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You, Karkat Vantas, cannot sleep. Your mind is still occupied by images of Nepeta and her drawing. You pass the days by occasionally visiting her body. You think it may be creepy, you going to visit her dead body, but you defend the motion by saying it can’t be that bad, can it? You want to speak to Kanaya about it. She’s good with these things. She’d help you either get over it or help you deal with it if you can’t. You’d love to ask her about it now. You could quite easily ask her about it now but she was probably bulge-deep in that Rose human right about now. Terezi seemed to want to help you but she was probably making out with Dave of all people. Plus you doesn’t feel like asking her for help because she was partly the reason you pushed Nepeta away. You’d liked Terezi for a while but had grown further away from her because of the blinding incident and that issue that no one speaks of anymore for fears of her cutting you into little slices or worse; hanging you from her tree.
So it looks like you’ll have to settle with just waiting it off. Hoping the pain and guilt will leave you eventually. But as much as he wants to think it will go away, you know that it will haunt you for as long as your think pan wants to retain the images in shockingly vivid quality.
Is there anyone on this fucking rock that would spare a moment of time to help an emotional Karkat fucking Vantas? He asks himself. No! Of course fucking not!
You let off a frustrated huff. You really should ask for help. The only one who would be any help, without the cackling, is Kanaya. Her understanding of these emotional topics is just overwhelming. But then again, anything is overwhelming against your level of knowledge on this emotional shit.
Which is half the reason why you can’t deal with it yourself, fuck ass!
You hear a sound and turn sharply. It is coming from a nearby vent. And it was an unmistakably familiar “HoNk”. Fucking Gamzee. He’s been creeping around here recently, appearing in seemingly random places at seemingly random times but hey, this is Gamzee. Fucker has no idea what he is doing.
Another honk filters through the vent followed by a shuffling and then a squeak. You dismiss it as a rodent-beast that he just caught for no reason but you stiffen as you remember; there are no rodent-beasts on the meteor. Then what the flailing fuck was that squeak?
Nearing the vent you realise that there is another room on the other side of the vent. You pause for a moment before silently opening the hatch and pulling yourself up into the vent.
The air is warm in here. But a bit stuffy too. And it smells a bit like, sweat, sopor and fur. Fur? Yes fur. The type of fur that… Fuck no. You will not cry here. No way. You stifle a sob with your hand and wipe your now teary eyes.
Keep moving dummy! Gamzee won’t stay in one place for long. You can just check on him, make sure he’s not too murderous at the moment. So Karkat? Why are you still kneeling here? Get the fuck moving fuck face!
Shuffling forward you approach the grate. More sounds can be heard now. Specifically sounds of, oh god, dare you say it? Fuck. Literally. You gulp down your fear as you approach the grate.
“Seriously my motherfucking black mate. There ain’t no motherfucker for rooms around to hear our sweet miracles.”
A mixture of a cackle and a giggle can be heard followed by a delighted honk and somewhat stifled scream.
“Holy sweet motherfucking miracles,” Gamzee exclaimed, “Such miraculous sounds.”
“Shut it you!” Said a higher pitch voice with a half serious, half playful tone to it. A sound like the sound of flesh impacting flesh strikes the air like a whip.
“Motherfucker’s getting feisty!” Gamzee’s practically laughing.
“Gamzee… oh fuck… OW!” the shrill voice says, “I find you guilty of physical abuse and in need of a good punch.” The voice tried so hard to be serious but it kept wavering over being jokey.
“Motherfucking punch me then. Bring it on my hate sis!” A scuffling once more followed by the sound of Gamzee and the other person landing blow after blow against each other. And you know exactly who the other person is now. Fucking Terezi. Fucking Terezi of all people has a hate-ship on Gamzee and, from what you can hear, they are doing a very good job of it. Fighting and groaning, both with frustration and exertion, and slurring those profanities.
You risk looking through the slits in the vent cover and, sure enough, there is Terezi and Gamzee fighting it out for dominance. And shit. Is that what you think it is because if it is then, well, fuck. Yes that puddle on the floor is a pool of genetic fluid. From what you can tell in the dimly lit room, it’s a mixture of both. And by the fucks you are leaving.
After a hard time struggling to turn around in the confined space of the vent, you eventually settle for leaving through them, which of course is a bad idea but you have too. You put on a hard face and step out of the vent.
They both notice you standing there below the vent and look like they were caught doing something naughty, which by all respects isn’t true, but even still.
“Karkat…” Terezi starts but the tears well in your eyes and you shake your head.
“Fuck. Just no Terezi. Just no.” You run.
What feels like sweeps later, you feel a presence near you.
“*Who* the fuck is there?” You grumble though your sobs.
“Karkat,” a soothing voice says, “it is Kanaya.”
“Nice to know. Now fuck off.” You didn’t mean that but it slipped out and now there is no taking it back.
“Karkat. Terezi explained what happened earlier and I would like to help you.” Her voice is showing no signs of annoyance so you give up.
“You want to fucking help? Then you start by helping me get over this fucking guilt I feel every fucking time I look at something that belongs to…” You can’t bring yourself to say her name.
Kanaya sits beside you but does not comfort you. One part of you wants to curl up and cry and cry and cry because it seems like one way to get over it. Another part wants you to lean on Kanaya and have her comfort you because fuck you could do with touching someone who isn’t shaking for some reason or another. The final part tells you to confide in Kanaya. You oblige this part and shun the others in to the recesses of your think pan.
“Nepeta’s dead.” You say. The tears well renewed by the recollection of her final resting place.
“Oh my,” she pauses, “this has had an effect on you in which way may I ask?” She is just curious so you don’t bite her head off.
“I saw her shipping wall. She paired herself with me in flush and when I saw it, everything just clicked into place. Her nervousness around me, blushing and looking away whenever our eyes met, it all makes sense now. But I was too fucking blind to see it for what it was. And I was fucking blind to not see my feelings for her until it was too late.”
You wipe your nose with a sleeve. But before you can reach you wipe your eyes a jade cloth covers them. You were about to swat her away from you but you can’t bring yourself to. Instead you let her dry the area around your swollen red eyes.
She moves away when she finishes and looks you straight in the eyes before smiling softly and returning to leaning against the wall.
“Come with me Karkat,” she tells you, “We can help.”
“Yeah sur-” you start but realise, “Wait, we?”
“Rose and myself.” She says.
“Oh no. I am *not* trusting that Rose human one bit with my emotions.” You are about to go on with your rage but a gentle shoosh pap from Kanaya stops you in your tracks.
“Karkat, you can trust us. Myself and Rose have both been in similar conditions before.” Really?
“Okay, I’ll go.’ You say a bit too begrudgingly and she picks up on it easily.
“A bit less begrudgingly please Karkat. It will only make it harder to help you.” No snappy comeback from you because she is right on so many levels and arguing wouldn’t help anyone at all.
She turns and walks off down the corridor. She’s so smooth. She doesn’t need to turn around to check whether you’re following or not because she just knows you will. Somehow.
You suppress a huff and jog a little to catch up with her. When you do you settle into a pace that matches hers.
For a short while neither of you say anything and this annoys part of you. You’ve rarely spoken to Kanaya about anything that wasn’t in anyway personal and yet that positive, helpful person that had been hidden away in the game is returning and you’re not sure whether that is because of the lack of bitter game or because the Rose human has had a good effect on her. You’re not entirely sure.
“So you like her then, Karkat.” Kanaya’s short question snaps you from your thoughts.
“Yes, I guess I did deep down. I just couldn’t see what I had until it was gone.” You thought this may bring back the tears but it hasn’t. It’s just coincidence; nothing more.
“Well, I can tell you it is hard to get over the death of a loved one.” Her tone doesn’t change but you can almost feel the sadness dripping off her now, “It is not the nicest of feelings nor is it the worst, but it lasts for an unfortunately long time.”
“Wait, Kanaya. You lost a loved one?” You’d never thought of Kanaya in love.
“Yes, I did. It was Vriska. I will admit to having a flush crush on her at one point. But I got over that along with her death.” Fuck. Wow.
Wake up Karkat and smell the flowers! Where have you been for the past two sweeps?
Shut up mind! Trying to think of something to say! Focusing your mind on what she just said. She isn’t looking at anything right now but the floor. Once again the feeling of sadness and regret are present in the air around her. Maybe you should lighten the mood but fuck if you know how and all.
“Did Rose help you get over it?” You ask. You realise after that you didn’t call her ‘human’ as you normally would. Oh well.
She looks up startled and quickly retraces what you asked. “Yes she did. Quite a lot actually. And this is why I am taking you to see her.”
“You talked about her as if you are taking me to like a clinic.” You add jokingly.
“Well in most respects it is. It is both free and the workers are voluntary,” She chuckles slightly before continuing, “I am certain that Rose can help you with the grief. And if you want, it can be like a drop in clinic.”
“Nah, I’m okay with just the one visit if that’s okay.” Maybe that was a bit harsh.
Kanaya face reflects a little emotional hurt and you are quick to apologise. “Fuck. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I wouldn’t mind speaking to you more,” what the fuck are you on about Vantas, “well, I mean, that it is good to know someone else you knows my pain. I wasn’t suggesting…”
“It’s okay Karkat. There is no need to apologise. As for what you were suggesting, I have no idea.”
“Thanks Kanaya.” You didn’t think that she would help you in the first place but here you are thinking that she might be the pale mate that Gamzee isn’t. Why would you abandon Gamzee though? He needs you more and more. What would he say if he found out that you were thinking of replacing him? What would he say? He’d be all apologetic and you’d have to go into a huge speech about why you are leaving him morail-less.
“Karkat?” Kanaya once again snaps you out of your complicated thoughts.
“Yeah?”
“Why do you look so strained? Is there something complicated on your mind?” Can she read your mind? No that was just a very skilled deduction.
“Yeah…” You trail off.
“Karkat, what’s on your mind if you don’t mind me asking.” She is still so up for helping but this may be just curiosity.
“Gamzee. And yes I don’t mind you asking.”
“About what Gamzee has done?”
“No. More about how much of a bad morail I was for not stopping him before it happened. Because if I had, no one would have died; especially not Nepeta.” You growl in frustration and go to hit yourself in the face but a hand catches yours.
“Karkat. Stop.” You just let out another frustrated growl and retry to hit yourself but the hand holds fast. “Karkat. Hurting yourself won’t solve anything. It will just make it hurt more.” You guess she is right. Your arm slackens and hers releases yours and it falls to your side.
“Maybe Karkat, it wasn’t you being a bad morail but him. It seems petty of me to be picking holes in other peoples moirallegiances,” you nod slightly it is rude but you will pardon her, “but if he was a good morail, it wouldn’t be me trying to help you get over your grief it would be him.” You nod in agreement. It is very much the truth. “So perhaps it isn’t all your fault. Maybe it is just his nature, being a purple blood.” You are about to make a retort at judging Gamzee’s behaviour on his blood but, in all fairness, she knows more about the hemeospectrum than you do so you stop yourself.
You take a moment to think over what she said. True, Gamzee should be helping you. True, he is a purple blood. Or maybe it’s not his blood. Maybe it is just him. He never really helped you with much to do with loss. You remember how he tried to help you get over the loss of crab dad all those sweeps ago. He had tried so hard. But that was before the game. The game really dismantled your moirallegiance. Or, more likely, him. There had been a ‘darkness’ in him from the start. And while you were shoosh-papping him, it had been growing and growing and had been released. Now he isn’t the same.
Kanaya suddenly jerks to stop beside you.
“What?” You question.
Completely un-Kanaya like, she growls lower than lasts a few seconds before stopping. “Gamzee.”
Just then, Gamzee walks calmly round the corner. The first thing you notice is that he does not look right. Spaced out and high but not quite with it. This doesn’t bode well with your guts.
“Hey Karbro.” He stops in front of the pair of you and looks to Kanaya. “What’s up sis?”
Despite her dislike of Gamzee her response is polite. “Very well Gamzee. How about yourself?”
“I just need to speak to Karkat here.” He called you Karkat not bro. This is not looking good.
“Okay. I’ll give you two a minute then.” She leaves with a concerned look in your direction but says nothing.
You turn to Gamzee. “What do you want?” You say a bit too harshly.
“Well…” He starts.
“What?” You say again.
“It needs to end.” He says almost dead-pan. Your gut twists.
“What needs to end?”
“Our moirallegiance.” He says.
You gape. What? After everything that fucker has put you through, he’s just going to end it? Just like that?
“Why?” You stutter.
“You’re not happy and neither am I when you’re not. I’ve been a bad morail and you deserve better.” And with that he turns and leaves. He doesn’t look back.
You stand shocked with what just happened. You feel like half of you is gone and won’t come back. That frustratingly friendly clown is gone. So much for bros forever. You break down into incoherent blabbering sobs. Your already crumbling heart crumbles just a little bit more. As you stand with tears running down your cheeks and onto the floor, you feel an arm wrap around your shoulders and begin to lead to somewhere. You lean into the person beside you and cry some more. You walk for what feels like ages and barely notice what is going on until your tear ducts are dry and sore.
You sniff and open your eyes. You are leaning against a black shirt. It’s thin and wet with all your tears. It’s also rising and falling with a breathing rhythm. It’s also somewhat round and soft. Oh fuck…
You move with a start. Wrenching away from the person you now know to be Kanaya. She looks at you with alarm.
“Karkat?” She questions.
You look to her shirt and right where you expected there are two darker patches where it was wet with your tears. You’d just been face planting her rumble spheres. With this thought in your head you suddenly start blushing. You realise you are when Kanaya looks down and sees what has caused it. She raises and eyebrow at you and you face palm. This could not be worse.
“Karkat, are you blushing because you had your face on my chest?” She questions seemingly entertained by this.
“Ugh. Yes I am.” You continue to face palm until you hear her giggle slightly and you look up. There is a small jade blush across the tops of her cheeks but not as big as your stonkingly huge ‘cherry face’ as Terezi used to call it.
“Karkat, is that the first time you have ever been that close to someone?” You think.
“Yes. It was.” She smiles. Not like she is judging you, more like she pities you. “What?” You question sternly.
“Nothing. Just thought it was cute. Your reaction I mean.”
“Oh haha. You know when I was sitting there before you found me, I was questioning who would help me, and I told myself that you wouldn’t help me because you would be bulge deep in Rose.”
This gets a good reaction in the form of a huge jade blush covering her cheeks. “Oh my,” Is all she says and you laugh. It feels good to laugh rather than cry.
You stop and go serious. “Seriously though Kanaya, have you been doing it with the Rose human?” You try to hold a level face with her but she is blushing harder now and you laugh once again. After a few moments of laughing you wipe the tears from your eyes and look at her.
“Yes, as a matter of fact, I have.” She says.
You give her a taste of her own medicine with an eyebrow of your own before leaning in slightly, “Just between you and me, what is she like?” It’s not really like you want to know, you just want to see how she answers it.
“Well you see, humans are not asexual. They have specific boy parts and specific girls parts. Where as we share the organs and either troll can *cough* penetrate the other.” You stare gobsmacked at the answer. She takes your silence as not understanding and continues. “While trolls have both a nook and bulge, humans one or the other depending on their sex. Females have a nook and males have a bulge.” You are still staring. “With myself having both, I can use my bulge to penetrate her noo-”
“Yes, yes. I get it but I don’t need all the fucking details Kanaya.”
“Oh I apologise. I sometimes don’t even notice I’m doing it.”
You smile for the first time in a while. It feels all too pale. Maybe you do feel a little pale towards Kanaya. Maybe.
“Let us go see Rose now. She does not like to be patient sometimes.”
“Yeah, okay.”