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"We should get some sleep," Asra said to the apprentice as a distant clock tower chimed midnight. "We've been practicing for a long time and you need to replenish your magic."
"You're right," she said with a yawn and a stretch. "Good night, Master."
She didn't notice the way that Asra's gaze lingered on her as she retreated to her bedroom, the way he dug his nails into his palms to stop himself from embracing her, the way he clenched his jaw when she called him "Master." Why would she notice? It would never even occur to her to watch his body language the way he watched hers. He sighed, blowing out the last candle before ascending the stairs to his own bedroom, where he would probably lie awake for hours thinking about the way she used to kiss him, back when she knew who they were. I'll have to take another trip soon, he thought to Faust, who chirped her agreement. He tried to spend as much time as he could in the shop with Roselle, but sometimes it was just too painful. I'm a selfish person, Faust, he thought, pushing the door open. I'm selfish for staying so close to her and I'm selfish for leaving her behind. I...
His thoughts were interrupted, and he stopped dead in his tracks - Julian Devorak was standing at the windowsill, casually examining one of his gloved hands as if breaking and entering into your former lover's home was a perfectly ordinary Thursday evening for him. For all Asra knew, it probably was. He didn't know what Julian got up to these days, and he didn't care to know.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded. "You can't be in here."
Julian grinned. He hadn't returned to Vesuvia for the sole purpose of annoying Asra, but he had to admit, it felt pretty good. "Why ever not?" he asked.
"Because you're wanted for murder, Ilya, and I can't protect you." And he didn't need an old flame further complicating his feelings about Roselle, but Asra would never admit that to Julian.
Julian scoffed. "I'm more than capable of protecting myself, Asra, and I don't recall you being the type to turn in a fugitive... What's the real reason? Are you worried that your girlfriend will see me? Is she the type to turn me in, or - worse! - will she be jealous?" His tone was even more dramatic than usual. He wanted to see Asra squirm.
Asra felt his cheeks burning hot. "She's not my girlfriend," he said emphatically, "And no, that's... That has nothing to do with it."
Julian was genuinely surprised to learn that Asra hadn't taken up with his beloved apprentice as soon as the dust had settled. "Why aren't you with her? I mean, you went through enough trouble to save her... Does she even know?"
"How could she know?" Asra's heart pounded in his chest. Julian was the last person in the world he wanted to be having this conversation with.
Julian frowned. "What do you mean?"
"Ilya... She has no memories of anything that happened before. None. Whatsoever. She doesn't know... She doesn't know who we were, who she was! And I can't tell her... I can't..." Asra's voice broke and he trailed off, swallowing hard and biting his lower lip. He was determined not to break down in front of Julian, but his resolve was fading fast. He hadn't really talked to anyone about this aside from Faust, and while she was an excellent familiar, she mostly spoke in telepathically-delivered one-word answers.
"Why can't you just..." Julian wiggled his fingers. "Use your magic and fix her?" He was vaguely aware of Asra's agitation, but he didn't quite care enough to adopt a more serious tone. He was bitter and it felt good to hurt Asra back.
"Don't you think I've tried?" Asra snapped. His hands balled into fists and his eyes stung. "I've tried everything, but she's... She's not strong enough yet. The memories... I don't know why, but when she tries to remember, with or without magic, it hurts her. I hurt her, and I love her so much and I can't even tell her because I'm afraid I'm going to-- to break her..." He was sobbing openly now, tears streaming down his face.
Julian hated Asra's face; he hated the fact that he looked perfect and beautiful even when he was a crumpled, weeping mess. He stood in silence for a moment, letting Asra cry, then pulled his small frame into a protective embrace. He hated Asra, but he would never stop loving him.
"I'm afraid I'm going to lose her again, Ilya, so I have to be distant, cold, even though I just want to take her in my arms and feel her heartbeat and tell her how much she means to me... And she calls me 'Master,' and I hate that more than anything... And I know she resents me when I go away without explaining why, and that I don't answer her questions and..." he took a breath and looked up into Julian's hooded grey eyes. "Do you know what that's like, Ilya? To love someone, for them to be so close... and yet..."
Neither of them knew how it had started, but somehow, they were kissing one another forcefully, fueled by passion and loneliness and love and hate and affection and resentment. Julian pulled away first, studying Asra's flushed, tear-streaked face. "Asra... I'm sorry if... We... I shouldn't have..."
"Don't apologize for anything," said Asra, gently directing Julian towards his bed. "I think I need you."
---
Asra was curled up by his side, and for a moment Julian thought that he was asleep. Then he broke the silence.
"This doesn't mean..." Asra began, letting the end of his sentence hang in the air.
Julian felt a knot tighten in his chest and it was hard to breathe. "I know," he said after a long moment. Of course he knew. He knew all about Asra and his complete disregard for anyone else's feelings. Asra had called Julian manipulative, but Julian knew that he was a hypocrite.
Asra sighed softly, turning his back to Julian and pulling his knees to his chest. He realized in that moment that perhaps Julian did know what it was like to love someone who couldn't love you in the same way. He shuddered with guilt, which only intensified as Julian laid a comforting hand on his shoulder. I should apologize, he thought, I should say something. Anything. "So why did you come back, really?" He winced inwardly at his own cold, matter-of-fact tone. Anything but that.
"I just missed you so very much, Asra; I needed to see your face." There was more truth to that reply than Julian cared to admit, but he had hidden it beneath a thick coat of sarcasm and he hoped that Asra wouldn't hear it.
"Ha, ha." The sarcasm wasn't making Asra feel any better, and he then felt even more guilty for wishing that Julian had said something to make him feel better.
"I have some unfinished business in Vesuvia. There are things that don't add up and I need answers." And I have nowhere else to turn and I’m weak and lonely so I came to you, like a damned fool.
"What kind of answers?"
"Ah, now that I really can't tell you."
Asra rolled back over to look at Julian, watching him closely. He couldn't place the emotions that were on the pale man's face, but he decided that he was probably telling the truth. "You don't have to tell me. But Julian... If you ever need anything while you're back in Vesuvia..." He held out a hand and a small, copper key materialized on his palm. "I'm here for you. Anything you need."
Julian quirked a brow, uncertain of whether he was reading too much into the way that Asra had emphasized the word "anything." Julian had been known to romanticize things, but... He took the key anyway, setting it gingerly on the bedside table because he didn’t have any pockets to hide it away in. It didn’t matter what Asra’s intentions were. Not right now, anyway.
Asra worked his way back into Julian's arms and they sat together for a long time. Julian absentmindedly ran his fingers through Asra's white hair, trying and failing not to fixate on how soft it was. Finally, he broke the silence. "She'll find her way back to you, you know."
"... What?" Asra blinked, as if coming out of a trance.
"I said what I meant. She might not remember who you were, but with or without your history... She'll find her way back. She's probably closer than you realize."
"How do you know?"
"Because you're you, Asra, and you're impossible to escape."
---
When Asra awoke, it was as if Julian had never been there, which didn't surprise him. He knew that the doctor would be back, sooner rather than later, so he tried to put Julian out of his mind and ambled down the stairs.
Roselle had already made breakfast and was starting to clean up after herself. "Good morning!" she said cheerfully, watching him rub sleep from his eyes as he sat down at the table. She loved little moments like this, when he was a little bit sleepy or hungry and his guard was down. On the surface, Asra didn't seem like a particularly guarded person, but she knew him well enough to watch for the little moments and revel in them. "Or should I say afternoon.... Did you stay up late?"
He nodded wordlessly, stifling a yawn as he served himself from the plate that she had left out for him.
"Well, you shouldn't do that, you know. It's bad for your health." She held a stern, matter-of-fact expression that quickly dissolved into a mischievous grin.
"A magician can keep any schedule he pleases," Asra said in a faux-haughty voice and with a wide grin of his own.
"What were you working on?" she asked. It was a test. She had a feeling he wouldn't answer, but she wanted to see if maybe…
He shrugged. "Nothing too interesting. I just lost track of the time." How could he even begin to tell her about what had happened last night? Even if she was her old self, he would be too ashamed to show her what kind of person he could be.
Her heart sank so deep in her chest that it hurt. What was she doing wrong, to make him think that he couldn't tell her why he spent so many restless nights, why he disappeared for weeks, why he was so close... and yet... She swallowed hard. "Oh, okay. Well, uh. Don't do that," she said, snapping a pair of finger guns and forcing another grin. They were both at their happiest when things were light and playful, and she wanted most of all for him to be happy. He made her feel safe and special and he gently guided her through each new task as if watching her learn was the most impressive and important thing he had ever seen. She thought, sometimes, in the little moments, that he might even like her in the way that she liked him. But then he put his guard up and it was gone again. So she tried to keep things light.
Asra bit his lip. The way her face had fallen when he had brushed her off had not escaped his notice, and he doubted that anyone would be fooled by her noble attempt at a smile. He wanted to apologize, to say something to make it better. "Do you want to go to the market this afternoon? I think we need to pick up a few things - maybe we can get some pumpkin bread on the way home?"
Her smile broadened into a real one at the suggestion. It was silly and simple, but a trip to the market with Asra always turned into a small, magical adventure. "I'd love to."
They gathered their things and fastened their cloaks and strolled out of the shop hand in hand. Maybe he really does like me, she thought in spite of herself. She knew that she was a damned fool, but how could she resist?