Chapter Text
"Rule 5; when I move, you move.”
That’s what Dr. Bailey said and moving is all they had done.
They moved at a run to get to patients, to get to labs, to write reports and now Alex was exhausted.
He was told he could go home to rest since the forty-eight-hour soul-breaking shift was over.
The only problem being that Alex’s current ‘home’’ was more then a little shabby, considering it was in a rundown motel 6 that had coffee grinds in the sink, the smell of weed as a constant air-freshener and dog hair literally Everywhere.
He didn’t even own a pet.
So, he was more then happy with the cheep hospital cot and sheet way of life for however long he could pass out before he was up and at it again. Or at least, he was trying to be.
But for some sleep-deprived reason he’d forgotten his life long habit, and it was biting him in the ass.
He debated it for an hour, before frustrated tears had built up and started falling onto the under-stuffed pillow he’d crammed under his head.
He knew that there was literally no hope in even trying to deny himself the small comfort and its not like it would be any less embarrassing then being found crying from over exhaustion then what he was aching to do.
So, he slipped his thumb into his mouth, a pang of anxiety lightning up in his belly before he sneakily pushed the sheet over his hand.
He sighed deeply through his nose, feeling the tension finally drain from his body almost instantaneously at the rhythmic comforting motion; the sleepiness that had been heavy, but not enough to pull him under, gradually lulling him down.
He rarely indulged himself like this.
Normally just toughing it out until he crashed; or more likely didn’t crash.
But, today had been a lot more exhausting emotionally and physically then he’d anticipated.
His finger curled over his cold nose and he finally drifted into a dreamless sleep.
———————————————
He woke a few hours later, eyes squinted as he groggily tried to figure out what woke him up.
He gave up quickly wiggling around a bit to get comfortable again, his heart pounding hard then stopping at the realization.
Fuck.
He quickly got up, action taking over panic as he flipped the cot not bothering to look at the damage done then thanking god that it didn’t have springs on the other side like his old one back at his childhood home; It’s weird.
How even an absence of something could drag out bad memories.
He remembers himself as a kid, maybe six? the springs of his mattress digging into his back and sides, biting at his bruises and coiling at open wounds.
Cradling his broken wrist still screaming at having had to frantically flip the mattress and hide the stain earlier as heavy footsteps shook the minimal safety of his small room, hoping that hiding his childish mistake would make him less of a target for drunken anger.
Only to get a whooping or a beating for something else anyway.
He shook his head, No time for pity party’s he had to fix this mess.
He yanked off and rolled up the sheets heading to the door a few steps back and thanking himself for having the forethought to have locked it.
His bum and the bottom of his shirt was wet, but Unfortunately he didn’t have a change of clothes So he’d just have to be careful. He snuck into the hall.
Now, where do you drop laundry off?
___________________________
God.
Derek was so fucking tired.
Everything about him was tired; his eyes, his hands, his legs. His hair; (when he laughed at his own admittedly vain joke he knew even his sense of humor was tired.) but, knowing that a cheep cot and hospital blanket was waiting for him he sped up a bit.
(bedbedbedbedbedbed) His net worth of $914,796 neurosurgeon brain supplied him as he quickly walked down the corridors (bedbedbedouchperson)
He couldn’t do anything as the thing-that-ran-into-him fell to the ground and onto its behind.
He did however manage to quickly grab the back of his head and keep that mess from happening.
He was about to ask if he was okay before being startled by a broken wail.
Instantly all exhaustion dissipated as the sobbing (little?) thrashed to brake free from him and put as much distance as he could between them.
He was confused, his heart aching as the little guy curled up and continued to sob. “Hey.” He whispered carefully approaching who he now saw was an intern.
“You okay sweetheart? You fell pretty hard.” He crouched down, laying his hand on the kids head.
Alex flinched, hard.
But when the hand just laid there he tentatively looked up.
His eyes went wide when he saw it was Dr. Shepherd.
The head of Neurosurgery.
His face crumbled more as he became embarrassed, but he forced himself to start calming down.
Derek felt like his heart was tearing apart in his chest as the little forced himself to calm down.
That paired with the flinching?
It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out.
He felt his long repressed caregiver tendency’s kick in as he inched closer.
“Hey, no need for that buddy. Its okay. Its okay to be sad, I scared you didn’t I? And I bet falling hurt.” Shepherd cooed, pulling Alex into a hug.
Alex couldn’t handle this.
The guy was being really really nice and Alex felt fuzzy and his tailbone hurt and-and “m’ wet!” he jumped back his face burning.
“That’s okay. Accidents happen bud.”
Shepherd had smelled the urine immediately. But years as a surgeon made you stop caring about most bodily fluids after awhile.
“Now, where’s your mommy or daddy hmm?”
Alex blinked “I don’t have one.” He whispered, quickly adding. “And I’m notta’... I am not a little.” God. This was just getting worse.
Shepherd actually looked surprised at that.
“Oh? Well. I um.. Are you sure? Bud- hey. What’s your name then?”
Alex took a minute to process shepherds questions. “Yeah. I’m a big bo- I’m big. And it’s Alex. Kareve. Alex Kareve.”
He nibbled at his thumb nail nervously.
Shepherd nodded, his eyes crinkling when Alex almost said he was a big boy.
“Alex Kareve? Well I’m Derek shepherd. I’m head of neuro here and I’m guessing you just want to get out of those icky clothes, big or little huh bud?”
Alex felt a bit patronized but shook it off.
Going to stand back up he wobbled a bit before Derek grabbed him and scooped him up onto his hip.
“hey! Let me go! I’m big, stupid!” Alex pushed at Derek’s chest and Derek chuckled at his antics.
“Stop that.” He grabbed both of Alex's hands gently in his own and wrapped his arm around his bum, pulling him around to his front. "Look at me Alex.” Alex glared daggers at him and Derek suppressed a coo.
“If you want to get clean and not get caught by another overtired surgeon. Maybe you should listen to me.”
Alex softened, his face openly curious; Derek seriously doubted Alex wasn’t a little, even if he didn’t know it.
“I’m guessing you’re with the group of new interns that arrived day before yesterday?”Alex nodded looking confused.
Shepherds face lit up “Well, then you probably don’t know where the hampers are around here and you don’t want to get caught with those sheets?”
Alex shook his head hard, Derek having to let go of his hands to support him.
“Well, then. I do know where to put the sheets.” He chuckled, grabbing them and twisting them up before putting them under his arm. “And I think if I carry you to the resident lockers and you hide your face. No one will know its you.”
Alex’s eyes widened “the residents lockers?”
Shepherd nodded “yeah, but don’t tell anyone. You’re not supposed to be allowed in until you’re a resident.”
He winked and Alex grinned, his nose crinkling adorably as he nodded. “I promise. I won’t tell anyone!” he whisper/shouted.
“Good boy. Lets go then” Alex pressed his face into the crook of Shepherds neck and it sent waves of affection through him, It was like he’d found something that was missing.
As they walked, they did pass someone.
But, the nurse just smiled at them and continued walking.
——————————————
“Okay. We’re here.” Alex had been dozing, but he quickly woke up and looked around.
Derek felt a bit bad. The residents locker room was much nicer then the interns.
But it wasn’t exactly cool.
“This is really really cool.” Alex murmured his eyes sparkling and taking in every detail.
Derek bit his lip to keep from kissing the side of Alex’s head. This kid was adorable.“Yeah? Well, I’ll make sure you get a good locker when you’re a resident.”
Alex looked so suddenly upset that Derek put him down.
For a moment Alex just looked away to compose himself. “You think I can become a resident?” he hiccoughed finally, His face still turned to the ground.
Shepherd was taken aback. “Yes. You’re on baileys team right? She always gets the best ones.”
Derek wanted to take away all the bad things that must have happened to this poor loving kid.
Alex looked at him his eyes shining “and you think I can do it? You do.”
Derek nodded, unable to help himself he pulled him into a hug. “Yes, sweetheart I do.”
Alex was trembling slightly, the abrupt meeting and wake up call having broken away old walls.
He sniffled into Derek’s shoulder wetly. "No ones ever said I could do something.” He croaked. “No one ever believed that I’d be anything.”
Too soon he pulling back and wiping at his eyes. “Hah! I must look so freaking stupid. I promise I don’t normally cry like a girl all the time!” he laughed.
Derek rolled his eyes at the girl comment. “You don’t look stupid, I bet you don’t cry in front of people at all usually.”
“No, I don’t.” he shook his head looking embarrassed again “I haven’t cried in front of anyone for a long time.” He shrugged “It’s your fault for being too nice to me.”
He punched him lightly and Derek smiled.
“Sorry, can’t help then, I don’t think I could ever be mean to you bud.“ Derek walked to the storage closet, coming out with a pair of new scrubs.
“Do you want help?” he asked awkwardly.
Alex shook his head “No, I can do it by myself.” With that said, he grabbed them and walked into the bathroom.
—————————————————
Finally Coming out; (any later and Derek would’ve knocked) Alex looked uncomfortable and had fresh tears running down his face.
Shepherd tried his hardest not to look too alarmed as he walked over to him.
“What’s wrong?” he lightly touched his arm and Alex huffed out a choked laugh.
“Nothin’ just hurts.”
Derek made an ‘oh’ face “I bet. You were like that for a while, huh? Is it red?”
Alex shuffled. “... a little.”
Derek debated what to do before just biting the bullet.“Do you want me to fix it?”
Alex's eyebrows shot up at that.
“How?” he sounded skeptical but it wasn’t a no.
With that, Derek was already at the cubby next to his digging through some bags.
“The head of cardio here has a little. I bet he wont mind if we borrow some stuff.” He pulled out a zipped up bag before going to Alex.“Lay down and I’ll fix you up.”
Alex was gapping at him.“I can do it myself!”
“It’s going to hurt before it gets better. And I’m a doctor. I’ve seen and done it all, no need to be embarrassed.” Derek unzipped it and waited.
Alex rocked from foot to foot biting his lip considering.
“You won’t tell anyone. Not even your girlfriend, or whatever.”
Derek smiled at his snarky tone.
This seemed to be more like how Alex normally acted.
“I won’t tell anyone bud. C’mere”
After some internal debate, Alex laid down in front of him.
He was just loosing the drawstrings of Alex’s scrub bottoms when a hand shot out and grabbed his wrist, he look up at its owner but couldn’t catch his eyes.
“You don’t.. Just don’t be weird. Okay?” he said quietly.
Derek pushed down the hurt and rage he felt for this damaged little guy.
“Okay.”
The hand stayed for a beat longer, before dropping again.
Deciding that distraction was the best way to go about this he started talking. “I used to babysit a lot for this one couple. They had the cutest little, he was a bit crazy. but other than that he was a sweetheart.”
He droned on about the little as he tugged down Alexis’s scrub bottoms, lightly touching his side to reassure him before he started wiping down the reddened skin.
Alex hadn’t done a good job initially and Derek was glad he was the one doing it this time.
Poor Alex was whimpering and squirming uncomfortably because like Derek said, it would hurt before it got better.
As he carefully applied the rash cream Alex audibly sighed, finally relaxing.
He finished up with powder and shimmying back on the scrubs, before leaning back and wiping his hands off. “Okay! All done, feel better?”
Alex’s eyes were drooping and his thumb was creeping up to his mouth.
“Alex?” he got a glimpse of soft brown eyes and felt warmth spread throughout his body.
“Hey, there baby boy.” He whispered softly grabbing the hand that was reaching for him and giving it a light squeeze.“Feeling little bud?”
Alex looked a bit perplexed before speaking. “don’ know shepurr. S’ Otay.” He said around his thumb, lazily playing with shepherd’s fingers as he made soft suckling noises.
Derek felt like he was witnessing a first for Alex and he wasn’t sure how he should react.
This wasn’t how it worked.
Normally, you went to a psychologist got evaluated, got classified then put on a waiting list. It was normally so formal.
It wasn’t like a spur of the moment kind of thing. You weren’t supposed to just find a little like they were your soul mate.
He felt bad, Alex had seemed so little to him and he’d just gone with the feeling and kept going with it.
Maybe he pushed too hard?
He’d defiantly pushed too hard.
“I’m sorry bud. You didn’t want to be little and I pushed anyway.”
Alex still looked a bit hazy but like something bigger was brewing underneath his little mindset.
Derek knew that Alex’s big self was starting to panic and it was definitely because of something he said. “I not...I’m not. I’m sorry doctor shepherd. I have to go.” With that he bolted and Derek was left numb and sitting on the ground as the door slammed.
___________________________
Alex felt white hot shame as he raced down the halls of the hospital.
What the actual living hell?
What even happened back there?
He’d let himself be carried by another man after wetting the bed during a nap like an infant and then he let him CLEAN HIM UP.
He felt his stomach do flips and had to sit down.
Bile was rising in his throat so he closed his eyes really hard and tried to think of something else. It wasn’t working.
All he could think of was Shepherd and how he’d talked to him and carried him.
He was so nice and Alex was so stupid.
He didn’t know why he felt so fuzzy, it was like something in him knew he was safe with Shepherd and he’d just let all his urges go wild.
He’d sucked his thumb and held shepherds hand and cried and ugh.
He could feel himself getting worked up again.
He should go back to his motel, rest and forget this ever happened.
____________________________
Alex had opened up.
Derek put his head in his hands, running his fingers through his thick hair.
He’d had time to think about it and Alex acting like that wasn’t an accident.
The kid had trusted him and he threw it in his face, made it seem like it was a bad thing.
He messed up and now he didn’t know what to do. He’d known the kid for maybe an hour but it felt like he’d known him forever.
He hated himself honestly.
Love at first sight and soulmates were things he really believed in.
But, only for romantic relationships.
Not something as serious and life changing as littles and caretakers.
Time for him to rethink some stuff.
_______________________________
Derek was giving Alex the space he clearly wanted and needed.
He defiantly wanted to address what had happened to make sure Alex was alright but he’d wait until he came to him.
Alex on the other hand never ever wanted to address anything ever with Doctor Shepherd.
He’d been avoiding him for over three weeks now and it was going great.
He was currently walking past the big dumb glass monstrosity that was the hospitals version of a littles daycare center, It was unavoidable unless you walked outside to get to the cafeteria; (Even then they had a pirate ship themed play structure buzzing with them anyway, so why bother?) and if you bothered to look inside you’d see some pretty cool toys and colorful pictures covering the place. Alex tried really hard not be someone who bothered to look inside, but he couldn’t help it.
He rolled his eyes when a little looked at him and waved, He hated Little’s.
He tried not to say anything or glare;(He wasn’t his father) and he didn’t get it FROM his father.
It was just something he felt, every time he saw a “little” being held or cuddled or fed or just holding one of their toys with a pacifier in their mouth and not a care in their stupid perfect world, He felt angry and wronged.
Wronged of his childhood as they sat back and soaked up attention and love like fucking leeches.
They already had a childhood. a real one.
with good parents. (Well, not all of them but most.) and even if they didn’t they shouldn’t get a new one.
As he was thinking the little had gotten mad at him for some reason and stuck her tongue out at him. He immediately felt yucky and his lip popped out for some reason.
He was about to stick HIS tongue out at HER to see how SHE liked it, when Shepherd walked up.
“Hey, Alex.” He started awkwardly then seeing Alex’s’ trembling lip and wet eyes he stopped short, worrying that it might be him before seeing the little girl who was continuing to taunt Alex.
Alex had whirled around when he heard his voice but went back to looking at the little.
“Oh, no! Maya’s at it again, huh? Don’t mind her she’s just silly.” He didn’t want to patronize him anymore then he already had. but Alex just looked so sad he couldn’t help it, he needed to make him feel better.
“She is? But she’s being mean.” He looked back at Shepherd with a pout before remembering himself and clearing his throat.
“Sorry, Doctor Shepherd. You wanted to speak to me?” His cheeks were slightly pink and he crossed his arms protectively over himself; but, he still felt like he was playing it off pretty well.
Shepherd smiled, why was this kid so damned cute? It was making him forget what he wanted to say.
“Yes, I’m sorry. I just wanted to see if you were alright? You seemed really upset when you left and I wanted to apologize and maybe talk about it?”
He shrugged charming smile tugging at his lips “I’ll buy you lunch? We don’t even have to eat here. I’m free for awhile.”
Alex was flabbergasted, Derek was apologizing to him? But he’d been the one who was weird and crazy needy.
He told him as much.
Derek looked shocked before laughing warmly and Alex smiled.“Well, good. I can handle embarrassed a lot more then mad at me or accidentally hurting you.”
He tilted his head.
“You like ferry boats?”