Chapter Text
You are sitting on your bed with your sketchpad and are drawing. Moonchild sits in front of you cross-legged on the blankets and smiles.
Draw me, Five.
And you draw her, feeling easy and warm inside and singing some lines of a long forgotten song crossing your mind.
What is love but the strangest of feelings?
A sin you swallow for the rest of your life?
You've been looking for someone to believe in
To love you until your eyes run dry
How do you love in a house without feelings?
How do you turn what the savage tame?
I've been looking for someone to believe in
Love me, again and again*
Oh yes, you remember every detail about loving Moonchild. Back then, in her house. After… You try not to think of want you’ve done. But you can’t avoid it, the guilt rushes over you like a giant wave and for an endless moment you see and hear nothing else than the exploding flotilla. Hundreds of lives… You killed them all. It was your fault. You pushed the button. For a while, there is nothing but guilt and pain in your mind.
Hey Five, please don’t think about that again. It wasn’t your fault. And it was for the greater good. Think of me please. Think of us. We belong together Five. We are meant for each other. I’m still there for you. I love you!
Yes, it feels so good to think about Moonchild. There she sits in front of you telling you to ignore the fact that you killed all those people and she takes away the guilt from you. Relieved, you sigh. Yes, in fact it was not your fault. You just obeyed the orders to do it. You were merely her weapon. And yes, how good it felt to be her weapon. To obey her orders. To be completely hers. Like during that nights back in her house, you two begin to make love. She smells like herbs, like grass and earth. You lose yourself in emotions and feel extremely light.
Please Five, tell me you love me too. No, better tell me the truth. I want to know if you really mean it. Do you still love Sa-
Moonchild begins playing with you again. She is either letting you your will and asking you to tell her the truth and then again, hurt by your answer, forcing you to say that you love her like she does. But in this unpleasant moment the door opens and your friend Jody rushes inside. You quickly pull the blankets closer to cover your half naked body and crumple the drawing under your pillow.
“Oh, hi, Five. Thought you were out on a mission this afternoon. What did you draw? Can I see it?”
Oh man, this stupid girl, why does she disturb us in a moment like this?
Moonchild’s voice is slowly fading away.
You shake your head, quite confused, still half aroused and half beginning to realise that you were again only imagining things. Hearing voices again. Wishing Moonchild back? Oh my god, no, that horrible lunatic made you attack your friends. She controlled your mind. She got power over you. But now she is dead! The control should be gone. You realize that you spent the last hour in daydreams. In hallucinations. You just hope that Jody didn’t see your drawing.
You wonder what’s wrong with you. How is it possible that you still see and hear her? Why do you still feel so absolutely good, warm, satisfied and light around her? You should be glad that she is dead!
Then that wave of guilt comes over you again and makes your ears swish. When the blur begins to clear, you realize that Jody is still standing in front of your bed and is still talking to you. Shit, how many words did you miss? Concentrate! You try to focus on the here and now and on Jody.
“… really, Five! I don’t say this to offend you.”
You are able to get her words again.
“What?”
You have to give in that you didn’t understand her.
“Are you listening to me Five? You look really bad. Please. Go and see her.”
Jody really seems worried now.
“Who?”
You have to find out what she said to you earlier.
“Oh god, Five, so I’m right. You haven’t listened to me. Where’ve you been in your thoughts? What I’m telling you is that you need help. Please go and see Maxine. She can help you for sure.”
“Maxine is highly pregnant and already off duty, you know that. Why should I bother her with a few worries?”
You would only visit Maxine for medical advice at the moment if it was a life-threatening situation.
“Five, what are those worries about? Please tell me. What are you going through? Is it the bad conscience? Please Five, nobody blames you. Do you have bad memories? Panic attacks? Insomnia? Depressions? Oh Five, I know nothing about this all. Please tell me! I live so close to you, spend so much time with you, but I can’t reach you anymore. I have no idea what you’re going through…”
She is envious! Moonchild’s conclusion hits you suddenly. Do you believe her? Does your friend Jody feel highly excluded of your world since you were mind-controlled and she weren’t? You went to London while she had to stay in Abel. You became a hero again while she did the normal work at Abel. She had to watch when you got offers to high positions from everywhere. She had to endure your fame during the months you worked in New Canton together, always in your shadow. She was not invited to wave flags and pose for pictures.
“Oh my god, Jody, how can you be envious of my life?”
You don’t say that aloud. You have no idea what to tell her. How could she understand all this? You don’t understand it yourself at all.
“Sorry Jody. I don’t know.”
Great, obviously you’re not able to produce a cleverer sentence.
“Five, really, Maxine’s there for you and can help you.”
You can feel that this is her last try. How can she still want to help you after all of this? She should rather hate you instead. You feel so bad. So very bad. You really have to offer her something to comfort her.
“Okay, I am going to talk to her soon.”
“Please.”
She is not yet convinced.
“Yes.”
You try to sound steady.
“Okay.”
She pauses for a moment unsure what to do next and then offers you a run around the training area.
“To get a clear mind.”
What a fantastic idea, Five. I love to see you sweat!
*from the song Wire To Wire by Razorlight