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“You’re older,” Phil says at midnight.
Dan is tired, but happy. It’s a sad kind of happy that birthday’s bring. Knowing you’re getting older, and wanting to stay the same while also wanting to progress mentally. It was a complicated thing. He’s not meant to be sad but birthdays are sometimes like that.
Dan smiles a little, thinking that he doesn’t feel different. A minute ago he was twenty-six and nine years ago he was eighteen thinking that he has his life planned out.
It’s funny how sometimes things never worked out the way that he planned. He has never been good at going along for the ride but he’s still learning that he can’t always be in control. He’ll always be learning.
“Yeah,” Dan says, letting out a breath that he didn’t know he was holding in. “I’m older.”
He has a memory of his mother who used to stay up late on the eve of his birthday. She would walk down the hall and peep her head into his room and whisper happy birthday Daniel, and she’d have a soft smile. It was bittersweet then and bittersweet now. He doesn’t wait for a text message. He knows that’ll come later in the day with the moment of free time that they have. He just likes to remember that he had something like that once, the dynamic changed after a while but he still feels that warm feeling when his mother texts him a sweet message with an i love you at the end.
Maybe they’ll go out to dinner, but maybe they’ll just get takeaway and do something else.
It’s not as big of a deal now to do something. Dan liked having a quiet birthday with a few friends. It was a day of reflection, a day to re-evaluate what he has yet to do from the beginning of the year. He knows that he’s got some things marked off from his goal list but he won’t stress about it.
There’s still time. (Phil, in the back of his mind, there’s always time.)
Phil pulls Dan in for a long kiss. His hands rests against the back of Dan’s neck, fingers tangled in his curls. It feels good to get lost in these kind of kisses, Dan doesn’t have to bother thinking about anything else, and it always feels much too soon when Phil pulls away, but he runs a hand up and down the front of his chest.
The touch still feels the same. Of course it does.
Dan thinks of all of his older friends when he was a kid, telling him that he’ll always feel a change when a birthday comes around. He thinks it’s funny how heavily that influenced his train of thought now, years and years later.
The thought pulls away from him when his phone buzzes; texts from friends back home, and a message from his brother. He reaches over to read each one. He’ll reply back in the morning. It’s his birthday after all, he can delay text messages as long as he wants, but he can’t help but smile.
Dan was human after all. Knowing that he’s thought of is enough to warm his heart just a little bit.
Phil is looking through his camera roll, he prepares for later in the day with a picture and a tweet in his drafts. Dan tries to peek what he says but he refuses to show him.
Tomorrow he’ll text his therapist about why he feels sad sometimes on his birthday. He knows there has to be some kind of reason behind it. Dan knows that the sadness doesn’t last, but it also can’t help but be there like an old friend that stops by every year. Dan’s learned to welcome it in but to never let it stay.
Phil reaches out to lace their hands in bed when he’s done. It’s a simple gesture; they don’t hold hands as much as Dan likes but he’ll be extra loved on today.
Later, Phil will buy Dan a latte and something sweet to eat and will inevitably eat half of it because that’s just how they are. Dan will rolls his eyes but be amused that no matter what Phil’s sweets will always come first, and he’s okay with it.
Phil will tell Dan happy birthday throughout the day and steal kisses when it’s safe and be brave when it’s not. Dan may not always like birthdays but Phil loves giving Dan the attention. His love language is complex and often goes unseen by many but Dan feels it deeply because he understands and takes every touch and every kiss to heart.
(Sometimes love was understanding that birthdays can hard and loving him through it anyway.)
When the lights are off Phil is halfway on top of Dan, he can listen to his heartbeat and his breathing. Dan feels a sudden calmness in his chest, maybe from Phil’s weight, maybe from thinking everything out like he always does, but he places a hand on Phil’s back.
“Happy birthday to you,” Phil quietly sings and Dan smiles looking at the moonlight from the cracks of curtains. “old man.” Phil adds with a small laugh.
Dan pokes Phil side with the fondest shut up, and it makes him squirm.
Twenty-seven was welcomed with laughter, banter, and in the arms of a man that he loved.