Work Text:
Dan can’t sleep. So he turns the fairy lights on, giving him some light when he feels like he’s in a dark mind frame. It’s just lights, doesn’t actually do anything but they’re something to look at, to take pictures of, to remind himself that regardless of what he’s feeling, there’s light. It’s there, existing when Dan can’t feel it or see it.
His thoughts are loud. Too loud for him to sleep, too suffocating for him to get up and walk the cabin, he can’t really reach for his phone to type something so he sits there concentrating on the way the bus is going at a consistent speed, thinking if maybe he can focus on that it can possibly lull him to sleep.
It doesn’t end up working and he feels kind of stuck again. So he looks at the time and it’s 4:30 in the morning. It just happens like that. It comes, it goes, and it stays gone for a while until it comes back again. Maybe it’s the back to back shows, maybe it’s the rush of meeting new people, maybe it’s the way that he sleeps or lack of sleeps, but it sits there in his bones, and things kind of ache but it’ll pass eventually. Hopefully.
He turns in his bunk, his face is towards the curtain he can poke his head out, maybe keep the driver company but then he thinks he probably doesn’t need Dan talking to him.
He sighs, and while he knows how much energy it’ll take out of him to do something on his phone he can play something that’ll distract his mind for a while.
He gets half into a game before he gets bored and unable to focus and he doesn’t want the bad score on his record so he doesn’t save it.
Instead he composes a text.
hi mum, can’t sleep. just wanted to see how you were doing?
He contemplated deleting the message. It’s dumb, she’s at work, too busy to answer—
A buzz.
Hello Daniel. What’s the time? Half past four is it? I’m doing fine, just some paperwork you know the usual x
Around, Dan sighs, looking at the clock again.
yeah it’s late or fairly early depending how you look at it
paperwork, yeah? sounds absolutely riveting.
He’d send an emoji but he decides against it.
He waits, grabbing his earbuds and picking the ‘calming’ playlist he made before tour started, it’s the same music he uses during his yoga.
Too much coffee? It is quite interesting actually but I’ll spare you the boring details x
Dan gulps at the message. It’s not that it’s hard to open up to his mother. It’s just that it’s new. There was a time when he shut his mum out because it was easier. There was guilt, not wanting her to know what he was going through despite the fact that she might have had an idea. A mother always knows in a way, he thinks, and it’s something he talks about a lot with his therapist, about what to share and what to hold back when it came to his mental health with his mum.
a bit of anxiety actually. i don’t really understand what’s causing it i guess
He waits, chewing on his nail before he realises what he’s doing. He stops, takes a deep breath.
I’m sorry to hear that Daniel. What do you usually do when you’re anxious?
He feels something in his chest. Maybe a bit of relief, maybe a bit of surprise.
normally i’d go for a walk or do some exercise i just cant right now
Dan looks at the fairy lights again, feeling a warm bulb between his fingers before he lets it go and the bulb swings back in place.
You know when you were a child you were a bit jumpy we’d have to swaddle you in a blanket to calm you down and it always seemed to work. You’re a big child now but it might help. Or some tea. You can never go wrong with tea x
For some reason, Dan doesn’t remember that, but he tends to block a lot of things like that out from his memory. He smiles a little, the weight in his chest isn’t one from pain, it’s from understanding, from being heard. He gulps the feeling down, grabbing the blanket now and pulling it over him.
that’s actually really helpful thank you mum x
He wants to say more, but that will have to do for now.
I miss you. Tell Phil I said hello. Try and get some sleep. Mum xx
He reads the texts over again before he turns his phone off for the night. His eyes gaze back to the fairy lights and then he turns them off. It’s dark in his bunk now, but he brings the blanket closer, burrowing himself in it and it’s warm. It may not fix everything, but it’s something.
He’ll make a cup of tea later.