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Sometimes its hard. Then I start to imagine things. How it could be. And it helps getting me through.
But I know, I really know, that these things aren’t reality. I cant live in a world I made up in my mind. I do wish for it to be true, I write it down and hope it becomes reality through doing so. Of course it won’t, I know this too. Nevertheless, I don’t stop. Everybody needs a secure place.
Thats mine.
I don’t lie to myself. Lying would mean that I would be in denial. Im not. I am aware of the fact that my perfect reality isn’t my real life. We were given the opportunity to think, to imagine, to create. So I do. We don’t have thousands of synapses to let them die out of un-use. See, I just created a new word.
My life is not what I want it to be like.
In my mind it is.
___________________________
“Tae Tae”, he looks up. A blonde haired guy stands in front of him, his face shows a big smile. “We’re going to get something to eat. You wanna come?” Taehyung doesn’t. The waiting room in the VIP arena seems to be a lot more comfortable than the crowded airport behind the doors. Nobody’s watching him, waiting for him to do something wrong. No cameras following his every step. He really, really, really doesn’t want to. But when he looks up, seeing all the members - his family- looking expectantly at him, he ignores his wants. He smiles, like he always does. He stands up, clapping his hands as if he was excited.
Taehyung was always good at acting. The first time he got aware of his talent were when his parents believed him that he wasn’t tired and therefore still able to help them on the fields. He wasn’t exactly lying. Neither to his parents nor to his members or to anybody else. He just doesn’t want to let them down. In any way.
A hand finds a way to his, a little kiss was given to his cheek: “ We should find a soup for you babe, it will help you with your flue.” “It isn’t a flue Kookie, I just coughed once.” This time his smile is genuine. He adores the protectiveness of the other, how Jungkook is always by his side.
He don’t let his fingers slip away from mine. We are going hand in hand through the doors. People don’t give us strange looks. No harmful words are getting thrown at us. They simply don’t care.
In reality they do.
Seokjin is sleeping next to him, but he cant. He is lost in his thoughts, SYML as the background sound of them. Jimin and Jungkook are sitting in front of him, diagonal, so he has clear view. He isn’t jealous. Of course he isnt. He doesn’t trust anybody more than his best friend and boyfriend. Some people on social media like to interpret this emotion in his behaviour. At fanmeetings, when Jungkook and Jimin have “too much fun with another and leaving him out”. During concerts, when Jungkook and Jimin “have to much skin contact”.
Their not entirely wrong, though. He is jealous. But not because he’s afraid Jungkook would stop loving him and start loving the other boy. But because he isn’t even allowed to sit next to him anymore. Or dare god, to touch him. Hell, he isn’t allowed to look at him longer than a few seconds because BigHit is afraid people might find out.
We make selcas. Laughing, having fun. I edit them, post them online. Typing a purple heart in the caption.
In reality, its Jimin who does.
Taehyung doesn’t complain. BigHit accepted the relationship, he’s thankful for that. He really is. He isn’t angry for having to keep it a secret. Sure, he is saddened by this, but its standard for the industry he’s in. He’s angry because he cant even behave like a friend around him when they are in public or when the cameras are one. Sometimes, when fans start to get too suspicious, their manager lets them have some interaction. Like during the shooting for the Run episode in the amusement park.
Someone tips at his shoulder :“Do you like a handkerchief,Sir?” He didn’t realise he was crying.But he did. In public. Without recognisable reason. That is bad. Taehyung notices his heart beating to fast, his breath getting to short, his ears turning red. “No, no thanks. I just..” He says, before abruptly standing up. He finds his way to the bathroom. What if someone made a video? Of him, crying, looking sad. What if it gets viral? He cant be seen sad, he isn’t allowed to be sad. They will be mad at him, so mad. He don’t, he really don’t want to disappoint them. But he did. He’s a failure, he cant manage to do something right. He will drag the whole group with him. People will say that BTS isn’t capable of being so well known. They cant withstand the fame. And then they will stop support them. And everything the members worked so so hard for will be for nothing. Just because of him. Just because he cried.
I dont have panic attacks. Im not anxious. Im not self conscious. Im not permanently scared of doing something wrong.
In reality, I am.
One hour before they should land in L.A., one hour after he got back from the bathroom and telling Jin loud enough for everybody else to hear that he had a dream about his grandfather that made him cry. It wasn’t a lie, he dreamed about his grandpa before. Maybe not today, but nobody asked, so whats the point.
He tries to distract himself by reading sns articles. It works until he has the great idea to search his name. The individual results are very different. Some are about the “The-Most-Handsome-Face-Of-2017” or just about BTS. But Taehyung also finds some with “Alien” or “4D” personality in the title. And that little bit confidence he gained from the first articles just collapses like a house of cards.
Nobody calls me alien or 4D. Nobody cuts clips in a way that makes me look crazy. People like me, the actually me. They don’t think my bubbly behaviour is annoying. They don’t think I talk to much about non sense. They don’t think I’m freak. They don’t.
In reality, they do.
Hes sweating. Taehyung stumbles down the short staircase, happy to sit after performing the first songs. Their choreography is as difficult as always, but since he’s a lot more in the foreground now, he tries to be better than ever.
But he is also happy just be off stage. He still feels the embarrassment, the acidic feeling that crept through his body and now refuses to go away.
Jimin, Jungkook, Jin and him performed the last song before the first half of the concert found an end. He’s so happy for Jimin and Jungkook, he truly is. Both of them could shine, could show the audience what for incredible singers they are.
Taehyung doesn’t complain. Never did. After all BigHit was the one to give him the opportunity to make a career in music. Without BigHit he’d probably live in Daegu, working on the farm. And BTS is a seven member boy group, so there has to be a line distribution. This distribution cant favour everybody, it has to match the song. Thats it. Thats the truth.
I don’t need to suppress the question, why the songs seem to never favour my voice.
In reality, I do.
Hes awake for too long now.
First, they had to catch the flight, just for it to be delayed for an hour and a half. Then the flight, the exit of the airport right through the screaming fans and their flashing handy cameras, then the concert. A few members are making a V Live right know, but Taehyung is too exhausted to join them. The last 36 hours drained him, his bones feel to heavy, his head aches and his stomach rumbles. His throat feels dry and his feet hurt. He sighs, but still turns left to the sink instead of right to the bed. Theres still Make-Up on his face and gel in his hair.
“Baby I’m home!”
“Tae Tae, how was your day?”My husband welcomes me with a warm smile. “Good, really good. They actually liked my photos. Can you imagine? They liked them! I am going to be in a magazine Kookie!” The other boy begins to laugh happily, before embracing me in a tight hug. “You deserve it so much baby, your so talented!” “Saranghae Kookie.”
“I love you too. But come on now, you must be exhausted! I ordered food, so you can just sit down, choose a movie and I will be right back.”And thats how we spend our evening.
In reality, we don’t.
In reality, I am standing under the shower, crying and imagine how my perfect evening would look like.
1 o’clock. He has to get up in 5 hours. The flight to their next stop is early in the morning and he cant look tired when they leave the hotel. He has to look good, energetic. But for achieving this, he needs time. Most probably a lot of time.
Taehyung is only wearing his pyjama shorts when he hears a knock on the door. The upper part still lies inside his suitcase but he is too tired to care. He opens the door nevertheless to find a just as much exhausted looking bunny as he feels standing on the hallway. The younger smiles shyly:”Can I sleep here?”
They end up facing each other, arms and legs entangled, fingers intertwined.“As much as I appreciate the view, you cant just open the door shirtless.”
“But only the hyungs and you know in which room I am.”
“And our manager, the stylists, the production team, the make-up staff..” Taehyung laughs at his boyfriends pout. “ I get it, I wont do it again.” He sees the red colour rising to Jungkooks cheeks, but before he even gets the chance to asks, Jungkook mumbles “Nobody is allowed to see you like this except me.” just to hide his face in the crack of Taehyungs neck.
“I don’t want anybody else to see me like this except you.” He whispers back.
Reality can be perfect too.
Reality
They say reality won't bite
I gave it a chance
But it bit me anyway
'Twas painful
Undesirable
So I resolved to live in solitude
Curled myself up
And dozed off in my comfort
My experience with reality
Was beyond compare
The people
The struggles
The emotions
Everything was there
Though it gave me discomfort
Reality never failed to plant its wisdom
That all of us must have a taste of it
To feel what it is like to be human
Vulnerable
Fragile
And Afraid. (- by Field, on Hello Poetry)Unbearable