Archive of Our Own

rumeur

You’re toxic, right through me

You make me dizzy

I’m falling for it again

There’s nothing I can do

Daniel fell in love one plain day.

He was dead tired from dance practices, and the constant murmurs he heard that trailed him everywhere—as much as he loves attention and validation from people, he hated when it followed him to his classes, when he’s out with his friends, on the way back home.

He was the shining new toy, the ‘it’ guy, the hot newcomer. People was bound to be curious, of his stories, of his colour, of everything Kang Daniel. He was weirded out by it, but as time passed, Daniel learned to live with it. At times, he’d react to the praises thrown over his way. After all, it watered his self-confidence and Daniel was glad for that. He hadn’t had such nice childhood so it was a good change that people actually like him at this new place.

“God Daniel”

“Centre Kang Daniel”

“He who holds the entire population’s hearts”

“What else can’t he do?” Jaehwan cried to the skies, hands stretched upwards as he complained that a few more of his classmates had approached him to talk to Daniel for them. As if they couldn’t speak to him themselves. “It was like high school all over again. Some even have handwritten letters, with perfume sprayed on them.”

“I love handwritten letters,” Daniel offered uselessly.

“Do you want to read your fan letters?” Jaehwan asked him, “Because I still have them here in my bag. It’s starting to affect the rest of my stuff anyway. Sewoon has been giving me doubtful looks these days. You know what,” He then said and without waiting for Daniel’s response, stuck his hand into his bag. He pulled out a small stack of letters of various sizes, shapes, and colours. And really, they all smelled good.

“I don’t get why they don’t give it to you directly.” Jaehwan huffed. “And I don’t get why you don’t want to receive them.”

“Yeah,” Jisung nodded from where he was sitting across the two. He had his eyes glued to his laptop screen as he tried looking for the right terms to type for his essay. But still, he had the time to share his thought in the conversation. “That’s kind of mean, you know. The least you could do is accept them, Daniel. They must’ve worked hard, cutting all of those hearts and pasting them on the letters.”

“And you’re troubling Jaehwan as well,” Seongwoo said next, “He is now by default the love messenger and manager of Kang Daniel.”

“Were they too much?” Daniel asked, worried, “You could tell me if you don’t want to do it anymore, Jaehwan-ah.”

Before Jaehwan could come up with a response, a light smack came to grace him with its presence. Jaehwan turned around to pick a fight with his assailant but he recoiled as quick as lightning when he recognised who it was.

“Hyung—” Jaehwan said, getting up from his seat. The rest just stared as the person, another student, stared pointedly at the vocalist.

Daniel noted the person’s appearance—head covered by a black hat, a Bape Jacket engulfing him, making the person looked smaller than he was. He had a white mask on but his eyes were uncovered—Daniel could only see those two dark orbs peering from the shadow that had masked him. Hm, interesting. 

Jaehwan began to fuss over his stuff, apologising and packing up, “I’m sorry, hyung! I completely forgot about it!”

“Yah! I waited for you since this morning.”

“Sungwoonie?” Jisung hyung called the other person. He had finally casted his eyes off the screen and was instead reaching up to give the stranger a half hug. Daniel looked at Seongwoo, and the latter gave a similar shrug. Guess that Seongwoo didn’t know who the person was as well.

“Oh, hyung,” Sungwoon, apparently, greeted back. “How are you?”

“How are you?” Jisung hyung asked instead. “I haven’t seen you in a while, Woon-ah. Where have you been?”

“I’ve been—” He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. Daniel noticed his small hands—sweater paws, Daniel noted, smiling to himself for no reason. How cute. “I took some time off last week. Had a serious back problem.”

“You were hospitalised?”

“Oh no,” Jaehwan cut in this time. He was ready to leave, with all his belongings inside his bag. He then continued, “Hyung just stayed at the dorm. And made Minhyun hyung his slave.”

“Minhyun? What did you do to him?” Jisung laughed at Jaehwan’s reply. He gave Sungwoon a light hit to his side.

Sungwoon, he took off his mask and replied something to explain himself. Daniel couldn’t hear what he was saying. He was too mesmerised by this person’s raw beauty—how he looked tired, considering the eye bags, but his eyes still crinkled cutely as he laughed at something Jisung hyung had said. His skin was untouched but it remained flawless. The tip of his nose, his clear voice, now that his mouth wasn’t covered by the mask. Everything.

God—this person literally took Daniel’s breath away.

“Who is he?” Daniel asked as soon as the two left the place, one unwillingly while the other one remained nonchalant in his steps.

“Oh, that?” Jisung hyung replied, “That’s Ha Sungwoon. He’s two years above you guys. Nice guy, humble and friendly. We work together a few times for our club activities.”

“He seems pretty mad though, just now.” Seongwoo said, crowding closer to whisper to the other two. It wasn’t like Sungwoon was still there to hear him. “I never knew that I could feel scared and threatened by someone that size.”

“Yeah, that’s how Sungwoon is. His words are blade, but he is not careless. He may be all mean barks, and even meaner bites, but that’s all there is. If you don’t touch the wrong buttons, then you’re safe. He’s a good friend, really.”

“I haven’t seen him around.” Daniel said, still slightly dazed. He was curious, so, so curious.

“Me too, actually. I haven’t been seeing him around much these days. Not even in the dorm.” Jisung hyung answered truthfully. He seemed to be in his thoughts but only for a little while before he shrugged and returned to his typing. “Oh well, now that he’s back, I guess you guys will be seeing a lot of him too. Greet him next time you see him, he’s less cranky when he has no morning class. Or delayed practice session with Jaehwan.”

----

Oh na, na, na

When we lock eyes

I can’t listen to anything else

I want to trust in you

And greeted him Daniel did.

‘Sungwoon-sunbaenim’ turned to ‘sunbae’ in a short period. It wasn’t long before Daniel could comfortably call Sungwoon ‘hyung’.

Out of all people who seemed to adore Daniel, there was one person who never spare him even the slightest glance.

Sure, they were now considered as friends. They had each other’s numbers. Daniel could joke around and drape his arms around Sungwoon’s shoulder. He could playfully call Sungwoon ‘his’ small and precious hyung. Sungwoon would sometimes reciprocate his jokes, going along with his playful antics.

In their massive differences, the two of them were still similar.

Both were hardworking, both maniacs when it comes to music and performing.

Sungwoon might be a vocal major but he could dance. Oh boy, can he move. Daniel had to physically clutch his heart to control himself when Sungwoon decided to visit his best friend, Taehyun, in one of the dance department studios. Taehyun had challenged him for a dance battle and Daniel just. When he saw Sungwoon moving his limbs, basically humping the floor to a friend’s remix of Charlie Puth’s ‘We Don’t Talk Anymore’, he had to excuse himself from the room. It was getting hotter every second.

Daniel ignored his friends’, even his classmates’ teasing stares, and went straight to the washroom to douse himself with tap water.

Sungwoon and Daniel earned themselves the nicknames, The Pomeranian Master, and the Samoyed. They both love dogs, and Daniel had to take advantage of that. He brought Sungwoon to a dog café and despite having to clean up after a dog who peed on his Reebok, Daniel had a blast. There, they talked and talked and talked, and Daniel fell even harder for the older man.

He knew Sungwoon wasn’t there yet. He’s always flustered at Daniel’s words and would sputter cutely to hide his embarrassment, but Daniel wouldn’t blame him. He was very forward and bold, simply because he found it useless to beat around the bush. He knew what he wanted, and even if Sungwoon rejected him, he would not, would never change his mind.

Daniel fell in love one plain day, but every day with Sungwoon, his life had never been any less colourful.

At first, Daniel was curious. Next, came the awe, then the feelings bloomed and before he could stop himself, he’d look for that one familiar face in every meeting. Daniel tried really hard to get his attention—put on his best outfits, flex bits of muscles he had on his body, smile extra brightly and laugh at everything that he said, despite how humourless it was.

Sungwoon did not look his way despite everything.

Daniel almost gave up and he comforted himself, telling himself that he’d be satisfied with just looking at Sungwoon from afar.

“Do you have someone that you like, hyung?” He asked one day. He had been wondering about it—maybe Sungwoon just couldn’t see his efforts because he already has someone with him.

Sungwoon smiled. That was it. He just smiled.

Daniel had psyched himself up not to get worked up no matter what reply Sungwoon would give him. But seeing this reaction from him, Daniel didn’t think that he could ever be satisfied with just being friends. He became greedy. He wanted more. He wanted to be the one who get Sungwoon to look like that, to smile like that. He was jealous. He was burning in envy. He hated it.

But he knew—he had no place, no right whatsoever to feel such emotions. They were nothing to begin with.

“I’m not with anyone right now,” Sungwoon then revealed after a few beats of silence. “If that’s what you’re trying to ask.”

Oh.

Oh.

“So, you’re not into anyone right now?” Daniel asked again, for confirmation. “You don’t have a lover or anything like that?”

Daniel was whipped and a fool for love, but he wasn’t blind. He knew Sungwoon wasn’t innocent behind closed doors. He heard rumours, he saw the marks with his own eyes. He knew when Sungwoon’s lips seemed puffier than they normally were, and they were not due to too much sleep or eating spicy food. The purplish blemishes on his skin, his dishevelled state when he showed up to an unplanned hangout, all of those signs, and still, Daniel did not give up. Not yet.

And listening to that response, Daniel saw a ray of hope.

Sungwoon gave him a look. Daniel was already too deep in his head to try and decipher what it could mean.

---

Burn all the rumors about you

I’m running towards you fearlessly, don’t stop me

All the useless rumors, rumors, rumors

I’ll close my ears, you’re the only one I trust, trust, trust boy

“He cheated on him,”

“Is that him? Is that the one? I heard about it too.”

“Yeah, it was with his own friend. Someone they’re both close with.”

“Seriously? What a trash.”

“I know right, and he didn’t look the type too.”

“I don’t know about you, but I had a bad feeling about him from before. He always has someone with him.”

“Is that his new victim?”

“Wow, it’s always the quiet ones. Does the new man know what he did?”

“Well, if you have a pretty face, some people would willingly bed you, trashy or not.”

Daniel stood up. He couldn’t stand it. His friends were startled at his abrupt act, but they expected it. Daniel had been quiet ever since Sungwoon entered the café, not long after the group made their nest there to work on their group assignment. People noticed Sungwoon when he walked in, and Daniel didn’t know if they were aware that he was there as well. Maybe they just didn’t care and thought that it was fine to talk about Sungwoon like that.

The murmurs from the neighbouring booths quietened down.

Daniel couldn’t get rid of his feelings despite how much he wanted to move on. He knew it was pointless for him to take Sungwoon’s side and tried to stand up for him. Useless really, because Sungwoon himself didn’t look that affected by the people’s words. However, Daniel knows better. Even though Sungwoon wouldn’t appreciate it, he didn’t want these people to have their way on antagonising him.  

“Daniel,” Seongwoo called, clinging to his friend’s sleeve to pull him back down.

Sat back down he did, but his view was void of any distractions. He could clearly see as Sungwoon moved to the side of the counter to wait for his drinks. There was someone with him. Someone Daniel hadn’t seen before. He looked away. They were no longer a thing. He had no right.

When Daniel looked at his friends, he found similar pained expressions. Especially from Jihoon.

“Hyung,” Woojin called from where he was sitting across Daniel. “You okay?  Should we go back or, um, move somewhere else?”

“There’s no need for that,” Jihoon grunted. “We’re settled here. If that person has trouble being in here, then it’s their fault. Stop staring, hyung,” He pulled Daniel’s arm, as if it’d take Daniel’s mind off the subject of his affection.

Daniel’s a natural jealous person. He was a possessive lover, hated the fact that he’d need to compete to earn Sungwoon’s attention. It was also like that with their younger friends who love latching onto Sungwoon for support—like Daehwi, Jinyoung and Kuanlin for example. Even Jihoon and Woojin back then. But after learning the truth of Sungwoon and Daniel’s breakup, Jihoon took hundreds of steps back from his friendship with the older man, leaving Woojin to be put in between his best friend and his favourite hyung.

It was a given that their split had caused a rift in their circle of friends. Everyone had different takes on it. Some compromised, chose to give the pair second chance and moved on. Some took it harshly. Jihoon, for example, was deeply affected by the breakup because he had full trust in their love. He was very encouraging of their relationship, had secretly wished that he’d have something like that too. When things fell apart, it was as if his own belief had failed him.

“Yeah,” Daniel finally said something. “You’re right, Jihoon. Let’s mind our own business.” He then tried to enjoy the strawberry shortcake piece in front of him. It was Woojin and Jihoon’s treat, who had just received their pay for the month. Seongwoo was just there as their designated driver. They invited him along for the free ride.

“Are they together though?” Jihoon mumbled under his breath, curiousity getting ahead of himself. Daniel just blinked, actually stunned to hear that question. Seongwoo almost spat out his drink and he was trying to calm down from a coughing fit. “Do you know who the person is, hyung?”

“Don’t ask unnecessary question, please.” Woojin sighed, nudging his best friend. “You’re supposed to be the one with tact between us, Hoon-ah.”

“Do you know—” Jihoon gradually lowered his voice and gave up on his question midway. He could see the hesitance and guilt coming of the younger man the moment his question came about. “I’m sorry—I should’ve—”

Clearing his throat, Daniel settled for a weak, “I don’t know. It’s my first time seeing that person.”

Seongwoo patted his side and smiled at him, “Must be a friend of him. Hyung knows a lot of people after all. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything to see him with other people. Don’t mind it too much.”

“Yeah,” Woojin agreed. He took a spoon and scooped a healthy portion of the cake and gave them to Daniel, “Here, have this hyung.”

Daniel smiled at his friends’ attempt on cheering him up. He reached and rubbed Jihoon’s hair. He knew that Jihoon felt guilty for bringing the topic up. Daniel couldn’t blame him for that. He knew Jihoon meant no ill intention.

The stranger who stood next to his ex-boyfriend, had an arm around his shoulder (like how he used to hold Sungwoon whenever they were in public). As they waited for their order, the man’s hand would trail to hold Sungwoon’s hair and gave his head a small ruffle. Sungwoon just laughed instead of reprimanding the person so Daniel figured that they were not just simple acquantainces. Daniel may be a jealous prick but he still has functioning eyes and he could see that the man was handsome.

“Even if that’s the case, I’m okay with it,” Daniel said. “If that person is with him now.” A lie. Woojin, Seongwoo and Jihoon looked at each other before staring back at Daniel. They probably saw through his façade but Daniel couldn’t care less.

They say your words could become a prayer, and it’d come true if you really mean it. Maybe by the time it finally happened, Daniel would really be fine with it.

---

How do I look at you from now on?

Tell me, show me your sincerity baby

My heart that can’t be stopped

I can give it to you, just tell me that everything is fine

“I’m going back now.”

Daniel looked up from where he was crouching down to fix the camera pod. He and Seongwoo had been practicing for an audition and Daniel thought that they’d have another hour to go through the choreography. But Seongwoo was fiddling with his phone, and now he was excusing himself to leave earlier. That was unlike him.

He narrowed his eyes at his older friend. Seongwoo looked away after blinking nervously under Daniel’s inquisitive stare.

“Do you have a date or something, hyung?”

“What are you saying?” Seongwoo scoffed. “I’m just meeting someone for a while.”

“But you’re going back to the dorm first?” Daniel asked as he took in Seongwoo’s busyness as he tried to stuff his bag with his training clothes and dancing shoes. “Okay hyung.”

“Shup up, Kang Daniel,” was Seongwoo’s weak comeback. He then left, but not before giving Daniel his middle finger when his roommate said, “Have fun with your date!”

Now, Daniel was on his way back, alone, after spending three more hours sprawled on the wooden floor, not doing any dancing. Of all days, he felt the loneliest and his heart couldn’t take the pain. He wanted to go for some drinks but he managed to talk himself out of it. He might fall into the addiction of alcohol and as much as Daniel hated himself at the moment, he didn’t want to ruin his future that much.

He was stepping out of the Tech Department after returning the camera tripod when he saw it.

It was the man from before. The person who’d held Sungwoon oh so gently back in the café. And right now, the person in that man’s embrace was not Sungwoon.

Daniel tried ignoring it. The two men were huddled close together, walking somewhere with arms linked with one another. They were having a small fight but it wasn’t serious especially with how they looked at each other—that kind of gaze is usually reserved for someone you love. The bickering from the two actually sounded like lovers’ spat.

He would know personally because it wasn’t uncommon for him as well. Back when he was still together with Sungwoon, as much as they were all over each other, they always ended up clashing over some trivial matters. Harmless fights really, and it solidified Daniel’s love for his former love. After every argument, no matter who turned out to be apologising, Daniel would always cast a kiss on his hyung’s forehead or the crown of his hair. He never failed to do so. And that’s why it hurt even more when they separated on bad terms.

He missed talking to Sungwoon.

He missed seeing Sungwoon smiling. Smiling at him, and just smiling in general. Lately, it had been a rare occurrence because people were harsh and unforgiving when they actually had no privileges in the whole situation.

Is he meddling with another person’s relationship now? Daniel couldn’t help but to think that way.

The couple was long gone from his sight. And Daniel, like a fool, stood there in the middle of the night, straining his head to think of something he definitely shouldn’t be doing.

“What are you doing?”

“What do you think I’m doing?” Daniel questioned back. To be honest, he himself didn’t know why he’d walked all across the buildings to get to Sungwoon’s dorm. On his march up the stairs, he tried to rationale his decision but even the hesitance couldn’t stop him from knocking on Sungwoon’s door at 1 in the morning.

“You shouldn’t be here,” was Sungwoon’s response when Daniel said nothing more. “Go back, Daniel.”

Sungwoon was not sleeping. He was wearing his glasses, the one with lens, so Daniel assumed that he was working on his paper. There was a smudge of ink on his cheek, so yeah, he was probably pulling an all-nighter. Daniel was lucky. If Sungwoon had been woken up from his sleep, who knows, Sungwoon could’ve planted a hard slap to his face. Especially when he showed up unannounced like this.

“Why are you here, Daniel?”

Daniel shut his eyes. His heartstrings were tugged harshly when he heard how desolate Sungwoon had sound like when he called his name. Daniel took a step back. If he leaves just like this, he knew how much it would irritate Sungwoon. He wanted to do so. He contemplated on it. Anything to spite Sungwoon because even after a few months had passed, Daniel could still imagine Minhyun with him. Inside this room. Door locked, clothes off, bed occupied.

Daniel looked beyond Sungwoon’s body, and focused his eyes on the entryway. Sungwoon’s shoes only. No one was with him.

Sungwoon had always been perceptive and sharp. His gazes were drilled on Daniel’s face and coldly, he confirmed Daniel’s thought, “No one is here.”

Daniel exhaled heavily.

Sungwoon let out a similar sigh.

“I saw you yesterday.” Daniel said.

Someone from a few doors down had just returned from somewhere. Sungwoon’s neighbour noticed them and his eyes lingered. Sungwoon opened his door wider and invited Daniel in. “Come in before someone else sees you here.”

“That is not a problem.” Daniel frowned, not budging from his position. “Why, you don’t want to be seen with me anymore?” Seriously, he thought, why couldn’t he filter his words today?

Sungwoon stopped moving about and looked at Daniel. “Doesn’t that apply more to you?”

“Hyung—”

“Daniel, I’m tired. What is it? You came here to tell me that you saw me? I see you all the time on campus. The university is not that big you know. And we belong to the same faculty.” 

“You were with someone yesterday. I saw you. In the café. He had his hands all over you.” Before Sungwoon could process Daniel’s words and reply him, Daniel continued, “I’m not here to judge you for your new relationship. I don’t care. It’s just that—I saw that dude just now. He was with someone else. In fact, the other person looked like he could be his boyfriend.”

Sungwoon remained passive. He just stared at Daniel.

“Look, I know that I have no right to say this—”

“Which one is it?” Sungwoon asked. Looking at Daniel’s puzzled face, he added, “Are you thinking that I’m being cheated on? Or that I’m messing with someone else’s relationship? Which one is it?”

“I don’t know,” Daniel answered.

Sungwoon was staring at him with an unexplainable expression. His eyes looked sad, and he looked like he could burst into tears at any moment. Daniel had seen Sungwoon cried in less than five fingers count.

The first time was when they watched a horror movie together and they were both scarred for life in the cinema that they shed some manly tears. The second time was when he was drunk and confessed to Daniel that he had thrown away his sea monkeys because they looked disgusting in their small makeshift aquarium. Thirdly, he broke down because of his thesis paper and Daniel had to hold him back to sleep and ensure him that he was doing just fine, he wasn’t going to fail because that’s how he is, he is good at everything and great things would come to him eventually, like how Daniel had appeared in his life.

And the fourth time, it happened on that day. Daniel didn’t like talking about it.

Every time Sungwoon cries, Daniel’s whole heart felt like it was shredded to millions of pieces.

Daniel walked a step forward. Sungwoon didn’t move away so he took it as green light for him to come even closer. His hand trembled. When he raised it up to pull Sungwoon into a hug, he could see himself shaking and the sight was almost funny. Almost. He could’ve had a good laugh out of it given it happens in another situation but right now. Right now, Daniel just wanted to hold Sungwoon in his arms.

“Don’t cry,” He whispered. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry,” Sungwoon whispered back. “Why are you doing this to yourself?”

“I don’t know, hyung,” Daniel exhaled. As he hugged Sungwoon, he pressed a small kiss to his head. “I really don’t know. I’m such a fool.”

“Don’t do this to yourself. Leave now.” Sungwoon suddenly said as he pulled back from Daniel’s hold. Quickly, he shoved Daniel and closed the door on his face.

It was over just like that.

---

Say it to me, rumor, rumor, rumor

Gossip, gossip, gossip

Say that you love me, tell that to me

Tell me everything’s gonna be alright

“Why are you like this?” People would ask. “Why do you still have feelings for him?”

Daniel didn’t want to be that guy but he couldn’t help but feeling bitter whenever people would say that. It wasn’t like he could just turn off his feelings for Sungwoon with a just a snap of fingers. He harboured feelings for him for years. They were together for seasons. He couldn’t just drop everything as much as he wanted to.

“There’s a meeting with the girls from Ehwa,” Taewoong said one day. “You’re very much welcome to come. Seems like the girls know a certain Kang Daniel and they want to meet you.”

“I told you,” Daniel shook his head, “As much as I’m flattered, I’m not ready to meet other people now.”

“Meeting other people could be a cure for your heartbreak you know.” His friend commented. “I’m not asking you to go off and get into another relationship right away. But,” Taewoong nudged Daniel’s side and continued, “You can’t just stay inside your room. It’s such a waste, you know.”

“I’m just,” Daniel sighed, “I’m not comfortable going out and meeting new people. It doesn’t feel right.”

“Why shouldn’t it feel right? You two have broken up, haven’t you? That chapter of your life was over. It’s in the past now. After all, it wasn’t your fault that it had ended. He was the one who—”

“Stop right there, Taewoong-ah.” Jinwoo halted his friend from continuing his words. “Let’s not touch on that now, okay.” Daniel gave his friend a pat on his knee for his point. Jinwoo smiled back and said this to Taewoong, “It’s up to Daniel if he wants to join or not. You should be glad if he doesn’t come along. ‘God Daniel’ might sweep all the girls’ off of their feet, you know.”

They shared a laugh as Taewoong nodded, agreeing to Jinwoo’s thought. It would surely be a disadvantage for him if Daniel really does come along.

“As much as you guys call me a lady magnet, I’m still very much into dicks, don’t worry.”

“Oh god!” Jinwoo said in distaste, hitting Daniel on his shoulder meanwhile Taewoong just cackled into another laughing fit.

“What are you guys talking about?” Jisung came over, with Jaehan in tow. They were both holding trays of their ordered fast food. “I heard dicks and lady magnet and I can’t say that I’m not intrigued now.” So, they relayed the conversation and Daniel finally laughed along as he heard Jisung’s and Jaehan’s wheezing laughter.

“Oh, Kihyun?”

“Jisung hyung!” The person Jisung greeted came over and bowed slightly to the group of friends. Daniel almost chocked on his fried chicken the moment he saw the man’s face. It was Sungwoon’s rumoured new boyfriend. Jinwoo seemed to recognise the man (Kihyun?) as well as he bumped fists with him.

“It’s been a while,” Jinwoo mentioned and Jisung nodded his head. Taewoong and Jaehan took the mini reunion nonchalantly but Daniel was panicking inwardly. ‘Jisung hyung and Jinwoo hyung know this person?’ He asked to himself, noting the conversation that was taking place.

“I was busy handling the documents for my transfer so,” He shrugged. “I’m going to stay at DIMA for real this time.”

“Oh? Really?” Jisung butted in. “But you’ve been here long enough. Why don’t you just finish the course here? Isn’t it better than to deal with more paper work and starting over from a new semester?”

“Yeah,” Kihyun nodded as well, “It’s just that DIMA is more specialised and focused on what I want to do for now.” He explained.

“After all, Minhyuk is there as well,” Jisung added, looking at Kihyun cheekily. Daniel frowned at his. ‘Minhyuk, who is this now?’ Listening to the name, Kihyun laughed shyly under the two men’s teasing. Jinwoo and Jisung went into their discussion on how the university will lose another talented vocalist.

Jaehan and Taewoong then introduced themselves briefly to Kihyun to ease the awkwardness a bit as the other two were still in their own world. When it was Daniel’s turn, he just looked at Kihyun’s raised hand.

“Nice to finally meet you.” Kihyun greeted.

“Nice to meet you too,” Daniel replied. He ignored the ‘finally’ in Kihyun’s sentence because there are a lot of people who knew Daniel, his age, his hometown, his pets’ names, and how he takes his toast even when the man himself had no idea who they were.

“We’re from the dance department,” His friends revealed, invested in a conversation with this stranger.

It seemed that Daniel was the only one who wasn’t really into making a new friend today. To the rest, it was weird because Daniel had always been a people-person. He likes meeting new people, learning new stories and is always open to new friendship. For him to coldly butt in once or twice, showed that something was up.

After a while, Kihyun decided to cut off their meeting short. With a small wave, he walked away but not before giving Daniel another curious glance.

It was getting under Daniel’s nerves and he wanted so badly to confront that man.

‘Who are you’, he wanted to ask. ‘What is your relationship with Sungwoon hyung?’ He was dying to know the answer to these questions but he just couldn’t bring himself to say it. And he couldn’t just ask his friends about it either. It was too much, even to his standard. So, instead, Daniel just bottled his curiousity and capped it.

It was Jisung who caught Daniel on his way back to his dorm. His face was etched into a worried expression and Daniel somehow had a hunch on what he was thinking. Of what he wanted to address. “Do you know Kihyun?” Jisung asked.

“No,” Daniel shook his head. His hunch was right. He knew it, he realised that he was acting a bit off when Kihyun was there. He had never treated anyone that harshly, even when he didn’t really like that person. But still, he feigned ignorance. “Why hyung? What’s wrong?”

“You know what’s wrong,” Jisung said. They began to walk and if Jisung realised that Daniel’s steps seemed even heavier, he did not comment on it. Instead of walking his normal pace, Jisung matched Daniel’s. Maybe Daniel would be comfortable in sharing what he was feeling, Jisung hoped. “You were a bit, I don’t know, unfriendly towards him? I’m just asking if anything happened between you two.”

“Nothing happened,” Daniel answered, “That was my first time interacting with him.”

“So, you saw him before?” Jisung inferred. When Daniel did not say anything in response, Jisung continued, “Well, I’m not really close with Kihyun but I know that he’s a good kid. I don’t know what happened when you saw him before but he’s really nice. And I know that you’re nice too. That’s why the whole thing doesn’t add up to me. I’m just trying to look out for you, Niel-ah. You know that, right?”

“I know hyung,” Daniel sighed. He looked at his hyung and lightly nudged him, “Thank you for worrying about me. I’ve been stressed out even more than usual these days. Maybe it affected how I treat other people, particularly strangers.”

He then continued, “Well, maybe, if you meet him again next time, you can say that I’m sorry? For how I treated him?”

“Sure thing, Daniel,” Jisung smiled back. “Although it would be a bit hard. After all, Kihyun did say that’s transferring to DIMA for good. It’d be quite hard to meet with him after this.” Noticing Daniel’s raised brows, Jisung explained, “Oh, Kihyun was a transfer student from Dongah Institute of Media and Arts.”

Daniel knew someone else who used to go there.

Jisung nodded, “Yeah, he’s his classmate from their previous school. They’re very close.”

“Close friends?” Daniel asked. “Only?”

Jisung chuckled, albeit it sounded humourless. “Yeah, only friends. Kihyun is in a relationship with Minhyuk after all. I’m pretty positive that there’s no backstories to this relationship. Sungwoon is just a close friend of him, of the both of them actually.”

Oh.

If Jisung had noticed how Daniel’s mood improved significantly after that talk, he did not comment on it. He did see how Daniel’s face had smoothened, how his legs seemed to move lighter and jumpier. He had no further say in it. Daniel’s an adult—he’d know how to take care of himself.

---

I don’t want to believe everything I hear

But why am I avoiding your calls

It took a while.

And it did not get any better. It hadn’t been back to normal for Daniel. He didn’t think that he could do normal any more. True, he went to classes, talked to his friends, went out with them, had fun like a young adult should be at this time, at this age. But things could never go back to how it was. He could never go back to how he was.

“Don’t you think that this has been dragged for far too long?” Seongwoo asked over a can of beer.

“Hm,” Daniel hummed back in question, not fully understanding where Seongwoo was heading by asking him that. He was doing alright.

“You’re not fine.” Seongwoo said. “You’re self-destructing right now.”

Daniel felt perplexed. He was doing okay—he hadn’t been crying lately, he had pushed Sungwoon to the very corner of his mind, and he was going through life just fine. That explained why he couldn’t really process Seongwoo’s words at the moment.

“You’re putting on an act,” Seongwoo added, and this brought Jaehwan to nudge the older man slightly. “That’s enough, hyung,” The vocal major whispered to his friend who was starting to get worked up. And at this rate, his provokes would end up triggering Daniel even more. He really didn’t want to cause a scene.

“Come on, it’s not like he asked for it,” Jaehwan said to Seongwoo. “Lay off him, hyung. Let him heal in his own pace.” Jaehwan understood Daniel’s feelings at the moment, and he also knew where Seongwoo was coming from. Daniel really was getting absent in their lives, more than ever these days, he might be there physically but his mind, his heart, it was rare to see him living in the present.

The circle didn’t seem to be any fun when they gather. Not anymore, not without Sungwoon, Daniel, and Minhyun, who were all different in their individual ways. In their differences, they brought diverse charms to their big family. Also, when they meet up nowadays, the atmosphere, the air was so suffocating. For them, as well as the rest of their friends. Not like the three would ever end up in the same place for more than 5 minutes now. No, that was a luxury to have.

A lot of things were left unsaid, too much hurt laying around, contrasting sides to lean on. Gradually, all of them chose not to come to their hangouts—I’m not feeling alright, I have some other things to do, another appointment with other people—in the end, they gave up. The end.

“I know,” Seongwoo said in exasperation. “It hurts, I know. But,” He took a gulp of his drink, “I can’t bear to see you like this anymore. I want my best friend back.”

Jaehwan looked at Daniel with the same expression as Seongwoo’s. “Hyung is right,” He said, eyes downcast as he also took a sip of his beer. “It doesn’t feel right now. I missed how things were.”

Daniel would not want things to go back to how they were. No. If he could turn back time, he would rather live in the miserable present. To be living in the pain of fabricated happiness, to be with a lover who loved another man, to talk and laugh with a friend who was carving and stabbing blades behind his back. Daniel didn’t want that.

“I talked to Minhyun hyung the other day,” Daniel revealed.

Seongwoo and Jaehwan looked at him in surprise. Seongwoo put his can down and asked Daniel carefully, “What did you guys talk about?”

“Ah,” Jaehwan suddenly gasped, “Was it—were you the one who—”

Daniel sighed, chuckling humourlessly. It was most probably him, indeed, if he could guess what Jaehwan was implying. The bruises on Minhyun’s face, the busted knuckles and the torn lips, he saw some acquantainces commenting and worrying around him in the hallways the morning after that night. He also noticed Dongho’s look of disapproval when he met the other man in the library.

The blame couldn’t be put on Daniel solely, not when he was also supporting similar injuries as the other one. When Jisung brought him back home that night, he didn’t say a word. The older man just cleaned his wounds in silence before putting him into sleep. He left some painkillers on the nightstand, switched the light off and locked the door, while keeping his mouth shut. Daniel had never felt that bad about himself ever. 

Seongwoo had spent the night at Jaehwan’s so he didn’t get to see, nor hear, his roommate breaking further down in the confinement of their room.

‘Someone was, there’s this jerk,” Daniel started. Just thinking of everything that happened that night sickened him. He took his beer and downed it in one shot. “The bastard was touching hyung all over, Sungwoon hyung I mean.” A deep breath. His voice was wavering, and he could sense the same ounce of rage boiling to take over. Sungwoon still had this effect on him. Unbelievable.

“You didn’t kill that man, did you?” Seongwoo jokingly asked.

Daniel smiled back at his effort. He shook his head. “No, unfortunately.” Seongwoo and Jaehwan didn’t mention how scary it was to see Daniel in that state. The man should be thanking God for letting Daniel sparing his life. Everyone knew that Daniel was more than capable of doing that (actually, more than that) to anyone who dares mistreating Sungwoon.

“Anyway,” Daniel returned to his narration, “Hyung was there too.”

“Minhyun hyung?” Jaehwan asked. Daniel nodded. “I’m surprised Sungwoon hyung didn’t punch the man on his own.”

“He did,” Daniel proudly revealed. He showed with his arms, the lower hit to the bastard’s jaw, like how he witnessed with his own two pair of eyes, “Hyung is so small, he could only reach his chin. But the dude was bleeding after that, guess that he accidentally bit his tongue when the hit landed on his face? We all know that Sungwoon hyung doesn’t need anyone to save him, he’s capable of defending himself just alright.”

A sigh came his way once more. “But that wasn’t enough. The bastard deserved more than that. Who does he think he is anyway?”

“What did Minhyun do?” Seongwoo then questioned.

“He came after I knocked some senses into the man. Guess he was about to do the same. I don’t know, I think,” Daniel told his friends. Jaehwan and Seongwoo let Daniel to share the story at his own pace. ‘After the bastard left, we…talked.”

Daniel could replay the scene so vividly in his mind. “He said he loves him. Hwang Minhyun did.”

Jaehwan sighed as Seongwoo just shut his eyes. They had a hunch. Before. Way before Daniel came into their lives. Minhyun and Sungwoon, something was just there, between them. Even in a simple conversation, they could made it sound so personal and…domestic. Back then. They should’ve foreseen that one of them would fall for the other. Frankly, it wasn’t a surprise if they were both in love with one another.

“Hwang Minhyun,” Seongwoo heaved a sigh. He should’ve known better. He was very close to both Minhyun and Sungwoon after all. He could’ve said something back then, addressed their unresolved issues, before letting things blow up like this.

“I don’t blame him,” Daniel said. “I would’ve done the same, I guess.”

“You’re too soft to be doing that, you big baby,” Seongwoo mentioned, patting his friend in the back.

“Minhyun hyung is soft,” Daniel pointed out, “But look how long he’s been sleeping with my boyfriend.” A pause. “Ex-boyfriend.” Ughhhhh, he groaned, hating the point where he’s stuck at right now. He couldn’t be without Sungwoon but it’d unfair for his own heart to brush things just like that under the rug. He didn’t want to give that Sungwoon. The pain that he received from the older man was too deep of a cut for him to be begging to get back together again.

His two companions winced at his fact check. True.

“But I forgive him. Couldn’t really blame him,” He was referring to Minhyun. “Well I did punch him in the face. But he punched me back. So,” He trailed.

“You two good now?”

“As hard as it’d be,” He crinkled the can in his hold and put it aside, along with more empty cans on the floor. As he was about to open another one, Seongwoo grabbed it from him. Daniel sighed and scooted away from the table. “As hard as it’d be,” He continued, “I want that. I want things to get better.”

“It’d heal faster once you guys talked about it,” Jaehwan offered, “Maybe that’d be the case.”

“What about Sungwoon hyung?”

Daniel bit his lips. “I still love him. Not going to change any time soon.”

“Are you—” A shake of Daniel’s head halted Jaehwan’s question.

“If it’s meant to be, it’ll be.” He said, shrugging, “I need some time off, and I think, hyung needs it too. Whatever, if he finds another man in the meantime, I’ll just close my eyes or something.”

“Hah,” Jaehwan barked a laugh. What a mentality really. He nodded his head at Daniel’s determination and selfless love. “I hope everything works out well, Niel-ah. Take your time.”

“You’re going to be alright after this, right?” Seongwoo asked him. “Come with us next time. We can skip the drinking, but just don’t avoid us anymore. Everyone misses you, you know.”

---

Love is a sweet lie

Look me in the eyes

Look what I’m going through because of you baby

He did. Get better. Eventually.

One day in a shared class, instead of avoiding Sungwoon’s eyes altogether, Daniel mustered his courage and walked up to the older man, sending him a ‘good morning’. His ex-boyfriend looked at him weirdly, then giving side glances to their crowd who were all whispering here, whispering there. Daniel hated how hesitant Sungwoon was, how uncomfortable he was feeling, still, with all the unwanted attention given to him.

In that split second, Daniel had wished that he hadn’t approach Sungwoon that morning.

But Sungwoon proved Daniel’s concern was futile. Because as Sungwoon smiled at Daniel, albeit small it was, Daniel’s heart thumped. As much as it hurt him, he still loved it. “May I sit next to you, hyung?” He asked.

Sungwoon looked around once again before giving Daniel a look. A look that somehow spelled out ‘Are you sure?’. Daniel would know. He spent days, weeks, months, almost a year trying to decipher Sungwoon and his small actions, his little frowns, the overturn of a pair of lips, a small scoff… he knew it all. Well, he assumed he knew it all.

“They’ll need to look in front eventually,” Daniel mentioned, taking a seat beside Sungwoon. It had been a while. He felt weird. He took a moment, sitting there not doing anything. When the professor finally entered the lecture room, true enough, people stopped sending them looks. Even the professor seemed surprised. Once the lesson begun taking place, he felt Sungwoon nudging him.

“Are you not going to do anything there?” He asked. Sungwoon’s first words to him in such a long time.

“Um, yeah,” Daniel woke up from his stupor and released the breath he had held. He leaned back and tried focusing in the class. Ah, Daniel suddenly remembered, his notes and stationery. He spun around in his seat, trying to reach them inside his bag. But, blank. It wasn’t even his ‘class’ bag. What he had behind him was the bag for his dancing class.

He heard Sungwoon chuckling from the side, surprised that such reaction was emitted from the older man.

“What?” Sungwoon asked him, blinking amusedly at his blank expression. “Do you need a pen? A paper at least?”

Daniel sighed, “I’m sorry, hyung,” He reached out for the items which Sungwoon had appreciatively offered. “And thank you.”

Sungwoon just shrugged, before casting his attention back to the front. Professor Shim was of course laid back with his explanation today, as usual, at the same time dissing Professor Jung, one of their other elective lecturers.

He looked amazing and Daniel very much failed masking his obvious stares. He couldn’t help it, it had been a while since they last interacted with each other. He still felt it, the sting of betrayal, and there were times in which his mind would go to that dangerous zone, where he would be left feeling nothing but hurt and anguish. Even now. It would still be hard to get rid of the feeling completely, that he aware of.

In the end, Daniel did nothing aside from staring blankly at the whiteboard, the undeciphered scribbles of Professor Shim greeting him back. And then people started dispersing, sparing him no glance as they rushed to their next schedules.

Sungwoon stayed quiet in his seat. Seemed like Daniel wasn’t the only one who gained nothing in that span of 2 hours.

“We still can’t work this out, huh,” Sungwoon said. His elbow was on the table, hand cupping his mouth. He looked sad, and maybe Daniel had looked as miserable, he doubted it not. There was truth in every word that Sungwoon had spewed and it didn’t hurt any less. It was like he was numb already, but—a lie—Daniel felt like dying with every dejected look Sungwoon sent him.

Daniel wanted to know. He had so many questions, so many things left unsaid, unasked.

Why did you hurt me?

Why did you betray me?

Why didn’t you fight? For me to stay? 

Why was it you who got hurt more when it’s supposed to be me?

Why did you look at me like that? Why are you looking at me like that?

Daniel didn’t want to cry. He didn’t want Sungwoon to see him like that, to show him that miserable state of him. He didn’t want Sungwoon to know how much influence he still had on him. How much Daniel could, would, leave everything he’d been fighting for with just a word from Sungwoon. If he had said those words, how easy he’d have Daniel to come back, to be by his side, be his person.

It was that easy. Daniel hated how easy it’d take.

“I cannot do this to you.” Sungwoon whispered. Daniel heard it alright. And he scoffed in response.

“Do you care now?” Bad choice, he knew. He was mad, confused, he wanted to hurt Sungwoon back. If he couldn’t do it directly, verbally would be his resort. He was petty, immature, unwise, emotionally-driven, he knew all of this. But. He just. Sigh. He hated Sungwoon. Hated how he could still love him despite what had happened.

“You know I do care,” was the older man’s reply to that.

He knew. That was why this was more complicated for them, for him especially. He knew that Sungwoon cares about him. Or at the very least, cared.

“I’m sorry,” Sungwoon added. “I’m sorry for everything.”

Didn’t he know that this would make things harder for Daniel. He wanted to mend things, be friends again, start all over. They could let this pass them, he could be the bigger person and forgive him. He did. But with Sungwoon saying all the things that would make Daniel waver, he knew it’d be hard to go back to their beginning. To be back as friends. Just friends.

As much as he wanted it, Daniel couldn’t stop his heart to be feeling all these intense and confusing emotions. He couldn’t hold it back no matter how hard he tried.

“I’m sorry too,” Daniel said, grabbed his stuff, and then left.

---

You shake me, it’s irresistible

Things I don’t wanna hear bother me

Why are you making me pathetic like this?

I just hate everything

Daniel really couldn’t live without Ha Sungwoon.

He couldn’t live without his smiles, his songs, his meaningful words… So as much as it pained him, being constantly reminded of what had rifted them apart, he wanted to be close to him. That explained Daniel, walking over to Sungwoon’s and Taehyun hyung’s table under one of the campus’ shades, instead of taking his designated place next to Seongwoo, Jaehwan and Jisung not far from there as well.

“Oh?” Taehyun raised a brow. “Um,” He looked at the two who begun their staring contest, feeling very out of place. He eyed Jisung who also gave him a clueless shrug. Taehyun stared back at Daniel. “Um, should I leave?” He asked.

“No,” Sungwoon answered. He then pried his eyes away from Daniel’s inexplainable ones. “No,” Sungwoon phrased again, “It’s okay, hyung. You don’t need to leave anywhere.” And Taehyun casted another ‘SOS’ glance at Jisung. He really didn’t want to get caught in between the two’s spat although he himself had no idea what would take place if he left or if he stayed.

“Well,” Taehyun trailed, “Take a seat, Daniel?”

“I—” Daniel started. “I come here…to give this back.” Sungwoon’s pen. The one he’d lend over to Daniel in one of their shared classes earlier that week.

“Oh,” Taehyun nodded. Seemed like he was the one who was trying hard to not make things awkward. He took the pen, assuming that it was Sungwoon’s (the other one hadn’t said anything and Daniel also mentioned nothing more than that, talk about awkward), and put it in front of his friend. “Your pen?” He asked.

“Thanks,” Sungwoon said, took the pen and dropped it inside his bag.

Okay. Back to awkward silence it is then, Taehyun cringed.

“Look,” Daniel began again. He took a seat in their table and turned to Sungwoon completely. Bad timing, bad timing, Taehyun tried giving the signals to Daniel but the younger one was already starting. When Taehyun wanted to move to the next table, Sungwoon shut his intention down with a stare. And he halted in his step, with his butt hanging halfway off his seat. With a demand of ‘sit’, Taehyun sat back down.

Daniel minded him not as he waited for Sungwoon to stare at him. “Hyung,” He called.

“Daniel,” Sungwoon called back, his intonation didn’t seem fine and Daniel had to cut him lest he wanted Sungwoon to shut him up as well.

“I’m sorry, hyung,” Daniel said. “I’m sorry for how I treated you the other day. If it matters now, I’m sorry for whatever I lack of. Even back then, when we were still together. I’m sorry for the angry words I’ve said—”

“God, stop it.” Sungwoon groaned. “Why are you saying sorry? You’ve done nothing wrong! Look, Daniel,” He sighed, “I was the one, okay. I did it. I ruined our relationship. I cheated on you. I’m the bad person here, I deserve all your anger, I deserve everyone’s dirty looks, I deserve this treatment. So why are you saying things like this. Don’t you know how ashamed I am, right now.”

That definitely managed to put an end to Daniel’s words. And everyone who were there to witness it.

“Did you ever love me?” Daniel asked. Eyes strained with tears, lips crumbling from the holding it back, heart lurching at how much this whole thing hurts him. “Why him? Why did you agree to be with me when you’re already with him?”

“We were not together,” Sungwoon explained, “Him and I. That was it, Daniel. We were never a thing. We could never become something real. I really…of course I really love you. How could you ever question that? I’ve loved you then, never thought that I would, but I did. But I…I fucked up. I let a fragment of my past overpower me and I did a wrong thing.”

“But it wasn’t a one-time thing.”

Taehyun sighed for the two of them. Sungwoon said nothing at that and he let the tension took over him. He cried there, out in that overt situation, hands struggling to keep the sobs at a minimum. They were in a public place for fuck’s sake, he gritted at himself. But he couldn’t stop the tears especially after listening to Daniel’s crestfallen tone.

“No,” He answered trustfully. “It wasn’t.”

Taehyun, also affected by the whole conversation, felt like he couldn’t sit there and listened to the whole thing anymore. He got up, patted both crying men and left.

“I’m sorry…” Sungwoon cried. “I’m so sorry. I did wrong, I was wrong, not a single day went by without me regretting everything. I didn’t mean to hurt you. It was never my intention. Please…I’m sorry.”

“What do you want me to do, hyung? Will me forgiving you would make things better for you? Will it help? Please, don’t cry,” He begged, seeing more tears falling from Sungwoon’s face. He hated it when Sungwoon cried. His heart felt like being prickled by thousands of needles, lurched and twisted to nothingness.

Sungwoon did not respond. Still trying to contain his tears. Daniel got up from his seat and Sungwoon stopped him. “Don’t,” He pleaded as well, “Don’t hold me.”

Daniel would do as he wished. He ignored Sungwoon’s warning and went around his seat to march towards the older one, finally engulfing him in a hug. Sungwoon cried harder. He’d never seen him like this and Daniel would trade anything to never see this happen again. No matter what, it was just Daniel’s place to be holding and comforting Sungwoon like this.

“I hate you, I really hate you, hyung” Daniel said as he cradled Sungwoon closer to him. One arm around his shoulder, another one holding his head close. Sungwoon’s own set of hands were holding his padded jacket, gripping any sense of warmth Daniel could offer.

He missed this. He was being unfair. He’d taken so much away from Daniel, received, received, always on the receiving end. Even now. What he ever gave the younger one was nothing but deceit and pain. How could Daniel still hold him like this?

“You’re crying like a kid, how could I not hold you?” Daniel sniffled, lips close to Sungwoon’s head.

“You said you hated me,” Sungwoon droned.

“I could never,” Daniel shook his head. “As much as I want to, you know I can’t.”

Sungwoon’s crying ceased, leaving him sobbing like a toddler merely. His nose was red, lashes wet and sticking to his skin, and Daniel couldn’t help his chuckle. He put Sungwoon’s head against his chest again, loving how Sungwoon no longer pushed him away.

“I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

“Then don’t leave me and get hurt anymore.”

“This is not right,” Sungwoon replied, “We can’t make the same mistake. Not you,” He backtracked, “I mean me. I’m afraid of hurting you again. You’re not yet healed. You can’t do this to yourself.”

“I know,” Daniel sighed. “I just wish I could see you again. I don’t want to hide from you, and I don’t want you to hide from me anymore. Don’t tell me this is the end. I can’t be without you, hyung. I can’t stand it.”

---

Be honest and look me in the eyes

Stop avoiding me, please, stop it

Everything’s going to be alright

Things get better. They really did. They were not together, no, not anymore. But it was okay. It was fine. He could deal with that. Daniel lived two full decades without knowing Ha Sungwoon. He could deal with not being boyfriends and lovers.

Friends.

He could do that. If it meant for him to see him again, to see his smiles, to hear his songs, his meaningful words. Daniel could deal with that. What scared him the most would be the older one to fade from his world. Daniel couldn’t bear getting his heart broken like that twice.

They healed. They moved on.

And eventually, Minhyun did too.

Sungwoon and Minhyun were roommates, best friends, practically soulmates. They shared the same passion, the same dream, the same heartbreak. Daniel should’ve noticed it back then. There was something different in their gazes, words laced with inside jokes and thousands of memories he would never get to know. He should’ve known.

But whatever. Everything was in the past. He could let things go.

Things were as they all wished. The squad got back together, meaning more impromptu meetups, more alcohol and unhealthy late-night snacks, more laughter, more memories. Daniel finally felt something other than happiness, he was not whole, not yet, but he was close to it. His friends were contented, he got to see Sungwoon’s happiness in person, and that was enough to satiate him.

Still. Things wouldn’t ever be the same.

The doubt in Daniel stayed there. When Sungwoon talked to another person, a random classmate, acquantainces, even any of their mutual friends, Daniel’s heart would thump loudly. Scared. He’d been preparing for that ache again, learning to be thankful for what he had instead of risking it all. He didn’t think he could handle the darkness if the same thing would occur.

It turned out to be not as dramatic as he imagined.

He didn’t feel the urge to punch Minhyun anymore, so that’s going somewhere right. Daniel wasn’t that irrational. He even made a vow not to get butthurt if Sungwoon makes a choice and picks Minhyun.

Daniel could even pretend that he wasn’t staring if Sungwoon happened to be talking to Minhyun. They were still awkward, all three of them actually, but watching Minhyun and Sungwoon interacting was painful to watch. Daniel wondered if everyone else was feeling the same when they saw him and Sungwoon or Minhyun. Could be, most probably.

“You okay there, buddy?” Someone asked. It was Jihoon.

Daniel chuckled and mock-strangled his younger friend. “Who are you calling buddy here?” He asked.

Jihoon smiled as he took a seat next to Daniel. Someone suggested a BBQ slash drinking party down at the open space at the previous dorm meeting and the higher ups actually agreed to it, even chipping meat to be barbequed. Most of the residents were around because well, free booze and you could just crawl up to your room if you have too much for the night. They took out several sofas from each floor’s main lounge.

And that was how Daniel got a definitely not completely sober Jihoon draped over his shoulder.

“Hyung,” Jihoon gathered Daniel’s attention as he slurred his words, “Listen here. I have something to tell you.”

“What is it?” Daniel asked. He then called out to Woojin, “Woojin-ah, can you collect Jihoon before he confesses to me?” That was a joke obviously and the other dancer just waved an ‘Ok’ from where he was standing, hogging the fresh meat, without even budging from his position.

Jihoon shook Daniel’s bigger physical and leaned in to whisper, “I actually,” He paused to giggle, causing Daniel to flinch from getting hit by his breaths. “This is a secret but…oh, look at Sungwoon hyung,” He trailed. Daniel’s eyes darted to look at the older man like what Jihoon instructed. However, he couldn’t see what Jihoon had told him to because the younger one had shaken him again, “Don’t make it too obvious, hyung.”

“I’m not,” Daniel laughed, trying to free himself from Jihoon’s grasp. But he did take a peek at Sungwoon who was at the grill, cooking along with Jisung and Jonghyun. Sungwoon was looking over at their direction and instead of turning his head right away when Daniel looked up, he kept the eye contact for a moment before smiling. And then continued turning the samgyupsal and cutting it into bite-sized pieces.

Not gonna lie. Daniel’s heart skipped a beat.

But then, Minhyun came into the scene, bringing an empty plate with him. Actually, he went over to Jonghyun as his friend called him for a plate to serve the meat. Jihoon was still giggling over his one can of beer which made him the drunk man he already was. Therefore, Daniel had his attention unoccupied to observe the interaction taking place from a distance.

Jisung was talking to Minhyun already, the tension had soon melted between them two. Albeit Jisung’s close relation with Daniel (he was one of his first close friends and they knew one another for a long time already), Jisung’s too big of a person to not forgive Minhyun and treat him coldly. And they helped Daniel to heal as well, having supportive friends who didn’t try to corrode the bad blood between them even further.

Daniel didn’t know what to feel—the moment Sungwoon turned around and noticed Minhyun’s presence—the way Minhyun looked at him, full of affection and keenness—it made insecurity came back, knocking on Daniel’s already feeble barricade.

Jihoon spoke up again from his side, shocking Daniel. “I used to like hyung too. Sungwoon hyung, I mean.”

What. Daniel looked at Jihoon, stunned with his unexpected confession.

“It was just a small crush,” Jihoon laughed, “I even mentioned it to him last time as a joke.”

“Not surprising actually,” Daniel replied. Really, now that he thought of it thoroughly, “You’re always ‘hyungnim’ here, ‘hyungnim’ there. You try to bite everyone who coos over you, who call you cute. But that never happened to hyung. I always thought that it’s cute, how you harboured a crush at him without realising it. Well, I thought that you never realised it.”

“That was before I realised that I had fallen in love with my own type of fool so...” And they both looked in the direction where Woojin was screaming like a pterodactyl somewhere. He was nowhere close them but his noise transcended over the distance. Daniel laughed and ruffled Jihoon’s hair.

“Anyway,” Jihoon shook his head, treading back into the conversation. “When I told him jokingly that I liked him, he just smiled and nodded his head. He thanked me, said he’d take it as a compliment anyway. He didn’t belittle my feelings so I really appreciated that. And one more thing,” Jihoon paused.

Jinyoung came over towards them, holding a red cup which certainly didn’t belong in his grip. He sat at Daniel’s other side and Daniel scooted a bit to accommodate him. “Continue,” Jinyoung gestured to Jihoon.

And continuing his sentences Jihoon did. “When I told him that, he said that he can’t bear to hurt you anymore. That he’s trying his best to not let you down. That he already fallen too deep in love with you, hyung and he can’t spare anymore space for anyone else but you.”

“Ah, Sungwoon hyung?” Jinyoung asked, eyeing Daniel’s reaction as he said his name.

“Yeah,” Daniel looked at Sungwoon’s way. “I thought that he loved me as well…but…”

“He does.” Jinyoung interrupted. “What happened between him and Minhyun hyung… it was… dragged far too long. I can’t ask you to understand them and forget everything, no one can’t ever do that, but it’s in the past now. Sungwoon hyung had given up on Minhyun hyung for a long time, not long after he’d met you, hyung.”

“What,” Jihoon jostled in his seat, pushing Daniel back to stare at his friend, “So, you knew about them.”

“Even if they never said anything to us, it was obvious. I was exceptionally close to them both, so I happened to find out about it.” Jinyoung explained, “But believe me, hyung,” He turned to Daniel, hastily elaborating his point before he could get any wrong ideas, “I thought it was over, the thing that they had after you entered Sungwoon hyung’s life. I’m pretty sure they wrapped it up before you got together with him.”

“It’s…okay,” Daniel sighed. He didn’t know what to do, what to think of everything. “It happened. It’s in the past now.” He really didn’t want to open the pandora box. He had kept and bottled everything far, far away in his distant memory. It was enough for him to be thinking about it whenever Minhyun and Sungwoon had the smallest interaction.

“Ah, Sungwoon and Minhyun hyung,” Jihoon cried into his palms. “How could they…”

“Hey,” Jinyoung chastised, “They’re humans too. They happened to make mistakes, we can’t keep on reminding—”

“The same mistakes,” Jihoon pointed out, getting all riled up at Jinyoung’s defence towards those two. Jihoon slumped back into the seat and grumbled, “And the ‘mistakes’ they did… it happened over and over, covering a lie with another lie.”

“Jihoon,” Daniel desolately called. “I think you had enough already. I’m going to call Woojin, okay? To come and bring you upstairs.” Without waiting for Jihoon’s response, Daniel proceeded to wave Woojin over. Jinyoung remained quiet in his seat, definitely feeling bad because he’d butted heads with Jihoon. Everyone knows how much he adores the other one so it was certainly eating him up.

After everyone saluted Jihoon’s wailing departure (Woojin had tossed him over his shoulder, firefighter style and walked away after sighing and dejectedly putting down his own drink), Daniel looked at Jinyoung who was still sulking.

“Look, I’m okay,” Daniel nudged him, “I understand where you were going. So,” He patted Jinyoung’s back, “Thank you, for looking out for me. For trying to make me feel better.”

Jinyoung responded with a small smile and he leaned his head against Daniel’s broad shoulder. “Hyung still loves you. I’d seen them both for years, hyung. After you got together with hyung, he’d never looked at Minhyun hyung, or any other person, the same way he looked at you, how he looks at you.”

“You know I still love him, right.”

“As clear as the sky,” They both looked up to the same empty sky, void of any clouds and was instead illuminated by distant stars.

“And like what you implied, hyung might’ve still loved me. But what happened was…it took a part of me, Jinyoung-ah. Even now, when I look at him, just listening to his voice, his laughter, this part right here,” He clutched his heart, soothing the ache that begun to form. Sungwoon was so close, but at the moment, he felt so far-off. “It aches so much. So even if things were over between them, it wouldn’t change the fact that…that he chose him over me. Multiple times. Right in front of my eyes. It would take a while for me to be okay with that.”

“But you can’t help but to be close to him,” Jinyoung concluded.

“But I can’t stay away from him,” Daniel nodded.

“I know that feeling, hyung,” The younger one said. “Even if it hurts you, that you’re not good enough for him to choose you, you can’t help but stay,” He trailed, eyes falling off to a certain couple at the corner. One particular bubbly person trying to feed his chosen person, as their close friends cooed and teased them. Instead of shying away, Dongho brought Daehwi closer to him and hugged him, accepting his boyfriend’s meat wrap and eating it contently.

Daniel understood right away, no words needed. “Wow,” He just said. “Want a drink, my dear dongsaeng? For our broken hearts.”

“Hey hyung,” Jinyoung laughed, “I’m good. Don’t want to leave the party so early, I haven’t had the cake after all.” But he did take a gulp of Daniel’s beer and then pushed it away, before taking something from the nearest table and began gnawing at the grilled squid.

“There’s a cake?” Daniel asked.

“Yeah, but it’s still kept away. Jisung hyung loves his climax after all.”

“Wanna sneak inside and grab it? Jisung hyung never get mad at us anyway.”

Jinyoung smirked and nodded his head, feeling a bit lightheaded but all in good nature. Maybe he needed it. Maybe they both needed it. “Let’s go then.”

---

Love is blind

Now I’m blind

Don’t stop, keep talking

Even if I stop breathing, trapped inside you

Love is blind.

Daniel disagreed.

Infatuation is blind. Infatuation, greed, demanding to hear the lies instead of accepting the truth, that is blind. That’s self-harm, that’s denying yourself from happiness. And he was once blind. He was infatuated, with a relationship so perfect, with the man of his dream, with a hurrah of support given to his decisions.

He was once so blind.

Sungwoon had once told him, in one of his bad days where he didn’t feel like talking, when things were particularly hard on him, he had whispered one of his biggest fears to Daniel. Love itself, he had said. Daniel was too happy in love, maybe too deep in his infatuation at the moment, he failed to understand what Sungwoon had silently screamed for him to see.

“Why are you afraid of love? Why love?” Daniel had giggled, hand reaching up around his naked chest and stopping in the middle, a bit on the left side where consistent beats were found. He kissed Sungwoon’s head, waiting for his lover to talk.

“Are you not afraid of love?” Sungwoon asked him back, playing with his fingers. 

“I fell in love with you at first sight, hyung.” Daniel answered, “And since then, I knew exactly what I wanted.”

“But how could you be so blind?” Sungwoon teased him. “I was no way in any good condition when we met for the first time. I was sick, Niel.”

“Blind?” Daniel scoffed, “Have you seen yourself, hyung? You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. You weren’t perfect, you had eye bags and was engulfed in your hoodie when I first met you. But I just know, love isn’t blind. Love is seeing something others failed to see.”

Silence.

Daniel almost loosened his hold on Sungwoon but the older man stopped him. “You were very aggressive in pursuing me.” Sungwoon continued, pulling Daniel closer and Daniel, he gladly abided. He didn’t need to turn around to see Daniel’s flushed face. Just the giggle and the shy smile that he felt against his skin was enough to reveal that much. “How are you so sure? Why were you so confident? For all you know, I could’ve loved someone else then.”

“Did you? Were you?” Daniel asked, mind only tangled on the latter part.

“See, were you not afraid of love itself?” Sungwoon asked him. When Daniel pouted and bit his shoulder as his small revenge, Sungwoon just laughed and brought Daniel’s hands closer to wrap around him. He just loved Niel’s warmth. “I have no one in my heart now, no one other than you.”

It had sounded sad back then and Sungwoon’s vague and random late-night questions began to make sense after they split up.

Love is not blind. Love is all-seeing and accepting, they said. Love is accepting the bad things, and working around them. Daniel had never fall out of love, never once getting rid of Sungwoon out of his head.

Not after weeks, months, seasons later.

He blinked once. Twice. And Sungwoon would be graduating tomorrow.