Chapter Text
*Shanghai 2017*
It's not until after their dinner with their fellow Laver Cup teammates that things actually take an unexpected and very much unwanted turn. Dinner has been a lively affair, stories of the tournament in Prague going back and forth, lots of laughs and teasing going around and the members of team Europe feeling happy and relaxed around one another. It's later. Back in the hotel lobby, when Roger overhears a piece of conversation in German between Sascha and Dominic that makes him realize that maybe, just maybe he hasn't been as sneaky and subtle as he thought he had been and that if these two kids have picked up on it... so has the rest of the world watching. They are talking about one of the afternoons when neither Roger nor Rafa were playing but were cheering on their teammates and engaged in what Roger remembers as a very lively conversation. As it turns out, Dominic has a slightly different recollection of the events and Sascha- who wasn't even sitting with them at the time - is wholeheartedly agreeing with him.
“I was sitting right there in between them and I never felt more uncomfortable in my whole life. I mean it was nice and I enjoyed listening in and they tried to incorporate me in their conversation here and there but still... all I could think of the entire time was like... get a room already, you two...”
“I know, right! That's exactly what I was thinking!”
The two youngsters – Roger can't help to think of them as boys in that moment – giggle about the memory and are completely oblivious to both the fact that he is just a couple of paces behind them listening and how much it scares him to hear their assessment of the situation. Get a room... If only those two would know how close to the truth they actually are... The whole long weekend in Prague has been like a bubble away from reality. It was different from anything else they ever had. It wasn't like a tournament where they have to steal time in between matches and other responsibilities, sneaking around team and family to find enough time and a proper space to be together. It's not like an exhibition or on breaks from the tour either, when they try to align their schedule and find time away from practice and friends and family to find a place to meet and simply enjoy themselves for a little while. It almost always feels like stolen time... and maybe it is.
But in Prague things were different. They aren't rivals or competitors, two different sides to the same coin, each representing their own unique style, approach and mindset to the sport. They are teammates, friends, supposed to lead and bring together the team they represent. Sitting together, having fun, spending time off court at dinners and nightcaps and sleeping on the same floor of the same hotel... It was all expected of them. And it made them just a tiny bit more careless than they usually would have been. Neither one of them has noticed, both of them perfectly happy with how easily everything falls into place. But others have noticed. And they talk. The Laver Cup bubble has suddenly burst and cold, hard reality is invading that precious weekend. It's downright scary and it warrants some kind of action – an immediate action. A drastic one... because this is a drastic problem.
Nothing has happened – yet. And that is the imperative word. If Sascha and Domi are talking about it, Roger is sure so are other people. As long as it's just talking, that is okay. But what if there are rumors? Or – god forbid – somebody actually saw them in the corridor of their hotel after dinner, too close and too friendly, knocking on the door of the other's hotel room and disappearing inside without ever reemerging until the next morning. It would be a disaster... and it would bring with it the potential to destroy every last thing he has ever achieved. It could destroy both their careers, their legacies... and their family life.
Maybe it's a little easier for Rafa. It's just the way his relationship presents itself to the outside world. At the best of times it's attributed to the fact that Rafa and Meri like to keep their private life to themselves. At the worst of times she looks very much like an excuse to keep any kind of rumors at bay. It's not entirely unwarranted and not just because Roger knows better. Rafa has sort of set himself up for it. He's been with the woman like close to 15 years now and there never once has been talk of marriage and children and family. It's always about privacy and about things that are meant for a later time, for after – after retirement, after the professional sport is no longer a part of Rafa's life.
For Roger it is different. He is married, he has children. His relationship with Mirka, his family life is a little more open and publicly recognized because his family travels with him a lot of the time and because Mika is not only his wife but his manager. It makes this whole damn mess so much harder. Roger knows he can't go from being a husband and father and the greatest the sport has ever seen to the gay guy who betrayed his family. That would be what it boils down to. No longer the family man, no longer the maestro, no longer the 20 times Grand Slam champion. Just a guy who ruined it all by hiding that he is gay and in a semi exclusive relationship with his biggest rival... Everything he is, he has done, he has achieved, every last piece of his legacy would all be destroyed... And for what? For one careless weekend of too little thinking and too much fun? The press would have a field day with that... and Roger's life would inevitably be ruined. And that is not to happen. Not now, not ever.
Later on Roger often wonders if it wouldn't have been better to just sleep on it and make a decision in the morning, instead of immediately reacting to what he has heard of a conversation clearly not meant for him. Instead of running off to talk to Rafa like a headless chicken, he could have taken his time, given it a little more thought and made a balanced decision from there on out. But he doesn't... and things inevitably play out as they are destined to. He isn't even halfway through the door to Rafa's hotel room, on which he has knocked on rather urgently just seconds ago, when the words, the decision he has come up with, is already out of his mouth – breathless and desperate.
“I think we should take a break. Just for a little while...”
“No.”
Rafa's reaction is immediate and he doesn't even sound angry. It's more a show of confusion and apart from that he is his usual stubborn and determined self, very much unwilling to listen and to simply accept a decision made on his behalf, but without his opinion asked or his input valued. Later on Roger realizes that this was never just his decision to make. In that moment Rafa denying his solution sobers him up just a little. At least enough to have a more useful conversation and to put things a bit more into perspective.
“I'm not saying not to see each other. Just to be a little less obvious... a little less around one another. Just for a little while, okay? Until things die down a little?”
“What things?”
“Laver Cup. Us playing together, us supporting the team, us... talking.”
“You mean you not keeping your hands off me?”
“It wasn't like that!”
Rafa is joking about the matter instead of taking things seriously and that is the very last thing Roger needs after working himself up into a frenzy over the consequences this whole thing might have. Rafa is obviously a lot less bothered and that immediately pushes Roger into a corner where he feels he has to be defensive. Maybe it's uncalled for and it's definitely not helping, but Rafa is so infuriatingly uncaring about this whole thing! The Spaniard gives him a trademark raised eyebrow to show his disagreement and disregard and Roger can't help but feel irritated and just a little angrier than he already did before. It's not like Rafa did anything to stop him. This isn't his fault exclusively even if he obviously was the one to engage in physical contact a lot of the time.
“People are talking...”
“What people?”
“Pretty much everybody for heaven's sake. Press, fans... Sascha and Domi...”
Rafa's expression changes from amused to alarmed all of a sudden and Roger refrains from breathing a sigh of relief. It seems they are finally on the same page now, both aware that the consequences arising from people shooting their mouth of about them could be anything but pleasant. The mention of the two youngsters does indeed get Rafa's attention and he wants to know what exactly it is that these two have been saying to get a feel for how serious the problem is.
“What do they say?!
“They joked about us being so... friendly around one another. They were very much aware of it. Dominic said he felt uncomfortable being right in the middle and that he couldn't stop thinking that we two should get a room to engage in our... displays of affection in private. Which we did as you very well know.”
Rafa has been listening closely to everything Roger has to say but his previous expression of alarm has morphed again. The fact that he doesn't even look worried doesn't sit right with Roger though. It seems more like Rafa is interested in what those two had to say, maybe even amused. Obviously he sees no threat in these two younger man gossiping about his and Roger's relationship and the way they very obviously displayed it while being together in Prague. Rafa is curious to hear more but he definitely isn't concerned. It's blatant ignorance and that only angers Roger more.
“You think they... know?”
“I have no idea, okay! I couldn't very well go up to them and ask them. They were joking about it though... We were anything but subtle apparently. And that's... not good.”
Roger's assessment is hurtful but it isn't exactly wrong. Still Rafa can't help to feel confused. He hadn't expected Roger to show up at his room and he certainly hadn't expected him to be this worked up and frantic about a simple conversation he eavesdropped on. But they enjoyed themselves and so did the rest of the team. Nobody talks about that. They are just being talked about because the hype was all about them. They were the flagships of this whole tournament, the ones in the limelight, their doubles match the most anticipated event of the whole weekend. It's only natural that people talk – even fellow players. They are always talked about in some form or capacity. Right now it's just a little bit more.
Obviously he's the only one seeing it like this. It is why he joked about it in the first place. Saying that Roger has been unable to keep his hands of him had been meant as a joke to defuse the tension. Unfortunately all he has achieved is to make matters worse. He still has a hard time grasping what all the fuss is about. So two of their Laver Cup teammates talked about them and made a stupid joke. It's not like they were appalled or suspicious or thinking about getting the press involved to out them and their relationship in some way. Maybe they have been a little too friendly, a little to animated and a little too enthusiastic around one another but it's not like Roger tried to kiss him right out there sitting down with the rest of the team next to the court or has touched him in any inappropriate places. It was just a spur of the moment thing, driven by the mood and the excitement of the tournament happening around them. It's nothing to worry about. At least not from Rafa's point of view.
“Nothing happened, Roger.”
“How can you say that?! They wouldn't talk about us like that if it was any other tournament.”
But is different, no? Laver Cup? It was not like a tournament. It is... special. Different. So is okay.”
“No, it's not okay... I really think we need to be more careful from now on. It's not like I don't want to see you or anything. It's just... it's better this way. I'm protecting both of us here – our families and our careers.”
Rafa stares at Roger for a long moment and the older man realizes too late that – even though he had good intentions and both their best interests at heart – he has managed to be condescending. He can't eve blame Rafa for his reaction. The Spaniard is 32 years old and Roger has just essentially told him that he needs his levelheadedness, perception and protection in order to safe him from himself. Of course it's no what Roger meant but quite obviously it is what Rafa takes away from his words. He looks disappointed and just a little bit hurt. And then there is a sudden change in his demeanor. His posture tenses, his face closes off, any trace of emotion disappears from his features and suddenly Roger is looking at the version of Rafa usually reserved and restricted for on court only... A mask of determined concentration, not letting his emotions shine through and not letting anyone in on what he is thinking. His voice is just as void of emotion and Roger feels his heart sink. Trying to get Rafa to see reason and simply understand the necessity of the decision is failing miserably.
“You no need to protect me. I can do it myself.“
“Rafa...”
“You just tell me when is fine to talk to you again. Or you text. No need to see me this way. Just text and I know is okay to speak with you again. To be close.”
“Please don't be mad...”
Rafa shakes his head, the smallest of smiles on his lips that never reaches his eyes that are suddenly very dark and still void of any trace of emotion. It's an unconvincing gesture one that is usually reserved for uncomfortable questions in press conferences and Roger hates the display Rafa is putting on, that carefully controlled show of indifference, with every fiber of his being. He doesn't deserve this. He is trying to protect them both and instead of being understanding and grateful, Rafa is feeling patronized and he is punishing him for it.
“I'm not mad. I give you space. You want space, no? You just said.”
“Okay... If this is how you want to be about this, fine! Yes. I want space!”
Roger can't help his own emotional reaction – he snaps. Roger makes a dramatic exit after that, all righteous anger and purposeful movements. He leaves Rafa's hotel room and doesn't refrain from making a bit of a scene by throwing the door closed. They don't talk after that. They don't text. They avoid being in any confined space together if they can. Even a hotel lobby or a locker room is too much of close proximity after their argument. It is supposed to be a break but actually it feels a lot more like a break up. It's a loaded, awful, hard to bear silence between them and of course the can't avoid each other forever.
When they meet in the final Rafa apparently has some sort of injury. But apart from the taping to the knee Roger doesn't know anything about it, because that's how it's going to be between them from now on until one of them manages to get over themselves and seek the other one out for a proper, grown up conversation. For now neither one of the can get past their wounded pride. Rafa doesn't talk to him anymore, doesn't text, doesn't come to see him, doesn't so much as look at him. When it's all done and Roger has won the title, their interaction is subdued and short and very much professional when they meet at the net. Rafa could be anybody else judging from the way they interact – quickly and matter-of-factly and without any lingering or affection to it... It makes the win somehow hollow.
There's a moment during the trophy ceremony – when the tournament organizers ask them to butcher a couple of words of Chinese – when everything is blissfully back to normal again and they look at one another and grin and laugh and feel mutually embarrassed at the stupidity of it all. There even is a brief moment of skin on skin – a simple, innocent moment of hand on shoulder but even that is simply too much at the moment. They realize it at the same moment, the fact that they are overstepping the new boundaries they have set for one another out of habit, out of muscle memory and it takes a conscious effort to retreat. The moment is gone like it never existed – a dream and a memory all in one fading away. The smile fades from Rafa's face as they align to have their picture taken and there is no physical contact between them. Rafa gives him a quick pad on the back, barely even looking at him as he does and then he is gone and Roger is left to celebrate his newest win and trophy – alone. He hasn't felt as miserable as he does in that moment, basking in the flurry of camera flashes, supposedly celebrating his 4th win over Rafa in that year...
Rafa goes to Barcelona for further testing and a doctor's visit to check out the injury and then retires from the tournament in Basel. Roger has no clue what is going on with the Spaniard other than what little he learns from the official press releases. They haven't talked before Rafa left for Spain and they don't talk or text while the younger man is recuperating. They have gone radio silent. They have the distance, the break Roger suggested... It's all as he wants it and it sucks – big time.