Archive of Our Own

~

The end of Taehyung’s life as he lives and knows it begins with the flash of gold and purple on the slender body in the middle of the dance floor.

Slow motion is a film technique he finds stupid in movies, but that’s how he feels right now. The music fades away, the faces around him blur and he ceases to feel the hot lips of the man sucking a hickey into his neck as he watches the new guy. His eyes hurt but Taehyung can’t blink and miss the vision that’s visited his favourite club.

New guy’s face isn’t visible in the erratic lighting, but Taehyung knows, just from seeing his body, that he’s pretty. He sees the flash of dark hair, sees the leather pants stick to him like a second skin. Taehyung licks his lips as he sees the legs, his eyes travelling upwards to meet slender but muscled arms in a silver tank top.

The man has managed to gather quite a crowd around him. The screams of the spectators are loud as he does a full spin on his feet, before somehow making his body look like it has no bones. Something about that spurs a kernel of warmth in Taehyung, though he doesn’t know what to call it.

Yet.

Taehyung loves people. Taehyung loves people who attract attention. Most of all, Taehyung loves people that thrive on that said attention.

He can see the new guy enjoying being the centre of it. Another flash of light and he sees a white grin on golden skin. The warmth gets hotter, and Taehyung does not think as he pushes the date for the night off him. He was OK, but he was a mere distraction.

Taehyung straightens his shirt and walks, ignoring the angry and confused squawks of whoever he ditched. He is drawn to the centre like a moth to a flame or a bee to a flower. He barely registers the hungry hands that grab at him, begging for his attention, barely hears the calls of his mutual friends. It’s just Taehyung and the dancer. Nobody else.

Taehyung almost reaches the edge of the ring when the light stabilises a moment, creating a false spotlight on the guy. And he suddenly can’t breathe.

The light stays for only a few seconds, but it’s enough. It’s enough to hook Taehyung in, it’s enough to make him stay.

It’s enough to make Taehyung want.

Golden skin framed by black locks, the sweat rolling prettily down the neck, eye closed and mouth slacked open, showing teeth so bright Taehyung is convinced a sun god has arrived in their midst. The man seems to be lost in his world, though also enjoying the loud screams of the spectators, basking in it. And all Taehyung wants is to take him aside, to run his hands down the slender frame and to feel the heat beneath, to maybe run his tongue over the sweat and taste the salt that’s sure to be on his skin.

The intensity of his thoughts surprises Taehyung. He’s never felt this way, not so soon and not so strong. He wants to blame all the alcohol he had ingested earlier, but that would be a lie. Taehyung doesn’t need alcohol to know who he likes; he has his pick of the field. Perhaps the dancer’s aura intimidates him, makes him hesitate. And what makes Taehyung hesitate, he wants more than anything.

He decides to approach the guy when he sees two other people join him, cheering loudly and clapping his back. The crowd is dissipating, but Taehyung keeps looking. The guy opens his eyes, and his gaze meets Taehyung.

Taehyung can see that he is a little taken aback. After all, none of the other spectators are watching him anymore, all having gone back to their tasks and social circles. Taehyung is the only one left standing, and he feels himself begin to smile. Fighting it, he makes his way towards the circle.

“Good evening,” Taehyung begins, holding his hand out to the dancer. The guy looks down on it before a smile comes up, and he feels warm hands wrap around his own. Is it possible to feel heady already from just a grip, from only warmth? Perhaps Taehyung is keener than he’s ever been.

“Hi yourself,” the man speaks. His voice isn’t anything special, but it seems to make its way into Taehyung’s brain, making itself at home. The man shakes a hand through his hair, his face glowing even more with the exposed forehead.

Pretty. Eyes marked by years of smiling, a heart-shaped mouth, and a slender neck.

“Your dance blew me away, man,” Taehyung says. “I frequent this club a lot, and I haven’t seen anyone like you grace this place. I hope I haven’t overstepped in any way, approaching you so randomly.” The man’s grin becomes only wider, an incredibly pleased look in his eyes, his face smug. Taehyung immediately pegs him as someone who loves praise, loves performing, and the aftershocks he leaves on his viewers. What an easy prey, though Taehyung wants to be decent a little while longer.

“No, not at all. My friends dragged me here; I had no idea this place existed.”

Taehyung hums. Said friends are busy talking amongst themselves. They’re pretty and also distinctive from the usual crowd that flaunts this place of sin, and stand out sorely.

“Well, in that case, perhaps I could buy you a drink?” Taehyung offers as he looks back at dancer guy. The dancer guy becomes wary but his gaze interested. Taehyung rushes to strike down his worries. “Don’t worry, I really do want to show my appreciation for the talent. It’s alright if you don’t want to.”

Some of that wariness disappears, and the man is licking and biting his lips. Taehyung doesn’t really need that image but life is unfair and so, he has now seen something sinful. “Sure, why the heck not.” The man shrugs. “My name’s Hoseok, by the way.”

Keeping up the pretense of a bashful, simpering guy is hard but Taehyung has always been a good actor, has always shown people what they want to see. So he giggles, showing how apologetic he is that he never bothered to introduce himself or learn the other’s name.

“I’m sorry, I guess I was so lost in your dance I forgot to introduce myself. I’m Taehyung.”

It shouldn’t be possible for someone to smile so brightly but Hoseok does. Taehyung wants to know how much of it is real, that smile, wants to know what his face is like when the lips aren’t curled up or the teeth don’t show. Wants to know Hoseok’s face without the mask, his performance, when alcohol swims in his veins or an orgasm hits him just right.

Taehyung hasn’t ever trusted people who seem so happy, because most often than not, they’re sad. They’re miserable and they have secrets no one knows. Maybe that’s why Taehyung likes to hunt such people, bring them right to the edge, and see how they’d fall and break.

Hoseok is Taehyung’s prey for tonight.

Maybe that’s how it starts, the dance between them and the way Hoseok becomes sewn into his very being, his presence somehow swimming with the blood in his veins. That’s how the beginning of the end comes to be.

✵

One drink becomes two becomes thrice too many.

Alcohol is like a magic concoction to Taehyung, the greatest thing humans created, in his opinion. He loves the heady rush it gives him, the way everything seems fiery and possible and within his reach, the way all that he sets his eyes on are unclouded by the judgment that society demands. He loves that adrenaline and affection soars through him and that he can sing to his heart’s content.

He loves that he can touch Hoseok right now, watch the man’s interested gaze turn more heated, and know that he has him right in the palm of his hand.

If Hoseok dancing solo was a gift, Hoseok behind him with hands on his hips is a dream. Taehyung loves that alcohol makes Hoseok freer, his intentions clear. Taehyung can already feel liquid desire coursing through him, can imagine how his legs would shake around Hoseok or how his back would arch prettily just for him. The very thought makes fire explode inside and he gives Hoseok a little demo, a reminder that tonight, he belongs to Taehyung.

His back is against Hoseok’s chest; the music sensual yet electrifying. Another point to add: alcohol makes him lose control of his body, and he uses that to lean heavily into Hoseok. He knows how affected Hoseok is if the tightening of his hand on Taehyung’s waist is any indication.

What a pretty, easy yet thrilling prey. Taehyung grinds slowly, and he registers a gasp in his ear. He turns around and gives Hoseok a lazy grin when he sees the playful glare the man is giving him, lips seemingly bitten- perhaps to restrain himself. This won’t do, he thinks, pursing his lips. He needs more. He needs more than these playful games in the middle of the club, needs more than the floating feeling of alcohol. He wants Hoseok on top of him and he wants filthy things whispered in his ears, he wants to feel Hoseok’s lips in places lips don’t belong. This won’t do at all.

He brings Hoseok close, lips almost kissing his ears. He feels Hoseok shiver a little from this contact. “Let’s go somewhere.”

Hoseok pulls back. At least he doesn’t seem to not want it. Taehyung wonders if Hoseok’s thought about him like that, pinned beneath him and moaning his name, bringing each other to the edge and seeing stars behind their eyes. Imagining Hoseok’s thoughts makes him want more.

“Where do you want to go?” Hoseok asks, his grip tight in Taehyung’s as if his life depends on this.

“I know a place.”

“And what will we do there?”

Taehyung pouts, and then comes closer, nipping at Hoseok’s lips. “I will be under you, and you’re going to show me if you can dance as well on a bed as you do on the floor. I want another performance from you, Hoseok.” He whispers against the lips. The volume is perhaps too loud but Hoseok gets it, his eyes become lidded with desire as he nods.

“Let me tell the other two. Is there somewhere we could meet?”

Taehyung doesn’t want to let go, doesn’t want Hoseok out of his sight, but he understands how friends worry and concedes. He gives him the name of a nearby love motel and then leaves.

Out of the club, he realises there is no way to contact Hoseok, to know if he’ll hold true to his word and promise the night of desire and destruction that Taehyung wants. Something about the possibility of that happening disappoints him, makes something hurt inside his chest. But Taehyung is used to it. He’s used to being used and discarded, used to being forgotten. He can’t control his need to be close to people or seek them out, just like a scorpion can’t control its nature to stop stinging everyone.

He lights a cigarette and walks over to the motel, the smoke filling his lungs. The air is cool but balmy, and the number of people at this time of the night is less. Taehyung feels the first traces of loneliness and panic hit his alcohol-ridden mind and hates himself for not taking Hoseok’s number. Maybe he is OK with being used and forgotten, but he should be used first in order to feel OK.

He reaches the motel and his fears dissipate as he sees Hoseok standing at the reception, probably booking a room. He’s wearing a faux leather jacket over his tank, though how he bears that in the balminess is a mystery. The fear is replaced by the want of earlier, and when Hoseok turns around and sees him, Taehyung grins.

They barely make it to their room in a civilized manner, having begun right there inside the elevator. If Hoseok was warm, the inside of his mouth is burning hot as Taehyung licks inside, tasting the sugary remains of the cocktails he’d ordered. Taehyung doesn’t know what he himself tastes like; maybe like whiskey, maybe like the smoke, he inhaled earlier.

It is a feat that they don’t crash into anyone on their way, don’t meet and scar someone’s vision with their acts of public indecency. Taehyung doesn’t mind, however. He’s thrilled by the idea that someone could watch him in the throes of passion. He doesn’t know about Hoseok though, and he isn’t one to force his kinks on someone else. So he prays, occupied as he is, that the way is empty.

They don’t have time to look at the room, desperately trying to remove the barrier of clothes between them. Taehyung can’t explain where such desperation comes from or why Hoseok seems just as desperate to reciprocate. Taehyung isn’t an easy person to handle but Hoseok manages. He finds himself thrown almost roughly on the bed, feels the weight of Hoseok press him into the mattress as lips ravage his neck. Feels the almost singeing heat of the brace traces of Hoseok’s fingers on his neck, his chest, trailing down.

The performance that he imagined from Hoseok, that he invited himself to, is nothing short of mind-blowing as Hoseok does a dance that enthralls him. The room is filled with the slapping heat between them and their combined gasps, and when Hoseok finally enters him, Taehyung almost keens, moans spilling out of his mouth. He opens his eyes briefly to see Hoseok’s face, and it’s nothing short of beautiful. That smile is gone but Hoseok like this, eyes closed, face relaxed and mouth open as his own sounds spill, is what Taehyung wanted. It is captivating, and Taehyung thinks he could look at this sight forever. He rests a hand against Hoseok’s face, coaxing them both through their climaxes, feels the white heat behind his own eyes grow and make him lose touch with who and where he is for a couple of seconds.

He comes back down to Earth when he feels Hoseok slump down upon him, utterly spent, their skin sticking to each other with sweat and the pool of their come. Taehyung needs a couple more seconds to breathe because what the fuck.

What the actual fuck just happened?

Hoseok rolls off him, getting up. In the dim moonlight illuminating the plain motel room, Hoseok’s naked body is even more enticing, slender but well-corded muscles. Taehyung can see the marks of his nails on his back and feels satisfaction at knowing he marked this perfection with his imperfection.

Hoseok stands up and rolls his neck, and Taehyung feels that old fear grab him. He’s not quite ready to have him leave, even though leaving is all that his lovers do. It’s a bitter feeling he can’t get used to, yet can’t give up. He’s learned to live with it, but it’s different with Hoseok, he thinks, as if Hoseok is the sun that’s made a mark on him in some visceral way.

But Hoseok only goes to the washroom and comes back out with a washcloth. He cleans himself up first, before climbing onto the bed and beginning to clean Taehyung as well.

He’s incredibly gentle with it as if Taehyung is someone significant in his life and not a random stranger he picked up in the club on a whim. He’s gentle when cleaning his chest, his stomach, when he reaches the inside of his thighs and makes sure that he doesn’t move Taehyung too much.

Taehyung feels heaviness gathering in the void of his heart, feels tears behind his eyes. The others, they’ve always left, thanking him as the only form of aftercare. Like he’s nothing more than a prostitute, only there wasn’t the presence of cash in their relations. This, though, is something that wounds up tightly inside him.

Taehyung wonders if somehow this is worse, now that it’s happened. Now that he knows such lovers exist, decent human beings who treat him like a human and not just a good fuck. Hoseok drops the washcloth and sinks down next to him, his eyes open, though getting heavier by the second. Taehyung feels the same, feels the combined power of the alcohol and the sex having a dance of their own, soon leaving through the pores of his body.

It’s somewhere in the middle of just looking at Hoseok like this that Taehyung realises. Realises that Hoseok is…staying. Staying and looking at him, fingers playing a stray strand of Taehyung’s blonde hair. Taehyung watches Hoseok blink, his eyelashes creating a pretty fringe around his eyes. Watches his face and sees the sweat dry, sees the tiny mole at the top right of his lip, sees a small dimple beginning to form.

It’s somewhere in the middle of this that Taehyung knows he’s beginning to make a mistake.

Don’t, Taehyung. Don’t. You’ll hurt and you’ll break; how much more can you take?

It’s useless. The thing with Taehyung is that he’s broken and discarded and nothing, and he still likes to hurt, still likes to feel and put himself in situations where the things he wants are unattainable. He’s long since given up respecting himself, because what use is it? It doesn’t fill the constant void in his heart or his entire being, it only makes it worse.

So Taehyung takes the plunge and falls.

I’m sorry that I fell in love tonight.

He wishes he could tell Hoseok. Tell him that for the first time in his life, he’s understood what it feels like to be regarded as a human, even if he’ll leave. Wants to tell him that maybe love is strong and that maybe it’s an infatuation, like a child attaching itself to the first adult who cares.

He can’t, because Hoseok won’t understand how broken Taehyung is, how he craves the barbs of life to hook into his skin and sometimes rip him open a new wound, how he seeks lovers left, right and center, of all kinds, to make him feel whole again. Taehyung is utterly disgusting, has done many immoral things in life, and he can tell that sinful as Hoseok was on the stage or in the bed, that he is pure and good.

So he retreats back into his shell and sighs. Thinks of something to say, but Hoseok beats him first.

“Did I live up to your expectations, Taehyung?”

In the relative quiet of the room, his voice is like sun-warmed honey, slow and syrupy. Taehyung sees that his words and sentences end up in a slight smile as if it’s etched into the muscle memory of his skin. Taehyung is curious as to what Hoseok looks like when he’s angry or sad, frustrated or scared.

He wants to know Hoseok and he hates himself for falling for his own traps so easily.

“You and I both know you did,” he whispers back. As if controlled by some demon, he experiments and scoots closer, presses a kiss to those soft, warm lips. Hoseok is surprised but he kisses back, though nothing as intense as their elevator one. He proceeds to give little pecks around Taehyung’s mouth, always pulling back to make sure Taehyung is fine with it.

It’s too much for him. Tomorrow morning, Hoseok will leave and go back to where he came from, and Taehyung will remain here, a little far away from everything, fucking his life away. So Taehyung moves away, pretending to stretch.

“Hand me a cig, will you?” He says. Hoseok nods, reaching over for his pack, taking one out. Taehyung tries not to let the way his slender fingers hold the cigarette get to him. It’s as if everything Hoseok does is to make sure that Taehyung will suffer.

Hoseok holds the cigarette for him to inhale, and there’s something insanely hot about it, as he maintains eye contact and sucks in. The nicotine relaxes him, makes him settle into his bones, but the way Hoseok looks at him wakes Taehyung up.

He blows out the smoke and Hoseok is right there, mouth open and inhaling it in. In the dimness of the room, the burning red of the cigarette stands out between them, casting an eerie, reddish tinge to Hoseok’s golden skin. Hoseok’s pupils are blown wide, and Taehyung has no doubt his own mirror that.

Hoseok inhales next and blows it away, giving it to Taehyung. Taehyung closes his eyes as he inhales when he feels hot lips press against his shoulders, his arms. As if Hoseok can’t get enough of Taehyung. When Hoseok reaches up to kiss him, tongue seeking entrance, Taehyung can taste the smoke and the heat. He blindly searches for the ashtray and stubs the cigarette out, before he finds himself wrapping a leg around Hoseok. He feels himself grow hard again, can feel Hoseok’s own drag against his thigh, and the want rises up again like an undefeated dragon.

Maybe Taehyung can’t get enough of Hoseok, as well.

He finds himself on top of Hoseok, skin beginning to grow slick again. Taehyung wonders if he should nub this problem, this infatuation, in the bud before it takes him over.

But like an addict seeing a bottle of whiskey after a dry spell, Taehyung gives in. Again and again.

He breaks the kiss and his lips begin to follow the downward path, thriving on the gasps Hoseok makes as they meet the sensitive spots of his body. When his lips reach the stomach, he feels Hoseok tense up. Taehyung looks up with a grin, almost laughing at how strained Hoseok’s face looks, lips bitten red. Another one of his many faces.

Taehyung likes to sign away his life, but he likes to play around with his owners, too.

“Did you wonder if I’d suck you off well when I inhaled the smoke?” Taehyung whispers against the skin, lightly scratching the happy trail. “Did you see my lips on the stick and thought of them on you?”

The moan that spills out of Hoseok is enough to make Taehyung give up his game and just get to it. He doesn’t think he’ll ever tire of those sounds, that utter loss of control that Taehyung guessed is what made the dance so powerful and captivating. No, out here, with the only audience being Taehyung, Hoseok is putty and gives in to his primal urges.

The sounds spur him on as he takes him in and sucks, occasionally looking up bashfully to look at Hoseok, who seems close to screaming, his hands in his hair and back arching against the white sheets. Taehyung himself feels like he’s watching something like a well-directed movie play out in front of him, watching the moon write across Hoseok’s skin as he writhes, and moan after moan consisting of Taehyung’s name spill out like water leaking out a dam.

For the second time that night, he brings Hoseok to the edge, his own hardness left to plain rutting into the sheets, his only focus to break Hoseok as many times as he can. As if wants to imprint himself into Hoseok’s memory, as if he wants to punish Hoseok for being yet another lover who will leave in the morning.

How he hurts himself and loves it. How he hopes he’s all his lovers’ best memory and best fuck and that no one would be as good he is, no one would bring them down to their knees and back up as he does.

How he hurts himself but hopes it isn’t in vain.

Taehyung lets go and wipes his mouth, while Hoseok lies down boneless on the bed, chest heaving heavily. Taehyung is still itching for the friction of his own but this is better. Hoseok turns and looks at him, still heaving, hair stuck to his forehead.

“Jesus Christ, Tae, what the fuck was that?” He wheezes out.

Taehyung shrugs, fighting to keep the smile off his face, not because of his prowess, because that is a given, but that Hoseok called him Tae. Only his best friends call him that, or rather, only they’re allowed to. But on Hoseok it sounds natural.

Or maybe Taehyung is a biased fool who has difficulty maintaining his own boundaries.

Hoseok’s fucked out expression changes into a frown, and Taehyung counts another face. “What happened?” Taehyung asks. It’s such a strange expression on Hoseok, ever upturned lips now downwards, a crease on his smooth forehead.

“Didn’t you come?” Hoseok sounds so distressed and this is unfair. This is so unfair. Hoseok cares way too much than he’s used to. Taehyung shrugs.

“It’s okay. It’ll go away.”

Hoseok meets his eyes, inching closer. “Do you want it to?”

Does he? Not really. But Taehyung is a dirty little slut according to not just everyone he’s slept with but himself too, he sees it in the mirror every morning or the bathroom tiles when fucked in the shower, and he will always want.

But Hoseok doesn’t make it seem like that, he makes it sound like it is completely fucking normal for Taehyung to want things done to him and still…still be okay. Still be good.

Taehyung shakes his head, though he’s hesitant about it. Hoseok beams (what the fuck) and then Taehyung moans as Hoseok pushes a hand down the sheets and he feels the tight heat wrap around him, his neglected self finally having received the touch it craved.

He loses himself again, giving into whatever possesses him during sex, letting it control the way his hips roll forward or the way he crashes his lips to Hoseok’s, although he wouldn’t call it kissing. Hoseok’s name spills out fervently as he gets close, choosing to suppress his cry into Hoseok’s shoulder as he comes with a burst he probably couldn’t have a warning to himself.

They’re both breathing hard when he opens his eyes. They stray to the clock on the mantle. It hadn’t even been two hours since the club.

He watches Hoseok take his hand out and then lick it, maintaining eye contact the whole while, sucking on his slender fingers.

Taehyung was so wrong. Hoseok wasn’t the prey. He was the apex predator who took people by surprise, played a sleepy game of tag before really going for it and snapping the poor victim by their jugular.

Hoseok and Taehyung would both break each other tonight, and he was completely okay with it.

It was going to be a long night.

✵

Somewhere in the middle of all the fucking and smoking and getting high, things changed.

It went from kisses and drinking to Taehyung laughing himself hoarse on the bed, watching Hoseok dance around the room wearing only tube socks, to smoking until the room looked hazy and his vision blurred around the edges, and back to hot kisses. And then it descended into silence and- and talking.

Taehyung didn’t like talking. Or rather, he didn’t like talking about himself. His life was nothing to talk about; he was just another pretty, sad boy with a sad childhood and an even sadder life, fucking away all his emotions. He drowned his loneliness in strangers’ lips and bodies, and his thoughts in whiskey. His lungs were probably swimming with nicotine at this point.

No, he really didn’t like talking about himself.

But Hoseok. Hoseok wanted to, wanted to know Taehyung. He cared enough to, but maybe Hoseok had forgotten that he would leave.

Taehyung certainly did enough times.

Hoseok became loose-lipped with alcohol, speaking and singing, his speech slurred, his voice loud and kisses sloppy. His face didn’t smile that much, and though it should have felt like a triumph to know that Hoseok was miserable under all that joy, the reason why became a new barb in Taehyung’s life.

“Have you always liked men, Taehyung?” Hoseok asks into the silence of the night. Somewhere in the middle of it all the ceiling fan is on, and its lazy rotation muddles with Taehyung’s thoughts.

“I like anyone. Sex for me doesn’t need a label.” Taehyung replies. It’s true, though. Sure, people have called him a slut for it, for his ability to sleep with anyone he likes, whether they be male, female or queer. Taehyung isn’t choosy; he just needs to be filled and whole.

The problem here is that his mind slips into these scenarios where he’s with Hoseok and he’s finally happy. It doesn’t help how Hoseok gives soft kisses or how he giggles, or how he is so earnest about the music he chooses to listen to right now. It’s like some pseudo domestic dream and he hates it, hates how quickly he fell into that quicksand of want for something else.

“You’re lucky.” Hoseok slurs a little. Taehyung frowns. He’s not, he’s never been. Taehyung thinks it’s a curse to fall in love as easily as he does, to be attracted to anything with two walking legs because he has always appreciated the human form. He’s been used and abused, has been approached solely for wild sex in the bathrooms and he’s given in because he’s worthless.

How is that lucky?

“How?”

“Well. I wish I could be who I wanted to be without…being so scared.” Hoseok is just staring at the wall opposite them, unblinking. It’s a strange face.

Taehyung feels strange, because Hoseok, is he implying something else-

Taehyung feels something ugly rear and then cower down in his chest, at the thought he might have been an experiment for Hoseok or a mistake, and it’s okay, he’s been the hidden one before but this is Hoseok.

“What do you mean, Hoseok?”

Please don’t let this be an experiment, please let this be a magical night for me, please-

“I- I think I’m…bi. Yeah. Bisexual.”

Taehyung feels his heart stop a little.

“You…you think?”

Hoseok seems to have caught on to the tremor in his voice because he raises himself up to look at him.

“No, no…I know. But I haven’t been able to come out to. Well. People that matter.”

“Was I your first?” Taehyung asks quietly. Hoseok seems to understand what Taehyung is implying and violently shakes his head.

“No! No, I’ve slept with guys before, don’t worry, but it’s just that. I haven’t told anyone that I do.”

“Not even those friends of yours? You guys looked like besties.”

“They are, but I’m just.” Hoseok shrugs helplessly and slumps back down. “I’m scared. My parents aren’t exactly…the most open-minded if you get my drift.”

Taehyung tries. Tries to understand a world where a person would live in secret like that. Sure, living the way he does hasn’t been the easiest but a part of him had always owned up the fact that he liked people. That yeah, they could call him a slut but he wasn’t hiding it.

Although if he had been living with his parents, which he doesn’t anymore, he’d probably get Hoseok’s drift.

Mostly, though, he’s feeling a deep sense of relief that he wasn’t an experiment. If he thinks about it, it couldn’t have been one. Hoseok maneuvered too expertly to be an experimenting gay dude. And that was enough.

“Yeah. That…that must suck.” Taehyung replies. What else can he say? Stay here with me? No, Hoseok was something back in the city, a school teacher, did he say? He was doing normal shit like a daily job and teaching dance part-time, having friends to get drunk with and go on short weekend trips. And Taehyung? He is a drifter. He went from district to district and place to place, getting to know the gritty nature of Seoul and its people. He has few people in his life that he barely contacts, he knows they are upset with him, but they are good people with goals and ambitions. What if he were to infect or influence them, or even worse, receive their pity?

Logically, he knows it won’t happen. They’ve been in his life and they know all that they have to, and they’ve stayed, too. But logic never really works when you need it most, does it? No, then the little snakes in his brain start hissing about his worth and value, about how pathetic he is, and ninety percent of the time, he agrees with them.

Hoseok sighs and it sounds so miserable, that Taehyung craves that smile back. He was a fool to want to unearth it when this makes him hurt. Is it because he likes Hoseok so much? It can’t be love, love doesn’t happen that fast. But Hoseok is the first in a long time that has touched him beyond his skin, carved himself into Taehyung’s bones and settled within his lungs.

He wants Hoseok’s happiness. There’s too much misery present already in this world, he’s too miserable in his head and Hoseok should be happy.

“What about you? Do your parents know?” Hoseok asks after some time. Taehyung feels his gaze but doesn’t meet his eyes. Instead, he scratches some invisible mark on his stomach.

“I haven’t seen them in many years,” Taehyung says. To be exact, Taehyung hasn’t seen them since he was fifteen when he ran away from home. It’s been a good eight years and he doesn’t even know if they’re fine or not, and he doesn’t really care. After his grandmother died, he saw little reason to live there. It’s not that they were bad, but they weren’t always there, and when they finally began settling, he didn’t even know them beyond their names.

He’s been on his own and he’s seen his share of the real world and the fake, managed to get by on games and manipulation and a little desperation, and he’s fine- on the outside. He’s done so many things that he doesn’t have moral boundaries anymore.

Survive. That’s what he told himself, every day.

Survival comes at a cost, however. Taehyung doesn’t think he’s human anymore, and so he needs other people to make him feel that way. But no one ever really does, beyond the tracing of his human form or moaning his name (or really, sometimes the names of the people they really want).

Hoseok frowns more, though he doesn’t look like he’s judging him. “Why?”

Taehyung shrugs. “I ran away from home. I felt like I didn’t know them and it killed me to live like that, so.” He doesn’t tell how his grandmother had been the only light of his life, had made him feel the warmth like nothing else, and that when she’d died, the little flower she’d grown in him with her love had rotten and fallen away.

He doesn’t tell Hoseok that he’s begun to feel that warmth with him. He can probably name that warmth from the club now, for real, but he won’t. He can’t.

He can’t let Hoseok be the one to complete him.

It isn’t only that he would leave, it’s also that he’s known Hoseok for a grand total of some five to six hours, the dawn is waking up behind the dull curtains of the motel window, and all he knows are bare, ordinary details about Hoseok save the one about his identity. No, it’s so fast. Hoseok probably doesn’t even feel the way Taehyung does, isn’t fucked in his head to fall for someone so fast. Maybe that’s why he told Taehyung about himself because he won’t meet him again, won’t run into him and no one Hoseok knows will know his secret.

If he pursues Hoseok, he might let him grow another flower inside him, that kernel buried in his chest. He knows he will. And Hoseok won’t get it, would do it and then rip it again, stay and watch the petals shed one by one until it’s a broken stem.

No, he can’t let Hoseok complete him.

Hoseok, however, looks sad, and comes closer, stroking his hair in a way that makes Taehyung sink down lower into the sheets, into that warm chest and close his eyes. “I’m sorry you had to feel that way so young, Taehyung,” he whispers. The strokes get lighter, slightly tickling his scalp and the sleep is so close to him. All the sex and the alcohol and the smoke swirl inside him, helping him to a land of dreamlessness.

“Hoseok, I’m sorry you have to hide, too,” he mutters sleepily. He doesn’t see Hoseok’s reaction, though he can imagine, imagine a mix of relief and helplessness that Taehyung hasn’t run away.

As if his disgusting, attached self could leave anyone good behind.

He hears Hoseok clear his throat, the strokes getting smoother and longer on his hair. “Taehyung, I-”

He hears the loud chime of a received text. Hears the shuffling, feels the stroking stop. He’s too deep into sleep to protest or ask for that comfort back.

He thinks he hears something like Taehyung, I’m sorry, but maybe it’s a dream, even though there’s nothing behind his eyes.

He understands the reality of it, though, when he wakes up in the morning to an empty bed, ruffled sheets, and his naked body marked with Hoseok’s apologies.

I’m sorry, too.

~

~

The guilt and self-hatred threaten to engulf him as he drives, entering Seoul.

Perhaps it’s thanks to the muscle memory of driving for years and the chatter of his friends that Hoseok doesn’t manage to go off road and kill all of them, he’s that occupied with his thoughts.

He recalls what happened barely a few hours ago, recalls the text he received that brought him back to the reality of his shitty life and what he’d done in his alcohol and weed-induced haze.

Heeyeon <3: [6:00 AM]

Hoseok-ah?

Hoseok, are you there?

I want to talk to you, baby.

I’m really sorry. It’s been so long, won’t you forgive me?

I didn’t mean to say that. Please call me or see me so we can clear this up.

Love you <3

Hoseok almost closes his eyes as the words bring in another wave of guilt. He wants to squeeze his eyes shut and pretend like the last forty-eight hours never happened, that everything was fine.

But how can he forget something that seems to have wormed its way into his brain and made a comfortable home, stabbing him with a mix of confusion and happiness that then leads to more guilt?

He doesn’t know what to call his time with Taehyung. He doesn’t know yet where Heeyeon and he stand. He doesn’t know whether what he did was right or wrong, or what to name the vast expanse of confusion embroiled in his mind.

As Hoseok reaches and parks the car into his apartment, he sees the bright red car that belongs to Heeyeon. He swallows, suddenly nervous that he’d find her walking around nearby or in the lobby. Might see how tired Hoseok looks, or worse, smell the weed on him. He left the dingy motel (a twinge of guilt here) without doing anything, hastily calling his friends from their own hotel to leave as fast as they can.

Namjoon and Seokjin had been confused but had conceded. Hoseok didn’t have a lot of moments where he was anxious so openly, and for the millionth time in his life, he was glad for friends like them.

He doesn’t want to see Heeyeon like this, or maybe ever. He still loves her (does he?) but he looks and feels like utter shit. If he looks at Heeyeon and her beautiful face, her expressive eyes and all that trust she always bestows him with, Hoseok is going to throw up.

Yeah, what he did was wrong.

Some might argue. Some might say that Heeyeon and he were broken up for the past three weeks, hadn’t called or seen each other, as if the past two years of their relationship hadn’t happened. That he’d grown tired and angry, had planned an impulsive trip to a nearby, almost unknown, district in Seoul and had let loose after weeks of being wound up.

Some might not bat an eyelid at what he decided to do.

But Hoseok wasn’t one of them. He hated himself, he really did at this moment, not just for what he did to Heeyeon, but now Taehyung as well. Taehyung, who seemed so alone and lost and sad, but made the most beautiful sounds and expressions that Hoseok was honoured to have seen.

Taehyung, who ran away from his home and had fended for himself somehow, yet seemed to show a certain kindness, had laughter that seemed to warm Hoseok’s bones.

Hoseok was good at reading people. Taehyung hadn’t told him much, had seemed reluctant to tell him even that, but the loneliness poured out of him, wrapping around Hoseok. Hoseok guessed that Taehyung slept around a lot, and no, he didn’t judge him for it, but he could tell from Taehyung’s voice that there had been many who had.

He felt guilty towards Taehyung for not telling him that he had technically cheated on Heeyeon, had taken out some of his frustration and longing on his body, and then had slunk away like a criminal after he got that text.

He felt guilty that though this was a one night stand, he felt a disgusting yet pleasing sort of attraction to Taehyung, like an oily layer on his brain that he couldn’t wash off. Taehyung hadn’t even blinked when Hoseok told him about being bi, had treated it as normal.

Maybe that’s why Hoseok couldn’t rid himself of the night, or the way Taehyung moaned Hoseok’s name and nipped at Hoseok playfully, like a little tiger cub. Because Taehyung didn’t give a shit about Hoseok’s identity and only cared to show him a good time.

Hoseok shook his head to clear himself off Taehyung, willing that name away into the depth of his mind. He’d parked and then he got out, taking out his overnight bag, Seokjin and Namjoon following closely behind.

“Is that Heeyeon’s car we saw outside?” Seokjin asked. He sounded wary, and Hoseok tried not to grimace at the question. Namjoon had his blank face on.

It wasn’t any secret that Heeyeon was one of the major reasons Hoseok had to hide like an animal in plain sight. And Seokjin and Namjoon, though tangled in their own on and off game, had to do the same.

He’d told Taehyung that it was his parents, but really, it was Heeyeon who he was most scared of. She was well-known in their social circles and was a successful events manager, and she was good, but she was intolerant.

Hoseok had had to hear many times what she really thought of those other people. Had heard the simmering anger and disgust in her voice that only came out in the privacy of their room in her apartment.

Before, Hoseok only had his parents to worry about, and whatever he did other than what was acceptable was done in dark corners or hidden alleyways late at night, in places he wouldn’t find someone else. When he’d met Heeyeon, she’d been a breath of fresh air, unrestrictive, unlike his parents. He’d been wanting to leave his parents’ home and find a place of his own, and she’d helped him.

Slowly, they’d fallen in love. She was older than him and seemed to know what she was doing, and Hoseok had admired her deeply. They’d pursued a happy few months before Hoseok soon realised that kind as Heeyeon was towards many people, she had her own hidden sides and behaviours that went against him. And he couldn’t even do anything about it, because he was disgustingly in love with her, and she’d made a mark on him, his life and his entire family.

Hoseok was so deeply hidden in his layers that not even his two closest friends knew about what he identified as, so scared was Hoseok of telling anyone.

Until Taehyung.

He bit the inside of his cheek to tell his brain to shut the fuck up. Taehyung was gone. He was done and dusted and back where he could be who he wanted, and Hoseok was back with his masks on.

“Yeah. That was hers.” Hoseok replied, his words clipped.

“Thought you’d broken up for good,” Namjoon commented, as all three of them walked towards the lobby of his apartment. The plan had been to come back to his place and laze around before they went to their respective jobs and duties tomorrow.

Hoseok had thought so, too. A very tiny part of him had felt relief, relief that he’d crushed down. Heeyeon was vicious when she came to making decisions, had yelled those words with such finality that Hoseok had bolted without looking back. Had reached his own apartment and downed an entire bottle of soju before he threw up, anger and sadness having a disjointed dance in his head.

But the horrible part was that Heeyeon had become a habit. A dangerous yet enticing, sometimes destructive habit, something he knew how to move around and with. He should have been happy that he didn’t have to live in constant fear of saying the wrong thing and earning a passionate speech from Heeyeon on how wrong it was, but he wasn’t.

In the most pathetic of ways, he was addicted to Heeyeon. And maybe, she was addicted to him, enough to break down from her own decision and wait for him in the lobby.

He could see her, she was still far off, but he wanted to run and cover the distance, smell in her scent of cinnamon and vanilla like an addict craving nicotine. But he remained steady.

“Yeah, well. Guess she changed her mind.” Hoseok shrugs.

Seokjin scoffs. Out of the two of them, Seokjin had been clear about his distaste for Heeyeon but had covered it up for Hoseok’s sake. Had pasted on a fake smile when Heeyeon referred to him and Namjoon as “cute roommates”.

Hoseok had had to beg them to endure because he knew that if Heeyeon knew that his two best friends were very much gay and in a relationship, she would have probably asked Hoseok to cut off ties with them. Hoseok couldn’t imagine a world where he didn’t have the two behind him. He couldn’t bear it.

“Was that what all that hurry to leave was about? She texted or something?” Seokjin asks. Hoseok nods. Namjoon, as always, is characteristically silent, though Hoseok knows Namjoon doesn’t like Heeyeon, either. He’s just a better actor than most, never talking to Heeyeon beyond necessary.

Heeyeon looks up when she hears them approaching, and her face lights up. Hoseok feels that same warmth for her rise up in his chest, along with that anger from their fight. And the guilt. Jesus, he could kill someone to get rid of that.

“Hey, Seokie.” Heeyeon’s voice is warm and stable as ever and her eyes shine with the same love that used to greet him every morning when they woke up next to each other.

Hoseok’s heart clenches at the nickname. No one else called him that; it felt like something just for the two of them. He wishes Heeyeon wouldn’t. Wouldn’t pretend like those ugly words hadn’t been exchanged between them.

“Hey, Hee,” he replies. He tries to give his best smile but he can’t muster the strength for it. Behind him, he can hear Seokjin and Namjoon shuffling. Heeyeon finally notices the two and gives them a tentative smile.

“Oh, hey, Seokjin. Namjoon.” She nods her head, then tucks a strand of her dark hair behind one ear. Goodness, she’s so beautiful, her eyes expressive and large and having the permanent ability to suck Hoseok in.

Then why doesn’t he feel that way now? What’s changed?

His brain tries to whisper the answer and he refuses. He isn’t stable enough for it, for the answer that could quite literally break him right now in the lobby.

Heeyeon clears her throat. It’s so awkward, the air around the four of them permeating Hoseok’s pores. Hoseok wants out. “I…I didn’t know they’d be with you. Are you all coming from somewhere?” Heeyeon’s eyes roam over their disheveled state and the overnight bags, lingering on Hoseok’s form in particular.

Hoseok knows he looks and smells like shit, and he’s worried, worried that Heeyeon’s keen eyes and senses might guess at what he was up to. He hates such situations, situations where he’s confronted with things without having anything prepared in advance. Covering up for a secret he’s had since a teen? No problem. But this?

This feels like a disaster in the making.

Fortunately for him, Seokjin comes to his rescue (God bless him). “We went to visit my older brother. He’s getting married soon so he wanted to chill with us a little.” He finishes off with a smile.

Hoseok wishes he had Seokjin’s tenacity to be cool under pressure and lie through his teeth without batting an eyelid.

Heeyeon seems to have bought it at the very least, and that’s all that matters. “Oh, my congratulations to him.” Seokjin nods. Good old Heeyeon, ever thoughtful of her manners.

Then she clears her throat again. “Hoseok-ah, I just wanted to talk to you. One on one. If possible.”

Hoseok frowns at this. Heeyeon demands; she does not give options.

She must feel guiltier than she shows if she’s willing to give that option to Hoseok.

Hoseok is tempted to say no. Is tempted to show that he’s not OK and he doesn’t want her right now.

But habits are habits, and with such disgusting self-respect, Hoseok nods.

He turns and sees Seokjin’s face nearly bordering on disappointment, though the smile is still present for Heeyeon’s sake. Hoseok understands why Seokjin would be upset; he’d been the first to come to Hoseok after the breakup happened and had heard all of Hoseok’s drunken rambling, had cleared his tears.

Seokjin didn’t know about his secrets but that didn’t mean that he was clueless about how miserable Hoseok sometimes was around Heeyeon.

Hoseok nods at him, pleading at both of them to just leave. The thing is, Hoseok already knows what is going to happen, or rather, he has a very good idea about it. He’s going to go up with Heeyeon. Heeyeon will apologise and Hoseok will accept because Hoseok hasn’t been alone or single in so long and can’t really handle that distance or emptiness. Heeyeon probably knows this. She will mean her apology, oh she will, but there would always be that undertone of I had no choice, Hoseok.

Namjoon and Seokjin purse their lips, but respect his plea and leave, Namjoon patting him slightly on his arm- a silent show of solidarity, an offer that should things go bad or affect him he can contact them.

He’s so grateful for them, for keeping him up even when he doesn’t ask.

Heeyeon follows him for once, and Hoseok tries not to be awkward as he fumbles for his apartment key and tries to unlock the door without dropping it. He can feel how nervous he is, feel it in the non-stop shaking of his hands that he clutches so he can stop. It’s not even that he’s guilty or Heeyeon will somehow guess what he did, it’s just that it’s her, right behind him and so close he can smell her cinnamon and vanilla scent like he’d guessed. He wants to bury his nose into her neck and inhale and it disgusts him, how he’s miserable and unhappy but he runs back to her like a kicked puppy every single time.

If only Heeyeon had been nice, if only she’d been a little open-minded and accepting of different people. Hoseok would have been the happiest, maybe even after their breakup he wouldn’t have gone and slept with the first pretty person he saw.

The excuses he makes for himself.

He opens the door and they enter, and Hoseok should have included this in his predictions because he finds himself pressed to the door with Heeyeon kissing him hungrily, as if she can’t get enough of him.

As if she missed him and needed her fill.

Maybe they are perfect for each other. One is too angry and bitter and vicious, the other is scared and fears being alone and gives in.

Hoseok kisses back, of course, he does. His mind doesn’t let him forget that barely forty-eight hours ago these same lips had been on someone else’s body, had marked up the canvas of it and felt the thrill of seeing his dominance on it. That these same lips have tasted whiskey sours and the ash of smoke, had spilled out that someone’s name as if he were worshipping a deity.

Hoseok is utterly disgusting, even as he gives in again and parts Heeyeon’s lips with his tongue, tastes strawberry- perhaps from her daily strawberry milk that she was addicted to- inside and meets her tongue in a fierce dance of dominance. Heeyeon is just as combative as he is, as demanding with her desire and she doesn’t let him have control, has never given up.

Hoseok likes control, likes knowing he can make or break a person, but he likes this sick game of power struggle too. He can feel Heeyeon sense his weakness and take charge, the way she presses him further and he feels her nails scratch at his scalp just the way he likes it, feels the way she tugs at his hair that always, always has him breaking and moaning.

Dirty, disgusting and addicted. He can’t stop and neither can she.

Even as he’s being dragged to hell, he can feel his hands trying to undress her and feel her body, the body that he knows better than his own and has worshipped for two years now.

They’re both naked and they haven’t even made it to his bedroom, choosing to crash onto his carpet in the living room. Heeyeon is on top of him and Hoseok briefly wonders if the apology, that whole docile game outside had been a front for this. It briefly raises a coil of anger in his gut, but that is replaced with a liquid desire that’s so hot that Hoseok doesn’t care anymore. He needs to let this out, and Heeyeon has always just been there.

However, even like this, Hoseok’s mind betrays him as memories from two days ago come to the forefront again and again. Heeyeon’s leaves traces of kisses on his body, and he unconsciously compares it to how Taehyung had done the same, how they’d felt. He sees the way Heeyeon stares up at him, her red lips smiling in triumph and a giddy sort of high she gets from sex or being near it. Sees how different they are from Taehyung’s eyes, remembers how playful Taehyung’s nips were, how excited his eyes were, how genuine.

Hoseok bites down when he feels Heeyeon’s lips on him, not because of the moan threatening to burst out, but because he can’t believe he’s thinking about another person while being with his girlfriend. He can’t believe that he’s comparing Heeyeon to Taehyung and he kind of wants to stop and ask for a break and maybe run away from everyone.

But he doesn’t, because he’s weak. So like the moral-less person he is, he enjoys Heeyeon’s act, enjoys how hot and tight she feels, how she knows exactly what he likes, likes the way she scratches at his skin lightly and rubs his thighs.

Enjoys the way she stops before it gets too much and she climbs on top of him, kissing him while she rolls down and begins to move. He moves with her, groaning his appreciation into her mouth.

He hasn’t even showered away Taehyung from his body and now Heeyeon joins those, and his body is a canvas of the paints of them. It’s utterly revolting that two of the most different people he’s ever met are joined like this, like two incompatible colours: Taehyung’s white and Heeyeon’s black converging to make a sludge of grey on him.

Hoseok is grey.

He feels himself getting close and can tell that Heeyeon is as well, can see it in the way her mouth is open and her face slacking as she nears the edge. Hoseok is sure he mirrors that, and in a sudden burst rises up to meet her lips. The sudden change in angle makes Heeyeon gasp and she comes with a cry, Hoseok pulling out before coming into his own hand.

Hoseok collapses into the carpet. He contemplates wiping his hand on it but logic takes over quickly; this is the living room and the stains would be a bitch to remove. Heeyeon collapses on top of him. Her dark hair sticks to his chest given how sweaty they both are. They’re both breathing hard and Hoseok strokes her hair and her back with his other clean hand.

“Wow,” Heeyeon finally breathes out in a huff. Wow indeed. Maybe one of the other reasons Hoseok’s addicted to Heeyeon is because they always have mind-blowing sex and he craves it like a drug, feels withdrawal upon him whenever they don’t do anything for long. Maybe that’s why he had a lapse in judgment and had slept with Taehyung.

He keeps telling himself that, so why the fuck does he keep stumbling upon his memories if Taehyung was that insignificant?

Hoseok hums, letting the post-sex haze take over him, numb him and stop the flow of thoughts going on in his head. He feels Heeyeon’s chin propped on his chest, can feel her gaze on him but he doesn’t want to meet it yet. He instead says the words into the air.

“I’m guessing we’re not here for an apology then?”

He can feel the way Heeyeon tenses up and can feel how set her chin has become, but Hoseok is the kind of crazy that deliberately touches fire even though he knows he’s the one that will burn.

When did he become so self-destructive?

“That’s not very nice to assume,” Heeyeon grumbles. She begins to move off him, look for something to wear and then gives up when she sees the disarray they left the room in, in their desperation. She sits with her back to the couch naked as the day she was born, and Hoseok finally meets her eyes.

Her face is set in a frown and her mouth set in a straight line. It’s sickening that this somehow makes both fear and excitement bubble in his gut, maybe even a lick of arousal. Heeyeon and he have had great angry sex too.

It’s nauseating, how he thinks and how little he is willing to do just to feel sure about the one thing in his life. Hoseok decides to press more. He gets up, his joints creaking and his back a little sore from all the movement of the carpet against his skin.

He’s glad that his naked body doesn’t have any visible marks from Taehyung; he’d made sure that he’d been in charge, save for that moment when Taehyung had sucked him off better than anything he’d ever experienced. Even then, he wondered if somehow Taehyung had known.

Had known that he fully intended to return to his life of hiding and that Taehyung was a dirty little secret.

“Well. I was fully expecting a whole talk, but I didn’t realise it involved talking bodies.” Hoseok shrugs. He finds a pack of cigarettes on the table and takes one out, lighting it up. Doing that in itself reminds him of that forbidden image, of Taehyung’s lips on the stick and inhaling, pupils blown wide as he’d exhaled out the smoke into Hoseok’s mouth.

Recalling that image makes his dick twitch and he suppresses it with all his might. He’s naked and he doesn’t want Heeyeon to think that he’s getting turned on by smoking, though he essentially kind of is.

Heeyeon takes it from him and inhales. It’s funny, Hoseok thinks, how Heeyeon is so perfect for a lot of people outside their little sphere when inside it she’s the girl who has kinks going on for days, is experimental and dominant and loves drinking beer and smoking. But outside she’s Ahn Heeyeon, the girl who follows a healthy diet and manages events perfectly to the last detail, gets along well with people’s families and friends.

In a way, Heeyeon has her masks too, just like Hoseok. And they shed it around each other, though Hoseok has to wear one all the time around her ever since he heard her make that comment and speech while watching the coverage of a pride parade on T.V. It’s exhausting, but at this point Hoseok’s decided to live with weariness settling into his bones rather than the fear of change.

Until Taehyung.

Literally, shut the fuck up, he growls at his brain. He constantly reminds himself that Taehyung was a mistake and a lapse in judgment, he was just some random guy he met at a club and nothing more than a good fuck. That’s it.

He loves Heeyeon, despite all their destructive patterns, and she loves him and it doesn’t even matter at this point if an apology happens. Their apologies come out in their harsh sex, the only currency they need to tell each other that they’re OK.

He loves Heeyeon.

He repeats this until it’s a constant buzz in his mind. He takes her hand as she opens her mouth to explain how sorry she is, how she hadn’t meant to call him all those swear words or make him feel like he was worth nothing. He hears her sorrow and wipes the tears that spill down her face. Then he kisses her and tells her it’s OK. I accept. I love you and I’m sorry too.

~

~

Taehyung is impulsive.

That, he thinks, is his most definable characteristic. Taehyung doesn’t think before he makes a decision and jumps headfirst into the pool of life without thinking if he can swim or stay above the surface. He just does.

He didn’t think when he decided to run away from home. He doesn’t know how his parents are or how his younger siblings think about him; he’s sure they probably all hate or resent him. He liked his siblings, but he hadn’t thought when he chose to be selfish over loving them. He’s occasionally checked in on them, to see how they’re doing and how they’ve grown up, but nothing more.

So it doesn’t come as a surprise to him when he finds himself right in the middle of Seoul, the sounds of the city pressing on his ears, the influx of its residents filling up the city’s sidewalks as they walk to work.

He hasn’t been here in months. He didn’t live that far from the main city, but he simply didn’t like dipping his toe into it. Something about feeling alone amongst so many people made anxiety grip him.

But he’d come back. He hated that he couldn’t control himself, couldn’t deaden himself to his world and feelings, and had come back.

For Hoseok.

As he said, Taehyung is impulsive and it runs in his blood.

He couldn’t get Hoseok out of his mind or his system. He’d tried to be OK with being left, he tried to forget his night and had gotten to his job of bartending (he was kind of good at it, flirting was his second name) but by the night, he found himself calling Jimin and asking if he could stay at his place for a few days.

Taehyung is sure his one ear isn’t working yet after it was assaulted so cruelly by Jimin’s high pitched squeals. Taehyung had found himself smiling at Jimin’s happiness, but also guilty. Jimin had been one of his closest friends that had stuck with him throughout everything, and he felt more at home with Jimin’s parents than he did with his own.

He owed a lot of his stability (though arguable) to Jimin and the shelter his parents had provided for a couple of months before he’d managed to settle at that age. Taehyung had fed them lies about how his parents treated him, and had only told Jimin the truth.

That he was weak and simply couldn’t stand going back home to a cold home where neither of his parents talked to him and were little more than strangers. Jimin had wholeheartedly supported him and provided a home when Taehyung needed one.

After school got over Taehyung left the city again, drifting. He wanted to hide from the world, make sure no one knew him and his deplorable self. But somehow, Park Jimin always found out, always kept track, like a fungus to a mushroom, insisting on a symbiotic relationship.

It was clear now that though Taehyung drifted, he always came back, specifically to Jimin. He needed Jimin like a plant needs the sun to flourish. Jimin was his sun that Taehyung always faced when he needed to feel OK.

But something rotten in Taehyung always sought artificial lighting and his own sphere of toxicity to thrive.

He felt horrible that he’d only contacted Jimin because he had a selfish purpose, a purpose to find Hoseok and to see if they could have been something more beyond stolen kisses in dull moonlight.

Oh well. He could kill two birds with one stone.

He calls Jimin and hears a popular girl group song blast loudly into his ear, loud enough that a passing pedestrian gives him a strange look. Taehyung blushes a little. Jimin and his eccentric, loud ways were endearing to him, but not to anyone else.

The song almost reaches the end of the first verse when Jimin finally picks up, and Taehyung sighs as he hears the sleepy voice. Jimin’s voice in the morning has the prominent Busan rasp and depth. Taehyung remembers how their classmates used to bully Jimin for his satoori and how he’d struggled. He remembers finding Jimin adorable and determined to be his friend, protecting him from the Seoul elite of spoiled kids.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Jiminie. It’s me.”

He hears a squeak and the tumble of a phone falling before he hears Jimin clear his throat. Taehyung smiles. Just as adorable as ever.

“Taehyungie!” Comes the greeting, no longer deep and raspy and now having that Seoul accent that they’d both worked hard on together.

“I’m here and I don’t see your smiling face, Jimin-ah.” Taehyung replies. Taehyung is at the train station. Jimin was supposed to pick him up as he’d changed apartments since the last time Taehyung had visited.

“You’re- oh, fuck, shit I completely forgot- fuck-”

Taehyung sets his bag down and continues to tease him. He can hear the hurried movements of Jimin getting ready in the background. Jimin had assured him that the station wasn’t that far away from his place. “And here I thought you were excited to meet me.”

Jimin huffs. “I was, you asshole, I am, but can you blame me for sleeping when the station is so close?” He hears the bang of the door and the lock clicking, hears Jimin climbing down the stairs. “You’re at the one I told you to be at right?”

“Yes, Jimin. Why would I go anywhere else?”

“If you had I wouldn’t feel like shit, but I see how it is. It’s all my fault.” Jimin whines and Taehyung feels fondness grow in his chest and suddenly feels glad for his impulse. Even if nothing came out of what he really wanted, seeing Jimin would heal him a little.

Even though Jimin assured he’s five minutes away, he continues to talk throughout, as if he doesn’t want to leave Taehyung alone, as if he knows how much Taehyung hates being by himself amongst so many humans.

He sees Jimin and waves at him, cuts the call before finding himself being tackled. Taehyung almost falls but fortunately, he’s always been used to the way Jimin throws himself at other people and he’s long since known how to balance his weight.

He crushes Jimin to himself and breathes in, feels that Jimin scent fill his nose and suddenly he finds himself back in time, eight years ago when he used to hang out in Jimin’s room and they’d laugh themselves hoarse, experimenting with weed and alcohol and trying to remain silent, giggling to themselves.

Goodness, he’s known Jimin so long. He’s the one constant in Taehyung’s life and Taehyung finds himself tearing up, feeling overwhelmed by how long he’s known Jimin and how much he’s missed him and more importantly, how his heart could overflow with the love he feels for his best friend. He burrows himself further into Jimin’s neck, and Jimin tightens his hold around.

“Oh, Tae, baby,” Jimin whispers, rubbing his back. Of course, Jimin knows how he feels, of course, he sounds so strong and stable, like he’s always been.

Taehyung doesn’t deserve Jimin. But he’s all he’s ever had.

He takes a couple of deep breaths and tries to get himself under control. They’re in a way too public place for Taehyung to break down. Jimin takes his hand and pulls him forward.

“It’s just five minutes away, Tae,” he says, tone assuring and warm. “We’ll be home soon.”

Jimin doesn’t lie; Taehyung finds himself in front of a modest apartment and waits for Jimin to unlock. Once he’s inside he struggles to remove his shoes as quickly as he can before throwing himself on the couch and bursting into tears.

He doesn’t even know why he’s crying so much. He was laughing barely ten minutes ago, and it’s not like he’s sad, but the more Taehyung thinks about it, the more he realises just how miserable he is, he has been for so long that any moment of happiness feels wrong, like he’s stolen it from a happiness reservoir.

He feels Jimin curl into him and stroke his hair, letting him sob. The thing is that miserable as Taehyung feels, he can’t cry alone. He’s so numb on his own, and maybe that’s his own way of coping and being strong as much as he can. But put him in front of caring people like Jimin and his waterworks just don’t stop. It’s only Jimin’s selflessness that ensures that Jimin is always there.

He doesn’t even know how he helps Jimin back, what he does to keep Jimin hanging around. He isn’t worth it.

Finally, he stops. He wipes his tears and breathes. He takes in Jimin’s new place. It’s not flashy; it’s simple and cute and it basically screams Jimin. And like Jimin, it’s a little messy too, empty containers of ramen and a soju bottle littering the low-lying table. From where he sits he can get a view into the kitchen, and see the various lists Jimin has put up on the fridge. Taehyung chuckles internally. Jimin is the true definition of organised mess.

Silently, Jimin leaves and comes back with tea. He must have switched on the kettle before picking up Taehyung, and Taehyung accepts the mug gratefully, letting the heat of it seep into his hands. The warmth washes away the hoarseness in his throat from the tears, and Taehyung feels like he can do this.

“Feeling better?” Jimin asks, drinking from his own cup. His one hand is still hovering over Taehyung’s hair, sometimes brushing away stray locks and sometimes playing with Taehyung’s hands. They’ve always touched each other, been in some form of contact, and it calms down Taehyung like nothing else.

Taehyung nods, not trusting himself to speak yet. At least that burning shame that accompanies his breakdowns isn’t present. Taehyung supposes it’s simply Jimin. Jimin has been with him through the worst of it, like that time when he had a nightmare about his grandmother and had thrown up in their shared bathroom, and Jimin had cleaned up after him. You don’t come back from that once you’ve started on that path. Jimin certainly hasn’t.

“You bleached your hair.” Taehyung feels the fingers card through his hair and he briefly closes his eyes, remembers the way Hoseok did the same. The feeling that accompanies is different; where Jimin’s feels like the comfort of home, Hoseok’s had felt like the promise of a new beginning.

It’s pathetic, really, how Taehyung attaches himself to anyone who shows the slightest bit of care.

“Yeah. I got bored.”

“You’re going to fry your hair and go bald.” Taehyung laughs weakly at this. What does it matter, whether his hair is horrible or he doesn’t look beautiful when he knows how to get people interested beyond his outside beauty?

But he gets Jimin’s attempt at being normal, at distracting him. Jimin has a whole thesis degree at this point on Kim Taehyung and how to know Him. He’s grateful for it, grateful that Jimin doesn’t ask him what happened or why. Taehyung takes his time opening up and Jimin knows that just by being with him, Taehyung is already better.

“I like this place. It’s better than the last one.” Taehyung comments.

“I know right? The landlord is nice too. The last one was such a sleaze, I’m glad I don’t have to see his face or know that he’s checking my butt all the time.” Jimin stretches and Taehyung takes this opportunity to snuggle into his side. Jimin instinctively wraps his arms around, his chin resting on Taehyung’s head. “I missed you.” He says.

Taehyung’s heart clenches in a mix of happiness and guilt. He’s horrible, he’s a terrible, terrible human being, vanishing without notice and coming into Jimin’s life at the most random moments. Jimin has never complained, has always had his arms open and his face set in acceptance.

“I know. I’m sorry.” He doesn’t need to explain why he was away for so long, why he hadn’t contacted Jimin or anyone else. It’s a pattern he has and Jimin has given up asking where he goes, his only condition being that Taehyung comes back. That’s all.

It’s the least Taehyung can do after all this time.

“Are you going to stay?” Jimin asks. Taehyung can feel the neutral tone he’s adopted, the careful undertone of hope and fear and longing. It can’t be easy for someone like Jimin, who likes to be close to the people he loves, to deal with Taehyung’s eccentricities. He can hear the will you stay a little while longer, before I wake up one day to a note you left?

A tear spills out of the corner of his eye and he doesn’t bother wiping it. If he does, Jimin would promptly shut up, would stop asking the questions he’s dying to ask and get back to cheering Taehyung up. Taehyung doesn’t like those kinds of questions but maybe due to the guilt swimming inside him, he lets it be.

“Yeah. I hope it won’t be an issue?”

He can hear Jimin rolling his eyes, can imagine the unamused expression on his face. If it had been up to Jimin, he’d probably tie Taehyung to his bed and insist on being roommates for life.

“Yeah, like I haven’t been begging you to stay longer.” Jimin rubs circles into Taehyung’s arms. “Are you kidding me, I have the spare room in such perfect condition I was surprised when I was done with it. It’s definitely the neatest room in this apartment.”

Taehyung’s laugh this time is loud. It’s funny imagining Jimin fretting over the perfect room, filling it with Taehyung’s favourite snacks and the mountain of pillows on the bed, because Taehyung is still a child and maybe a human octopus who needs something to cuddle. His happiness mixes with a twinge of sadness at the fact that unlike last time, Jimin deliberately chose an apartment that had two rooms, a silent message that if Taehyung wants to come back he can have it.

If Taehyung could fix himself and just be better, he’d like nothing more.

Jimin’s ministrations on his hair pull him into a sort of lazy sleep. He’s aware of the sounds and Jimin’s humming, and it’s a sort of relaxation he hasn’t had in a long time.

“So, Yoongi and Jeongguk wanted to meet.”

Taehyung’s eyes snap open. Right. Yoongi and Jeongguk, the other two people in his life that he loved but never kept in contact with.

“Do they now.”

He can feel the forced way in which Jimin is maintaining that façade of casual. Jimin’s probably shitting bricks internally at suggesting this to Taehyung.

“How did they know?” Taehyung asks, pushing himself off. Jimin looks halfway between determined and guilty, and Taehyung can’t get himself to be mad.

“I might have gotten excited and asked for their help in cleaning up the room. They just guessed from all the things I bought.”

Well. He can’t be mad now since Jimin didn’t exactly tell them. He’s known Yoongi and Jeongguk long enough to understand that they’re the other people in his life apart from Jimin that know him as well.

So Taehyung shrugs. “Sure.”

The look of surprise on Jimin’s face is so prominent Taehyung can see it from the corner of his eye. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah, why not? I haven’t seen them in a long while. I’m staying for some time anyway.” He finds himself tackled into the couch, Jimin’s arms embraced tightly around him. He feels Jimin mumble something into his shoulder, and strains his ear. He hears a constant utterance of thank you and he really, really feels like shit.

But he hugs Jimin back, pastes a smile for him when Jimin pulls back, his eyes a little watery from tears held back. It hurts, honestly, knowing how desperately Jimin and the others want him around, how they’re close to tears at the mere thought of him staying.

It really, really hurts, like the prick of a thorn catching him unaware when he admires a blooming rose.

“We can go out tonight, I found this really nice café nearby and it’s not crowded at all!” Jimin gets off, jumping on the balls of his feet and his phone in his hand. He’s already texting as he walks, his face lit up like a tree on Christmas night. Taehyung can feel that anxiety that grips him, the one that’s always lurking around whenever he thinks about meeting people or being normal. He squashes it away because fuck it all but he won’t take away Jimin’s happiness if he can help it.

Taehyung nods then leaves for the bathroom. A shower is what he needs, some solitude with the hot water washing away his constant tiredness. Once alone, all his thoughts jumble forward, as if a tide has been broken and they can all beg for his attention. He doesn’t stop them though, letting the thoughts build up and compete for his attention. Prominent among them are Jimin, Yoongi and Jeongguk and Hoseok.

Taehyung thinks Hoseok is most likely going to be a permanent feature in them.

He doesn’t know where he’s going to start his search. He knows next to nothing about Hoseok, only the way his body moves and his lips painting his skin. He still has the marks left on his body that he’s touched lovingly, watching them bloom from a dark purple to a now yellowish tinge.

He doesn’t know Hoseok’s full name or what exact job he does, he doesn’t really know who those friends of his were or if he has more in the city. He isn’t aware of where Hoseok lives or how he is out of the dance floor or when he’s being normal.

But Taehyung is impulsive, and he always finds his way.

✵

The air is getting colder, a permanent sort of chill permeating his skin and settling into his bones. Jimin is dragging him to the café he promised would suit Taehyung, and Taehyung is silent, content with simply watching Jimin bounce on his feet as he walks. Their hands are clasped together, and Taehyung doesn’t pay heed to any strange looks they may have received from strangers they passed.

Jimin occasionally checks his phone and frowns, like he’s not getting the news he wants. Taehyung doesn’t question him. His own phone is almost dead in his pocket, given that he doesn’t really use it that much.

At the fifth time that Jimin checks his phone, his face lights up. He leaves Taehyung’s hand to let out a fist pump in the air, before grabbing Taehyung’s hand again. He quickly sends a response one-handed and then turns towards Taehyung with a wide smile.

“I was texting this friend if he’d like to join in for some time. He just said yes, is that alright with you?”

Taehyung isn’t comfortable with new people immediately but he can bring out that side of his, the one that used to love people and loved making new friends. The side that gave him Jimin, Yoongi, and Jeongguk. That side isn’t in action anymore, but Taehyung can hear it clamour for attention every once in a while.

“Sure. The more the merrier, right?” Taehyung grins. He feels something like a seed of excitement being planted inside him. For once he isn’t seeing interaction with the constant misery that hangs like a cloud over him and he grabs at it before it vanishes.

Jimin is surprised too, but he doesn’t press him or needle him over it. “I’m loving you being back, you know that right?”

Taehyung nods. They don’t point out what Jimin really meant; that he meant how happy he was that the old Taehyung was back, the one who killed social awkwardness with a snap of his fingers and made friends with strangers in public bathrooms. The only one who’d stood for Jimin when he was being bullied, the only one who’d managed to break Yoongi’s aloof exterior and earn his trust. Taehyung squeezes back Jimin’s hand, telling him that he got it. That he’s glad he’s back too, even for a little while that the universe and his mind have granted him.

“I haven’t met him before, have I?”

Jimin shakes his head. “You couldn’t have. I got to know him after I changed my dance studio this year. He’s really talented, God, Tae, he’s magic on the floor. I’m so jealous of his skills. I’d honest to god marry him if only so we could dance forever.”

Taehyung laughs. Jimin is so dramatic at times and Taehyung’s missed him.

“Yeah? Why don’t you?” Taehyung teases back. Jimin frowns and his mouth is a pout; Taehyung is tempted to hold his lips and make him talk like a baby.

“Ugh, he’s got a girlfriend and I wish she was ugly but goodness, she’s so hot, and I’d be down to marry her too. It’s so unfair.” Jimin whines into the air, his breath forming puffs into the cold. It’s colder in the thick of the city than where Taehyung was, where the cold was accompanied by balminess.

According to Jimin, the café is around the corner, and suddenly Taehyung can’t wait. Can’t wait to see his old friends or make new ones, to feel the warmth from human interaction instead of just desperate sex.

Jimin keeps talking about his dance and how he’s doing, and Taehyung makes the right sounds, listens carefully. The café comes into view and they quicken their pace. He can see Yoongi and Jeongguk up ahead, talking amongst themselves, and another pair of people, a guy and a girl. Must be the new guy and his girlfriend. Taehyung stops himself from running forward.

He fails. He sees Jeongguk look up, see his face break out into the biggest smile and nudge Yoongi to look up as well. Yoongi’s stoic face breaks out into his gummy smile and Taehyung rips his hand out of Jimin’s, finds himself running and pushing past people in his haste to get to them.

Jeongguk has his arms wide open and Taehyung practically jumps into them, feels the crushing strength of Jeongguk close around him, squeezing him close. Inhales the explosion of various scents that Jeongguk keeps experimenting with.

Taehyung can barely keep himself from losing it right then. Every single time Taehyung feels regret coursing through him because he misses them. He misses them like a phantom body part and he wishes he could stay.

They don’t say anything to each other. He can feel Yoongi close by and holds out a hand for him to squeeze because Yoongi isn’t big on affection but he loves holding hands. He can hear Jimin reaching them and hugging them briefly, before greeting the new person.

Taehyung pulls back and tries not to let the tears overflow. Jeongguk wipes them away silently anyway, his thumbs rough on Taehyung’s cheek.

“God, hyung. I missed you. I missed you so damn much.” Taehyung can relate. Yoongi nods at him, his own eyes bright, though he doesn’t cry or get emotional in front of other people. Yoongi would probably go home and cry in the shower, where he can pretend that it is water in his eyes and on his face.

He knows them so well. He’s known them for some five years when he met Yoongi first on one of his drifting sessions. Yoongi was so silent that Taehyung had been desperate to break the awkward silence somehow. They’d hit it off when Taehyung offered to roll him a joint and Yoongi had lit up.

He met Jeongguk when he’d visited Jimin. He’d been shy and new in the city and an old childhood friend of Jimin’s from Busan. They’d hit it off over all the video games they both loved and competitively played in.

A few months down the line he’d come back again, this time with Yoongi in tow. He’d immediately sensed Jeongguk’s attraction to the elder, and both he and Jimin had strived to get them together. They were currently three years strong if their clasped hands meant anything, and it was one of the things that made Taehyung worth it.

“I missed you too, Guk. Yoongi hyung.” He nods at the elder. He hears the conversation behind come to an abrupt stop and remembers that he had to meet someone new. He wipes his eyes one last time and turns around with a smile on his face.

It drops.

Because in front of him is Hoseok.

~

~

Hoseok feels the smile drop from his face as he sees Taehyung.

Feels nausea follow immediately afterward as he looks at him. As he sees Taehyung’s own smile drop and his eyes widen, sees his mouth drop open a little.

Sees the way Taehyung’s eyes roam over Heeyeon’s arm around Hoseok’s waist and the way she’s sitting, leaning into Hoseok like it’s her home.

And then he sees the hurt flash in Taehyung’s eyes, the tips of his ears turning red and the tightening of his mouth.

Hoseok feels like utter shit.

“Babe?” Heeyeon whispers in his ear. He can see Taehyung flinch at the term of endearment. “You ok?”

Hoseok turns towards her and musters up a smile. This could be the worst thing in his life right now, a case where two lovers meet. He can’t let Heeyeon guess; he can’t let anyone here know that he and Taehyung are far from strangers.

“Yeah,” he says weakly, before clearing his throat and getting his mask back on. He faces Taehyung with that, and the rest of the people. “Yeah, sorry. Just took me by surprise.” He waves over at Taehyung.

Jimin frowns. “You know each other?”

He wished he did. But he only knows of sinful little Taehyung in bed, mewling with pleasure.

Now is not the fucking time, asshole, he screams at his brain.

Hoseok smiles. “No, no, he just looked like someone I knew. I was just surprised a little since I hadn’t seen him in so long. My apologies,” he turns to Taehyung, a hand held out. He prays that Taehyung will play along. “I’m Jung Hoseok.”

Although why should he. He fucked him and left; he didn’t leave anything behind, though Taehyung hasn’t left his mind ever since. He’s back with Heeyeon and he’s settled comfortably into loving the comfort of her.

But Taehyung is permanent.

Taehyung is here.

He sees the way Taehyung looks down at the outstretched hand, a brief flash of anger and disgust at Hoseok’s pretense. His smile is calm, although he can see Taehyung’s eyes promise a storm.

The fear that coils in his gut threatens to rise up and choke him into oblivion.

“Hi, I’m Kim Taehyung,” Taehyung shakes. His hand is warm and soft and the memories come back. He can see that they come back for Taehyung as well. He probably remembers the way Hoseok held him in his hand, the way he brought Taehyung to tears.

Horrible, horrible, his stomach revolts and Hoseok is glad he didn’t eat anything. He would have surely thrown up.

Taehyung leaves it, an easy grin on his face. “And no worries, misunderstandings happen. I’ve often seen so many similar faces and felt the same.” He laughs.

Everyone joins in, now that they don’t perceive an air of awkwardness that they’d originally thought. Hoseok laughs with them, but he understands.

Oh, he understands all too well, what Taehyung is implying.

They all sit down. Taehyung sits far away along with the other two guys, Jimin’s friends that he’s met maybe two or three times. From what he can tell, they’re dating, but they’re not obvious about it. He would have already heard Heeyeon make a muttered comment, seen the anger in her eyes if they had been.

He’s thankful that Heeyeon is busy talking to Jimin. Jimin is far from straight, but Jimin has a charisma around him that draws even the most hateful into liking him as a person, identity be damned. When he’d first seen Jimin hit it off well with Heeyeon, he’d taken Jimin aside and warned him. Jimin had only raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t like homophobes, hyung, but if you want, I’ll tolerate her.”

Hoseok had almost cried at that offer. He felt guilty and pathetic but grateful, all at the same time.

Hoseok listens to them talk, though his eyes and mind are occupied by the man in front of him. Taehyung is settled comfortably into the chair, relaxed and playing with his blond strands as he talks.

But Hoseok can sense the façade. Can sense how Taehyung is keeping tracks on him out of the corner of his eye, the way he tenses up when Heeyeon plays with Hoseok’s hair or scratches his exposed knee through the ripped jeans.

He can sense the waves of quiet anger roll through the air as well.

Hoseok tries to ignore that because if he pays attention the guilt will drown him. He laughs along with Jimin and Heeyeon. Finally, Jimin asks the other three to join him because he’s deemed their meet up to be sufficient. Tense as Taehyung looks, he also looks genuinely happy.

Hoseok remembers the loneliness of Taehyung, the way he sounded so alone, and wonders if he ran away not only from his home but his friends too. Wonders how long they’d been separated if he went by the emotion of their reunion.

When Jimin had texted him about a meeting and bringing along an old school friend, Hoseok would never have expected this. Hoseok loved meeting people and had wholeheartedly agreed.

He wished he’d asked Jimin the name earlier. He would have bailed the fuck out.

Coward, his brain whispers.

He is, he won’t even deny it.

Kim Taehyung, why did you come back?

He can’t pay much attention to the conversation. Heeyeon takes over; she probably senses that Hoseok’s mood has dropped low. She doesn’t know it’s because of Taehyung reappearing in his life again.

Everyone exchanges little things, a pretty little social dance. The guy clad in black (Yoongi, was it?), doesn’t engage much, though he listens. Hoseok sees that Taehyung is a talker; both he and Jimin complement each other in their energies.

Hoseok is taken in yet again by the enigma that is Taehyung. He can’t recognise the man in front of him. In flesh, yes, but this Taehyung is different. He isn’t sultry gazes and spit slick lips, or the nimble fingers unzipping Hoseok’s pants. No, this one is boxy grins and crinkled eyes, a laugh that booms throughout the café and an innocence that many simply don’t have at this age.

The danger of the thought that lurks at the periphery of Hoseok’s minds makes him scared and excited at the same time.

Hoseok realises that he wants to know Taehyung beyond the dingy motel room.

A truly dangerous thought.

It’s here that Taehyung makes eye contact and then opens his mouth to speak.

“Say, Hoseok, what did you say you do?”

He sees Jimin raise his eyebrows at the informal way Taehyung talks to him, the absence of an honorific. He can also see that this was deliberate on Taehyung’s part.

Taehyung may be wide smiles and bright teeth but the storm raises its intensity in his eyes.

“Hey, that’s hyung, to you,” Jimin nudges. After all, Jimin knows more than anyone what a stickler for social rules Hoseok is, how much it irks him when they aren’t followed.

What Jimin doesn’t know is that Hoseok is more than used to his name on Taehyung’s lips, the way he curls them and moans them into the air. Even now, it does something to do him, unfurls a coil of heat in his stomach.

Hoseok wants to pour the hot tea all over him because he’s a pest at this point and he wants to die.

“My apologies. I hope Hoseok hyung doesn’t mind?” Taehyung blinks, his long eyelashes brushing his cheekbones.

Fuck.

It’s a sick game he’s playing, that he’s pushing Hoseok into. Hoseok can’t even do anything about it because he knows exactly why Taehyung is doing that.

He feels used. He feels cheated and wronged and probably lied to. And he now has to face Hoseok, after believing they’d never see each other again, and find him with a girlfriend already present.

Hoseok can’t even blame him for feeling destructive or impulsive. He can only feel sorry for the two of them.

“No, I don’t mind. I’d let it go for all that misunderstanding earlier.” Hoseok smiles instead.

“You’re really nice about this,” Taehyung says, sipping at his tea. “Your name’s nice too, it’s like something you’d want to keep saying again and again, no?”

Hoseok coughs into his drink, and Heeyeon immediately pats his back. Over the discomfort of the burn in his throat, Hoseok can feel the jolt in his stomach and presses his thighs together, for fear of all the blood in his system going down.

It’s Heeyeon who takes the bait placed, giggling. “I’d agree, Taehyung-ssi, though I think we have very different contexts in mind.”

Oh, how wrong she was, how oblivious of the way Taehyung grins darkly into his own cup, at the way his eyes meet Hoseok’s briefly. “Different contexts indeed, Heeyeon noona,” Taehyung replies.

Hoseok clears his throat. The last thing he wants his Taehyung and Heeyeon to get along with each other because while Heeyeon is clueless, he knows Taehyung would find a way to worm himself between them. Taehyung has probably already guessed what Hoseok doesn’t want to be guessed.

“And I’m a dance teacher. I teach both at the schools as well as my own studio.”

“And do you teach well?”

Hoseok blinks. That’s not a question he receives when he tells people about his profession. “I mean, I’d like to think so.”

“Oh, he does,” both Jimin and Heeyeon echo, and they laugh at the synchronization. Heeyeon then continues. “I’ve been to his studio in session and it’s very difficult to not take Hoseok away.” She winks. “Hoseok teaching is really hot.”

Taehyung smirks. “He definitely looks like it. Must be great at taking charge.”

Hoseok is really, really uncomfortable right now and he wonders how long this will continue. Taehyung’s not even hiding the references to their time, getting bolder and bolder, and Hoseok wants out.

Taehyung then gets up and stretches. This raises the hem of his sweater, revealing a sliver of golden skin and his hip.

Reveals the blooming purple pressed into it. That Hoseok marked with his lips.

Hoseok knows if he breaks contact with the skin and looks up, he’d find Taehyung’s eyes on him, challenging him to pretend like they just met.

A sick, sick game.

“I was thinking about ordering another round. Anyone wants anything?” Taehyung asks. Hoseok is about to say no, but Heeyeon cuts off and agrees. Taehyung nods before adopting a pout. “And you think I’m going to get all of these on my own? Someone’s got to come with.”

Everyone groans, but then Heeyeon ruins his life again.

OK, maybe that is extreme, but Hoseok is this close to ripping out his hair and burrowing his head into the floor.

“Hoseok said he wanted to go to the washroom. He’ll go with you.”

Death. He craves death.

Taehyung shrugs and walks away, but Hoseok knows the act of nonchalance is fake. Hoseok gets up at his pace after making sure his dick hasn’t sprung up or something awkward like that. He also agrees because he has his own damn questions.

The guilt has long since disappeared into the abyss of his mind, for the anger that’s been slowly building throughout makes an appearance, gripping him.

They go to the bathroom first. Hoseok checks if it’s empty or not and thankfully, it is.

Then he grabs Taehyung by the wrist and takes them inside a cubicle, locking it.

He’s met with a blank face as if Taehyung expected this. As if he’d riled Hoseok up for this very purpose. Hoseok hates that it seems to be working, uncoiling itself from under his skin and raising to meet Taehyung’s expectations.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Hoseok asks. His voice trembles; he sounds gruff and mad. “What the actual fuck are you doing?”

“Whatever do you mean, hyung?”

Hoseok breathes, tries to control the emotions fighting for dominance in his mind. It’s a mix of everything; he wants Taehyung to shut up, he wants Taehyung to lose that smug look, he wants to be mad at him and tell him to back off.

Prominently, he wants Taehyung.

“Stop that, stop playing that game, Tae,” he spits back. They’re at the same eye level, maybe Taehyung is a little taller but right now he’s leaning back against the stall door, blinking lazily. His eyes flash at the nickname though.

Hoseok remembers how he’d uttered it in their post-sex haze, the way Taehyung had lit up at it.

“Don’t call me that.” Taehyung’s voice is deep and low and full of lurking danger. “You don’t get to call me that.”

If Hoseok gave a fuck, which he would later on when he’s alone and at peace, he’d apologise. Right now, he kind of wants to regain a semblance of control.

“I don’t give a fuck, Taehyung,” he says back viciously. They’re so close, their chests are almost within brushing distance, and he can smell Taehyung. It’s different from that night; he smells like lilies and some other floral scent. Hoseok wants to close that distance and inhale it in, wants to see if his lips taste different from that night.

The nature of his thoughts disgust him and he physically recoils, putting a little distance between them. They’re both breathing hard, though nothing has happened.

But everything kind of has.

“Oh, but I think you do, Hoseok,” Taehyung speaks. He sounds so calm. How can he sound so calm when his eyes promise destruction? “I think you do, because why else would you be here with me when you have your wonderful girlfriend right outside?”

The guilt takes dominance over the want and engages in a fearsome dance with his anger. Fuck. Fuck, Heeyeon is right outside, she thinks he’s just taking a piss and waiting for orders when in reality he’s being a disgusting human being, having desires about someone else while in a relationship.

Maybe it was alright before because he’d been single then. It was alright before because it’s a thousand times worse now.

“Shut up.” He pulls back and rubs his eyes, pressing the balls of his hands onto them and hoping he can forget everything.

“I didn’t say anything. I only stated the obvious and you looked like you needed a reminder.”

Hoseok opens his eyes; Taehyung is no longer relaxed. He’s standing straight and his fists are loosely clenched at his sides, his eyes blazing. As if by reminding Hoseok, he reminded himself too.

Reminded himself that he was a dirty little secret and nothing more than a used tissue.

“Just. Taehyung. Please, I’m begging you, please stop this, Heeyeon doesn’t deserve this.”

“And I do?” Taehyung scoffs. He rolls his neck. “You’re right, she doesn’t deserve it, and she doesn’t deserve a lying, cheating and leaving piece of shit like you.”

Hoseok’s anger wins again. He takes a careful step forward. “If you want to talk, at least do it with all the facts clear,” Hoseok says. “We were broken up at that time.”

Taehyung laughs lowly. “And you expect me to believe that you didn’t feel guilty afterward?” Hoseok flinches. Taehyung seems to be reading him perfectly, but he can’t get a read into the hurricane of his mind or mood. “It was from her, wasn’t it? The text? You left because she texted. Ran away like a pathetic dog with its tail between its legs.”

“You don’t know anything.”

Taehyung’s eyes seem maniacal in the dim bathroom light. “Don’t I? I bet you felt like shit. I bet you went to her because she’s an easier option.” He grabs the front of Hoseok’s own shirt and brings him closer. “I bet she’s the one you’re really hiding who you are from.”

Hoseok pushes him away, tries desperately for a barrier to put in place so he can get back the damn control.

“Why are you here?”

“Am I right, Hoseok hyung?” Taehyung presses. He licks his lips and grins, but it’s no longer the sweet smiles he’d witnessed in the motel or even tonight, outside with their friends. “I think I am. I bet you still feel like shit right now. Don’t think I didn’t notice how interested you were earlier tonight.”

Hoseok doesn’t even bother. He feels the fight, the anger leave out of his system, and feels that tiredness seep into him and weigh him down. He’s bent at his waist, his head low and feels the beginning of a headache at the back of his head, feels the sickness pooling in his stomach.

Taehyung is relentless. He can hear Taehyung shuffling behind for the lock.

“If it makes you feel any better, Hoseok, I came back for you.”

And just like that, like the final judgment of God on a soul, Taehyung walks away.

Leaving Hoseok barely being able to stand, heaving into the toilet as the sickness rolls up and into the bowl. It’s nothing but acidic content mixed with the coffee he had; he can taste the rancid bile and coffee in his mouth.

He hears hesitant knocks and Heeyeon’s voice. “Seokie? Are you alright?”

No, he is not.

He is sick, but he’s not really. He’s sick because he feels monumentally fucked up and he’s probably monumentally fucked things up, and the words are playing on a loop in his mind.

I came back for you.

~

~

The anger seems to provide some energy as Taehyung speed walks on ahead, leaving Jimin, Yoongi, and Jeongguk behind in the dust.

He can hear them trying to match his pace, can hear Jimin’s “Taehyung, slow down!” and Jeongguk’s “What’s up with him?”, but Taehyung has run out of fucks to give at this moment.

He just wants to leave everything that happened tonight far, far behind him, and drown it with enough alcohol so that his brain forgets.

But his brain has never listened, never been a friend. He knows no matter what he does, he will wake up in the morning and he will see them, see the way they sat close to each other and the way they touched. It’s burned into his mind, the way Heeyeon casually wrapped her arm around Hoseok’s waist, the waist that had Taehyung’s legs wrapped around him barely a week ago. It’s imprinted like a final statement, the way she laughed with him and how he looked at her as if she was his entire world.

He’s finally understood why they made jealousy green. It’s a sick feeling, like the green of the bile that sloshes in the pit of his stomach, and it burns him from within, creates a green haze in his mind. It made him want to get up from his seat and take Heeyeon by her face and tell her who her loving boyfriend was.

He had wanted to look her in the eyes as he told her how Hoseok had fucked him, show her some of the marks Hoseok had made on his collarbones and the one on his hip. Hoseok did this. He marked me and he told me such delicious things, he made the most wonderful of sounds. I brought him to heaven and then I got him back down, and only I can do that.

He doesn’t know where such destruction is coming from. Taehyung has been the other one before, the one who is hidden and a secret, waiting in alleyways and bathrooms for a taste of heaven. He’d been OK with it, or rather, he made himself OK with it because he knows he’s only deserving of sloppy seconds and thirds.

So why does he feel so wronged, so used and dirty, as if his entire worth was questioned tonight and put in front of the world to watch?

You came back for him, his brain supplies the answer. Taehyung accepts because no other would satisfy him. He’d dropped everything, made the effort to travel to this shitty city with its shitty people, all caught up in their misery, for him. For one single person who had made him feel deserving of everything good in the world.

To arrive and find it ripped apart and utterly demolished as Hoseok shook his hand, eyes begging for Taehyung to play along and be a stranger- it hurt. It hurt so bad that Taehyung feels the pain in his chest squeeze tightly even more, travel all the way to his head and prick his eyes.

More than the anger, it was the dejection from being just another fuck and nothing more.

Jimin finally reaches and turns him around by the shoulder, breathing hard. Taehyung is shaken out of his stupor as he sees this, and then he looks behind- Yoongi and Jeongguk are far away. Taehyung hadn’t realised he’d walked so fast. He finds himself breathing a little hard as well.

“Taehyung, will you slow down?” Jimin finally says. They’re right in front of his apartment building, so at least Taehyung didn’t lose his way. Although that restlessness within wants to do just that, take a wrong turn and get lost in a random alleyway. Maybe meet someone and fuck it all out.

They won’t be Hoseok, though, his brain whispers. Jesus, he needs a fucking grip.

“Sorry.” He pushes his clenched fists into the pockets of his coat, because Taehyung can hide his face but his hands always give him away; when they shake too much because of how anxious he feels or the way his nails cut into him when he hates himself. And Jimin can tell better than anyone what Taehyung’s hands want to show.

Jimin has a strange look on his face, and Taehyung sets his into one of peace, a smile to assure Jimin that there wasn’t any reason he practically ran out of the café.

Jimin continues to look at him as they walk towards the elevator; his key is in hand, ready to unlock the moment they come to his floor. Yoongi and Jeongguk join, and all three of them are giving him looks equally confused and concerned.

Taehyung bites his lips and checks his reflection in the mirror, avoiding their gazes. Damn it, he should have played it smart, should not have been so obvious with his distress. But what could he have done, when he came out of the bathroom, his heart almost burning white hot in his chest, and having just enough coherency to tell Heeyeon that Hoseok was sick and she should help him?

His reflection shows how blank his face and eyes are, the way his blonde hair covers his forehead and the sheen of sweat on it. He can feel cold chills run over his body and Taehyung hates this, hates how he reacts to life around him.

They enter the apartment and Taehyung welcomes the warmth and shelter from the biting cold outside. Taking off his coat, he turns to Jimin.

“Hey, can we have some chicken and beer tonight?”

Yoongi and Jeongguk have made themselves comfortable on the couch; Jimin is looking at him with his arms crossed.

Ah. He needs an explanation, and Taehyung has always been so bad at those.

“We can,” Jimin says, stance in that same position, “but you’re going to explain first why the fuck you left like that. Now.”

Taehyung gulps. Jimin has always been understanding, has always given the benefit of the doubt to Taehyung and trusted him enough not to demand answers that he probably wants. Taehyung knows he didn’t behave nicely tonight. Even more so than usual, and that Jimin won’t budge unless Taehyung answered.

“Nothing, just…I don’t quite know how to explain it.”

“Did something happen with Hoseok hyung? Did he say something to you?”

Something happened alright. Taehyung could try and he wouldn’t forget what happened. But Jimin doesn’t know that he knows his friend and his idol, has known him in more intimate ways than anyone else, apart from Heeyeon.

It irks him, that he shares something with her. That they have both worshipped Hoseok and lived to tell the tale, her more openly than he ever can.

“No, god no, he was fine. Just,” Taehyung scrambles for a valid excuse and accidentally stumbles upon. Lies are his secondary diet. “I got this text from a creep that’s been texting me for quite some time. I just got a little disturbed, and then Hoseok fell sick so. I kind of just wanted to leave.”

Jimin looks concerned, and Taehyung hates the lies he has to feed the people around him, especially Jimin. “Is it OK now? Do we have to file a complaint or something? We can go right now-”

“No! No, it’s not required. I’ve blocked him already, he’s just vulgar but he’s harmless.” Of course for Jimin this news is unheard of; it’s not like Taehyung tells him about how many threats he’s received or unsolicited naked pictures of both men and women, how it’s become a daily habit to open his phone to things and not bat an eyelid. But it works here, gets Jimin off his back about the way he left.

“I’m sorry, Tae,” Jimin says, hugging Taehyung briefly and looking up into his eyes. He genuinely looks like he’d go into his phone and contact said creep, give him an earful and ask for his location “because I’d just like to talk, bro.” Taehyung feels like utter shit, so undeserving of Jimin’s care when all he’s done is come here for another man (not like that’s an option anymore, right) and lied to his face, when he’s never really lied to Jimin, only hidden some truths.

Taehyung keeps his pretense, his smile. “So, we getting that chicken and beer, then?”

“Please, yes, I’m starving,” comes Jeongguk’s groan. Yoongi is silent, watching something on his phone while Jeongguk’s head is in his lap. Jeongguk seems close to passing out (when is that boy not ever in some form of semi-sleep), and Taehyung smiles as he sees them together. You made a good thing for them. You’re not completely bad.

Except that he slept with Hoseok while he was in a relationship, and sure he’s been the homewrecker before and never given a shit because sex is a sex and he’s a lonely addict.

But he’s tired, so tired, of being the sloppy second and the one who compromises, the one nods his head with a smile on his face as he listens to yet another shitty apology from a lover and how they express with spread hands, you knew this couldn’t really go beyond what we had.

He did. But he doesn’t want to be that anymore. He wants more, wants Hoseok and this surprises him. He’d expected that he’d give up and slink away back to his life, stay for a few days to keep his friends happy, but the fervour with which the thought grabs him and places a firm hold on his neck surprises him. He can feel the determination and anger rise, and he wants Hoseok. He’d fight for him or so help him God.

As they eat the chicken and beer, he thinks about the bathroom cubicle. He knows that Hoseok wants him too, could see it in Hoseok’s eyes and the way he kept inching closer like he couldn’t help himself from the gravitational pull that was Taehyung. He saw the way Hoseok traced his face with his eyes, the way they fell on his lips when Taehyung licked them.

He knows all the guesses he spilled out ruthlessly to break him were true; he could see the ashen skin and the guilt swimming in those eyes, clashing with the want.

Hoseok is hiding from everyone around him, but above all, he’s hiding from Heeyeon, hiding in her normalcy, quenching his thirst and his guilt in her beauty and her red smile, the way she laughs and speaks. Objectively, even he can see how gorgeous she is, even as dislike bubbles in his gut for her. If Heeyeon was single in the club, Taehyung would have flirted his way into her pants. He has no doubt that she’s wild in bed, wild enough to satisfy someone like Hoseok and keep him around.

But she’s not Taehyung and she will never be. Taehyung recalls the silent promises he makes to his lovers as he breaks them, the punishment he bestows upon them; that they will never forget him, that they’ll remember him in the most inappropriate of moments or even as they get fucked by somebody else. An oily layer of satisfaction blankets his skin as he remembers the way Hoseok squirmed tonight, the way he choked at Taehyung’s implications and games. The way he pressed his mouth into a straight line and pressed his thighs together. Even as the anger clouded his eyes he could feel the want in the air.

Heeyeon made jokes about different contexts and the name of Hoseok; poor her. Poor her, indeed, that she was clueless and didn’t know how the contexts were not different at all, that Taehyung knew exactly what she was implying when she talked about Hoseok in charge. He knew how dominant Hoseok was, the way he marked Taehyung like a passionate painter meeting a blank canvas for him to express, and the aggressive yet soft ways in which he tasted Taehyung’s mouth and body.

Poor her that Taehyung was coming for Hoseok, morals and ethics be fucking damned. For the first time in a long time Taehyung finally felt like he had a goal or a purpose, and so what if that left a destruction in its wake?

Taehyung had always been collateral damage, always been the one left behind in the dust. No, this time, he would try. And if he didn’t get what he wanted, he would show. Show how much of a storm he could rouse when slighted.

He has never felt possession so strong and it’s not entirely a disgusting feeling. Rather, it’s a cruel mix of happiness and some form of righteous anger. He feels it settle into his heart as he stands under the hot shower again, tasting them on his mind’s tongue and letting the emotion actually flow rather than suppress it like he always does.

I came back for you. And I intend to stay for you and get you back.

~

~

He lies in bed with his head in Heeyeon’s lap as she strokes his hair, rubbing soothing circles into his temples and humming something.

Hoseok barely even pays attention, all his thoughts floating back to the bathroom cubicle, the way Taehyung was so close and had a hand gripped in Hoseok’s shirt, his eyes blazing even as his lips smiled and he let out truth after truth.

And then, that damning sentence.

I came back for you.

Hoseok almost groans, almost lets it out of his mouth but stops himself just in time. He’d finally managed to convince Heeyeon that he was absolutely fine and no, he did not need one more tablet of whatever medicine she owned.

He was far from fine. He was at the edge of falling down a cliff and getting scratches as he fell, some managing to wedge into his skin and cause him eternal pain. The anger had vanished, and so had the guilt. Hoseok was numb; he didn’t know what to feel.

So he took the easiest option, which was slinking away after Heeyeon into their apartment and keeping up the sick façade. If he didn’t, he thinks Heeyeon and he would already be deep in the throes of passion, the apartment filled with the sounds of slapping skin and moans. He knew that Heeyeon’s little comments tonight had been her form of subtle foreplay, a way to rile him up so that when they reached home, they’d forget who they are in each other’s arms.

It is a damn pity that they did nothing for Hoseok, that she had lost that game to Taehyung.

I came back for you.

That he had left such a mark on a young man, a random guy from an unknown district but so heartbreakingly beautiful, itched at him and created deep gouges in his heart. Hoseok had been so close to giving in, and Taehyung had cruelly (and rightfully) reminded him that Hoseok was a disgusting, lying and cheating piece of shit.

He wouldn’t even deny it. He was then, and he was now, for entertaining those thoughts even as he lay with his girlfriend and she tried to make him feel better.

I came back for you.

He can feel the promise Taehyung has made, that he has left unsaid. He’s here, he’s wronged and he will make Hoseok pay.

It sickens him that somewhere deep inside the recesses of his mind, that promise makes hope flare up, makes him excited for what’s to come next. Hope, that maybe Hoseok might escape the loop of misery he’s put himself in by being with Heeyeon, and excitement that at the end of the journey would be Taehyung.

He can’t believe himself.

He does wonder, however, why Taehyung is hell-bent on him. Weren’t they just a one night stand? Weren’t they just meant to fuck away the loneliness and the anger, and then leave?

He’s probably stuck on Taehyung because he’s the only one who knows how Hoseok struggles with constantly hiding himself in the closet and then layering himself with years’ worth of clothes. He can understand why he’s attached in that peculiar way of you know something about me that no one does, and that’s why you don’t leave.

But what about Taehyung? What did Hoseok do to be permanent for Taehyung? Did he do something for him, as Taehyung did for him? Hoseok racks his brain for memories of that night, for anything beyond the skin they shared but he comes up short. Apart from talking about why Taehyung doesn’t have parents to fear, but Hoseok thinks it’s a little bit of a reach to follow someone for that.

He wishes he could ask. But Taehyung is mad at him and Hoseok doesn’t think he’ll get a clear answer anyway. An answer that he might be mentally ready for.

He hears something and then snaps back to the present. “Did you ask something?”

Heeyeon huffs. “You’re zoning out so much today. I asked what you thought about Taehyung.”

Hoseok stiffens. Did she guess somehow? Did she realise that Taehyung was asking deliberate questions and she was now going to ask him about his weekend away?

“What about him?”

“Pretty, isn’t he?” Heeyeon giggles, and Hoseok maintains a smile even as he kind of wants to say what the fuck?

“I suppose.”

“Didn’t it feel like he was being really specific, though? I think he took a liking to me or something.”

Yeah, what the fuck is a giant mood right now.

“I didn’t pay attention.” Hoseok is aware his responses sound clipped. “Why, do you want him to be?”

“I love you and unfortunately I don’t do threesomes.” Heeyeon pauses. “Well, one night might not be so bad…”

“Jesus, Heeyeon, what the fuck.”

Hoseok’s up from her lap and he hopes he doesn’t look irritated the fuck out or worse, panicked. Taehyung would love that, wouldn’t he? A perfect sea for a hurricane to form. He’s also surprised its Heeyeon, good old traditional LGBTQ+ hating Heeyeon, suggesting a threesome where another guy is involved.

Well. It could work if she’s the one being worshipped.

Even so, it’s a revolting idea.

“Calm down, Seokie,” Heeyeon says, a glimmer in her eyes even though she tries to look apologetic. “Of course I don’t mean it. I’m just surprised a boy can be that pretty.” Hoseok might agree there. Taehyung doesn’t look or feel real or of this realm. They’re silent though Hoseok feels the restlessness rise again. It’s kind of late to go out into the city and have an impromptu dance session.

“You’re being weird tonight,” Heeyeon says, looking up from her phone. Hoseok supposes he couldn’t expect Heeyeon to overlook everything. She was much too sharp for that.

“Weird how?”

“Just,” she shrugs, biting her lip. How is it so red all the time? And why is Hoseok even thinking about random crap like that? “You became all moody at the café and you weren’t even talking with Jimin, that’s so weird. And then you got sick…Is everything fine?”

“I told you. I’m good.”

“No. I meant about us.” Heeyeon picks at a fingernail. “It’s not me, right? You’re not still mad at me?”

He kind of is, but like with everything else when it comes to Heeyeon, Hoseok’s long learned to just push it away and ignore it. It’s not even just how intolerant she can get or the snide comments she makes. It’s everything, Hoseok realises. Has been for a long time.

Its goddamn pity that he can’t do shit about it because of how he is as a person. A pity that he had to sleep with someone else to realise how crappy everything is.

“No, of course not.” Lies spill like oil from his mouth, slippery and smooth and untrustworthy. “I don’t know what happened. Must be a shit mood.”

“You and your moods.” Heeyeon shakes her head, eyes rolling. Right, she’s always found his mood swings to be excessive even as she “puts up with them”. “I think it is me though. I didn’t have you for three weeks and I went mad; I took all your time. Maybe you just need to spend time with someone other than me.”

Heeyeon really is smart, huh.

Hoseok doesn’t say anything, just hums. Whatever will happen, Heeyeon will suggest it. He’s been at that stage where he agreed with her and it led to a ‘disagreement’. He’s destructive, but he’s not entirely stupid.

“Maybe go spend time with Namjoon and Seokjin.” Heeyeon nods, already back to her phone.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, it’ll do you good. And I need my boy in a top class shape.” She winks. Hoseok doesn’t bother again, just gets up and wraps a scarf around, putting boots on. Yeah, he just needs time away from her which does not include someone else’s body or the thoughts of it.

Hoseok walks out of the apartment, hissing at the drop in the temperature. As he walks towards Namjoon and Seokjin’s apartment, he mutters curses at the cold. He loves winters but he hates the Seoul ones; it always feel like it could shrivel him up like a prune. He prays that Namjoon is actually home and not out because then it would be his time to die by becoming a Popsicle.

H reaches the place and knocks. It’s a modest place and it’s enough for the two of them, and Hoseok likes it. He likes it better than his own too silent place, at any rate.

It’s Seokjin that answers. He’s wearing his apron, and Hoseok can smell the kimchi jiggae cooking in the air. His stomach rumbles and he pushes past Seokjin and crashes into the couch.

“Uh, hi?” Seokjin says belatedly, confused but exasperated as he shuts the door behind him. Next to him is Namjoon, who seems to be listening to something and working on his laptop- may be the latest track for an idol group. He barely looks at Hoseok, giving a nod before getting back.

Hoseok supposes it speaks of the years between the three of them that there is so much comfort, that they are used to his erratic moods and his need to just be around familiarity that they don’t make an issue.

“Hey, hyung. What’s up?”

“I don’t know,” Seokjin replies from the kitchen. “A pest entered my place and just owned it. Now I have to serve him dinner.” Hoseok chuckles. He knows he’s more than welcome here and that Seokjin always makes so much when it comes to food.

“Yeah? Could you add a couple of beers to that?”

“Fucking brat.” He hears from the kitchen. Seokjin enters the living room, wiping his hand. “I don’t know why I put up with your insolent ass.”

“Because no will do girl group dances to cheer you up,” Hoseok replies simply. Seokjin looks fond beneath that fake irritation.

“That is true. Anyway, come along. Namjoon, you as well. If the food goes cold again you will find it in your bed at three in the morning.”

Namjoon rolls his eyes but gets up, stretching. “Hey, Hoseok. Fancy seeing you here all of a sudden.”

Hoseok shrugs. At least here he can be a little bit more honest than usual. “Heeyeon was being weird.”

“I still don’t know why you put up with her,” Seokjin spits viciously. Hoseok avoids his gaze. “I mean, she was nice when we first met but that rainbow hating bitch needs to be out soon.”

Does it speak a lot about Hoseok that he doesn’t even defend her anymore?

“She asked me to come here.” Namjoon raises his eyebrows and Hoseok sighs. “I was just being weird so she assumed it was because she was taking all of my time.”

“Huh. She’s growing an actual brain cell, I am shook.”

“Jin hyung.” Namjoon quips and Seokjin falls silent. “Hoseok is here for us, not to talk about her. It would be nice to talk about something else.”

Hoseok always wonders how it would feel like, to have this kind of relationship. It’s not like things have always been perfect between Seokjin and Namjoon, but it’s comfortable. Whether as a couple or as friends, they have each other’s backs, and even when they are disagreeing, they somehow never forget.

Hoseok thinks it would be nice.

“Sorry, Hoseok. It was probably uncalled for.” Hoseok waves it off. “What brought you here other than her?”

“Nothing.” Hoseok can’t really tell him that his life became a lot more complicated within the hours of the evening. He can’t tell them the truth without telling them that hey, actually I’m not straight like I said I was and I’ve slept with boys before. Even when I said I haven’t.

They don’t push. They never have; Hoseok takes his time coming clean about his thoughts and the two of them have always been very patient. “I just felt really restless and bored.”

“So you hang out with us? Wow, you’re so sad, Seok.” Seokjin laughs, and it brings one out of Hoseok as well. He turns towards Namjoon.

“Hey, what were you working on earlier?”

Namjoon finally lights up. Namjoon loves talking about music or what he’s producing, or really, any topic that people are interested in. He’d once drunk talked about the history of dance with Hoseok, with the result that Hoseok felt pretty stupid about his own passion.

“It’s for this new boy group actually, but I really like their concept. It’s fresh and they’re leaning more towards hip-hop.” Namjoon eats with vigour and gets some kimchi on his shirt, and Seokjin sighs. “But that isn’t even the best part. Guess who I’m working on this track with.”

Seokjin groans again, and Hoseok guesses that Namjoon must have already talked his ear off. “Um, I’m not aware of a lot of producers. Who is it?”

“Min Yoongi, dude. Min freaking Yoongi.”

Cue the coughing fit that makes Hoseok think he’s reached the gates of hell.

Seokjin pats his back while Namjoon pours him some water. “You know him?”

Hoseok wishes he didn’t. He wishes desperately at the universe that his life didn’t connect him to Kim freaking Taehyung.

First Jimin. Now Yoongi. Of course, his luck would bring Namjoon and Yoongi close to each other, even if it was professional.

“Um, yeah. He’s a good friend of Jimin’s.”

“Oh, your dance studio partner, right?” Namjoon asks, and Hoseok nods. Both Namjoon and Seokjin have met the younger, and had taken an immediate liking to him. Hoseok suspects that Seokjin actually talks regularly to Jimin, because the few times he’s mentioned something that happened in the studio, Seokjin somehow knows.

“Neat. We’re supposed to meet tomorrow, do you want to come with?”

Namjoon knows that Hoseok is interested in the process of music making. It seems like a fun activity plus because of his dance, Hoseok is familiar with a lot of aspects. He’s often helped Namjoon in adding layers to some of his tracks.

His immediate answer before would have been a yes. But Hoseok is nervous now. He knows that Taehyung and Yoongi are close friends. Would Taehyung be there? Would he make references and make Hoseok a nervous wreck?

He vetoes the idea the moment it comes to his head for two reasons: Taehyung didn’t seem like the kind to be into music, at least professionally (even though Hoseok knew next to nothing about him), and it didn’t seem like Yoongi mixed his professional and personal life. Hoseok gives his confirmation.

He’s tired of being scared of Taehyung. Of what he could do.

✵

The next day he wakes up on the couch, having stayed over. The night had been a temporary Band-Aid to what he really needed, but Hoseok hasn’t ever liked facing his issues. He can still feel the beer in his blood and in his empty stomach.

He checks his phone to several missed calls from Heeyeon and some texts. Hoseok doesn’t bother checking them, and maybe that is suicide- Heeyeon hates being ignored. But Hoseok has taken something of a destructive path these days, holding up a match against Heeyeon’s phosphorous and waiting for the spark to start a fire. Hoping that it burns something down. Burns them down.

He sits on the couch for some time- enough that the sun is strong in the living room when Namjoon walks out- or rather, stumbles out, his eyes barely open. “You’re up?”

“Yeah.”

“Didn’t sleep?”

“No, I did.” He can see Namjoon’s tense shoulders drop. Hoseok’s known to have patterns of insomnia occasionally and he tends to get worse without sleep. There definitely have been moments in the past where Hoseok’s struggled because of Heeyeon and had either Namjoon or Seokjin (or sometimes, both of them) to talk to him in the odd hours of the night.

The feeling of gratefulness fills him up.

They begin getting ready; half an hour later Seokjin joins. Hoseok helps him cook breakfast. Namjoon is banned since the Great Kitchen Incident some years ago when he accidentally set the microwave on fire. He just stands there for moral support now, sipping coffee and listening to Hoseok and Seokjin ramble or make jokes (at Seokjin’s end).

They leave together. The air carries the chill of oncoming winter, and Hoseok can see the trees running bare. It feels a little foreboding to him, how this is happening as winter approaches. He wonders if the spring will be better or worse.

They reach the café that Namjoon asked Yoongi to meet him at; it’s a quaint place, calm and mostly empty but not sad. It houses mostly people who seem to work early on. Hoseok remembers that he has his dance studio in another hour or so. He finds Yoongi sitting in one corner, some sort of equipment open already along with a notebook he seems to be writing in.

He seems a little surprised to see Hoseok there. From what Hoseok gathered, Yoongi isn’t big on conversation, but he cares. He could see it in the way he burst out smiling with Taehyung and the way they held hands. He isn’t open with strangers and for all purposes, Hoseok is very much one.

He still nods at Hoseok, though, and he supposes that’s good enough.

“Hey, Yoongi. Sorry if we were late.” Namjoon says as they take a seat. Yoongi only waves it off.

“Hey, Hoseok. Didn’t know you knew Namjoon.”

“I didn’t know you were working together either,” he replies with a smile. “We know each other from university.”

Yoongi nods and doesn’t ask further, and Hoseok is a little flustered by this- he can break silences or fill conversations but this is new to him. Even Namjoon, who had been the most reserved person he’d met till date, had been a lot more open.

Namjoon sets up his equipment when Hoseok hears an excited little gasp. He turns to find himself being back hugged by none other than Park Jimin.

Fuck. Jimin’s here?

He casts out a panicked gaze for Taehyung and calms a little when he doesn’t see the man. Meanwhile, Jimin is sitting across him, a tray of takeaway coffee placed in front of him.

“Hyung!” Jimin exclaims. He’s wearing a simple pair of tracks and he is barefaced, which is how Hoseok has always liked him. “What are you doing here?”

Hoseok points towards Namjoon, who’s talking to Yoongi. “College friend.”

Jimin’s eyes widen. “No way. This is so cool.” He gulps the coffee.

“What is?”

“Just how people connect and the world is so small!” Hoseok smiles at Jimin’s excitement. He’s aware of how much Jimin adores making people meet. When he’d first come to Hoseok’s studio and gotten close to Hoseok, he’d begged to meet Seokjin and Namjoon.

Hoseok is also aware of how small the world is. It’s one thing to hear it in passing, it’s another to live it in front of him like a movie. Never did Hoseok think he’d meet Taehyung so soon and so dramatically as he did.

Hoseok has zoned out again because Jimin seems to be excitedly suggesting something to both Yoongi and Namjoon; he sees Yoongi shrug and Namjoon nod. Jimin then turns to Hoseok with expectant eyes and Hoseok gives an apologetic look. “Sorry. Could you repeat that?”

Jimin rolls his eyes. “I said, we should go out clubbing tomorrow. All of us.”

Hoseok doesn’t mind. He loves letting loose, getting drunk and dancing with Jimin and setting the dance floor on fire. Although keeping the last time he let loose in a club in mind, he should avoid clubs.

Habits. Habits are dangerous.

“Sure.” Then he frowns. “Wait. Who’s included in ‘we’?”

“Well. You, me, Namjoon hyung and Seokjin hyung, Yoongi hyung, Guk, and Tae.”

Hoseok feels his throat dry up. He feels the ‘no’ on the tip of his tongue and he wants to choke it out before he swallows it. But he sees Jimin’s eyes shine at the prospect and he sees that for once Namjoon is willing too, and Hoseok can’t. Hoseok swallows it.

“Yeah, that sounds fun.” He tries for his best smile, feels the way it stretches his jaws to the point of hurting them. A mask always at the ready, he thinks bitterly.

He tries not to think about the inevitable as he talks with Jimin. Occasionally he asks Yoongi questions and the guy is actually helpful, answering all of Hoseok’s doubts with the utmost sincerity. Hoseok thinks that aloof and intimidating as Yoongi appears, he’s not that much. If someone as boisterous as Taehyung (at least from that evening at the café) can get through, Hoseok thinks he won’t be far behind.

An hour passes by in a flash, and soon he and Jimin have to leave for their dance studio. They bid Yoongi and Namjoon goodbye before setting off, their paces matching. Hoseok is aware that he zones out several times as they walk and that he’s alive at this point by pure muscle memory alone, having walked the familiar route innumerably.

They find some of their students already present and greet them. Hoseok opens the lock for them, but before he can enter Jimin stops him, a firm hand on his shoulder. His face isn’t the excited puppy look he had but something serious yet soft. Hoseok waits. He knows this Jimin; it’s the one that unlocks secrets or rather, patiently waits as you spill everything and then he cleans up.

“Hyung, are you OK?” He asks in an impossibly soft voice. Hoseok gulps a little. He’d forgotten that Park Jimin’s eyes were sharper than a hawk’s, that cheery and ditzy as he acts he keeps track, always.

“Whatever do you mean, Jimin-ah?”

“You know what I mean, hyung,” Jimin says. He maintains eye contact as he puts on his beanie. “You haven’t been you lately. I noticed you and Heeyeon noona are back together. But you’re not you. Are you really alright?”

Kind, kind Jimin. Hoseok wonders briefly if this is the reason why lonely, closed off Taehyung confided in Jimin, seemed to trust him. Hoseok has known Jimin only a little more than a year now, but it feels like it’s been lifetimes. Hoseok wouldn’t blame anyone who trusted Jimin.

Hoseok slumps a little and gives him a smile. He knows it’s not his best one. A crack in the mask, but not entirely visible. “Yeah, Jimin. Just tired lately, and it’s taking some time adjusting to Heeyeon again. That’s all.”

Jimin hums. He knows that Jimin doesn’t like Heeyeon but hides it very, very well, like Seokjin. The difference between the two is that Seokjin openly tells it to his face that he could run Heeyeon over and not blink an eye. Jimin is the sugar that can slowly replace the blood and give you a life-long disease if you jilt it. Hoseok knows that should Heeyeon really mess up, Jimin would wreck everything. Until then, he would respect Hoseok.

He supposes that he should like that but he doesn’t. Hoseok can’t be trusted, is too much of a coward to really take that step and fall. He instead chooses to sit and drag himself through the mud because at least that is in his control.

Jimin pats him, though his eyes still holding that soft promise of a healing hand should Hoseok need it. “If you’re sure, hyung.”

“For now, I am.”

When did I’m sure turn into a turn into a maybe, as if it now had a ticking clock on it?

The answer speaks of a plain motel room in the moonlight, white sheets, and night lights, ash and smoke heavy in the air and a pair of eyes watching him with acceptance like nothing else he’d ever seen.

The dance routine allows for Hoseok to push everything away. He focuses on the way his lungs burn or the muscles in his feet; the sweat making his hair and clothes stick to his hot skin. Hoseok loves these moments and he hasn’t been having them lately, so he snatches them when he can.

Dance is a little ruined for him though, he thinks, when he remembers purple and gold and a body leaning into him that night one week ago.

~

~

The news has Taehyung clapping his hands excitedly and Jimin watching him with fondness as he selects the clothes he wants to wear.

Taehyung didn’t pack a lot but he always has clubwear everywhere he goes, because one never knows when they want to party the night away or who to seduce.

Taehyung hasn’t felt excited this genuinely for a while now. Clubs were hunting grounds and a way to replace the blood with alcohol, or if he felt like it a way to get higher than the clouds. But this feeling thrums along with the heartbeat and Taehyung grabs it while he can.

“Who’s joining us?” He asks as he ruffles his hair. The blonde ends are getting longer and Taehyung thinks he should get them cut soon. Jimin is by his side adding a hint of glitter to his eyes. He always did like make-up a lot.

“Everyone.” Taehyung makes a confused face. “Yoongi hyung and Gukkie, and Hoseok hyung and his friends.”

Taehyung’s hands pause mid styling. “Hoseok?”

Jimin meets his eyes in the reflection with a frown. “Yo, what’s with the lack of honorific? You did that the first time too. Hoseok hyung was really nice to you, but he hates not being addressed properly.”

“Right, sorry.” Taehyung looks away even though his hair is still paused as if they haven’t gotten over the news. “Hoseok hyung will be there?”

“Yeah, I usually go clubbing with him. He’s a party animal.”

Taehyung is well aware. He’s well aware of club Hoseok, the way he grabs attention (grabbed his attention) and the way he owns the club for a few minutes. Jimin isn’t very far behind, maybe on par with Hoseok actually, and Taehyung thinks tonight might end up being a different kind of wild.

He begins combing through his hair again. “And will Heeyeon noona be joining us?”

“Uh, not to my knowledge, no. Hoseok told me it isn’t her scene; she’s barely come some four or five times in the entire time I’ve gone with him. Why?” Jimin looks at Taehyung and he avoids the gaze. His hands are out but thank god they’re occupied with his hair, or else Jimin would have seen how they shook.

From anticipation.

“Just like that.” Taehyung shrugs and then breathes. He can feel Jimin’s lingering gaze of curiosity, and Taehyung reminds himself to be careful. Jimin is a hawk; he sees more than people think he can and it’s a little scary when you want to hide.

They leave the apartment and wait for Jeongguk to pick them up. He arrives, Yoongi sitting in the front dressed in all black which is the best Yoongi will ever do. Jeongguk too is in black but he’s put in the effort at least; hair styled in a signature comma style and a leather jacket over his t-shirt.

They park the car and Taehyung gets out, feeling the almost frigid wind raise goosebumps along his skin. The club in front of him looks good. It’s his first time coming here. As he gazes along the line, his eyes latch on three familiar people near the entrance.

Hoseok looks like a God and Taehyung can’t breathe.

He seems to be talking good-naturedly to the bouncer, who seems equally happy to see Hoseok. What he’s wearing isn’t anything special but it’s everything to Taehyung. It reminds him of the attire that night, the leather pants and the silver tank showing his slender self. He’s wearing a champagne coloured one and honestly, it’s unfair. It’s so damn unfair that Taehyung has to like him out of all people. Had to fall for him.

The bouncer allows Hoseok entry and Jimin whispers that Hoseok has performed many showcases for the club and is a favourite and a regular. Hoseok turns and his eyes light up when they land on Jimin, dimming a little when they land on Taehyung next to him.

Taehyung supposes he should feel satisfied but he doesn’t. It just hurts a little that he’d probably be never at the receiving end of Hoseok’s joy ever again. He wonders where the justified anger went off to. Maybe it’s because Heeyeon isn’t there and Taehyung doesn’t feel that sort of challenge, of having the power to take Hoseok from right beneath her nose.

A bright smile takes over Hoseok’s face as if that moment didn’t pass between them, and once again Taehyung is floored with how well Hoseok slips on those masks, how he becomes another person altogether.

“Hey, Taehyung! I hope you’re doing well?”

Taehyung has no choice but to play along. “Yes, I am, hyung, thanks for asking.” Then he comes a little closer and loudly whispers. He gets a scent he isn’t familiar with into his nose, but it smells good. Really good. “Jiminie told me you’re something of a party animal. I want to see a performance today, hyung.”

He can play along but on his terms. He sees the way Hoseok slightly stiffens while maintaining that smile. Taehyung remembers wanting to wipe it away the first time he saw it, and something of that comes now- but for very different reasons.

“I will, Taehyung-ssi, don’t worry,” he replies. “I’m curious to know how you are in a club setting.” Then Hoseok clears his throat. “All of you, actually.” He adds when he realises that the others are there too.

Taehyung has to be careful. Not for Hoseok but his own sake.

They enter and Taehyung is enveloped with the throbbing sounds blasting through the speakers. Jimin drags him to the bar first and orders a round of shots. Taehyung welcomes the heat of the drinks, the way it quenches him and leaves him wanting more.

Tonight Taehyung will enjoy himself, his sorry life be damned.

Taehyung just doesn’t know what all the night will entail.

✵

Maybe Taehyung should have learned by now that mixing alcohol and Hoseok and the pretty lights of the club together would never, ever yield a good result.

But Taehyung doesn’t learn, has never learned much from his mistakes. He plods on and on, stumbling around and stepping on the glass, watching the blood ooze and stepping some more, because he loves the pain.

Shot after shot later Taehyung is in that familiar headspace, the one where he’s floating and making sounds of wonder at the way his eyes blur the lights above him, the way the heat of so many human bodies press around him. He welcomes it, letting hands skim his skin and his own hold on to others’ necks. He’s been separate from Jimin for some time now but he doesn’t panic; he knows where to find the others.

The song is low and heavy and licks its hot tongue into his eardrums and Taehyung revels in this. He closes his eyes and feels himself floating some more. When he opens his eyes next, however, he finds them on Hoseok.

Hoseok, who is standing on the side by the bar and just…staring at him.

There’s nothing in that stare, no wonder or shock or surprise. It’s just a plain old stare but it captivates Taehyung, makes him rooted to the spot even as bodies sway around him. He feels the hand of one of the random guys he danced with at the small of his back and the way the guy swipes a thumb at his neck, but Taehyung stares at Hoseok only.

He sees Hoseok’s face shift slightly. As if he wants to get between them and tell the guy to fuck off. And then take his place.

Taehyung looks away and holds the guy’s face, swipes a thumb on plump lips. The guy’s eyes are heavily lidded as his lips wrap around Taehyung’s thumb and suck. It’s hot, it’s always something that turns on Taehyung but this time, Taehyung looks at Hoseok. Looks at the way Hoseok stiffens and then gulps his drink.

Taehyung looks away, chuckling. The man before him looks like he could come right there, he looks so out of it. It’s so easy for Taehyung to play with all the others. So easy to meet anyone, have them begging to get a taste of him.

Taehyung contemplates taking the guy aside for some time and fill the void in himself when he feels the guy give a cry of surprise and back away. His mind is slow to catch up to the events, but he finds Hoseok next to him, giving a saccharine smile to the man.

“Sorry, I believe you lost your way. He belongs to me.” The guy only gives a confused look before shrugging and walking away. Hoseok watches him go, his shoulders taut. Then he turns around and maybe Taehyung is seeing too much, because are his eyes blazing?

“Hoseok, what the fuck-”

“Shut up.” He feels Hoseok latch onto his wrist and drag him somewhere. They enter the bathrooms and Taehyung blinks at the deep blue lights- meant to stop junkies from shooting up. He blinks at the way Hoseok looks at him as he drags them into an empty cubicle and slams the door shut. It’s a position similar to the last time they were in a bathroom but this time, Hoseok seems to be barely restraining himself. Taehyung leans against the door, limbs heavy and unsteady and Hoseok has a hand on his hips.

Hoseok is shaking as he swipes Taehyung’s hair and runs a finger down the column of his throat, something like desperation and pain and relief on his face. He puts his one thumb and closes his eyes when Taehyung sucks at it. “Tell me this is OK. Please tell me this is OK.”

No one has ever asked Taehyung. Everyone assumes a yes and they feast on him hungrily and Taehyung lets them because he doesn’t care anymore. But maybe he does care, maybe he did care and that’s why he was so fixated on Hoseok, a random stranger who asked him before every kiss they ever shared.

Taehyung nods because he’s wanted nothing more.

And so a week later Taehyung feels those familiar warm lips tasting of sugary cocktails and opens up his mouth- and feels heaven. Hoseok is impossibly soft yet assertive and Taehyung almost gasps at the feeling, reliving what he’s been craving for so long. Hoseok smells good but different, and Taehyung finds himself bringing him closer and wrapping his hands into the soft dark tendrils.

Hoseok moves his mouth to Taehyung’s neck and he moans as he feels the flat of his tongue press into his skin, and then teeth caressing the area before sucking into his skin. He’s on seventh heaven and Taehyung closes his eyes.

Hoseok stops and he pulls away, breathing hard as if he ran an entire marathon.

“You drive me mad, Taehyung.” Hoseok leans again and pecks again, as he can’t help himself anymore. “You drive me absolutely fucking insane and I hate that. I hate that so much.”

“Do you?” Taehyung lazily asks as he runs a tongue down Hoseok’s neck and Hoseok moans. Taehyung realises he’d wanted to do this that first night but never got a chance to, not really.

“I do.” Hoseok regains the control he loves and pushes Taehyung again. “But I can’t stop myself. I can’t stop myself from you.”

“I know.” He opens his mouth again for Hoseok to taste and experiment. “What about Heeyeon?”

“Don’t say her name. Not now.”

“Why? Because you’re still hiding and cheating?”

“You don’t know how to shut up, do you?” Hoseok pulls back, lust and irritation mixed in his eyes. Taehyung deliberately licks his lips and feels a thrilling sensation run down his spine when Hoseok follows it and licks his own.

“No. Do it for me.”

It’s all Hoseok needs and Taehyung is drowning again, arching into the door as the slender fingers run down his back and hips and clutch his hair into the fists, moans at the resounding pain it sends down his entire head and straight down south. I love this.

I love you.

Dangerous, petty towards himself, but it cuts him like the glass he likes walking on and he watches the wound of the words ooze in his mind. It doesn’t make sense, it shouldn’t make sense, but Taehyung has never made sense- he feels like he was born backward, feet first into the world and that’s why he’s the way he is. Everything is wrong where he’s concerned.

So maybe he can fall for someone after a one night stand, and after a week of tense meetings and anger. Only he can.

Hoseok kisses him like this is the last time he can, and maybe it is. Taehyung doesn’t care anymore if Hoseok likes him or whether he should pay because the knowledge that Hoseok will always want him is carved into his skin. He won’t pursue Hoseok anymore even if Hoseok is the medicine Taehyung needs to save himself from his life. He remembers that night when he wished for Hoseok’s happiness; if Taehyung makes him unhappy then he won’t pursue him.

Taehyung groans when Hoseok drops to his knees, eyes beseechingly innocent as they unzip the pants. Groans when Hoseok takes charge and shows him that he did see Taehyung getting his thumb sucked.

He brought Hoseok to his knees, but why is Taehyung the one who is falling?

Hoseok is relentless and Taehyung comes with a cry even as Hoseok sucks him dry. He gets up and wipes his mouth and then kisses him. It’s disgusting probably but Taehyung loves it, loves that bitter taste and knowing that he’s marked Hoseok in more ways than one in a sick but fascinating way.

They unlock the door and come out, and any person in the toilet is too drunk to give a fuck. Hoseok washes his mouth and then corners Taehyung against the sink. “I wish we didn’t have to leave.”

“We don’t. All you have to do is stop.” Taehyung whispers. He knows it’s useless.

Hoseok looks at him with sorry eyes and then kisses him again. It’s not like before; it’s soft and kind, like kissing flower petals one by one and leaving the thorns. It breaks Taehyung’s heart.

Hoseok grew a flower in him and he sighs as he watches the first petal fall.

In his lost state Taehyung thinks he hears a gasp, but when he opens his eyes he only sees a disappearing dark head. He shrugs.

“I wish I could, Tae.”

“I wish you could, too.”

~

~

The next day finds Hoseok nursing one bitch of a headache- and failing.

When he woke up, he found himself in the clubbing clothes reeking of alcohol and sweat and lilies. A faint lingering scent, possibly from Taehyung.

He’d crashed into the couch so as to not wake Heeyeon up. Hoseok had cleaned up as well as he could, fixed himself breakfast and then left for his studio.

He wasn’t even surprised at how little guilt he felt for last night, and that spoke a lot about how depraved he’d become, how lost in his own immorality. Last night what his choice and no one else’s, not even the alcohol or even Taehyung. Taehyung was single and he didn’t have the weight of others behind him; Hoseok did.

Hoseok didn’t care.

He didn’t care, or rather he forgot to care, when he saw Taehyung in the centre, moving without a care in the world, no rhyme or reason or rhythm to his actions, just pure joy. He didn’t care because he saw that guy sidling up to Taehyung and he saw the way he sucked Taehyung’s thumb, and how Taehyung had looked at him throughout.

It was then that Hoseok had lost it and done his walk of shame and lust and everything in between. But when he woke up today, he didn’t feel the shame, not even when he saw Heeyeon’s sleeping form on their bed.

All you have to do is stop.

So easy yet so monumentally tough. But at least that sick feeling of guilt was gone for the time being.

He got to his studio and was surprised to see Jimin already present. Jimin was notorious for being a couple of minutes late and to see him well before time felt off to Hoseok.

He greeted Jimin but he was met with silence and the barest of nods. Something was definitely off. Smiling Jimin and not greeting people?

Hoseok felt awkwardness release from his pores but felt unable to really do anything other than playing the music and dance their choreographies for the upcoming show. It was just the two of them before the students came in. Jimin made several mistakes and that wasn’t abnormal, he always took time to get into the flow. But he would always beat himself up after that and this time Jimin just silently started all over again.

Hoseok couldn’t bear it anymore.

“Ok, stop.” He shut the system off. “What is up with you?”

“Nothing.”

“Jimin. You’re messing up more than usual and I know it can’t be because of the hangover, you bounce back well from those. Is everything alright? Did something happen?”

Jimin finally looks up and Hoseok recoils a little at the blazing anger in his eyes.

“I don’t know, hyung, why don’t you tell me?” He spits out, tightly clutching the water bottle he’d been holding.

“Me? What do I tell you?”

Jimin makes a scoffing noise and it’s the first time Hoseok has been on the receiving end of it. “Hmm, how about you tell me why the fuck were you sucking my best friend’s face last night.”

Oh. OH.

The guilt comes rushing back, and Hoseok doesn’t have an answer. There’s so many things that could go wrong here, so many implications. How Hoseok never told Jimin about his sexuality. Or that he and Taehyung know each other. Or even that he’s actively cheating on Heeyeon.

Words fail him. Hoseok feels his mouth fall open and close as Jimin gets progressively more annoyed.

“I…I…maybe you saw someone else, Jimin-”

“Save the bullshit, hyung.” Jimin begins packing his stuff as if making to leave. “Cancel today’s class, I can’t even look at you right now without wanting to punch your lights out.”

“Jimin-”

Jimin whirls around. Hoseok backs away because he’s never seen the brunt of Jimin’s anger, not like this. “No, tell me this: how could you? You barely met Taehyung and you have a goddamn girlfriend, hyung, what the fuck are you doing?”

“Jimin, just hear me-”

“Look, I don’t know what you think you’re doing but leave Taehyung out of this, OK?” Jimin steps in close and Hoseok feels so small. “Leave him alone, he doesn’t deserve this at all. Slut yourself out to whoever the fuck you want.”

The words raise the bubble of anger in his stomach. “Shut the fuck up, Jimin.”

“Excuse me?”

“I mean it.” Hoseok exhales and then looks up. “Don’t speak if you don’t know what happened or why. So I’m asking you to shut up and listen to me. If you want.”

Jimin looks ready to bolt but hesitates. The anger rolls off him and Hoseok really doesn’t want to explain but he can’t lose Jimin. Jimin’s helped him a lot and he knows logically that Jimin would choose Taehyung, of course he would, but Hoseok wants a fighting chance.

Jimin turns around and Hoseok feels close to breaking, but he sees Jimin turn the studio’s sign to Closed, shut the door and send a quick text. Hoseok feels his phone buzz in his pocket.

“Fine. Explain.”

Hoseok almost sobs with relief as he sits down next to Jimin. Jimin’s shoulders are taut and Hoseok supposes it’s the best he can ask for. Hoseok wonders what to tell. He senses that Jimin is more upset about his tryst with Taehyung than anything else.

“You know how Heeyeon and I broke up, right?”

Jimin nods. Technically Hoseok had given the vaguest of details. The truth was that Heeyeon and he were fraying on edges for quite some time before they broke up, but putting a bandage over the raw wound through sex and ignorance. What had started as a harmless comment on Hoseok’s end had blown up with two years’ worth of pent-up rage and hurt that all came out.

“Well, we didn’t speak for three weeks after that and you know how I was. Finally, Seokjin got frustrated and suggested a trip to a nearby place in Seoul only.” Hoseok takes a deep breath. No, he can’t tell him exactly what happened because that means really telling and Hoseok isn’t brave enough, not yet. “The thing is, I’ve met Taehyung before.”

Jimin widens his eyes. “You have?”

“Yeah. We just met at the club I went to during that trip. So it was a surprise to see Taehyung with you at the café.”

“I see.” Jimin clucks his tongue, a confused look on his face. “It still doesn’t explain last night.”

“I’m getting there.” Hoseok exhales again. “I guess I was still upset with Heeyeon. And I was drunk and Taehyung was there and that’s it.” Jimin looks affronted again, ready to mouth off Hoseok. “I don’t blame anyone but myself, Jimin. I know I did wrong and I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologise to me, apologise to him.” Jimin replies in a clipped tone. “Hyung, I’ve never understood why you and Heeyeon noona stuck together especially when she’s so…weird about a lot of things, but I meant what I said before. Break it off with her or not but don’t experiment with Tae. He doesn’t deserve it, he’s had too much of a shitty life to deal with being your play toy.”

Experiment. Yes, of course Jimin would think that, because he still believes that Hoseok is the Straight Guy^TM he’s made himself to be and that Taehyung was a drunken mistake in a washroom. He understands Jimin’s anger now, just a little bit. But he wants to know a little bit more.

“I understand.” Hoseok and Jimin are silent but he senses that the conversation isn’t as closed as it looks like. “He’s an interesting guy though. But why does he look so sad, Jimin?”

It’s not unusual of Hoseok to ask such a personal question of a stranger (at least, in Jimin’s eyes). Hoseok is known to be just as perceptive as Jimin, it’s one of the ways they got along so well. Jimin’s eyes turn a little guarded.

“I don’t think that’s my story to tell, hyung.”

“I know. It’s just that he laughs so much and then the next moment he looks like he’s mourning the death of his life.” Jimin gives him a quizzical look.

“Wow, you’ve managed to observe a lot,” and Hoseok hides his eyes from Jimin. According to Jimin Hoseok’s only met Taehyung twice and that too in a large friend circle. “But you’re right. Taehyung is…complicated.”

Jimin ponders a little, and Hoseok feels a little shitty for putting him in such a position, for feigning curiosity and ignorance and asking for details about Taehyung. But the sentiment from earlier stands; he wants to know Taehyung. He wants to know the guy inside out rather than just his sinful body and sounds.

Jimin sighs. “He’s just had a really…weird life, you know? His parents were always working and they weren’t always home, or rather, they weren’t ever there. He only had his grandparents to raise him and then they died, and I think a little part of Taehyung died with them. He wasn’t the same after it happened.”

Hoseok remembers the sad way in which Taehyung told him that one tiny detail of his life. How he ran away from home because it felt so sad and he couldn’t bear it.

“He ran away. He knew me for a year by then but it honestly felt like we’d known each other our whole lives.” Jimin smiles at this, fondness growing in his eyes. “I was new to Seoul in high school and no one wanted to be my friend- my Busan accent showed, I guess. No one except Taehyung. He became family.”

Hoseok can tell as much; it shows in the way they gravitate towards each other, the way they talk to each other. “What happened when he ran away?”

“It isn’t as dramatic as it sounds. My parents took him in; they absolutely adored him. Taehyung lied to them, though, told them that his parents were horrid and with his grandma gone he thought he was in danger. My parents just lapped it up. I was the only one who knew the truth.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah, that’s one reaction.” Jimin shrugs, eyes sad. “But he was miserable, he was so damn miserable- and I think being around me helped him. But then he started getting more distant. He’d be away from home for hours, he’d skip school a lot. Then he left for good. I had no idea where he was for a good six months until I found him at my dorm room looking like death.”

Hoseok wonders how someone goes through friendship like that and keeps the warmth and smiles alive. Jimin is astounding. “He probably didn’t tell you much.”

“No, he didn’t. It used to kill me in the beginning but I’ve learned to love him like that. He disappears from time to time, and I let him even though I’d like nothing more than to wrap him up and keep him close.” Jimin smiles to himself. “I let him because I’ve told him he has to come back. And Taehyung does even though I know he wants to leave as soon as possible.”

Hoseok can feel Jimin’s hurt in the air. A drifter; Taehyung’s loneliness made sense. Is that why he came back? Was Hoseok one of the few people who made him want to stay?

It couldn’t be. He was just Hoseok. A perpetual problem, someone who hid in public and wasn’t ever truthful.

“Taehyung’s done…a lot of things in his life. Some I know and some I don’t. He’s been hurt a lot, hyung, he feels a lot and he pretends that it doesn’t but Taehyung just disassociates most of the time. He likes to think he doesn’t need people but he does. And he loves too much.” Jimin shudders and his eyes look a little wet. “He gets attached to people easily and people haven’t been that nice to him. Or rather he is attracted to such people. And you’re a good person, hyung- if you give him the wrong impression he might not be able to come out of you. So, please. Please don’t experiment and give him the wrong idea.”

Hoseok nods even as the shame burns and rips through him worse than a third degree. He has given the wrong impression, he has created a mark on Taehyung, enough for the guy to come all the way to Seoul, to a place that probably doesn’t hold good memories for him. He’s hurt him not just once or twice but thrice if he takes last night into account.

From what he understands from Jimin’s story, Taehyung is impulsive and has long since stopped caring about consequences or what his actions can do to him. Hoseok understands because there are moments when he feels like that, the need to press the start button to an explosion and revel in the aftermath, watch it peel off his layers and watch the shrapnel dig into his skin. But Taehyung is brave enough to follow through and do it while Hoseok takes the wounds and licks them and stays. Watches the shrapnel get out and then in and keeping silent about the pain.

“I’m sorry again, Jimin-ah,” Hoseok says. He is sorry. He’s sorry that he went out and met a good but sad soul, he’s sorry that he allowed himself to get wrapped up and sewn into each other, and he’s sorry that he still continued even though he saw Taehyung’s disappointment last night.

He is so sorry.

Jimin nods as he gets up. “I’ll explain about Heeyeon to him, if you want? I think it’ll get awkward.”

Right. Heeyeon was still a thing is his life. “That would be nice; I wouldn’t mind doing it but-”

“Yeah. I’d manage better.” Jimin smirks as he packs up. “I’m sorry for the way I yelled at you, hyung. Even though I think you deserved it.”

“I did. I’m glad we had this talk, Jimin.”

“And one more thing,” Jimin says as he hesitates at the door. “If you meet him again, don’t look at him with pity or anything because you know a little. Taehyung hates that more than anything in the world.”

Then he leaves and Hoseok feels more conflicted than before.

~

~'

Taehyung’s morning began happily and ended into the familiar space of conflict and sadness and regret.

Taehyung doesn’t get hangovers and that is a blessing- until he usually blacks out and can’t remember anything. But he remembers everything from last night, and happiness bubbles inside his stomach even as sadness was close behind, waiting to catch him unaware.

Hoseok likes him. He knows it. Even though Hoseok doesn’t look like he will do anything but at least Taehyung hadn’t been dreaming. At least he hadn’t been a fool in following a stranger back to a city he wanted nothing to do with, even if nothing comes out of it.

Taehyung remembers his promise not to pursue Hoseok and it sits heavily on his tongue, tasting it. He doesn’t know yet if he wants to follow through on it. Hoseok wanted him, he willingly took him inside the bathroom and made him taste heaven again. But then Taehyung remembers his face, how pained and desperate he looked and he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want to be the reason Hoseok is sad or miserable and he doesn’t want scraps.

For the first time, Taehyung feels like standing up for himself.

When he comes out of the spare room, it’s late morning. He moves around at a snail’s pace as he prepares breakfast for himself in Jimin’s kitchen when he turns around- and almost spews out the orange juice he’d ingested.

Jimin is sitting at the kitchen table, arms crossed and face expressionless.

Taehyung hasn’t met that Jimin in a long time. Can’t recall the last time Jimin’s face was that blank.

Taehyung looks at the clock and then back. “Hi? Aren’t you supposed to be at the studio right now?”

“Class got cancelled.”

Maybe Hoseok wasn’t feeling well. He’s supposedly very serious about his dance, if Jimin’s praises were anything to go by. “Oh? Is Hoseok fine?”

Jimin’s shoulders tighten and Taehyung is about to correct himself and add that hyung (what a goddamn nuisance) when Jimin cuts him off. “He’s more than fine. He’s absolutely peachy.” Why does Jimin sound so strange? Like he’s mad, but it’s not obvious?

Taehyung feels anxiety grip him. It’s been a long time since Jimin’s been unreadable to him and he doesn’t like that feeling. Jimin is his person. He’s supposed to understand Jimin as seamlessly as water flowing through a river bed without rocks.

“So tell me something, Taehyung,” Jimin starts. His full name in his presence? “Tell me why I saw you making out with hyung yesterday. It’ll explain the lack of honorific probably.”

Shit.

Taehyung recalls the dark head he’d seen leaving, the gasp he’d heard. He’d never thought it would be Jimin who’d find them like that. “I-”

“And while you’re at it, tell me why you didn’t let me know that you knew Hoseok hyung.”

Taehyung’s throat dries up. It’s finally here and he isn’t prepared for it. He should have been, though. Jimin is much too smart to not figure out things as quickly as possible. He stays silent because he doesn’t know what to say.

“I don’t know.” He answers truthfully at last. He’s sitting across from Jimin and the distance between them seems symbolic of something and wedges into his heart. They’re always touching.

Jimin finally uncrosses his arms even as his face morphs into one of hurt. “You don’t lie to me, Taehyung. You’ve never lied to me.”

“I know.”

“Then why?” The hurt intensifies and Taehyung would do anything to have it go away, to have Jimin’s smile back. He did this. He hurt his best friend, his soulmate and his brother and Taehyung is so sorry. All he’s ever been is sorry. “What happened Tae? Why wouldn’t you tell me? And why did you kiss him when you know he’s dating already, I don’t understand-”

“I’ve met him before.”

“I know that. I asked Hoseok hyung that, that’s why I got the class cancelled.”

“Did…did he tell you something?”

“Is there something to tell?”

And that’s how Jimin gets people. It’s not dirty, it’s just a clever way of phrasing words in a way that you kind of have to tell him things. It always feels better, though. But Taehyung falls for the damn trick every single time.

He can feel Jimin’s gaze on him and he struggles to meet that for the first time in his life. He’s so afraid, so very afraid of getting him angry because Jimin isn’t like other people, he doesn’t forget or forgive easily because he doesn’t reach that level of anger fast. Taehyung’s been at the receiving end of it only a handful of times, and he’s known Jimin almost a decade now.

But he can’t lie. He knows if he does, Jimin might leave. Taehyung can’t handle that.

“I slept with him.”

He raises his eyes to meet Jimin’s eyes widening, colour leaching off his face. Maybe he thinks Taehyung is disgusting. He is surprised to find how the thought doesn’t pierce him with fear like it usually does.

“You slept with hyung?”

“Yeah. I don’t know what he told you, but we hit it off at the club I work at. And then one thing led to another and we fucked. He left, I stayed. I had no idea, Jimin-ah,” Taehyung pleads. “I had no idea he had a girlfriend. It was supposed to be a drunken mistake.”

“Taehyung. Hoseok hyung is straight, he doesn’t sleep with boys.”

Taehyung looks at him sadly and he sees Jimin come to the realisation while he utters those words. Maybe it isn’t his secret to tell, but he won’t hurt Jimin. He won’t, and he’s sure Jimin’s doubly hurt at the prospect of Hoseok lying to him too.

“You know it Jimin.”

“No, no,” Jimin says, voice frantic. “Maybe he’s experimenting, Tae, all he’s ever been is-”

“Hoseok is bi, Jimin. He told me, and he’s slept with boys before. He hasn’t told anyone because he told me- then- that his parents would have his hide.” Having the truth out there feels a little bit surreal. It’s just there, laid bare and it can’t be taken in again. Taehyung doesn’t want to.

“But you know.”

“I do. I felt sorry for him because people have said things to me, Jimin, but at least I don’t- I don’t have my parents to raise hell and make me feel like a criminal. Or a boyfriend or girlfriend. I felt sorry for him so I told him about running away.”

Jimin knows the implications of that. Only he, Yoongi and Jeongguk know and no one else, not a soul. Except for Hoseok.

He sees Jimin’s face change expressions at lightning speed, from shock to hurt to anger and then finally, settling into sadness.

“You came back for him, didn’t you?”

Taehyung feels his throat catch again. Jimin’s voice sounds so raw and so hurt, and how many times will he hurt Jimin? Not just this time or the last time but over and over again, breaking in front of him and letting him catch the pieces that fall, ignoring his voicemails and texts for months on end and showing up randomly- and still being accepted. How much was too much?

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want that, I want the fucking truth.” Jimin looks up, his eyes rimmed red with unshed tears. “Tell me. You came back for him, didn’t you?”

Taehyung can only nod. “I felt like- like a human for the first time in a long time, Jimin. He made me feel good about myself and I couldn’t- I couldn’t get him out of my mind. I didn’t even know he was here or he was your friend, it was a damn co-incidence.” Taehyung wants Jimin to understand that. Yes, he’s a horrible, selfish person for using Jimin’s warmth when his purpose was his own shitty life. But he needs Jimin to understand. He demands and demands and Jimin gives, he always gives. And like the bastard he is, he demands one more time.

Jimin breathes out even as a tear slips out. “Fuck.” Jimin pushes his hands through his hair. “Fuck, it finally makes sense. That day at the café. It finally makes sense.”

Taehyung gives a bitter chuckle. “Yeah. I wasn’t expecting Heeyeon noona there.”

“You both were so weird. You looked so pissed off, Tae, but I thought- I thought it was because I’d invited someone new without telling you. You were asking such weird questions, dude. Fuck,” Jimin exclaims again. “Something happened with him inside the bathroom, didn’t it? There wasn’t a creep.”

“Well, there is a creep, but he didn’t text me that night,” Taehyung shrugs. “Hoseok was pissed that I was making such relentless references to the club. He begged me to stop. He told me Heeyeon didn’t deserve that.”

“As if you did. Both of you were wronged.”

“I don’t know. It was supposed to be one-night stand; I made a big deal and got lost and made a decision. I don’t…I don’t feel wronged anymore.”

Jimin shrugs. “Maybe not then. But yesterday was wrong. Playing with you while dating noona was wrong and I need you to understand that.”

“I gave him the signal, Jimin-”

“Fuck. That.” Jimin walks over to him and grabs Taehyung’s face. He can feel the slight pressure on his cheeks. “You aren’t his fucking moral support system. He did wrong. He can be as miserable with noona or the world could be fucking ending or you could do what you did, but hyung is a grown man who needs to be accountable. He can’t play with you and lead you on. You don’t deserve that, it’s not fucking OK.”

“Jimin, it was my choice-”

“Taehyung. Cheating is cheating and hyung should have had the balls to break up with noona well before he did what he did,” Jimin leaves his face and huffs. “That stupid woman’s been making him miserable for a long time. I just didn’t know it was because he was bi and noona’s the number one hater if I ever met one.”

“So I was right. It’s her he’s been hiding from.”

“Oh, his parents aren’t far behind. That’s why they love her so much. It’s easier to not give a fuck about the parent part; they’re back home in Gwangju. Heeyeon’s the real deal.” Then he looks at Taehyung with soft eyes and Taehyung inhales in quick relief. His Jimin is back. All is right in the world. “You tell me why you were OK with it.”

“Does it matter?” Jimin nods. Here’s where some more revolting things come out. “I don’t care, Jimin. I’ve done it before, and I’ll do it again. I don’t care as long as I get someone. That’s why Hoseok was different.”

“What do you mean, you’ve done it before?”

“I’ve done that whole thing. Been the second one, been the homewrecker. I don’t care. I just wanted the loneliness to go away.” Taehyung feels the sob build in his chest and takes in a ragged breath as he realises how pathetic is sounds when he says it out loud. “I didn’t want to be alone and I- I didn’t want you, or Yoongi hyung or Jeonggukie to be near someone like me. I just didn’t want to be alone, Jiminie, and he made me feel like I’m wanted more than my body, he made me feel like I’m worth it and I just wanted that, I’m sorry, I’m-” The sobs don’t stop. He can feel Jimin climb into his lap and hold him close, caress fingers through his hair.

“No, shh, Tae, baby, you don’t have to apologise-” Jimin’s own voice sounds close to tears.

“-I’m so sorry, I’m sorry I lied to you and I’m sorry I’m never there when you need me and that I run away, I always fucking run away, and the one time I come back it’s not even for you but for some stupid fucking dream and hope because I never learn, and I hurt you and I’m sorry, I wish I wasn’t so horrible. I wish I wasn’t so fucking broken.”

“Tae, please.” He feels Jimin’s tears on his hair. “It’s okay, it’s okay, baby, you’re fine. You’re not broken, you’ve never been broken. No, don’t do that,” he says as Taehyung tries to deny. “You’re not. You can say that as many times as you want and I’ll never repeat it or say it back. You’re so whole and perfect to me, you’re the light I needed when I was so alone in this city, Tae. You made me who I am with your love, please don’t disrespect that by calling yourself broken.”

“But I hurt you, Jimin.”

“People hurt each other all the time, Tae, but we come back from it. We have come back from it. You hurt me because you were hurting yourself and I didn’t know, I still don’t half of it- but I love you. I always have and will.”

“I always leave.”

“But you always come back. You have and I know you do it for me and I’m so grateful that you do, even when you wish to hide longer. I need you to know that. And I need you to know, to understand, that you deserve a lot better than what you think you do. You really do. So if the one time you came back for yourself, I’m not going to be mad or upset about it. Because you thought about yourself and that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I want you to be happy, Taehyungie.”

Jimin wipes his tears, kisses his forehead with the utmost gentleness. Both of them are messy and heavily breathing from the impromptu crying, but Taehyung feels better.

“Hoseok makes me happy.”

Jimin’s tender look becomes sorrowful, and Taehyung knows why. It feels so hopeless and stupid. “Hoseok hyung…you deserve better, baby.”

“Maybe, maybe not. But he made me happy. He still does.”

“Hoseok hyung won’t…he’s a tricky one, Tae. He’s good, I won’t deny that, and he deserves better than the bitter fest that is Heeyeon noona, but he hides a lot. He has masks and he would rather suffer than change things. I won’t call him a coward but he is in this case. He has been for a long time. He’s been dating noona two years but he probably fell out of love a long time ago. And I don’t want someone like him to hurt you more, Tae.”

“But-”

“No. I don’t care if you’ve done this before or you’ve made yourself Ok with it- I know it hurts you. I can see it on your face. I don’t think you should be the second option or the one who has to be hidden like a secret when you deserve to shine and be shown to the world how special you are. Hoseok hyung gets scared easy. He has difficulty choosing the right option. So,” Jimin swallows. “Don’t go after him. Let someone come after you for once.”

He thinks about how he wanted to take a stand for himself…but by throwing himself at Hoseok’s feet. By begging for scraps and taking whatever was thrown at him, in hidden alleyways and badly lit bathrooms, mistakes made in the name of alcohol and weed and lust. He was willing as long as he got what he wanted.

But that wasn’t all that he wanted. He wanted to stay. He wanted to see Jimin whenever he wanted without feeling bad, he wanted to celebrate stupid things like anniversaries and birthdays and give flowers to the one he liked and loved. He wanted romantic picnics by the Han River and walks in the moonlight. He wanted to simply exist in the moment and not always be caught up in the sense of urgency.

He does want Hoseok. But he wants Hoseok to want him more than his face or his body or his eagerness to please. He wants Hoseok to stop pulling him into hidden places and beg for his non-judgment as he makes a mistake again. He deserves better. If Jimin believes him in then he can too.

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I deserve better.”

✵

He’s silent as Jimin tells him the news.

“You can say no, Tae. I’ll make something up.”

The news is that Seokjin wants to hang out with them again. Taehyung liked Seokjin too; he had an infectious personality and an even more contagious laugh. Namjoon was a little more silent but Taehyung could see how the two complemented each other.

Taehyung thinks about the no. He finds that it isn’t on his tongue anymore or in his heart.

I deserve better.

This time, he will tell Hoseok and ask for the respect he deserves. No more of Hoseok’s “I wish I would change” or whatever it is that he uses to justify his behaviour.

“No, it’s okay. I liked him. He was fun.” Taehyung says as he gets up and gets ready. It’s a noraebang this time and Taehyung is all in for badly sung ballads or girl group songs. He hasn’t had one of those in a long, long time.

The last time was probably with Jeongguk and Jimin; Yoongi hyung had chosen to sit out in the middle of every fucking song and bringing down their collective score as a result.

When they exit the cab and come in front of the small establishment, Taehyung feels a little restless. However, before he can change his mind he feels warm hands wrap in his own and a tight squeeze. Jimin looks at him with understanding and encouragement in his eyes.

“Be the brave person I know you are.” He whispers. Taehyung nods. He channels the bravery from the one reservoir that guides his impulsivity and brashness. Today he will begin standing up for himself.

Hoseok and his friends have already booked a room. Taehyung and Jimin are the last to join; Yoongi and Jeongguk are already there. Yoongi is speaking with Namjoon while Jeongguk chats animatedly with both Seokjin and Hoseok. Taehyung can see all of them being a thing, a tight bond he can feel. Unless he leaves.

But he doesn’t want to anymore.

Hoseok is mid laughter when they both sidle up to the crowd and he stops abruptly, guilt heavy in his eyes. Taehyung decides to be cordial and gives him a smile because there isn’t any method to their madness. He is tired.

It’s chaotic the moment their night starts. Taehyung unleashes the side he often hides, the loud hyperactive side that is fiercely competitive when he needs to be. The soju never stops and soon Taehyung’s mouth is numb- but he’s happy. Unlike the last few times he’s been drunk and made mistakes, he is content in just being.

Contentment. That’s a feeling he hasn’t had in a long, long time as well.

The alcohol makes him braver. Hoseok sat out the last couple of songs and Taehyung thinks, this is it. This is the moment.

He comes close to Hoseok and he can see him tensing up. The others are too caught up in their world though Taehyung can feel Jimin’s attentive gaze on him.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

“I was wondering if we could talk.”

“Talk?” Hoseok raises his eyebrows. Taehyung supposes it’s peculiar for them to talk because they do everything but that.

“Yeah.” Hoseok nods and wrings his hands as they exit the room. He can hear the calls of the others follow him but he knows Jimin will take care of them.

They’re in a relatively empty hallway, away from the obnoxiously loud music of the various occupied rooms. They face each other and it’s a little awkward like this, alone but not doing anything. Keeping their hands to themselves and their eyes as well.

Hoseok is the first to break the silence. “What did you want to talk about?”

Taehyung takes a deep breath. He had a whole speech in his mind but that was before the alcohol. Now it’s all mush and the words tumble out. “I just wanted to tell you that I’m done.” OK, not a bad beginning.

“With?”

“With all this.” He waves his hands around. “I’m done being some kind of escape for you or being the second one. I’m not happy with that at all. I think I deserve better and I think you do as well, so,” Taehyung breathes again and meets Hoseok’s eyes. “Make the damn choice, Hoseok. You can choose me or Heeyeon and we can be done with all this drama. And we stick to that choice.”

Taehyung waits for an awful amount of time after that, waiting for the reply. He has so many different scenarios but he just wants this to be over and why isn’t Hoseok saying anything?

Hoseok’s face is expressionless and that’s worse. He’s like Jimin; he doesn’t so blank, that much Taehyung’s noticed. Finally, he sighs.

“Tae. I think we need to stop this.”

What?

“Stop?”

“It was supposed to be a drunk fuck, Taehyung. It was just that.”

The Taehyung before would have retreated immediately but the one now does not because what the fuck.

“Yeah, it was. Until you took me into a bathroom and you sucked my dick, so it’s not just a drunk fuck, Hoseok.”

“And maybe that wouldn’t happened if you hadn’t followed me here-”

“Oh, are we really doing this?” Taehyung spits and he sees Hoseok stiffen against the wall, lean on it for support. “Yeah, I came back for you and yeah maybe that was impulsive but who’s led me on since then?”

“You didn’t make it any easier-”

“And I’m not going to, either. I’m not your moral compass, asshole. You’re supposed to be the responsible one and stop yourself. Could have filed a harassment case, could have done a lot of things, so why didn’t you?”

Hoseok falls silent at that. And Taehyung feels the hurt broiling inside.

Jimin had told him that Hoseok chose to suffer rather than make changes, but a delusional part of him thought Hoseok would. For him.

“Taehyung, it’s just too messy-”

“You fucking hate her guts!” He yells, and the hallway echoes. “Literally everyone can see it, I can see it and I don’t even know you that well, you dislike her and you talk about her like she’s the worst thing that happened to you, I swear to God you like to pretend like I wasn’t fucking there when you whined about having to hide. From her. Someone you claim you love.”

“Taehyung, you’re pushing it.”

“Because you’re fucking blind about it!” He doesn’t know where all the frustration is coming from- or maybe he does. “You don’t hide from the people you love, Hoseok, in case you needed lessons in How To Love 101. How do you put yourself through that or her? She leaches the life out of you and you-”

“And you can have anyone you want!” Hoseok yells back and Taehyung shuts up. Hoseok hasn’t ever yelled at him and it’s certainly a sight. A glorious one. “Anyone! Why the fuck do you want me?”

“Because I can’t have you.”

The words slip out without his permission but they’re true. To some extent at least. He remembers the feeling from their tryst at the club.

And what makes him hesitate, he wants even more.

Taehyung changes it.

And what he can’t have, he wants to own.

~

~

The words resound between the two of them and Hoseok is speechless.

Because I can’t have you.

It would be easy to write this off, wouldn’t it? It’s so superficial. But he doesn’t, because he knows, he knows, that it isn’t the truth.

The truth is that it started that way and it became something else. It started with the thrill of keeping a secret and it became their only salvation.

No, it wouldn’t be easy to write off.

It would be tempting to take Taehyung’s offer and choose. Choose. But choosing has always been the one thing he has struggled with all his damn life.

He sees Taehyung start at the words and lick his lips out of nervousness. He wobbles on his feet and he is a vision, he’s a damn vision like this, strong and righteous and yelling at him like a wronged angel. It should be so easy to choose this but he can’t.

Then Taehyung steps close and Hoseok tenses up again.

“And because it’s you, Jung Hoseok, It’s you.”

Why do those words pierce his heart so? It’s him. It’s just him, but why do they toss him around in the raging waves of his emotions?

Taehyung’s head is bowed down. When he looks up, his eyes shine with unshed tears- but they don’t break. “And because I fell in love that night.”

Hoseok thinks he’s stopped breathing; he doesn’t feel the tell-a-tell signs of the process.

I fell in love.

“What?”

Taehyung gives a small smile, then rubs his face. His shoulders drop and all the fight leaves out of him. “God, it makes me feel fucking stupid saying this. And maybe I am, I certainly was back then.” Taehyung’s eyelashes are wet from blinking back the tears. “You were good to me, and I fell in love. I fall in love easily, so that wasn’t a surprise. What was a surprise was that the feeling stayed. That’s why I came back.”

This is too much. It’s too much, Hoseok is going to break-

“I’m sorry, Hoseok. It was good knowing you. I won’t bother you again.”

No, no, what the fuck, no, he can’t do this, Taehyung can’t just say things like that and leave-

But maybe it’s karma for leaving Taehyung behind as if he was nothing. When he was, he had been a catalyst to something good and Hoseok was choosing to die rather than detonate.

He watches Taehyung leave out the door and Hoseok falls to the ground. He pushes his nails into his palms and tries to feel something, anything.

But all he feels is undeserving.

He doesn’t deserve anything, certainly not Taehyung. He doesn’t even deserve Heeyeon, cruel as she is, because he chose her. And he chose to remain with her even when they push and pull and tear each other apart. He doesn’t deserve the love of his friends and he’s gone and created such a mark on someone. Not knowing that he’d be marked too.

You were good to me.

But not anymore. He’d been nothing but horrid and filthy and still, Taehyung had given him a choice, had offered him a path, and he’d swiped at it like a sword at a door-

He takes a shuddering breath. He needs to get his shit together, or he’s going to fucking break and he hasn’t really broken in a long time- and he’d like to keep it that way.

He goes back inside. He sees Taehyung drinking water and lying with his eyes closed. Hoseok avoids him entirely and goes to Jimin, tells him he’s going to leave. Jimin gives him a quizzical look, looks between where Taehyung is sitting and Hoseok, and then shrugs.

The disinterest hurts. But he doesn’t deserve Jimin either, does he?

He rings up Heeyeon. “Hello?” He hears her voice, and it used to always bring him back to earth, but not anymore.

“Hey, yeah, I got out of the club, think you can pick me up?”

“It's perfect timing. I was just on my way. Good thing you finished early, it would have been a task to drag you out of there.”

Drag him, as if he’s a child who needs to be reminded or scolded. And yes there are moments when he does but he remembers the way Heeyeon doesn’t quite like him going out too often or too late without her, how it’s one of the many topics of their fights.

Come to think of it, to really think of it, she’s always tried to hold him back and Hoseok has always allowed her to. Because she was good old Heeyeon, older and wiser and her headset right on her shoulders, not an indecisive mess like he was. But maybe that’s why she was stuck on him like week-old gum. She made the decisions for him and Hoseok used to love her for it, once upon a time. Used to feel grateful that he didn’t have to make the choice and mess up-and now he felt trapped.

The way she’d mock his job sometimes or the way she’d ask him to be less boisterous or to stop his loud noises in public- and Hoseok agreed because she knew what to do. But that wasn’t it, was it? That’s not how a good relationship was. It wasn’t constant thorns hitting you even when you did your best to avoid it. It wasn’t having to hide in his own skin about himself because you’d had the misfortune to fall for someone toxic.

There. That was the word, the word he refused to use. Toxic, that’s what they were for each other. Love was supposed to make people grow, not keep them inside the mud with no sunlight or air to reach. Maybe Heeyeon was good for someone else, but not him. He’d been two years too late and too blind, and the thorns had grown around him. And if he moved even the slightest, they’d pierce and remind him who he belonged to.

Heeyeon’s bright red car stops in front of him and Hoseok gets in. He can smell her fruity perfume and the Cosmos she’s had tonight can taste in the chaste kiss she leaves on him- much too sweet and medicinal, like cough syrup. He’s silent because the weight of his realisation is falling upon him. He’d made himself okay with it, suppressed it as normal and just a “Hee-Seokie” thing but it was just like any shitty crap out there. And Hoseok had fallen for it.

It took one massive fight, three weeks of radio silence and one random one night stand to change Hoseok’s life around.

Hoseok realises that he’s done, too. Done with living like this. The thought scares the shit out of him but he’s so done. He doesn’t love her, he hasn’t loved her, really loved her for a long time. He’s loved their routine and their bitterness and the sex they have (but sometimes not even that, he just gives in to Heeyeon) and that’s it. He’s been disappointed from the moment she’d looked at the pride parade on TV and had said “fucking faggots, the lot of them.”

What the fuck did he do? Why the fuck did he do this to himself?

He can’t get out of the car fast enough; it feels compact and like it’s pressing itself upon him. He can barely hear the chatter of Heeyeon talking about her school reunion, her voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard. He can’t breathe.

She parks in the garage and Hoseok bolts. He can hear Heeyeon’s surprised yell in the background and he doesn’t care. Heeyeon follows him quickly behind and then they’re in their apartment. How did they get here? They were six floors down, did they use the elevator or the stairs?

He’s panicking. He’s a little closer to breaking.

“Hoseok!” Heeyeon yells, turning him around. She looks annoyed and confused and irritated. Right, this is tipsy Heeyeon, she can’t maintain her control well. “What the fuck is up with you?”

He wants to bolt.

No, he wants to tell the truth.

“Heeyeon.” He places his hands on her shoulders; he can feel the bone of it pierce him. “Heeyeon.” He breathes. Fuck, he’s so close to the truth, he just wants it out.

“What?” She snaps.

“Heeyeon.” Hoseok giggles. He isn’t drunk, not really, he’d chosen not to drink, knowing that Taehyung would be there tonight. But he feels delirious. “I want to tell you something.”

“What?”

“Hee, baby,” he whispers. “I’m bi.”

“I’m sorry?”

Hoseok looks into her pretty dark eyes. They were pretty, he’ll agree. They’d soon be filled with hatred and anger and wow, it doesn’t even bother him anymore. “I’m bisexual. Your Seokie is bisexual.”

He feels her stiffen, her face change into disapproval, her eyes blazing. “Hoseok. Shut the fuck up.”

“It’s the truth, whether you like it or not. I like them both, I like girls and boys and I’ve fucked both and I love it. I’m bi-”

He feels the sting of the slap before he sees. “Shut the fuck up! No, you’re not!”

It hurts. Her screech pierces his ears and he feels his cheek getting hot. “I don’t think it’s up to you, Heeyeon. I am what I am.”

“Stop being a disgusting little prick, Hoseok,” she spits, “and shut up, or so help me God.”

“Yeah, what will you do about it other than scream and throw a tantrum?”

“Get out.” Of course. Hoseok doesn’t move because he didn’t expect that. This immediate dismissal. “Get help, fucking fix yourself and then come back or we’re done. We’re so fucking done.”

“I don’t need help, Heeyeon.”

“You do because you’re not normal and you’ve been lying to me, your parents and how dare you? How dare you come into my home and tell me such disgusting things?”

What would have once led to fear turns into hot boiling anger. “Learnt it from the best, what can I say.”

Heeyeon pushes him and it’s only Hoseok’s sense of balance that stops him from falling. “Get! Out!” She pushes with each word and Hoseok finds himself out of the door and into the hallway of their floor. “Come back when you’re fixed.”

It hurts that this is the result. Two years suddenly don’t mean anything. So he looks at her hateful eyes and spits the words into her face. “I wouldn’t want to come back to someone like you.”

Heeyeon slams the door shut and it’s just Hoseok alone in the hallway.

Alone.

He shudders at the thought of it and runs, tries to escape the feeling. He finds himself right outside the complex and he doesn’t know where to go, Well, there’s his apartment but he’s going to be alone, he hasn’t been alone and fuck, his girlfriend (now ex) threw him out and told him to go get fixed like he’s a problem-

He takes in the lungful of the cold winter air and tries to hold it together as he dials the one number he knows will get through this late at night. Jimin’s sleepy drunk voice greets him. “Hyung?”

“Jimin-ah,” he breathes out and his voice sounds ragged, but he didn’t cry, did he? No, he didn’t. He just hasn’t been breathing properly. “Jimin-ah, can you please get Taehyung on the phone?”

It’s silent on the other end and did Jimin leave him for good? Alone, so alone-

“Hyung, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Hoseok closes his eyes even as he tries to hold on. “Jimin, please. Please. Just this once. I won’t bother you or-or him, again. Please.”

It’s silent too long and Hoseok thinks that’s it, he’s alone and that’s how his life is going to be when he hears the shuffle and the sleepy voice of him. “Hoseok?”

“Taehyung.” He breathes out and leans against the wall. It’s so cold and he has nothing, just his coat. Heeyeon didn’t let him take anything. “Please come here.”

“Hoseok. We talked about this, why are you calling so late at night-”

“Please come here. Please.”

“Hoseok, I’m sorry about what I said and you made your choice, we’re supposed to part ways-”

“I told her, Taehyung. I told her and I have nowhere to go, please come here. Please.”

Taehyung shuts up on the other end and Hoseok prays. Just prays that he hasn’t killed the kindness in the boy and hasn’t lost him, not yet. Only Taehyung knew, only he understood.

“Give me ten minutes.”

He hangs up.

✵

He is sitting on the sidewalk, arms crushed into his side and wrapped tightly around his legs, a feeble shield against the bitter cold when Taehyung approaches him and sits beside him.

It’s the only warmth Hoseok receives even as he clenches his teeth together to stop chattering (and to stop the breakdown that’s building up).

Neither of them says anything for a long time; Hoseok doesn’t know what to say. Maybe the cold froze his brain because everything seems sluggish. His panic has stopped, or so he thinks. Finally, Taehyung breaks the silence.

“Why am I here, Hoseok?”

A part of Hoseok lights up at the lack of honorific. As if that is the thread that ties them to their past. If Taehyung had added the hyung, it would have broken him.

“I didn’t know who else to call.”

Taehyung scoffs as he checks his phone. The street is empty save for the two of them stupidly freezing their asses off. “It’s 2:00 A.M, Hoseok.”

“I know. I’m sorry, but I really didn’t know what to do.” He can sense that Taehyung wants to go off at him, maybe lecture him for his carelessness but he doesn’t.

“Why did you want to call me, then?”

“It’s her. Heeyeon,” he clarifies as if Taehyung doesn’t know by now who ‘her’ is. “I told her, Tae. I told her about myself.”

Tae’s face pools into one of confusion. “Yourself as in…” His eyes widen. “About you being bi?”

“Yeah.” It sits heavy between them, the implications of Hoseok’s action.

“I thought- I thought when you said you told her, you told her about us. About that night or the things we did after.” Taehyung finally comments, wringing his hands together. Hoseok chuckles. That was never an issue, not really. Sure, it had made him guilty, but now it was quite possibly one of the best moments of his life.

“That wasn’t ever an issue, Tae,” Hoseok says simply. Taehyung waits for him to continue as Hoseok thinks of a way to articulate what he’s feeling, which isn’t a lot. “I mean, it was at the start, but my issue with Heeyeon began a long time ago. I was just scared to speak the truth. I did tonight and look what happened.”

“What happened?”

“Well, you can see it.”

Taehyung looks around before he sees that it’s just Hoseok in a coat and nothing else around him. “She didn’t- she kicked you out?”

“Yeah. I don’t think any sane person would freeze their balls off in the cold willingly.” Hoseok expects pity at his situation. Expects maybe- maybe not kind words, but definitely something that doesn’t remind him of the shit he’s in. But he’s taken by surprise yet again when Taehyung gets up and pats his clothes off the dust.

“Get up.” He says as Hoseok looks up at him. There’s no pity, no comfort, only blazing anger in Taehyung’s face.

“What?” Hoseok asks as he scrambles.

“We’re going to get your shit. No one deserves to be kicked without getting their stuff back.”

“Taehyung. This is Heeyeon; it doesn’t matter what people deserve or not. She doesn’t give a shit.”

“She hasn’t met me yet, not really.” Taehyung sets a brisk pace into the lobby and Hoseok follows after, feeling a little stupid and something like a kicked puppy. He welcomes the warmth of the lobby, though. Taehyung gets into the elevator and stabs the button for the sixth floor after Hoseok whispers it out.

They walk to his door and Hoseok doesn’t quite know how to proceed, but Taehyung solves that as well. He bangs with a fist, loud and sharp and clear, several times. Then he rings at the doorbell and wow, Heeyeon is going to be so pissed.

He can hear the accompanying shout of “what?!” followed by angry steps. Hoseok tries to back away but he feels Taehyung hold on to his wrist and hold firm. It’s strange how he never realised how strong Taehyung could be because Hoseok can’t move. Heeyeon opens the door with a yell on her lips.

“Hoseok if you’re back here I swear to fucking god, I’m going to call your parents right now and-” Heeyeon’s tirade stops as she faces Taehyung’s angelic smile.

“Hi, it’s me, what’s up,” he starts. Hoseok stands behind him because he’s a coward.

“Taehyung-ssi? What are you doing here?”

“Hoseok here was kicked out and I’m here to get his stuff for him, would you move?” Heeyeon looks progressively shocked and Taehyung takes that as a cue to push past her and get inside, whistling to himself.

How does he do that? How does he maintain so much calm when only seconds ago he looked ready to rip Heeyeon apart for what she did?

Hoseok follows and goes towards their room, taking out a bag and packing his essentials. There’s a lot of things he can’t take from here but Hoseok doesn’t care. He just wants his stuff and leave this shit behind.

“Hoseok, what the fuck is going on?” Heeyeon practically yells as she follows him around while he packs. Coats, sweaters, socks: check. Some important documents, his laptop, and phone charger and shit, there’s so much stuff they share and have shared these past two years and it’s a shitstorm, really, but Hoseok chases the feeling of ‘I’m free’.

“Just taking my stuff, Heeyeon. Wouldn’t want to infect you with my disgusting self.” Hoseok shoots back. Where is all this bravery coming from?

“No, you can’t. You’re coming back because you have to get help, Hoseok, stop this”-Heeyeon tries to take his things away and Hoseok dances out of the way. “Hoseok! Stop behaving like a brat and just-”

“Heeyeon, I’m not coming back. Not to you. Or anyone like you for that matter. I am who I am.”

Heeyeon curls a lip. “You don’t know anything.”

“I know not to be a hateful little bitch like you.” Hoseok spits. “You fucking kicked me out, Heeyeon, you don’t come back from that.”

“Because you’re being ridiculous and stupid. You’re a goddamn adult, Hoseok, and you’re doing shit like this-”

“Hoseok, are you done?” Taehyung says as he peeks inside the room and finds Hoseok and Heeyeon facing each other, faces red and hands clenched into fists. He leans against the door before moving inside, between them and packing Hoseok’s stuff without a sound, humming along as he does.

He’s surprisingly meticulous about it. Hoseok sees Heeyeon getting more and more flustered and irritated and finally she blows her steam. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re doing here Taehyung-ssi, but this is a personal matter and you’re intruding.”

“Heeyeon-ssi,” Taehyung speaks without making eye contact, “it is ridiculously cold outside and Hoseok was freezing out there. Surely you’re not inhuman enough to not let him take his clothes?” At the last statement, Taehyung has whirled around, tall and confident and cool.

“Hoseok was out because he was being ridiculous himself.”

“Oh, so not being straight is ridiculous now, is it?”

“Not being normal,” Heeyeon hisses.

Taehyung laughs and Heeyeon bristles. “Grow up, Heeyeon-ssi. It’s the 21^st century, not the 18^th. Love is love and sex is sex, maybe you wouldn’t have a perpetual stick up your ass if you opened up your mind a little bit more.”

“Watch your tone, Taehyung-ssi.”

“Hmm, no, I won’t,” Taehyung says simply. “I wouldn’t have expected a successful, educated woman like you to be so backward but I suppose rotten apples come out of even the best orchards. A pity, really.”

“What, you’re a faggot like him?”

Hoseok watches Taehyung’s entire demeanor change and hurries to stop the bomb detonating. “Heeyeon, stop it.”

“It would make sense, only people like him would even talk like this and not think this is a problem, because he needs help and neither of you sees it, because you are a fa-”

“Yes, I am a faggot like Hoseok who fucked your boyfriend because he was so damn miserable with you, you miserable cunt.” Taehyung explodes and Heeyeon recoils even as he steps forward. “God, when I saw you at the café I could understand why he didn’t like you, why no one likes you or people like you because you think you have it so damn perfect, don’t you, your little controlled lives and then hanging that in front of the rest of us terrible people who aren’t as hateful as you are.” Taehyung breathes hard and Hoseok doesn’t know what to do except let the train wreck happen. “But no one ever realises how miserable you little shitheads are to meddle in other people’s lives and trying to be our moral police when we never fucking asked. So thank you, but no fucking thank you.”

Hoseok sees Heeyeon stunned. Truly, he doesn’t think anyone’s ever spoken to her like that, so violently and aggressively while maintaining their distance. He only stands as Taehyung zips up his bag and grabs his hand, dragging him out. He hears Heeyeon scramble and shuffle after them, stop Taehyung before he can reach the door.

“You fucked him?”

“So well, sweetheart,” Taehyung gives a saccharine smile and Heeyeon reddens. “His moans are the most delicious. Doesn’t that make your blood boil? We both share dear little Hoseok now, only I made him understand that he deserves better than you. Now move.”

Heeyeon maintains her stance. He can feel her piercing gaze and refuses to look at her. “You don’t know him as I do. He’s going to fuck you over-”

“He already has,” Taehyung says, pushing past her. “I’m just the bigger guy in the picture that I help out a friend when they need. I don’t kick them out in the cold.” He hefts the bag onto his shoulder. “You keep telling him to get help, but I think it’s you who should take the advice. Be more loving, maybe the next guy you find won’t run away from a cunt like you.”

Saying that as if it is a final nail on the coffin, Taehyung opens the door. He leaves and it’s just Hoseok standing at the entrance (or rather, exit). He thinks he’ll look back but it doesn’t happen. His ears seem numb and he doesn’t even hear the crash of a plate against the door or Heeyeon’s angry shrieks.

He just leaves.

Taehyung is out on the sidewalk when Hoseok joins him, smoking a cigarette as if taking out his anger on Heeyeon did him a number. Hoseok watches the way the smoke billows out of his mouth, the way Taehyung turns around and looks at him not with anger or pity but compassion.

Hoseok breaks.

It’s the ugly kind of sobbing, where you can’t see or hear and your throat burns a little from the air not being enough, and it’s too much. Everything is too much, it’s been so for the past two weeks and it’s hitting Hoseok so hard right now, like a freight train going off track. It’s all the past guilt and anger, all the past feelings of attraction and hatred for himself and others, the disappointment that weighed heavy on him and he just breaks and breaks. He doesn’t even know where he is until he finds himself stumbling into an alleyway that Taehyung drags him into.

Then he feels Taehyung wrap his arms around him and silently let him sob his heart out. He does cry for a long time, too long, enough that he can see the sky lightening from the rising sun. He can hear the tell-a-tell sounds of people getting up to go about their morning routines.

Taehyung doesn’t let go of him even once, just has his hands wrapped around. Hoseok inhales in that familiar scent and finally stops. He feels Taehyung whisper the words against his ears. “I’m sorry.”

It sounds so broken, so agonised, so different from the casual and controlled way at the noraebang. “Why?”

“Because I never truly realised,” Taehyung says while pulling back to meet Hoseok’s eyes. “I never realised how bad it was. I felt so angry, I thought you were a coward willingly choosing to hurt people around you. I never realised how it must have felt like to be with someone like her for so long. I never realised how easy it is to forget yourself when you’re caught in a prison that long.”

“I was a coward.”

“No, you were scared and confused. I wanted to punish you, Hoseok. When I saw you with her at the café and later on when you told me that she didn’t deserve this. I was so mad. I felt so wronged. But maybe she was all you ever knew to be OK with and I shouldn’t have done what I did. I’m sorry.”

Hoseok rolls his head back and watches the colours of the sky expand up above them. “I suppose both of us messed up. I’m sorry too, Taehyung.” Hoseok looks back into Taehyung’s brown eyes, his expectant, warm face. “I’m sorry I lied to you or I never told you to the truth. I really wanted to escape that night and I never thought I’d run into you again. But my behaviour after that was deplorable and I’m sorry. I really am.”

It’s silent between the two of them as they let their joint apologies wash over them. Hoseok feels the sudden weight of everything pile up again and he feels so tired. Taehyung seems to sense that.

“Perhaps we can talk later on in better conditions,” Taehyung says. His hands flutter on his sides as if doesn’t quite know what to do with them anymore, now that they’re not around Hoseok. “But I think for now you need to just be okay. Come with me.”

Hoseok doesn’t even question, his footsteps falling dead behind Taehyung as they walk together, somewhere.

~

~

He doesn’t quite know what to think or say as they walk back in utter silence, only their footsteps echoing on the ground.

It’s the kind of silence that Taehyung has made himself okay with but never, quite frankly, enjoyed. But at this moment he doesn’t know how to fill it up. His feelings threaten to crush him as always but this time he keeps it together because Hoseok is barely stitched. Taehyung has never thought that he’d have to be strong for someone; it’s always been the other way round. It’s a strange feeling but not a bad one.

He thinks about what happened, thinks about Heeyeon and the way she was- angry and hateful and basically a bitch. He’d thought she was wildly beautiful before but there is something about having a rotten soul that makes even the most beautiful the ugliest to look at. And more than that, it was the way she spoke to Hoseok. Taehyung knew that tone, had been at the receiving end of it far too many times for it to affect him, but he’d risen to the bait. Hoseok had looked so heartbroken at her words, so terrified and Taehyung wanted it gone.

He recalls wanting to remove the smile but he regretted it. He regretted it so damn much because the Hoseok behind the smile wasn’t just miserable. He was a raw, open and gaping wound. Taehyung felt guilty that he had accused Hoseok of so many things but had never realised what it was like to hear those words for the first time.

They reach Jimin’s apartment and ring it up. Jimin opens the door, looking anxious and fretful, and Taehyung knows he hasn’t slept ever since he left. His nails look bitten as do his lips, and he can see the way Jimin’s shoulders drop down as a sigh of relief escapes him.

“Goodness, where were you?” He says as he ushers them in and Taehyung shudders, trying to shiver away the chill of the outside. He’s been out in the cold so long it feels like ice has grown along his bones inside. Hoseok looks frozen but he doesn’t seem to notice or care- and Taehyung thinks it’s because of the events of the night. Or even just the sobbing session he had barely twenty minutes ago.

“I’ll tell you later, first can you turn on the heater in my room and give him some sweats? I think he needs to warm himself.” Jimin gives him a questioning look before nodding, doing what was asked of him. Hoseok keeps standing in the middle of the room while Taehyung sets to making a cup of hot lemon tea. He doesn’t know if Hoseok likes lemon tea but it’s always made him feel better.

Jimin comes back with an extra pair of clothes and hands it to Hoseok, who accepts numbly. “Hyung, I don’t know if they’ll fit but they’re warm.”

Hoseok looks down and nods. “Thank you, Jiminie.” His voice sounds rough and ragged like the crying tore some important vocal cords inside him. Hoseok just begins undressing in the living room and Taehyung looks away, instead focusing on pouring the tea into the cup. When he turns around, Hoseok is already dressed in Jimin’s clothes and curled by himself on the couch. Taehyung comes up to him carrying the tea.

“Here, have this. It’ll make you feel better.” Hoseok stares at the offered cup and then takes it. Their hands brush and Taehyung shivers at how frozen they seem. He can feel Jimin’s gaze on the two of them but not yet. Not yet.

It’s awkward and too silent save for the sounds of Hoseok sipping the tea. Then Taehyung gets up and takes Hoseok’s cold, cold hand. “Do you want to sleep a bit?”

Hoseok looks at him. His eyes are droopy and red-rimmed and so, so tired. He nods and Taehyung guides him to his room. Hoseok immediately lies down and Taehyung throws a couple of blankets on his form and makes to leave when he hears a rough whisper. “Stay.”

Stay. All that’s ever been asked of him and all that he’s refused to do, time and again. Except this once, because Taehyung pulls back the covers and shuffles in next to him and it feels like life has come full circle for them. Just two weeks ago they’d curled next to each other and stared at each other as they told one important thing about themselves. Hoping that in confessing to a stranger, they wouldn’t be fighting their battle alone. And now. Now they’ve confessed and fought and the battlefield is strewn with the remains of war. In their little circle, they’re the only ones who survived- but they’re still bleeding.

Hoseok falls asleep like this. His short breaths turn into deep ones and his eyes flutter occasionally. Taehyung is entranced because of Hoseok, who is like this beautiful too. At peace rather, the traces of worry and fear and guilt gone from his face. This is the face that Taehyung wanted, at the end. The one without the masks.

Taehyung feels wide awake as he moves a little and looks for Hoseok’s phone. It’s still cold but working. He takes Hoseok’s thumb and opens it- to face a home screen of Hoseok and Heeyeon smiling head to head. Taehyung waits for a pang of pain or jealousy but nothing comes, only sadness at the way they hid their bitterness and the way Hoseok hid from her. Maybe he’s intruding but it’s ok. It has to be.

He changes the wallpaper to a blank one, and then feed in his number. He presses the call button and he feels his phone buzz. He’ll save it. Why, he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know if anything can happen at this point but the hope is a fickle thing. He then blocks Heeyeon’s number- Hoseok can do without her or any texts she sends. He supposes she’ll follow through on her threat and tell his parents and the worse is yet to come for him. So a small reprieve might help.

Task done, he lies on his back and stares at the ceiling. He supposes that after every hurricane and every storm comes that time where it doesn’t feel like the town was ravaged but the evidence is there for everyone to see. It is a surreal feeling and the overwhelming feeling from before threatens to envelop him in the silence of the night, so he seeks out the one person he knows will be there for him.

He trudges out and into Jimin’s room. Jimin is sleeping but Taehyung can tell from the way he is that he’s half-awake. Taehyung pulls back the covers and snuggles inside, and Jimin immediately wraps a leg around him and tugs him closer. Taehyung smiles fondly. They used to often sleep like this back in school, close and whispering about their dreams to each other. The memory is a warm and welcome one.

“So what happened?” Jimin whispers. Their whispers aren’t about their dreams and hopes and ambitions anymore. They’re heartbroken now, but they’re whispers still.

“Hoseok told Heeyeon about his identity. She kicked him out.” Jimin’s eyes widen.

“Shit, you’re serious?”

“Yeah, and he didn’t know what to do. I went and got his stuff for him and she was a total bitch, Jimin. She was absolutely horrid and I think people like me,” he gulps. “People like me know horrid people like her too much to give a shit but Hoseok didn’t and I think it broke him. He cried for a long time afterward.”

“Shit.” Jimin breathes. His eyes look full of sorrow at the state of his other close friend. “So what’s next?”

“Nothing. I think he just didn’t want to be alone so I got him here.”

“You know that’s not what I meant. What’s next for you and him?”

Taehyung shrugs and doesn’t meet Jimin’s eyes. “That’s up to him. But I want to stay,” he says as he takes Jimin’s hands and plays with them. “I don’t want to run anymore, Jimin. If you’ll have me, I’d like to stay.”

Jimin looks at him with tears in his eyes before he finds himself absolutely smothered and barely being able to breathe, but he hugs back and revels in the tightness of it. “Of course, you idiot. Of course.”

So at least something is okay. They stay like that before they both wake up, unable to sleep really. The sun shines bright and Taehyung’s room remains shut. As they have their coffee the bedroom door opens with a bang and a frantic Hoseok appears, hair wild and t-shirt askew.

He calms down when he sees Jimin and Taehyung, sees that it’s Jimin’s place and that it’s not that unfamiliar at all. He gives a careful smile before bolting back inside and coming out five minutes later, changed into his own clothes. He picks up his bag off the floor where he left it and then fidgets.

Jimin comes near him and Taehyung can see that Hoseok is afraid, still worried that Jimin might be mad at him. When Jimin opens his arms up, a look of relief fills his face and he promptly drops the bag again in the haste to get the embrace that he needs.

They hug for a long time. Taehyung only watches because this is not his moment to intrude. He thinks he hears him sniffle a little.

“I’m so sorry, hyung. But I hope you’ll feel better soon. You know you can call me anytime if there’s a need, okay?” Jimin says. Hoseok nods. He discreetly wipes his eyes and then sets out to leave. He hesitates near the door and throws a quick glance back at Taehyung. Then he nods and Taehyung nods back.

Even if nothing came out of it. At least Taehyung could stay.

~

~

He knows Taehyung has fiddled with his phone the moment he opens it to check the time. The screen is blank and when he checks his call logs, there’s his number in it and Heeyeon’s shows that it’s blocked.

Hoseok feels grateful. He might not have had the courage to do this and now that it’s done, he thinks he can do the other things, little by little.

He sets off for his apartment. It’s nearby thankfully and he doesn’t have to walk too long before he’s right there. He enters it after god knows how long and it’s cold and dry and- and alone. So frighteningly alone.

Hoseok tries not to let it get to him and he fails. He fails because it’s not warm, it’s not lived in and he hasn’t been alone in the two years that he spent dating Heeyeon. Even when they’d broken up Hoseok had spent every living minute that he could at the dance studio or if not that, then with Seokjin and Namjoon. But now he’s truly alone.

But he’s alone and brave, not alone and scared.

He decides it’s time, to tell the truth. So he calls up Seokjin. He’s greeted by a bright voice because Seokjin wakes up early as a bird. “Hoseok?”

“Hi, hyung.”

“What’s up? And why are you calling me at this hour? You should be nursing a hangover; god knows Namjoon hasn’t stopped groaning since the past one hour.”

Hoseok laughs. Then he clears his throat. “Hyung. I need a favour.”

Seokjin’s laughter stops and when he speaks, his voice is serious. “Do you want us to come over?”

How well they know him. Now the final puzzle piece would fall and he wouldn’t have to lie to his closest friends anymore. “Yeah.”

“Be right over. I’ll bring the coffee and the sandwiches I made.” And he hangs up.

Twenty minutes later finds him facing the two of them at his doorstep, Seokjin looking handsome as ever and Namjoon looking like he choked on air and came back struggling. In their hands are a thermos of coffee and a lunchbox full of the promised sandwiches.

How they knew where to come is a mystery and Hoseok chalks it up to best friend voodoo magic. Seokjin’s been highly intuitive with those ever since he knew him.

“You look horrible. I’m glad you called us.” Seokjin shoves past him and into his bare kitchen, where he hums the title track of The Lion King (seriously) as he pours them all coffee. Namjoon, on the other hand, looks at him and then sighs, places his hand on Hoseok’s shoulder and squeezes- his standard Namjoon sign of care.

“Was it bad this time?” He asks. Hoseok knows he’s referring to the breakup.

“The worst. But I wanted to talk about something else.”

They sit down on the kitchen table, sipping at their coffee. Seokjin and Namjoon wait for him, patient as ever.

So Hoseok spills. He spills everything, right from how he was at college when he first found out about his identity- only a few months after he had met Namjoon and then Seokjin. He spills about how afraid he was because of his own family drama- and how he tried out and experimented in secret and formed his own understanding of himself. He can see Namjoon and Seokjin looking progressively hurt and sad but Hoseok plods on.

He tells them about meeting Heeyeon and loving her because he did, he had and he wouldn’t deny it. He tells them about the comment he heard and the consequent ways in which she talked about other humans and how he kept suppressing because at that point he just let it happen. He can sense Seokjin’s bitterness in the air. Then he tells them about Taehyung.

To say that they are surprised is an understatement. Clearly, none of them had expected that they knew each other. Hoseok thinks they’d be disgusted by the semi-cheating he did but neither of them do, eyes warm and accepting and encouraging him to keep talking. He feels his resolve not to cry waver as he recalls last night and what happened. He feels Seokjin grasp his hand tightly even as his face reddens in anger. Namjoon’s chin juts out and his face is set hard as stone.

It’s silent after he finishes and for the first time in a very long time, Hoseok feels light and free. “I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I lied and hid for so long and could never tell you. I hope this makes up for it.”

“Shut up, Hoseok,” Namjoon spits, and Hoseok and Seokjin both recoil at the tone. Namjoon is only ever calm, but this feels like venom. “If I could drive, which I now regret not having learned, I’d be dragging that bitch and running my car over her.” Hoseok and Seokjin’s eyes bug out because Namjoon isn’t violent; he’s the guy who mediates and makes sure things don’t escalate the point of no return. “Babe, you drive really well. Here’s what we’re going to do: we’re going to take your car right now, call her down and then slam her into the next highway.”

“No, we’re not going to do that,” Seokjin says in a mild panic. It’s usually Seokjin’s job to be the impulsive hit-and-run killer kind of a person but Namjoon’s change can throw off even the best of them. “What we’re going to do right now is to be with Hoseok and make sure he’s okay. That sound good?”

Namjoon mutters something like ‘Heeyeon isn’t getting hurt’ but he nods tightly. Hoseok feels sudden affection for both of them.

“I wanted to ask another favour.” Both nod. “I don’t- I don’t think I could be alone so could either of you stay sometimes?”

“Of course. We’ll take turns; you can even crash at our place for some time. Your favourite pull-out couch waits for your ass.” They all laugh. Seokjin sets to ordering lunch and they talk a long time. They stay over for a day and Hoseok stays another before he comes back.

It’s one of those nights where he’s alone, but it isn’t so unbearable anymore. Still, he feels something missing inside him and as he scrolls through his phone, his fingers hover over Taehyung’s number.

He clicks on the text option for it and types.

Me: [1:00 AM]

Hey

Are you awake?

Hoseok drops the phone and waits. An agonising five minutes later his phone buzzes and he goes a little insane trying to answer it.

Taehyung: [1:05 AM]

Yes.

Why?

An important question. Hoseok doesn’t know why he texted but maybe it’s something to do with the missing piece of him.

Me: [1:06 AM]

Do you want to go on a walk?

Taehyung: [1:06 AM]

At one in the morning?

Sure, I guess.

Me: (1:07 AM)

Is there somewhere you could meet me?

He doesn’t get a reply and Hoseok thinks maybe he was too fast, pushing too much, and curses. Taehyung’s made it clear and Hoseok keeps crossing their boundaries, but he can’t stop.

T aehyung: [1:20 AM]

I’m outside. Come down.

Hoseok scrambles to get ready, wearing his thickest scarf and coat, nearly slamming his feet into his shoes. He can’t get down fast enough; when he’s out, the cold hits him with the intensity of an oncoming train. Right there in his lobby is Taehyung, scrolling on his phone, dressed simply in loose track pants.

Hoseok feels the void filling already and he knows he has a problem. Taehyung smiles at him and it’s a true smile, eyes crinkling upwards and mouth open in the shape of a box.

They walk for a few meters not exchanging a single word but it’s not awkward or weird or straining. It’s actually nice for once and Hoseok revels in it, revels in that feeling of a calm ocean they are rather than the turbulent waves they had been. The cold seeps into his bones but somehow their circle is warm.

“So…we’re just going to randomly walk in the cold and romanticise it or something?” Taehyung finally speaks and Hoseok chuckles. It’s a good sound, a true sound.

“Sorry.”

“Oh, I don’t mind at all,” Taehyung says. “I don’t mind freezing myself. I don’t freeze. I was born in the thick of winter. I’m her first warrior.” Hoseok laughs even more at his attempt to be normal and he thinks he can do this. It’s not painful.

“I just wanted to randomly walk, you’re right.”

“With me.”

“With you.”

“Why?”

“Because I can’t forget you, just like I couldn’t forget you after that night. But for a different reason now than then.”

Taehyung had been in the middle of replying and shut his mouth, a soft smile adorning his moonlit face. “Can I hope then, Hoseok?”

“Funny you should ask that because I was about to do the same,” Hoseok says. He understands why he’s feeling void. The mark that Taehyung made on him is deep and something he doesn’t want to remove.

“You know we have a lot to build.”

“I do.”

“We’ll have to trust each other again; that can take a lot of time.”

“Let me ask you something: do you still like me?” Hoseok asks. Taehyung stops and they face each other, so close that Hoseok can see their breaths misting in the air. They stare at each other for what feels like hours but is, in fact, a few short minutes. Then Taehyung nods.

“I do. I haven’t been able to forget you either.”

Hoseok smiles. “Then I think that’s good enough.”

“However,” Taehyung says, and Hoseok feels the butterflies attack him again. “I think we still need time. To understand and to know each other. To be friends before anything. I plan on staying this time Hoseok,” Taehyung gulps. “You were a catalyst for that. I’d like if I can get over myself and stay. And I think you need time to figure yourself out, your identity, how to be OK by yourself. I think I do too.”

Hoseok wants to protest and then he bites his tongue because he realises that Taehyung is right. Hoseok is afraid, he’s afraid of a lot of things still. He doesn’t like being alone or rather, he never learned to be alone. He wonders if Heeyeon told his parents and how to deal with that if they know. He has so much to do for himself that he never considered he had to do before, simply content in living for others or bringing them pleasures.

And more than that, he thinks, he wants Taehyung to stay too. He wants to make Taehyung happy than this shit storm these past two weeks. He wants to take him on actual dates and give him his favourite flowers, really talk to him and know him as a person. As a friend.

They may know each other’s bodies but maybe this time, they can know each other’s souls.

So Hoseok nods. It’s enough for now. Taehyung beams and then he leans forward and gives him a soft kiss.

They’ve never kissed this way before. But it’s enough. It’s enough to make him happy and it’s enough to make him stay, too.

They walk some more, somewhere until they link hands together and the moon lights them up. Their talks are about future dates and future dreams and for now, they’re happy.

They’re happy somewhere.

~

Fin.