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Perhaps it was a twist of fate, on that one cloudy morning. Rain was threatening to pour out of the large sky, but you didn't mind. You continued walking along the sidewalk of the street you lived on your entire life, clutching the straps of your backpack in your hands. The moment the first raindrop touched the tip of your nose, you started to run to your house.
Albeit your house wasn't far away, you seldom found yourself running. You were huffing relentlessly when you finally saw your familiar house that you didn't notice how loud you were. You also didn't notice a random teenage boy next door smirking slightly at your hunched over position. Soon, the rain really started to fall so you rushed into your house. You were greeted with silence, which was incredibly odd. You looked out the window and saw a moving truck in front of the house next door, and you squinted your eyes suspiciously. You grabbed an umbrella and walked outside, and you found your mother helping the new neighbors with their boxes. There you found a nice looking teenage boy, who still had that smirk on his face!
You arched your eyebrow slightly. Walking toward your mother, you smiled weakly and she muttered a rough greeting while trying to lift the box. "I got it." You said, and picked up the heavy object like it was no more than two pounds. That smirking teenage boy crossed his arms and had his eyebrows raised high, surprised by your strength. You set it down next to him and started huffing yet again. Sure, you were strong -- but not in shape.
"Hi." You greeted, reaching your hand out for him to shake. He shook it with a firm shake, but yours was stronger.
"Wow." The boy muttered, and you smiled confidently. "I'm your new neighbor."
"I figured." You sarcastically remarked, smiling lopsidedly.
"I'm Namjoon." He mentioned, and you nodded at the sound of his name and his awkward voice. Puberty wasn't going so well in that department.
"Y/N."
You wish that day had never happened. If you could go back in time, you would. You would merely go straight home and wait for your mother, you would never help that stupid teenage boy named Kim Namjoon. You already felt the tears coming. Perfect.
The picture you held in your hands was dusted and covered in grime. It bent awkwardly, but it didn't look nearly as awkward as Namjoon did back then. You two were in sophomore year of high school, and you went to the state fair. There, you took a picture together. At that time, Namjoon was lanky and awkward, his limbs disproportionate. They had grown faster than the rest of his body, and he had some catching up to do. You almost smiled at the thought of him, but then the overwhelming urge to cry overcame you once again.
You wanted to rip the picture to pieces. You wanted it to delete itself from existence along with any single memory you had of him. You glanced at the photo, you could definitely rip it. You could!
No you couldn't. You leaned back against your bed, sitting on the rough rug. You went looking under your bed for a certain picture of you and your mother, but you had completely forgotten about your secret stash of Namjoon pictures down there. You stared with glossy eyes at the picture again, seeing the genuine smile plastered across your face. You chuckled sourly.
The feeling in your heart was heavy. Whenever his cute dimpled face flashed in your mind, your heart dragged your body down. There was a vacancy, a spot once filled with him. But he's gone now, and so is that spot. Now, it's just left vacant. You can't tell where that spot is. You just feel the emptiness greet you the moment you wake up, and then you think oh yeah, he's dead.
It's a casual passing thought. Little things remind you of him, like dimples on strangers or boys with long legs. There is no escaping the impending truth that the love of your life is in fact not alive.
It hurt so fucking much. It was like being punched in the stomach and having the wind permanently taken out of you. You couldn't imagine life without him, but here you are. You look back down at the picture and finally start bawling. Your head is being held by your hands, the messy tears staining your fingers. You sobbed for the umpteenth time over him, and it sure as hell wouldn't be the last time you did so.
Without thinking, you ripped the picture into shreds. The smiling faces on it were now in pieces, all over your white rug. "Fuck." You swore, your hands trembling and pushing your hair back. "Fuck." You said again, the reality of what you just did sinking in.
You just wanted to fall back into his arms and let him tell you that it was all a nightmare, just a horrendous fucking nightmare. Yet, the bite of reality was too sharp for you to ignore, its teeth sinking into your flesh and mind constantly reminding you that you were alive, and Kim Namjoon wasn't.
"Fucking hell, Joonie." You sobbed, calling him by a nickname you often used. When was the last time you said it? Namjoon wasn't exactly a common name, and Namjoon wasn't exactly around anymore. How long had it been since you have said his name?
"Namjoon." You stated, feeling more empty than before. "You promised me we'd stay together until we're both old and wrinkly. What the hell happened, Joonie?" You forlornly questioned, the volume in your tone raising gradually.
You looked at the ripped paper that was scattered all over the floor, and you internally cursed yourself for that. You had ruined something that had meant a lot to you, but so much more to him. That day was the day you realized you were in love with him, and there it was -- destroyed. You remember the way he said your name. You remember his deep voice in a sing-song tone whenever your name was uttered.
Your name was suddenly no longer yours anymore. It became his, but then he ran away with it and never gave it back. He would never say your name ever again, and you hated it. You hated the way you felt about that stupid boy who was actually incredibly intelligent, and you hated how the supposed intelligent boy died in the most stupidest of ways.
A drug overdose.
You had known about his issues, but he went to rehab. No relapse was in sight! So where the fuck did it go all wrong? That's all you wanted to know. Forever, his words rang in your ears like an echo into the empty night sky.
"Forever," You whispered, a bitter smirk etched onto your lips.
-
The gray tombstone with his name on it still shocked you. Kim Namjoon. It was right there, in bold letters. You sat down next to the stone with a beer in your hand. You had brought one for him, of course. "Oh Joonie," You smiled, hugging the beer bottle tightly between your cold lanky fingers. He left you, like an unfinished story. It just stopped, without any sense of closure.
You grinned.
You know it was up to you to either end the story or leave it unfinished. Your hazy eyes coated with a certain haze blinked twice. You managed your way up and off the dirty ground, beer bottle still in hand. "Keep it." You said, motioning toward the unopened bottle next to the tombstone. You sighed, the ending dawning on you. Was this really how it was going to go?
You gritted your teeth, but you shook your head and swallowed. "It was a good book, Joonie. But," You began, "it's time to end it. This is the final chapter."
Your voice shook slightly. You wanted some familiar sweet voice to call out to you and forbid you from going, but there was no way a dead man could speak. You turned around, taking long quick strides away from him and to the world without Kim Namjoon. "The end." You whispered into the cold air, despite feeling a sense of warmth. And in the crisp autumn leaves, the final words were spoken.
And then Namjoon was soon just a memory, a very nice one at that. Your memory of him would last forever, but he wouldn't.