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Dan asked himself how had he ended up in this situation, again. Bouncing on Phil's cock like that was what he did for a living, riding his lap and fucking himself into oblivion. Giving into it and trying to relax his mind, waiting impatiently for the endorphins to drown out his worries, to fill the gaps of dopamine and shoo away the nasty intrusive thoughts, insistently nagging at the back of his head. But instead he found himself questioning his own life choices again, lost inside his mind, where no one should see him have his stupid dreams and stupider breakdowns. Because he was convinced it was all in his head.
Dan didn't remember when this whole trend had started, it had always been sort of a thing they did. Whenever a new game episode came out, it became the number one priority in their to-do list. But as this games could take several days of full dedication to complete, it wasn't exactly a walk in the park, and in the end they were only humans. So they needed a little motivation. A carrot on a stick, a prize to look forward to, a reward for the hard work, an energy boost to continue forward. And that motivation, was sex. No feelings, no extra kissing, no warm cuddling, no mention of it afterwards. Just raw physical pleasure to get them through endless, tiring gaming sessions. 'Cause, yeah, they are professional gamers, but everyone needs a little motivation. That's how they manage to complete entire games in a couple days, that's the trick, in case you were wondering.
And it worked. Pretty well, if their history record was any proof. They had system well established by now, a protocol, or a routine, if you prefer: As soon as the game arrived in the post they stopped everything else they were doing and prepared everything they would need, gathering stuff on the coffee table, between the TV and the couch, so they didn't have to leave the room if it weren't necessary. It was usually Dan who initiated it, horny as ever, eagerly removing innecessary items of clothing until the skin was bare against the couch. They indulged a bit of kissing, in the foreplay, just to warm it up. But the kisses were always too hot and too needy, the touches rough, quick and a bit aggressive. Totally primal and meaningless. At least that's how Dan percieved it, or rathed how Dan tried to keep it. Once he was ready, Dan sat on Phil's lap, turning his back to him, of course, and sank down the entire length in one go, cause he said he liked it rough. He emitted a cry of pleasure, so guilty and concealed, it sounded more like desperation.
And all of it worked always. Well, at least it used to. Until Dan couldn't deny the existance of his feelings anymore. They had been silently bottling up since the beginning, and like a mosquito bite, the more he tried to suppress and deny them, the more violent and strong they grew, to the point where this lack of comunication and apparently meaningless sex felt like a huge prank on him. And it was all in his head, he was convinced it was just him, making stupid things up. He was so in his head all the time that the bottling up was now an angrily boiling pot, pushing the lid and threatening to spill out all its pesky contents.
The moment he opened the package containing the new Donkey Kong game that morning, he knew it was about to go down. And here he was, an arm thrown over his head and sweat running down his body. The other hand was blindly grabbing thigh flesh in front of him, to support himself. The lower half of his body was straining with the effort to keep the fast, steady, rhythmic motion, up and down, up and down. The heavy breaths coming out of his mouth sometimes turned into whiny moans or loud groans. Dan was loud even when he pretended he didn't like it.
Because he did. Of course he did like it. The gliding of Phil's dick in and out of his arsehole felt amazing. It slotted so easily there, it was the perfect size and shape, almost as if it were tailor-made for Dan's precious ass. And the more he thought about it, the deeper it sunk, the more it pressed all his walls in just the right directions, the more delicious it felt. It was way better than amazing, but he couldn't find a word for it right now.
But it wasn't the strange guilt of starting to enjoy it with the emotional brain more than with the nerves, what was killing him. Not even the bloody unrequited feelings and stupid dreams he had. The worst was the thought that Phil might love him back. No, that was completely impossible. Dan could deal with a bit more of self deprecation on his own. But he could never get his hopes up, not with Phil. Because Dan had been in love with Phil since the very beginning, and had been trying so hard all this years to conceal it, suppress it, because Phil was so sweet, and he didn't seem to share those feelings, at least the way Dan did at the start. So he ignored everything that had been happening between them lately, because he couldn't fall down the rabbit hole again. He couldn't convince himself it could be real. Certainly Phil couldn't love him back.
An that's why he was suffering right now, when he was supposed to enjoy himself. He was wrestling with all this emotions, trying his best to deny it, all in vain. Because Phil was still there, and he couldn't make that disappear.
Phil had this inexplicable and annoying tendency to try to act sweet and considerate even when Dan is roughly fucking himself on his dick. Dan had guessed it right, his friend was a vanilla sucker. I mean, who the hell fucks with glasses on, that's fucking adorable. He respected Dan's choice of position, alleging practicality, but continuously insisted that Dan turned his head to the side and spared him a kiss here and there, alleging physical connection. Phil politely kept his hands on Dan's hips most of the time, to guide and help with the movement. Those big palms, the steady contact, the warmth, the precise pressure..., there was something about the reassurance it brought that was extremely unsettling. Phil was quiet during sex, by nature, but he let out a constant stream of small guttural sounds that, if his deep voice made your spine tingle, his grunts, low, husky and melodic made Dan's insides turn in unacceptable ways. Like when Dan was too far gone to care and he pulled his torso closer to his chest. Or when Phil mouthed softly at the back of his neck, or when he randomly dropped kisses on his back. Or when Phil wrapped his hand around his belly when he was close. Or when he trailed open-mouthed wet kisses in a sloppy path up his shoulder and neck, searching for Dan's lips like a golden treasure and not settling until he'd found them. Or when he came, whole chest pressed agaisnt his back, forehead on his neck, and his name on his lips.
Dan always told himself that it was just how Phil liked to get off. And that's that, Phil's weird kink or whatever. Or when he painfully went ot finish himself off, and had to swat Phil's hand away from his red and leaking cock, to replace it with his own fist. And he moaned out with a single, faint “Ph-Phil...” almost as courtesy. And shut his eyes tight, swallowing down the pain in his chest.
A couple of hours or so (who keeps the notion of time?) soared by, and the first world was almost complete. It wasn't particularly frustrating, or rather they weren't burned out yet. They could've speed ran through most of the levels, if they weren't so intent on collecting all the puzzle pieces and miscelaneous items in every level. They had their usual nice banter going on, teasing, and fussing over the controls, and helping each other out when their mind connection couldn't predict each other's movements. This was great, gaming was great, but Dan's mind was still floating elsewhere. He tried to concentrate as much as possible on the screen, the colourful backgrounds and their two little characters cheerfully jumping around. Because he was still tense about all of this, about them now... but he shouldn't be, he was usually ok, this is what they did every time, -. Dan was sat on Phil's lap, comfortably resting on his thighs, slumped back against his chest, both of them still naked. It was maybe the comfort, it was maybe the laziness, it was maybe the pleasant shared body heat, it was maybe the fun they were having or the disgustingly domestic intimacy of their relationship, or it was maybe them being fucking naked on the couch, but sommething about the tender happiness and normalness taking over his body was making Dan feel sick and itchy all over.
Phil, on the other hand, wasn't nearly as tense as Dan. He rested his head on the brunet's shoulder and commented animatedly. And when he concentrated on a difficult part he hid his face, nose poking out over his shoulder, and eyes blown wide behind big, black rimmed glases (his flatmate's cuteness could've made Dan melt if only he dared look at him). The levels were completed, one after the other, but Dan wished they weren't. And Phil held the controller with his arms tangled around Dan's and resting on his stomach, and Dan wished he didn't because it was almost like a cuddling embrace. And Phil spoke softly next to Dan's ear about whatever stupid thing crossed his mind, and Dan wished he wouldn't because his pink lips were too close to his skin.
When they started the last level in world 1, Dan's guts turned and twisted. And he told himself there was no reason for that to happen. He told himself Phil only praised and encouraged him because he wanted to finish the game quickly. He told himself Phil was growing excited against his rear because of the adrenalin of the game. He told himself he was getting hard too because he knew what was coming. He told himself Phil tangled their feet together even more because he was getting leg cramps. And he told himslef Phil subtly stroke his thumb over Dan's hand because that's just what Phil does.
The same way he told himself that's just how Phil likes to be, his weird selfless manners, some inexplicable kindness. Like the mornings when he woke up and found hot chocolate and toast ready on the kitchen counter. Or the days when depression hit hard and he was a grumpy sulky prick, and Phil beared with him and looked happy to take care of Dan. Or the holidays with the Lesters (if that alone wasn't weird enough) when Phil took them somewhere quiet away from the people. Or the nights when insomnia was bad and he could tell Phil stood outside his room's door, watching him, concerned and protective, until he stopped tossing and turning. Or when he acted as his life organizer and reminded him to eat, work and rest throughout the day. Or when he non-accidentally sat really close and had a habit not to care about personal space or where his limbs were resting. Or when he asked him for editing tips, or camera work, or video acting, or script checks, and Phil was always free for him. Or when they texted constantly when not at home, and skyped almost as much as in 2009. Or when Dan asked if he was bothered by any of it and Phil said he didn't mind it at all, with a smile so warm and geniune it could melt the fucking sun.
Dan always tried to convince himself it didn't really mean anything, it didn't really matter. That was just, Phil. He was just the nicest person in the world, Dan told himself. Except Phil was only this happy with Dan. Only cared this much for Dan. All of those things only made sense because Phil did it all for Dan. And Dan definitely didn't want to think about it, because the more he did, the less he could convince himself that it was just as meaningless as this sporadic sex. He was thinking too much, he squeezed his eyes shut and his lips wobbled in a pained frown.
Phil yeeted triumphantly when he finally beat the last boss. Success, world 1 cleared in record time. Following their routine, it was time for a reward, some more motivation.
“Great! We finished it, amazing job!” Dan turned around to smile at him, although it didn't quite reach his eyes.
“Yeah, wow! We're doing really well this time.” Phil threw his hands into the air in excitement.
Dan got up from Phil's legs and tried to put on a sexy voice “That's right. And you know what that means.” It was always like this, every time they finished a stage or a particularly difficult level, Dan blew Phil. And if the younger man was feeling specially tense, Phil jerked him off too.
“This game is really fun. And I think the characters are so cool.” Phil was genuinely happy, he was glowing. He was happy because of, Dan?- No, he was just happy for nailing the levels, yeah. “We should play it again sometime, don't you think?”
It was clear that Phil was trying to get his attention, but Dan just couldn't, didn't want to think right now. His eyes were cast down and miserable as he sank to his knees in between Phil's pale but strong legs, to do the only thing he did well.
“But we're just playing it right now.”
“I know but- Hey, Dan, wait. Is everything ok?” he cupped Dan's cheek to make him look up. Phil always could tell when something was off.
Dan pulled his shortest fake smile and said “I'm fine.”
“You can tell me, Dan. Has something upset you?”
“No.”
“Sure?”
Dan grabbed the hand pressing against his cheek. In any other situation he'd probably want to kiss it, but now it felt inapropriate. Phil probably wanted him to kiss it right now, but Dan didn't want to. He rested it on top of his head “You can tug.”
Phil stood there immobile, as Dan moved his face closer and wrapped his hand around his cock, stroking it to full hardness.
“Wait, Dan, do you want to stop?”
“I said I'm fine.”
“Is there something you want to talk about?”
“Not now Phil.” Dan stuck his tongue out and moistened up the tip in one sweep. Phil shuddered and when he took the head in his hot mouth he finally shut up.
To be honest, Dan was pretty ok with this. It was rumored that he had a skilled mouth, and it wasn't a lie. His mouth was very wet and so hot, as well as quite sensitive as to notice his partner's soft spots and work them mercilessly. His tongue swirled around restlessly and he let saliva drip down the shaft to slick it up for later, no matter how dirty it looked. Maybe he did have an oral fixation because Phil tasted all too sweet and natural by now. Dan swallowed him down, more than he should in the first go, but he just needed to stop thinking. And the only way he knew how to shut his brain down right now was deepthroating his friend.
Dan was a fast worker with almost no gag reflex, so it only took him a few quick bobs to fit Phil's cock inside his mouth. He adjusted slowly over the last centimetres until his red lips were firmly wrapped around the base. He waited for a certain kind of reaction, but all he got were sharp yelps of pleasure, panting breaths, and his name among other incoherent grunting sounds. A part of him wanted to just hear that for the rest of eternity, and another part wanted it to stop right now. When he found himslef nuzzling his nose into Phil's soft pubic hair and drinking in his unmistakable scent, he realized he had to stop thinking and just do.
He popped off so fast that he actually gagged a little. He took air in and inmediately leaned back low and gave a teasing lick from base to tip.
“Oh- Fuck, Dan!”
That's how he liked it. Dan took him again in his mouth and blew him raw, rough, meaningless. He hated how Phil ran his hand through his curls, roaming and a bit desperate, but merely threading his fingers and playing with it. It almost felt like a scalp massage, goddamnit! Dan licked more insistently and sucked hard, and pressed his tongue against every single nerve endidng, until Phil was finally tugging hard on his hair. Phil was babbling nonsense and squirming under him, devoting all his strength to keep his hips from thrusting. Dan dragged his mouth up and flicked his tongue over the tip one last time, and Phil was coming without time to warn him, not that he minded it at all. He moaned Dan's name, loud and helpless, and Dan found it harder every time to convince himself it didn't mean anything.
“Wow... Wow, Dan. That was...” Dan collected himself and stood up, head low and eyes as dead as before “That was something else! S-sorry I didn't- I got too excited-”
“Don't worry about it, Phil.” Dan said in monotone, as he went to sit back on Phil's lap.
Phil held him still by the shoulders and stared intensely at him through his glasses “I-I don't know what to say... ” His brows were drawn up a bit and his cheeks were glowing scarlet. His broad chest moved up and down, and his quiff was messier than this morning. He was, gorgeous. “... Thank you.”
He pulled him down and kissed him slow. And this was too much for Dan. They didn't kiss, this wasn't dirty or rushed, this was soft and loving, and Dan couldn't let himself relish it, because it was meaningful.
Dan broke away and shut his eyes tight “No, I-I can't do it, Phil.”
“What-Why?” Dan pushed away and rose to his feet. Phil grabbed his hand “Dan,”
“I- Sorry. I can't-”
“W-What's wrong? What happens?”
“I can't do this anymore!” Phil let go of his hand. He wanted to run away, but his feet didn't move.
Phil had the most concerned and sad look ever “I'm so sorry, if I did anything wrong. But I'm afraid I don't know what you mean.”
Dan sighed heavily “This,” he waved his arms around “us, everything!” he hissed.
Phil's eyebrows drew closer up on his forehead.
“Fuck. Sex!”
Phil gasped and covered his mouth with his hands “God, you're not saying-”
“-No, it's not that, don't panic. But I just-” he rubbed his hands over his face and sighed exhasperated. He was almost certain he was going to cry “I can't keep doing this, Phil.”
“Sorry.”
“Stop fucking apologizing.” Phil closed his mouth “It's not even your fault. It's all mine.” he spit the words like bile, clenching his jaw.
“That's not true.”
“How? You don't even know what I'm talking about.”
“But I know it's not your fault.”
“Shit. See? That's what I'm talking about, you can't be that sentimental. This was supposed to be meaningless sex, and you're making it intimate and romantic.”
“I-I thought you wanted it too...” Phil lowered his head down like a lost puppy.
“Of course- ” Dan said it low to himself like an edgy remark, but when he heard himself suddenly everything clicked into place. He had been all this time walking in the dark, trying to figure out how many Phils did it take to change his lightbulb, and he couldn't see the answer had been in front of him the whole time. Just one. And he switched it on while he was at it, lighting up his face with sudden happiness. “Of course!”
Phil still looked pretty confused and a bit startled when Dan threw himself back on his lap.
“Are you saying what I think you're saying?!” Dan said, his eyes wide.
“You- You like me?”
Dan laughed with joy and threw his head back, biting his lower lip. “YES!”
“Are you having an epiphany?”
“Oh God, I can't believe this is happening. After all this time I can finally admit it.”
Phil chuckled, amused at how happy Dan was “I feel like we'll have so much to talk about.”
“Do you have an idea how long I've been pining over you like a dumb teenager?”
Phil smiled softly “I think I do.”
“Fuck, I have been waiting for centuries to say this.” Dan leaned on until he was millimetres appart from Phil's face.
“Yeah?”
“I love you, Phil, I love you.” Dan kissed him, soft, and gentle, and meaningful. Just how he likes it.
When he pulled back, smiling, he could see tears in the older man's eyes. “Phil?” he cupped his cheek and slipped a thumb under his glasses to wipe out a tiny drop.
“Nothing, sorry.” Phil shook his head and smiled back. He looked deep into his eyes and said “I love you too, Dan.” and inmediately kissed him back.
Either happy-crying or dumb-smiling the kiss was perfect. Too perfect to have just one. And once started it was impossible to give it up. Kiss after kiss it became needier and progressively more passionate, without it having to lead anywhere. For the first time this was just for the sake of kissing each other within an inch of their lifes, and it was fucking amazing. Bit ironic they had been having sex for years and didn't know how to properly make out. Well, that is until now.
In the haze of too many emotions and not enough space in the chest to contain them, Phil was feeling there was too much space between them and not enough body contact. So he took off his glasses with clumsy hands and ditched them, hoping they didn't break. He deepened the kiss, opening his mouth more and pressing his tongue past Dan's lips and making him moan softly. This kind of kissing was so different from the other, Dan could take care of all those delicious little details. How could've he tried to avoid this before? Phil would always taste sweet, taste like home. And, yeah, the sex was good, but to hell with it, this was actually amazing.
Dan let himself be driven by his wild thumping heart and ended up pushing them down to lay on the couch, kissing until they didn't know how to breathe anymore. He eventually pulled away and panted into Phil's side “Well that was something else.”
Phil bursted out laughing. “I'd love to keep on going, but I think I need a rest now.”
“Can your heart take it?” Dan said, and pressed a kiss on his chest, over his heartbeat.
“Not that much at once.” Phil stroked his back affectionatley.
“Well, you better recover quick and do good in the game, because I'm gonna beat your ass.”
“I expect you to.”
Dan gave him a 'wtf' side look and Phil giggled and smiled playfully.