Chapter Text
“I love you.”
Aiba stared ahead of him as the words hit him, but he wasn’t seeing Jun. He wasn’t seeing the look in Jun’s eyes or the way Jun was fidgeting, waiting for him to repeat the words. He was seeing himself, saying the same words for the first time, so many years ago.
})i({
Aiba’s finger traced the outline of Sho’s body gently, so as to wake him. He smiled, watching Sho’s face illuminated by the dim bedside lamp. When Sho stirred, and pulled him closer, Aiba wished that they could stay that way forever. Unable to contain his feelings, Aiba found himself murmuring, “I love you.” His held his breath as Sho’s eyes fluttered open to look at him in surprise.
A slow smile came across Sho’s face, and in that smile Aiba thought he had already heard the reply he was hoping for, even if his heard cracked a little as the moment passed and he began to realise that Sho wasn’t going to say it back.
})i({
It had been around the end of the second year of high school, Aiba remembered. When he thought about it now, it was probably around then that things started to go south. He had pretended not to care, and in a way he wasn’t really pretending, because he knew that Sho cared about him. But while Sho wasn’t demonstrative in public, he was always affectionate in their private moments, and the fact that Sho wouldn’t say that he loved Aiba, even when no one else was around, bothered him. Soon Sho’s behaviour in public began to plague him as well, and every little thing that Sho did seemed to point out to him that Sho didn’t feel the same way about him.
“Aiba? Did you hear me?”
Jerked out of his thoughts, Aiba smiled automatically at Jun, who wasn’t reassured at all. He knew that smile well; it meant that Aiba’s mind was somewhere else. He wondered if he should repeat his words, when Aiba spoke gently.
“I heard you.”
He didn’t say anything else. He wondered if this was how Sho felt that day. Did he make Sho feel this uncomfortable? Did Sho struggle with the desire not to hurt his feelings, and not wanting to lie at the same time? The wound from that day was slight, and was nothing compared to everything that happened after, but it still hurt. This time Aiba felt it more than before, because at least back then he had thought that Sho just couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud. Now, he wondered if Sho hadn’t really loved him at all.
“Aiba, say something.” Jun had stepped closer, and Aiba’s mind turned back to the present.
What should he say? Aiba thought. He liked Jun a lot, but he didn’t know if he loved Jun, not yet. Not the way he had loved Sho. He didn’t think he would ever love anyone the way he loved Sho. But he did care a lot about Jun, so could that be a kind of love, too? Maybe, in time...
“I...” he was stopped by Jun, who suddenly put his fingers over Aiba’s lips. Wasn’t it Jun who wanted him to say something?
“Come to think of it, don’t say anything,” Jun suddenly said. “Your silence told me enough already. You don’t love me.”
“Yet,” Aiba managed to say, pulling Jun’s fingers away, and holding on to them.
“What?”
“I’m still not quite ready to be in love again, I guess,” Aiba said. He knew what it was like to be left hanging, and never knowing what the other person thought, so he decided to go with the truth, or at least as much of it as he was able to tell Jun. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready. But what I do know is that I like being with you, and you make me happy, and that I care about you, a lot. Can’t that be enough, for now?”
Jun looked at Aiba, and realised that Aiba would probably never reciprocate his feelings. Aiba may say that he wasn’t ready, but Jun knew that there was something holding him back, even from the first time they met. And unfortunately, it’s not Nino, he thought ruefully. He wished that whoever or whatever that Aiba was reserving his feelings for deserved it, and he wished that it was something or someone that he could see, so that he had a fighting chance. He probably should end their relationship, but Aiba was giving him a pleading look, and he felt hope rising in him despite himself.
“Of course it’s enough,” he told Aiba. “Didn’t I tell you that we can take it slow, when we started dating? Take as long as you want; I’ll still be here no matter what.”
The smile beaming from Aiba was worth all the pain saying those words had caused him.
})i({
Later in the night, Aiba was dreaming. In his dream it was Sho that had spoken to him of love, and not Jun. In his dream, he was able to reply. He turned restlessly in his sleep, and mumbled words in small sighs.
Thinking that Aiba was awake, Nino knocked on the door. When he heard Aiba's voice, he opened the door, and saw that Aiba was sleeping. Just when he was about to close it again, Aiba breathed out, “Sho-chan...”
His hand gripped on the doorknob tightly as he stared at his best friend’s sleeping figure. He had thought that Aiba was getting better, now that he was dating Jun, but he was wrong. Telling himself to calm down, Nino let go of the doorknob, and stepped towards Aiba to wake him up. No point in letting Aiba get upset in a dream. But upon a closer look, Nino saw that Aiba was smiling contentedly - a look that Nino had only seen in the rare moments when things were very good between Aiba and Sho. A good dream, huh...
Deciding to leave Aiba alone after all, Nino left the room, and closed the door silently behind him.