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People always talked about heartbreak as if it were the end of the world. They spoke of how it felt when your heart was shattered when it lay in shambles at your feet. How it made the will to live leave you so quickly.
Keith had never believed in heartbreak. His father told him stories of fairy tales and princes, princesses, curses and hearts breaking. Yet he never really liked the gooey stuff, more attracted to the action-packed adventures where the heroes won all.
When his dad died he wondered if this was what your heart breaking felt like. He stood by himself at his father's grave, only 9 years old, without a friend in the world. He didn't cry though. That was the thing, he was alone and scared and terrified, but he didn't cry. That wouldn't help anyone, it wouldn't help him. He still felt like living and fighting the world. It hurt, but he figured his heart was still whole.
The Anderson's were a really nice family. They had two kids and a dog, the mom was really pretty and nice, a teacher. The father was a doctor, strong and kind. They accepted him at first, but then they started noticing his quirks. How he scented things by rubbing by against them, and how he hissed when he got angry, sounding like a feral cat. How his eyes thinned when he was scared or upset. How kids always picked on him and he always ended up fighting them and hurting them.
Then he got into a fight at school, one of the kids had yanked on his hair and sliced some of it off, so he bit the kid. That kid had to get 7 stitches.
That night, when he came home Mr. Anderson pulled off his belt and hit him with it. Surely, Keith thought, as he grit his teeth and struggled not to scream in pain, this is what heartbreak feels like. The fair skin of his back split open and he could feel blood sliding down his skin, the sickening sent of iron making him gag.
The next week he was shuffled off to another foster home, and as he kept to himself he realized, he was fine, his back hurt like crazy, and he would have scars from it, but his heart was whole.
Then he met Shiro. Takashi Shirogane was an almost untouchable figure, the man, teenager at the time, had come into his class to talk about the Garrison. Keith merely stared out the window, knowing with his never-ending cycle of foster homes he would never get a chance to go to the Garrison. To fly like he had always dreamed.
When the rest of the class was dismissed Keith waited, knowing that if he left now the kids in his class would want to pick a fight. A fellow student walked by and sneered, knocking Keith's bag to the floor. The 13-year-old snarled, but took a calming breath and got to his knees, gathering up his stuff. A large hand gently handed him one of his books (The one on Flying for Basics) and he looked up, shocked to meet a pair of gunmetal eyes that peered into his own violet-blue with a gentleness he hadn't seen in so long.
“I noticed you weren't paying much attention during the class” Shirogane said softly, helping Keith gather his things. His voice wasn't accusing, but wondering, curious. Keith avoided eye contact and hid his face behind his bangs. “As much as I want to I'd never be able to go” he muttered zipping up his now full bag with an unnecessary fierceness.
Shirogane laughed and ducked his head a little trying to meet Keith's eyes “never say never kidd-” “it is never” Keith cut him off, baring his teeth and meeting Shirogane head on “I go through too many shitty foster homes for me to ever go” he sneered and grabbed his bag, running out of the classroom.
“Keith Kogane, please come to the principal's office, Keith Kogane” Keith grabbed his bag, ignoring the jeers and laughs thrown his way as he made his path out of the classroom. When he made it to the principal's office he found his current foster parents up there, talking to one Takashi Shirogane.
When his eyes met Shirogane's the other man's smile was blinding. He got on one knee and gently touched Keith's shoulder “how'd you like to go to the Garrison Keith?” he offered softly, his eyes tracing the contours of Keith's face.
Keith stared at the 19-year-old in shock “what?” He asked a little breathlessly. Shirogane laughed “I got permission to take you under my wing, you stay with me during the school year and I would train you, how's that sound?” Keith didn't know what to say but hesitantly agreed.
From then on it was a whirlwind, he moved all of his things into Shirogane's 'Call me Takashi!’ apartment and got his own room. The whole time he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for Shirogane to show his dark side, to hit him, scream at him, to do something that proved him just as untrustworthy and cruel as every other adult in Keith's life.
He was all goofy smiles though, waking up on Saturdays and only wearing boxers and an apron as he danced around the kitchen to ancient music and made pancakes. He made sure they always ate together for breakfast and dinner, and always checked on Keith before he went to bed.
It was reaching a point where Keith was terrified to make Shirogane angry, surely this man was just good at acting!
He finally figured Shirogane out one Wednesday morning. The 13-year-old had just gotten out of the shower and had a towel tied around his waist. When the door opened, dammit he had forgotten to lock it!
He jumped as a crashing sound was heard, the glass of water Shirogane had held was on the floor in pieces. The 19-year-old was dressed in a ratty t-shirt and boxers, clearing having just woken up.
“Keith” Shirogane breathed his voice thick with grief, his eyes alight with anger. “Who did this to you?” He demanded, walking closer. Keith flinched, wondering what Shirogane was going on about when he caught sight of his reflection. His back was a gnarly mess of jagged belt scars, burn scars and a special scar where one of his foster mothers had thrown a hot skillet full of food at him, fresh off the stove. He had nearly forgotten about them.
“A bunch of people” Keith muttered, turning so his back was away from Shirogane, he ducked his head, hiding his face beneath his bangs. This was it, Shirogane would give him back, nobody liked broken kids. Keith let out a gasp as Shirogane hugged him tightly, his muscled arms squeezing him. “I'm sorry you had to go through that, I'm sorry that the world is full of assholes, I'm sorry that it isn't fair” Shirogane whispered in his ear, the first curse Keith had ever heard him utter.
No one had ever said that to him before. No one had ever apologized, and here Shirogane-no. Takashi was, apologizing for something he hadn't even done.
Keith felt his eyes burn, something he hadn't felt since he was 5 and fell off his bike.
He hesitantly wrapped his arms around Takashi, and when the other man simply held him tighter he felt a sob crawl out of his throat. As he cried with loud wails, snot dripping from his nose and his eyes swelling up from the tears that poured down his puffy cheeks. Takashi simply held him, rubbing his back and telling him that “I've got you" “You're okay” and one especially memorable “You're home”.
And as Keith sat against Takashi Shirogane in a bathroom, glass on the floor and a thin towel around his hips, he wondered, is this how heartbreak felt? But after he cried and cried, Takashi simply petting his hair and rubbing his back, he felt lighter, his chest felt warm. He leaned his head against Takashi’s shoulder and let out shuddering gasps and weak hiccups, Takashi wiped his tear-swollen cheeks with a soft hand and merely held him close. No, Keith figured, this wasn't heartbreak, this was warm and safe.
Keith and Takashi, Shiro in public, grew together. They trained together and flew together and when Keith heard that Shiro was going on the Kerberos mission with their friend Matt he was so happy for Shiro. The man had waited for all his life for this and who was he to stop him?
Shiro had held him so tightly before he left, nose buried in his hair and his arms warm and safe. Keith hugged back just as fierce, feeling something warm curl in his veins. “Come back safe” he muttered, pulling back to look into Shiro’s warm eyes. Shiro’s eyes were lidded, full of something Keith couldn't place. He opened his mouth to say something but clearly thought better of it “I promise” he swore, leaning down to press chapped lips against Keith's forehead.
Keith watched him go, wondering why his heart was beating so fast, he pressed his fingertips to the spot where Shiro kissed and smiled.
“Come back safe”
“I promise”
“I promise”
“I promise”
“You fucking promised!” Keith spat at the picture of Shiro on his wall. He let loose a loud scream and gripped the shelf in his room giving it a rough push and watching as it crashed to the ground, nicknacks he and Shiro had collected over the years shattered, he fell to his knees and gripped his hair roughly, screaming at the top of his lungs. It hurt. It hurt.
No more Shiro. No more warm smiles and comforting hugs. No more movie nights and Taco Tuesdays. No more laughing as Shiro cursed in Japanese when he was frustrated, no more dancing with him in the kitchen every Saturday. No more gray eyes, no more smiles, no more warm hands, no more kind words. No more Shiro!!!
Keith wondered, as he lay in that floor surrounded by glass and shattered trinkets, if this is what a broken heart felt like. But as he discovered the Garrison was hiding something about the crash, as he permanently blinded Iverson in one eye when he talked bad about Shiro, as he was expelled for finding out it wasn't a Pilot error. He knew Shiro was still out there.
He could feel it in his bones. He wasn't heartbroken, he was determined to find his heart. For surely it had left with Shiro.
Finding Shiro was everything, in the privacy in his own shack, in the back room away from the others and with a moment to breath. He clung to Shiro, shivering and shaking, dampness behind his eyes. “You promised” Keith whispered bitterly, his cheek pressed to Shiro's chest. Calloused fingers gently grabbed his chin and made him look up. Damn those warm eyes that made him melt.
“I'm sorry I broke my promise Keith” Shiro whispered, pressing his lips to Keith's forehead and holding them there. Keith closed his eyes and after a moment pulled away, flinging his arms around Shiro's neck and squeezing him tightly as he balanced on his toes “don't you ever leave me again” he ordered. Shiro gave a soft laugh, nuzzling his face into Keith's hair, “...yes Sir.”
Running. He was running so fast, so fucking fast. “Shiro!!” He cried, his voice ragged and desperate, he swung himself around the black lion's leg and stepped in, seeing the empty chair his knees gave out, ignoring the shocked cries around him he twisted his fingers in his hair and gave a scream, scaring the other paladins and Allura.
“Not again! Not again! Please no!” He begged, his voice raw. He vaguely felt the warm bodies against his, Pidge, Lance, and Hunk hugging him tightly, all of them crying.
“Keith” Allura’s voice was grief-stricken, he shot his head up to look at her, and whatever she saw in his eyes made her falter, her lip trembled and a tear slid down her face “oh Keith” she breathed, kneeling and hugging him too.
Keith wondered, surely, this deep agony running through his bones, surely this is what heartbreak felt like.
Soon after, he began searching, his heart wasn't broken, it was missing again. It had taken some thinking but Keith had finally realized, Shiro was his heart. And right now Keith's main concern was finding his heart yet again, for no one could live without their heart.
Shiro was back. He was safe, Keith's heart was safe. Yet, in the privacy of Shiro's own room, Takashi, the man he knew wasn't the same. “You broke your promise again” Keith whispered softly, leaning up to wrap his arms around Shiro tightly. Shiro hugged back as best he could from his sitting position “I'm sorry Keith” he muttered softly, and Keith closed his eyes, pulling back and ready to accept the soft kiss on his forehead, the thing that he had gotten used to Shiro giving him as an apology and as a goodbye. “Keith? You okay?” Shiro asked and the 18-year-olds eyes flew open, he blinked groggily and hesitantly nodded “M'fine” he whispered before standing up. His chest hurt.
When Shiro kept pushing him away, getting angrier and angrier with him. Yelling at him in private, Keith felt his heart quiver, maybe this time it would truly break. he decided that before Shiro could push him away forever, he would leave.
As he left, he couldn't help but wonder if this was heartbreak, because after all, Shiro hadn't stopped him from leaving, which is all Keith had truly wanted.
As he fought and trained and lived and won he realized his heart was not broken, simply banged up. With some time it would be fine.
Meeting his mother was a stressful situation, but then they spent two years together. Two years of her seeing his memories and him seeing hers. Many times she had clung to him after watching a particularly brutal memory of his, and he to her. Offering each other the comfort they both craved. They had both cried many times during those two years, both had broken down, but ultimately it was the thing that brought them closer.
“Shiro” he begged, his voice wrecked. “I know you're in there, you made a promise once, you told me you'd never give up on me” Keith was begging, not wanting to fight Shiro, Takashi. Whoever this was, the man he was in love with.
“And I should've abandoned you, just like your parents did!” He sneered, the hateful words spilling from his lips, like pure filth.
Keith felt his heart quiver but stood strong, pleading with his eyes “They saw that you were broken, worthless” Keith's heart leapt to his throat but he shook off, his feelings, his well-being didn't matter. All that mattered was Shiro.
“I should've seen it too”
They fought, and oh how Keith wanted it to stop, would've begged anyone, anything for it to stop. He just wanted his Shiro. His Takashi back.
He crawled, trying to reach his sword, it was so freaking close, yet so far. Every inch of his body ached but he tried, he had to, for Shiro.
He struggled to keep Shiro's sword at Bay, the heat of the blade licking at his skin “Shiro please” he begged, his voice so raw. “You're my brother” he tried, but that had never felt right, never felt like the right word, because Shiro was so much more. So much more that Keith could never put it into words. Shiro was his everything.
Admitting something he never had the guts to, tears welling up behind his eyes “I love you” he breathed, his voice wretched. The older man flinched back, his face softening before becoming more desperate, angrier.
“Just let go Keith” he urged, “you don't have to fight anymore” he assured, pressing the blade harder.
Keith cut off his arm, and at that moment, when Shiro whispered his name in a timid voice, just before everything exploded in a fiery ball of pain. He knew. He realized, this is exactly what a broken heart feels like.
Nevertheless, he held onto Shiro, he would never let him go. If he had to let Shiro go, then Keith would go with him. As his sword slid through the metal like it was hot butter he remembered every moment with Shiro, every laugh, every smile, every kiss on the forehead and comforting hug.
As they fell, Keith realized his heart was truly broken, shattered into a million pieces, left among the debris around them. He closed his eyes and pulled Shiro to him, curling around the older man the best he could. He was fully ready to die once again.
His eyes shot open and he clutched Shiro closer as he realized, yes, his heart may ache, and he may be fine with falling to his doom, but Shiro deserved better, and he would never give up on Shiro. Never.
Shiro was back, it was well and truly him. The white hair was new, however, and Keith gently ran his fingers through it as he sat by Shiro's makeshift bed in the black lion.
It was almost 4 weeks after he had returned, he had been conscious at intervals but still slept often, saying the clone's memories and his were merging, and Keith hated to know that Shiro would soon find out what the clone had done to him.
His heart was here, in front of him, but it was so fucking broken, his chest ached and he felt like flinging himself into space without a helmet on. He felt Shiro's hair tickle his fingers and realized his hands were shaking. He pulled them away from Shiro and placed the trembling appendages against his chest, after a moment he felt the tears start sliding down his cheeks. A sob escaped his throat before he quickly muffled it. He ducked his head and curled in on himself, feeling more helpless and broken then he ever had before. He wept into his hands, wanting nothing more than to punch and kick and tear at something with his teeth, but at the same time wanted nothing more than to curl up and sleep, never to move again.
A gentle hand on his wrist made him jump, he looked up tears streaming down his now swollen cheeks and found Shiro staring at him with sorrow and worry.
“Sorry” Keith got out, wiping his face with one hand and trying to wriggle his other out of Shiro's grip “did I wake you?” He asked thickly. Shiro still kept staring at him, his thumb rubbing circles on the inside of Keith's wrist. “Shiro?” Keith asked worriedly, wondering if the other man was okay.
“Keith” Shiro breathed, and Keith felt his breath hitch “come here, please” Shiro's tone was pleading, so Keith got up and carefully sat next to Shiro on the taller man's cot.
“I'm sorry” before Keith could say anything Shiro was gently tracing the scar on Keith's face. The older man's eyes were full of a gentleness that he had missed greatly. “None of what that clone said is true” Shiro's hand slid down to cup his cheek, and he leaned down to press a gentle kiss on the new scar “you're not worthless, you're amazing, you're wonderful, talented, smart, brave, so beautifully stubborn” Keith gave a wet laugh here “and I am so insanely in love with you" Keith's face turned red and his eyes flew open in shock “you are?” He wheezed, tears welling in his eyes again. Shiro rubbed his cheek “I really am Keith” he promised and Keith flung himself at Shiro, their lips connected and he gasped into the kiss. Shiro's arm tangled its fingers into Keith's hair pulling gently as they kissed passionately, desperately.
Keith held onto both sides of Shiro's face, swinging one leg over Shiro's lap to straddle him and kissed him harder. Shiro laughed into the kiss before pulling away, sucking kisses and licks and bites into Keith's neck.
The former red paladin released a tiny moan as Shiro bit the sensitive spot behind his ear “Takashi” he breathed and he felt Shiro's grip tighten in his hair “good god I love you” Shiro murmured against the bruising skin. “I love you too” Keith breathed and as they kissed again Keith realized.
Ah, this is what it felt like to be loved in return. This is what it felt like to have someone use gentle hands to slowly put his heart back together.
Keith loved Shiro, Shiro loved Keith. Keith was heartbroken and Shiro was hurt. But together? They would be just fine.
~Fin