Chapter Text
"...just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again..."
----
It was the same old story.
They would wake up, have a chaotic breakfast, be mad at each other for the rest of the day—sometimes even a week, make up, and repeat the same process.
"I am tired, Han.” The words were whispered in the softest voice Sehun’s dry throat could make, but they echoed like a death sentence to the other presence who was sitting on the bed. Sehun sat on floor, leaning against the wall, feeling exhausted from their fight. His hair was shaggy from pulling them in frustration, opting to hurt himself rather than the most precious person he treasured more than his own life.
Sweat covered his exposed forearms, which were lined with scratches that Luhan inflicted him again that day in fits of anger. They stung, but Sehun was numb from everything, except the excruciating pain of his crying heart. Sehun's eyes were bloodshot, and his overall state reflected how distressed he was at the endless cycles of quarrels they have almost every day. Their falling-outs were getting more and more often than the times of peace, and no one could deny it anymore…
They were gradually falling apart.
"I cannot do this anymore. You are hurting me and I am hurting you. Your jealousy fits are overwhelming me so much. I endured everything, but I do not think I can do it anymore. You never listened to me. I am tired, Han."
A perplexed Luhan looked up from the hands that were covering his face. He stared at his soulless lover staring at nothing in particular, and his insides wallowed with guilt, knowing that he was the sole cause of Sehun’s despair. Sehun's empty eyes reflected all the pain that the beholder had inside, and how Luhan wished to take back everything he did just to see the beautiful shine in them once again.
"You do not trust me at all. It is as if you are constantly doubting me even if you know how much I love you." Sehun added, his fists clenching on his sides, the internal anguish making it harder for him to speak. His mind was a muddled mess, and his lips quivered in an attempt to get the words out of his throat. Though, tears were not falling anymore, having been exhausted from the endless gush of his emotions moments ago. "I do not know why you turned into someone like that… You changed a lot, Luhan. We were happy. We were always on top of the world because we have each other. But what happened? I do not know where I went wrong. I do not know why you are always accusing me of cheating and flirting and of things that you know to yourself I can never do. You are doubting me even if I tried my best in the past decade proving how much I value you. You are hurting me so much, Luhan. More than you can ever imagine."
"Aren't you hurting me right now?" Luhan sniffled, wiping his tears with the back of his hand. He was hurting; each and every word that left Sehun’s lips stabbed straight to Luhan’s heart. "Aren't you crushing my heart by what you are saying?"
Before Luhan could add anything, Sehun had cut him off by a hushed yet piercing answer. "You and I know that you are the one hurting me and yourself. All I did was love and understand you through the years. The only fault I had was that I loved you way too much… Way too much for you to forget how to respect me and consider what I feel."
Luhan choked on that, knowing that it was true. His mind was too wrapped up at the thought of holding onto Sehun that unknowingly, he was grasping his lover way too tight for Sehun to drift away. He continued staring at Sehun, who just looked ahead with a disconsolate glint in his eyes. Luhan opened his lips, finally asking the question that tortured him to no end. "I-Is this our end? A-Are you re-really... breaking up with me? Are you giving up on me, Sehun?"
Sehun fought the urge to meet his teary lover's eyes, knowing that just one stare through those penetrating doe eyes would make the resolve his mind had set crumble. He closed his eyes, heaving a deep sigh as he shook his head. "I cannot do that. I love you damn so fucking much and I do not want you to let go. I cannot imagine what my life would be without you."
There was a big pause, and Luhan felt like he was hanging on a cliff as he awaited for the words that carved deep in his heart it hurts.
So, so much.
"Maybe we need a cool off. Maybe we need a break. This cannot work this way, Han. We should talk this out when we are not angry anymore."
Work was hard for Sehun but Luhan, his endless source of support and joy, never failed to make everything feel better like he had some sort of magic. His boyfriend used to be the sweetest thing on earth, giving him massages and making him honeyed water every time he went home. He was always welcomed by a set of thin but cozy arms and loving kisses while he was ushered to the dining room to have a meal together.
Luhan's cooking skills were not as good as Sehun's mother, but every ounce of love and effort in the dish was enough to satisfy Sehun's tastebuds. The way Luhan asked him how his day went was enough for Sehun to unwind and forget the day's worries. Luhan's cuddles always relieved the burden on Sehun's shoulders, and his warm, soothing voice and touches made Sehun drift to dreamland in no time. Luhan was his refuge, a safe haven he would always come running after at the end of the day.
Sehun did not know when and where everything started going downhill. Things changed right after their tenth anniversary which was also the third year Sehun started working. Luhan was never the same after he lost his job at the café he was working at. The café was sold for the owner's wedding, and there Luhan was, stripped with the sense of pride of helping in providing them their daily needs.
Since then, Luhan did not get any job. The deer drowned into misery and insecurities that Sehun tried to replace with all the tender loving care he could shower his lover with. Still, Luhan remained devastated. Sure, he stopped sobbing unlike the first week but he had been making life harder for Sehun. Luhan, without fail, demanded an explanation from Sehun when the latter went home late from work. He always caused a dispute, citing names of various office workers that he knew were close with Sehun, thinking that Sehun had some kind of affair with any of them. At first, it was cute that Luhan was showing some possessiveness, something that the deer never manifested in the past ten years. But as months drew on, it went overboard. It even went to the point where Luhan was clinging on Sehun just for his lover not to go to work. During his jealousy fits, he hurt Sehun to no end, screaming all kinds of painful accusations, punching Sehun’s chest and scratching him.
Sehun endured each and every jab, not wanting to hurt his lover in any way. He raised his voice but Luhan would not listen. He held Luhan's wrists to restrain him, but the smaller male took it as an offense and just kicked harder.
What was tiring was that Sehun was always the one who said 'sorry' even if it was Luhan who was being irrational. He always cooed and pursued his boyfriend, spoiling him to no end until he was 'forgiven.' Just when he thought everything was okay, Luhan would find any issue to bring up, thus, repeating the agonizing cycle again.
Sehun had his own fair share of jealous moments especially because his lover was an alluring masterpiece of a creature that could make anybody bow down before his beauty. The only difference between them was that Sehun was secured enough to understand that Luhan loved him dearly. He knew that Luhan would never betray him, and if ever Luhan wanted to end whatever they had, he would tell Sehun and not cheat.
It hurt to know that Luhan did not have the same trust for Sehun.
Was it the lack of ample time together that caused them to drift apart? Did it make Luhan think that he was not valuable and sufficient enough? But Sehun was trying. He was trying to juggle everything. He was trying to make Luhan special in their little time together. He was just doing this for their future... for Luhan to be happy. To fulfill his promise to give Luhan everything in this world...
Then why? Why was Luhan like this?
Sehun did not know how he endured such pain for almost eleven months, and that he only exploded at that certain day. Luhan dared to answer Sehun's phone call from an office worker who was just going to inform him about an upcoming seminar. Sehun, who was just preheating dinner overheard Luhan shouting accusations at the female over the phone, and that was the last straw. The Lord knew how much Sehun wanted to hit Luhan for making him an embarrassment, but Sehun was sane enough to punch the wall instead. For the first time, Sehun talked back. They screamed and yelled hurtful words at each other, which ended with Sehun's proposition of a separate vacation.
They were indeed in the verge of breaking up.
Sehun headed anywhere his car could take him. He did not care if he got lost; he did not care if he did not know where his mind was leading him. He just wanted to be away from their apartment, which he could once call home with Luhan in it. He took five days off despite his boss’s protests, wanting to sort himself out. He needed to think, to clear his head, to contemplate about the situation without any distractions. This was one of the major decisions that he would do in his life, and he wanted to make sure that it would certainly be the right thing to do, even if it would hurt him and Luhan.
He did not know how he ended in a lone town with barely any citizens in it. The town was quiet, even ghostly quiet that it somewhat freaked Sehun out. As he was walking, everything seemed to be coming back to him. Meddling with the brand-new buildings were familiar establishments that changed the slightest, but were still in their old glory. Only some people were present on the streets. Some women—some of them oddly familiar to Sehun—were holding basins with piles of dirty clothes, making Sehun think that they were probably taking water from somewhere else or maybe to a laundry shop. A few of them were casually strolling, wearing school uniforms that Sehun would never forget in a million years. A handful of them were wearing professional clothes, rushing towards the direction of the subway station near the parking lot Sehun dropped off.
He continued dragging his luggage, his wandering eyes scanning the panoramic view of the place he once considered his home. He saw his old house—now an abode of a happy family of three—along the way to the motel he would lodge in. No matter how his old house aged, he could still tell it apart from all the other buildings in their old town.
How could he not? There in that house, the happiest memories of his childhood had taken place. His late parents made that small bungalow a home, making him know what love really was. Right beside it was a forlorn view of a two-storey house which was currently for sale. It still looked lonely and cold as ever, just like how Luhan felt when he was still dwelling in that mansion.
That was one of the many reasons he befriended Luhan anyway; the gloomy boy felt deprived of love since his younger brother who seemed perfect in everything came along.
Sehun finally reached a cheap motel located at the middle of the town and decided to have a daylong rest first. He spent the night contemplating about a lot of things, like how and why the hell he came back to their godforsaken hometown, and how to patch up things with his boyfriend.
He did not realize that his glassy eyes were shedding tears until he drifted to sleep.
The male woke up at about ten in the morning, which was something he never did during his three years of working. He always rose at an early hour every working day partly because he needed to be present at his workplace early and partly because he wanted to join Luhan in breakfast even if they always ended up quarreling over the table.
Despite sleeping for more than twelve hours, Sehun did not feel refreshed at all. He was not used waking to a cold, cramped bed without a certain deer clinging on him for his dear life. It did not certainly help that the weather at that time was chilly from the autumn breeze signaling the coming of winter.
He always woke up to the smell of Luhan’s hair, whose owner always came back to bed to snuggle with Sehun even after making breakfast. Sehun missed Luhan’s beautiful smile while mumbling a tiny ‘good morning’ followed with a kiss, and sometimes, when it was still early, a good morning booster of sweet love making. Sehun was definitely not used to the empty feeling inside his chest that only his angel could fill and satisfy.
Somehow, he was thinking if his decision was right, but he did not want to be hurt anymore. He probably sheltered and spoiled Luhan a little bit more than what he intended, making the Chinese male think that Sehun would always lightly deal with the pain Luhan was inflicting on him. Or maybe, Sehun was a bad boyfriend. Maybe his lack of time for Luhan made the latter insecure of himself to the point of no return. Maybe Sehun was not giving Luhan the love he needed, was ignoring his efforts and was dense enough not to realize how Luhan was hurting—
“God, Oh Sehun,” the Korean male sighed, looking down on the warm water flowing down the icy tiles of the bathroom. “You are beating yourself again. Relax. Think. Be logical. Be rational.”
Sehun dried himself with a towel, dressed himself up in a worn out green turtleneck, dark jeans and a blue beanie. He almost forgot to grab his coat that he wore the day before due to rushing. He made sure that his wallet was fat enough to buy his late loved ones a decent amount of flowers, just like what he faithfully did for the past years.
Once he bought two bouquets of carnations from a nearby flower shop, he rode a bus to the local cemetery. It still made Sehun upset how he was not able to choose a better burial place due to his lack of money when he was still a student, but as he was walking down the cemetery path to his parents’ graves, he was overcame with intense grief and guilt.
“I am sorry, eomma, appa… that I failed to come to your birthdays this year due to my business trips. Dad, I am sorry that I did not give you a sufficient feast on your death anniversary. Gosh, now, I am even late for mom’s death anniversary and I have nothing to offer but flowers. I have no excuse other than the fact that Luhan and I were breaking apart and I was finishing a big project the boss entrusted me… that I, well, dumped to an officemate because I am currently a mess. See? Luhan is not even with me this time.” Sehun laid the bouquets on front of each parents’ graves and gave them respect by bowing on the ground.
Sehun went on telling about his chaotic lifestyle and how he was having trouble understanding how Luhan’s mind works. He talked and talked despite knowing that no one would answer his grumblings and pleas for help. He felt the burden inside him lightening even just by a little, and after about an hour of bonding with his loved ones, he bid them goodbye.
He walked back to the path where the bus passes, a morose and sullen expression present on his face. He was about to get there but then, something from the corner of his eye caught his attention.
A strikingly purple petal came flying to his direction, leaving a whiff of fragrance that Sehun’s heart remembered. He looked at the east, and he was dumbstruck to see a line of lavenders blooming in lines. Curiosity got the best out of Sehun and instead of hailing the upcoming bus, he ran towards the direction of the flower patch.
He was left speechless once he saw rows and rows of flowers of different species extending to the other side of the cemetery. His mind could recognize the place, but he could not tell what significance it had to his life.
He walked further through the patches, and time seemed to stop once his gaze landed on rows of yellow.
It was like the frozen memories melted into a clear picture of what they used to be.
"Shixun! Shixun!" A bright, child-like voice rang in Sehun's ears, causing him to look back. A boy with curly hair and doe-like eyes was running towards the middle of the meadows, where a boy who was plucking flowers looked up to see his playmate.
"Hannie!" The other boy grinned with his pearly whites and his cold eyes crinkling into warm crescents. Realization dawned to Sehun once the effeminate boy collided with the taller one, tackling him down the ground with a bear hug.
The mispronunciation of his name, the loving bear hugs that he received and the shy pecks his cheeks were bestowed upon all reminded him of his childhood with the only boy he loved in his life. The melodious laughter, the squeaky voice and the beautiful singing in a foreign language...
Luhan.
"Sorry, Hannie was late," the seven year old kid pouted at the boy who was pulling his hand towards the yellow streaks of flowers. "Mama told Hannie to take care of Minki while mama was cooking."
"It is okay, Xiao Lu," replied Little Sehun who was clasping a bunch of sunflowers on his left hand. "We both know how important your brother is more than anything."
"But Hannie loves Shixun more," the young deer commented, making a young Sehun halt on his movements.
"I love Minki and baba too, but I think I love Shixun a little bit more," the Chinese boy clarified, not minding that Sehun was not staring back at him. "Shixun comes to the level that I love mama, and I won't mind giving Shixun the only choco pie I have now."
Little Sehun turned to the sound of a plastic wrapper being ripped open, and saw Luhan holding the package of the sweet treat with one hand while his teeth tore it.
"Chocolate?" Sehun beamed at the sight of his favorite treat and Luhan profusely grinned, showing his incomplete set of teeth. "Hannie just had his tooth plucked out, so Hannie wants Sehun to eat it instead."
An adult Sehun watched from a distance, a smile playing on his lips while watching the two kids feed each other.
"This is Hannie's favorite place," Luhan began once they settled on the grassy lands. His doe-like eyes scanned the colorful surroundings around him, which were lush greens decorated with specks of different hues. "Hannie loves the flowers so much, especially sunflowers!" A giggle escaped his lips as his bright, shining eyes locked with the streak of yellow flowers in the middle of the meadows. “Hannie is so thankful that Shixun showed this to him. Hannie loves this place! Hannie loves this just like how Hannie loves Sh—“
"F-For you," Sehun handed him the bunch of sunflowers in his hand, to which Luhan tilted his head in surprise. "For me? Shixun picked them for me?"
‘I forgot that Luhan could be this cute,’ the adult Sehun thought while smiling to himself.
"We know that this is not allowed back at home." The adult Sehun chuckled heartily, remembering how his mother fussed over him giving almost all of her well-tended sunflowers to the pretty Chinese boy next door. 'Now I remember. Right. He always liked those yellow bunches more than roses.'
The taller boy added, "in this special place, Sehunnie could give Luhannie as many flowers as he wants."
“Really?” Luhan beamed, and Sehun nodded along his playmate. Luhan excitedly grabbed the bunch of flowers from Sehun's hand, and the spectator of the view melted at the sight of his young lover looking at the flowers with his big, doe-like eyes.
“They smell so fresh, Shixun!” Little Luhan commented after taking a sniff of the sunflowers. Sehun pulled one from the bunch and cut the stem, making Luhan’s face shift into confusion. Little Oh Sehun placed the flower on his cute little deer Lu Han’s ear, making the smaller of the two grin upon realization.
“How do I look, Shixun?” Luhan laid his sunflowers down and stood, spinning on his spot with his arms outstretched to flaunt how he looked like. Little Sehun remained glued on his seat, dazed orbs looking up to his angel bathing in sunlight. Luhan looked ethereal as ever, only that a simple thing as a flower and the right timing of the sunlight’s beam shining down on him made him seem like he was a fairy.
“Very beautiful,” the young and adult Sehun said at the same time, both answering in a breathless manner.
The smaller boy grinned at the answer, and before long, little Sehun was blushing beet red when his baby Lu’s soft lips pressed on his chubby cheeks.
"Were we really that cute?" An adult Sehun chuckled white witnessing the act on front of him. "How could I forget about those things?"
"Next time, Sehunnie will make Luhannie a flower crown. Sehunnie promises." The cold looking kid held his pinky up on his childhood friend's face, and the giggling beauty stuck out his tiny finger to intertwine their fingers together.
"Hannie believes," the younger beamed brighter if that was even possible.
Just like the way it came, the vision suddenly disappeared, leaving Sehun standing awkwardly in the middle of the meadows he never knew he walked on. He looked around, seeing that the flowers were slowly disappearing as preparation for the winter. Sehun wished that he came there when everything was in full bloom, wanting to see the beauty of the place where he had one of his best memories.
He did not know why, but the sight felt so real before his eyes. It was as if his heart led him to that place to find answers to his unspoken questions.
Seeing their childhood days made Sehun want to go back to those carefree days where they could just indulge in the warmth of each other’s love.
Instead of going straight back to the motel like he intended to do, Sehun walked around the neighborhood, wanting to get the best out of his vacation. Maybe visiting the places that he shared with Luhan back in the years, he would get the answers he was searching for.
Sehun saw the playground where Luhan and him often hung out at after their kindergarten classes. He passed by the small pond where the teenage versions of themselves often fished while talking about life. He attempted visiting the small town library where they often borrowed books, but sadly, he found out that it was taken down and turned into an arcade. He walked down the road which they took every time they go to school and he could not stop smiling while reminiscing those simple conversations they had. His gaze fell upon their old school building that he decided he would visit the next day. Perhaps, the court where they often played basketball, with Sehun losing to the skilled babe, would be his next. He planned on jotting down his agenda on his memo once he reaches his room, just in case that his mind would forget something.
While he was on his way back to the motel, his eyes befell on canopy-covered tables and chairs with customers chatting and eating. A medium-sized counter was located on the other end, where people of various ages filed in a line. Due to the fact that Oh Sehun was bestowed with a good height, he easily saw about four heads behind the counter. Two were holding trays, walking back and forth to serve the customers who were waiting on the other tables.
He went a little closer due to curiosity, and one of them, probably the oldest one with an auburn mullet, perked up from the cash register and grinned at him. Sehun, in surprise, cocked his eyebrow up, but the man only took it as an invitation to leave the counter after coaxing on one of his crew.
“Sehunnie?” A bright voice filled his ears, coming from the other man who seemed to be in his early thirties. “Oh God. Oh Sehun? Is that really you?
“Pardon?” Sehun furrowed his eyebrows, squinting his eyes to make sure that he knew the other person. “Yes, it is me, but—“
“Don’t you remember me?” The smaller man frowned, clearly offended on the lack of recognition in Sehun’s voice. “How can you forget about your hyung like that? Hey, Oh Sehun, you always took your pretty boy here at this place even before you two realized that you both preferred dicks.”
How vulgar, Sehun thought, taken aback at the blunt remark.
“Doesn’t my attitude and my sass click in the loose gears of your mind? I doted on you since you were kids even if my business was small and that you were basically occupying a table for like, three hours—”
“Mr. Byun?” Sehun found himself saying, trying to make sense of the elder’s statement. The shorter male crossed his arms, displeasure evident on his face.
“Not because you grew taller than me gives you the license to forget me,” Mr. Byun grimaced before being pulled towards Sehun’s chest for a tight hug. “Baekhyun hyung! Oh my God. I am sorry that I did not recognize you. You looked older, so—“
Baekhyun pushed the younger male away, crossing his arms once again while glaring. “Oh, right. The first thing that this tall bastard told me after years of not showing his face to his worn out hyung is that I look older. How nice of you, kid.” The forty-something male scoffed. “Probably, you were taking the other highway to go to your parents’ graves so that was why I never saw you around. Don’t you want to see me?”
Sehun gasped, his hand naturally making its way to the back of his neck to rub it, feeling guilty. “Hyung, fine, I was taking the more accessible highway but it was not my intention to avoid you. You know, life was just busy so Luhan and I often went back to the city on the very the same day we visit.”
“Come on, hyung,” Sehun playfully nudged the elder and threw an arm around Baekhyun. “I am sorry, okay? I know what I did was wrong, but please forgive me.”
Baekhyun rolled his eyes once he saw Sehun pouting at him while doing a bbuing bbuing aegyo. “Cut that shit, Sehunnie. You are like ten centimeters taller than me so just stop doing that cute act on me. That is not going to work on me anyway.”
Sehun’s lips stretched into a tiny smile when the elder male reached for his cheek, pinching it. “Anyway, where is your pretty boyfie?”
Baekhyun retracted his hand when the younger’s smile faded. It was replaced with a bitter expression, and Sehun’s eyes reflected the suppressed pain he bore inside him. “As you can see, we have some issues…”
“Lovers’ quarrel?” Baekhyun asked and Sehun shook his head as an answer. “I wish it is just a simple lovers’ quarrel, but it was quite big.”
“Hmmm… too bad. I had been wanting to see how he looks like now.” Sehun took out his phone at the indirect request and slid the lockscreen open. He went to the photos gallery and handed the phone to Baekhyun, who gasped, “wow, he was beautiful, but now, he is stunning! What a catch, Sehun-ah.”
Baekhyun swiped the screen, seeing more and more pictures of Luhan doing everyday activities with nonstop praises such as ‘he does not look like he is twenty-five, oh my gosh,’ ‘his eyes never changed. They are still as bright as ever,’ ‘why is his skin so nice? When I was his age…’
“You are whipped, kid. You are obviously kissing this deer’s feet.” Baekhyun said, looking at Sehun with a smug smirk.
“Maybe I am,” Sehun chuckled and grabbed his phone. “Now, now, you saw too much, Baek hyung. You might see more than what I do not intend to share with others.”
Baekhyun furrowed his eyebrows in question, before morphing into ones of distaste. “You do that nasty stuff?”
“Cannot help taking pictures and videos if my boyfriend is damn hot,” Sehun winked, and Baekhyun faked a gag. “Kids these days.”
“But seriously, he bloomed to be an alluring rose,” Baekhyun added afterwards. “I did not have an idea that boys can be so pretty.”
“Indeed,” Sehun hummed, “though, I wish that I may walk a flowery path with him again.”
“You know how I often stuck my nose on other people’s business before, but now that I grew older, well, I know better that some things are private,” Baekhyun reached for the younger’s head and playfully ruffled the gelled strands. “All I can offer is my listening ear, and maybe, some piece of thought from a man breathing for forty-one years in this disastrous world.”
The conversation went over the table, with Sehun sharing some tidbits of their situation. It took Sehun by surprise that Baekhyun’s answer at the end was a simple “if ever you grew tired of one another but you still do not want to let go, I think you need to look back to where you came from.”
“Like, in a sense of… how do I say this?” Baekhyun went on, clarifying what he meant. “Look back to the way you two used to be. Reflect on the times when you were in the beginning stages of your relationship, particularly the happy times. I do not know about others, but personally, I think that it might somehow bring back the feeling that you lost, or even find answers in there. Who knows; the answers to your troubles may be lying deep in the old times.”
“Thank you, Baekkie hyung,” Sehun smiled once Baekhyun was finished telling him some piece of advices that he mentally noted. He made a move to stand up but Baekhyun was quick to pull his hand.
“Uh uh uh,” Baekhyun shook his finger while playfully grinning at Sehun. “You really plan to leave without catching up with me, kid?”
Sehun blinked at the elder, who just tightened his grip on the younger male. “I will make your lunch free, so don’t worry about the money.”
“How can you…”
“Boy, I can hear the gong in your belly from a hundred kilometer distance.” Baekhyun clapped his hands, signaling for one of his crew to come and get their order. Baekhyun stood and pushed Sehun down the chair, causing the other to groan. “Now, now, Oh Sehun. Be a good boy to the ol’ Mr. Byun who always let you sit here for hours with your cute little boyfie. I have a lot to tell to you, and you have a lot more to tell me.”
As expected, talking with Mr. Byun took a lot of Sehun's energy. Even at such an age, the elder man was beyond energetic, though it was notable how much he matured. Baekhyun got rid of his terrible habit of shouting on someone's face and he was not pushing Sehun to say more if he sensed that the other was uncomfortable. He was obviously trying hard not to butt in Sehun's own business, but he was kind and wise enough to offer Sehun some helpful advices if he thought it was necessary.
Sehun was beyond thankful to have met Mr. Byun again.
Sehun was supposed to go back to the hotel room, but he was aware that the cramped walls and the cold ass bed did nothing to pacify the ache in his heart. He decided to have another walk right after talking with Baekhyun for two straight hours, wanting to inhale fresh oxygen and to see the wonders of nature.
Oh, who was Sehun even kidding? He knew that his personal oxygen tank was miles away, probably as blue as he was feeling.
Luhan was his oxygen. Luhan was his personal charger and energizer, the one that made Sehun not loathe his own existence in this cruel world.
Luhan had always been his first and last love, from the very first day he laid his eyes on him.
He loved Luhan even though he was too young to realize what he was really feeling for the beauty was beyond platonic. He always thought of Luhan as a younger brother to take care of, something he rarely did to people other than his family. Luhan often returned the favor by always standing by Sehun's side, like when he was occasionally feeling insecure about his lisp. Perhaps, it was rather comical because Luhan himself was having struggles with the language he was just getting used at, but in little Sehun's mind, it strengthened his desire to spend the rest of his life with his best friend.
Maybe, little Sehun's outbursts of wanting to marry little Luhan and their play marriage and dates back in kindergarten screamed a lot of how much he adored Luhan. He always thought Luhan was beautiful but thought of his attraction to the smaller boy as a phase that would pass, but it never did.
He realized that he was gay—or maybe just Luhansexual—during their preteen years when they were having a sleepover. Having first watched porn a few days prior, an adolescent Sehun had an erection while secretly watching Luhan change. It had been normal for them to show each other everything, but after his eyes were opened to what sexual attraction was, he could not help but notice how delicate Luhan was. Luhan was beautiful in form, with his slender body and soft, babyish, porcelain skin flashing before Sehun's eyes. The latter had to turn his back in shame once he realized that he was checking out his best friend. It did not absolutely help Sehun's dick and heart that every time they planned to sleep over each other's home, Luhan opted to snuggle close to his Sehunnie without Luhan's favorite stuff toy Bambi in between.
It did not also calm his senses that Luhan was clinging on him almost 24/7 like it was the Chinese boy's second nature. The confident ice prince turned into a jittery mess around his little bubbly princess. It grew worse when they became officially together, when Sehun became a gooey, saccharine lover who knew how to tend his beloved flower.
How could Sehun not love Luhan? Maybe it was Luhan's voice; how he called Sehun's name, giggled and laughed over the simplest things, pleaded Sehun to do him a favor and eventually, how angelic but sultry his moans sounded every time Sehun brought him to pleasure.
Perhaps, it was because of how pure Luhan's heart was. Luhan treated every creature with tenderness, seeing everything as a fragile flower to take care of, when in reality, the Chinese boy was an angel to be protected from this world. Luhan insisted that he was manly, but he always cried over cliche chic flicks and emotional stories. How ironic.
Luhan also respected his parents and loved his brother dearly despite being mostly ignored at home. He set aside all ill feelings towards the apparent resentment of his parents and focused on nurturing his already favored brother with attention and genuine concern.
Was it Luhan's endless support for Sehun? He always rooted for Sehun even if they were in different teams during sports events and school projects, not minding the weirded out stares he got from his schoolmates every single time he held a banner with Sehun's name on it. He helped Sehun gain confidence and did not mind nursing Sehun's breaking ego whenever the latter was down. He rarely got irritated at Sehun's antics and dad jokes, usually laughing his heart out no matter how absurd the remark was because he found Sehun cute trying to be funny.
Oh, how he acted like a second mom around Sehun. Luhan scolded Sehun for not taking good enough care of himself, and the former saw it as his mission to take care of Sehun even if his affluent upbringing made it hard for him to get used on household chores. He often complimented Sehun, cooed and pinched his cheeks, gave him sweet kisses and cuddled whenever he could. Luhan was also generous, and even if his filthy rich parents never gave him money more than what he needed, Luhan often found ways to give Sehun meaningful surprises.
Heck, he even gave Sehun a pair of matching Cartier bracelets—the one Sehun was wearing up to that day—on their first anniversary back in their junior high school days. It was a lot more expensive at that time, and the fact that Luhan did not buy the designer pastel hoodie he had been ogling on for the past month just to buy the love bracelets told Sehun a lot about how the other treasured him.
Probably, Sehun was addicted to Luhan because of his ethereal beauty and elegance. Sehun thought Luhan looked the best every single morning, when the doe woke up with his hair disheveled and his body painted with the marks of Sehun's ownership from their love making. Maybe what was making Sehun want to hold Luhan close was his delectable scent, or the way his supple lips break into a gleeful grin as he enthusiastically snuggled against Sehun.
Probably, it was how his face scrunches up in concentration every time he answered his homeworks, studied for exams or when Sehun tutored him. His eyebrows knitted in a line while his forehead creased with every difficult problem he encountered. He whined and pouted whenever he came across a concept that was hard to grasp and Sehun was more than willing to help. Luhan was clearly doing his best and despite getting only the average scores, he never gave up.
And oh, as much as Luhan was good at the Rubik's cube and ball games, he constantly lost in most of the arcade games to Sehun. He would stomp his feet and nearly cry in agitation and the elder, right on the next round, would pretend that he lost just for his doe-like darling to be cheerful.
So tell him... How could Sehun stop loving Luhan?
"Kyungsoo, why are you playing with girls?" A woman in her middle 30s, probably the mother of the said kid hollered from their house's door. "You should play with boys your age instead of acting gay."
The kid, obviously embarrassed, hastily left his female playmates and ran to God knows where.
Sehun sighed upon the sight. Here were the adults again; making children believe about stereotypes and what the 'correct' sexuality was.
Painful memories came rushing by, especially from that one evening that everything changed. It was a week after their college graduation that Luhan received the turning point in his life.
"Ahjusshi!" Sehun yelled in horror once he moved to catch his stumbling boyfriend. Despair and pain were written on a riled up Luhan's face, who was holding his sore cheek with his palm while Sehun was helping him balance on his wobbly feet. He already expected this to happen; but why did it still hurt?
"You son of a... you damn fucker!" Luhan's father raised his foot to kick on his faggot of a son but Sehun was quick to spin Luhan around, causing Sehun to receive the hit. They fell on the floor, with Sehun still wrapping his body around Luhan protectively.
"No, don't hurt them! Don't hurt my son!" Luhan's mother cried, trying to pull her husband away from the couple but she was far too weak from crying to have ample strength. In rage, Luhan's father pushed her away and proceeded on hurling kicks on Sehun who was clinging around Luhan's crouching form.
"Oh yeah? Your fucking son who was a faggot all along," Luhan's father laughed dryly that it sent chills to Sehun's spine. Even without looking, Sehun knew that there was a hateful glint in the elder's eyes with every wounding syllable leaving the latter's lips. "I always had an inkling that he was a queer motherfucker, but I never thought that he would have the guts to tell it on my face... So ungrateful. He wasted all the years that I fed him food on my table instead of crumbs, even if nothing was getting in his stupid brain. This bastard had no shame, forgetting that I was the one who dressed him up despite deserving rags and the one who made him study with my very own money. And what, he would come home, tell us he was dating another man, let alone some rat who we kindly accepted and let in. Fuck, I would never have let him in if only I know that these two were spreading their faggotry in my house."
It hurt hearing that, but it hurt more to see Luhan desperately trying to crawl out of his embrace.
"B-Baba," Luhan whispered lowly, his eyes gushing with tears as he reached for his father's calf, "I-I am so s-sorry..."
"Don't you touch me you filthy whore!" It happened too fast, and it took Sehun several seconds to register that someone just dared kick his beloved flower right on his beautiful face.
A wail was heard throughout the room, coming from Luhan's mother who was sobbing at the sight of her own flesh and blood being hit by a despicable monster. She wanted to intervene. She wanted to save the son she neglected for years but the fear of being hurt by her husband, the love of her life, paralyzed her senses.
"You are not my son! You will never be my son! I do not have a twink of a son who is a dick sucker, someone who whores around for cocks and someone who is an immoral slut!" Sehun was the one who was kicked next after maneuvering his body on front of Luhan who he pressed towards his chest.
God knew how Sehun wanted to kill the vile, detestable man that never even treated Luhan as part of the family but he knew that going to jail and leaving Luhan alone was the last thing they both wanted. Sehun knew that he was better off receiving all the jabs, abhorrent insults to his own deceased family, stabbing accusations of turning his son gay and the strong hits on his body to shield Luhan from every pain. Sehun was covering Luhan's ears all the time the former was mercilessly smote with the monster's fury, with Sehun doing everything he could to protect his one and only love. If only he was strong enough to pull the two of them out of the mess... if only he was powerful and rich enough to make the monster fall on their feet while begging for forgiveness... if only he was good enough...
"Don't you dare show your sissy face to our family again. Don't you even try to infect your brother when he gets back home from Paris or else I would not think twice disposing you and that pauperish boy toy of yours," were Luhan's father's last words before they were kicked out to the stormy night outside the extravagant mansion.
With all due respect, they started taking the other road every time they went to visit Sehun's parents' graves annually, even when the entire family except Luhan's brother Minki moved back to China a year after the incident. Luhan did not want any contact with his brother and mother in fear of their safety in his father's hands, so after having a long heartfelt talk with each one of them over the phone, Luhan never contacted them again. He checks the website of his brother's company—a famous fashion brand in Paris that grew successful in just a span of a few years—once in a while to keep track of his achievements but never once did Luhan sent him an e-mail.
“What will you do if ever we part one day?” A seventeen year-old Luhan asked while they were snuggling under the covers. It was Luhan’s birthday in a few hours, and his mama and baba let him stay in his best friend’s house which was just beside their mansion. It was a weekend and they had finished all their homeworks the day before so they were free to hang out as long as they wanted.
The question was said out of the blue that it caught Sehun off guard. “Why? Are you going back to China?” He pulled apart from Luhan, gazing at his boyfriend who was startled at his abrupt action and question.
“What? No!” Luhan exclaimed, but quickly covered his mouth upon realizing that he said it way too loud. Sehun’s room was merely separated by a thin wall from his parents’ room, and they might wake up at Luhan’s sudden outburst.
“Boys, go to sleep,” Sehun’s father groggily muttered from the other side before a snore was heard once again.
“It is your fault,” Luhan grumbled to which Sehun answered, “why are you blaming me? Who the fuck shouted anyway?”
“Who won’t be shocked?” Luhan mumbled back, slapping Sehun’s arm. “Why will I go back to China, stupid? I have no reason to do so. My family is here in Korea, idiot.”
“Then what is that question for?” Sehun inquired, pulling Luhan close to his chest again.
Luhan replied, “it is just that, I wonder if, for example, only one of us manages to get the scholarship in Seoul. What will you do?”
“If I pass and you do not, then of course, I will stay behind.”
“Are you stupid?” Luhan half-shouted, half-whispered to his best friend and lover’s ear. “Are you really throwing away your future just for me?”
Sehun frowned, not figuring out why Luhan could not fathom the obvious reason. “My future is you, Xiao Lu.”
“Cheesy,” Luhan snorted though the blush on his way said a lot about how pleased he was at the response. “But what if I am the one who passed? What will you do?”
“If that is the case then it is impossible that I won’t pass,” Sehun cheekily answered that caused a gasp to leave Luhan’s lips.
“Wow, how humble of you, Oh Sehun,” Luhan rolled his eyes at his boyfriend who was smiling smugly at him. “No need to rub it on my face that I am dumber than your smart ass.”
“You mean my smart, perky ass?” Sehun smirked, and Luhan simply clicked his tongue while shaking his head at his boyfriend’s remark. “You conceited bastard.”
Sehun cleared his throat, encircling Luhan’s lithe body with his protective arms.“Seriously speaking, Han. Of course, I am going to chase after you. I will take up multiple jobs to earn enough money just to follow you.”
Sehun planted a chaste peck on his lover’s hair, smiling to himself while nuzzling the flowery scent. “I won’t let you go away, baby. I know that I am more handsome than the men in Seoul, but who knows? Someone may charm you and steal you away from me.”
“I honestly don’t know if I should coo you and be touched.” Luhan squirmed a little, only to wrap his own arm around Sehun’s torso to pull him closer. “Duh, there will be no one to replace Oh Sehun in my life.”
Sehun gave him an unsure look, and though Luhan knew that the other was teasing him on purpose, he decided to play along. “Do you know what you are talking about? If there would be one who should worry, it should be me. You are way better than me in any aspect, Hun-ah. I am actually afraid of leaving you alone here. What if those girls who had been pining for you since we were kids suddenly have your interest?”
“I already made it clear before, right?” Sehun replied, looking deeply to Luhan’s shining orbs. “I am not interested with anybody; only with the deer of the dawn I met who I fell in love with when I was just six.”
“Shut up,” Luhan giggled, playfully smacking the other boy’s chest. There was silence, and the only sound they could hear was the rhythmical beating of their hearts. When Luhan felt himself gradually falling into slumber, Sehun suddenly spoke.
“I am worried. What if I do not become successful? What if I won’t get rich like I promised you before? Then we won’t be able to buy the whole Korea. I would not have anything to brag about once we tell your family what we really are.”
Sehun thought that the smaller teen already drifted off to sleep. He placed one last kiss on Luhan’s hair after mumbling a tiny ‘advance happy birthday, didi.’
It caught him in surprise when he heard a low mumbling coming from Luhan’s lips who was probably dreaming. The words may sound garbled due to Luhan’s occasional snores, but Sehun’s heart understood each and every word clearly. “Who needs the whole Korea… who even needs the whole China, the whole Asia… the whole wide world when I have Oh Sehun by my side? I do not care about what anyone says. All I know is that… when I have Sehunnie, I can conquer the world."
The dream seemed real, like it just happened yesterday. Sehun’s throat hurt from letting his mouth hang open as he slept, but still, the words tasted sweeter than honey on his tongue.
The moment was so surreal that Sehun felt that Luhan was still curled to his chest, only to be woken up by the truth that he was lying alone in a motel room, feeling cold, downcast, heartbroken.
Sehun looked at his left, only to see that he forgot to turn the lamp off. Probably, he fell asleep trying to remember the old times when they were still happy and contented by the simple life they once had.
“Han does not like it if I waste energy,” Sehun muttered to himself while turning it off.
It was when he closed his eyes once again that the truth unveiled itself on him.
‘Maybe this is the answer. He does not need anything else. Han does not need the world. Han does not need the moon and the stars. He only needs me... and I only need him.’