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Life was created by stardust, water and energy. Everybody knew. From the young children who only heard their grandparents praise them for being created by stars to the scientists studying the matter. It was the absolute truth, the one thing nobody ever dared question. The one thing that was certain. And still there were exceptions.
When Kim Jongdae was born, his chemistry was off. Sparkles danced on his skin, energy flowing through his veins. He had been blind for the first 5 years of his life, his vision too bright with the electricity in his blood. Doctors had tried diagnosing him, had tried fixing it but nothing had changed the fact that Kim Jongdae was different from everybody around him.
His parents had shielded him as best as they could. They had done what all parents would have done to a child they loved dearly but couldn’t understand. Jongdae grew up with only his family around him and for a long time that had been enough. But people were cruel and people started talking about the Kim son who was different, who was wrong. His parents told him he wasn’t wrong but words hurt and they’re hard to fight against.
Jongdae grew up turning off electric sockets when he was near, he ruined chargers and electronics. The lights in his bedroom ceiling flickered when the energy was strong and he couldn’t control it. Anger bursts and temper tantrums created thunderstorms stronger than any storm nature had ever created and tears short circuited all electricity in his vicinity. Jongdae learned with trial and error and gossip that he was a monster, undesirable. The wrong kind of life. Too little stardust, too much energy.
He was forced to begin school when he reached the age of 16 and he was quickly isolated. Alone in the big world. Everybody feared him, was scared he’d electrocute them if they touched him. They’d seen him zap his parents lightly, a slight jump whenever they touched him, and Jongdae learned to hate everything about himself.
“Hey freak,” another boy shouted from the other side of the road. Jongdae ignored him and continued on his way to school. The other boy was persistent, though, and he continued on. “Hey freak! Go die monster!”
Laughter followed the statement and someone else chimed in, shouting obscenities towards Jongdae, who sped up, trying to drown the hatred spewed his way. It was difficult, though. Living like this was difficult and even though Jongdae fought tooth and nail to ignore the words, they got under his skin regardless.
School days were dark and free time were darker. Jongdae sat around in perpetual darkness, too scared to turn on light in case he would destroy the light switch. The candles around him lit up only enough for him to write in his diary. Not good enough, not right enough. His biggest worry was all the sadness he caused by being alive. For years he’d questioned why his parents had left him to live when they noticed the differences and for months he’d been planning to finally leave, become what was left of him. If he couldn’t live without hurting those he loved, all he wanted to do was leave.
A letter on his nightstand was his goodbye. The pill bottle on the floor was the way out. Jongdae knew it would hurt but he didn’t mind the physical pain. If only it took him away, if only it removed the pain of living. With his diary by his side, he swallowed ten pills and started writing. Every word was followed by another two pills, slowly becoming difficult to swallow. The pain started in his stomach, growling, rumbling. Jongdae felt nauseous and forced down the stomach acid that slowly crawled it way up his esophagus. He couldn’t throw up, not now. There was no way out now. The pain doubled and cramps took over his abdomen. Dizziness and headache joined and Jongdae slowly leant over his diary, still wet ink making vague prints on his t-shirt. With eyes closed and pain surging with the energy through his body, Jongdae prepared himself for the end, for the blackness that would surely engulf him sooner or later.
When he woke up, it was brightly lit. Monotone beeping sounded around him, feet rustling on the floor. Someone was lightly touching his hand in comforting motion, not for his sake but for their own. They felt rough on his soft skin. An overwhelming feeling of choking suddenly welled up in him and Jongdae jolted. The feet rustling stopped immediately and the comforting motion on his hand disappeared. Blinking he saw through the white and stared into a male face. The man was dressed in white, black hair tousled a little and glasses framing his dark brown eyes. The stranger smiled a little.
“You’re awake,” he said and fumbled with a machine. Jongdae didn’t understand. He was dead. He was supposed to be dead. Then pain spiked through his body like a lightning bolt and realization dawned upon him. Jongdae had survived his suicide attempt and he was in the hospital. The man sent him another kind smile and fumbled with something in his hand. Then he asked the other people in the room to leave and when the door was shut and the only sound was the monotone beeping of the machinery, the man sat down in the chair and looked at Jongdae grimly.
“Listen to me before I remove your tube. My name’s Joonmyun and I’m your nurse. You were born with a pinch of stardust, a sprinkle of water and a massive amount of energy. I was born with a pinch of stardust, a burst of energy and a fountain of water. We might not be the average form of life, but we are here, just as everyone else. Use this experience, not to do damage, but to help others. You’re not as wrong as you think you are.”
Before Jongdae had even comprehended the last of Joonmyun’s words, the nurse got up from the chair and started fumbling with a pair of gloves. The pain when Joonmyun removed his breathing tube was awful and Jongdae felt tears trek down his cheeks. The lights above them flickered as Jongdae’s energy zapped every electric outlet it could find to get some release. Short circuits turned off electronic devices and computers and Jongdae saw people question each other as he slowly drained the energy from the department. Joonmyun removed the last part of the tube and handed Jongdae a glass of water.
“I’ll send in your family, they are very worried about you,” he said before he disappeared. Jongdae’s mother was crying when she entered the room and embraced her son, not caring about the electrical energy that summed through his veins. Jongdae’s father had been crying but dried his tears before they fell. They loved him, they chanted. Oh, so happy they were that he was alive. And without warning, Jongdae felt anger spike. A thunder clap roared outside before a violent storm overwhelmed the hospital and Jongdae’s anger burst through his body in the form of tears. Every device around him went hay wire as the electrical energy soared out through his body with his emotions and Jongdae couldn’t control anything. All he wanted was to die and yet he was still alive.
As Jongdae’s physical body healed, a psychiatrist visited him to heal his mental health. It didn’t work out, however, because no matter how much Jongdae wanted to express everything that was wrong with him, he kept being reminded that bursting with energy was wrong. He was not the right form of chemistry, his life was a misnomer, it was different. It was wrong.
Talking to Joonmyun, on the other hand, gave a bit of free space. It wasn’t Jongdae who was admitting his fault or his wrongdoings, it was Joonmyun silently assuring him that he was just as right as everybody else. That his energy didn’t make him wrong and that he wasn’t alone with these thoughts. Joonmyun told him about his own childhood and his youth. He told him about flooding streets and destroying water pipes in temper tantrums. He told him about being alone and about learning how to control his water. He showed Jongdae how to manipulate the water within him in small scales and Jongdae enjoyed it immensely.
The visits from his parents still made Jongdae feel guilty and wrong, but Joonmyun did everything he could to alleviate the feeling. It seemed important to the nurse that Jongdae was aware he wasn’t as bad as he thought he was.
When Jongdae was released from the hospital, his physical health was in tip top shape. His mental health wasn’t as healed as his body but his energy felt a little less wild and that in itself made Jongdae more ready to take on life. He was pulled from school, once again the alienated kid, and gained his high school diploma by joining the final exams from home. He spent years getting to know himself. He wrote in his diaries, he mediated and felt his energy flow freely through him. Jongdae learned to appreciate the energy in his veins, the sparkles of electricity that flew over his skin and he learned to reel in his emotions.
Strong emotions caused chaos and Jongdae vowed to himself to never feel strongly about anything ever again.
The large buildings towered into the sky, old architecture created to look extravagant and green parks surrounding them to create the illusion of peace. All around him were people walking to and from classes, hands held between couples and laughter soaring between friends. Jongdae stared at everything in awe. At the age of 17 he had tried to kill himself and at the age of 22 he stood in front of the large double doors that led into the artistic department at the university. Joonmyun would have been proud of him if he had seen him.
Underneath his clothes crackled small bolts of electricity, excited to do something new, to start something new. This was a new life and Jongdae was determined to succeed it.
He pushed open the double doors and started at mahogany floor full of feet shuffling to and from classes. The building was a maze but with a map in hand, Jongdae set out to find his classroom. A few minutes later, he stumbled into an old room, a dusty piano in the corner. Stools sat in a circle in the middle of the room and a few people chattered amongst themselves. They were all new here, all ready to begin a new journey together.
Jongdae made sure to sit away from the few people already gathered in the room. He felt his electricity jolt in excitement again and he didn’t want to zap anyone. He was determined to not become the strange kid again. Nobody was to know Jongdae was born with an excessive amount of energy.
More people filed inside the room until it was almost full. When the last young man stumbled inside, Jongdae swore he saw a soft halo around the other man. It was like an aura but aura’s didn’t exist so that couldn’t possibly be it. Jongdae wrote it off as his energy blinding him and ignored the person who sat beside him for a few minutes until someone tapped his shoulder.
The smile was blinding, brown eyes shining in a way Jongdae had never seen eyes shine. The auburn hair was messy and almost glowing.
“I’m Baekhyun,” the smiling man said and held out his hand. Jongdae looked between them and willed his insides to calm down as he slowly took Baekhyun’s hand.
“Isn’t this so cool?!” Baekhyun continued. “I can’t believe I got accepted into this university and then as a singer! I’m not good enough to be here, I promise.”
He laughed and Jongdae felt himself laughing with Baekhyun. Surely he was good enough to be here, nobody got accepted into this program without being talented. And Jongdae would soon learn just how talented Baekhyun really was.
When Baekhyun was singing, he was glowing even more than when he had entered. The soft glow around him strengthened into golden hues than would surround him in a soft light. Baekhyun was born for the stage, born for the song, and Jongdae closed his eyes and let the other man’s voice overtake his body. It wasn’t until he felt the energy becoming too much that he opened his eyes and saw the lights flickering and people looking around. With a lame excuse, Jongdae left the room and found himself in the bathroom, light switch dying when he turned it on and the bathroom remaining in darkness.
Jongdae did his best to avoid Baekhyun after that, but Baekhyun was hard to avoid. No matter where Jongdae went, he would see the soft glow following Baekhyun and whenever in class, Baekhyun would sit next to him. It was as if Baekhyun didn’t understand just how dangerous Jongdae could be and it was Jongdae’s job to protect the other man before he got hurt. Before Jongdae did something that would inevitably destroy Baekhyun and the overwhelming trust he showed.
A loner as always, Jongdae found comfort in music. At night he would sneak into the classroom with the old dusty piano. He would keep lights off, electronics turned off. Everything was him and the piano he couldn’t destroy. In the darkness of the classroom, Jongdae could cry out his frustration, he could vent his anger to the piano keys and he could feel overwhelmed with happiness. Here his emotions weren’t in danger of creating catastrophes.
“Are you avoiding me?”
The question was so straight forward that it caught Jongdae off guard. As he turned around to see who’d asked, he was once again face to face with a glowing Baekhyun.
“You shouldn’t hang out with me,” he said instead of admitting to avoiding the other man but Baekhyun took it as a challenge and closed the door behind him.
“Why not? You’re an amazing singer I could learn so much from, you’re kind to other people except me and you seem interesting. What did I do wrong for you to avoid me?”
Jongdae wished he could tell Baekhyun that it wasn’t him. He had done nothing wrong for Jongdae to avoid him. It wasn’t Baekhyun’s fault that Jongdae was born with excessive energy, that Jongdae was dangerous and the different kind of life. He just didn’t know how to tell Baekhyun no without admitting that he was wrong and it was the last thing he wanted to admit to anyone.
“I … Nothing.”
“So why are you avoiding me?”
Baekhyun’s voice rose and Jongdae took a step back.
“It isn’t you, I promise. Just leave me be, I’m not interesting and I am not a singer that can teach you anything.”
Jongdae hadn’t expected Baekhyun’s temper to flare in a bright light. It was so bright it almost blinded him, lighting up the entire room with a strength no electrical lighting had ever created. Baekhyun stomped his foot on the floor but Jongdae was far more fascinated with the light that emanated from him.
“Stop being an idiot!” Baekhyun demanded and Jongdae frowned a bit. Even in his fascination with the light that slowly crawled back into the golden hue that always surrounded Baekhyun, he felt offended that Baekhyun called him an idiot. Jongdae was anything but an idiot. He was aware of his danger, aware of his strangeness. He had lived with it all his life, he knew he was better off alone – and here was this stranger demanding to be with him.
“I’m not an idiot,” Jongdae defended. Baekhyun crossed his arms defiantly.
“Then hang out with me tomorrow.”
And Jongdae found himself agreeing, only to prove to the strange man that he wasn’t the source of Jongdae’s avoidance and to get Baekhyun to agree to leave him alone.
Hanging out with Baekhyun was different from anything Jongdae had ever done before. Hanging out with Baekhyun was exciting in a way nothing had been before. It was difficult to keep his energy under control and Baekhyun’s glow was distracting in the strangest of ways. One day became two and soon enough, Jongdae was hanging out with Baekhyun weekly. It felt easy, easier than anything he had done before.
For once Jongdae didn’t care about short circuiting outlets or flickering lights. He didn’t care about thunderstorms in the distance or malfunctioning electrical appliances. Being with Baekhyun was as easy as breathing and to Jongdae, that was more than anything he’d ever had.
But there was one thing that made being with Baekhyun difficult. The more time they spent together, the more Jongdae learned that Baekhyun was physical. Baekhyun would touch him when he was laughing, he would instigate high-fives at random times at days and he would rest his hands on Jongdae’s shoulder to comfort both himself and Jongdae. And there was one thing Jongdae worried about when it came to physical contact.
Even though he learned to control his emotions and his energy, he never learned how to prevent it from zapping people who touched him. His parents were used to it, Joonmyun had understood that water led electricity better but Baekhyun was different. Baekhyun was bright and funny and genuine and he didn’t know that Jongdae could potentially kill him with a burst of energy.
It wasn’t that Jongdae had killed anybody with energy, not enough current had flowed into other people yet, but Jongdae knew it was possible and it was this knowledge that had him gently avoiding Baekhyun touching him. They never spoke of it when he ducked out of touch or took a step back to avoid a hug. Jongdae knew it bothered Baekhyun because he saw how the light changed in intensity, just a slight difference but enough to be noticed, and as Jongdae noticed the changes in Baekhyun, he also noticed the changes within himself.
He first realized that he liked being around Baekhyun. He chalked it up to the ease of being with Baekhyun but then he realized that meeting Baekhyun made his day a little better. Jongdae started to look forward to meeting Baekhyun and he felt so right there beside him, even if the chemistry was all wrong. And it took months before Jongdae realized that what he was feeling was potentially more than a friendship. It wasn’t just the ease, it wasn’t just the spontaneity or the fun. It wasn’t just hanging out with Baekhyun; it was wanting more.
That realization made Jongdae short circuit all electrical outlets in the dorm building. He zapped every light bulb and every electronical device within a vicinity of 10 meters crashed without prior warning. Hidden under his blanket in the darkness in the small room Jongdae cursed himself and the energy he had never asked for.
Baekhyun soon realized that something was wrong, however, and he made it his mission to get Jongdae to confess. Except this time Jongdae was adamant about not saying anything. It led to another fight, a fight that soaked the light from around and everything went dark. Jongdae felt blind in the darkness until a lightning burst through the sky and gave him just enough light to notice that Baekhyun was in front of him, noses almost touching.
“What…” he asked but never got to finish his sentence before Baekhyun pushed his shoulders and Jongdae stumbled backwards. Another lightning shone on the sky before it disappeared a few seconds later.
“Why do you hate me so much?” Baekhyun demanded and Jongdae found his footing again, electricity crackling on his skin, frustration too much for Jongdae to keep it under control.
“I don’t hate you!” he shouted to be louder than the thunder that clapped in the sky.
“Surely you must hate me!” Baekhyun shouted back and Jongdae felt anger and love well into him, strong emotions making the energy flow faster, current becoming stronger in his blood.
“You’re an idiot! I’m not avoiding you because I hate you, it’s because I’m dangerous and in love with you!”
And with that light returned around them, glowing around Baekhyun almost as bright as their first fight but a little bit softer.
“You love me?”
It was a whisper, a whisper Jongdae barely heard over the thunderstorm above them and the electricity crackling right under his skin.
“Don’t you understand? I am not made for human contact. I’m the wrong kind of life. There’s too much energy in me. I can kill you.”
Jongdae felt his chest rise and fall in shallow breaths. Baekhyun stared at him with an unreadable face.
“A pinch of stardust, a sprinkle of water, a burst of energy. Is that the right kind of life?”
Jongdae nodded furiously but slowly felt the anger ebb out and the energy slow down in his veins.
“What about a bucket of stardust, a sprinkle of a water, a burst of energy. Is that the wrong kind of life?” Baekhyun asked. Jongdae blinked a little confused. Over all his emotion, he didn’t understand what that had to do with anything. It wasn’t until he looked at Baekhyun, really looked, that he realized that Baekhyun’s chemistry was off as well.
It wasn’t that Baekhyun was glowing because of his hair color or the sunlight that seemed to find him wherever he was. It was the excess stardust in him that lit up around him.
“I …” Jongdae said but couldn’t find the words.
“Sorry?” Baekhyun supplied and Jongdae sighed and shrugged.
“I never realized,” he said instead and Baekhyun sent him a small smile.
“I don’t want to be the wrong kind of life. If excess stardust isn’t the wrong kind of a life, why is excess energy?” he asked. Jongdae mulled over the question for a while before he looked down.
“Because it can kill people. It’s a nuisance. I destroy things,” Jongdae answered in a small whisper and Baekhyun took a step closer. He wrapped his hands around Jongdae and felt the jolt as the energy touched him. It wasn’t brutal, it wasn’t destructive. It was inquisitive, careful, tickling.
Jongdae looked into Baekhyun’s eyes and saw the soft glow around him again, shimmering in the sunlight.
“You’re not as destructive as you believe yourself to be, Jongdae. Is it true that you’re in love with me?”
Jongdae grimaced.
“Don’t make me say it again.”
That had Baekhyun laughing and he let go of Jongdae. Instead of leaving him behind, however, Baekhyun grabbed his hand and pulled him along.
Life is created with a pinch of stardust, a sprinkle of water and a burst of energy. Everybody knows that. It’s as certain as day is light and night is black. Every child knows what they are – and once in a while there are those who a different, who hold each other’s hands as life challenges them to see beauty in differences.