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He didn’t mean to go scrolling the feeds tonight. It was just a stupid thing to do when killing time. Usually he just casually went to see if there were some bigger fan memes or jokes going around but when that one video flashed by his eyes, the memories came flashing too hard and he had clicked play before even before he had time to stop himself."
It’s not like he didn’t follow-up the stuff posted on the internet after every event. Mostly it was photos taken with fans, videos from the panels and just stories on how people enjoyed their time. It was also instant feedback that you knew that yeah, you did alright, no need to worry.
The worst was what came after. Well, not the worst, it’s not like he didn’t have some good laughs when the fans where inventing funny gifs or memes. But the ones that truly hit home were the small snippets that the fans caught and turned into part of their shipping universe. He knows it’s only in a friendly way and the fans love to play around that they were all just practically married together because it’s just too cute to be true. You just never knew when a new one popped up, it could be years later after you’ve finally let out the huge breath of nervousness of the “what if I messed something up”.
But once again when he saw that they caught the small but pretty obvious disappointment on his face after Seb turned to Mackie, when he had tried to just turn his face forward and just try to avoid seeing what was happening next to him..well, he can’t help but wallow in that small dark pit he has dug for himself over the years.
Because, y’know, it was just him and Seb at first. Back when they did the first Cap movie. He got him all to himself and didn’t have to share. They spend a lot time in the back of the set, just goofing around and trying to get through the long days of filming. The press tour was even better because the folks at Marvel basically just teamed them up together and he spent almost all the time 24/7 with the guy at one point. Even when they did their separate interviews, they always met up on breaks, had lunch together..Even shared a hotel room once when there was a misunderstanding with the hotel and they just wanted the staff to stop looking like they might start crying any minute. They were always sat together at events, at meetings, everything, and it was him that Seb turned to when sharing an inside joke, it was him that got to see those gray big eyes crinkle up and those white teeth flashed with a huge open mouth laughs even at very inappropriate moments when they actually were supposed to listen to some executive explain the schedule for the day. It was him who got to feel those hands on him when he was looking elsewhere and it made him feel good that somebody really wanted his attention and how could he say no?
But after the Winter Soldier movie, things changed (yeah just blame the movie, no need to mention anything else). Seb and Mackie hit it off on set and the whole filming crew could see it. Sometimes when he was coming back from his trailer or just grabbing something to eat while the other’s scenes were filmed, coming back to a smiling and laughing crew would have been fantastic but to notice that the reason for that was Mackie mouthing off in some scene, shouting “cut the check!” or just being his charming self had everybody sniggering. And Seb was there, eyes shining and holding his stomach when the laughing got too much and Mackie would just keep throwing more fuel to the fire by cracking more jokes. It’s not like he didn’t get a smile or two himself but it just didn’t reach his eyes and it was more than once that he just couldn’t take it and decided that maybe he could finish his sandwich by the make-up team trailers where a few tables and chairs were always free during filming (the make-up girls had more running to do then, trying to fix the make-up and hair every change they got between takes.)
But now he’s just getting sidetracked. Anyways, it was obvious that after everything that Mackie and Seb would be the ones teamed up when the press tour started. He was Cap, the lead character and he could do the interviews by himself. He’s a big boy now, familiar with the big huge machine that is MCU. That was most of the time, but he did manage to get few with Scarlett after talking to the press team. Maybe they pitied him when he came over and fumbled over the words but whatever, he got at least something that he wanted.
But to watch that look come over his face and he remembered that small burn in his chest every time something like that happened, the memory of his heart starting to beat harder on his chest and the surrounding voices just blending in to a whoosh.. He could feel the sudden tears pricking his eyes now, sitting in the shadows of his softly illuminated living room and had to blink a few times to stop them from falling. It’s over, time to move on, just fucking grow up from that safe place where things like his feelings mattered. Where he hadn’t messed up and told too much.
Next time he would do better, be more concentrated during the panel, not going to let his thoughts wander enough that those kinds of things would pull down the happy press smile and the upbeat feel of being up there in front of an audience. If he let that slip, this happened and he forgot to control himself and it was always caught at some point. Hundreds of cameras was just something that you could not hide anything from and you had to keep up with the show even when you were just supposed to sit there and “look pretty” like Robert always joked to him (not without giving a warm brown eyed look that told too much of the things he always left unsaid when surrounded by others but everytime left him feeling warm and important, like he did matter).
The rest of the panel had felt forced and he had trouble making eye contact with Seb. Always afraid that he was showing too much, enough that it would make things awkward between them. The moment when they had finally made it back backstage he’d got a breath in without feeling like it was too suffocating. Everybody was heading for a small afterparty and he..he just couldn’t. Faked that he had a migraine, made his excuses and almost ran out after that.
And now, sitting by his computer, seeing that video playing over and over and wishing that it would have been different. But it wasn’t and that was okay, fine, absolutely fucking fantastic. Slamming the top of the laptop back down and pretended that his hands weren’t shaking, he called out to Dodger
“Hey buddy, wanna go for a late night walk? Dodgie..?”
A small bark came from the bedroom and nails scritchscratched on the floor when Dodger came running to the living room, already looking enthusiastic about a nightly stroll with his daddy.
“Yeah buddy, let’s go for some fresh air, huh? Just you and me?”
Tail wagging, bright eyes and a small soft eager woof was his answer as he rose from the desk and a small smile curved on his lips that it was going to be okay, even if he had to pretend it for a while. Time healed stuff and made you forgot the sharp edges that hurt right? Petting Dodger’s head he turned to the door, reaching for the leash hanging by it and wiping his hand on his jeans (after an sloppy lick from his droolbuddy) he took one last look at the computer abandoned on the living room table (and wished that Seb was too busy to see the vid) and then turned to face the cooler air behind the open door.
the end