under the blanket together. But somehow this time it doesn’t feel too warm.
“Huh? Oh, nothing.”
“You seem to be distracted.”
Taeyong shakes his head, and he turns his head, now facing Jaehyun. He inches closer to his face, his lips ghosting over Jaehyun’s.
“It’s been so long since you touched me. I miss you so much, Jaehyunie.”
“Hyung?”
“Make love to me, please.” Taeyong doesn’t notice, but he’s already crying, and Jaehyun is panicking so what he does is he kisses Taeyong gently, and then rougher.
As if the both of them were hungry for each other, hot breaths and needy sounds filled the room, Jaehyun holds and touches him carefully and lovingly; gentle hands roam around his body like it was some type of treasure. Taeyong missed this so much, not the lovemaking, but how Jaehyun held him with so much care, making sure that he wasn’t too rough. Taeyong missed Jaehyun’s warmth and affection.
That night they make love that felt like the first time again.
“I love you Hyunie. So so much.” Taeyong silently smiles, the afterglow of making love lingering in the air, and Jaehyun doesn’t respond, he only kisses Taeyong carefully.
Did you touch her like this too?
Taeyong doesn’t understand how he felt lonelier than ever after that.
-
Jaehyun knows that something has changed between him and Taeyong, and he knows the reason why. He has been showing lesser affection to the latter, sometimes not returning most of it. But he can’t bring himself to continue hurting Taeyong like this. Taeyong, his hyung, his best friend, his little star, does not deserve this.
So one night, he comes home early, and he finds Taeyong asleep on the couch, wrapped around his favorite blanket. He looks so small and fragile like he could break anytime. Jaehyun carefully walks away before Taeyong can wake up but he feels a light tug on his wrist, and he looks to see Taeyong blinking, one hand wrapped around his wrist.
“You’re home?”
Jaehyun only nods, staring at his feet.
“You know, you used to pick me up from the couch and bring me to the bedroom before. You hated it when I slept here.” Taeyong chuckles but it sounded empty, and Jaehyun’s heart breaks.
He did. He used to carry Taeyong because he didn’t want him to sleep in that cramped couch. He wanted only the best for him. He still did now.
“Taeyong hyung, I-“ He is suddenly cut off by Taeyong pressing a kiss on his cheeks.
“Let’s talk next time. I’m tired. Wash up and sleep, baby.”
Suddenly, Taeyong is aware of the impending doom about to come and he’s scared, he’s so scared of losing Jaehyun. He didn’t know what to do if that happened, suddenly all the strong façade he built up over the years seemed to not work anymore, at least not on Jaehyun. So when Jaehyun mutters an okay and heads to the bathroom, he cries himself to sleep silently.
Jaehyun notices while Taeyong pretends he doesn’t.
-
Jaehyun doesn’t hold Taeyong as close anymore. It’s starting to feel like it’s more of an obligation because they’re married and Taeyong is tired of pretending. He wants the old Jaehyun back, and he’s willing to forget everything because he loves Jaehyun that much.
So he tries to patch things up, he decides to leave work early to prepare dinner for the both of them. It’s been a while, Taeyong hums, and he feels quite happy for some reason. He sends Jaehyun a text message asking him he could go early and eat dinner with him, and Jaehyun replies with a simple yes. Thinking about eating dinner with Jaehyun is making him happy. He happily buzzes around the kitchen, feeling like it’s his first time preparing dinner for Jaehyun and his heart flutters at the thought.
Taeyong you’re so stupid. The back of his mind whispers and he ignores it.
The clock strikes 11:00 PM and the door opens.
3 hours.
“Hyung?” Jaehyun quietly enters the apartment and sees Taeyong on the dining table, looking rather sullen, and he suddenly remembers that he was supposed to go home early and eat with him. Guilt eats him up slowly as he approaches the latter.
“Hyung I’m sorry, I got too caught up with work, I forgot about it—“
Taeyong only nods his head in understanding, again. Jaehyun gives him a tired smile, and he’s about to leave when Taeyong opens his mouth.
“Will you at least accompany me to the dinner table while I eat? It kind of feels lonely.” Taeyong looks down, his fists balled up in his lap. He’s trying so hard not to break.
“I’m sorry hyung, I’m quite tired, I think I’ll head to bed.”
But Taeyong is after all still human, no matter how much he understands or pretends that he does not notice, he breaks. He fucking breaks.
“Can’t you at least do that for me Jaehyun?” His voice is small, and he does not look up, afraid that he might just break even more if he sees his face. He’s so scared. He wants Jaehyun to hold him and tell him everything is okay, that he still loves him. But it doesn’t come. Instead, he hears a tired sigh.
“Hyung I told you, I’m tired. I’ve been working all day.”
“Really, Jaehyun? How long will you keep lying to me?” Taeyong angrily looks up from the table, his small hands trembling, his voice cracking and his eyes threatening to spill angry tears.
“What do you mean—“ An accusatory stare is given to him by Jaehyun, he has never seen that look on Jaehyun before, and he feels small.
“Don’t fucking lie to me! I’m not dumb! You come home late every night! Smelling like soft roses, Jaehyun please, I know what you’re doing. I’m not blind.” And he breaks again, the tears collected over weeks of doubt and selflessness falling freely, and he can’t breathe. Everything is suddenly too overwhelming; he chokes back a sob as he sees Jaehyun’s face.
Completely devoid of whatever emotion he expected to see; devoid of love and affection for him.
“So you knew? I tried telling you hyung--,” Jaehyun stares at everywhere but him, and for that, he feels a little bit prouder because he knows that when Jaehyun does that, he’s embarrassed and ashamed. He fucking knows him to the bones.
“Don’t fuck around and don’t try making this about me!” Taeyong sobs again, softer this time, his heart breaking again, he feels like suffocating, dying even. “Do you even still love me? Have you grown tired of me, Hyunie? What is it? Please tell me; I can’t go on without knowing. Please.” Taeyong’s falls off his seat and kneels in front of Jaehyun.
Pathetic. But he would do anything to keep Jaehyun.
Jaehyun kneels down in front of him, and for a second he sees a flicker of emotion in Jaehyun’s eyes, the same emotion that held him together for quite a long time before things started falling apart. For that, he is hopeful. Jaehyun wraps a strong arm around Taeyong’s shoulder, pulling him closer, hugging him tightly. Taeyong can smell the faint aroma of soft roses. Taeyong can smell her. He fights the will to stay in Jaehyun’s arms, so he pushes him away with every ounce of strength he has. He feels sick, disgusted and betrayed.
“Jaehyun don’t. Please, I don’t need your hug. I just want to know.” Taeyong’s voice comes in the form of a broken whisper and Jaehyun nods his head.
Jaehyun rubs his face tiredly, and Taeyong can see that he’s tired too.
“Hyung, we were too young. We fell in love too quickly for me to realize what I was committing myself into. It was never a good idea from the start. It was a mistake.” Jaehyun’s voice breaks too, and Taeyong realizes that he’s hurting too.
“Jaehyun, y-you loved me. We loved each other. I still do.” His shaky hand reaches for Jaehyun’s hand, Taeyong sucks in a breath when Jaehyun holds his hand back. It felt foreign, distant.
“I’m sorry, hyung.” And just as quickly as Jaehyun held his hand, Jaehyun let’s go of it too.
“Please, wait—“ Taeyong begs, he doesn’t care anymore. “Please tell me the reason.”
“You don’t make me happy anymore. It’s as simple as that—“ Jaehyun stares at him, and he wills himself to believe that the latter is lying, “Hyung, I yearn for things you cannot give and she can. I yearn for a family hyung. I want to have children. Hyung, I’m so sorry.” A tear slips from Jaehyun’s eye, and that’s when Taeyong knows he already lost Jaehyun. He cannot have anything against that; he cannot keep Jaehyun unhappy and trapped. He cannot let the love of his life feel like that.
“Is she kind? Wonderful?” Taeyong asks silently, wiping his tears away gently, the tears have stopped, but it seems like his heart would forever remain broken.
“She is. She’s lovely, hyung. You don’t have to worry about anything. But do understand that she will never be you, and that will always mean something to me. You will always have a special place in my heart, hyung. She’s not you so, please don’t beat yourself over that. You’re lovely hyung, and I loved you a lot too. Please never forget that.” Jaehyun cups Taeyong’s cheeks, his thumb brushing away the tears and for the first time in what felt like forever, Taeyong felt his sincerity.
So he makes one last request, one that he would hold close to his heart for a very long time, for his whole lifetime maybe.
“Will you please hold me one last time?” His voice comes out in a whisper again, and Jaehyun looks surprised, but he immediately masks it, gathering a broken Taeyong in his arms, his little star, he wraps his arms around him gently, and he presses a kiss on Taeyong’s forehead.
“Thank you for everything, hyung. I loved you so so much. My little star. I’m sorry for breaking your heart.”
If you’re sorry, then why are you choosing her?
Taeyong fights his tears again, but he fails, so just like that, he cries silently in Jaehyun’s arms. Through eyes blurry with tears, he tries to memorize the feeling of Jaehyun’s arms around him. Jaehyun’s warmth and tenderness, the feeling of being able to hug him. He doesn’t want to forget.
Jaehyun leaves that night. He also leaves his wedding ring.
And he also leaves a broken Taeyong.
-
A year after, Taeyong is still healing a broken heart, and he knows that it will take him a long time.
Jaehyun took all of his things a week later, and Taeyong figures that he must be moving in with her. They tried to avoid each other during that duration of time, and it only hurt Taeyong more. Having to be careful with the person he loves the most, having to pretend that he’s okay even when the both of them knows that he isn’t.
Doyoung was the first person to hear about it and Taeyong chuckles at the irony. Doyoung was the first to introduce them, and he was also the first person to know that they’ve both broken up. But he was a big help, he distracted Taeyong in so many ways, and for that, Taeyong is very thankful. Because when he’s alone, he can’t help but remember Jaehyun; his Jaehyun who would wake him up every morning with butterfly kisses, his pretty dimpled Jaehyun, his warm Jaehyun, his Jaehyun.
They process their divorce papers with minimal interaction, and every time Taeyong comes home alone in the once warm apartment they shared, he cries his heart out. He feels fucking sick, and Jaehyun seemed to be the only cure for that.
But it’s been a year, and he’s getting better, he still feels empty, but he knows he has to eventually move on. He’s taking his time.
-
It’s a sunny Sunday morning when Taeyong finds a letter in front of his apartment door, he picks it up, and he sees how beautiful the envelope is, it was in soft pink, and it smelled like soft roses. And he knows. He opens it, he doesn’t know what he was expecting, but he knows. It was a wedding invitation.
You are invited to the uniting of two hearts, Jung Jaehyun and Jeon Sohee.
Mr. Lee Taeyong
August 25th, 2019
4:00 pm at the Seoul Gardens
your presence is highly appreciated
That was a month from now, and Taeyong smiles a gently, Jaehyun hated pink.
But maybe Sohee made him learn how to love it.
-
The month passes by quickly, and before he knows it, he wakes up in the morning of Jaehyun’s wedding. He doesn’t want to go because he’s sure that it will only hurt more.
But he wants to be there during their special day. During Jaehyun’s special day. He’s not that heartless; he wants to see the stupid smile on Jaehyun’s face.
He misses him a lot.
Taeyong finds himself accompanied by Doyoung at the wedding place; the place was decorated prettily, white roses and soft colors were surrounding the place. It looked beautiful. Taeyong feels a pang of hurt, thinking about his wedding with Jaehyun. He dismisses it, and Doyoung gives his hand a reassuring squeeze.
“You’re doing well, hyung.”
When almost everything is settled, the soft music floats around the crowd, and Jaehyun appears with Sohee on his side, they both walk in, and Taeyong sees him. His breath catches in his throat. There he was, the man he loves the most, to be married to someone else. He looks so beautiful. He tries his best to hold back his tears, he looks at his lap and then at Jaehyun again, but this time Jaehyun catches his eyes. Something between familiarity and warmth dances around Jaehyun’s eyes and Taeyong smiles at him.
It’s been a while, Hyunie.
The wedding ceremony passes by quickly, and now they’re in the reception, it was equally as pretty as the wedding hall. He is seated with Doyoung and Jaehyun’s old friends whom he knew too. They were quite surprised that Taeyong was there and Taeyong only smiles.
“Taeyong hyung, you’re much better than the bride.” Someone said, and he guesses it was Mark, he only shakes his head and laughs. After a while, everyone already started eating, the excitement of the event visible through the chatters of the guest. Taeyong excuses himself, “I’m gonna get some air, and Doyoung stay here just in case Jaehyun thinks we ran off or something,” Doyoung looks at him worriedly, and he laughs, I’ll be okay.
Taeyong goes outside, and he sees that the skies are empty. No stars. Hmm, maybe the stars were empathizing with him too. He wraps his arms around him, the evening was cold, and he wasn’t sure if it was because of the weather or was it because he just saw the love of his life get married to someone else?
But the coldness leaves his body when he feels a jacket being wrapped around him, he turns around, and he’s almost knocked out of breath because it’s him, Jaehyun, it’s been so long, and Taeyong only wants to wrap his arms around him, but he settles with a greeting.
“Oh, look what we have here, the groom.” He gives Jaehyun a gentle shove, and in that moment of touch, he feels like he was about to lose his breath again.
“Hi, hyung.”
“Hi, Hyunie. It’s been long right?” Taeyong smiles at Jaehyun and Jaehyun returns the smile. He was still as beautiful as ever, his dimples still the same, his smile warmer now. Taeyong is thankful for that. At least Sohee makes him happy.
“It’s been long. I’m glad you could come.” Jaehyun closes the space between them and Taeyong is alarmed for a tiny second, but he lets himself feel, even just for a second or a minute.
“I wouldn’t miss this for the world.” He laughs gently, and Jaehyun takes his hand in his, squeezing it gently.
“I’m really sorry about everything. Have you been doing well?” He half expects for Jaehyun to let go of his hand but he doesn’t, so he lets the moment linger for a little bit longer.
“I am.”
“I’m glad.”
A moment of silence passes them, it was not uncomfortable, and it felt familiar.
“Are you happy?” The both of them say at the same time, and they’re surprised, and in the next moment, they’re already laughing breathless, suspended in the moment.
“I am. How about you hyung?”
“Trying. I’ll get there.” Jaehyun’s hand tightens around him, and he knows this habit too well. When Jaehyun is worried or scared, he will do this. So Taeyong squeezes his hand gently accompanied by a soft smile, letting him know that he’ll be alright.
“You better get back inside Hyunie, the groom shouldn’t be missing from the party.” Jaehyun only nods in understanding. Taeyong removes the jacket and gives it back to Jaehyun, the latter accepting it dumbly. But before Jaehyun could turn around, Taeyong tugs the sleeves of Jaehyun’s clothes.
“Hyung?”
No matter where you are,
“Wait--I have so much to say. But I’ll keep it to a minimum. Hyunie, I hope you’re happy. Really. I genuinely do. I still think of your arms wrapped around me sometimes, but that doesn’t mean I wish for you to come back to me because I know you won’t be. I want you to be happy with her-“ Taeyong raises his eyes and sees Jaehyun’s gentle eyes looking at him, “Please be happy for me. That’s my only wish.” Taeyong smiles and blinks back the tears, slowly letting go of Jaehyun.
You’ll always have my heart,
“Hurry now, go in.” Taeyong was unprepared for what Jaehyun did next; Jaehyun leans in and presses a soft kiss on his forehead. Something he used to do when Taeyong was worried or anxious. But this time it felt friendly, not like the other ones he had given him. He wants him to stay but instead Taeyong pushes Jaehyun’s back gently towards the entrance, “But hyung—“ he chuckles because Jaehyun remains stubborn after all this time,
No matter where you are,
“Don’t worry I’ll be fine. Goodbye. See you around Jaehyun.”
I’ll love you from afar.
Taeyong doesn’t let himself break and slip as Jaehyun leaves; he doesn’t say the five words he had meant to say from the moment he saw Jaehyun in the hall, up until the moment Jaehyun left. He keeps the words safe in his heart.
I will always love you.