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First thing on the list of things to do after they come back from the tour is sleep. Then have undisturbed proper sex in their bed. And then pack up to go visit Phil’s parents, because Phil missed them terribly and can’t wait another day without Kath’s baking. (Neither can Dan, but he’ll go ahead and pretend that only Phil is desperate for a warm motherly hug).
The flight to Isle of Man is short and uneventful, and feels like nothing after all the long overnight flights they’ve had over the last 5 months. Before Dan can even properly wake up they are in a car and then at the house and then he is being hugged tightly and his hair is being ruffled by Kath and Nigel gives him a warm handshake and then draws him in for a light hug.
***
Dinner is a loud and warm affair. It’s dark outside, but the kitchen is illuminated by a bright yellow light and the table is heavy under various dishes of Kath’s delicious cooking. Phil’s parents ask all sorts of questions about the tour and both Phil and Dan interrupt each other, eager to tell all the funny stories that happened to them.
At some point in the night, when most of the food is eaten and everyone feels full and a bit tired, the conversation shifts to reminiscing of the time when Phil first started talking to Dan.
“Phil suddenly stopped telling us anything! He was so secretive about it at first, so we knew something was up,” says Kath, sipping her tea. “If he would have just behaved normally we probably wouldn’t have noticed anything, just assume he is busy with his YouTube stuff.”
“I remember when he first told us about you, we were so shocked,” chimes in Nigel. “On one hand we were glad it wasn’t drugs or something, but on the other… yeah, it was a different time then”.
Dan always tries to listen very carefully about Phil’s past. For one thing, it’s just interesting to hear other people talk about his partner, but also Phil isn’t very forthcoming about that period in his life. He doesn’t like to talk about sad things.
As though on queue, Phil says “dad, it’s fine,” with a wide (and maybe a tiny bit forced) smile and quickly shifts the conversation. Before long, Kath is telling them about how someone came up to her while she was in London for the tour and recognized her and how it was a great night, and Nigel starts a discussion with Phil about the profit margins of the merch store, and Dan can once again relax and just be enveloped in the warmness of the room and company.
***
After some amazing pie and going through all the photos of Australia and New Zealand Dan and Phil have on their phones, they both go upstairs to the guest bedroom. Phil tells Dan about their plans to go hiking tomorrow as they brush their teeth and change into their night clothes, and Dan hums in agreement distractedly. Phil stays up scrolling through his phone for a half hour and then turns of the bedside light, kisses Dan on the forehead and goes to sleep, but Dan just lies there staring at the dark ceiling, listening to the quiet noises of the house.
Being around the Lesters always causes mixed feelings in Dan. On one hand, he sees this incredibly supportive and loving family, bursting with love for Phil and Dan. But on the other hand, he knows that it wasn’t always the same. Phil might think that all his wounds have healed, but Dan has felt those scars and he knows they still hurt once in a while. He remembers how difficult it was for Phil to stop being a little bit freaked out by the fact that Dan paints his nails and sometimes tries on makeup at home. How long it took Phil to stop calling one of Dan’s sweaters a “women’s sweater”. He remembers how Phil would choose things that wouldn’t be “too girly” for his clothes and accessories, and how he refused to cry in front of Dan, afraid of being seen as weak. He also knows how desperately Phil doesn’t want to be “that gay YouTuber”, and how much time it took him to also start therapy, even with all of his support for Dan to do it.
But even knowing all that, Dan can’t help but love the Lesters even more for it. Because they changed and grew and evolved, and all of that to support their son. And that they regret ever hurting him, and do their best to stop doing it. That they love Dan as their own, even though at first they saw him as a threat and as Phil’s downfall. They took the time to understand what their son does for a living, and who he has decided to spend his life with. Even the fact that they cared enough in the first place to be upset.
That’s the part that probably makes Dan the happiest, but also hurts quite a bit.
Dan’s parents are great. They love him. They accept him for who he is.
At least that’s what Dan keeps saying. But it’s hard to not notice the differences. How his mom only recently expressed any interest in watching his videos. How his dad still sometimes brings up Dan failing at university as something that hurt his chances at being successful. How they just nod when he talks about therapy and his depression, without any particular interest.
He is fine with it most of the time, but hearing Phil talk with his parents about his coming out, he can’t help but feel a little bit deprived. In his family they didn’t talk about it. Ever. He knows that at this point his parents know that Phil is “it” for Dan, but they never asked. Dan’s mom once caught him cuddling with Phil when he was visiting, and she never said anything, just walked out. He knows she told his dad, but he also never discussed it with anyone. When Dan moved in with Phil, they would still refer to him as “your friend”. He never got to explicitly tell them that he is bisexual.
It was just something that was there. Like a lot of things in the Howell household, everyone knew it was there, but no one talked about it. And on one hand, that was good. They didn’t really change the way they treated Dan, they seemed to be alright with Phil being their child’s partner, but it also stung a bit that he never got to come out and be proud. They never told him that they support him and that they are here for him. That seeming indifference sometimes hurt even more than outright rejection.
And sometimes… sometimes he can’t help but assume that they, or at least his dad, is a little disappointed in his choice of partner.
The partner that grunts and shifts in his sleep, pulling the covers and exposing Dan’s feet.
Dan knows he is being a bit unfair. His mom has actually expressed a lot of desire to become closer over the years. She calls and texts and visits. She went to the show and she even read TABINOF. She always asks about Phil and sends him holiday cards. After the divorce with his dad, she really tries her best to be a supportive parent to both him and his brother.
His dad on the other hand is quite distant. And it’s not like Dan particularly wants to be closer. The divorce was painful for all of them, and at the time it seems much easier to just keep his distance.
Dan and his dad exchange the occasional birthday and Christmas text, and Dan sends his dad an Amazon gift card every year for Fathers’ Day, but other than that they almost never talk. Dan sent a ticket to the Interactive Introverts show to his dad but never heard back. Which is fine. It’s all fine. He didn’t really want him there in the first place, or so he tells himself.
But sometimes, especially while lying in bed with Phil in the guest room of his in-laws’ house, full of a delicious home cooked meal, listening to his partner’s steady breathing, he can’t help but remember things that hurt him. That he has wanted to put behind him but for some reason can’t. The thoughts keep swirling around in Dan’s brain and no matter how much he tries to push them away they just become louder and louder. Suddenly, he feels like he has to tell someone or he will explode.
“Phil! Phil, wake up” he whispers.
He feels Phil turn around in the bed and grunt.
“Phil! Phiiiil…” he continues to whisper, this time moving closer to him and shaking him slightly.
“Dan, you ok?” Phil asks sleepily. He rubs his eyes trying to focus on Dan’s face and he looks worried and disoriented.
“I’m ok, I just need to tell you something.”
To Phil’s credit, he immediately sits up in bed and does his best to gather his wits. This isn’t the first time this has happened. Dan’s brain often goes through the process of mulling over a thought or a memory until he just has to let it out and telling Phil is the way he has been doing it in the past. This is how Dan first told Phil he wants to go to therapy (interrupting Phil’s morning shower) or how he told him that he once wet the bed during a sleepover at his girlfriend’s house and even though she was really nice about it, the memory still haunts him (he shared that at 5 am before a meeting with their agent) or that he has decided to unfollow Kanye on twitter (he actually called Phil to tell him that while he was at Tesco).
“I’m listening,” mutters Phil.
Dan feels tears sting his eyes. He can’t really explain why this is such a big deal to him, but every time he remembers this episode, he feels as though he's still an unsure, sad, bullied teenager who doesn’t know how to live with himself and the world around him.
“My father once said that he hopes at least Adrian has a family some day.”
He remembers his father saying this to him over dinner, 3 years ago, as a funny comment to the conversation they were having. Something about how young people nowadays spend more time being single than ever before. He was already living with Phil for 4 years at that point. They co-owned a company and were registered as domestic partners and paid taxes together. They had already discussed the possibility of adopting a child eventually. They were a family. And his father’s words dismissed all of that. At the time, he just stayed silent, telling himself that it’s not a big deal. That his father just made a joke (which his entire family chuckled at, which also adds to the sting). And that it doesn’t matter at all.
Except it did. It mattered then and it matters now, and even though no one probably remembers this, Dan does. And when he sees Phil’s parents being so supportive and inclusive towards him, the pain of his father not thinking that Phil, the love of his life, his partner in every single thing, is family, becomes too much.
Phil stays silent, as though waiting for Dan to elaborate. But Dan can’t bring himself to say anything. Because what do you say? My dad said an offhand comment and I’m still thinking about it years later? He knows it’s irrational, and that if it had bothered him he should have said it then. He should have said: “Dad, I’m bisexual, I’m in a relationship with a man and I will be for the foreseeable future. We are a family.”
But he didn’t. And it hurts.
“He was wrong, Dan.” says Phil, and even though he is sleepy, there is conviction in his voice. “He was wrong to say that.”
“He’s a good dad,” Dan replies, although it comes out more of like a question rather than a statement. The tears are now falling down his cheeks.
“He is. But he was wrong. He shouldn’t have said that.”
Dan let out a deep sob and before he knows it he is pressed against Phil’s chest, soaking his shirt with tears and snot. His mind immediately starts producing excuses for his parents. He didn’t talk to them enough, they were busy, they had their problems, but Phil keeps whispering to him “He was wrong, babe. He was,” and Dan keeps crying and the pain he has tried to keep suppressed comes out in violent waves. They were wrong. They hurt Dan. Even if they didn’t want to.
It takes some time, but eventually there are no more tears and Dan just feels hollow. And sorry for himself. Not even for his current self, because his current self is wrapped in the arms of a wonderful man, in a room that belongs to two wonderful people who love him like a son. He feels sorry for his younger self. The one that didn’t have all of this. The one that was emotional and sensitive and had nowhere to express that, the one who was kicked around and beaten up because he looked gay and felt like he had no one to turn to. The one who desperately wanted his parent’s approval but felt like he failed at everything.
As always after episodes like this, they end up talking about it for hours. When Dan feels calmer he tells Phil that it still hurts him that he never got to tell his parents about their relationship. Or about his career. That it was always just there, but they never asked. Phil brings up all the same points that Dan has talked about. How maybe they wanted to make him feel like it’s not a big deal, or that they were afraid of assuming. But in the end, Phil asks if Dan would like to call his father and talk about it.
By the time they finish talking Dan is exhausted and falls asleep curled up against Phil’s side. It’s uncomfortable for both of them, but neither of them wants to move away. They will deal with sore muscles later.
***
When they get back to London Phil immediately goes to take a shower. He spilled his coffee over his pants on the flight, complained about a building headache and is quite in the sour mood by the end of the trip. He leaves Dan to start unpacking the suitcases and starting the piles of laundry left over from the tour and this trip.
While waiting for the washing machine to finish its cycle, Dan gets out his phone and looks through his draft messages again.
hi dad, just got back from tour, do you want to meet
i love phil dad we are buying a
i’m bisexual and i
i know you dont like my job but
dad phil and i are getting married next year would
you dont remember this but you once said i will never hav
He is tempted to send them. All of them. Either one of them. He has been agonizing about it for days.
When he was saying goodbye to the Lesters he just randomly blurted “I love your son” to Kath who raised an eyebrow and told him “I know, love, thank you for doing that, he is quite the pain” and somehow the could-be-awkward-slash-sentimental moment turned into Phil sulking at his mum and proclaiming that he “is a delight!” and everyone laughing.
He keeps thinking about what he wants to say to his dad. But also what he wants to hear back. Does he want him to apologize? But for what? He doesn’t even know. Does he want him to just say “ok” and move on? If nothing else, that seems even more painful.
He ends up typing up hey dad, i’m back in london want to meet up sometime? by the time Phil leaves the shower, wrapped up in three towels and still managing to drip water all over the place. A shower hasn’t seem to lift Phil’s mood because he angrily marches over to the bed, throws all the towels on the floor and practically buries into the sheets and pillows, making annoyed noises. Within 3 minutes Dan can hear Phil’s breathing even out and he knows he has fallen asleep.
Dan walks over to the bedroom, picks up the wet towels and dirty clothes, covers Phil with the duvet, closes the curtains on the window and leaves to start another load of laundry, softly closing the door behind him. He walks into the bathroom and he sees Phil’s contact lenses left out on the sink. With a sigh he puts them away in the cabinet and wipes the wet floor. He picks up the pile of mail on his way and throws it on the coffee table in the lounge. The top letter is most likely their electric bill. It’s addressed to Mr. and Mr. Lester.
Dan walks back into the bedroom, sheds all his clothes and climbs into bed. He feels Phil shifting around, automatically curling up to press his naked back against Dan’s side and letting out a content sigh.
Dan deletes the message he typed. And all the drafts. Instead he opens twitter and posts:
@amazingphil how wet do you get in the shwer if you dry with 3 towels and still flood the entire floor.