Archive of Our Own

I am the small town’s guardian spirit.

I am the only stone lion in this town—

the only guardian spirit.

You see that I’m smaller than a cat

But my age— it’s much greater than even the oldest person in town.

Everybody loves me a lot.

Even on New Year, they won’t forget me.

Even walking the night paths,

the children feel safe when they see me.

The elderly sometimes pat my head and sigh,

remembering the days of their youth.

And I remember everything,

remember every person in the village,

everything that has happened.

Children grow up, and then they leave.

Maybe they’ll forget me.

But I remember them, miss them.

I won’t forget anyone.

I am the small town’s little stone lion.

The Little Stone Lion

-

The sofa is just as raggedy and comfortable as he had always remembered, albeit a bit more sun-soaked from its new position next to the always-open window. Shownu wonders if the leather will shed from the harsh glare of the sun, and then he wonders if it’s even real leather in the first place. Growing up as a chubby little shy boy in a small town, Shownu had decided from a really young age that the person who hated hearing his voice the most was himself, so he took most things he was told at face value and didn’t like to question it, and when he did, he didn’t get many good answers anyway. He supposes some part of him believed that, somehow, he would grow to understand everything he had ever secretly wondered, because his brick of a father had never seemed to falter, seemed to know everything. Of course, now that he’s older, he knows none of that is true. He’s okay with talking now, and if he’s quiet now, it’s only because he had grown up to be a man who easily preferred the voices of the ones he loved around him. He also knows his father did not know everything, because the unsmiling, stifled man would have spat in his face if Shownu had said the previous sentiment out loud.

He guesses that his mother must have moved the couch to the window after his father had passed away, after he was no longer around to bark at her gruffly that he hated the sun in his eyes as if she could help that his huge couch was blocking the main door of the house and had to be moved.

Shownu doesn’t know if she misses him or not. Occasionally, he’ll see her slow down just by a split second as she passes by the giant portrait of his father at the hallway, but for the most part she acts as though nothing has happened. Of course, it has been about a year since the funeral. She must have been more broken then, sobbing over his casket in the long black dress he had bought her despite her protests, joking that she might need it if he ever could die. He imagines the little frame of his tired mother shaking in the centre of the black-clad crowd of the townspeople, mourning over the man she had loved who had thought himself invincible, so much more alone than expected, because she could never have imagined that her only son would not have shown up for his own father’s funeral.

It was cruel of him, he knows. When he had gotten the call, he had lazily untangled his arms from around his boyfriend’s waist and stared at his mother’s caller ID for eons, tempted to decline the call. After picking up, hearing his aunt tell him the news because his mother was too deep in shock, he had simply replied a quick, “I see, okay.” Then he just rolled back onto the bed, reassuring the worried Wonho that nothing was wrong, and then going back to sleep. On the morning of the funeral, he had woken up early and put on a black suit, only to break down sobbing into Wonho’s arms begging him to please don’t make him go . It was so selfish, but he couldn’t go back, not then, not when he was still so angry and hurt and so many parts of him were still broken by his now-dead father.

Later that day, he had thrown his phone into the river after the thirty-fifth missed call from his mother, and if Wonho was angry, he had only expressed it through quiet tears, watching his gentle boyfriend break down from the biggest conflict he had ever faced in his life.

And then it had gotten harder and harder to come home. Shownu had himself convinced he didn’t even want to, and carried on like nothing had ever happened. He had gotten used to it anyway, having lived away from his parents for years and years after having a huge fallout over his “lifestyle”. Even before that, he had steeled himself for the day when he would suddenly have to stop talking to his parents indefinitely. So many people didn’t understand how he could so genuinely and deeply despise his parents, and so outrightly express it, even when the rest of his thoughts and sentiments went unsaid. It’s easy, he thinks, to hate your parents when hate was the only thing they had deigned to teach you, his father’s words sharp and cutting, and his mother wrapping it up with words of dismissal and tucking it into bed with him as if he should have been thankful.

“Have you had lunch?” His mother’s quiet voice shakes him out of his thoughts and he struggles to put his face back on straight. When he looks at her, he only holds nonchalance in his eyes, and it’s about the most loving emotion he can muster. It’s not her fault, he has to keep reminding himself. If she had made a mistake, it was to trust the teenage boy she had married to retain that same youthful, foolish affection that he had back then, and to trust him not to take the angers of lost childhood out onto his innocent son. If she had made a mistake, it barely matters anymore, because now she’s just a broken little lady trying to reform a semblance of family, and Shownu is the only one she has.

He shakes his head and turns away, deciding to take a walk outside. He had barely had a look around his hometown since he had arrived back suddenly a few days ago, six months after ending things with Wonho.

Subconsciously, he had begun to live his life by how much he hated his parents. It was no way to live. He had been the angriest when they had turned Wonho away at the dinner table, refusing to believe that their only son would ever choose to be with another man. He had been so angry that they had refused to spare a look at beautiful Wonho and his honest eyes and pink lips, and all the traits that they had always wish for, loudly, in the daughter-in-law they would never have. He loved Wonho with all his heart and had wanted to spite them with all his heart, and at some point he had stopped differentiating the two. Loving Wonho, spiteing them, loving Wonho to spite them. It was no way to live, no way to love. When their five year long relationship had finally come to an end, Shownu had been lost for so long, as if he had never found anything to do other than what his parents didn’t want.

So he had come home.

He walks along the streets of the town, and it looks exactly like he remembered it, but different, somehow. The stalls that lined the streets, that had always looked like pop-up stalls but had always remained forever, were still there, but they now sold bracelets and cheap phone cases instead of play-doh figurines and cheap comic books. The stallowner takes a while to recognize him. The elderly woman with wrinkles from her easy smiles and sharp temper squints at him, hobbling closer and holding him by the shoulder. He smiles down at her painfully, staring into her eyes that have clouded over. This same woman, years ago, had been stuffing his bicycle’s little basket with treats, refusing to take no for an answer, demanding that a good little boy his age be spoilt with all the goods the small town had to offer. Besides, it’s Christmas, she had claimed, refusing to let his father pay for the many extra comic books he had received.

THEN

“Mrs. Lee, I really can’t take these. How can I let my child rob you blind?” His father says it jokingly but firmly, removing Shownu’s many treasured gifts one by one and pushing them back into the smiling stall-owner’s hands. Mrs. Lee is even more firm, putting the books back as quickly as they’re taken out and winking at little Shownu, who watches the whole faux-fight with a look of mild curiosity, his tiny mouth open between two huge, fat cheeks. Truth be told, seven-year-old Shownu barely cares what is happening, or who the victor of the two adults’ showdown would be, being more occupied with the newest copy of the old comic series he used to occupy himself with. He climbs off of his bicycle and wheels it away, resting against a wall and opening it excitedly once his butt touches the nearby bench.

The adults’ voices fades off into the distance as he gets absorbed into the black and white pages of the comic. His eyes follow as the protagonist finally finds his good friend again after he was taken hostage, and begs him to come with him. Go… He came all this way to find you… He urges the friend in his mind, his chubby fingers tightening around the spine of the paperback book. He’s so absorbed he doesn’t even notice that more books have been taken out of the little orange basket on his chained up bike, his father having just barely won the battle.

Strong, strict Mr. Son did not want his son growing up “spoilt”, which to him, obviously meant that no one was allowed to be soft to him, and meant that no one was allowed to be kind to him, in case he grew up and dared to think that he was allowed to want anything that he didn’t need.

Thankfully, when he pulls Shownu away from the stalls, bicycle and all, he doesn’t notice the little comic book his son still has clenched in his hands or how the boy doesn’t even look up from being buried inside the pages. He leads Shownu all the way home and doesn’t notice at all, and little Shownu is too distracted with his handsome hero to remember to be relieved. The minute his father’s tight grip on his shoulder is released, he sits on the porch of the house and continues to read until he’s finished the issue. The hero’s friend had agreed at last to go home with him, and Shownu almost cries, having to blink a couple of times and turn away from his book.

Only then does he realise that there is someone in front of him, staring at him from point-blank range with a bemused expression on his face. He remembers being shocked, but doesn’t scream, and instead lets a wide, happy grin form on his face at the sight of his good friend. He tells the other boy everything about the issue and they chatter about it excitedly, a hush falling only momentarily over them every time Mr Son’s shadow appeared at the window. Then they would stare at each other in worry, closing their mouths tight, and then blast back into non-stop talking again as if that was the end of it. His friend is just as happy about the ending of the issue as he is, because the two of them really had been rooting for the fictional best friends together.

When Shownu is called in for dinner, he hugs his pretty friend goodbye and is about to turn around and go when his pretty friend pulls him back.

“I almost forgot why I came! Mrs Lee told me to bring these to you and sneak them into your house. Mind sneaking me in, Nu?” Shownu looks down at the stack of comic books from earlier, now nestled into the boy’s arms, and bites back an excited laugh, nodding so hard his head might have fallen off. Mrs Lee is so persistent! Shownu runs back into the house five minutes later than he was called for, and into the disapproving looks of his parents already seated side by side at the dining table. He smiles at them sheepishly and starts forming an excuse just as it came out of his mouth.

“I… was… admiring the trees, because you told me to… right?” He has gotten off to a bad start, judging from the narrowed eyes of his father, but it’s okay. Behind his parents, squeezing through the narrow passage between their chairs and a wall on his tippy-toes, is his friend with an exaggeratedly worried expression on his face, sneaking his comic books into his bed room. Nice! He forces himself not to watch the spectacle for too long, making full eye-contact with his father as he bullshitted to him. “Because you said… you said… that my eyesight is bad because I can’t see green.” Obviously he hadn’t, but that’s all poor Shownu can remember to say as he struggles to hold back laughter, watching the insane dramatics of his sneaky friend. What he had said was that you should look at greenery when resting your eyes in order to maintain your eyesight, so Shownu supposes he got a bit of it correct.

Mr Son stares at his son coldly. “Spoilt and stupid. The whole package.” It isn’t anything more or less than what Shownu expected and planned for, but it hurt anyway. Even more, actually, because he sees the pretty, delicate face of his friend crumble as he watches the ordeal, before it disappears behind Shownu’s room door. Shownu forces himself not to cry, trying to focus instead on the stack of books that have just been deposited into his room.

NOW

She doesn’t remember him all too well either, and reminisces with him about all the childhood stories that don’t belong to him. Staring at the clouds in her eyes and feeling her hands shake where they hold on, and then her strong smile that signals that she doesn’t need anyone’s help, he can’t bear to correct her. All the same, he wonders what did happen to all the little boys whose stories he is now forced to claim. Did they leave too? He soon walks along alone again, sweating up the bracelet he had gotten as an insistent free gift, wandering the streets he grew up surrounded by.

She had gotten him mixed up with his old neighbour Kihyun, and he had just nodded along as she recounted the story of him messing around with the stall products and then hiding behind the small stone-carved lion statue in the centre of the town, as if the little stone lion could cover even him when it was smaller than a cat. Of course, she had pretended then that she couldn’t see him, because children were a certain way and they couldn’t help being a certain way, and she was one of the few adults who knew that. Another story, told by her and another eavesdropping stallowner, was accompanied by a yellowing piece of paper with a child’s sketch of the same lion statue. He remembers little Changkyun running through the crowds and throngs of the afternoon shoppers and children getting out of school, his superman bag bouncing against his back and a piece of paper flapping proudly in his hands. He had run to his favourite stallowner and given it to her: a sketch of his favourite thing in the small town for his favourite person in the small town. And there it had stayed. Shownu realises with a pang in his heart that she doesn’t remember her favourite little boy either, and he wonders where big-minded Changkyun has flown off to.

He continues walking the streets, but his thoughts roam faster than he can.

He traces the street that leads to the little stone lion that took up so much of his childhood memories, and his thoughts lose their way and find it back on the topic of the friend who had slipped those comic books into a corner of his closet that day:

Minhyuk, the pretty little boy he knew nothing about, with long skinny limbs that loved to hug and hold, and eyes as dark and bright as galaxies. Minhyuk, who seemed to know everything about him, somehow. Shownu muses to himself that perhaps he does know some things about Minhyuk, like how he smiled like his face couldn’t even contain it, the corners of his eyes crinkling and folding, and he would push his face forward like he really needed everyone to see that something, somewhere had made him so happy. He knows about how Minhyuk would slip his arms easily through Shownu’s and just walk along with him, proving him wrong when Shownu was convinced he liked being alone, and he knows that Minhyuk would cry for everyone that left the small town and weep for every child that fell. He knew, too, that he had never found Minhyuk— Minhyuk would always find him.

He would always find Shownu at the staircase where the little stone lion was built, and then he would bring him everywhere, and if Shownu ever wanted to find him, the other way around, he would only have to sit there and wait to be found.

His father had been the first person to bring him to the little stone lion, telling him the myth of the guardian spirit that resided within. Shownu loved, and loves, the story of the guardian that watched over the village, remembering, loving, watching. It was the most gentle and hope-fuelled story a little boy could have asked to hear, more than yellow-brick roads or gold-paved staircases, and his father had been the one to introduce it to him. He would have blanched if he knew that he had ironically been the one to teach Shownu wishing and belief and unconditional love, because even Shownu cringes to think that the only safe place he had here had been created by a man he wanted to hate so much.

God, he wanted to hate him, and he wanted to hate his mother for letting her husband break their son like that– it’s the only thing he knows how to do. And he can’t. How cruel that tragedies befall the wicked, that karma bites and retaliates so he isn’t allowed to.

It’s okay , he tells himself. Everything’s okay, somehow. It has to be. Because he came back, and he’s here, and even the smallest children walking the night paths home were protected by the little lion, and after growing up here and breaking here and reforming here, all in the watchful eye of the little stone lion, he considers it his friend.

But when he arrives at the promised place, the little stone lion is broken.

Shownu can’t understand it, and nothing around it can seem to account for it, but there it is, clear as day: A deep gash across its constant smile and a chunk blown off of where its left ear used to be, leaving spiky, jagged remains. How can you still smile… Shownu feels a knot in his throat, watching the little square face of the statue smiling happily back at him, as though it doesn’t hurt at all. As though the guardian spirit that resides inside hadn’t failed to protect itself from whatever could have been cruel enough to lay a hostile hand on it.

Shownu doesn’t even feel his knees buckle beneath him before he’s hunched over on the dead grass. Fuck… He doesn’t even know why he’s crying. Things break, things break, things break , he repeats in his head until the words don’t mean anything. It’s just a part of the architecture, and the pavement and windows and roofs are chipped and cracked all the time. It feels like he’s lost a friend, somehow, because he couldn’t come back in time. It’s his fault, somehow, because he wouldn’t come back, because it’s been too long and people have forgotten and people have moved on and people don’t want to remember, and now the little stone lion is broken, was broken while still smiling and waiting for someone to come. Fuck… The anger he feels and the regret is so wet, and he pulls his head into his knees only to feel the cloth soaking through. And his throat hurts so much from holding back the pathetic, wet whines that beg to rise. He cries for the little stone lion and its innocent smiling face because it can’t cry for itself, and he thinks that’s the worst part of it all.

He feels abandoned on its behalf, for the little lion that can’t get up and follow everyone’s turned backs or speak to remind the aged stall-owners who it used to be. He can’t stop crying because there’s so much to cry for but he’s so tired of tears. He’s so tired.

In the parallel past, there would have been a hand resting on little Shownu’s shoulder.

THEN

He looks up from where his head had been buried in his knees, and little Minhyuk smiles down at him. Shownu can’t help but smile back at him, even with snot running down his nose and his cheeks flushed and wet from tears.

“Where’s your father? I thought he was with you.” Minhyuk holds out a hand to get him off the ground and begins to dab his face with the edges of his sleeve. Shownu is limp in his care, and just lets him take care of him, because that’s what Minhyuk is best at. Shownu is 11 and Minhyuk hasn’t turned 10 yet, but he seems more doting than any older brother Shownu doesn’t have. He doesn’t press the question and just comforts Shownu silently, pulling his arms into his bright yellow coat in a very warm embrace. Showny finally replies, “He left. He said he didn’t have time to wait for crybabies.” He mumbles all this into Minhyuk’s neck and is sorry because he feels his tears drop onto Minhyuk’s scarf. Crybaby…

The other boy doesn’t seem to mind, though, and only pulls Shownu further into his coat. It’s so hard to cry, when Minhyuk is around. He feels like he’s wronging him somehow, by daring to be upset in the presence of someone who was so eager to make him happy. And he does make him happy, and excited, and protected. He’s never been more snug in his life, his hands tucked all the way around Minhyuk’s small body, deep in his sun-coloured padded coat, feeling his breaths throughout his whole body. It almost makes him forget the terrible news that he’s just recieved, quite unceremoniously, from his father.

But he brings it up anyway, because he has to tell Minhyuk, because he tells Minhyuk everything about him if he doesn’t already know it.

“He says he’s sending me to Seoul… He’s sending me to the big city. I’m leaving here.” The small town is all he’s ever known, and all he ever wants to know. Seoul is scary and crowded and his parents wouldn’t be following him there. He’s so small, and helpless, and hurt, and he’s every abandoned emotion he can’t decipher, being so small. The tears just flow now, non-stop, and he feels his cheeks and face turning into little chubby icicles from the impact. Saying it now, wrapped in Minhyuk’s arms and coat, he feels a lot less battered than he had felt just a few minutes ago, when his father had just dropped the bomb on him and walked away at the first sight of tears.

There’s such a long silence that Shownu wonders whether Minhyuk even heard him. He pulls his head back to examine the other boy’s expression, and instead of nonchalance or heartbreak, he only sees his friend smiling the same serene smile he has always been. Like Shownu leaving would make no difference at all. Despite himself, Shownu gets upset. He can’t help it. He’s only eleven years old, and he’s just been told he’s going to have to leave everything behind without a single warning, and his loveliest, prettiest friend is smiling at him like it’s all he knows how to do.

Just as a pout begins to form on his face, Minhyuk smiles even wider and pulls Shownu back into the hug. When he replies, Shownu finally hears the tears in Minhyuk’s too-wide smile, and knows he’s only hugging him so he won’t have to see him crying. “Don’t forget me,” he says carefully, and Shownu knows that even as he’s facing the other way, he’s still smiling, even though Shownu can feel wetness on his shoulder too. The two little boys stand there for ages, crying and laughing in full view of only the little stone lion, and at the same time, they both stretch out their hands as the first snow of December begins to fall.

On the night of Christmas eve, he can’t find Minhyuk anywhere. He only has about five minutes before he has to get on the train to the big city, and he can feel his father’s angry eyes bore into his back as he bumbles around trying holding a chunky knitted scarf in his right hand and his train pass in the other. His yells fade off like smoke in the winter air, “Minhyuk! Min? Where are you? I’m leaving soon!” He can hear his parents muttering angrily at the train station, and his hands begin to tremble more out of anxiety than the cold. In a few minutes, they’d be losing patience, carting him off into the train cabin as it takes off to a world he doesn’t know. Where is Minhyuk? The eleven year old anxiously chews the inside of his cheek and paces around, willing his friend to pop out from the shadows at any moment.

But he doesn’t. Even when Shownu is in tears, still calling for his name, the train having pulled up at the station already, Minhyuk doesn’t show up. Shownu hadn’t had time to tell him, actually, that he is leaving tonight, but he had been hoping he would know anyway, because he seems to know everything, and because the train station happens to be near the little stone lion anyway, and Minhyuk has always found him here.

Not this time.

When his parents begin charging towards him angrily, he knows he can’t wait any longer, and runs as fast as his little legs can carry him towards the stone statue. It’s white and marblesque in the moonlight, almost emitting a faint glow of its own, and Shownu has to count on it. He remembers his father’s stories about the guardian that resides in the shining stone, and he has to trust the little statue. He wraps the red scarf around the neck of his little smiling friend and leans in close, whispering to it quickly, “Get this to Minhyuk, won’t you?” and running back towards the train cabin, trusting with blind faith that the guardian spirit won’t disappoint.

It doesn’t, and next year, sure as fire, Minhyuk greets him cheerfully at the train station, smiling up at him with his chin and neck covered by a chunky, red scarf.

He always comes back to the small town for the winter holidays, and he would always meet Minhyuk there, and they’d sit on the marble stairs leaning on the pillar that the little stone lion was planted on top of, just talking. He tells Minhyuk about all his stories from Seoul, the hustle and bustle of the big neon-lit city. In return, Minhyuk tells him everything that has happened in the town, and he tells it all so spectacularly and wonderfully that it makes Shownu wonder if he really saw everything in such fantastical beauty, or if life in his hometown really was more interesting than he remembered.

Everything sounds so exciting when Minhyuk has lived it, and Shownu is happy to hear. Minhyuk never tells him anything about himself, though, but it seems to suffice, whatever he did tell him. Shownu isn’t a greedy person, anyway, and he never longs for anything more than what Minhyuk wants to give, even as they got older and their lives got more complicated and there was so much more to tell. He was happy with what he got.

NOW

Until now, because he’s so desperately wishing Minhyuk would show up, because the tears keep coming, and he has no idea what he’s even crying for. He sees through foggy, wet vision, the pastel coloured train station that Minhyuk always waited at, all desolate and empty. Well, it has been five years since he came back. He supposes Minhyuk had had nothing else to wait for, anymore.

He shouldn’t force him to find him again, either. Only after crying so hard he forgets himself, until there’s nothing more left to cry, he is completely spent. He gets himself up at last, cold, cracked hands stinging on the jaggedness of the pavement. Forgot gloves. He brushes the dirt off of his coat and jeans and wraps his checkered scarf tighter around his face. He doesn’t feel the cold much because he’s still flushed from crying, but he knows he’ll thank himself later that he didn’t let himself freeze in the cold just because he couldn’t feel his face. He tucks his hands into his pockets and decides to head home.

Either his brain is playing tricks on him or there really is a quiet sniffling sound coming from behind him. He whips around, excitement cutting through all the layers of lethargy and exhaustion riddling his body and mind. He almost doesn’t dare to hope, but as expected, Minhyuk’s face is just inches away from his, frosty and pale in the winter night.

“You were crying,” he says, white teardrops resting on the tips of his eyelashes, and his breath dances over Shownu’s lips.

Minhyuk looks different. He’s tall, and has always been, but at first glance Shownu can already that Minhyuk’s not taller than him anymore. There’s a scar that cuts across his nose and his lips are chapped like hell had gotten its grips on them, but he’s smiling, cheeks blossoming in peachy shades of pinks and orange. His hair flies in the wind, and so does his scarf— A red, chunky, knitted scarf.

Shownu’s knees almost give way again. Before a disastrous accident happens (or maybe that’s just an excuse), he throws himself into Minhyuk’s arms and drops his head into the crook of his neck. It’s the same scarf, he notices by means of close inspection (his whole face is buried inside), and he almost disproves his own theory that he has no more tears left.

“Thought you forgot me,” Minhyuk mumbles into his neck, hands flying all over his back trying to find a tight place to settle. How could I… Shownu just squeezes him tighter as a response, nearly lifting him off the ground in excitement. Then it just changes to comfort, when they’re snugly nestled into the crooks of each others’ necks, their arms wrapped so tightly around the other as though what they really wanted to do was to pull them in completely. “Don’t cry,” Shownu says, digging his chin into Minhyuk’s shoulder. “I’ll cry too…” Minhyuk laughs, coughing slightly. “What do you think got us into this mess in the first place, Nu?”

After recovering from the shock and the cold and the tears, Minhyuk spins around so he’s next to Shownu instead, and marches him back to the town with their arms linked. They’re not little kids anymore, even though it feels like it when Minhyuk’s red scarf flaps unapologetically in his face and they hold such a spring in their steps it feels like they’re going to pop right off, so they can’t just chill any where. Shownu’s twenty-five now and Minhyuk is probably twenty-four, and like responsible adults, they have to responsibly find an adult place to have a chat.

Minhyuk asks Shownu if they can go to his house.

“I mean, it’s okay if you don’t want to. I just haven’t seen your mother since the funeral.” There’s no malice in his voice, not even a scold, and he’s smiling as always, but Shownu knows he had been waiting for him at the funeral too, for himself, if not for Shownu’s mother. Shownu shrugs, and then again, harder because the puffy coat is too thick to show much movement, “Yeah. No, yeah, why not?” He looks away from Minhyuk, though, kicking some loose gravel on the ground, because Minhyuk’s eyes are the only things he can’t look at right now. They’ve always been deep, so deep and dark that every light sparkled off of them a thousandfold, and they’re too patient and kind for Shownu to dare to look into when he’s never felt more selfish in his life.

They walk in silence the rest of the way to Shownu’s house, but he knows Minhyuk is smiling the whole way. He keeps giving out happy sighs and squeezing his arm tighter around Shownu’s, like every few minutes he’s reminded that he’s with his childhood friend again. Sometimes he turns Shownu to look at his face, like he can’t even believe it, and then he’ll smile like that again, like Hey, I’m Happy, Look ! And Shownu does. He loves to.

His mother greets them at the door. Shownu gives her an obligatory bow and hug and step aside to let Minhyuk enter. She looks surprised to see him, but hugs him too. She doesn’t release him for a while, and it might be the trick of the light but there are tears playing at the corners of her eyes. Minhyuk is frozen in the hug for a long time, his arms hanging limply by his side, but he still smiles. “How’ve you be-” He finally finds the words to greet her, but she speaks at the same time, “I hope you’re okay.” Minhyuk finally hugs her back and releases himself from the embrace.

He turns back to Shownu, who doesn’t say a word, and holds his hand out to him. “Can we go to your room?”

As always, they take turns to talk. Shownu’s got his own repertoire of troubles to share, and he guesses Minhyuk does too, and he probably has some things to explain. So much has happened in the five years that he had refused to come home, but he knows he can count on Minhyuk to fill in the gaps for him.

Shownu tells Minhyuk about the reason why he had been gone for so long, about his parents’ rejection, about how he had seen them all cold and harsh to the love of his life and had walked out without a word and hadn’t turned back. Minhyuk listens without a word, but for once, he seems to be surprised by what he’s being told. He frowns slightly at the mention of the hostile reaction, and reaches across the table to hold Shownu’s hand. It’s nice that they have this arrangement. Minhyuk’s usually spewing with words and wisdom, and can barely hear anyone else over his own talking (not that Shownu minds), but he listens to Shownu when they have these yearly sharing sessions. Especially now that Shownu has five years worth of stories to share, Minhyuk listens intently.

But he really does look different. He’s thinner now, with sunken cheeks and sharp cheekbones, and even though he’s still always smiling, he’s lost a bit of that unmistakable godly glow he used to have. Shownu wonders what happened to him. He looks lonely and his eyes look sad and he looks abandoned, somehow, like the town has just passed him by. He wonders what he’ll hear from Minhyuk later.

“I guess we just both decided… that we didn’t feel the same way anymore.” Shownu finally tells Minhyuk about his breakup. In normal situations, he would have felt awkward and exposed, talking for so long just about himself, but it’s fine with Minhyuk. Shownu rarely talks a lot, so Minhyuk is happy to listen. Just as he had discovered that he didn’t hate his own voice after all, he had also discovered that the person who loved his voice the most was Minhyuk, who would remember anything and everything he told him. Minhyuk nods and makes a low Mmm sound, sipping the hot chocolate Mrs Son had prepared.

“But I don’t know… I loved him so much and hated them so much, and then it felt like I was doing one for the other, and now that I don’t love him anymore and I can’t hate them anymore, I feel so stupid. Childish.” He ends off pathetically, slouching his shoulders over and pouting subconsciously at his own hot chocolate. Minhyuk gives his hand a squeeze. He considers everything for a while and says carefully, “I don’t think that’s true, actually. I’ve known you forever, and I know you’re none of those things. You’re smart, and mature, and you love deeply. Nothing wrong with that.”

“Not as deeply as you.” Minhyuk tuts jokingly at the interruption, and continues. Shownu thinks he sees him blushing though. “We’re all a little reckless when we’re young, and so what? It’s amazing that your reaction to their hate was to love even harder. Isn’t that amazing? There are worse things to do with your anger than that.” And it’s Shownu’s turn to blush. He’s never thought of it that way before, but Minhyuk only sees love, so it only seems right. “You didn’t fight them or hurt yourself. All you did was cut them out of your life. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, in the clearing dust of your father’s passing, but it was as much as, if not more than, what they ever deserved.” There’s a protective sort of anger in Minhyuk’s eyes as he looks at Shownu now that had never been there before, and it dawns on Shownu that he's not so alone in his isolation from his parents as he had spiralled into believing.

"And you did come that day, didn't you?" Shownu blinks, and stares at Minhyuk. What? Minhyuk smiles at him and replies, "The day of the funeral, Nu. Weren't you there? I thought I saw you at the motel outside, with your Wonho."

How does he know? Shownu can't look away from his eyes; they seem to follow him further than he thinks he can ever go. Minhyuk knows everything about him. Shownu thinks that even though no one seems to know anything about Minhyuk and where he came from and who he was, he might be the one who knows the least about him. Older people in this small town seem to look at Minhyuk differently, like they know something more about him, but not really. Like they... guessed? They share knowing looks and everyone knows him but no one knows about him and Shownu's beginning to think that his childhood friend is just a widely accepted mystery.

He had been there that day.

He had arrived there the night before, and Wonho had insisted on coming with him, because "How can I let you face your father's funeral alone?" He had insisted on coming, even though his last memory of the man they would be mourning was filled with hostility and rejection and alienation. How could Shownu say no? On the morning of the funeral, he had woken up early and put on a black suit, only to break down sobbing into Wonho’s arms begging him to please don’t make him go. He had looked out of the window into the wooden arch that signalled the entrance of the town, and seen the little stone lion waiting just beyond, and he just couldn't go.

He was so afraid that... that if he had stepped inside the town at that moment, he would never have been able to come back the same person. He was scared that he would somehow succumb to the pressures of the town's watching eyes, and he would kneel at his father's casket and beg for forgiveness and his mother would embrace him and to the eyes of the town, they would look like the perfect reunited family. The ungrateful runaway son comes back to seek his dead father's forgiveness because he knows he did wrong, and his poor, victim of a mother deigns to grant him that forgiveness. It made his throat close up to even think about allowing them to brush off the hurt and pain that they had given to him, and his pride would never have allowed him to let them think that he was sorry. That would not be his story.

Minhyuk knows. He always knows. He knows before a teardrop falls from Shownu's eye that it will, and he brushes it away with a soft finger. Shownu knows he doesn't need to reply. He just throws up an I'll get over it kind of smile and raises his hand up to hold Minhyuk's palm against his cheek. It's his turn to sigh in contentment, and he also thanks God that Minhyuk's not ticklish, because he doesn't ever want to move from this position.

Of course, they do. Then it's Minhyuk's turn to share.

Minhyuk tells him about everything that's been happening in the town. Nothing much, Shownu notices, even though Minhyuk still relays them to him as if they're the most awe-inspiring stories in the world. He laughs a lot when he tells him the story of the newest little baby in the town pointing at him at then throwing up ("Out of pure happiness !" He claims). It's Jooheon's baby, and Shownu has to hold back a gasp. Jooheon, a father? He would never have guessed. Jooheon... the same boy he used to have to keep rescuing when he waded too far into the lake to find mermaids and other creatures that he was convinced existed. (In the end Shownu had to get him to stop by telling him they only lived in the oceans and not in the lakes, so there’s no point drowning himself in your local lake, is there?) Shownu grins, thinking about all the shenanigans Jooheon would get up to now that he was the one completely in charge.

Then Minhyuk tells him about all the people that left. Kihyun left, Hyungwon left, Changkyun left, Sanha, Hyunjin, Taehyung... Everyone, it seems. Minus the few (or just one) who settled, everyone else seems to have left to the big cities or even overseas, looking for their own futures and livings. The town they had all grown up in together was too small to contain so many big dreams, it seems.

Shownu wonders why Minhyuk stays. Minhyuk has no family here as far as Shownu can tell, and while he knows everyone in the village, Shownu hardly thinks they're worth staying for. He's wasted here, on the dusty paths of the small town, still running small errands for the old ladies that ran the stalls, waiting around for people that never wanted to come back. At least he looks happy. Happy to be here, at least, if not about anything else in his life. And yet, Shownu still can't help wondering what happened to him. From the gaunt look, to the scar across his face, and the way he seems more muted now compared to the way he would glow within the biggest crowd. There's something else about him. Sometimes when Shownu says something, he repeats it a couple more times, louder, until Minhyuk finally responds. Not that Minhyuk had ever been an expert listener (he had been, Shownu is lying), but it seemed more dire now, like he's barely hearing it.

There's something else Shownu's wondering about.

"Minhyuk, what happened to the Little Stone Lion?" Minhyuk barely moves, doesn't even blink. He just continues fiddling with a button on Shownu's shirt. The pause goes on for eons, and since Minhyuk doesn't try to fill in this gap in the conversation, Shownu is confused as to whether he's just ignoring him on purpose or if he really didn't hear it. He's about to repeat himself when Minhyuk says, like it means nothing at all, "It's broken."

That's the frustrating thing about Minhyuk. When at times he speaks too much, sometimes he says nothing at all. It's disconcerting. Shownu nods hard to prompt him further, and waits for the reply.

"I guess no one was left that wanted to fix it anymore."

In this light, beautiful, confident Minhyuk seems so much more broken than he has noticed for the whole night. Shownu feels his stomach clench and has to fight the distinct urge to pull Minhyuk into his chest. Tears come up so fast in his eyes that he's soon just staring at the trembling silhouette of Minhyuk's frame. "Come with me then," He manages to breathe out. "Come back to Seoul with me." And it doesn't make sense at all, from the rest of the conversation, but it does. It makes so much sense.

Minhyuk laughs and shakes his head.

"People leave, I don't."

That's the end of that conversation. Afterwards, Minhyuk convinces him that he has to go back, regardless. He tells him that he is his own person and has never been defined by his anger or hate or love for anyone else, and Shownu believes him, because Minhyuk doesn't lie and Minhyuk always knows. He knows Shownu more than anyone else does, and he's starting to wonder something else about himself that Minhyuk could probably answer, too.

THEN

"Shownu? Earth to Shownu?"

Shownu stares after little Minhyuk as he gathers leaves. Why? He thinks to himself, barely seeing his friend waving a hand in front of his eyes, determined to shake him out of his reverie. He finally turns around to see the other boy pouting at him. "What's wrong with you? You're no fun!" Shownu just shrugs at him and turns back to find out what the leaves were for. He watches the four-year old Minhyuk gather them into his arms and then start coming over to the two of them.

“Crunchy.” He says, because four year old boys don’t have too many words. Not that it ever stopped him from using all the words he did have to the best of his ability. Shownu looks at the leaves. They are indeed crunchy, brown, and crinkled. To five year old Shownu, it is evident that Minhyuk has a treat up his sleeve. Minhyuk smiles at his excited expression and drops the small pile of leaves onto his lap. “I’ll go get more. Crunchy.” He says before he runs off, leaving little Shownu with a big responsibility.

His friend gets up to join Minhyuk in the collection process, and in a few minutes Shownu can barely remember where his camo shorts end and where the leaves began. He’s heavily fighting the urge to start crunching the leaves right there in his hands, by himself, but every time the urge gets too strong, Minhyuk smiles over at him, and he’s cured.

In another few minutes, the three kids have gathered enough crunchies to play in, and every subsequent kid that wants to join comes fully loaded with leaves of their own, everyone pulling their weight. Minhyuk doesn’t even notice his own impact until he finishes piling up his own stack of leaves perfectly, and he looks around at all of them with his lips in the shape of an ‘O’, then he smiles, and he seems to smile just for Shownu, and Shownu feels a strange tingly feeling in his stomach that he just can’t explain.

“CANNONBALL!” Some kid shouts, before throwing himself onto the pile of leaves in a human bundle. Minhyuk lets out a shriek of laughter and comes running to hide behind Shownu from the  spray of yellowing leaves. His fingers clasp around Shownu's shoulders and Shownu has to pray that he doesn't feel the embarrassing shudder that runs through him. The tingle in his stomach is a little ticklish now, and it makes his toes curl and makes him smile so wide he feels like his mouth will fall off his face. He laughs too, with Minhyuk, because it's impossible not to do that, and they cheer on the other kids together as they all start diving dangerously into the pile too.

Shownu watches them all go and come back screaming, laughing, and wincing, and decides he's not going to join in, but honestly, he doesn't have much of a will at the time, anyway. After a while of hearing Minhyuk shouting, impressed, behind him, and feeling the excitement run all the way to his very red ears, he can't take it anymore. It's enough of a prompt to unlatch Minhyuk's fingers from his shoulders and run forward, taking deep breaths as he went. He then does a somersault, diving into the newly reassembled pile of leaves headfirst, his face turned the whole time to catch Minhyuk's expression.

It hurts. He emerges from the pile clutching the side of his face but happier than he should be. When he looks over at Minhyuk, his expression's a mix of worry and awe, and he claps excitedly at Shownu's stunt. "You're so cool, Nu!" He shouts at him, hiding behind the throng of children now that his shield Shownu was gone. He's really impressed at the big splash Shownu's made, and it shows, and tingly little Shownu rides that wave for the rest of the day, and it shows .

Jooheon approaches him while they're all cleaning up the mess they made (only after getting scolded by a passing adult for blocking the road), and stands silently next to him for a while. He's watching Shownu, but Shownu doesn't notice, because he's watching little Minhyuk. After examining his prey, Jooheon pounces.

"Why do you look at Minhyuk like that?" He says, quietly and slyly, and then looks up to make full eye contact with the very surprised Shownu. Like what? Shownu shrugs unconvincingly and turns away, only to hear Jooheon scoff behind him and put on a teasing, high-pitched voice. He drops a bunch of leaves by accident so he can get away from Jooheon easily, and who should come to help him but sweet, helpful Minhyuk. Shownu looks at him squatting down and retrieving the leaves and lets out a vague, high-pitched voice of total despair. He brought this on himself, definitely, and now Jooheon gets to examine the two of them up close and personal.

Minhyuk looks at the two of them and their intense stares strangely before he walks off to facilitate the rest of the cleanup, because he's always been some kind of a leader. Shownu can't help but stare after him and hold the leaves with a different regard now that Minhyuk had so nicely picked them all up for him. Jooheon, undeterred, comes right up to his side again. He looks from Shownu's awestruck expression to Minhyuk's oblivious one and nods too wisely for a four-year old who’s fingers are all greasy from sucking on them.

"So you do like him." He says knowingly. Shownu pouts and turns away. Noooooo . No he didn't. He shakes his head aggressively at Jooheon to express this exact sentiment, and Jooheon nods again, more knowingly and annoyingly than before.

"So you lo-o-ove him."

NOW

The next day, Minhyuk drags Shownu to go shopping right before his trip back to Seoul.

“Are you planning to leave here without bringing anything back, you dummy?” Minhyuk laughs, taking him by the hand and dragging him out of the house. It’s already late in the evening, and Shownu had just been planning to rest until it was an hour to the long train ride, then he was going to see Minhyuk before he left. Minhyuk, bless his heart, does not care about his plans. He tells him as much, through actions and also directly with blunt words and Shownu has to laugh because he had fooled himself into thinking Minhyuk would let him go so easily. Not that he’s complaining, because he’s happy for any time he gets to spend with the prettiest boy in the world, anyway.

Shownu thinks hanging out with Minhyuk is like hanging out with his distant aunts, and came with the full package of the experience: getting cooed over, being bought things that he was vaguely interested in in his childhood, and never having to take out his wallet for anything. Minhyuk pulls him to the marketplace, and starts picking out random little trinkets for him, and other assorted knicknacks to take up space in his luggage. Every time Minhyuk turns around and smiles, just for him, Shownu is left reeling.

(He wonders if, if Minhyuk knows everything, if he knows that Shownu might be falling fast for him, or if he knows whether maybe Shownu has loved him all along.)

He also notices, being dragged by Minhyuk through the crowd, that most people don't greet him anymore. Minhyuk used to know everyone, and that came with having to say hello to everybody he passed by, stopping for chats, completely slowing Shownu down. Now, there's less of the glint in Minhyuk's eyes everytime he sees someone he wants to talk to, or someone who wants to talk to him. People pass by, and Minhyuk smiles at them, because he always smiles, and they walk away. They all just pass him by. Shownu guesses, painfully, that the reason is because all the village kids that Minhyuk used to know have moved out and kids from the city have moved in with their business-minded parents who were only eager to exploit the unclaimed market of the naive townsfolk.

There's more.

While he distinctly remembers that Minhyuk used to weave easily through a crowd, now he's walking, stunning and beautiful, but slow, restrained, like he's afraid of being bumped.

But he does get bumped.

Shownu's turned away from him for a while to look at an assortment of pastries being sold by a tired looking teenager who he can't quite place, thinking how sad it was that he couldn't share these with Minhyuk before he had to leave again, when he hears an angry yell of "WATCH YOUR WAY, YOU LITTLE PUNK!"

If he didn't see it for himself, he would never have believed that that kind of completely hateful and cruel tone could ever have been taken towards Minhyuk. But there it is. Minhyuk's pushing himself off of the ground when Shownu looks over, at the feet of a businessman in his late 40's who is glaring at him like he's been twice offended. Minhyuk winces at the yelling and Shownu sees him raise his fingers to the scar on his nose, even though he had clearly fallen on his shoulder. The gash right there on his pink nose looks angrier now, in the daylight. A surge of protective anger rushes through Shownu, and at the same time he fears the worst. He rushes over to pull Minhyuk up, making sure to have his back facing the angry man, standing over Minhyuk like a shield.

He hears the man mutter something unsavoury under his breath as he walks away and feels Minhyuk's hands tighten around his own, and he’s pulled out of the market to where the stone lion stands, calm and understanding. Minhyuk says patiently, "Shownu, please don't be angry at him. He grew up here, you know? Just like you? He's just angry that he has to come back here to take care of his family business. He doesn't have any outlet for this anger. He feels trapped. He's angry at this place, so he takes it out on the things around here." Shownu retorts, "His feelings towards this place has nothing to do with you." But he thinks, because of something in this weird mystery of Minhyuk, that maybe they do have something to do with him, because he's also wondering how in the world Minhyuk would even know that at all.

"Shownu," Minhyuk says seriously, pressing a kiss to the back of his hand, "This is why you have to leave." I could never hurt you. He pushes a basket of treats into his hand like he's telling him to go. Behind them, night has fallen.

"Please come with me," Shownu begs, and he has no time to wonder where the hell his tears had sprung up from. They didn't drip down his face like he wished they would, but stayed clogged and wet in his throat. He makes desperate eye contact with Minhyuk, who stares back at him silently with sad eyes and the smile still on his face. Shownu doesn't even want to hear the answer, and Minhyuk probably knows this, but he answers anyway.

"How can I go, Nu? How can I leave? There are seeds sprouting and babies learning how to walk and life here may not be so idyllic and pleasant like it was before but..."

"But?"

"But it's still happening, Shownu. And isn't it beautiful?" Shownu looks out at the night sky with him, where the clouds have obscured the stars and the moon doesn't dare to peek out, at the leaves that only fall and the people that are moving too fast. He doesn't understand, but he glares into the night like it would give him an answer, or maybe just because he doesn't want Minhyuk to see him cry.

He forgot how Minhyuk knew everything about him, even if he's trying so hard not to be selfish and he's trying so hard to not let Minhyuk know how helpless he's feeling, so he's almost surprised when he hears tears in Minhyuk's reply.

"How can I miss all that?"

They stand there in silence for a long time. The whoosh of the passing trains hum gently in the background, and in the pause, Shownu almost convinces himself that everything is okay, that he's not clinging on to the only bit of home he wants to bring with him, that that same grip isn't slipping. He doesn't know what to say. He feels like he's lost, somehow.

"Would they miss you ?"

He regrets it the moment he says it. He whips around immediately with an apology hanging on his lips, but he doesn't know what to say when he's finally facing Minhyuk. When min looks up, he sees in his eyes all the brokenness of abandonment, of being left behind, and he regrets not visiting for so long. Minhyuk must have thought he had forgotten him too. Why had it been so easy for him to leave Minhyuk behind? He stares at the broken face of the little stone lion and rests his hand on its head.

"Don't forget me," Minhyuk says, and Shownu doesn't have to look at him to know that he's crying again. He takes off his scarf and wraps it around the little stone lion and stares wilfully at its smile, willing it to be the truth. It sort of is, he supposes, since Minhyuk is always smiling anyway.

"Minhyuk-ah, can I ask you something?"

"Yes." Minhyuk steps forward so they're next to each other and helps Shownu position the scarf warmly around his little friend. It's like they're children again; Shownu still responds to Minhyuk's touch like it's electric, and they stay out way too long in the freezing cold of winter nights. He replies, "Do you know everything?"

"I know a lot of things? I've seen a lot of things. And heard." He sees Minhyuk smile, satisfied, as he tucks the end of the scarf neatly into the folds so it doesn't fall off, and then do the same thing to the scarf on his neck. Shownu subconsciously presses a hand to Minhyuk's cheek, and he can't look away from him. You're so beautiful , he thinks.

"Do you know how long I've-"

"Since we were young." Minhyuk interrupts before he finishes the question, and he says it like it's the surest fact in the world. He's probably right. In the aftermath of everything that’s happened, it might be the only thing Shownu knows.

He doesn’t even know if he should, or if he really dares, but he starts anyway, “Do you-”

“I love everyone. I’m good at that.” It’s so sincere, and he knows for a fact Minhyuk doesn’t lie, but it hurts, even if he doesn’t want it to. “I love you so much more than you know,” Minhyuk says, and he falls into Shownu’s chest, wrapping his arms around his neck. “Do you even know?”

“Why do you?”

“I love everyone who’s loved me once.” Shownu thinks it’s wrong. What a liberal way to distribute your love , he thinks to himself, but he knows, even if he doesn’t know anything else, that this is so fitting. It’s just like Minhyuk to love so deeply and unconditionally, so remember everything that he was ever told, to wait and protect and stand so still that it was so easy to just pass him by. He finally wraps his arms around Minhyuk too, and he really, really doesn’t want to leave him there.

“Please come back with me,” He begs again, and he says it more to the smiling face of the little stone lion. It seems that Minhyuk doesn’t hear it, and it’s what Shownu might have meant for, resting his head intentionally on the left side of Minhyuk’s shoulder. The stone lion just smiles back at him, because it always does, and he feels so sorry for it.

The area around them is so barren, and empty. Just the immediate area around them, around the little stone lion. It looks like it hasn’t been visited in years, and if Shownu had just listened closely enough he would hear the laughter from his own distant past catching up to it, because it’s been so far left behind in the desolation of their present. The little stone lion sits there, small and alone and abandoned, and broken. A pin drop could be heard in the silence that now surrounds it. Still it smiles gently and stays, eyes watching, waiting, welcoming.

Shownu and Minhyuk stand there together, waiting for the headlight glow of the coming train to Seoul, stranded in the comfort of the others’ arms. It’s like they’re kids again. (Again, again, again. Only Shownu’s past lives here, and he doesn’t know if he’s ready to leave again. Again, again.) Suddenly they’re kids again, and they stand there for ages, crying and laughing in full view of only the little stone lion, and at the same time, they both stretch out their hands as the first snow of December begins to fall.