Work Text:
Raid on Rose’s
---turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering twinArmageddons [TA]---
TG: hey captain bifocals get your ass online
TA: oh great, and ju2t what diid ii do two de2erve this abu2e twoday?
TG: you my friend have the obscene privilege of being the second invitee to a little plan i have in the works for tonight
TG: see what I did there
TG: even made sure to feed that 2 fetish you have and made you the second person i asked.
TG: so are you in or not?
TA: iif you’d 2hut the fuck up for two gog damned seconds, maybe you’d fiind out nookwhiif!
TA: beesiides, ii wa2 bu2y talkiing wiith KK
TA: 2iince you two are 2o tiight the2e days, ii figured iit wa2 a 2afe bet that you a2ked him fiirst.
TG: nah
TG havent had the chance to get shouty mcnubs on the schedule yet, but hes next
TG: so are you in?
TA: you 2tiill haven’t told me what the fuck you’re a2king me to help you with!!!
TA: get your 2hiit 2traiightened out before bothering tho2e of us wiith actual 2hiit to do!
TA: FUCK!
TA: now there’2 TWO of you 2tupid a22holes gettiing on my bulge about random hoofbea2t 2hiit! Did you two plan thii2?!
TG: no shit
TG: is Egbert hitting you up???
TG: dont leave me hanging in suspense here
TG: thats the worst place to be left hanging
TG: unless you were to dress up like a magical girl holding a ninjago in one hand and a smuppet in the other and suspend yourself over dirk
TA: ii’m 2eriiou2ly about two get out of my chaiir and come down there two kick your a22… matter of fact, ii don’t even need two get up.
TA: ii’ll ju2t p2iioniically launch a fridge at your face.
TG: anyway i could have sworn that hed be 2 scandalized by my rambunctious proposition 2 do more than freeze in place and cry
TG: ill have 2 give him some mad props when i see him.
TA: 2TOP THAT!
TA: quiit 2tealiing my quiirk!
TG: whos stealing? im just borrowing a nifty typing shortcut from my good bipolar friend in a show of camaraderie
TG: now iif ii were to 2teal your whole typiing quiirk iitd probably look liike thii2
TG: whiich ii gotta 2ay ii2 a huge paiin iin my a22
TG: … you know this would go a lot easier on you if you just gave me an answer
TG: are you down with my brilliant and egbert tier mischief making plan or not???
TA: FIINE! Ju2t 2hut the fuck up already!
TG: awesome
TG: meet up in the living room in three hours
TG: wear something stealthy
TA: whatever, ju2t get your 2tupiid handle off my 2creen.
TG: whoops
TG: my bad dude
TG: i meant to say 2tealthy
TA: AHHHHH!!!
---turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA]---
===> BE THE KNIGHT OF TIME…
You are now the one and only Dave Strider, leaning back in his desk chair, allowing himself a smirk of approval as he listens to the frustrated screams of a particularly easy to provoke Troll.
His master plan is well underway, and if he could just get Vantas on board, then everything should go off without a hitch.
Well, Vantas and John, but Egderp is no trouble at all. He just needed to throw out the bait and his friend would surely come snapping… probably dragging his Troll boyfriend into it and saving him the trouble of having to read another Vantas grade bitchrant.
“… I need to spend less time around spider bitch…” he comments to himself, lifting up his shades to rub the bridge of his nose. “Starting to think things like ‘throw out the bait’…”
The resident cool kid is interrupted from his existential monologue (thankfully) by a notification popping up on his Pesterchum.
---ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]---
EB: dave… why did you just bug sollux? you know he hates you, and you know he can crash your computer in a heartbeat…
TG: while you do make an excellent point there
TG: you seem to forget that he hates me
TG: do we need to have another discussion about trolls and their weird hate romance thing???
EB: please don’t. you make things really awkward when you do, and then i feel weird.
EB: and then me and karkat have to have a talk that just pisses him off, and then i have to sleep on the couch.
TG: sounds like you got some marital issues to work out then bro
TG: allow me to help
EB: please no…
TG: you see
EB: stop
TG: when a troll hates someone with every fiber of their being
TG: they go out and find a nice bucket
TG: with this bucket they will puke out multicolor troll jizz
EB: oh gog, you are not going to stop, are you?
TG: cant stop the train of knowledge bro
TG: you bought your ticket and it has been punched by conductor dave strider
EB: i think i got on the wrong train.
TG: no way bro
TG: there is only the one strider express and youve got a first class ticket
EB: can we please stop with the train metaphor and just talk for a minute about why you want my help with something that will probably get us all killed by the girls?
TG: i am shocked egbert
TG: if anyone has reason to get in on this then its you
TG: don’t you watch movies with this exact same story line all the time???
TG: or has vantas been slacking on his duty of enhancing your atrocious taste in cinema?
EB: no, karkat has been very good about making me sit down and watch more of his movies, but this is such a bad idea that i think it goes beyond the normal scope of stupid things you talk me into helping you with.
TG: bro
TG: …
TG: i cannot stress how important you are to this plan
TG: you are the chosen one
TG: the neo to my spock
EB: … you mean kirk? Or morpheus?
TG: i know what i meant john
TG: and im so serious right now that if i were any more serious id either have a heart attack or turn into vantas
TG: possibly both
EB: well, if you really need my help that badly… i mean, it is kind of funny… and i could set up some other pranks while we are there i suppose…
TG: thats the spirit
TG: now meet up in the living room in about three hours from now your time
TG: bring your hammer just in case
TG: and something thats not your usual shade of bright fucking blue
EB: yeah, okay dave.
turntechGodhead ceased pestering ectoBiologist
EB: … oh boy… i really hope doesn’t blow up in our faces… :(
---ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]---
===> BE THE HEIR OF BREATH
You are now John Egbert, enjoying a nice day outside on your new home planet. Well, yours and the Trolls… after finishing the game and killing Lord English, you were rewarded by the Horrorterrors with your own brand spanking new universe, provided you shared with the other players. So far things had been relatively peaceful, and the planet had been created as a nice mixture of Earth and what Karkat told him was Beforus (which was like, Alternia 1.0 or something).
Anyway, once all the attempted killings blew over, most of the kids and Trolls went their own ways, but there were some who decided to stick together for one reason or another. And speaking of sticking together…
“Hey Karkat, what do you think I should do?” he asked, turning to his matesprit palhoncho-in-arms.
“I think you should stop having moronic conversations with Strider on your asinine human chat program and then fucking expect me to magically know whatever bulge sucking debate you two have just had and force me into a potentially auspisticific relationship between your two collective wastes of precious resources.”
“… So you think I should do it then?” John replied, snapping out of his rant induced daze and tilting his head in confusion.
“…How you managed to survive to God-Tier and actually be useful is beyond my comprehension. Now let me spell this out for you, you incomprehensible nookstain… I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT YOU’RE ASKING ME ABOUT!” Karkat responded, his face flushing a slight red in the dusk light as he tried not to pummel his palhoncho matesprit with a nearby tree limb. He loved the pitiable human, yes, but sometimes he could feel a very real grip of pitch black loathing rear its head inside his vascular pump.
“Oh! Right! Dave wants me to come along with him tonight to play a… well, not really a prank so much, but definitely a something, on the girls…”
“And why would he need your help? Aren’t we talking about the guy who can literally loop back to the same point in time often enough to have himself a small army of self gratifying asshats, all spouting the kind of slam poetry that would have better Trolls than him mercy culled?”
“Well, yeah, but this ‘prank’ is kind of a thing from Earth that folks our age would do, and he IS my bro, so i want to help… but i really don’t want to get in trouble, and this kinda crosses a few lines…”
“Look, the worst that could happen is that you get killed in the process, and as long as you haven’t done anything that will make your death just or heroic, then you’ll recover. And as much as I hate to say it, if he’s going to be doing something so stupid that it gives YOU pause, then at least you have the wisdom gained from years of stupidity.” Karkat said, cutting his companion off and softening the perpetual glare he wore.
“Well, if you think so… I also didn’t want you to freak out because I’ll be missing movie night tonight if I go with him.” John responded, nodding and smiling at Karkat’s answer.
“What?!” the Troll said, the glare back in full force and focused entirely on John’s soft, squishy human face. “Strider’s not only dragging you into one of his bullshit plans, but he’s doing it at the expense of OUR DATE NIGHT!!!”
“Um… Karkat… you’re squeezing my hand really hard…” John said, his smile growing a bit worried as he felt the yellow claws sinking into his hand. “And I thought we agreed that it wasn’t really a ‘date night’…”
“Shut the fuck up Egbert, you know damn well what it is, and if we’re gonna be in a gog damned flushed quadrant together, then we’re gonna have a fucking date night! Now I have been looking forward to watching Rent with you all week, and there is no way some bulge breath like Strider is gonna toss a nut tightening device into the cogs of my plans!” he ranted, his face turning a deep red that might have gotten him mistaken for a rust blood if anyone cared anymore, his free hand whipping his crabtop out of his sylladex and pulling up the Trollian program, fingers already flying over the keys as his grip tightened even more around John’s.
---carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]---
CG: ALRIGHT NOOK SNIFFER, WHAT’S THE FUCKING IDEA BEHIND DRAGGING MY MATESPRIT INTO ANOTHER OF YOUR FUCKED UP PLANS ON OUR DATE NIGHT?!
TG: holy shit
TG: if it isnt the one and only karkat vantas come to grace me with his eloquent presence
TG: what ever did i do to deserve such a high honor???
CG: YOU KNOW DAMN WELL ASS MUNCH!
CG: NOW ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION BEFORE I FIGURE OUT A WAY TO FUCKING TELEPORT BACK TO THE HOUSE AND BEAT YOU WITH THE PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION OF MY BURNING HOT PLATONIC HATRED WHILE GETTING SOLLUX TO WIPE YOUR COMPUTER OF EVERY SHITTY COMIC YOU HOLD DEAR AND POUR OUT ALL OF YOUR SO-CALLED ‘AJ’!
TG: whoa there bro
TG: no need to threaten the aj
TG: now just calm your troll tits and hear me out
CG: YOU KNOW TROLLS DON’T HAVE THOSE USELESS VESTIGIAL TABS OF SKIN!
TG: from what i hear when you and my best bro are in bed together though you do have something that is just as much fun to play with
CG: GUESS WHAT THIS CONVERSATION IS ABOUT!? NOT FUCKING THAT! NOW QUIT STALLING AND TELL ME WHAT YOU HAVE PLANNED THAT COULD POSSIBLY CAUSE JOHN TO MISS THE PERFECTION THAT IS RENT JUST BECAUSE YOUR HEAD IS SHOVED SO FAR UP YOUR NOOK THAT YOU CAN SEE YOUR BLOOD PUSHER PUMPING SWORDS OR CROWS OR WHATEVER THE FUCK IRONIC WANNABE COOL KIDS HAVE INSIDE OF THEM.
TG: okay dude
TG: relax
TG: bring the level down a bit
TG: didnt realize i was gonna be interrupting movie date night but i do need john to come with me
TG: matter of fact im bringing the bee troll too and hopefully you too
TG: no pressure or anything
TG: but itll let you and john still spend time together and learn some of earths old customs
CG: AND WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT TO LEARN SOME MORE OF YOUR OLD PLANET’S BACKWARDS HABITS?
CG: AND WHILE WE’RE ON THE SUBJECT, QUIT ACTING LIKE THE CULTURAL EXPERT ON ALL THINGS ALIEN AND TROLL. I FOUND JOHN LOOKING UNDER MY SIDE OF THE BED FOR SOMETHING CALLED A ‘WET DREAM SPONGE’…
TG: oh holy shit
TG: i didnt think hed actually check for one
TG: thats fucking funny as shit comedy gold right there bro
TG: you dont even know
TG: but yeah
TG: come with john tonight and youll see what everythings about
CG: … THIS BETTER BE GOOD STRIDER. YOU”RE ON THIN ICE AFTER RECORDING YOUR SHITTY MINIATURE HORSE SHOW OVER ONE OF MY COPIES OF ALTERNIAN ‘HITCH’…
TG: how many times do i have to tell you that that was dirk before you let it go???
CG: YOUR SUB PAR THINK PAN CAN’T EVEN REGISTER THE NUMBER IN A COHERENT SENSE, SO I’M NOT GOING TO WASTE MY TIME TRYING TO ESPLAIN IT TO YOU.
TG: yeah whatever man
TG: im out
TG: got shit to plan and things to do
---turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]---
“…… Wow… Karkat, you’ve got that little vein popping out again and it’s moving in time with your eye twitch…” John comments in your ear.
“Egbert. Shut the fuck up for two seconds or I am liable to try and decapitate you out of sheer blinding frustration and stupidity…”
“Well then maybe you shouldn’t be so stupid.” Egbert replied, giggling and smiling his adorkable buck toothed grin.
“Was that an attempt at a burn Egbert?” Vantas growled, narrowing his eyes and smiling viciously, “…I just might be able to teach you something yet…” Karkat said finally, leaning in quickly and kissing the surprised human before he could try and run away. “Now if only we could get you to stop watching some of that Earth trash and enjoy something a bit more classy instead, then I might be able to introduce you to others without worrying about potential disasters.”
“You’ll never take me alive!” John crowed, blushing bright red from the kiss and jumping into the sky, the wind propelling him like a kite as his matesprit palhoncho cussed up a storm and chased him from below on foot.
===> GET ON WITH IT!
“Gentlemen, tonight we embark on our most dangerous adventure yet…” Strider said, pacing in front of the living room couch while wearing a 3 star general’s helmet. All while the eyes of two particularly grumpy Trolls and one not-so-particularly attentive buck toothed human watched him. “You see, tonight is the first time in over a year that the girls will all be out of their house. And tonight, in their absence, we will go on…”
“Get on with it Sthtrider!” Sollux heckled from the couch, glaring out from behind his red and blue glasses, sparks of psionic energy crackling around him as he endured the showy wannabe general’s presence.
“I’m pausing for dramatic tension code humper… now, as I was saying. Tonight we will embark on that most sacred of bro related traditions, and shall venture out into the harsh and unforgiving cover of night for…… a panty raid!”
“A what?” Sollux and Karkat asked, nonplussed as Egbert turned an Aradia-like shade of rust red.
“A panty raid, for those of us with nubby horns and nubby lisps, sorry, lithpth… is when we, as men, break into the living quarters of some fine as fuck ladies of repute, and abscond with the frilly silken under linens of aforementioned ladies…” Dave explained, smirking at his audience, enjoying the look of confusion on the troll’s faces.
“… Why?” Sollux finally asked, looking genuinely curious at the idea.
“Why? Because it is a rite of passage for all men and an honor on par with falling in battle as you sacrifice yourself to destroy a foe greater than any you can imagine… and because there’s no fucking way that anyone besides myself has had the privilege of touching said undies while they were actually on a scrumptious rump.”
“That’s so fucking asinine that I honestly can’t articulate the sheer amount of hoofbeastshit I can see you burying yourself in the more you speak… I’m assuming I’m correct in believing that this is also a convenient way for a fuckass like yourself to actually go out and explore some possible black and redrom vaccilation at the expense of our safety and sanity. Because we all fucking know that Harley alone will make your life hell for trying this hoofbeastshit, nevermind the other girls. Besides, don’t you humans have family ties or something? And the Rose human is your ‘sister’, right?” Karkat responded, standing up and getting in Dave’s face, glaring up into the same reflective shades that were perpetually perched on the Knight of Time’s freckled face.
“Yeah Dave, Rose and Jade will both kill us if we do this, and Kanaya will use her chainsaw if we bug Rose, and Terezi and Vriska almost definitely have traps in their room… remember the time I almost fell into the viper pit when I went to hide easter eggs around their house?”
“You didn’t have me with you bro. Besides I already went ahead and did it once alone, but this time I want to open up the adventure to all of us… well, all of us except for Tavros… his big ass horns will probably set off some of the alarms without him even knowing.” Dave countered, holding up a piece of paper for the others to see. “And I already have the attack plans made, safety checked by my own two hands about two hours from now to prevent any accidents caused by an overreactive psychic, the walking derp, and a guy so pissy that if he complains too much he’ll turn into a yellow puddle… Now suit up boys, we leave in an hour and a half.”
Having said his peace, Dave flash stepped right out of the room, absconding to parts unknown, leaving the badly scribbled plans lying on the ground for the other incredulous tenets of the shared domicile to gawk at.
“…We’re not theriouthly going to do thith, are we?” Sollux asked looking between Karkat and John in turn.
===>
---twinArmageddons [TA] has joined memo rose_raid---
TA: gog damniit… how the fuck diid you tool2 talk me iintwo thii2 agaiin?!
CG: CAN IT SOLLUX, I’M IN THIS SHIT TOO… AND I ALREADY TOLD YOU, WE MAY HATE HIS VERY ESSENCE SOMETIMES, BUT THERE’S NO FUCKING WAY WE’RE LETTING STRIDERP TRY THIS HALF ASSED HOPBEAST BRAINED SCHEME WITHOUT EITHER HELPING BAIL HIS BULGE OUT, OR SITTING BACK TO LAUGH, WHICHEVER COMES FIRST.
TA: ii hate hii2 very e22ence ALL the time KK, you know thii2…
EB: yeah sollux, you saw his “plan”
EB: there is no way we can let him try this alone
EB: i mean, you can’t really hate crush on him if he gets killed, now can you?
TA: ii don’t hate him like that!
CG: YOU TOTALLY DO, NOW SHUT UP AND DO YOUR JOB WITH THE SECURITY SYSTEM ON THE FRONT DOOR!
TA: fuck off KK, ii’ve had thii2 2hiit handled for the la2t ten miinute2 whiile you and egbert were haviing your 2tupiid mu2hy talk about makiing up twoniight2 moviie.
EB: oh wow… you heard that from all the way over there?
CG: OF COURSE HE DID NOOKWHIFF, OUR HELMETTOPS HAVE MICROPHONES, AND YOURS HAS BEEN BLINKING ON THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME!
EB: oh, so does that mean that when i went to the bathroom you all…
CG: YES. WE HEARD EVERYTHING. SOMETIMES I WONDER IF YOU’RE ACTUALLY PULLING THIS STUPID SHIT ON PURPOSE AS SOME SHODDY DISPLAY OF ATTEMPTED BLACKROM. THEN AGAIN, IF IT WEREN’T FOR YOUR PITIABLY SAD BLUNDERING ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE, I’D PROBABLY TRY AND CULL MYSELF OUT OF THINKPAN ROTTING CONFUSION.
CG: YOUR SCREW UPS ARE SO LEGENDARY AND SO CONSISTENT, THAT THEY HAVE NOW BECOME A PART OF MY ACCEPTED LIST OF UNIVERSAL CONSTANTS, RIGHT NEXT TO NICK CAGE SUCKING MASSIVE BULGE, AND TROLL WILL SMITH BEING THE SNARKIEST AND MOST EFFECTIVE THRESHOCUTIONER TO EVER GRACE THE WORLD.
EB: and like that, my headset is going off…
TA: KK, iif you don’t 2hut the fuck up and quiit tryiing to mack on your mate2priit whiile ii can HEAR AND READ EVERYTHIING, ii will gauge my eye2 out wiith a piink-and-2our-fruit 2poon.
TG: you ladies ready to breach the hole???
TA: and now there’2 THII2 a22hole!
TG: sup sollux
TG: glad to see that youre enamored with my very presence yet again
TA: ii’ll cull you yet, you iin2ufferable bulge tea2iing nook2taiin!
CG: SHIT SOLLUX, AND YOU’RE GETTING ON ME AND JOHN FOR OUR PUBLIC DISPLAY OF FLUSHED FEELINGS, AND HERE YOU’RE PRACTICALLY TRYING TO CALIGINOUSLY PAIL THE WORLD’S LEADING SOURCE OF IRONY OVER CHAT.
EB: heheheh, yeah sollux, get a room why don’t you?
CG: SPEAKING OF ROOMS, CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHERE THE FUCK WE EVEN ARE? IT’S LIKE HARLEY BARFED UP HER SPACE POWERS ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE AND THE INSIDE OF THIS FUCKING MANSIONHIVE IS BIG ENOUGH TO LOSE GL’BGOLYB, SPIDERMOM, AND GOATDAD IN THE MAIN ROOM JUST OFF THE ENTRANCE HALL ALONE.
EB: uh, karkat… that would be called the living room.
TA: who the fuck even care2?!
CG: WELL RIGHT FUCKING NOW, I DO! OR DID YOU FORGET THAT WE’RE IN THE HIVE OF FOUR GOD-TIERS, A NOOSE HAPPY LEGISLATURATOR IN TRAINING WHO CAN SMELL TRESPASSERS FASTER THAN TAVROS CAN RUN FROM A FIGHT, AND A RAINBOW DRINKER WHO’S PROVED ON MULTIPLE OCCASSIONS THAT SHE’S PERFECTLY FINE USING EVEN HER OWN MATESPRIT FOR A MEAL WHEN SHE’S A BIT HUNGRY!?
TG: wow karkat
TG: stress out much???
TG: look dudes
TG: its really simple
TG: did you follow the map i gave you???
EB: dave, your map was a badly drawn box labeled house, and six random arrows that said ‘rooms’… that is not very helpful for breaking and entering.
TA: for once, egbert’2 riight.
TA: you 2aiid that you’d done thii2 before, 2o why diidn’t you take picture2 or do 2omethiing el2e that would have been u2eful?!
TG: well excuse me for not knowing that the girls like to rearrange their house spontaneously
TG: at least no ones run into any of the landmines i found the last time i was here
CG: … I AM GOING TO BEAT YOUR SMUG FACE INTO A CHEERY RED BLOODY PULP WITH THE WRINKLEFUCKER ONCE WE GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE…
TG: hey dude shut the fuck up for a minute
TG: ……
TG: i know everyones kind of spread out in here
TG: but did anyone else just hear
TG: laughter???
TA: nah. Iit’2 ju2t your iimagiinatiion 2triider.
TA: 2weet!
TA: ii found jade’2 room!
TG: careful bro
TG: somethings different this time around
TA: yeah, iit’2 the fact that you ju2t realii2ed what a riidiiculou2 twool you are.
CG: ACTUALLY SOLLUX, I THINK HE MIGHT BE ONTO SOMETHING… ME AND JOHN JUST SPLIT UP, AND I FOUND TEREZI’S ROOM FINALLY. I’M ASSUMING IT’S HERS ANYWAY, GIVEN THE MIGRAINE INDUCING USE OF NEON PAINTS AND CRUDELY SCRIBBLED CERRIES…
EB: uhhh, i found vriska’s room… it wasn’t that far from where Terezi has her room, but it is a good thing i do not die easily.
EB: it almost seems like she set her room up to keep any non-god-tier people away…
EB: i had to dodge a pendulum blade, navigate a razor wire spider web maze, and almost fell into a pit that seemed to lead to an underground cavern… :(
CG: DEFINITELY SPIDERBITCH. SEEMS LIKE JADE TALKED HER DOWN THOUGH. FROM WHAT I HEAR, VRISKA’S ORIGINAL PLANS CALLED FOR A FULL OUT LABYRINTH AND POISON DARTS EMBEDDED.
TG: damn egbert
TG: you sure do seem to attract crazy
TG: first its a crazy sociopathic spider obsessed murderer
TG: and now youre dating vantas
CG: FUCK YOUR FUCKING SMARMY ASS FACE STRIDER! I’M A GOG DAMNED CATCH AND EGBERT IS LUCKY TO HAVE ME AND I’M LUCKY TO HAVE HIM! IF YOU DON’T STOP TALKING SHIT THEN I WILL FIND YOU AND RAM YOUR SWORD STRAIGHT DOWN YOUR SLIME COATED PROTEIN SHOOT UNTIL YOU CAN SEE STRAIGHT THROUGH WITHOUT NEEDING AN X-RAY!
EB: awww, that was really sweet karkat :) except for the whole ‘running dave through with his own sword’ threatening part…
TA: ii found the loot biitche2!
TA: fiir2t blood goes to 2ollux ‘lu2u2-fuckiing’ captor!
TA: and damn… are you human2 2ure that there’2 a difference between our 2peciie2’2?
TA: ii mean, thii2 underwear look2 a lot liike the kind that troll2 wear… except for the bark bea2t priint2 all over the 2tupiid thiing2… oooh, and there’2 even a 2et that ha2 the 2iign2 for all you human2 on them…
TG: dude turn your mic on right fucking now
TG: same goes for everyone
EB: but why dave?
TG: just do it egbert
TG: i think things might be different this time around
CG: THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN NOW, YOU TIME JUMPING TWIT?
TG: i mean that the girls might not actually be gone
TG: they might actually be in the house with us
EB: i think i will be good without my mic on dave :)
EB: since i don’t have anyone to talk to, i am being really quiet…
EB: hey cool! I found Vriska’s underwear trunk!
TG: trunk???
TG: and bullshit you can be quiet
TG: i just heard your excited squeal of delight from across the fucking house
EB: oh shut up dave, you cannot…
EB: as for the trunks, well, it looks like she has all of her stuff in different chests and trunks… the stuff that is not in a pile or scattered around that is.
EB: she is seriously going to hurt herself stepping on all these dice…
TA: diid anyone thiink two bring a bag for our ‘loot’?
TG: just grab what you can and run dude
TG: ive got a bad feeling
TG: granted my bad feeling comes to me by way of a note one of my future selves left that just says run in all caps
TG: okay thats it
TG: everyone check in with their status
EB: i am trying to pick a pair of underwear to steal that vriska will not miss, and hunt me down for later.
CG: I’M DOING FINE ON MY END. STILL NOT SURE WHAT TO DO WITH THESE BLINDINGLY HORRIFIC ORGIES OF COLOR THAT TEREZI CALLS UNDERWEAR THOUGH…
TA: ii ju2t deciided two wear them… ii mean, iit’2 not that diiferent from what we’ve got on now, riight KK?
EB: wait, seriously?
EB: boy trolls wear panties?
CG: WE DON’T CALL THEM PANTIES NOOKWHIFF, AND IT’S NOT LIKE THERE’S THAT MUCH DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MALES AND FEMALES ON ALTERNIA ANYWAY, SO IT’S MORE of A UNIVERSAL UNDERGARMENT TO HELP PREVENT YOUR BULGE FROM GETTING AWAY FROM YOU AT THE WRONG TIME.
TG: wow karkat
TG: im legitimately curious now… what does it actually look like down there?
TA: are you 2eriiou2ly goiing two a2k about our bulge2 riight now 2triider?
TA: bee2iide2, haven’t you and TZ paiiled yet?
TG: wow thollux
TG: rude much???
TG: as it so happens i am saving my purity for marriage
TG: and i cant even browse for porn because of all the smuppet ads
CG: WOW,THAT SOUNDS SO TERRIBLE. BY THE WAY STRIDER, WHILE I’M MORE OKAY THAN I USED TO BE WITH THE IDEA OF YOU AND TEREZI IN A RED QUADRANT, COULD YOU RESTRAIN YOURSELF FROM TALKING ABOUT IT SO BLATANTLY? EVERY TIME YOU DO, I CAN FEEL MY BILE SAC CLENCH AN THREATEN TO BRING FORTH A SEETHING RAGE DOWN ON YOUR HEAD BY WAY OF MY SICKLE IN YOUR EYE SOCKET.
TG: john could you please restrain e.t. from making an idiot out of himself again???
TG: …
TG: john???
TA: hey egderp, are you 2tiill there?
CG: JOHN?
---ectoBiologist [EB] has left memo rose_raid---
CG: SHIT!
TG: okay guys
TG: new plan
TG: grab what you got and run like hell
---twinArmageddons [TA] has left memo rose_raid---
TG: uh oh
---twinArmageddons [TA] has joined memo rose_raid---
TA: oh i wouldn’t worry about doing that dave… you’re not going anywhere anytime soon if we have anything to say about it… >:)
CG: SOLLUX, WHY ARE YOU TYPING LIKE THAT? AND WHY IS YOUR MIC OFFLINE?
TA: i’m sorry dave, i’m afraid i can’t answer that :)
TG: ohfuckohfuckohfuck
TG: vantas
TG: are you okay???
---carcinoGeneticist [CG] has left memo rose_raid---
TG: i think weve lost john and sollux
---carcinoGeneticist [CG] has left memo rose_raid---
CG: OH, 1’M SUR3 TH3Y’R3 JUST F1N3 D4V3 >:]
TG: fuck!!!
CG: 1N F4CT, 1’LL B3T TH4T TH3Y’R3 B31NG W3LL T4K3N C4R3 OF 4S W3 SP34K… DON’T YOU TH1NK SO ‘SOLLUX’?
TA: yeah dave…
TA: don’t be so paranoid :)
TA: and just stay put, we’ll come to you to make sure that YOU’RE fine too :)
TG: …
TG: nope
turntechGodhead has left memo rose_raid
CG: 3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H >:]
CG: RUN COOL K1D… RUN AND L3T SW33T JUST1C3 F1ND YOU >:D
===> RUN
You don’t have to be told that twice! As soon as you saw those last couple messages (and grabbed some of Rose’s frilly surprisingly simple unmentionables) you were flash stepping over to the doorway faster than John could think of a shitty movie title…
Unfortunately, it did not seem to be fast enough…
“… Hello Dave…” a decidedly female voice said from the doorway, blocking your escape.
“… Kanaya…” you reply simply, you may be caught in a trap, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t keep your Strider-cool attitude to the end… besides, you’re god tier and a death here would hardly be just or heroic… it’d just hurt like a mother fucker if she used th-ohshitshe’sgotthechainsawoutnow!
“If I were you, I would think very carefully about your next course of action…” she says, revving up what used to be a tube of lipstick and glaring at you with that creepy as fuck glowing face that rainbow drinkers have.
“I’m guessing that a heartfelt apology wouldn’t work here.”
“…No. No it would not…”
“Well, wasn’t really my style anyway…” you say, feinting left and flash stepping right just as the chainsaw digs into the ground where you just were.
“I’ll have your head for this one Strider! Rose’s family or not, no one raids my girlfriends room for her UNDERWEAR without punishment!” Kanaya growls, hot on your heels as you run out of the room and down the impossibly long hallway.
“Sorry babe, but there’s no one alive who can make me apologize for doin’ what I do… and unless you’re able to catch me, your chainsaw isn’t much goo-HOLYFUCK!” you yell, caught off guard at the chainsaw buzzing inches away from your ear. “HOW ARE YOU KEEPING UP WITH ME?!”
Kanaya of course, responds with a rather eloquent snarl and pulls out another chainsaw from who knows where.
===> CHECK IN ON ONE OF THE OTHERS
I’m afraid that you have to specify someone to be…
===> CHECK IN ON EGBERT
You are currently unconscious, please check back in either earlier or later relative to your current linear position.
===> CHECK IN ON EGBERT BEFORE HE WAS UNCONSCIOUS
EB: wait, seriously?
EB: boy trolls wear panties?
CG: WE DON’T CALL THEM PANTIES NOOKWHIFF, AND IT’S NOT LIKE THERE’S THAT MUCH DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MALES AND FEMALES ON ALTERNIA ANYWAY, SO IT’S MORE of A UNIVERSAL UNDERGARMENT TO HELP PREVENT YOUR BULGE FROM GETTING AWAY FROM YOU AT THE WRONG TIME.
TG: wow karkat
TG: im legitimately curious now… what does it actually look like down there?
TA: are you 2eriiou2ly goiing two a2k about our bulge2 riight now 2triider?
It was about this point in the conversation that you began to find other things to entertain yourself, after all, you may not be the especially jealous type, but you still didn’t want to see your best bro asking YOUR palhoncho about his genitals… not that you’d ever seen his genitals yourself, but that was because you two had come to an agreement about boundaries and comfort zones.
“… So these are what Karkat’s underwear would look like, huh?” you say to yourself, inspecting the underwear from one of Vriska’s various trunks. “They don’t look like all that much… kind of soft though……”
Without even stopping to think, you start to dig through the trunk, looking to see if there are any different kinds or styles. The first thing you realize is that they all have the same kind of cut, striking you as kind of thing you’d find in the women’s swimwear section of a shopping center. Once you got to the bottom of the trunk though, you started to find some more ‘interesting’ articles.
“Wow… I didn’t know Vriska wore this kind of stuff…” you comment, whispering to yourself and flushing red as you hold up a much smaller, lacier pair of blue underwear with a tiny 8 ball dangling just over the front panel. “How do these even work?”
You look around, making sure that the door is shut behind you and locked just in case. Once you’re absolutely positive that you’re alone, your curiosity (and Sollux’s comment from earlier) get the better of you, and you decide to strip down and try modeling the purloined panties.
“Geez… how does she fit into these things? My ass feels like it’s falling out!” You comment to no one in particular, turning sideways and checking to make sure that your ass is, in fact, still attached and not being cut off by the tight fabric. “… nice and soft though… if it weren’t for the cut, these might be really fun to wear around as casual underwear… maybe I should get a pair and get Karkat’s opinion?”
You let your mind wander to the image of modeling this particular pair for your best palhoncho, blushing slightly at the idea of him seeing you wearing nothing else except for the underwear… when you’re startled out of your reverie by a slow clap coming from the ceiling overhead.
Your head whips up almost instantly, your helmettop falling off just in time for none other than Vriska Serket, orange god tier hoodie and all, to knock you out cold.
===> BE THE SPIDERBITCH
Well at least someone in this hive can see that it’s better to be a winner, rather than one of those other l8me girls you live with.
You descend from your ceiling hiding place and cackle triumphantly. It’s not every day you get the chance to have a bit of fun with one of the most pitiable humans you’ve ever met, and one of the few that’s strong enough to give you a run for your money when it counts.
“Oh John, you really should have stayed at home for this one. But if you had, then I wouldn’t get to see thiiiiiiiis…” You say, chiding the unconscious boy at your feet as you gloat to no one in particular but yourself. “Even I have to admit though, your rump DOES look good in my underwear. Now then, on to business…”
A cold laugh escapes your lips and echoes through the booby trapped hive as you pick up the Heir of Breath and carry him over to your bed, grabbing the camera as you do.
“Remember Vriska, no funny business, just simple revenge and blackmail…” Rose chimes in, stepping out of the closet. “I was nice enough to allow you the use of my camera, but you have to restrain yourself and avoid forcing your desire for acceptance onto him while he’s unconscious.”
“Uuuuuuuugh… and then there’s this bitch… Look Lalonde, I’m grateful for the camera, and the heads up about all this stuff, will you PLEASE fuck off while I have my fun? I promise not to do anything horrible to the poor guy, and as much as I’d LOVE to see Karkat’s face if he thought that I’d messed around with his Matesprit, I have a better plan…”
“Mhmm, and I’m glad to hear that, but I’ll still stick around and just make sure that things DO stay platonic, for your sake and John’s.” Rose replies, smart enough not to trust you without cause, but stupid enough to think that you’re above knocking her out the same way you just did to John.
“And in case you’re thinking how easily you could knock me unconscious, just know that if I do not contact Kanaya and Terezi both every five minutes, that they are more than willing to hunt you down… again…”
……well shit… looks like you’re stuck with her for now…
“Ugh, fiiiiiiiine! Just, help me get him positioned… I don’t know what he’s been eating, but his scrawny ass feels like it’s made of lead. Okay, now just sit him up against the headboard… niiiiiiiice, now let’s get a shot with the legs spread…”
===> OKAY, NO ONE NEEDS TO SEE THAT, GO BE ONE OF THE OTHER GUYS QUICK!
You are now Sollux Captor, and you’ve struck gold!
Not only were you the first to find one of the girl’s room, but you were also the first to find the ‘prize’ of the night. And they just so happened to be your size.
“Heheheheheheh, if Thtrider feelth like jutht HAVING thethe thingth will work for thome loot, then I can’t wait to thee hith fathe when he theeth me WEARING them… maybe then he’ll thtop teathing me and we can actually thtart getting it on like proper kithmethith…”
You then spend the next few minutes looking through Jade’s drawers for her, well, drawers, and you soon find a couple pairs of rather interesting underwear. One having a smattering of paw prints, probably to remind her of her lusus, and the other having all the god tier signs from her session laid out in a 2x2 grid on the ass.
“Heheheheheh… I wonder how pithed Thtrider would be to thee that hith thign ith on my ath…” you wonder out loud, sending a gloating message to the group about your sweet find.
Just like normal, Strider has to take the attention away from your awesomeness by making up something about noises and some other shit. Whatever… You spend a couple more minutes of your precious time arguing with and needling Strider, when Egbert derps up and goes offline without warning.
“Great… now I’m DEFINITELY not gonna make any headway…” You mutter, grumbling to yourself as you take the helmettop off and throw it against the wall of the room. “Fucking athhole thtealth KK’th time, then he goeth and freakth out Thrider when I’m trying to get thome reacthion out of him… Who does he think he ith, anyway?!”
“Probably the kind of guy who doesn’t break into a girls room and steals her underwear!” a voice chimes in from behind you, the room suddenly seeming to grow much larger.
“FUCK!” you swear, your blood pusher racing at a mile a second as the Witch of Space stands towering over you.
“Heheheheh… Thought you could get away with this without any trouble? Oh Sollux, I thought you were one of the smart ones…” she says, a wide toothy grin bearing down on you, her face cast in shadows under her hood as she kneels down to scoop you up, almost strangling the air out of you as she holds you up to her face.
“…Well, you came here for some fun, so I’ll be a good hostess… now let’s have some fun…” she says, turning on the spot and walking towards a small blackened room at the back of her room.
“Oh gog! I’m THORRY!” you plead, sensing your impending doom coming swiftly. “Please, jutht let me live! I haven’t even pailed yet!”
“Heheheheheheheheheheheheheh!”
===> OH SHIT… QUICK! BE KARKAT AND RUN LIKE HELL!
“AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”
===> WELL, NEVERMIND…
===> BE ONE OF THE GIRLS
You are now Rose Lalonde, Seer of Light, one of the gods of this new world, and punisher of panty raiders… It’s best that others not know what you are doing with the four intruders in your home, so you decide to have Aradia freeze the onlookers in time until it’s safe to watch things again…
===> FAST FORWARD…
You are now John Egbert. You and your friends have no recollection of what happened yesterday. You woke up on the doorstep of your house wearing Vriska’s old jacket, but that’s about it. After staggering your way inside, you see the other three guys in varying states of shock scattered about the living room, Aradia’s face on the television screen smiling out at them all.
“I hope everyone is back now. Rose said to start speaking, so I’ll assume that John just walked inside. Now then, since you four are watching this, you must have been silly enough to think that it would be a good idea to try and break into our house and steal a few… personal items… Rest assured, we’ll already have had our revenge by the time this video is playing. Now, you might be asking yourself, ‘What did I do? What do the girls want?’ Well the simple answer is, you tried to go on what I’m told is a ‘panty raid’… It did not go well for you… Rose says that you’ll all be getting antsy right about now, so I’ll just wrap this up by saying, good try, but better luck next time… Oh, and there should be a package for you arriving right about now.”
With that, the screen blinked off and a knocking came at the door, Karkat ran over and practically ripped the door off its hinges to open it up fast enough. There, on the front porch, was a small paper envelope, with several iterations of the phrase ‘Open me” written across the top in the girls various quirks.
“Well… open it up dude…” Dave prompts Karkat, the Troll turning and snarling at him in response as his claws slice open the box with ease and spilling out a single 8x11 inch photograph on the floor.
The room was quiet for a few seconds, everyone processing the image before them and not even breathing…
Across town, the girls were sitting down for a nice relaxing evening, Rose and Kanaya sipping on some hot tea and talking about nothing, Aradia and Terezi watching an old movie called “Monty Python”, and Vriska was trying to explain to Jade why her level one character didn’t have the ability to ‘just grappling-hook her way over the pit of spikes and spiders’ in their table top game.
The peaceful atmosphere however, was soon interrupted by a distant scream resounding through the house, everyone stopping what they were doing to look up for a second before laughing.
“Do you think they just saw the photo? Or did they realize that we let them keep their ‘loot’?” Jade asked, gasping for air.
“Hopefully both!” Aradia squealed, bouncing in her seat and remembering the sight of Sollux wearing Jade’s underwear.
“I just hope they try that again… It was a lot of fun to ‘play’ with John like that…” Vriska said, cackling and pulling out Rose’s camera, shuffling through some of the individual shots they had taken of the boys in various states of unconscious debauchery, stopping on the one that they had sent in the envelope. It was a group picture with all four of the boys unconscious and stripped bare, save for a pair of panties generously donated by the girls. John was wearing her blue thong, Sollux was wearing Jade’s paw print panties, Karkat in Terezi’s teal and cherry red boy shorts with her sign plastered across his ass, and Dave in a pair of Rose’s underear with the word ‘Belgorath’ across the front of the crotch. They were all cuddled up in a pile on the floor and surrounded by buckets that had been filled with some kind of liquid in shades of cherry red, mustard yellow, and flecked with white.
“Oh yes… They really MUST come play with us again…” Rose said, smiling at her cohorts in turn, “In fact, I think we should send them an invitation to come visit again very soon…”
