Chapter Text
Maybe this year will be different, maybe I’ll manage to find the courage to actually talk to someone who isn’t Jared… If Jared even counts.
Once Evan found his locker the smallest amount of weight fell off of his shoulders. He pondered if Jared would even count as a friend.
He is only doing it for the car insurance.
“Hey!” Evan jumped, nearly smashing his good hand in his locker when he whipped around to see Alana Beck. An air of uncomfort surrounded both of them for a brief second before she smiled widely at him. “How was your summer?”
“My… Uh?-” Before Evan could make more of an embarrassment of himself she continued on, clearly only using Evan as a pair of ears to listen to her plans.
“Mine was productive. I did three internships and ninety hours of community service. I know,” She proudly waved her hands. “Wow.”
Evan scrambled to find words before she continuedthe conversation without him once again, feeling stress build up in his chest. “Yeah that’s… wow. That’s really impressive.”
Wow, really? Maybe this year will be exactly the same because I can’t hold a proper conversation with anybody.
“Even though I was so busy…” Alana didn’t seem to mind Evan’s half-hearted response to her achievements.
Maybe I should ask her to sign my cast? She’s friendly? And Alana doesn’t seem like she would say NO to something that would make her look like a good person.
“Hey!” Alana looked bewildered at Evan’s sudden interjection. His cheeks started to heat up when he realized that she was, in fact, the middle of saying something. “Do you want to maybe… I don’t know what you’re, um… Want-to-sign-my-cast?”
“Oh my god .” Evan gave a brief ‘really’ look as Alana gasped, looking at his casted up arm wide eyed. “What happened to your arm?”
Alright, a question that she actually expects you to answer. Don’t blow it, for the love of god , you need this.
“Oh. Well.” Evan took a steady breath through his nose. “I broke it. Climbing a, uh… Tree.”
Why would you tell her you broke it climbing a tree? Now she’s gonna think you’re lame, which she probably already did to begin with but now worse. You could’ve at least made up a lie like… skateboarding, or something else cool.
“Oh really?” Evan’s face dropped when he saw that she clearly paid no attention to what he was saying. “My grandma broke her hip getting into the bathtub in July. That was the end of the end, the doctors said. Because then she died.”
Jesus Christ.
Evan fumbled with his words, mouth clasping open and closed a handful of times. Before he had to find some sort of apology in his head she grinned at him again.
“Happy first day!” With a soft wave of her hand she turned on her heels and went towards her own locker.
Evan tried to find his breathing again, barely getting it steady before he slowly turned back to his locker. He fumbled with the lock one more time to get it open again and just as he was getting ready to slouch his backpack off of his shoulders he heard another voice directed at him.
“Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off to much?” Jared had an amused smile plastered on his face when he stopped next to Evan. “Or do you consider that an honor?”
Maybe he’s in it for the car insurance and the constant embarrassment he brings to me in the hallway.
“Wait.” Evan’s voice squeaked, eyes widening slightly. “I didn’t-I-I wasn’t doing… That.“
"Paint me the picture:” Jared propped his arm up on Evan’s shoulder. “You’re in your bedroom, you’ve got Zoe Murphy’s Instagram feed up on your weird, off-brand cell phone-”
“That’s-not-what-happened-” Evan’s cheeks reached a new level of pink before he shook Jared off of his shoulder. He cleared his throat. “-Obviously. I was-uhm-well… I was climbing a tree and I fell.”
Seriously I need to figure out a better story to tell. Not that Jared would believe anything besides the mast-
“You fell out of a tree.” Jared snorted. “What are you, like, an acorn?”
“Well, I was...” Evan paused, debating on if he should even bother explaining how he ended up in the situation that he did. “I don’t know if you know this but I worked this summer as an apprentice park ranger at Ellison State Park. I’m sort of a tree expert now… Not to brag but-” Evan glanced at Jared, waiting for him to stop him.
Where’s the jab? Something about me being gay? Stupid?
“Anyways.” Evan cleared his throat. “I tried to climb this forty-foot-tall oak tree.”
Silence fell between the pair before Jared realized that was, in fact, the end of Evan’s story.
“And then you fell?"
Evan awkwardly laughed, rubbing his hand over his cast shakily. “Well, except it’s a funny story because there was this solid ten minutes after I fell where I just laid there waiting for someone to come and get me.” Evan paused, exhaling softly. “Any second now.” His good hand balled up into a small fist.
“Did they?”
“No, nobody came.” Evan expelled another laugh that was fairly forceful. His hand dropped the fist shape as he glanced over at Jared. “That’s the- that’s what’s funny.”
“Jesus christ.” Jared said between snickers.
Why did you tell him that? Why would you think that was a good idea, it’s JARED. You know you’re never gonna hear the end of that-
“How was-what did you do for the-” Evan shut his eyes tightly, trying to even his breathing for what felt like the millionth time. “You had a good summer?”
“Well,” Jared shook off Evan’s weird story. “My bunk dominated in capture the flag and I got to second base- below-the-bra with this one girl from Israel who’s going to, like, be in the army… So yeah, hopefully that answers your question.”
Evan rose an eyebrow, hand back over his cast. “Oh was that-was that… Weird?”
“God Evan, are you really asking me this stuff so you have weird stuff to jerk off to later?”
“NO, no-no uh-” Evan’s hand started to rub against his cast more firmly. “Like wasn’t it… weird? With you being…”
It clicked in Jared’s head. “You said you wouldn’t talk about it.”
“No-I-know… I just-”
“Don’t talk about it.” Jared shook his head before he turned to leave.
So you’ll ask Alana, someone who you don’t even know to sign your cast, but not Jared? Someone you actually… Kind of know.
“Do you wanna sign my cast?” Evan blurted, hand dropping to his side once again.
“Why are you asking me?” Jared jabbed his thumb against his own chest as he turned back to face Evan again.
“Well, I just thought, because we’re friends-” Before Evan could throw out more reasons at an attempt to get at least a lone signature on his cast Jared cut him off.
“We’re family friends . That’s like-” Jared paused. “-A whole different thing and you know it.” He started to turn around again and paused. “Hey, tell your mom to tell my mom that I was nice to you, or my parents won’t pay my car insurance.
Wouldn’t signing my cast make it look better for his parents?
Evan just nodded. “I will.”
Jared stared directly behind Evan and he immediately knew who was behind him from the the amused expression etched on Jared’s face.
He’s going to get killed.
“Hey, Connor-”
Bingo.
“-I’m lovin’ the new hair length. Very school shooter chic.” Jared looked as if he was going to bust up in laughter on the spot, until he saw the blank stare that Connor was giving him. “I was kidding… It was a joke.”
Some joke.
“Yeah, no, it was funny. I’m laughing.” Evan jumped a little when he heard Connor start to speak, whipping himself around to look at him with Jared. “Can’t you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you?”
Jared’s playful exterior fell, a nervous laugh falling out of his mouth. “You’re such a freak.”
He immediately turned around, without even glancing at Evan, and went off in the direction that his first period class was. Connor turned to Evan, making him immediately tense up.
You have to say something you can’t just stand here, he probably thinks your Jared’s friend. Oh god, just… do something.
An awkward laugh left Evan’s mouth and the look that fell on Connor’s face made him immediately regret that.
“What the fuck are you laughing at?” Connor was deadpan and Evan felt his stomach immediately drop.
“What?” Evan’s voice went up what he felt like was a million octaves.
“Stop fucking laughing at me.”
“I’m not-”
He’s getting mad, jesus christ it’s like I can’t do anything right, I don’t even know what I did wrong.
“You think I’m a freak?” Connor snapped, his eyebrows scrunching together, hands balling up into fists at his sides in frustration.
“No I don’t-” Evan tried to frantically fix it, backing up a couple of inches when Connor stepped closer to him.
“I’m not the freak.” Connor’s face was far too close for Evan to be comfortable, not that he was comfortable to begin with.
“But I wasn’t-”
"You’re the fucking freak!” Connor shoved Evan, knocking the wind out of him before storming off.
Good way to start the first day huh?
Evan tried to even out his breathing, sitting on the tile of the hallway for a brief moment before standing himself up. His brain started to cloud over and he was able to tune out all of the background noise of people in the background.
“Hey.” Evan jumped, whipping around to see Zoe standing in front of him
Of course, why wouldn’t she come up to me now?
“I’m sorry about my brother. I saw him push you, he’s a psychopath.” Her lips curved into a slight smile. “Evan, right?”
“..Evan?”
Zoe looked confused then looked like she immediately felt bad. “That’s your name, right?”
What the hell, all you could’ve said was hi back? What else would she mean by saying your name?
“Oh-Yes!” Evan shoved his good hand into his pocket, his palm already having sweat prick up. “Evan, it’s Evan. Sorry.”
“Why-” She looked exhausted from the conversation already. “-Why are you sorry?”
Great going, you’re confusing her. And your palms are already sweating, all she was trying to do was apologize for her brother shoving you. In public. In the middle of school. Where everyone probably saw-you know everyone’s staring at you now right?
“Well, just because-you said Evan and then I said, I said-I repeated it, which is just… That’s so annoying when people… do that.” His voice fell closer and closer to a faint mumble at the end and she looked vaguely concerned before brushing it off.
“I’m Zoe.” She said, trying to etch another soft smile onto her face.
“No-I-Know.” Evan said as fast as his mouth would allow him to without stumbling over syllables.
“You know?” Her eyebrows scrunched together, glancing over him as if trying to pinpoint whether or not they’ve ever had an actual conversation in her life.
Way to go, now you look like a stalker. Get prepared for a restraining order- Look at her face. She’s clearly uncomfortable, why couldn’t you just say something like ‘oh that’s a pretty name’... Okay maybe not that but just… Not something WEIRD.
“No-Just… I’ve seen you play guitar in jazz band and I-love-jazz-band?” Evan pinched his thigh from inside of his pocket as a last ditch effort to slow his speaking. “I love jazz-not all jazz but definitely… Jazz-band-jazz? That’s so weird- I’m sorry.”
“You apologize a lot.” Zoe observed.
Maybe she’ll just think that Connor pushing you made it so you can’t think? Not that… that makes much sense but it’s better than the alternative that she could be thinking.
“I’m sorry--” He went wide eyed and caught himself. “Or I mean… You know what I mean.”
“Well I’ll talk to you-”
“You-wanna-sign-my-?” Evan started to blurt, extending his arm out towards Zoe.
“What?”
Abort mission. Jesus christ what were you even thinking? Oh wait, you probably weren’t.
“What? What did you… say?”
Smooth.
“I didn’t say anything, you said something.”
“No-Me? No way José.”
What… are you DOING?
“Uhm… Okay… José.” She did the smallest wave before she gestured towards the hallway that her first classroom was down.
Evan sighed, cell phone grasped tightly in his hand. “It’s fine.”
It’s not fine, this is the third time that she’s said she can’t take you to therapy in a row. It feels like she hasn’t even been trying recently, it’s just a constant stream of excuses.
“It’s just… They announced more budget cuts this morning, so anything I can do to show that I’m, y’know, a team player…” She trailed off, knowing that she used the exact same excuse the last time she had told Evan she couldn’t pick him up.
You would think the constantly doing doubles to cover for your coworkers and working well into overtime every week would show that you’re a team player.
“It’s fine, I’ll take the bus.” Evan started to gnaw on his bottom lip as he rested his phone gently between his ear and shoulder to use his one good hand to log into the school computer.
The sigh of relief that expelled from his mom’s voice made him feel bad for being upset. “Perfect. That’s… perfect. Oh and I’m going straight to here from class so I won’t be home till late…”
Evan half listened to the usual ramble about how there’s food in the freezer and there’s still the money that he had been given last time he had to fend for himself for dinner. He mumbled a soft “Maybe.” when his mom paused for him to answer back.
“Did you write one of those letters yet? Dr. Sherman’s expecting you to have one.” She started the whole; Dear Evan Hansen, Today’s going to be a good day spiel to herself and Evan could tell she had a gentle smile etched on her face as she was asking him.
“Oh uh, yeah no I already finished it.” Liar. “I’m in the computer lab printing it out.” And writing it.
“I hope it was a good day sweetheart.” The hope in her voice made Evan feel guilty.
“It was…” Awful? Anxiety inducing? I’m still trying to catch my breath from this morning? “Yeah, it was really great.”
“Great!” Evan could practically feel the joy radiating out of his phone speaker. “That’s great, I hope it’s the beginning of a great year. I think we could both use one of those, huh?” Before Evan had time to respond she sped up her speaking. “Shit. I have to run there’s something-You know the drill. Bye, I love you.”
“Bye.” Evan sighed into the phone well after she hung up on him, grabbing his phone and gently resting it next to the keyboard. He opened up a word document on the school computer.
Dear Evan Hansen,
Today was an amazing day and -- It turns out, today wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year so why try? Because… Why would it be.
Oh I know, because there’s Zoe. And all of my hope is pinned on Zoe. Wow way to sound creepy jesus christ. Maybe Dr. Sherman will finally say I need to stay somewhere. Who I don’t even know and who doesn’t know me but maybe if I did. Maybe if I could just talk to her then maybe… I already tried talking to her and I sounded like an idiot and I doubt she’ll ever wanna talk to me again because why would she. Then maybe, life would actually not be so bad? Nothing would be different after all.
I wish everything was different. No shit. I wish that I was apart of… something. But do I really? I can barely even hang out with Jared the handful of times that we’ve hung out. I wish that anything I said… was actually heard? I feel like I’m just a constant buzzing in everyone’s ears. Mattered to anyone. I mean let’s face it: Would anybody even notice if I disappeared tomorrow? Maybe I should.
Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend unfortunately ,
Me
His hands felt shaky and he had to take a handful of deep breaths before he was able to bring himself to press the print button. He slowly got up and just as he was about to walk to the printer, he nearly bumped into Connor, killing any sense of calm that the letter was supposed to give him.
He’s going to kill you.
Connor glanced at Evan, looking down at his cast before looking back up at him. “So, what happened to your arm?”
Be. Careful. Don’t say something, or make any noises, that’ll bother him.
“Oh-I-Uh… I um, I fell out of a tree actually.” Evan started picking at the plaster of his cast, looking down at the ground as he spoke.
Connor’s lips curved up into a smile. “You fell out of a tree?” Evan’s frantic nodding made Connor start to laugh between his words. “Well that’s just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. Oh my god.”
Okay time to laugh? Probably an okay time to laugh.
Evan forced out a weak laugh before barely being able to respond with, “I know.”
Connor gestured at his arm. “No one’s signed your cast.”
“No--I know.”
Connor raised an eyebrow. “Well… I’ll sign it.”
Excuse me?
“OH? Um, you don’t, uh, have to”
Connor ignored his vague protesting, did a half assed glance in his bag before looking at Evan again. “Do you have a sharpie?”
Is my face going red? It definitely has to be going red? Why is he offering to do this? How would this help anything he just screamed at me earlier.
Evan grabbed the sharpie that his mom forced him to bring to school today and held it out for Connor. He roughly pulled at Evan’s arm, earning a small ‘ow’ from him, before scrawling out his name covering the whole front side of the cast with his name.
Jesus christ he did it to make my life worse. Everyone’s going to see THAT.
“Oh.” Evan felt defeated. “Great-Thanks.”
“Now we can both pretend that we have friends.” Connor said, a simple shrug of his shoulders accompanying the statement.
Oh?
“Good point.” Evan mumbled, still staring down at the big lettering that’s most definitely never coming off of his cast. He quickly grabbed the sharpie from Connor’s extended out hand, shoving it back into his pocket before starting to head out of the room.
“Is this yours?” Connor blurted out, making Evan turn around quickly. “I found this on the printer: ‘Dear Evan Hansen.’ That’s your name right?”
Oh no.
“Oh that’s just stupid. It’s a paper I had to write for, um, an… assignment?” Evan’s stomach dropped when he saw that Connor wasn’t paying attention to his explanation and instead started to read the paper in his hand.
“Because there’s Zoe.” Connor stared at Evan, his jaw clenching slightly. “Is this about my sister?”
Oh. No.
“N-No-- No not at all.” Evan felt the same anxious feelings from this morning building back up in his chest.
“You wrote this because you knew I would find it.” Connor gripped the paper tighter as the look he was giving Evan started to grow darker.
“What?” Evan weakly asked, looking alarmed at the accusation.
“You saw that I was the only person in the computer lab,” Connor’s voice started to rise. “So you wrote this and you printed it out-so that I would find it.”
Why would I do that? I don’t even know you.
“Why-Why would I do that?” The panic started to show in Evan’s voice, all he could do was focus on the paper that Connor was holding tightly in his hands.
“So that I would read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister and freak out? Right?” Connor scoffed. “And then you can tell everyone that I’m crazy. Right ?”
Why would I do THAT? Who does he think I am? I don’t-Why would I-
“No-Wait.” Evan’s voice started to go before he could even form a coherent sentence in his head. “I don’t even… What?”
“Fuck you.” Connor spat, turning around before Evan could even process that Connor was leaving.
He has the letter stupid, go get it back.
“But I really-” Evan shook his head, trying to catch up with Connor. Desperation quickly started to cut into his voice. “I need that back-please? Can you-can you just… Give it back? Please ?”