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"I don’t believe in the goddesses. Never did." Jean says, shifting in the grass behind Eren while Eren searches his pack for a flare. Did blue signal the medical carts? Or yellow? He rubs sweat from his brow, sifting through the mess of his memories in the hopes of remembering this one simple fucking thing.
Eren makes the mistake of looking at Jean. His shirt and jacket in shreds, streaks of blood staining the fabric . His gear surrounds him in pieces and there’s so much red. Now is not the time for indecision, he thinks, and plucks a flare from his pack. He covers his ear and shoots it, watches the stripe of blue climb towards the grey sky.
"I wish I did." His breath hitches and Eren feels a rush of panic. The air rushes from his lungs at the wheezing sounds Jean makes, invisible bands around his chest tightening like some fucked up kind of sympathy pain. "It might make this a little easier to deal with."
Eren crouches beside him, tracing the lines of strain on Jean’s face with his eyes. He reaches out and wipes the streak of crimson from his cheek. “I need you,” he growls, “to shut the fuck up.”
"No," Jean snaps. His head rolls to the side so he can look at Eren, his eyes softening. "I need you to hear what I’m saying, okay?"
"Stop being so dramatic. If…if you have the energy to wax philosophic about fucking religion then you - you’re going to be fine, Jean.”
Jean shakes his head and grimaces. “I believe in you though. Always have,” he continues as if Eren hadn’t said anything. “Not that I’m comparing you to a god or anything. So don’t let that go to your head.”
Hot tears start rolling down Eren’s cheeks when Jean smiles. “Stop talking like this.”
"And I…I never took it personal all those times you told me it wouldn’t work out. Or that it was a bad idea. Or whatever." Jean takes a shallow breath and releases it. "I’m…I’m just glad we were friends. That was enough for me."
Before Eren can think better of it, he says, “You fucking liar,” because he knows bullshit when he hears it.
"Yeah," Jean breathes, "but…I didn’t want you to spend the rest of your life feeling bad about it."
"Shut up."
"A lost cause, really, because - "
"Shut. Up."
" - you never listen," Jean finishes. He tries to laugh but it sounds like he’s choking. "See?"
Eren swipes at his cheeks. “Help is going to be here soon,” he says, because he can’t think of anything else to say.
Jean opens his mouth to say something, but he hesitates. And it’s so fucked up that Eren knows he means to tell him that he's going to die.
Instead, he murmurs, “Kiss me?” so quietly that Eren thinks he might be imagining things.
Eren shakes his head, but grabs his hand. “I will,” he promises. “After we get out of this mess. Something to look forward to.”
Jean’s eyes slide shut and he smiles, soft as sunlight. “You ass.”
He dies before the cart arrives.
-v-V-v-V-v-V-
In his dreams, things happen differently.
Eren forgets his stubbornness and leans down to kiss him. Pouring every bit of emotion in the way his mouth moves against Jean’s. Not stopping until he’s emptied his heart completely.
He always wakes before he feels Jean respond, so he’ll never know if Jean would thread his fingers through his hair or make a noise low in his throat like he appreciates it when Eren nips his lower lip.
(All he’ll ever truly know is the feeling of cool steel against his mouth when he starts kissing the flat of his blade before every expedition.)