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Felix has always been someone who’s very obvious with his affections. He’s the type who can never keep a crush secret. Because of that, he’s never had to be very good at reading other people. Everyone else could always read him so well that his relationships just sprung up easily.
(“You like me, right?” the girl had asked in middle school.
Felix just said “yeah,” and suddenly they were dating.)
It wasn’t happening like that with Changbin.
Felix knows his crush on Changbin is incredibly obvious. It’s obvious to all the other members, and all of their fans. And yet, nothing has actually happened between them and Felix is becoming increasingly bothered by that. While Changbin doesn’t exactly return the affection Felix shows him, he doesn’t reject it either, and it leaves Felix confused. If Changbin felt the same way, he should have made it obvious by now.
Once, Felix had tried to reign in how physical he was, but then Changbin pulled him aside and asked him why he was being so distant and if he’d done something wrong, and Felix felt terrible that he’d made his hyung doubt their friendship.
So it went back to how it had always been, Felix constantly hanging off Changbin, and Changbin rarely showing him any affection in return. Felix couldn’t figure out what the problem was. He paid more and more attention to Changbin in quiet moments, trying to read him, trying to understand what the older was thinking.
But he never could. Any time he brings it up with Chan, he always mentions how Changbin reacted when Felix was eliminated from the group. How Changbin had clung to Felix, believing they’d never achieve their dreams together, and Felix agrees that his actions in that moment suggest his feelings are more than platonic.
After his almost-elimination, Felix thought maybe Changbin was so restrained because he was worried something similar might happen again, that Felix might be taken away from him for real. But after they debut, when it’s official that neither of them are going anywhere, when it’s set in stone that they’re here, together, to stay, Changbin’s behavior doesn’t change.
In fact, Felix starts noticing that Changbin’s a lot more physically affectionate with other members, Hyunjin in particular, than he is with Felix. That sets off a whole new set of worries in Felix’s head.
It’s about the fifth time in as many days that Felix is whining at Chan (in English of course, in case anyone is listening) about Changbin, and Chan finally loses his cool, just a little.
“Why are you telling me this when you should be telling him?”
“You know I’m not good with words.” Felix says, his tone still whiney.
“But he is. You’ve told me things, and he’s told me things. You guys need to stop talking to me and start talking to each other.”
“He told you things?” Felix’s voice gets a little higher and he asks, “What did he tell you?” as he invades Chan’s space enough that Woojin yells from the other side of the room.
“Yah, what are you guys doing over there?”
Chan steps back and shakes his head. “Talk to him. Not me.”
It’s after midnight, but Changbin is awake in his room, listening to something in his headphones and furiously writing in his little notebook that Felix knows he uses for lyrics. Felix doesn’t want to interrupt him, but before he can sneak back out of the room Changbin looks up and smiles, pulling his headphones out of his ears.
“What’s up?”
“I… uh… the store… I’m bored, so do you want to go to the convenience store with me?” Felix says, stumbling over his words.
Changbin shrugs and nods, putting his things aside and getting up. “You hungry?”
“Uh… yeah. A little.” It’s mostly a lie, but Felix knows if they’re going to talk they should do it outside the dorm, and this is the most unobjectionable excuse he can think of.
They get ready, bundling up since it’s still winter. Felix puts on a face mask, though he’s still rarely recognized even when he’s got makeup on and it’s light out, and they head out. Chan gives him a thumbs up from where Changbin can’t see him, and it makes the butterflies erupt in his stomach. Oh god, he’s really going to do this, isn’t he?
The cold hits them as soon as they step outside, stinging their ears and giving them a thorough waking up, which Felix appreciates. They walk without talking for a few minutes before the silence starts to get to Felix. Changbin isn’t usually too talkative at the dorm anyway, but Felix knows he’s in an even more contemplative mood right now since he was writing lyrics.
“What were you working on?” Felix asks, trying to fill the silence, even though it hadn’t been all that awkward or tense. They’ve done this so many times before that Felix has lost count, but something feels different tonight. The sky is clear, and though he can’t see any stars, he feels like even the moon is watching them.
“Just some stuff for myself. I don’t think it’ll make it to the album.” Changbin says.
“Really? You haven’t done that in a while. You’ve been working too hard on the album.”
Changbin shrugs, his shoulder bumping Felix’s. “It helps me make sense of my thoughts.”
Felix nods, and because he can’t help his curiosity he asks “What thoughts?”
Changbin doesn’t answer, just looks at him and smiles. Then he speeds ahead to open the door of the 24 hour convenience store.
Felix hurries inside, expecting to take refuge in the warmth of the store, but what he thought would be welcome comfort feels incredibly stuffy; his unanswered question still lingering over them.
The lone worker at the counter mutters a “welcome” without even looking up from his phone, so Felix feels comfortable pulling down his face mask. Felix weaves his way into the aisles, surveying the snacks. Changbin follows him silently, and Felix suddenly feels bad for dragging him along when he had obviously been preoccupied. Felix quickly grabs something he knows he likes, and then Changbin passes by him to stand in front of the varieties of cup ramen and microwavable food.
“What should I get? Probably something spicy since it’s cold out…” Felix can’t tell if Changbin is talking to himself or if he expects an answer. Felix just moves to stand behind him, and then rests his chin on Changbin’s shoulder.
“I’ll eat anything.” Felix says after a moment, his voice low, breath ghosting across Changbin’s ear. Felix thinks he feels Changbin shiver but if he does, he covers it with his shrug. Felix tries to stubbornly keep his chin where it is, but can’t when Changbin leans forward to grab a container.
“You know what would be good with this?” Changbin asks, turning around to look at Felix with a mischievous look on his face, “Soju. Do you want hyung to buy us some?” He smiles and makes his way towards the refrigerators which hold the alcohol.
Felix coughs and looks back at the worker in the front of the store. He’s still not paying them any attention. “Sure.” Felix says, taking the food Changbin is holding out so he can grab the bottles of soju from the fridge.
Felix knows that by getting alcohol Changbin is agreeing to stay out with Felix for a while since they’re not allowed alcohol at the dorm. They don’t have anything to do tomorrow except a little practice later in the day, it’s their first free time in weeks, so there’s no harm in getting a little drunk.
Changbin only gets 2 bottles, and then they make their way to the counter to pay. Changbin pays for everything even though Felix whines at him not to, though his snack is barely 1000 won. The cashier doesn’t even ID them.
They drop their coats and the soju on a table near the microwave, and Felix sits down and opens his snack as Changbin prepares the ramen. The tv in the corner of the store is playing a drama in a hushed tone so it’s impossible to make out what they’re saying, the radio is playing classic korean songs throughout the entire store over their terrible speakers, the cashier is watching videos on his phone and periodically laughing, and it creates a white noise that just adds to the odd ambiance. Felix checks his phone and it’s nearly 2am. He’s gotten a text from Chan that says “don’t stay out all night.”
Felix thinks he should feel weird, or out of place, but for some reason he feels more comfortable and at home here, in their neighborhood convenience store in Seoul, than he ever felt with his parents in Australia.
Felix crunches on his snack and looks over at Changbin, who’s putting hot water in the ramen. He balances 2 sets of chopsticks on top of the ramen and grabs some small cups for their soju with his other hand, then brings it all over to their table.
“It’s good we don’t have a schedule tomorrow, because my face is going to be bloated.” Changbin says, setting down the ramen and plopping down into the seat beside Felix.
“You’ll still be handsome.” Felix says, shaking the soju, then opening it and pouring them each a shot. He downs his, ignoring all the usual Korean drinking conventions. He grimaces at the aftertaste. He always forgets how gross the first shot of soju is.
“True.” Changbin chuckles, and then drinks his shot. He’s pouring them each another as he says “You’re even cuter with a bloated face, though.”
“Lies.” Felix says, but he feels the blush spread across his cheeks and he knows it can’t yet be because of the soju.
Changbin lifts the lid of the ramen and uses his chopstick to stir it, but the noodles are still too hard. Felix is distracted by how deftly his fingers work the chopsticks. Felix had been using chopsticks since he was young too, but not nearly as much as people who were born and raised in Korea. He thinks he’s still always a little awkward at it, so he’s jealous. Plus Changbin has nice hands. He sighs and downs his second shot, and quickly pours himself another.
“Hey, eat before you drink so much.” Changbin says, motioning to Felix’s mostly forgotten snack, “You’re already such a lightweight. Drinking on an empty stomach is a bad idea.”
“Yes, sir.” Felix says sarcastically, but he complies anyway.
Changbin smiles. “Our Felix listens so well.”
“Do I?” Felix asks, in a rebellious tone that’s almost provocative. He can tell the soju is already getting to him, but he drinks his third shot anyway.
Changbin sighs, then downs 2 shots in quick succession to catch up with Felix. They’re almost done with the first bottle already.
Changbin stirs the ramen again, this time deciding it’s done. He pulls up some noodles and blows on them, then lifts the cup and his chopsticks towards Felix so he can take a bite. “Eat.” He says, and Felix does, a little messily.
Changbin pulls the food back to take a bite himself, and Felix grabs the soju bottle and chugs the little that is left.
Changbin shakes his head, but there’s a small smile still playing on his lips. When he finishes chewing he says, “Maybe the soju was a bad idea.”
“It was a great idea.” Felix says, stealing the ramen and taking another bite. Felix has to admit, Changbin had been right that the soju goes nicely with the spicy ramen. He sips some of the soup while Changbin opens the second bottle of soju.
“Chan would say I’m a bad influence.”
Felix shakes his head rather aggressively and says, “Not today.”
Changbin raises an eyebrow, a silent question about why today is different.
Felix bites his lower lip, which is burning from the ramen and he knows his lips are probably a bit redder than normal, and Changbin’s eyes quickly shift down to look at Felix’s lips. Felix lets that, and the soju, give him a little extra confidence. “Chan-hyung basically told me to have a one-on-one talk with you, so soju isn’t bad. Today.” He leaves it at that, and drinks another shot. “Why is this so hard?” He mumbles to himself in English.
“What?” Changbin asks, mouth full.
Felix just shakes his head. He shoves some of his snack into his mouth, intentionally preventing himself from saying anything more. He knows what he wants to say, but he’d barely be able to say it in English, let alone in Korean. He’s trying to format it in his head, trying to remember all the vocab words he’s been studying so diligently these days. He leans back in his seat, and then lets himself rest his head on Changbin’s shoulder. It’s not comfortable and it’s a little awkward for both of them, but he doesn’t care. Felix lets his eyes slip closed, the lack of sleep and the alcohol starting to catch up to him. He can feel Changbin struggling to eat with Felix leaning on him, but he doesn’t ask Felix to move, so he doesn’t move.
It only lasts a minute or two, but it feels like an eternity. He’s startled back to consciousness when he hears the cashier laugh. Felix bolts upright and glances at the worker, but he’s still staring at his phone, unaware and unconcerned with what’s going on on the other side of the store.
Changbin has his phone out, and he’s typing what looks like lyrics into a notes app on his phone, but Felix’s brain isn’t working well enough right now for him to read it very quickly.
Changbin pushes the nearly empty ramen cup towards Felix, and then drinks his cup of soju. “I’m getting hot and you’re obviously tired. Finish that and then we can go?” Changbin says, giving Felix a little smile.
Felix nods and eats the last of the noodles and a little of the soup. The bottle of soju is still half full, so he has another shot. Felix notices they never opened the second set of chopsticks as Changbin starts clearing the table.
Felix wasn’t that tired, and he didn’t actually fall asleep while leaning on Changbin, he’d just wanted to be close to him. He doesn’t want their time to be over, especially since they haven’t really talked yet. Felix shoves the snack bag in the pocket of his coat and puts the lid on the bottle of soju. “Let’s just take this outside? The cold will make me awake.” Felix says.
Changbin nods and pulls his coat on. As soon as they open the door to the outside, Felix is completely awake, but the soju is still taking effect so he grabs onto Changbin’s arm and pulls him close. There’s no table or chairs outside the convenience store since no one wants to sit outside in this weather, so they walk in the direction of their dorm until they find somewhere to sit. They settle on some stairs in front of what looks like a corporate building. They didn’t bring a cup with them so they take turns taking sips of soju from the bottle. Felix keeps his arm wrapped around Changbin’s, a little bit for warmth but mostly just because he wants to keep cuddling with him.
“I have something I want to say.” Felix says, and then Changbin pulls away from Felix’s grip so they can actually look at each other. Felix misses the contact, and words are always hard for him but these ones, he knows, will be harder. Felix looks around and even though there’s no one walking in the business district this late at night, he pulls his hood up so his face is in the shadow.
“Cute.” Changbin says, smiling, and then takes another sip of soju.
“Ugh. Why do you always say stuff like that?” Felix says in English. He’s pretty sure Changbin understands, because he doesn’t ask for clarification and just keeps smiling.
Then Changbin says, “Because you’re cute,” in English.
Felix is so used to hearing those things in Korean, but hearing it in English makes it weirdly more intense. Maybe it’s the soju, or maybe it’s Changbin’s words in his accented English, or maybe it’s the way the light from the city is hitting Changbin’s face as he looks at Felix so softly, but Felix just can’t hold his words back anymore. Even though he says them much too fast and in a language Changbin can only partially understand, he just has to say them. “But you can’t just say stuff like that! Not when I like you this much. Because I like you a lot. Not as a friend, not as a hyung, or a colleague or whatever we are. I like you as something more.” Felix refuses to look at Changbin now, instead staring out at the street. He grabs the soju bottle from the ground between them and takes a big drink.
Changbin switches back to Korean and says, “Hey, idiot. Look at me,” his hand shaking Felix’s thigh. Felix looks at him, and he’s still got that soft smile on his face. “I didn’t understand a lot of that, but I understood the important part.” Changbin moves his hand from Felix’s thigh to his cheek. “I like you too.”
Felix’s eyes widen and he thinks his heart actually stops as Changbin leans in to bring their lips together. They both taste like cheap soju and ramen, and Changbin’s hand is way too cold on his face, and the kiss doesn’t last nearly long enough, but it’s still one of the best kisses Felix has ever had.
The soju bottle is forgotten on the steps as they start making their way back to the dorms. They hold hands until they get too cold and then Changbin shoves both of their hands into his pocket. Felix smiles wide and then gives Changbin another peck on the lips before they round the corner to the dorm.
Felix is swaying slightly as they wait for the elevator and Changbin laughs at him fondly and says, “You really can’t drink well.”
“It’s your fault for suggesting it.” Felix’s pronunciation is terrible, but Changbin can still understand him.
“I might have been hoping something like this would happen.” He says, slipping away from Felix into the elevator.
Felix stumbles after him before cuddling up to his side again. “Evil genius.”
Changbin presses the button for their floor and leans into the wall of the elevator a little. He might talk a big game but he’s almost as much of a lightweight as Felix. “Genius, yes. Evil, debatable.”
Felix laughs. The elevator doors open and Felix pulls Changbin out by his hand.
They quiet as they enter the apartment, trying not to wake anyone. They can see Chan asleep on the couch, and Felix grins because that means they have a bedroom to themselves. They make a lot of unnecessary noise as they take off their winter gear, Felix falling against a wall at one point when he loses his balance taking off a shoe. They both have to put their hands to their mouths to try and stifle their laughter.
“So cute.” Changbin says, and Felix lets the compliment fully wash over him this time, cheeks heating up and chest tightening.
They make their way into the bedroom, falling onto Chanbin’s bed. They’re both exhausted, but they’ve got too much adrenaline coursing through them to be ready for sleep. They end up sharing Changbin’s earbuds and listening to music as they lay next to each other.
“Why did it take this long?” Felix asks after a few songs.
“I wasn’t sure you liked me.”
“You weren’t sure?!” Felix is actually shocked, “I’m always looking at you and hugging you, though.”
Changbin shrugs a shoulder, “You do that with everyone. And whenever I tried to show you I liked you, you didn’t respond.”
Felix shakes his head, pulling the earbuds from both their ears. He pushes himself up on the bed so he can look at Changbin easier. “When did you try to show me?”
“Even today, I bought our food, and took care of you, and complimented you. But you didn’t realize.” Changbin looks almost shy as he says it.
“Oh.” Felix says, and then settles back onto the bed.
“What?”
“I thought you did that with everyone.” They both start laughing, and Felix curls into Changbin, his head resting on Changbin’s chest when they calm down.
“We’re idiots.” Changbin says, and Felix nods and looks up at Changbin, who presses a kiss to his forehead. Soon they both lose their battle with sleep.
&
It’s not until weeks later, when Felix comes across something online about love languages, that he realizes. He doesn’t know if it’s because of where they were raised, or just who they are, but they express love in totally opposite ways.
For Felix, it’s always been about touch, and proximity, and attention. When he likes someone, he’s constantly watching them or touching them.
But for Changbin, those are just things you do with friends. When Changbin likes someone, he expresses it mostly through his words, which he’s always been so good with. He compliments people, and tells them why they’re special and how much they mean to him. Sometimes he gives them things, or takes care of them in subtle ways.
Once Felix realizes that, little interactions that seemed so mundane when they happened become so important. When Changbin called him cute, or when he would compliment Felix’s voice or stage presence, those were all little confessions.
When it came down to it, they both understood each other’s actual language much better than they understood each other’s love language, and all the love had just been lost in translation.