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Phil was dreaming he was sleeping in his own bed. Even in his own dream, he knew that was silly, but he still couldn’t help but be a bit envious of his dream self because he knew that once he woke up, he would be subjected to the aches and pains associated to slotting a 6”2 man into a 5”5 bunk. In his dream, he burrowed deeper into the blankets; blankets that were his, and had not been touched or slept on by anyone other than him and Dan, and he let out a sigh.
Phil loved his creature comforts, he always had. His mother loved to tell stories about how when he was little, he couldn’t sleep unless he had his special blanket or his teddy bear with one eye. Now that he was an adult, it was other things he couldn’t sleep without; the first being his memory foam pillow, and the other came in the form of a lanky nerd who wore too much black.
And maybe only having his pillow to snuggle into was part of the reason why he wasn’t having any luck sleeping. The other part was probably the fact that he was stuck in a bunk that was too small for him on a moving bus.
He adjusted well to things, that was true, but six months had him aching to be back in his own bed where he could stretch out without injuring himself, wrap his arms around Dan whenever he wanted, and sleep on sheets that hadn’t been touched by anyone else but them. And sex! God, they hadn’t had proper sex in so long, it felt a bit like a crime.
Back in reality, the bus hit a particularly big pot hole, and Phil was jolted out of his pleasant dream. He’d woken up with a headache for far too many days in a row now, and he fumbled around in his bunk for his phone. He squinted at the time and groaned, wanting to toss it and go back to sleep, but knowing it was useless. He could already hear voices coming from the kitchen area, Dan’s the loudest among them, and he shoved his glasses on with a defeated sigh.
He hopped out of his bunk as gently as he could, his knees giving a small throb, and hobbled into the kitchenette. He worked on pouring his coffee and popped the last English Muffin into the toaster. After a moment, he felt a pair of arms wrap around his waist and Dan’s chin at his shoulder.
“Good morning,” Dan said quietly in his ear.
Phil grumbled back at him.
“What are you doing?” he asked, even though he could clearly see Phil putting far too much sugar in his coffee.
“Making an English Muffin.”
As he said this, the toaster popped up, showing two halves of his burned breakfast, and he let out an annoyed sigh.
“Correction, burning an English Muffin.”
Dan pressed a kiss to the side of Phil’s head and pulled away, rubbing his back.
“It’s okay, Marianne said we’re arriving in, like, 30, so I was just getting ready to come wake you up. We can get some breakfast then.”
Phil nodded, not wanting to say anything because he knew that logically that was a perfectly good solution. He just really wanted that English Muffin, and he was annoyed that it burnt. And maybe he just wanted to be pissy for a little bit.
He joined Dan on the couch and started scrolling through his phone, feeling annoyed at people on twitter, too. There was always so much bullshit going on; some sort of petty drama with celebrities or scandals with politics. Not even the random pictures of cute animals could buoy the sour mood he woke up with that morning.
Dan seemed to sense this, and kept a hand on his knee while they sat together. It was an innocent touch, just a physical reminder for Phil to know that Dan was there if he needed him. When Phil was in these moods, it was sometimes hard for Dan to gauge what Phil needed, but Dan had learned that a small touch was usually best. If Phil wanted cuddles he would initiate it, and if he needed space he would move.
There were no hurt feelings on days like this; they had long since had all of those conversations. When Dan started therapy, it was almost like Phil did, too. They learned coping mechanisms together and better communication because of it.
They’d had a long discussion about what they knew or thought their needs were doing those times when Dan was having a depressive episode, or when Phil’s anxiety got the best of him or he was just having a particularly bad day. Dan often needed space and sleep, and for Phil to make sure he ate and stayed hydrated. Phil, being the more physical of the two, often needed physical comfort. But some days when his anxiety was particularly bad, he couldn’t stand to be touched and often needed to spend some time in his amazingphil room by himself to calm down. Neither took the space or distance to heart because they knew it was just a coping mechanism, and at the end of it, they would eventually both end up cuddled in bed, relieved that whatever it was had finally passed.
Phil was still a little bit annoyed about his breakfast, but he wasn’t annoyed at Dan, so he set his phone down and threaded their fingers, resting his head on Dan’s shoulder. He felt a kiss press to the top of his head and he couldn’t help but smile a little bit. He sighed a little and rubbed his thumb against Dan’s.
“You still feeling grumpy?”
Dan asked it softly against Phil’s head, so that the others gathered in the kitchenette don’t hear, and Phil appreciated it. He didn’t need everyone on eggshells around him, or Martyn ribbing him for being a whiny baby today.
“Not really. I just have a headache and I wanna be back in our bed. I had a dream we were home and in bed, and it was just really nice.”
Phil could feel, rather than hear, the sigh Dan let out. He also knew why he was letting out that sigh.
Dan hadn’t felt homesick since they left. Sure, he had grumbled every now and then about the bunks or about the odd hotels they got stuck in, but when it come down to it, Dan loved being out and adventuring. Home was an abstract concept to Dan, and he felt no reluctance leaving an apartment full of their shared belongings behind. So Phil’s constant homesickness was a bit of a foreign concept to Dan, one that he had a hard time understanding.
“We don’t have that much left. We only have Vancouver left with the bus, and then we will have a nice break in Australia. And then we only have a few shows after that and we’ll be home. It’s gonna fly by.”
Phil nodded against Dan’s shoulder. He knew this was true, so he needed to enjoy it rather than spend it being a sour puss.
He cuddled further into Dan’s shoulder and waited for Marianne to shove them off the bus and into their hotel room. When they got all their bags and were settled into their room, Phil started for the shower, but was tackled onto the bed by Dan, who wasted no time getting his pajama pants off of him.
Before Phil could form a full thought, Dan had taken him into his mouth, sucking him like his life depended on it, and Phil was coming far, far too quickly, but Dan didn’t complain. He just swallowed politely and they kissed while Phil got his hand around Dan and jerked him off quickly.
When they finished and were both sprawled out on the bed, Phil leaned over and cuddled up to Dan.
“So, not that I’m complaining, but what was the impromptu blowjob for?”
Dan shrugged the best he could with Phil on his arm and shoulder.
“I just want to cheer you up. I know you’re still feeling a little down.”
Phil felt a blush creep up his cheeks, which he thought was absolutely ridiculous, considering what they were doing, that that was what made him blush.
“You don’t have to blow me every time I get a little sad, you know,” Phil said.
He wanted to laugh, but he just didn’t feel in a laughy mood right then.
“I know I don’t, but I want you to have a good day. And I know that’s something that you like, so why not? Plus, we finally have some privacy, so we should take advantage of it.”
Phil nodded against Dan’s arm and curled in closer to him, happy when Dan’s arm wrapped tighter around him.
He would have loved nothing more than to just lay there for the rest of the day and enjoy being able to hold on to Dan, stretching out and maybe pretending like he was in his own bed, but they had a show to do in five hours. He could feel exhaustion deep in his bones, but he knew that if he could just get through today, he could have a few days to relax with Dan.
Dan started to get up, and Phil went with him. He didn’t really want to be alone right then. He felt clingy in a way he hadn’t in a long time, but the way that Dan gave him a soft smile when he saw him following him into the shower reassured him that it wasn’t as big big of a deal as he thought it was.
Dan took extra care of him in the shower, washing his body and hair, making him feeling pampered and relaxed, and it made him want to crawl back in bed even more.
“I’m sorry I’m being so needy toda-”
Phil didn’t get the whole sentence out before Dan shushed him loudly, probably disturbing the people in the room next to them.
“You know you don’t have to apologize. It’s just a bad day, and it’s okay to need a little more on a bad day.”
He was still rinsing Phil’s hair out, running his long fingers through Phil’s hair and making him want to sigh in happiness.
“Okay,” he said.
There was no point in arguing with Dan, and Phil knew he was right anyway. It was the same rhetoric he preached to Dan on his bad days, but they both knew they couldn’t help what they felt.
When they finished with their shower, they got dressed and headed to Tim Hortons. It was delicious and helped dull a bit of the throb in his temples, at least for a little while. They wandered around Vancouver for a little while, hands brushing and just talking until they knew they needed to start getting ready for the show if they didn’t want to give Marianne a heart attack.
The meet and greet and show felt like they took forever; the exhaustion that never fully left Phil seeped into his limbs with every footstep and exaggerated gesture he gave. He sat for a portion of the show he normally stands at and could feel Dan’s eyes on him a little more than normal, but he kept his eyes toward the crowd, his smile tight, and he made it through the night.
By the time they got back to the room, Phil was so tired he could barely keep his eyes open. Normally on their first night back in a hotel room, they always tried to have sex, but Dan didn’t even attempt anything tonight. He simply helped Phil get into bed and pulled him close to his chest, whispering in his ear how much he loved him, and Phil’s heart ached with how much he loved the man beside him.
The next morning when he woke up, he felt a little better, a little more well rested. He could still feel the lingering dredges of a funky mood settling in his brain, but he had things to do and couldn’t psychoanalyze what his problems like he wanted to. They had to promote the Sydney pop up shop and he had to prepare for his merch drop. He could feel his anxiety peak just thinking about all the things that could go wrong the next day, and he wanted nothing more than to crawl back in bed.
Well, his bed. Maybe that was his problem. He couldn’t even properly sulk in silence in his own space. He was stuck in a hotel room almost 5,000 miles away from home, and all he wanted was to be in his own bed, in his own sheets, and just sleep for a year or two.
Dan convinced him to get out of bed and get dressed so they could go get coffee and breakfast. Phil agreed too easily; he already hated the bright white walls of the hotel room, and they’d only been there one night.
Being outside helped, even though they didn’t do more than sit outside Tim Horton’s and drink too sweet coffee and munch on Timbits for an hour. But it still felt nice. Dan kept telling him dumb jokes and showing him funny stuff he found on Twitter, and it was just a nice morning.
They made their way back to the hotel room and Phil did an Instastory about the pop-up shop and Dan tweeted, since they usually tried to split the duties as evenly as possible. Phil opened his laptop and went through his emails to make sure everything was in order for the store. He felt a little guilty about his time away that morning when he saw how many people were waiting to hear back from him. Marianne was trying to double check with them about their flight details for Australia, and Martyn had texted about getting dinner. His email inbox was fuller than normal, and he wanted to slam his laptop shut when he’d barely had it open more than a few minutes.
Dan was playing Fortnite on his Switch, and Phil felt a flare of annoyance at him. He wanted to tell him that he needed to help him, even though there really wasn’t anything for Dan to do at that point. Phil had already messaged Marianne back and confirmed their flight info, and he had declined the invitation for dinner, so the only things left were the things in his inbox, and that wasn’t Dan’s responsibility. And logically he knew that if he asked for Dan’s help, he would help him in a heartbeat, but he also knew he was stubborn. He always wanted to do things his way, and it was probably best to do things on his own, but he also wanted to just pout a little and hope Dan noticed.
He pounded out his emails, and it was two hours and a budding headache later when he finally felt like he was okay to take a break. He sat his laptop down and Dan looked up from his game for the first time in a while.
“Are you done?”
“No, just taking a break,” Phil said, pressing fingers to his temples.
Dan turned off his Switch and scooted over into Phil’s space. He pulled him over so that Phil was practically in his lap and just held him. He went easily, petulance forgotten, and curled up against Dan’s chest.
“Another headache?”
“Always,” Phil said, causing Dan to huff out a little laugh.
“Wanna take a bath?”
“I still have stuff to do.”
But Dan was already making them both get up and pulling him into the bathroom.
“Stuff can wait. You need to relax a little. You’ve been going nonstop.”
Phil let him run a bath, surprised when Dan left and came back in holding a bath bomb he had saved. It was a small gesture, but it meant a lot, and Phil was grateful as he sank into the frothy, scented water. Dan sat with him in the bathroom on the floor by the tub and put on some obscure but soft music. Phil leaned his head back on the tub and just took a little bit of time to enjoy himself.
The tour had been so much more this time around. They knew going in that it would be more dates and more shows, and Phil had thought that he knew what that meant, but living it was a whole different experience. Being able to see and feel the bags under his eyes that no amount of stage makeup could completely cover was the perfect metaphor for how he felt. He was tired to his very core, and it was starting to show.
Dan ran his fingers up his arm after a little while. Phil cracked his eyes open, not aware that he had been that close to falling asleep. Dan smiled at him; that soft, fond smile that was reserved especially for Phil. It lit up something deep inside of Phil that had been far too dull as of late. He smiled back and reached up with a pruney, wet finger, poking at Dan’s dimple and making him squeal.
“Philllll!!!!”
Phil laughed and Dan splashed lightly at him. Phil reached to splash back at him, but thought better of it. He would really hate to make a mess and have to clean it up. Or slip and break his neck as he got out.
He got out a little while later, under the coaxing of room service and Netflix. They ordered far too much food and gorged themselves on pizza, and Phil fell asleep perched up next to Dan on the bed while some Canadian game show played in the background.
Phil woke up to the feeling of soft kisses being pressed to his cheeks, his nose, his forehead. He smiled despite the fact that he was still tired, keeping his eyes closed, but arching his neck up to show to that he was awake and enjoying the attention. Dan chuckled and moved the kisses a little lower to the edge of his jaw, nipping the soft, stubbly skin there.
“I didn’t want you to sleep too long. It’ll screw up your sleep schedule.”
Phil laughed lightly, “Since when has that ever been an issue? We have terrible sleep schedules.”
Dan nosed into the crease of his neck and left slightly wet kisses that made Phil feel a spark in the pit of his stomach.
“Yeah, but you’re really tired, and I know that will make it worse.”
Phil’s heart thumped happily and he gently moved Dan’s face to his own and kissed him deeply.
Dan hummed happily and licked into Phil’s mouth enthusiastically, moving to straddle him. Phil kissed him back with equal enthusiasm and ran his hands up Dan’s back.
It had been far too long since they had been able to do this properly. Yes, there had been blowjobs or handjobs, and they would still have quickies on the bus if they could get away with it, but most nights they had spent in a hotel room, they were dead on their feet and if they had sex, it was quick and rushed. They had rarely had the time to be slow and enjoy each other.
Dan removed his shirt and came back into the kiss, grinding down into Phil. Any other time, he probably would have poked fun at Dan for getting so worked up over a little kissing, but not tonight. Tonight he was thankful Dan was so enthusiastic to be with him. Phil reached down and gave his bum a squeeze, causing Dan to giggle into his mouth. They broke apart for a second and Phil took the opportunity to look into those brown eyes he loved so much. Dan often complained about how plain and boring his eyes were, but they were among Phil’s favorite things in the world. He brushed a thumb gently across Dan’s cheekbone and watched a blush appear there. Dan ducked down to kiss Phil again and Phil let him, happy to let him take the lead.
Soon Dan was peeling off his pajama pants, along with his own joggers.
“How do you wanna do this?” Dan asked as he sucked a bruise onto Phil’s collarbone and flicked a thumb across his nipple, making Phil arch his back and moan.
“Want you,” he slurred, already a little gone.
He didn’t really have the energy to top, and it felt so nice to lay there and be taken care of. Dan nodded against Phil’s neck and moved away to get the lube and condoms from their bags.
He came back and made quick work of getting the lube ready and spreading Phil’s legs. Dan wrapped his lips around his dick, ensuring he stayed relaxed throughout. It had been a while since they had had sex, and even longer since it was Phil receiving. Dan was so gentle about pressing into him with the first finger, it barely felt like an intrusion. For someone so large, he was so gentle and caring; just another quality Phil loved about him.
Soon one finger became two, and then three, and then Dan was rolling on a condom. He placed himself in between Phil’s legs and gently started to press in slowly. Phil wrapped his arms around his neck and took deep breaths, trying to get used to the feeling again. He loved the feeling of being full, and had really missed this, being so close and intimate with Dan, but it was a lot to adjust to after so long.
Dan took his time and his cues from Phil, and when he was all the way pressed in, he laid there for a moment and pressed kisses to Phil’s face and neck while he finished adjusting. When Phil was ready, he nodded and Dan let out a breath he had been holding, starting to move slowly. The slow drag was already perfect, and a moan left Phil’s throat before he could stop it. Dan chuckled a little and thrust back in a bit quicker.
The pace was still slow and measured, but Dan filled him perfectly and hit that spot inside him that made him feel a little dizzy, and he knew he wasn’t going to last very long. He pulled Dan into a messy kiss to keep from letting out the whines and moans that he really wanted to: he wasn’t too eager to get a noise complaint. Dan hit that spot again, and that combined with a flick of his wrist working over Phil’s cock had him coming all over Dan’s fist.
Dan came after a few more thrusts, pumping his load into the condom. He slumped onto Phil and they laid there for a little while, exhausted. He knew that they should get up and clean up, but he didn’t want to. He was warm, a little hormone-drunk, and very content, even if Dan was crushing him a little.
Dan did get up after a little bit, though. He got up and discarded the condom, grabbing a washcloth to clean Phil up before climbing back into bed with him. They laid there for a while and just enjoyed each other’s company. It was the nice thing about being together for so long - every moment didn’t have to be filled with chatter. There were moments and stretches of time when neither of them would say anything, and it was just as nice as if they were talking.
“So, what do you think we should do for dinner? Definitely not pizza. Maybe we should try and get something healthy?”
Dan was musing over the takeout menu a little later, still naked and still pressed close to Phil in bed.
“Are burgers healthy if you get lettuce on them?” Phil asked, giving Dan his best puppy dog eyes.
Dan rolled his eyes, but relented, not exactly too against the idea of a burger himself, and they ordered food and got dressed so they wouldn’t scare the room service waiter to death.
After they finished eating, Phil didn’t even try and pretend he was interested in anything other than sleep, snuggling deep into the covers and cuddling into the pillow. He sat up after a second, though, realizing that it was the hotel pillow he was laying on, and not his own. He searches around the bed and felt a jolt of panic when he realized it wasn’t not there. It wasn’t on the bed anywhere, and when he looked over his side of the bed, it wasn’t there either, and he felt like he was going to properly panic now.
“What are you doing, dork?” Dan asked, taking his eyes off of his Switch for a moment to raise his eyebrows at Phil.
“I can’t find my pillow!” Phil said, a bit more shrill than he intended.
“Okay. It’s okay, we’ll find it. It’s has to be in this room,” Dan said in an attempt to calm him, getting up to look on his side of the bed.
It took a few minutes, but Dan found it stuck under their spare bed, likely knocked off during sex. Phil grabbed it and held it to his chest, and wanted to cry a little bit with relief. He knew it was ridiculous and it was only a pillow, but he couldn’t quite say why it mattered so much to him. Dan didn’t say anything, just crawled in bed with him and wrapped an arm around him. Phil cuddled into it, pillow still wrapped in his arms, and closed his eyes.
The next morning, he woke up in a very similar position. Dan had moved at some point during the night and wrapped both arms around him, but Phil’s arms remained wrapped so tightly around his pillow that they felt a bit sore. He moved a little, effectively waking Dan up, too, and got up to pee.
He could feel embarrassment coursing through his body. Why had he acted like that? It was only a pillow, for crying out loud! And logically he had known it was still in the room and couldn’t have gone far, but he had still freaked out like his child had gone missing. He knew that Dan would never tease him about something that was so obviously a sensitive subject, but he still felt embarrassed at how strangely he had reacted.
When he came back into the room, Dan was awake and sitting up on his phone.
“Good morning,” he said, smiling.
Phil smiled back, glad that Dan seemed okay to not bring up his strange behavior. He sat down on the bed with Dan and cozied up to him.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m looking for stuff to do in Vancouver. I know we have to film videos later, but I figure we can do that tonight and we could do something this afternoon.”
Phil nodded. “That sounds nice.”
“They have a really nice park here. We definitely need some fresh air. And they have an amazing ice cream shop, apparently.”
Phil perked up, never one to turn down sugar, and nodded again. “Okay. Let’s go shower. It’s like noon already, we could just get ice cream for breakfast.”
He wiggled his eyebrows, attempting to be alluring, but Dan just snorted at him and shoved him.
“No, nerd. We can get lunch at the cafe right next to the ice cream shop.”
Phil pretended to pout, but couldn’t help but smile at him anyway.
**
Dan was right, or at least Google was, as the ice cream was amazing. They both got butterscotch and took Instastories since they were both relatively dead yesterday. They got a cab to the park that Dan looked up, and it was the kind of beautiful they both took for granted. It was rare for both of them to see something so green and bright, so they spent most of their time walking around in awe of the scenery, taking pictures and videos.
They came across a park bench and sat down on it, both a little tired from walking so much. They didn’t sit super close, both aware of the fact that they were in public, but still close enough that it was obvious that they don’t want to be interrupted.
At first, Phil thought he might just get away with last night, but after a few minutes of companionable silence, Dan tapped his arm gently to get his attention.
“So, can we talk about what happened last night?”
Phil felt heat work it’s way up his neck and onto his cheeks. He nodded because he knew they needed to and knew it would probably help him work out whatever the issue that had been rattling around his brain for far too long was.
“Yeah, we can.”
Dan waited patiently for him to start talking, knowing that Phil had to take his time to gather his words. It took a little while, but Phil sighed deeply and started talking.
“I don’t really know what that was. I mean, I do, but it wasn’t just the pillow. I don’t know. It’s just really the only piece of home that I have with me, and I don’t know. I like being on tour, I’m just really missing home lately. You know?”
Dan shrugged, but smiled softly at Phil.
“I mean, I don’t really miss home. I like being out here and doing things. And being home is nice, in a way, but I don’t miss it because the only thing I would miss if I was gone from it is you.”
He said it softly, but the words were a jolt to Phil’s system. It felt like a wake up call - 10,000 volts to his system. He leaned forward and gave Dan a quick kiss before he could help himself, caught up in the rush of affection that was sweeping over him.
He felt almost foolish. He had been holding onto a concept of “home” and pushing the idea onto a pillow, when the answer was in front of him the whole time.
Dan was his home, and he has been blind to that fact for too long. Yes, he still missed his bed, and missed having free time, but Dan was the constant in his life that would always be there. Home wasn’t just an apartment in London, it was a warm, loving, nerd who always did his best to make sure Phil was happy and healthy, and Phil couldn’t be more lucky. He was a little dumbstruck that it took him so long to realize that.
Dan grabbed his hand and pulled him up and toward the path, letting their hands stay clasped for a moment or two longer than they probably should, but it was fine. Phil felt warm, and not just because of the sunshine streaming through the trees. A few choice words from the person he loved, and he felt better than he had in months.
It amazed him a little, but that was how he knew he chose the right one.