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I. Comfort
[timeline: after Escape Velocity, just before Apparent Magnitude]
“I’m so excited,” Michiyo was saying as they walked up to Sho’s parents’ front door. “Your very own concert.”
“You’ve seen me live before,” Sho reminded her, but he, too, was smiling.
“Yes,” she agreed, “but that was RedShift. This,” she said, pausing to give him a quick kiss, “is Sakurai Sho. It’s completely different.”
“You didn’t like RedShift?”
“It’s not about liking or disliking it. RedShift was great. But being a part of a group’s success and succeeding on one’s own have a different kind of taste, don’t you think? And even RedShift had never played for this large a crowd.”
The talk of RedShift reminded Sho of his old band, and he could already feel his earlier elation start to dim. He wondered, briefly, if they were doing well in Osaka, where they had gone with several other bands for a small music festival. Sho wanted to see them, but between finals and the preparation for his concert, it was a miracle that he even managed to find the time for dinner that night.
By the time RedShift was back in Tokyo, the posters advertising Sho’s concert would be all over the place.
Yaguchi-san, the family maid, opened the doors and greeted them with a warm smile. Knowing his mother would disapprove, he engulfed her in an affectionate hug and gave her the package he had brought with him.
“For you,” he said, emphasizing that it was a personal gift. Yaguchi-san had practically raised him. He had actually called her “mom” when he was younger, until he accidentally did so at a dinner party, embarrassing his parents. Yaguchi-san was almost fired then, but he pleaded with his father to retain her services if he promised to remember to address her properly, and to stop fraternising with the household staff. Thankfully, a combination of his promise, his father’s reluctance to lose a good staff member, and his mother’s need to foist him off to someone to handle him until he was an “appropriate age” was good enough to ensure Yaguchi-san’s position.
His feet felt heavier the moment he stepped into the house, knowing that rather than being happy for him, his parents would only be displeased that he had yet to give up on having a career in entertainment. He told himself that soon he would never have to come back, but it was a small comfort when he remembered that it would be the first time his parents met Michiyo, and he hoped that his mother wouldn’t be too condescending to her.
He felt Michiyo’s hands slip into his, and he smiled at her gratefully, although he couldn’t help the thought that wormed itself into him and holding fast.
He wished that it was Aiba there with him.
II. Luck
[timeline: around the same time as Eclipse & Binary Star]
“You’re lucky to have someone so levelheaded with you at times like this,” Sho’s publicist told Sho, smiling at Michiyo.
The two of them looked at each other with a mixed expression of amusement and guilt. They had decided to break up only few weeks ago, when Michiyo’s temper had gotten the better of her. She would have snapped in front of the reporters if Sho hadn’t pulled her away.
I can’t do this anymore, Sho.
It hadn’t been a bad break up, despite the ugliness of the situation; both of them knew that they made better friends than lovers. But still, Sho had a few appearances scheduled, and he needed her next to him, because as things were escalating to a point where he didn’t know if he was in control of anything anymore, she was the only thing he had left.
“He’s the levelheaded one between us, really,” Michiyo answered, beaming at him like the adoring girlfriend she was expected to be.
Soon they would have to tell Sho’s manager and publicist that they had broken up, but now was not the time, they knew.
III. Trust
[timeline: a little after Resonance, before The Brightest Yellow]
“I’m sorry that this is the only place we can go.”
They were sitting on the deck overlooking the lake at Sho’s other house, the one that he had started to think of as their place. He had his apartment in Tokyo, and Aiba shared one with Nino, but when they were away they had this place that was just theirs.
Understanding this, Aiba just leaned even closer.
“Where we go doesn’t matter,” Aiba said. “And I love this place. Besides, it was amazing that you managed to get time off at all.”
It had been increasingly difficult for them to find time to be together. Sho was always out, doing interviews, appearing in various shows, having long meetings (about what, Aiba wasn’t sure, because RedShift’s meetings passed without him even noticing), and recording his new album. And then there was the time he spent working of Nino’s songs, and recorded with RedShift, and doing RedShift-related appearances - they got to meet during these times, but they rarely managed to get away and be alone together. When Sho happened to have a day or afternoon off, Aiba would be busy. When Aiba was free, Sho almost never was.
It was only a little over a month since they got back together, but the actual time they spent with each other probably spanned a week.
“This is really important to me, after all,” Sho answered. He had managed to get their schedules to match for a couple of days, and Aiba knew that guilt was one of the reasons.
“I told you that I don’t really believe in the rumours,” Aiba insisted. He had been a little upset when a picture surfaced in a gossip magazine that linked Sho with a new, up-and-coming actress, but he understood. In Sho’s position, just talking to or sitting next to the someone would set off rumours. It was one of the things that made him wonder if Sho had really thought things through, getting back together with him, but Sho didn’t seem to mind, so he was trying not to.
“It will not be the last time,” Sho said apologetically. “No matter how careful I am, something will happen.”
“I know.”
“It never really is the way it looks, though.”
“I know.”
“And -”
“Sho-chan,” Aiba interrupted. “I’m really not upset. I get it, okay? Although, if feeling guilty made you work doubly hard to get us some time alone, then that’s good too.” He grinned as he finished his sentence.
“Oh, really? Then-” Sho paused, and both of them glanced towards the house as the insistent ringing of Sho’s phone was heard.
Aiba sighed. “I think you should get it.”
“They know I’m not supposed to be disturbed today...”
“Then it must be important, right? Go get it.”
Aiba watched as Sho got up and disappeared into the house. He knew what would happen. It was what always happened. There would be a problem at the studio and Sho would have to go, or there would be a last-minute request for an appearance and since Sho happened to be free that day his manager decided to ask, or some daughter of any number of important people decided that they absolutely had to meet Sho... the reasons for the calls were almost always different, but the results were the same. Sho would have to leave.
IV. Jealousy
[timeline: after The Brightest Yellow]
Sho would never admit it out loud, but he was uncomfortable with the fact that Aiba had sexy photo shoots. The request had come after RedShift’s first single was released; a magazine had wanted to do separate features on the “original” RedShift line-up. It was ironic, Sho thought, that it didn’t include him, when he had been a part of RedShift a lot longer than Jun or Ohno. But now, he supposed, he was only an honorary member.
The photographs taken were darker than any he himself was used to doing. It suited the band, but every time Sho flipped through the magazine, and saw the picture of Aiba wearing that come-hither expression, something in him clenched. He didn’t like the thought of others looking at the same picture, thinking the same things he did.
Nino must have noticed how extra attentive of Aiba he became after the magazine was released, because his so-called best friend had started carrying the magazine around at all times, leaving it open on that one page every time he had to put it down. He was also clinging to Aiba more than he used to. At first, Sho thought that he just missed Aiba, but once he caught Nino smirking at him, and he knew.
Aiba, on the other hand, seemed to be irritated with Sho’s attention. Whenever they were together as a group, Aiba would purposely choose to sit away from Sho, which usually meant with Jun and Nino, the group that Ohno had dubbed the original trio of RedShift. That was before Ohno found out that Sho was part of the actual first RedShift line-up, but it still stung that it was as if his own history in the band had been completely erased by time and memory.
Now, he was just Sakurai Sho, a name that is more immediately recognisable than RedShift, a name that came with time that didn’t belong to him, not knowing if anyone ever really liked him for him, and people and schedules overcrowding him sometimes when all he wanted was to make music.
“What are you looking at?” Aiba asked, leaning over his shoulder. He almost jerked away from surprise, his heart jump-starting at the sound of Aiba’s voice, the tickle of Aiba’s breath on his neck. He quickly moved to close the magazine, but Aiba’s hand had reached out to grab it. Aiba stepped away, and Sho breathed in, pondering on how cold it felt every time Aiba stepped away from him. “Huh... isn’t this from quite sometime ago? We’ve done a few more interviews and photo shoots after this one, haven’t we? I don’t know what’s so special about it, Nino keeps bringing it everywhere, too...”
“It’s nothing,” Sho muttered, hoping that Aiba didn’t notice that his face was growing warm. “It’s special because it was the first and only big spread about RedShift so far, and since the group is just debuting, it’s really a big thing that they spared so many pages for the band. And it’s strange, I guess, seeing you in a magazine.”
“Imagine what I thought all those years of seeing you in magazines and on TV,” Aiba said. The reply was automatic, but Sho could see that as soon as the words left his mouth, Aiba froze. “And then, of course, there were the gossip rags - those were always funny,” Aiba said lightly, wanting to diffuse the unease and tension that came between them every time they mentioned their past, but there was no mirth in his eyes.
“Maybe we need to talk about it,” Sho suggested in a quiet voice, but Aiba shook his head.
“We don’t have a lot of time to be together as it is, so let’s not spoil it, okay?”
V. Lies/Betrayal
[timeline: After Eccentricity]
Sho looked at the table before him with pride. He wasn’t the best when it came to cooking - okay, perhaps he was, as Nino put it, “completely hopeless” - but he had to admit that when he put his mind to it, he could manage a pretty impressive dinner. He had had Jun on the phone the whole time, instructing him, and it was absolutely worth it in the end.
He was just making sure that everything was just right, again, when he heard the front door unlock. He looked up, unable to contain the wide smile forming on his face. “Welcome back.”
“It’s not like I live here, you know,” Aiba muttered, not looking at Sho as he kicked off his shoes and lined it at the side, like a guest.
“You’re staying over, aren’t you?” Sho asked, frowning. He hadn’t specified that he was asking Aiba to stay over, but since Aiba slept at his place more often than not, except in the last few weeks since Sho was away, he had just assumed.
“Actually, I don’t think I can stay long,” Aiba answered, closing the door and walking in. “I only came here because... is that dinner?”
“Yeah. I thought it’d be nice to have dinner at home for a change.” Sho was still frowning. He had expected Aiba to be pleasantly surprised, if not ecstatic at the effort Sho had put into dinner, but Aiba’s face was unreadable.
“Oh,” Aiba said softly. Sho thought that he detected a tinge of sadness, and regret, in Aiba’s voice, but he realised that it was probably him projecting his own feelings onto Aiba. “I’m really sorry,” Aiba continued in the same tone, and somehow the depth of his apology seemed to be too much for just not being able to stay.
“It’s just one dinner, you know,” Sho said, smiling. “It’s not the end of the world. In any case, I’m glad you’re here now.” He reached for Aiba, but Aiba took a step back. “Aiba?”
“I’m sorry,” Aiba said again. Something inside Sho flared, like a warning, but he ignored it. Aiba was clutching onto something, he noticed, and he drew closer, taking it out of Aiba’s hands.
“What’s this?” His face went blank when he noticed that it was another gossip magazine. His name was enlarged across the front page. He immediately flipped through it, looking for whatever news that must have upset Aiba. When he found it, he was puzzled.
The front page mentioned that he had marriage plans - which he never even knew about - but the pictures inside were pretty tame, taken on different occasions. Most were grainy, probably taken using cellphone cameras. They were all of him and Michiyo, from various times, doing various things - having dinner, talking at a party, walking along her parents’ private beach - where had they got that picture? Sho wondered. And then there was a recent picture, one where he had accompanied Michiyo for a cake testing. I guess that’s where they got the idea that I was getting married, he thought.
...a friend of the Sakurai family revealed that he had rejected “very suitable” omiai meetings arranged by his mother. “Now we know that it’s because he’s already found the person he wanted to marry,” the source said, speaking of Akita Michiyo, heiress and wildlife photographer, who was also a childhood friend and classmate of Sakurai-san.
“Aiba... you do realise these are lies, right? You know that Michiyo’s getting married to someone else.” Someone who’s going to be really pissed with me when he finds out about this piece, Sho thought in resignation.
“It’s not the article,” Aiba said dully. “I don’t believe in that. It’s just... I don’t think I can take this anymore, Sho-chan.”
I can’t do this anymore, Sho.
Michiyo’s words from the past haunted him, echoing along with Aiba’s. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, I can’t be in this relationship any more. We’re not the people we used to be. Surely you’ve noticed that. We’ve tried, but things aren’t really working out, are they?”
Sho wanted to deny it, wanted to point out that they were good together, or that they could be, if they only worked at it harder. He wanted to fight, to convince Aiba to change his mind, but he couldn’t speak. He hadn’t expected this at all. He knew that Aiba was unhappy about something, but he thought that Aiba would talk about it when he was ready.
Maybe it hadn’t been Aiba’s intention, but it felt as if Aiba had pulled away his ground. If he had tried to breathe at the moment, he had a feeling that he would only be gasping for breath. Was this how he felt? Did I do this to him, all those years ago?
Aiba was still talking, as if unaware of Sho’s inner conflict. Aiba was listing out all the reasons they shouldn’t be together - the fact that while false gossip was harmless, it would ruin both of their careers if the truth of their relationship slipped out, the fact that Sho really should be thinking of getting married at his age, the fact that trying to juggle his career and make time for Aiba as well as work with RedShift was wearing him out, the fact that he was no longer the same Sho he used to be.
That was when he closed his eyes, drowning out the rest of Aiba’s words. Not the same Sho, he thought. Not the Sho that Aiba had fallen in love with, he translated to himself. Not someone Aiba could still love. He could fight any of the ridiculous reasons Aiba gave him, but not that.
If Aiba didn’t love him anymore, there was nothing Sho could do about it.
“I don’t believe you,” he suddenly spoke, loudly, over Aiba’s hushed tones. Aiba stopped talking, eyes widening at him. “What about all those things you said before, when we got back together? You said that you still loved me, after all those years.”
Aiba looked away. “Maybe I was mistaken.”
“No, you weren’t.”
“I think I should know what I feel more than anyone else,” Aiba said, his voice freezing over the heat in Sho’s. “Anyway, at least I’m giving you a reason. That’s more than you’ve given me.”
“Is that why- was all of this just a way to get back at me for the past?”
A flash of anger, and something else, went through Aiba, as he answered, “if it suits you to think I’m that vengeful, then do so.” Sho wanted to tell him that it wasn’t the answer he was looking for, and it was far from what he wanted to think, but Aiba had already turned back, obviously mad at him. He watched as Aiba wrenched the door open, looking at him to speak one final time.
“Oh, and you know what? Jun, who helped you with that dinner? I dated him for almost a year while you were busy playing pop star.”
The door slammed shut, taking Aiba, and the trust Sho had in their relationship, away.