Work Text:
Once, twice, thrice …
And so many times had Youngjae told himself that he will get over Im Jaebeom, the reason of his major heart break.
Once, twice, thrice…
And so many times had Youngjae told himself to stop feeling things whenever Jaebeom is beside him and will show his toothy smile. To tell him he is so beautiful. The urge to just kiss and hug him out of nowhere. STOP. Youngjae knows he had to stop.
Once, twice, thrice…
And so many times had Youngjae slapped himself to wake up from the reality that it is never going to happen, there will never be THEM. That Im Jaebeom is a straight man, out of his league.
Once, twice, thrice…
And so many times had Youngjae cried alone in his room, feeling so helpless, defeated in a battle he knows he will never be the winner. Always the loser. He is a loser.
Once, twice, thrice…
And so many times had Youngjae stopped everything he’s been doing whether it was very important or not, to go to where Jaebeom was because the older boy sent him a message “help me Youngjae”.
Once, twice, thrice…
And so many times had Youngjae have to endure pain to see that Im Jaebeom is happily dating someone. This someone who he had never wished to be.
Once, twice, thrice…
And so many times had Youngjae have to endure pain whenever Jaebeom will asked him a favor to help him surprised his girlfriend, because it was their anniversary.
Once, twice, thrice…
And so many times had Youngjae have to endure the pain to say YES to Jaebeom everytime the older will asked him to do a favor for his girlfriend. He will never say NO to Jaebeom, because it is Im Jaebeom, the love of his life.
Once, twice, thrice…
And so many times had Youngjae stopped himself from confessing his love to Jaebeom because he knows what will be the ending of their story. He was afraid to lose him, still is.
Once, twice, thrice…
And so many times had Youngjae convinced himself that being friends with Jaebeom is enough. Because he knows that it is the only thing that the older can offer to him. For Jaebeom to love him back the way he loves him is too much and impossible. Youngjae knows that.
Once, twice, thrice…
And so many times had Youngjae heard that he is stupid. Stupid for falling in love with someone who will never love him back. Stupid for doing things that he shouldn’t do and not required to. Stupid for being himself. Stupid.
Once, twice, thrice…
And so many times had Youngjae said “fuck you’ to the stupid cupid design beside their dormitory entrance. It is valentine’s again, how he hates this day. “Hit us both next time, fuck you” now his lines to the stupid cupid design upgraded and Mark only laughed beside him. A normal occurrence.
Once, twice, thrice…
And so many times had Youngjae seen Jaebeom cries. It is mostly because of her. HER, who he will never be and never wished to be. The main reasons of Jaebeom’s suffering and maybe one of the main reasons of his own pain.
Once, twice, thrice…
And so many times had Youngjae cried because of Jaebeom, but this time he didn’t even know who is he crying for. For Jaebeom, to see him in pain like this hurt him more. Or for himself, because fuck, again, for the nth time he is crying again because Jaebeom. He pity himself for being in this situation.
Once, twice, thrice…
And so many times had Youngjae told himself that he is tired. So many times had Youngjae told himself to stop loving him. To stop hurting himself like this.
Maybe that night after crying for Jaebeom and for himself, maybe …
maybe…
Youngjae is finally letting go.
Step by step.
Maybe this time…
Youngjae is more afraid to lose himself than to lose him.