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Tj knows he's not the smartest person in his class. At least not in math, he's getting better thanks to Cyrus but he knows that he has to try harder than most of his classmates. He's good at sports. He's always been good a sports, any kind of physical activity actually. English? Not so much, not as bad as math but still who does his teacher think he is? Telling him, okay him and the entire class, but it feels like it's only him, to write a poem. A poem? Seriously.
Normally he'd just ask Cyrus, Cyrus would help him. Or at least talk him up and give Tj the boost he needs to believe he can do it. But right now Cyrus isn't talking to him. Not returning his calls or texts. Nothing.
When Tj does see Cyrus at school, Andi and Buffy are always right there. Ready to steer Cyrus away.
So Tj is waiting. Every day after school he comes walks by the swing set, hoping Cyrus will stop by. It's been four days and so far no Cyrus. So instead Tj has been working on his poem. Cyrus may not be here to help him, but he's still helping. If being inspiration counts as helping.
Tj tears out a page from his notebook that he just finished writing on and crumples it up. He groans out loud as he shoves it into his backpack. The words just aren't coming out right, he never knows how to say what he means.
He looks up then and a rush of calm spreads over him. There at the bottom of the hill, sitting on the swings is Cyrus.
All the air deflates from Tj's chest. This is what he's been waiting for. A moment with Cyrus alone. A moment to talk with him, but now that he's here in front of him, Tj isn't sure what he even wants to say.
He leaves his notebook and backpack on the ground and he heads down the hill towards the swing set. Getting more sure of himself with each step he takes. It's Cyrus, Tj knows that no matter what he says it's Cyrus it'll be okay. Right?
Suddenly not so sure Tj's shoulders cave in a little as he steps up the swing set.
"Is that swing taken?" he asks, voice even but also unsure. He really wants to say Please just talk to me. But he doesn't. Instead, he waits for Cyrus to reply.
Cyrus looks up at Tj then surprised, "How'd you know I'd be here?" he says standing up from his spot on the swing, almost reaching Tj's height but still coming up slightly shorter.
Because I know you, and I've been waiting for you, every day Tj gives a small shrug, "I've been stopping by seeing if I could catch you without your bodyguards." I have to talk to you.
"I'm not supposed to hang out with you"
I know. I screwed everything up.
"I should go," Cyrus says starting to take a step away from the swing.
Tj holds his hand out, "Stop, I'll go" Cyrus' hands close back around the swing chain "Can I at least say I'm sorry first?"
Cyrus shrugs and glances away. Tj doesn't waste time say part of what he's been trying to say. Buffy and Andi could come around at any moment and Tj needs Cyrus to hear this, even if it's not entirely what he really wants to say.
"I had no idea Reed was gonna bring the gun. I wouldn't have gone and I definitely wouldn't have brought you." I would never put you in harms way, I would never do anything that could potentially end with you getting hurt.
"You hate me." If anything happened to you I'd have never forgiven myself. "Classic Tj anything good I have to ruin it." Tj shakes his head, it's so typical of him to ruin good things and Cyrus, Cyrus is the best thing he's ever ruined.
Cyrus blinks up at Tj but doesn't say anything. Tj sighs, at least he sort if said what he wanted to say.
He starts to walk away before Cyrus says "Tj."
He turns back around a spark of hope filling his chest, maybe Cyrus will forgive him.
"You said you were going to apologize."
Tj shakes his head a small laugh on his lips, "I just did."
"Actually you didn't."
"Yes I did, I said..." Tj trails off as he replays the conversation this far in his head. Oh, Cyrus is right, as usual. He didn't.
"hmm, you're right, I didn't." I'm sorry "Well sorry for not saying sorry." Tj turns to walk away again but Cyrus' voice pulls him back.
"So you apologized for not apologizing, but you still haven't apologized," Cyrus says settling back down onto his swing, as Tj takes a hold of the swing next to him. Cyrus is the only person who calls Tj out on his shit. It infuriates him and pleases him all at the same time. A warmth spreads over Tj and he steps closer.
"You can be a little annoying you know that?"
"Well, you can be oblivious." Cyrus stands and steps away from his swing, right into Tj's space, and the warmth spreads throughout Tj's entire body, nudging him to step closer.
"Well, you can be very judgy." a fire has started burning inside Tj's chest and he doesn't know if he wants to bury it or feed it.
Without missing a beat and taking another step closer Cyrus says "Well you can be intimidating."
Well so can you. Tj swallows, voice raising slightly "You know what else you are?"
Cyrus' voice lowers "What?"
There is a pause, it's only a second as both boys take a breath. Notice how close they have gotten, how if they each took a step forward they would be inches apart. Several different thoughts race through Tj's head. He's not sure what to say.
When did you get so tall?
You're the only person I can be myself with.
You see me, the real me.
I don't have to pretend with you.
If you hated me, I don't know what I'd do.
"The only person I can talk to like this." Please stay.
Cyrus smiles then, that full face grin that Tj secretly hopes is reserved especially for him. Only him.
The warmth returns to Tj's chest and a sense of relief flows through him. He's not sure how he knows but he knows that right now him and Cyrus are good again. That's what matters. He'll figure out why his stomach is fluttering later.
"Is it okay if I stay?" Please say yes.
Cyrus shrugs a small smile on his lips. Tj's face spreads into a smile too as they both take their seats on the swings. Tj isn't 'cool' Tj when he's around Cyrus and he likes that, he likes it a lot. Cyrus sees the real him. He sees a Tj that even Tj doesn't fully see yet, but Tj likes it. He likes himself when he's with Cyrus.
Later after they've swung on the swings and caught up on all that they missed in the week that they didn't talk and Tj let Cyrus know that it was him who told the police about the gun, Cyrus walks Tj back up the hill to get his abandoned backpack.
"So I'll see you tomorrow?" Cyrus asks.
"As long as your bodyguards let you have visitation hours." Tj lightly bumps his shoulder into Cyrus and heat spreads through Cyrus' arm.
"I think I can make that happen," Cyrus says as he watches Tj pick up his notebook and shove it into his bag.
"Cool, I'll text you later."
Cyrus' face pulls down, "Oh yeah, about that. I'm going to have to unblock you."
Tj gasps, it's half fake shock and half real.
Pulling out his phone and hitting the screen Cyrus quickly adds "It was Buffy and Andi. Look you're unblocked now."
"Yeah Sure." Tj says but his voice is all teasing.
"I'm serious," Cyrus says straining.
Tj laughs "Calm down I believe you." I'll always believe you.
Cyrus smiles then, "Okay I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah you will" Tj tosses his bag over his shoulder and starts to head on his way home.
Cyrus waits and watches him walk away. Tj turns when he's halfway down the hill and looks back waving before continuing on.
Cyrus smiles and waves back, ready to head his own way one when he spots a crumpled up piece of paper on the grass.
He hates litter so he picks it up ready to through it out but then he recognizes the scribbled handwriting. It's Tj's maybe it's important. He flattens out the page, his eyes quickly scanning over the words. There are only a couple of lines. He's not entirely sure what they mean but he's pretty sure Tj didn't want him, or anyone else to read what it says. He wants to ask Tj but he knows he should just throw it out. But instead, he neatly folds the piece of paper and tucks it into his pants pocket.
Maybe it's Tj's homework and he'll need it. Cyrus knows that's probably not true but he can't bring himself to throw it away.
If I was honest would you stay? Or would I have to watch you walk away and know that if I had kept my mouth shut you'd still be here?
Cyrus doesn't know what it means. He wonders though if maybe Tj is referring to him? and if he is what is it he wants to say?
If only both boys knew what the other was thinking then maybe they'd both say what they really meant.