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Renjun first heard of Wong Yukhei through Kun, his high school tutor that he built up a friendship with through telling each other their stories about growing up in China and bonding over now living in Korea.
He remembers hearing about Kun’s roommate occasionally during his Senior year, Yukhei was a Freshman in college and new to the country, so Kun was assigned as his roommate and essentially a glorified tour guide for Yukhei.
The first time Renjun met Yukhei was a couple of weeks after he started his Freshman year of college. He was sitting beneath a tree out on the campus’ lawn, strumming at a ukulele, it’s a little beat up, but it’s his own little piece of home that he can carry around with him, so he hasn’t had the heart to replace it with something newer.
Kun is next to him, rapidly texting Chenle homework help, when a tall guy with messy brown hair walks up to the pair.
The stranger looks, for the lack of a better word, intriguing. There’s something about him that pulls Renjun in. He eyes the boy, still strumming at his ukulele when the stranger makes eye contact with Renjun.
He abruptly stops strumming, cocking his head at the boy, almost likes he’s challenging the stranger, to which he smiles, big and oozing a warm energy, making Renjun want to learn more about the strange boy.
Kun looks up from his phone when he hears the music stop, “Oh, Hey Yukhei.”
Yukhei, upon first glance, is entirely different from what Renjun had thought, not that he’d spent a lot of time thinking about him, but it’s a habit of his to conjure up somewhat of an idea about who the people his friends tell him about are.
“Who’s the pretty boy,” Yukhei smirks down at him, and Renjun doesn’t quite like the height advantage he has, though he knows standing up wouldn’t make any difference.
Renjun’s eyes narrow, “I’m Renjun,”
Kun looks at him warningly, telling him nonverbally to be nice, “You should remember him, I’ve talked about him before.”
Yukhei looks him up and down, and it takes all of Renjun’s self-control not to kick him, “You didn’t tell me he was adorable.”
Renjun immediately scowls, the compliment, if he can call it that, is condescending to his ears, and he doesn’t enjoy it at all. He grabs his bag and gets up, planning on leaving Kun alone with the infuriating boy, but Yukhei stops him before he can.
“Woah, pretty boy, no need to leave so soon, I want to get to know more about you,” his words anger Renjun but what angers him more is the sincere look on his face while he says them.
He looks back at Kun, praying that he’ll give him an out, which he does, “Uh, actually Yukhei, Renjun has some things he needs to do with his roommate, you know, Freshman things.”
Yukhei looks disappointed, “Oh, well I hope to see you around campus sometime Renjun.”
His name flows effortlessly off of Yukhei’s tongue, and it causes Renjun to hesitate, almost considering staying to learn more about this interesting boy that seems captivated by himself, but then sirens go off in his brain, telling him that it’s a horrible idea, and to run while he can.
Renjun excuses himself, before running in the direction of his dorm, thoughts about pretty smiles and pretty boys almost suffocating him, and then he knows he’s not going to get any sleep tonight.
Renjun likes libraries; they’re quiet, filled with books, and it’s a place that he can concentrate in without fear of being disturbed by his roommate, Jeno.
That is unless Chenle is there. The younger boy has a knack for knowing the hottest gossip and takes any and every chance to share what he knows, not caring if he’s disrupting the lives of the people around him with his loud voice.
Today’s topic seems to be the one person Renjun doesn’t want to think about.
“So,” Chenle says, smirking at both Renjun and Kun, “Wong Yukhei. Tall, incredibly attractive, the love of everyone’s life Wong Yukhei,” he pauses, raising a hand to lay delicately over his forehead, “I know a little bit about him,” he looks directly at Renjun, who scoffs, “What do you want to know.”
Renjun rolls his eyes at Chenle, “Nothing, I don’t want to know anything.”
Truth be told, Renjun is somewhat intrigued by the older boy; Though not for the reasons he should be. Why me is a question that’s been running through Renjun’s mind since he met the boy. Yukhei’s flirting and warm smile haunt him, making him feel all confusing inside.
If anything, he’s annoyed. Renjun isn’t used to being the center of attention; he usually isn’t the one being flirted with, especially by someone like Wong Yukhei. Maybe he’s like that with everyone, flirting because that’s just what he does, but that doesn’t explain the lovestruck look in Yukhei’s eyes every time he looks at Renjun.
“You know,” Kun pauses, raising his eyebrows at Renjun, “I heard Yukhei thinks you’re like, this super cool, mysterious dude.”
Chenle laughs, high-pitched and annoying, while Kun joins in. Renjun starts to pack his things, “Well then he’s going to be very disappointed when he finds out what I’m really like.”
Chenle’s face drops, “Ge, what do you mean? He’d love you.”
Renjun shakes his head as he leaves, while Kun and Chenle try to convince him to stay so they can talk about what he said. He doesn't want to talk about it; it’s just a fact. Wong Yukhei could never like Renjun for who he is, and if it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth, he doesn’t have the time to contemplate it.
He makes his way out of the library, heading towards his dorm room, mind buzzing with thoughts about a certain tall, annoying guy.
Renjun somehow finds himself sitting under the same tree where he first met Yukhei.
It’s a chill day for him, all of his classes were in the morning, and now he’s eating lunch while looking over his notes before he heads back to his dorm room. He’s tired, though vehemently avoiding somebody can do that for a person.
Renjun is still unsure why exactly Yukhei has set his eyes on him. Is it fun for him to irritate Renjun? Was it a dare? Renjun doesn't know.
Speaking of Yukhei, “Hello Renjun!”
Renjun sighs, setting his food aside and looking up. The older has that smile on his face that never fails to get on his nerves, “What do you want Yukhei.”
His smile falters for a moment, and Renjun almost doesn’t catch it before it’s back to being as wide as before. Yukhei almost looks nervous standing in front of Renjun, eyes wide and hopeful.
“I was wondering if you wanted to get lunch with me?” he asks, nodding his head after he’s done, with a smile on his face like he’s proud of himself for getting the words out.
Renjun side eyes the sandwich he set down when Yukhei first approached him, “I’ve already eaten.”
He raises a hand to run through his hair, panicked, “Oh, um, how about I sit down and keep you company?” he spots Renjun’s notes from his art history class, “Oh! Kun mentioned you’re an art major, I don’t know much about art, but if you like it then I’d like to learn!”
Yukhei reminds Renjun of a walking exclamation point.
Just before Yukhei can sit down, his friend yells for him to hurry up, which knocks the smile off of his face. He looks back at Renjun, an apologetic look in his eyes, to find him back to reading his notes, not paying any attention to Yukhei.
“I’ll catch you later, yeah?” It comes out more pleading than like a question.
Renjun looks up after Yukhei leaves, watching him jog over to his friend. He feels a pang in his chest watching the two, they look like they’re close, and for a split second Renjun thinks that he wants that with Yukhei.
He shakes his head, forcing himself to forget that specific thought, and starts to pack his things up.
The halls of the dorm are quiet, Renjun’s footsteps barely make a noise as he makes his way back to his room. He has the trip memorized, so he doesn’t need to pay attention much as he goes, which lends itself well to letting Renjun think.
Renjun is tired, why though he’s not so sure. Maybe he’s spent too much time thinking instead of sleeping, but his brain doesn’t want to go the extra mile to figure it out, so he stays in the dark on the subject.
He’s almost to his room when he hears his name being called. Turning around he comes face to face with Yukhei, a smile on his face as always, though today it seems more subdued. Renjun could ask if there’s something the matter but chooses to ignore it, and Yukhei, and turns back around to continue on his way.
Yukhei attempts to get his attention again, increasing his pace to get closer and gently grab his arm, and Renjun looks up at him before pulling away from his grip. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Yukhei’s grin slip from his face, and judging by how easy it was for it to disappear, Yukhei’s joy was hanging on by a thread, if not entirely fake.
Now there’s no mistaking the tired and helpless look on the elder’s face, and Renjun feels his mouth go dry upon seeing it. He feels terrible, there’s an empty feeling in his stomach, and he swallows in an attempt to get it to go away. Yukhei drops his arm and half-heartedly bows, an apology slipping from his lips, and turns away. He pauses for a moment, and Renjun waits for him to face him and try again, but to his surprise that doesn’t come.
Yukhei walks away from Renjun, not trying again and again to get his attention like he’s been doing for the past weeks or months, and even though all Renjun has wanted was for Yukhei to stop, his wish coming true doesn’t hold the feeling of finally like he was expecting, just emptiness.
As Renjun makes his way back to his room he thinks, about the past few months and everything that’s happened during them. Yukhei’s obvious, that’s a fact that Renjun has to live with. His compliments and the forlorn looks he sends in Renjun’s direction every time he breathes speak volumes, and Renjun hates it.
All he’s wanted was for Yukhei to leave him alone, the constant attention continues to suffocate him, and just as it seems he’s gotten what he wanted he’s still unable to breathe, only feeling worse than before.
Renjun sighs as he flops down onto his bed, burying his head in his pillow and screams. He’s unsurprised at the fact that it didn’t make him feel any better. Rolling over, he stares at the ceiling, trying to find answers to questions he doesn’t know.
There’s a knock on the door after god knows how long of Renjun staring at the ceiling and he sits up just as the door opens.
“Renjun…” Kun says, disappointment painting his face, though he’s not sure why. Renjun raises his eyebrows, and when the older boy doesn’t say anything else, he gestures for Kun to join him on the bed.
Kun makes his way over to him and sits down gently, reaching out a hand to card through Renjun’s hair. He sighs, closing his eyes for a moment, relishing in the way it causes all of his thoughts to melt away, if only for a few seconds.
“Listen,” Kun starts and then sighs, removing his hand from Renjun’s hair, who makes a noise of disapproval at the action, “does Yukhei,” he pauses again and scratches the back of his head, trying to figure out the best way to word things, while Renjun sits up to look at him blankly, “make you uncomfortable or something”
Renjun squints, “What makes you think that,” the way he says it sounds more like a statement than a question.
“Look, it’s obvious the kid likes you, I’m just wondering if he’s done anything to make you uncomfortable enough to ignore him continuously,” Kun looks like he wants to say more, but stops himself to gage Renjun’s reaction instead.
He scoffs, “Is there something wrong with me ignoring him?”
Kun sighs and shifts in his seat, “You do whatever makes you feel comfortable, but I just don’t think ignoring him will do any good. Renjun the kid really likes you, and I get that you don’t like him back, but you ignoring him time and time again is really messing with him.”
The elder opens his mouth to continue, but Renjun beats him to it, “So what are you saying, that I should give him a chance when I obviously don’t feel the same way?”
“That’s not what I’m saying Renjun,” he pauses, looking into Renjun’s eyes, “He just wants to be your friend, he really admires you, and I don’t know how much more of the vulnerable look he gets on his face every time he comes back to the dorm after you’ve flat out ignored him I can take.”
Kun pats him on the arm before getting up from the bed and walking towards the door. Renjun sits there and stares at the wall as he leaves, his thoughts racing a mile a minute. He shakes his head, refusing to think about everything Kun just told him. It doesn’t matter, he tells himself, you don’t like him like that, you want him to leave you alone.
Renjun stands up on shaky legs and lets himself sink to the floor. He wants to make it right, what he’s doing isn’t fair, to him or Yukhei. It’s making the both of them feel bad, but at the same time, he’s scared. Renjun isn’t sure he wants to let himself become friends with Yukhei, for fear of either the elder’s crush growing or maybe, just maybe, him reciprocating the feelings. His head snaps up from where it was idly leaning against his bed; he can’t think like that.
Kun’s words from earlier echo through his head. He just wants to be your friend. Friends, he can do friends, at least he thinks. Most importantly, he can try, and he’s going to.
Renjun places a hand on the floor and pushes himself up, running a hand down his wrinkled shirt. He swallows, making his way to his dresser, before pulling out a pair of sweats and beginning to change. Grabbing his phones, he does a once over of the room, trying to figure out if there’s anything else he needs, and then makes his way to the door.
Renjun makes his way to Yukhei’s dorm, occasionally stopping to wonder what the hell he’s doing until he remembers the pleading look on Kun’s face and the helpless look on Yukhei’s.
He’s hurting people, including himself, because of what? He doesn’t like the attention Yukhei gives him? That could be fixed with a short conversation, but instead, Renjun’s made him feel bad because his way of fixing things was to ignore him.
Renjun runs into Kun on his way to Yukhei’s room, and before Renjun can say anything he shakes his head, “He’s in his bed, moping.” he narrows his eyes at Renjun, “Fix this.”
Renjun nods and Kun smiles at him as he makes his way to Yukhei’s room. He takes a deep breath, preparing himself, before raising a hand and knocking. There’s a faint come in coming from the room, and Renjun exhales as he turns the doorknob.
It’s dark in the room, and as Renjun’s eyes start to focus Yukhei’s bed steals his attention. There’s a Yukhei shaped lump under the duvet and Renjun debates leaving while he can. He doesn’t; instead he pads his way over to the bed and lifts up the covers, before slipping in beside the larger boy. Upon feeling his presence, Yukhei turns around to face him. He’s surprised to see Renjun of all people, and he can feel Yukhei’s body tense up.
“What do you want?” Yukhei whispers, eyes searching Renjun’s face for an answer.
Renjun bites his lip, refusing to look the other in the eye, “Turn back around.” Yukhei shakes his head, and Renjun starts to grow impatient, “I don’t really cuddle people often so turn around and be grateful I chose you.”
Yukhei’s breath catches in his throat, and he looks at the smaller for a moment too long before turning away again. Renjun let’s out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in and wraps an arm around Yukhei. He watches as the older boy physically relaxes and a smile makes its way onto Renjun’s face.
Renjun shifts closer to Yukhei, before whispering, “I’m sorry,” into the elder’s neck. Yukhei tenses again, and Renjun fears he messed things up, but then he relaxes and lays a hand over Renjun’s currently clutching his shirt. He untangles Renjun’s hand before raising it to his mouth and pressing a kiss to his knuckles.
Yukhei drops his hand, and Renjun begins to think. Maybe being Yukhei’s friend isn’t necessarily a bad thing, he’s okay with this, being close to him, although his heart is beating a tad too fast for his liking, it’s probably just the nerves on thinking he was going to kick Renjun out.
Renjun wants to try this, wants to quit avoiding and ignoring him, wants to be his friend. He’d like to learn more about the older, especially considering how much Yukhei already knows about him. He feels himself relaxing as well, cuddling up to Yukhei who giggles in response.
Friends. Friends sounds good. It’s a good start, he thinks. Maybe he can help Yukhei realize he doesn’t really have a crush on him, that it’s just his mind viewing Renjun as something unattainable and wanting it for himself. Maybe this will end well.
As Renjun feels himself drift off, he doesn’t even consider how this could go wrong, and he’ll find out in the weeks to come that maybe, just maybe, that was a bad idea. Whatever, he’ll cross that bridge when he gets to it.
Renjun wakes to an empty bed, the parts of his body where Yukhei was pressed up against him not too long ago burn. He groans, shifting and raising a hand to rub at his eyes. Yukhei is nowhere to be found, but judging by the noise coming from the direction of the common room Renjun bets he’ll find the older boy there.
Climbing out of bed, Renjun discovers a couple of things; first, he’s cold, and second, he wants to go back to bed. He makes his way out of the room and in the direction of the common room. Upon reaching the room, he takes a couple of steps back, the volume coming from the small group of boys too much for Renjun’s barely awake brain.
Through his squinted eyes he spots Yukhei and makes his way over to the older boy. Yukhei quiets as soon as he sees Renjun, looking at him with his eyebrows raised. The younger stops in front of him, a frown on his face, and Yukhei rests his hands on Renjun’s waist. Renjun whines, pushing Yukhei’s arms off of him, and pushing the elder to sit back in his seat, effectively giving him enough room to sit on Yukhei’s lap.
Yukhei makes a noise of surprise in the back of his throat, arms coming out instinctively to wrap around Renjun’s small frame, while the younger snuggles further into his chest. Everyone around them sends them short glances, and Yukhei eyes Kun, mouthing for a blanket.
The elder laughs, leaving the room for a moment before returning with a blanket. He lays it over the boy, running a hand through Renjun’s hair for a moment, before shaking his head and returning to his spot on the other couch. The room quiets down now that Renjun has joined them, though contrary to what everyone was expecting, Yukhei doesn’t go back to doing what he was before the younger came.
Yukhei sits quietly with Renjun in his lap, listening in on the others conversation, while lazily running a hand up and down Renjun’s back. He sits content, a smile on his face, glad that Renjun chose him to use as a pillow.
It’s quite the sight, Renjun supposes, Yukhei and him squeezed onto the floor of Jeno and Renjun’s dorm room. Renjun has his sketchbook out, drawing whatever pretty thing comes to mind, while Yukhei sits cross-legged next to him. They sit in silence for awhile, Renjun too focused on what he’s drawing to pay attention to the fact that Yukhei is staring at him.
Eventually, he looks up, confused by the silence; he was expecting Yukhei to go off on some rant about whatever is going on in his head. Instead, he finds Yukhei silently looking at him, and he sighs. Maybe he should swallow his pride, and whatever front he’s putting up for Yukhei, if only just for a moment.
“I got you a present,” Renjun says, and Yukhei immediately perks up. The older boy stares at him with wide eyes while Renjun stands up and makes his way over to his desk. Yukhei watches as he pulls open one of his desk drawers and grabs something that Yukhei can’t make out.
He makes his way back to his spot on the floor and holds out the object for Yukhei. The older takes it from Renjun tentatively, eyes wide in confusion. He turns it over in his hands to take a look at the front. It’s a coloring book, specifically a Moomin coloring book. Yukhei looks up at Renjun again with his eyebrows raised.
Renjun smiles at him, “So you can think of me when you color.” Yukhei feels his heart start to beat faster and he looks back down at the book, a flush making its way up his neck onto his cheeks.
Yukhei stutters for a moment, “I’m always thinking of you.” He freezes, the phrase came out accidentally, and if he wasn’t red before he definitely is now. Yukhei looks down at the floor, spluttering out apologies, while Renjun looks at him with a mixture of fondness and confusion on his face.
Renjun laughs while Yukhei continues to blush and try to explain, even though it’s clear what he meant. At that moment Renjun tries desperately to cling onto the facade of not liking him, but Yukhei kind of looks like a lost puppy and Renjun really wants to kiss him. He manages, though, and instead reaches for a box of crayons to his right, and then pushes them in Yukhei’s direction.
“C'mon Xuxi; Color me a pretty picture.” Yukhei’s head shoots up, and he looks at Renjun with wide eyes. Renjun feels like time stops, if only for a millisecond. The look in Yukhei’s eyes almost scares him, he, too, looks scared, but also almost insecure, and Renjun thinks that maybe, just maybe, he should give up his front and just admit his feelings.
He’s never considered how it makes Yukhei feel, everytime the elder sends praises and affections his way, and he accepts them, albeit without mentioning the weight behind them, the weight of Yukhei’s feelings for him. He’s been told by countless people to think about his actions, but he’s always refused, too afraid. Renjun knows, of course he knows, Yukhei isn’t all that hard to read, the elders’ always worn his heart on his sleeve, it wasn’t all that hard to figure out.
Instead, Renjun has delayed the inevitable, and for a reason he’s not entirely sure of. He does enjoy watching Yukhei trip over himself, in an attempt to win him over, Renjun isn’t sure, but he doesn’t know how everything got to this point.
Whatever, Renjun thinks, and does what he does best, he buries it. He buries his feelings for Yukhei like he’s done time and time again. Renjun isn’t ready to think about it, his feelings, what they mean, how everything could go wrong, so instead he turns back to his sketchbook and gets to work.
They work in silence, Renjun almost bitterly laying down stroke after stroke of a portrait of Yukhei; He finds drawing the older helps him feel better. Yukhei’s coloring with a determined look on his face, tongue out, choosing each color carefully.
Renjun’s torn away from his thoughts when Yukhei lifts his head and speaks, “Look at this Renjun!” He smiles and lifts up his drawing for Renjun to see, “I’m an artist!” The pure joy on Yukhei’s face is contagious, Renjun realizes as he starts to smile as well, his mood from earlier slowly melting away.
Yukhei crawls over to lay in front of Renjun, proudly displaying his page in the coloring book. The bright smile on his face is almost blinding, though Renjun can’t find it in himself to turn away. He gently takes the book from Yukhei, humming as he examines the drawing.
Renjun lays the book down with a smile on his face, “You did such a good job,” and before Yukhei knows it, he’s leaning in to leave a gentle kiss on his cheek. Yukhei’s face goes from one of joy to confusion, and then before Renjun can see the next emotion to cross the elder’s face, he collapses in a fit of high pitched giggles.
He continues to stare at the boy, and if someone else were there with them they’d probably tell Renjun he’s whipped, judging by the fond look on his face, but he can’t bring himself to care. When Yukhei finally looks up again his face is red, but the child-like joy is still there, and Renjun again realizes why he enjoys spending time with Yukhei.
Yukhei is precisely what he needs him to be, whenever he needs it. If Renjun needs a quiet day with whispered encouragement, Yukhei can be that. If he needs to get his mind off of things, Yukhei is there like a whirlwind, bringing noise and chaos with him, though it’s wholly appreciated. There’s never a dull moment with him, on loud days, quiet days, or anything in between, and he’s incredibly grateful for it.
Renjun wishes he could do the same for the elder. He’s never really understood why Yukhei has continued trying to gain his affections after all this time with little to no response from Renjun. He was expecting Yukhei to give up maybe a week or two in, but now it’s been months, perhaps almost a year, and yet he’s still here, by his side when he needs him.
Renjun isn’t sure how he feels about it, part of him feels giddy that he’s fought Renjun turning a blind eye for so long, but another feels unworthy, it leaves a sour taste in his mouth, sometimes he wishes he’d stop.
Whatever, he thinks again, this is something to think about another time, probably in the middle of the night when nobody but himself and the ceiling of his dorm room knows his fears and insecurities; Right now he’s going to focus on the boy in front of him, and for now that’s enough to keep away the bad thoughts and replace them with something better, something beautiful, Yukhei.
There’s a wail heard across the room followed by Yukhei’s triumphant laugh. Renjun’s curled into a ball on the floor, yelling out insults in Mandarin towards the taller boy. Yukhei laughs at him, finally calming down, and sitting back down next to Renjun, who has finally uncurled and stares at Yukhei with a pout on his lips.
Today is a rest day, and the two boys decided to take advantage of that and hang out together. They were laying around the living room when Yukhei brought up playing video games to pass the time. Renjun refused, he’s never been the best at video games but eventually gave in because of the adorable pout on the older boy’s lips.
Renjun is beginning to regret that decision.
Yukhei isn’t even looking at the screen half the time, and yet he still manages to win every damn race. “Why are you so good at this game?” Renjun exclaims, throwing his controller onto the floor.
“What can I say,” he leans back, looking at Renjun cockily, “I’m just good with directions.”
Renjun scoffs, “Yukhei you got lost at the grocery store yesterday.”
Yukhei pouts at him for a moment, and Renjun just smiles back. The elder turns his attention away from Renjun, a small blush forming on his face, and starts up another round. Renjun smirks, he’s going to win this round, he has to.
The race starts off fine, Yukhei is in first place, and Renjun would do anything to knock him down a few places. He sneaks a few peaks over at Yukhei; he’s concentrated on the race, his tongue sticking cutely out of his mouth.
“You look cute when you’re concentrated on something,” Yukhei freezes which causes him to crash into a tree, and Renjun takes the opportunity to speed past him.
Yukhei groans upon seeing that he’s currently in sixth place and Renjun laughs as Yukhei sees the one on the younger’s side on the screen. He shakes his head and forces himself to pay attention to the game.
You could almost cut the tension in the air with a knife, both boys putting all of their focus into the game. There’s no noise other than the sounds coming from the game, save for a few groans coming from each boy. Renjun is still in the lead, though Yukhei is catching up, and fast.
They both hold their breath as the finish line comes into view. Renjun prays to any and every god he can as he watches his character race towards victory, and Yukhei shouts as he flies past the finish line, but it’s too late.
Renjun won.
Screams erupt from both boys as the ending screen begins to play. Renjun jumps up in victory, laughing at Yukhei slumped on the ground, not believing what just happened.
“C’mon, get up, get up!”
Yukhei goes to get up, expecting a victory speech, but he gets as far as sitting on his knees before the unexpected happens. Renjun grabs Yukhei’s face in his hands, a smile on his face, and then leans in. Yukhei has a split second to freak out before Renjun’s lips are on his own.
He freezes, he’s been waiting weeks, maybe months for this to happen, before relaxing and melting into the kiss, bringing a hand up to rest on the back of Renjun’s neck.
Renjun makes a noise of surprise, not expecting the kiss to go deeper than a peck, but when Yukhei begins to move his mouth, he moves a hand to his hair before giving in.
The kiss doesn’t last long before they’re pulling away. Renjun opens his eyes and finds Yukhei already looking at him with wide eyes. He smiles, and Yukhei collapses onto the floor.
Instead of going to check on the boy, Renjun laughs at him and sits down on the couch. Remembering the feeling of Yukhei’s lips, he lifts a hand to touch his own and then slides down the couch, a blissful look on his face.
Renjun would be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about kissing Yukhei before, he has, in great detail. He flushes, remembering the thoughts of Yukhei’s big hands gripping his waist, his hands in the other boy’s hair, occasionally tugging, eliciting a noise from the elder that makes Renjun’s stomach toss and turn in want.
He thinks a lot about Yukhei, what it’d be like to hold his hand, kiss him good night, or even be able to call him his boyfriend.
Renjun sits up. Boyfriend, is that what they are now? The thought of it terrifies Renjun, though he’s not sure why.
Yukhei groans from his spot on the floor and Renjun turns to look at him. He’s mostly uncurled himself, his shirt riding up exposing his tan stomach, and Renjun’s mouth dries up.
Overthinking has always been a problem for Renjun, but now since he’s started becoming closer to Yukhei, it’s gotten worse. He seconds guesses everything he says to the elder, everything Yukhei says to him, the fleeting touches between the two, and it’s suffocating him.
Renjun is tired of it all, he so badly wants it to stop, but he doesn’t know how. Maybe he could tell Yukhei what’s been going through his head, but the idea of allowing himself to be that vulnerable around the other terrifies him.
Yukhei sits up and smiles at him, so Renjun has to wipe the helpless look off of his face and replace it with a blank stare. He watches Yukhei’s smile falter, but the older boy is used to Renjun getting scared and putting up a front, so he nods and gets up.
He sighs as Yukhei sits down next to him, and wraps his arms around Renjun. His breathing is shaky, all the thoughts in his head overwhelming him, but he can’t say a word.
They sit like that for awhile, Yukhei slowly rocking Renjun back and forth, a hand trailing up and down his back comfortingly, while he whispers small encouragements and praises into Renjun’s hair.
Renjun realizes as they sit there that nobody makes him feel as safe as Yukhei does, and that thought terrifies him the most out of all the things running through his head.
The clock on his bedside table reads 3:28 am, he can hear Jeno’s soft breathing coming from the younger’s bed, and yet Renjun can’t find it in himself to sleep. It’s not like he doesn’t want to, he can’t remember the last time he got a good night’s sleep, but his brain won’t let him, too many thoughts zooming around in his head desperate for Renjun to acknowledge them.
Renjun sighs, turning over onto his side, and stares at the pictures of Yukhei and him that he hung up on the wall next to his bed. Both boys look happy in every picture; if they’re not smiling, they’re staring at the other with fond looks on their faces.
He feels warm looking at the photos, Yukhei’s ability to make him feel better even works through photographs. Renjun’s breath falters as he stares at the older boy in one of the photos, Yukhei’s staring at him with a look on his face that screams love.
Love.
Love scares Renjun. He’s not sure why maybe it’s the idea of allowing himself to be vulnerable to someone else, perhaps it's just uncharted territory to him, and Renjun doesn’t like to go into things headfirst without a plan, or maybe he doesn’t feel worthy of Yukhei’s love.
He knows that at first, and maybe even now still, Yukhei didn’t like him for him, but for the idea he had of Renjun in his head. It’s what made him ignore the elder time and time again because he knew that if he got closer to Yukhei, he’d see the contradictions in who Renjun is and who he thought Renjun is, and his feelings would leave.
The thought of Yukhei leaving him makes his stomach contract in fear, because even though sometimes he desperately wants the other to leave him alone, when the thoughts in his head get too overwhelming, and the only way he knows how to get them to stop is to isolate himself, he’s gotten so used to Yukhei’s surprisingly calming presence that Renjun doesn’t know what he’d do without him.
Renjun remembers the beginning, Yukhei trying desperately to get his attention and himself refusing. The whole idea of getting close to Yukhei was entirely out of his comfort zone, and for some reason even then the older boy made him feel vulnerable.
That scares him, being out of his comfort zone and being vulnerable, and Yukhei made and still does make him feel both of those horrible feelings at the same time. But what scares him the most is that he doesn’t dislike being around the elder, like he initially thought.
Yukhei makes him feel all the feelings he hates the most, but he also makes him feel safe and loved, and that is what scares him the most.
Moments the two have spent together blur together in his mind, and Renjun can’t possibly decipher his feelings on his own. Before he can stop himself, he reaches for his phone and dials a number.
The phone rings for a couple of moments before a soft voice speaks, “Good morning Renjun, why are you calling me in the middle of the night.”
Renjun huffs out a sort of laugh, “Hey Kun ge, sorry for this but I think I need some advice.”
He can hear Kun sighing on the other side of the line, “Wouldn’t you rather call Yukhei, you two seem pretty close nowadays.”
“He’s kind of the problem,” Renjun sighs, flipping over onto his back, “okay no, not really the problem, but he’s not really helping either.”
The older boy laughs tiredly, “What’s on your mind kid.”
“Feelings are hard,” he whines into the phone, picking at a loose thread on his comforter. Renjun pulls his bottom lip into his mouth and bites down, hard, needing to ground himself because these are the hours of the night where things begin to feel unreal, and he needs the reminder that he’s there.
Kun is silent on the other side of the line, and Renjun knows him well enough to know that he’s trying to come up with the best way to tell Renjun his opinions on the situation, “Can I tell you what I see everytime you and Yukhei are together?”
Renjun stays silent, afraid of what the elder will say, but that doesn’t stop Kun from continuing, “When you’re together anyone could see how much you two mean to each other, from the fleeting looks you send him to the quite literal heart eyes he always has when looking at you, it’s obvious there’s something more there.”
“Something more?” Renjun doesn’t recognize his voice, small and afraid.
“He loves you Renjun, I know you don’t want to admit it to yourself, but he does, and anyone could see that you love him too. I don’t know what you’re afraid of, but don’t you think you’re allowed to be happy?”
Renjun swallows and closes his eyes tight, desperately willing himself not to cry, or even more embarrassing, spill all the little things that he’s so desperately wanted to say these past few months. Like, why him? Why does Yukhei love him? Why has he stuck around after continuously being shut down?
He knows the answer to at least one of those questions; it’s quite literally staring him right in the face. Yukhei loves him.
Kun pauses, waiting to see if Renjun will say anything, and continues when the other boy doesn’t, “Everything will be okay Renjun, as long as you have him. He won’t leave you; these past few months are proof of that. Please, put down the walls you’ve built up, let him in, let yourself love him like he loves you.”
“Thank you,” Renjun’s voice is barely above a whisper, and for the first time this week he feels light like everything is going to be okay.
They say their goodbyes and Renjun hangs up the phone, staring at his lock screen for a moment. It’s a picture of him and Yukhei, of course, and he smiles before plugging his phone back in and snuggling into the blankets, finally ready to sleep.
Boyfriends has quite a nice ring to it, he thinks.
Both boys are a mess of giggles as they lay on Yukhei’s bed, there’s barely enough room for them, but they’re too caught up in each other to care. They just finished a movie, something that’s become a tradition between the two, movie nights at least once a week.
Now Yukhei is attempting to start a tickle fight, and he’s going an excellent job. Renjun laughs loudly, almost yelling at Yukhei to seize his attack on Renjun’s sides, but it is all in vain. He writhes around trying to get the elder to let go, which he does thankfully.
Renjun lies on his back, taking in gulps of breath he didn’t have a few moments ago, while Yukhei is on his side, head resting on his open palm, looking at him fondly. He calms down after a few moments, turning to face the older boy.
They stare at each other for a moment, and Yukhei plops his hand down on the pillow, raising his hand to push Renjun’s bangs out of his eyes. Yukhei leaves his hand cupping his cheek, and Renjun feels his mouth go dry.
Renjun slowly pulls Yukhei closer, his eyes barely shut. Their mouths are so close yet not touching, and he feels warm, so warm like a fire has been lit underneath his skin. He can feel Yukhei’s breath fanning across his lips, and he wants more.
“I can’t do it,” Yukhei whispers. Renjun opens his eyes and shifts backward, staring at the older boy.
Yukhei looks about as vulnerable as Renjun feels, “Why not?”
“I want to,” he licks his lips, “God I really fucking want to it’s just.”
Renjun feels like he’s floating, though not in a good way, “Just what.” His voice is barely above a whisper, and if his hands weren’t desperately clutching at the front of Yukhei’s shirt, they’d be shaking.
“I’m scared; I’m so scared. I’m scared that, that this isn’t real, that you don’t feel the same as I do. There are times when I feel like you want nothing to do with me and then times when I feel like you like me just as much as I like you.” He’s rambling, and if anything else were happening right now, Renjun would comment on how cute it was.
Yukhei looks at him in the eyes, and well, he’s always worn his heart on his sleeve. Renjun can see every emotion he’s feeling right now, the fear, the vulnerability, and the love. His love for Renjun is painfully clear as it’s always been, but now it’s in a way that Renjun can’t avoid.
After months of running away and avoiding both of their feelings, Renjun is faced with a situation in which he can’t do precisely that. He’s being forced to deal with his emotions and their repercussions, and surprisingly he’s not scared, he’s relieved.
“At first you were such a mystery to me, and that was the main part of why I liked you. I had this idea of you in my head, and I desperately wanted to know more, to get closer to you, and yeah, it sucked having you ignore me over and over again, but I get it now.” Yukhei’s looking at him almost in awe, the amount of love on his face makes Renjun feel something.
He smiles at Renjun, “You are so wonderful Renjun, I’ve learned so many things about you, and maybe you’re not at all what I was expecting, but I am so okay with that. I’ve completely and utterly fallen for you, the real you, and everything that you are.”
Renjun is at a complete loss for words, he wasn’t expecting that at all, and he can’t help himself from blurting out the question he’s been pondering for the past week.
“Will you be my boyfriend?”
Yukhei looks at him with disbelief in his eyes, carefully staring back into Renjun’s own trying to figure out if this is real. That the one thing he’s wanted for weeks, maybe months, is finally something he can have.
He swallows loudly, “Are you sure?”
Renjun begins to laugh, throwing his head forward to knock his forehead against Yukhei’s. His eyes flutter shut, feeling Yukhei’s breath fanning across his lips, “Yeah Xuxi, I’m sure.”
Yukhei’s eyes widen, elated at his answer, and pulls Renjun into a kiss. He smiles, wrapping his arms around Yukhei’s neck, and pulls himself closer to the other boy.
Maybe they still need to work somethings out, maybe Renjun’s fears will come back or be realized, but at this moment he doesn’t care. He has Yukhei, someone that loves him unconditionally, who knows what he feels when things become too much and he doesn’t even know them, and that’s all he needs to know that everything will be okay.