Chapter Text
Spy rushed into the infirmary having sworn he could hear a child. He froze and stared down at a little boy, no more than three, in Medic's far too big clothes and glasses. The toddler was whimpering and whining, clutching the large vest in his little hands.
Spy's cigarette fell out of his mouth, "Doctor?"
Big, teary blue eyes looked up at him. The tot got to his feet and held up his arms to be picked up, subconsciously trusting the masked man. Spy picked him up.
"Doctor, how did this happen?"
He looked around.
"Doctor? Vhere? No shots! Bitte!" he pleaded with the Frenchman.
"Erm. Johann, how did this happen?"
"Don't know. Vhere ve?"
"The RED Base. Do you remember anything?"
"What's goin' on?"
He turned to see Engie behind him. Johann waved shyly.
"Whoa. What happened?"
"I have no idea, and I'm not sure he does either."
"Huh. Hey, little feller."
"Hallo."
"Make a friend with your Spy huh?" "Ja!"
"Well, we're gonna try and get you back to normal. Aww, hell, who's gonna tell the big guy?"
Spy handed Johann to the Texan quickly.
"Good luck!"
"Hey!" Engineer called after him, then looked down at the kid, "...Let's go get you something to eat, pardner."
"Okay."
He made his way to the kitchen, where Scout was pouring cereal.
"Where'd you get the kid, Engie."
"Johann," the little German said.
"Joahnn, but ain't the- holy crap. You mean-"
"Medic is in over his head again, yep."
"Just great. Uh, hey,... kiddo. You hungry?"
Johann nodded.
"Let's see what we got."
Engie opened the fridge. The tot perked up in his arms and pointed.
"Milk?"
"All rightie. Milk. Comin' up."
Scout opened the cupboards and brought over some cereals as Mikhail and Sniper made their way in for breakfast, with Demo and Soldier not far behind.
"Hey, little guy, want any of these to eat?" Scout asked.
"Who is child?"
Scout and Engie jumped.
"Uhhhh...."
Johann waved, and Sniper smiled.
"G'day, lil' Roo. What's your name?"
"Johann!" he chirped.
"Johann?" Heavy looked up at Engie. "Is not..."
"Yeah, Heavy, it is. It's Medic," Engie sighed, "He must have done somethin’ to himself."
Scout was now pouring Johann a bowl of cereal.
"What do we do, Engie? I mean, how do we fix the Doc?"
"I dunno. I'll go over what he was workin’ on and see if I can find anythin’."
"Go on, mate. We'll watch the little bugger."
"Yeah. Hey, Johann, you want to play catch after breakfast?"
"...Catch?"
"Yeah, with a ball?" Scout tried to explain.
He still looked confused.
"Don't worry, we'll teach ya, and I bet you'll have loads of fun," said Sniper.
"All right."
The child dug into his cereal.
Soldier finally reached them. Demo was quick to smile and make the child smile, but Sniper and Scout tensed as Solider reached them. You just never knew what the man was going to say or do next.
"...Hey, squirt. What's a growing kid doing eating gruel?" The man turned on Scout, "This is your doing you skinny dolt! Children need bacon!"
Promptly, he reached into the fridge and dumped a whole package of bacon into a pan.
"Can't trust any of you to do anything right."
Scout and Sniper looked at each other.
"That was... almost normal. Weird."
"You maggots get the flour and baking soda! Growing children need biscuits too!"
Johann watched all of this with a bemused expression. This adult was strange but nice in a way. The adult with one eye was funny and nice as he refilled Johann's milk.
"There ya go, laddie."
"Danke!" he chirped.
Soldier plopped a rasher of bacon and biscuits in front of Johann along with a jar of jam.
"Eat up, Maggot! Can't get big without protein!"
"That's a lot for a child, Soldier," said Spy as he decloaked.
Johann perked up at his presence and climbed down from his chair to go to the Frenchman with little arms up.
"Eating makes you big! Children should eat, sleep, and fight!"
"Solly, kids shouldn't fight. They should play, mate. Have fun."
Scout's jaw dropped as the usually high and mighty Spy bent down and picked up Johann.
"Play fighting is good to!"
"A little bit if I guess."
Johann pulled at Spy's mask curiously, and the man put a firm but gentle hand over his.
"Non, petite colombe. That must stay there."
Johann pouted.
"No, those big eyes won't work on me. Come, you should eat some of what Soldier gave you," he said, putting the toddler back in his seat.
Johann began nibbling the bacon. Spy opened a biscuit and spread it with jam for him.
"Danke,” he said politely.
"You're welcome."
He caught sight of Sniper smirking. Scout his disappeared to locate a ball better suited to playing catch with Johann than one of his hard baseballs.
"What is it, bushman?"
"Nothin'. Just watching."
"And smirking?"
"Well, hard not to with you playin' dad over there."
"Hmph," Spy turned up his nose at him.
Scout came down with a soccer ball in hand.
"This should be big enough for him to catch, right, Snipes?"
"Yep. That looks good."
Johann stopped eating once he was full and bounced outside, holding Sniper's hand. He giggled as he threw the soccer ball to Scout. Spy was cloaked nearby, keeping watch.
"Good throw," Sniper praised,
"All right. Throw it to Sniper now."
Scout gently tossed it back. He missed the catch but happily chased the ball as it rolled away.
"He's adorable," Scout commented, laughing.
"Yeah he is."
Spy followed Johann and the ball but decloaked and snatched up the child, leaping backwards.
"Spy?"
"Bushman, some assistance please."
Sniper started over and heard the rattling.
"Piss!"
He pulled up his rifle and looked for the snake's head.
"Gotcha."
He fired once, killing the snake.
"Good shot, Snipes!"
Spy looked at the shaking Johann.
"Johann, look at me. Did it bite you, petite colombe?"
Johann shook his head and hugged Spy.
"Good. Come, we will go inside for now."
Scout came up to Sniper.
"That was way too close."
"Agreed. Gonna hunt some rattlers. Tell Engie to get ready to make a stew tonight."
Sniper picked up the first rattler and tied it to his belt, heading off.
"Yeah," He headed inside, "Yo, Engie."
"What's up, Scout?"
Engie was tinkering with a tool.
"Snipes said to be ready to make stew tonight. He's out hunting rattlesnakes. One... one almost bit Johann," Scout said, trying to keep Heavy from hearing.
"Haven't had a rattlesnake stew in a while. Should be interestin'."
"Yeah."
Scout turned around right into MIkhail.
"Aw crap."
"You say leetle doktor vas bitten?!"
"No, Spy got him out of the way."
"Vhere is doktor now?!"
"Spy's got him."
Heavy went off to find them. He found Spy sitting in the living room with Johann on his lap, wrestling the remote away from Soldier and changing it to a kid-friendly show.
"MASH is a kid-friendly show! It's about AMERICANS!" Soldier was protesting.
"Cartoon are a better choice for one so young, Soldier. He does not need to watch about war and soldiers when he lives here."
The cartoon featured a cat and mouse fighting in hilarious ways.
Mikhail sat down beside them and pulled Johann into his lap, hugging him. The boy was confused but certainly wasn't about question more hugs, so he hugged back.
"Johann is okay?"
"Ja!"
"I assure you, Mikhail, he is unharmed. He even asked to see the snake now that it can't bite him."
"Good. Doktor should stay avay from bad snake!"
Scout passed by, ruffling his hair.
"Hey, tough guy, I'm headin' into town real quick. What's a toy you really, really want?"
"Teddy barchen!"
"Sure thing, pal. Hey, Engie, you got the keys?"
"Catch!"
Spy left Johann to watch cartoons with Mikhail and headed outside. It didn't take him long to find Sniper.
"Careful, Spook. Got a nest under the damn woodpile."
"A nest of them? Have you got them all?"
"Not yet. Killed the male, but the female's own in the hole. Got get her and the eggs, 'specially if Johann's gonna play outside."
"Is there anything I can do to help?"
"Yeah. We need to move the wood, carefully. She's down in the hole, but she ain't gonna stay there once we uncover it. Be ready with yer Dead Ringer."
Spy pulled out the watch and charged it.
"All right. Lets start movin'."
They began moving the wood, alert to the presence of the snake below them. The final piece was moved, and she lunged for Spy. Sniper struck with his kukri, cutting her in two.
"Ugh," Spy patted his shirt down when the dust cleared.
They destroyed the eggs and filled in the hole.
"That about does it," Sniper said.
"Good. Our young doctor can walk in safety."
They returned just as Scout did.
"I'm back! I got food, beer, and best of all, toys for a certain little tough guy!"
"Scout!"
Johann rushed out to him.
"Hey, little man! What's the magic word?"
"Bitte?"
Johann hugged his knees.
"Hey, tough and smart! Let me put the food away, and we'll open your toys, okay?"
"I can put the food away, mate," Sniper said as he and Spy walked up.
"Did you get the snakes?"
Scout handed over the bags.
"Yeah."
Johann was tugging both Scout and Spy to the living room rug. Scout laughed.
"Okay, lets see what we got, huh?"
Johann tugged on Spy's hand until the Frenchman resigned himself and sat down with them. Scout pulled a brown teddy bear with a red bow tie out of a bag first.
"Teddy!"
Johann hugged the fluffy bear. He held it up to show Spy and Mikhail, who had come to join them.
"What a lovely bear," Spy ruffled his hair.
Next came a box of Duplo Lego Bricks, which had all three of them looking confused. Spy had seen Lego Bricks in stores before but never these large ones.
"These are the newer Legos for younger kids. They can't choke on these," Scout said.
"Then ve can built towers, leetle Doktor."
"Yay!" he chirped, bouncing a little in Spy's lap.
"Not so hard, petit."
"Sorry."
A few toy cars and even, to everyone's amusement, a toy doctor's kit, Johann was happily playing on the rug with Scout and Mikhail, building a tower. Engie and Sniper set to work making dinner. Johann finally seemed to notice that Spy was gone and darted over to the man, who was standing at an open window. The Frenchman gently pushed him away.
"Non, petit, I am smoking."
"What's smoking?"
"It's a very bad habit, petit," he held up his cigarette, "This is a cigarette, if you see me with one then you may not get too close for a while."
"Why do it?"
"Because it relaxes me."
He gently nudged the tot.
"Go play, petit."
"All right..." Johann slowly walked away.
"Ya know there are other ways you could relax, Spook, if you could bare to quit smokin'."
"My vices are not your business, bushman."
"Maybe, but the little Doc' sure loves ya. You doing somethin' bad that means he can't be by ya seemed to get him down."
Spy looked over at where Johann was playing. He didn't seem as excited now and looked over at Spy. The man quickly looked away.
"Perhaps you have a point, Bushman."
He knew smoking was taking a toll on his health anyway, and Engie had no idea where to start figuring out how to return Johann to normal. If the child insisted on clinging to him perhaps it would be for the best.
He flicked the cigarette away.
"I will start cutting down."
"Good on ya, mate."
He took a mint from his pocket and sucked on it to clear his breath. Johann seemed to notice the lack of anything in his hands and scampered over but halted a little way away hesitantly.
"Come here, mon petite."
Spy held out his arms. He all but flew into the Spy's arms.
"Look at that. A regular ol' Dad," Scout teased.
Spy shot him a scolding look.
Mikhail chuckled, "Is right. Spy acts like papa."
Spy chuckled slightly.
"Hmm. Well, what does that make you, my friend?"
"Just Misha but makes Scout brother."
"Hell, yeah it does!"
Ludwig giggled from Spy's arms.
"Dinner's ready, boys. Come git it!" Engie called out.
"Come, mon petit, time to eat."