Chapter Text
Cas doesn't know whether he wants to laugh or cry or just try to rip his own heart out. It doesn't matter. Nothing would help just now. He vaguely wishes he had the strength to be bitter because that at least would be a release. But right now all he feels is terrible pain, as if his heart is being slowly taken apart and removed in pieces. He should have known. He should have known all along. That seems to hurt the most right now, the sheer weight of his own stupidity in falling in love with somebody who would never return it. It all seems so preventable in hindsight.
Dean Winchester loves someone else. That's all there is to it. That's the end of Cas's world. The place where all his hope was stored up has died and there's no getting it back. Of all of his father's creations, Cas wonders why he has to be the stupidest one. How fitting that the man he would fall for would fall for someone else.
As big a hangover as he has this morning, he can't quite bring himself to regret emptying half a bottle of whiskey before bed. It was the only thing that could have made him sleep the night before Dean's wedding.
He hasn't worn a tie in a while, but today he's wearing a blue one similar to the one Jimmy used to wear. He still can't tie it right and it ends up all backwards. Oh, well. Either Dean or Sam will fix it for him. He pulls on his trench coat over his suit jacket, grateful for at least that to hide behind. Cas can still feel the searing pain in his chest and a crying spell is on its way. He just hopes he can make it through today.
Cas drives to the chapel in the car that's made him the butt of jokes from practically everyone but Sam. Before getting out he stops to take a few deep breaths; he's not at all sure he has the strength for this. He stays too long apparently, because Sam knocks on the passenger side window and he exits the car then. Sam's eyes are far too understanding and Cas's own eyes start prickling. He blinks hard and fast to clear them and Sam pretends not to notice.
“Am I late?” Cas asks.
“Nope. The lovebirds aren't here yet. Here, let me fix your tie.” It feels strange to have it hang straight. “Did you get here okay?” Sam asks, because he can't ask the one he wants to. How are you? Are you okay?
“I'm still breathing.” No. I don't think so.
This tortured form of communication stops abruptly as Dean and Heather pull up in the Impala. She's beautiful. You have to admit that. She's beautiful. It's the first time Cas has seen her outside her hunter gear and it's no wonder Dean chose her. Cas has to stop himself wondering, and not for the first time, if things would be different if he'd taken a female vessel. He's determined not to think of what-ifs today, not while Dean's getting married.
There are a total of eight people present at the wedding. Dean and Heather, Sam and his girlfriend Addy, Heather's brother Richard and his wife Rachel, the man officiating, and Cas all standing close to the altar. This is a wedding for hunters, small and simple. It's fitting somehow. All in all, the ceremony only lasts fifteen minutes.
They spend the next hour in a restaurant by way of a reception. It's not much, but it's good enough and they're all together. Cas is the last to leave, as if the noise and the people can stop the hole in his chest from spreading. But nothing can fix it now, not now that Dean is gone, and it had all been so quick.
The drive back to his hotel room is a slow one. It feels like his soul is on fire and he might have to throw up soon. He didn't expect the reaction to be so physical. As he carries the half-empty bottle of whiskey over to the bed, it seems he's put off the tears so long they have trouble coming now. Cas turns on the radio, looking for something, anything, that could help lift this terrible pressure off of him. The song that warbles out to him is one that Dean would probably laugh at. Some country song about a breakup. It doesn't matter what it's about, really, because it's close enough. Cas has never cried before, not like this. He's never sobbed before, never wanted to cease to exist.
At least I'm human now. He can't help but laugh a little bitterly at that. The thought should not be as comforting as it is. I'm human now and I'll die one day and it'll be over. Thank God. After all, he's died for Dean many times. What's one more?