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It was a bad one.
Thick fingers around his throat and a cloying, coppery scent filling his nostrils, Even struggled to surface from the darkness surrounding him. Fear wired his jaw shut, and self-loathing bubbled in the cauldron of his stomach. Nothing new.
Even forced air into his lungs, air that tasted bitter on his tongue and burned as it entered his body. Like acid. Like rejection.
It was worse this time. Worse because, somewhere in the back of his fractured mind, Even knew it wasn’t real. None of it. Not the voices lashing out at him, hurling every insecurity he harbored like barbed-wire insults at his naked flesh. Not the derisive laughter from the mouth he knew better than his own.
Even knew it wasn’t real because Isak would never. Never.
But it hurt anyway, ‘cause he couldn’t. Get. Out. The green eyes that Even cherished narrowed at him full of suspicion and doubt, indifference and not even an iota of love.
That was the proof Even needed of the lie. In the real world, he groaned.
Beneath the suffocating guilt and shame of his subconscious, Even felt the vibration of the groan in his throat and in his chest. This level of awareness gave him hope. He could claw his way out of this nightmare without Isak having to shake him and soothe him and tend to him like a fucking infant. Again.
The sharp bite of self-hatred was enough to pull Even from his fitful sleep. He awoke drenched in sweat, his body twisted up in the sheets and panting like he’d just run for his life. It only took a split second for Even to realize he was alone in the dark quiet of their room. No taunting horde. No Isak. Just Even and the echoes of those demons he carried around with him always, sometimes silently. Often not.
Their living space was small, barely enough to hold their double bed, a TV console with two game controllers on its cluttered surface, a tall dresser that held both of their clothes, a small dining table with two chairs – everything made for two, two, two. For Even, it was a much-needed reminder of his life as it was, not the twisted version he’d left behind in his nightmare.
You’re alone, though. Isak isn’t here. He’s done with you, never coming back.
Even hissed at the voice whispering from the shadowy remnants of his dream.
Isak was at his mother’s tonight. It had been planned. When he’d suggested that Even go visit his parents too, ”just so, you know, you won’t miss me too much,” Even had balked.
Isak’s words had been laced with humour, but there had been that ever-present, underlying concern. Worry. It was a constant that lived at the edges of Isak’s smiles and reassurances.
Even tried to ignore it. Tried not to embrace the thought that Isak felt compelled to look after him. He told himself it was normal – this was all normal. Lovers looked after lovers. Lovers worried. Lovers cared.
He’d snapped at Isak once or twice or ten times over the course of their life together. It was a bad habit he’d developed when he was with Sonja and one that he regretted immensely. He’d vowed to do better with Isak. Be better for him. He liked to think he had been but Even knew the irritation had crept in on occasion.
It was just that the thought of Isak feeling obligated, in any way, to take care of Even made him irrational. Paranoid. Angry, even.
Staring at the ceiling, Even’s thoughts wandered to the last time he’d accused Isak of monitoring him.
“It’s my job, isn’t it?”
“I don’t want to be your occupation, Isak.”
“Even, you know I don’t mean it like that.”
“How do you mean it then? If not to remind me how much of a burden I am to you and everyone around me?”
“Jesus Christ, Even. Stop. Just stop.”
Even hadn’t been in the mood to stop that day, not right away. He’d kept grilling Isak until his boyfriend had had enough and gone for a walk – alone – while Even sat, watching the door until Isak returned.
It had been a long two goddamned hours.
As soon as Isak had stepped through the door, Even was on him.
“Fuck, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s fine, Even.” It was obviously not fine.
Even, determined to make it up to him, had latched onto Isak’s mouth like a starving man. He’d been desperate that night. And Isak, being Isak, had understood.
Isak always seemed to understand.
Which is why, even though it was after one in the morning, it didn’t surprise Even to hear Isak’s key turning in the lock.
Even held his breath as he listened to Isak quietly close the front door behind him, and hang his keys on the hook next to the coat rack. He closed his eyes and pictured Isak moving around in their space. Without needing to look, Even knew that Isak was removing his shoes and trying to stay as quiet as he could. He could hear him breathing, could hear his whispered curse when he bumped into their tiny bookcase.
The sounds died away, save for Isak’s breathing, and Even frowned. He tried to reach out with his senses, tried to locate Isak in the room. Tried to picture what he could be doing.
“How long have you been awake?”
Though soft, Isak’s voice startled Even. He opened his eyes and found his boyfriend standing in the doorway, watching him.
“Not long. What are you doing home?”
Isak leaned a shoulder against the molding and shoved his hands into his pockets, something he did when he was nervous.
“I, uh… Well, you haven’t been sleeping much lately. A-a-and I know you sleep better when I’m here, so I thought… Not that you, you know, need me to sleep. You can sleep just fine on your own, but I thought – if it helped – that I may as well come home.”
Fuck, he was so adorable. The black veil draped across Even’s mood lifted a bit.
“Then why are you still standing over there?”
Even had laced the question with, what he hoped was, a playful challenge. Normally, Isak would smirk or roll his eyes, and zap him with a quick comeback.
Isak did none of those things. He remained standing several meters away. Too far away for Even’s taste.
“I left my mom’s an hour ago.”
It was a fifteen-minute trip, at best.
“Why’d it take you so long to get here?”
Isak shifted on his feet. His gaze drifted over to the window, just enough light seeping through to cast golden shadows over his face.
“I didn’t want to fight.”
“Fight?” Even sat up and planted his hands behind him, resting there.
Isak nodded but didn’t look Even’s way.
“Fight about what?” Dread pooled in the pit of Even’s stomach. Had something happened? Had he somehow missed a sign of trouble?
Isak dropped his gaze to his feet.
Even’s gaze followed it down to Isak’s wiggling toes and the hole in his sock. The sight of it made Even’s heart ache for a moment, long ago, when he’d missed an opportunity to tell Isak how he felt about him. A mistake he was determined never to make again.
“I’m so glad you’re home, Issy.”
Isak’s eyes lift to his. “Yeah?”
“Of course, I am, baby,” Even replied with an urgency that surprised him. “You’re right. I sleep better when you’re here. When we’re together.”
He was so grateful for the tiny smile that crept over Isak’s lips that Even let out a harsh exhale.
“Please come to bed.”
There was no hesitation. Isak grabbed the hem of his t-shirt and pulled it over his head, depositing it on the floor where he stood. Before it even landed, he’d popped the buttons on his jeans and was yanking them off impatiently. Toeing out of his socks, he kept his eyes on Even.
Meanwhile, Even drank in the sight of his man. All at once strong and broad and lithe and elegant. Beneath the twisted sheets, his body stirred to life. As Isak walked towards him, wearing nothing but his boxer-briefs, Even balled-up the still-damp sheet and tossed it across the room.
Startled, Isak stopped in his tracks. “What’d you do that for?”
“It was gross.” Even eyed his boyfriend hungrily.
Isak smirked. “What were you doing before I got home?”
Unable to suppress a soft laugh, Even shook his head. “Not that. Sadly.”
Isak made a pitying sound and pivoted toward the dresser. He opened the bottom drawer and grabbed a clean sheet, tossing it to Even before closing the drawer and walking back over to the bed.
It was very…domestic, and the thought made Even warm all over. He plucked the clean, folded sheet from where it had landed on the floor and shook it out over the bed.
Isak helped him straighten it before climbing in. He settled his back against the pillows and turned to Even with open arms.
Even moved into Isak’s embrace, resting his cheek on Isak’s shoulder and sighing with content with long arms wrapped around him. It was heaven. It was home.
“Did you wet the bed?” Despite his teasing tone, Isak drew soft circles on Even’s skin with his fingertips.
“Funny.” Even closed his eyes and took a deep breath, inhaling as much of Isak’s scent as he could. Fifteen minutes ago, he’d been in the midst of a panic-filled nightmare. This felt almost like another dream.
“Tell me.” Isak’s voice had softened, a hint of that concern creeping in.
For a split second, Even considered lying. He wasn’t even sure why that thought had crossed his mind. He’d rarely lied to Isak, and when he had they’d been lies of comfort.
I’m fine.
Of course, I remembered to eat lunch today.
I’d love to go to the party with you.
“Dream.” Even didn’t lie but felt no need to elaborate.
Isak stiffened against him, his hands stilling. “Bad?”
“I’m fine.” The response was Pavlovian. Even didn’t want to talk about his phobias, he wanted Isak’s mind to be quiet so his own could find a way to match that calm.
Isak’s long sigh suggested otherwise.
“Even,” he began, his voice sounding weary already. “I don’t need you to be fine all the time. It’s okay for you not to be fine.”
“I know that.” Even kept his voice low and even. If there was a way to keep this particular conversation short and unheated, he was all for it.
For a moment, it seemed Isak was willing to play along. Even relaxed against him.
“How bad was it? Really?”
Even shrugged one shoulder. “I’ve had worse.”
“I don’t remember wet sheets. Were you…? Were you crying?”
“No.” Even shifted to his back, putting a little space between them. “It was sweat.”
Isak’s soft, sharp intake of breath was like a dagger to Even’s libido.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not much to talk about,” Even replied trying to stifle the edge he heard in his own voice. “I barely remember any of it.”
Lie.
“Are you stressing about school again?”
Even’s agitation was mounting. He wasn’t in the mood for the interrogation, and he turned away from Isak.
“I just want to go back to sleep.”
“Even…”
“Isn’t that why you came home? So I could sleep?”
Even knew he was acting like a royal asshole, but he couldn’t seem to curb his mood. The hand sliding into his hair surprised and soothed him. Even’s eyes snapped shut, and he couldn’t suppress the shiver that ran through his body.
The bed shifted as Isak moved closer, spooning his long frame behind Even.
“The truth is,” Isak whispered. “I came home because I didn’t want to spend the night away from you. For me, not for you. For me.”
Shit. Even hadn’t even thought to ask. “Is everything okay with Marianne?”
“Yeah, my mom is fine. I just…” He sighed as he slipped an arm around Even’s waist. “I need you tonight.”
Isak’s breath warmed Even’s ear, his lips tantalizingly close. There was no anger at all in his voice. No frustration, or anxiety, just love. And a hint of desire.
Even slid his hand over the one Isak had splayed across his abdomen. After nearly two years together, Isak still gave him butterflies. Jet engines, if he were honest.
“I’m here.”
Even felt Isak nod against his hair.
“I know. You’re always here for me. You’re my rock, my-my best friend, my-“
“Mannen i ditt liv?” Despite his attempt at a joke, Even’s voice wavered.
“Yessss. God… Even.” Isak buried his face in Even’s hair.
Even felt him take a deep breath as if he were trying to absorb Even into his lungs. Isak shifted closer, pressing his groin into Even’s ass and…
“Babe?” Even instinctively ground back onto Isak’s erection, even as he wondered what this was all about. Had Isak really left his mother’s house at midnight for a booty call?
“I knew something was wrong. I knew you were in a bad place, a dark place. I just… I knew it.”
As he spoke, Isak slowly ground his hard-on into Even. His arm tightened around Even’s waist, and he nuzzled into the back of Even’s head. This was more than simple horniness, this was a raw need.
“Issy?”
“Sometimes I think we share a brain. Or, maybe, our brains have synced somehow? Like, I know what your thinking and feeling even when we’re not in the same room.” He stilled his movements. “Does that sound nuts?”
Even pulled Isak’s arm tighter around him, pushing back even further until there was no space left between them.
“No, not at all.”
Isak’s hips resumed their slow roll, and it was all Even could do not to roll to his stomach and beg Isak to just take what he needed. What they both clearly needed.
“We’re…connected. Yeah?” There was no way to keep the hunger out of Even’s voice, so he didn’t even try. “Hjernen er ikke alene nå.”
Even felt Isak’s deep exhale before a hand came up to push the hair away from his nape. Then Isak’s mouth was on his skin, teeth scraping along the length of his neck. Even dropped his head forward to give Isak more access and was rewarded with a low groan.
“I want to… Is it okay if I…? Can we…?”
“Isak…”
Even turned to face him, only able to make out the shape of his eyes and the curve of his bottom lip. He brought a hand up to swipe his thumb across Isak’s mouth.
Isak opened to him, his tongue sweeping out to taste and tease. Despite the energy crackling between them, Even could feel his own darkness pressing down, and feel an answering shadow hanging over Isak.
“What’s bothering you, Is?”
Isak tangled his legs with Even’s and took a deep breath.
Even held his while he waited.
“Things are changing.”
“Changing how?”
Isak shrugged. He nipped at Even’s thumb before releasing it.
“Both of us at university, both of us working too, I worry we won’t have time for…this.”
Even smiled, waggling his eyebrows. “We’ll always make time for this.”
Isak snorted but spoke quietly. “We can’t promise that, though. Life just happens. You know?”
Even nodded. He loved this, loved listening to Isak. Loved the way his mind worked, and the fact that he chose to share his thoughts with Even so freely. Even wished he felt as free and knew he should. Isak loved him, every fucked-up part.
Isak shook himself and met Even’s gaze, his own determined.
“We can’t lose us, though. Okay?”
“Of course,” Even assured him. Because never-fucking-ever. Despite the ferocity of his statement, Isak didn’t seem convinced.
Even kissed him, softly at first but with every ounce of hunger and need and love he could convey without words.
Isak melted into him, hands in Even’s hair, tongue battling for dominance, hips moving rhythmically.
There he was. There was Even’s greedy boy.
Isak rolled on top of him, shoving the sheet aside to get to Even’s skin. He moaned when he realized that Even was already hard.
“Faen, Even.”
Even stretched out on the bed and let Isak look his fill. “What do you want, baby?”
“You,” Isak breathed, his voice ragged. “Fuck, just you.”
What followed was a frenetic wrestling match. Even couldn’t get close enough, couldn’t get enough of Isak to sate his anxiety. Isak took and took and took.
And Even’s head spun.
Isak used his mouth like a weapon, sucking the life out of Even’s erection before spearing into him with a desperation Even had rarely seen in him.
Isak’s voice was, all at once, a scream and a whisper.
“I had a dream,” he panted as he ruthlessly screwed into Even’s body. “We were fighting.”
“A-about?” Even could barely draw breath, the pleasure was so intense.
Isak kissed him, hard and fast, then reared back to take Even’s legs into his hands. The new angle brought stars to the edges of Even’s vision.
“I don’t know, but it was ugly. I said fucked-up things to you, things I’d never say. You know?”
Even nodded frantically, both to acknowledge Isak’s words and to encourage him to keep doing that.
“Ah, Christ, Isak.”
“Yeah?” Isak redoubled his efforts, a smug smile curling his mouth for a brief moment.
They locked eyes and Even began to shake from the intensity of their connection.
Isak slowed down, but it didn’t take the edge off. If anything, it intensified.
“I saw you, in the dream,” Isak rasped. “You were so hurt, so scared, because of me. I… It broke me, Evy. It’s like I could see what you saw, feel what you felt – the pain I was causing you.”
Even didn’t know how to respond to that. He reached down and curled his hands around Isak’s sides, pulling him impossibly closer.
Isak dropped to his elbows, bringing their faces together.
Even could see it then, his own fear reflected back at him.
“I couldn’t wake up,” Isak whispered. “And then… And then I realized it wasn’t real, the dream.”
“Nightmare,” Even supplied.
“Yes,” Isak nodded, closing his eyes as he ground into Even. Slow, torturous circles that had Even right on the edge again. “It was a nightmare. I woke up, though, and I needed to come home.”
He opened his eyes and looked at Even, his expression so soft it cracked Even’s heart wide open.
“To me,” Even croaked.
Isak nodded and dropped his head to Even’s shoulder. He shivered and Even felt Isak spill himself inside him, pulse after pulse of release. It sent Even spiraling.
They were so quiet in their bliss, save for their stuttered breaths.
Isak collapsed on top of Even, sealing their bodies together in a wet, sticky mess.
Even didn’t care one bit. He wrapped his arms around Isak, braced Isak’s thighs with his own. He felt his boyfriend exhale and shudder.
“It’s okay, we’re okay.”
“It was so real, Even.”
Even nodded, running his fingers through Isak’s hair. “I know, but you’re here now. You’re home.”