Chapter Text
January
Sehun has his hands clutched tightly around the mug of honey ginger tea, letting the warmth of the beverage seep into his colder skin. Outside, the snow continues to blanket Seoul with white. Sehun buries himself a little more into the armchair and pulls the blanket a little closer to cover his toes.
Jongin is furiously typing across from him, eyes flitting back and forth along his screen to skim over his work. His eyebrows are furrowed, teeth poking out and latching onto his lower lip. Everything about him screams frustration, yet Sehun just sits and stares at his best friend work on the lab report that Jongin had conveniently forgot about until an hour ago and was, unfortunately, due tomorrow.
Sehun should be upset. Jongin’s lack of preparation had canceled their movie night, and Sehun was looking forward to it all week. But one look at Jongin’s sad puppy eyes and earnest apologies – not to mention the promise of a coffee after tomorrow’s chemistry class – and Sehun had acquiesced. It’s just that without the distraction of the movie, Sehun’s mind wanders into dark waters.
The air is thick with a sort of awkwardness in which Jongin knows Sehun is upset but won’t admit it, and the latter is sort-of-kind-of glaring at him with such intensity that Jongin feels like his skin is going to set on fire.
So he lets out a cough and glances up at Sehun, who doesn’t break eye contact. “Are you still mad at me?” he murmurs. Jongin’s brain tosses out all the chemistry knowledge he has and focuses his entire being on his best friend. “You can tell me honestly, and I’ll listen to you. I know I’m being a dick right now.” Jongin knows that Sehun is the type to hold a grudge and not let go until he milks out all he can from the guilty party, who usually happens to be Jongin. It’s a bad trait because it always ends up an argument and Sehun almost always cries. But because he’s Sehun’s best friend, and because of their six years of unbreakable friendship, Jongin takes it upon himself to be the bigger person and allow Sehun to wallow in self-pity but never lets him drown himself in his insecurities. Especially today.
Sehun blinks slowly – almost comically – and lets out a small sigh. He finally looks away, down at his tea. His tongue darts out to wet his lips. “No.” The two lettered word is short and simple, and Jongin thinks that maybe he should take it as it is this once, but at the same time, he knows it’s going to come back and bite him in the ass later on when Sehun bursts out in tears at how Jongin doesn’t care.
Sehun is a little broken, though he chooses not to admit it. He takes every word and holds it close, even if the shards rip him up and tear him apart. It’s what Sehun so dependent, so sensitive.
Jongin sighs. He saves his work and closes his laptop lid. Sehun still refuses to meet his eyes. “Sehunah,” he dares.
Sehun jerks, almost flinches, and he sets down his mug on the coffee table and disappears under the blanket.
There it is: the first sniffle.
Jongin curses himself. He can’t believe today turned out like this. He abandons his laptop and crosses the small gap and settles himself into the even smaller space between Sehun and the rest of the armchair. Sehun lets out a small sound and another sniffle. Jongin wraps his arms around the lump and Sehun lets out a choked sob. Jongin holds back his own tears as he remembers, brain finally making the connection and reminding him why today was so important.
Instead of typing, the apartment is filled with the sounds of Sehun’s reoccurring heartbreak. In that haze, Sehun whimpers out, “I miss him,” and Jongin also follows Sehun into dark waters, hoping to bring him back to the shore, but losing him to the sheer emptiness of the vast ocean.
Sehun feels slightly better the next day when he wakes up. His eyes are swollen and tender from the tears he shed and his entire body aches to be held. He spots Jongin still snoring from the bed across from him. A glance at the clock reassures him that there is still time before chemistry, exactly two hours in fact.
At six a.m., Sehun drags himself out of bed to open up Jongin’s laptop and find the unfinished lab report.
When Jongin jerks awake at seven thirty, he launches himself out of bed and nearly runs over Sehun who is coming back into their bedroom with a bag of frozen strawberries on his left eye and a stack of papers in the other.
“I finished your report,” Sehun says in a small voice. He’s already dressed for class, a thick jacket over a long-sleeved shirt that hung off his frame and black joggers that Jongin suspects are actually his. Sehun nudges Jongin’s side and shoves the papers into his chest. “You owe me two coffees.”
Jongin stares incredulously at his finished lab report and chokes a little on air. “What? How?” he sputters.
Sehun shrugs from where he’s slipping on his Vans, looking weary as he switches the bag from his left to his right eye. “I did that lab too. And unlike you, I finished it a week ago, Jongin.” Despite the harsh words, Sehun doesn’t mean any of it. It’s meant to tease and Jongin knows that better than anyone.
Jongin grins and waves his report around. “I’ll give you three coffees Sehunnie!” He feels butterflies tickle his insides when Sehun gives him a small smile and a “call,” as a reply.
With all the heavy baggage that comes with being Sehun’s best friend, Jongin realizes that it’s the selflessness that Sehun exhibits that makes Jongin’s stares a little too intense, touches linger a little too long, and words that mean a little too much. He supposes that’s why he’s stuck around for six years beside Sehun when everyone seems to take one step into the door and back out again.
February
The three words take Sehun by surprise.
Sehun finds his heart stopping, blood pounding in his ears, and his legs twitching to run. His instincts tell him to bolt right on out of there and into the confines of his room. His mind tells him Jongin’s going to follow him because it’s his room too.
“Hey, don’t think too much about it, okay?” Jongin gives him a weak smile, as if he wants to reassure Sehun that he’s really fine, that those three words mean less than they really do, that Sehun can really walk out of there if he really wants to. But Sehun finds himself stuck under that pressure and toeing the line between fear and curiosity. He’s not sure if he wants this right now.
Jongin reaches over and pats his hand. “Don’t think about it too much with that little brain of yours. You’ll hurt yourself.”
Sehun finds himself snapping back into reality. “Excuse me, I’m passing all of my classes, unlike you,” he hisses.
Jongin sticks out his tongue. “I am passing. I have C’s.”
And just like that, the awkward air is gone and they’re back to normal. Sehun continues to tease Jongin’s lack of common sense. Jongin pokes fun at Sehun’s twig arms and gangly legs.
But no matter how much he tries, Sehun can’t forget those words. They linger in the back of his mind, tickling his thoughts. He glances at Jongin, who’s focused on the sky outside of the café. He can’t help but think that the glint in Jongin’s eyes are different today. The confession hangs over them like a looming cloud. Like the dark blanket in the distance that’s too far to worry about now but will inevitably brew a storm that might fuck everything up.
Sehun finds himself watching with something sour on the tip of his tongue and an uncomfortable feeling in his stomach as Kyungsoo slips a hand into Jongin’s back pocket and squeezes.
Jongin squeaks and flushes, batting at his boyfriend’s arm and making Kyungsoo laugh.
Sehun feels sick all of a sudden, but he doesn’t know why. His mind is running a marathon, trying to convince himself that no, you’re not homophobic…. right? Sehun is very uncomfortable sitting there, in his own kitchen, in his apartment. He’s never felt this way before and he feels ashamed for even straying down that train of thought.
“Sehun?”
Jongin knocks him back down to reality – as Jongin always does – and Sehun finds both his best friend and his best friend’s boyfriend staring at him oddly.
Sehun looks like a deer in headlights. “Yes?” He straightens up unconsciously and then questions himself why he’s doing so.
“You okay? You look like you’re going to puke,” Jongin comments. He waves the ladle in front of Sehun’s face and flecks of sauce land on the table top.
Kyungsoo takes the ladle from between Jongin’s fingers and nudges him away from the stove. He mumbles something soft that Sehun can’t catch and takes over in cooking.
Jongin plops down beside Sehun on the dinner table and looks down at Sehun’s eyes. “Are you uncomfortable?” he asks. He genuinely looks concerned at Sehun’s well being and Sehun can’t help but feel guilt for feeling the way he does.
“No,” Sehun mumbles. “I just don’t feel well. I guess the stomach’s not settling milk tea and crepes,” he lies. He pushes himself back from the table, giving himself more space from Jongin – for what reason he didn’t know – and adds, “I’m going to lay down for a bit. Call me when dinner’s ready?” Jongin nods slowly, face looking crestfallen, and Sehun feels his gut twist. “Jongin, I’m not uncomfortable, I promise.” He pats Jongin’s thigh and leaves.
Even in the refuge of his room, Sehun can still hear Jongin and Kyungsoo laughing with each other. The muffled voices tease him and Sehun feel anger pile on top of the motley of feelings in his body. His fists clench, his forehead creases, even his toes curl. The three words Jongin had told him two weeks ago still ring clear in his mind and are even louder now that Jongin and his boyfriend were separated from him by a mere wall.
Sehun falls onto his bed, eyes closing and body relaxing. His stomach churns with uneasiness. He really doesn’t want to believe that he’s homophobic, he really isn’t, but there’s just something in the way that Jongin molds so easily into Kyungsoo’s frame that makes him uncomfortable. There’s just something about Jongin hold hands and kissing another man that makes him want to look away and lock himself in his room forever.
There is small knock on the door and Jongin’s head pops after a few seconds. “Dinner’s ready, Sehunah.”
He wakes abruptly, sweat making his clothes cling onto his clammy skin, and chest heaving with heavy breathes that aren’t enough. Sehun blinks through his tears, and shivers. He turns onto his side, facing the wall, and curls into himself. Even under the blanket and his clothes, Sehun feels bare and exposed, cold and empty. He tucks his hands between his thighs and closes his eyes. The images that haunted his nightmares flash before his eyes once again and he lets out an involuntary whimper.
It’s that noise that wakes Jongin from his restless slumber. He rubs the sleep from his eyes and fixes them at the clock. It’s barely three a.m. Jongin glances over to Sehun’s bed and finds him curled up like a baby and shaking uncontrollably.
“Sehunah?” he calls out, voice laden with sleep. Jongin kicks the blanket off himself and moves across the room to sit on Sehun’s bed. He rests a hand on Sehun’s shoulder and taps a finger rhythmically. “Hey, you’re going to be okay. It’s just a dream.”
Sehun shakes his head, hands coming up from under his blanket to rub at his eyes. He leaves them there, covering his face from Jongin’s view. “It wasn’t a dream, Jongin. I wish it was just a dream.” He lets out a choked sob at that and Jongin knows that it’s one of those nights.
Jongin slides down from his sitting position and resumes his tapping as he lies there. His forehead and pressed against the back of Sehun’s head. Sehun feels so small like this, and Jongin has to remind himself that Sehun’s body is too frail to hold up all of the overbearing thoughts and feelings that burden him. “You’re going to be okay,” he repeats. He can only hope Sehun finds some sort of comfort in his words. “It’s over now. You’ll be okay.”
It’s been two years, but Sehun hasn’t recovered. Jongin isn’t sure if he ever will.
March
Jongin cackles as Sehun flails and falls off the armrest of his favorite armchair. His arm hits the table and sends the letters flying, smacking him in the face as if mocking him.
Sehun lets out a frustrated cry as he sits up, staring helplessly at the colorful envelopes strewn around him. “Why do they always do this!” he pouts. “It’s annoying and a waste of perfectly good paper!”
“You have enough candy to last you until next year,” Jongin teases. His arm sweeps across the table, as if presenting to Sehun the already obvious sight.
Sehun groans and rolls his eyes. “I hate candy hearts,” he deadpans.
Jongin has to stop himself from cackling once again. “They loooove you Sehunnie,” he croons, relishing in the fact that Sehun groans and flails around in his pile of love confessions. “Open some of them, will you?” He grins and steals a heart shaped box of chocolates. “I’ll be taking this as payment for being your messenger.” Jongin fake salutes and runs out of the room before Sehun can yell at him.
As he lies down in his bed, Jongin smile slowly turns into a small frown. He holds the box above his head, eyes skimming over the girl’s name and lands on Sehun’s. Using a fingernail, Jongin peels off the sticker label, balls it up, and tosses it onto Sehun’s side of the room. He chews on his lower lip as he peels the plastic wrapping off of the obnoxiously red box. For a moment, Jongin contemplates calling Kyungsoo over to share some, but he remembers how Sehun always finds ways to leave the room when Kyungsoo comes over and crushes the thought.
Does Sehun dislike Kyungsoo or does Sehun dislike the fact that Kyungsoo is male and not female? Jongin finds himself pondering over that thought. He doesn’t even notice that Sehun had entered and slid into his own bed.
“Jongin, you look like you’re thinking so hard your brain is about to combust,” Sehun comments. He pulls out his phone and fiddles around with it flippantly. He sneaks glances at Jongin but doesn’t say much more.
Jongin sighs and puts down the box of chocolates. “Can I ask you something?” Jongin sounds conflicted and Sehun knows that he’s not joking.
“Yeah.”
“Do you like Kyungsoo?”
Sehun coughs. “Yeah, what makes you think I don’t?” He turns to face Jongin. The setting isn’t ideal if they’re going to have this talk right now since Sehun is so comfortable he might fall asleep any second. But he knows that this is an important topic and one that he really needs to be able to figure out himself before he can even answer Jongin.
“Then why do you always make that face whenever he’s around?”
Ah, the damned question.
Sehun cringes and turns again. He stares at the ceiling and contemplates his answer.
Jongin takes the silence for something else though. “So, you don’t like us,” he murmurs.
Sehun sputters and jolts upward into a sitting position. “Jongin, I didn’t even say that!” he protests. He sighs and buries his face into his hands. “I just…I don’t know how I feel. There are a lot of things on my mind, but I swear to you that I respect you and Kyungsoo. I just don’t know how to tell you when I can’t figure it out myself.”
“Sehunah, when have you ever hesitated on telling me anything on your mind?” Jongin argues. He sits up too, facing Sehun with a stony look in his eyes. “Why can’t you just tell me instead of making that goddamn face all the time? Kyungsoo sees it too, you know. He has feelings too, you know!”
“Why are you getting mad at me!” Sehun bellows. His mind is fuzzy with thoughts and he is boiling with anger. Anger at Jongin for misunderstanding and anger at himself for not being able to sort himself out and causing his conversation to even happen in the first place. “I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry I make stupid faces! I don’t mean to make him upset, but I guess you don’t think how I feel when you invite him over and make me third-wheel in my own home!” Sehun finishes his rant with a stomp of his foot and he runs out of the room, grabbing his keys and a jacket, and goes right on out of that apartment.
Jongin regrets and then regrets some more. He calls Kyungsoo and talks to his boyfriend in a low voice, it wavering because he’s unsure of what just happened. Kyungsoo tries to reassure him that it’s fine, that he understands Sehun, that Jongin should really try calling him right now instead of Kyungsoo, but Jongin doesn’t even know why they got to that point.
“I don’t even know why I got so worked up about it,” he whispers.
“It’s completely understandable, love,” Kyungsoo replies. “You’re upset because Sehun’s not comfortable, but, honey, you have to realize that it takes time for it to sink in that his best friend of six years is gay.”
Jongin winces when he is reminded of his confession a month ago. The three words, “I like guys,” had struck Sehun by surprise and he should have known better than to leave Sehun alone with odd thoughts. Jongin supposes that it’s somewhat his fault too for not talking it through with Sehun and brushing it aside. Nothing ever good comes from pushing things for later.
“So, Jongin, what you have to do is go find him, and talk to him,” Kyungsoo coaxes. “Make it up with him. The two of us can talk later. You can’t lose a six-year friendship over something like this.”
“Kyungsoo, it’s not that simple,” Jongin argues. After a beat of silence – he can hear Kyungsoo’s exasperated sigh – he continues. “I think Sehun hasn’t figured it out himself yet.”
“And that means?” Kyungsoo prods.
“Sehun can’t be left too long with his thoughts. He overthinks and gets overanalytical and he’s probably beating himself up for not understanding himself right now.”
“So you should?”
“Go find him and help him understand?”
“Bingo.” Jongin can hear Kyungsoo’s smile as he speaks. “Tell him he can come talk to me too if he’s having a hard time. I want to make it less awkward between us.”
Jongin hums in appreciation. “Thank you, Soo.”
Kyungsoo murmurs an “I love you,” so soft Jongin barely catches it right before he hangs up.
Jongin only makes a noise to indicate he hears it.
When the line is dead, Jongin finds his finger lingering on Sehun’s number. He should call. He should be the bigger person again and try to work it out. But before he can make the call himself, Sehun’s number pops up and a frenzied voice interrupts his greeting with shockingly – and unfortunately – familiar news.
“Is this Oh Sehun's guardian? He's in the hospital right now and we need you to be here.”
April
Sehun’s birthday is a quiet day. He assumes even Jongin forgot. There’s no call from the distant cousin that checks in every few months. There’s nothing from their friends. And Jongin makes it apparent that he’s avoiding Sehun. That’s been obvious since their argument in March and it’s been two weeks since Sehun’s been discharged from the hospital for fainting in the middle of the street, but Jongin still won’t give him the time of day.
Sehun thinks that’s better and keeps to himself too. Jongin’s understandably upset and Sehun may or may not have overreacted when he stormed out that day.
He supposes that the only reason they lasted so long was because of Jongin’s effort and now Jongin just doesn’t want to try so hard anymore.
The assigned reading on the history of technology is tossed aside as Sehun decides that he’d rather be eating than reading about goddamn boats. The apartment is empty, Jongin choosing to do his homework and study at Kyungsoo’s place instead. So Sehun is alone, on his birthday, making instant noodles and thinking too hard about his stupid mistakes.
After cracking an egg inside the boiling pot of spicy, red soup, Sehun crushes the empty eggshells in his hand. The sound seems to echo, reminding Sehun of how he’s by himself. It’s that singular moment that makes Sehun think and wander, and suddenly, he’s drowning.
He can hear it: the ear-piercing screams from his mother and the sound of the metal around him crushing so easily like the eggshells in his palm. The noise is so loud in his ears, he feels like he’s experiencing it all over again. He grabs at his hair with both hands, smearing the remains of egg onto himself and screams.
When he feels a touch on his arm, Sehun falls, and Jongin doesn’t even have time to turn off the stove before Sehun hits the ground. He screams again, eyes shutting with tears trailing down his cheeks. His face is blotchy, hair covered in egg, and his entire body can’t stop shaking. Even when Jongin holds him tight against his chest, steady thumping of his heartbeat against Sehun’s ear resonating with home, Sehun cries even harder. He doesn’t want to remember. He doesn’t need this.
“Sehun, you’re safe. You’re fine. You’re here. You’re okay.” Jongin repeats those same words over and over until Sehun’s cries have tapered down into soft hiccups and his breathing is normal. He strokes Sehun’s hair gently, body never moving from Sehun’s side.
Sehun realizes that if it was just the two of them, there shouldn’t be soft murmurs in his ears from other voices. “Who-” he starts.
Jongin shushes him. “Our friends. They’re here for your birthday, Sehunah. You’re twenty-two today.”
Sehun clutches onto his best friend’s sweater like a lifeline and buries his face into familiar territory. Jongin’s always smelled the same: like home with a hint of coconut.
No one mentions Sehun’s episode after he’s cleaned up, and he’s thankful for. Baekhyun latches onto his side and feeds him fruit while Joonmyeon tries to figure out how to set up the board game. Jongin and Kyungsoo are in the kitchen, cleaning up and talking between themselves. Sehun wants to look over, but Baekhyun keeps shoving mangoes down his throat so he can’t really move.
But soon enough, Kyungsoo appears with Sehun’s pot over overcooked noodles and egg and smiles softly at Sehun. “It’s still edible,” he smiles. Sehun finds himself smiling too when Jongin sets out bowls and chopsticks on the table.
Baekhyun begins to chatter on and on when they settle down. Usually, Sehun would find it slightly irritating, but today the voices of his friends comfort him. Joonmyeon glances worriedly at Sehun once in a while, but the one time Sehun had caught him made him stop. Kyungsoo feeds them all, placing kimchi into Sehun’s bowl and even searching through the pot to find the yolk for the birthday boy. Jongin, though, sits and eats without a word.
Sehun sneaks into Jongin’s bed that night and, with hesitant hands, bunches the back of Jongin’s t-shirt in his fists. He falls asleep that way, curled up behind Jongin’s larger frame while holding tightly onto something to connect the both of them.
Jongin is awake the entire time, but he lets Sehun do what he needs. This is the least he can do for not being able to fix things before they got too far. He’s surprised Sehun’s gone two weeks without having a breakdown, but at the same time, he’s upset at himself for realizing too late that two weeks was a really long time for Sehun to be by himself.
Jongin was supposed to come back to figure things out yesterday, but he had remembered Sehun’s birthday was tomorrow – today – and chose to hold it out one more day to make Sehun’s day that much more memorable. Jongin had thought through it all, except for the fact that Sehun by himself for a long time would be that much more susceptible to triggers.
When he hears Sehun’s steady breathing and can feel the puffs of breath on his back, Jongin slowly turns around. Sehun’s eyes are already puffy and his lips are slightly parted, lower lip curling in a small pout. Jongin traces Sehun’s facial features with a keen eye, pausing on the little scar on his left cheek before trailing downwards. Sehun has a dark scar on his collarbone, barely visible from under his clothes. Jongin places his hand on Sehun’s side, rubbing circles into the fabric of Sehun’s shirt. He can feel the long line that runs down Sehun’s right side. He knows there’s another one running down his chest from where the doctors performed surgery two years ago. There are more scars littering his back and Jongin remembers that on certain cold days, Sehun’s left ankle aches.
Jongin knows that he has classes tomorrow, the first one starting at nine, but Sehun doesn’t start until eleven. He knows he should try to sleep, but for some reason, Jongin can’t take his eyes off of Sehun’s face.
May
Jongin brings Sehun his coffee and they sit across from each other as Sehun does his homework. With finals coming up in three weeks, Sehun is scrambling to figure out how to help Jongin pass his classes with better grades than goddamn C’s. Jongin might be content, but Sehun sure as hell isn’t, and he’s ninety percent sure Jongin’s parents won’t be either.
“Okay, listen,” Sehun starts. “If you relearn chapter six, you’ll have a better understanding on chapter ten section five. And skimming over chapter seven section two basically summarizes all of chapter nine. You don’t really need to know chapter nine, but Professor Hwang might throw it on the final to screw us all over.”
“Sehun, you don’t really need to this,” Jongin protests.
“Do you want to die by my hands, Kim Jongin?” Sehun makes a disapproving face that makes Jongin snort. “Do you think your parents pay for your education, only for you to get C’s?”
Jongin makes a face and sticks his tongue out. “You’re a nerd.”
Sehun scoffs and slams the textbook closed. “Fine. You can figure out how to pass your finals yourself. I’m not making study sheets for you,” he harrumphs.
Jongin freezes as Sehun gets up to leave. “Wait, what? No, Sehun come back, I need those study sheets!”
Sehun just waves a hand at Jongin before leaving the café and Jongin can only stare incredulously at the stack of textbooks on the table before smacking his forehead into it.
“Sehunnie, can I have those study sheets please?” Jongin begs. He’s on his knees and literally has his hands pressed flat together while rubbing them in a pleading motion.
Sehun has to stop himself from rolling his eyes. “Leave me alone.” He kicks Jongin’s knee softly with his toes and goes back to his studying. “You’re being annoying. Get off the floor. My goodness.”
Jongin pouts and whines some more and even promises Sehun coffee and back rubs.
“Stop trying to bribe me into doing your stuff! You should have listened to me earlier instead of regretting now,” Sehun chastises. He says it all with a smile poking at his lips and his eyes shine with amusement. “Though if you go buy soondae right now, I won’t complain.” Sehun bursts out in peals of laughter when Jongin scrambles for his wallet and bolts out the door.
He comes back fifteen minutes later, shirt drenched in sweat, with a bag of soondae and Sehun’s favorite milk tea. “Can you please help me study for my finals?” Jongin asks through heavy breaths.
Sehun blinks and then shakes his head.
Jongin can only groan.
Jongin is grouchy as he stuffs his folders and textbooks into his backpack, when he finds a blue folder that he’s sure he doesn’t own. He opens it up and finds a study sheet and practice problems for all the finals he’s taking in three weeks. There are even ones for the classes that Sehun doesn’t have with him. Clutching the folder to his chest, Jongin hops around his room in joy.
It’s Friday night and Jongin has had enough of studying. Kyungsoo is knocked out beside him on the couch and Jongin takes this as a cue to sleep too. Tuesday of next week would be his first final and Jongin doesn’t think that attempting to cram math formulas is going to help. As he reaches over to pause Kyungsoo’s video lecture on his laptop, Jongin’s phone pings with a notification. The message is from Baekhyun and it informs him that he and Kyungsoo are invited to “get hammered w/ me and sehunnie @ the karaoke place.”
Surprised that Sehun would willingly be down to “get hammered” three days before his first final – Sehun’s first is on Monday – Jongin has to agree. He pats Kyungsoo’s cheeks and asks him if he wants to sing his heart out.
Sehun can’t stop laughing as Baekhyun belts out notes he thought only dolphins – and apparently humans as Baekhyun is currently proving – could reach. Baekhyun is even dancing along to SNSD’s choreography. Sehun is filming the spectacle when Jongin and Kyungsoo come in. Jongin has his arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulder, and Sehun’s smile falters for a moment. The uncomfortable is creeping back into his stomach. It’s been four months but Sehun still can’t push it away, nor can he figure out what the feeling even means.
“Sehunah, dance with me!” Baekhyun plucks Sehun’s phone out of his hand and pulls Sehun up to the little space in front of the screen.
Jongin is putting more soju on the table while Kyungsoo is making himself comfortable on the couches as he watches Baekhyun wiggle his ass to “I Got a Boy.”
“God, you’re so bad at dancing,” Sehun mutters.
Baekhyun spins around and grabs Sehun’s cheek and pulls. “Don’t judge me, you dick.” He hollers out the next lyrics and doesn’t stop dancing as he brings the keypad to Kyungsoo, who can only laugh.
Sehun feels awkward standing there because he’s not really dancing – and he can feel Jongin’s eyes on him. He opts to sit down and open another bottle of soju as Kyungsoo changes the song into a ballad. Baekhyun clicks his tongue in disappointment at Kyungsoo’s song choice and passes the mic to him.
“Are you really going to make us cry today, Kyungsoo? School is doing that just fine, thank you very much!” Baekhyun picks a drumstick out of the bucket of chicken Jongin also brought and waves it around. “Do we all need to collectively cry out our problems together today?”
Kyungsoo begins to sing but instead of watching him, Jongin is fixated on something else. He watches Sehun as the light from the screen flashes blue and white on his skin. Sehun is drinking soju straight from the bottle and his eyes look distant. Jongin glances at the already empty bottles littering the floor and sighs.
“Guess I’m the designated driver?”
No one replies, but Sehun turns to look at him. His eyes are saying something but Jongin doesn’t know what it means. Sehun is staring at him with such an intensity that Jongin swears Sehun is sober.
And then he looks away. Sehun stares down at the bottle in his hands while chewing on his lip.
Jongin finds all of his words stuck in his throat.
June
Jongin is startled when he feels a weight drop onto his shoulder. He glances over and finds Sehun out cold in the seat beside him. He leans to the side and fixes Sehun’s head so that he’s more comfortable. The bus is fairly quiet since not many people want to leave air-conditioned Seoul in the middle of summer to go to humid and mosquito-ridden countryside fields.
It’s been an hour into the drive and there’s still another forty minutes to go before they’ll reach home. So Jongin chooses to nap too, leaning his head against Sehun’s and loving the feeling of Sehun’s hand on his thigh.
“You’re so skinny, eat more!”
Sehun watches helplessly has Jongin’s grandmother pushes more and more side dishes in front of him and watches him with eager eyes.
“Eat all that you want. There’s more in the kitchen!”
Sehun is used to all the doting but he can never get used to the amount of food Jongin’s family feeds him every year. He always comes back to Seoul a few pounds heavier and cheeks a little rounder. Somehow, he manages to lose it all before winter break though.
Jongin snickers beside him and picks fish cake from the plate nearest to Sehun. This doesn’t go unnoticed by his grandmother, who swats his hands out of the way. “Eat your greens and leave Sehun alone. The boy is a stick!” Jongin hides a smile when Grandma pinches Sehun’s cheek and leaves the boy still as a rock.
“Incoming,” his mother calls. Jongin clears the table for his mother’s pot of tofu soup and the woman sets it down in front of Sehun and Jongin.
“Thanks, Mom,” Jongin says. Sehun pinches his thigh as a reminder to not talk with his mouth full. Sehun chimes in with his thanks as well and begins to eat too.
Dinner here is definitely louder than in Seoul, where it’s usually just Sehun and Jongin and occasionally Kyungsoo. They never get these hearty meals with a table overfilled with side dishes. In Seoul, it’s rice, kimchi, and whatever main dish Sehun decided to make. More often than not, there’s takeout on the table.
When Sehun feels like his stomach is about to burst from the amount of food he’s eaten, Jongin finally stops – and it’s only after Sehun had made it apparent that he can’t take Grandma prodding every body part anymore by playing footsie under the table. “Mom, I’m taking Sehun to my room!” He helps with the dishes while Sehun is stuck in that chair while Grandma dotes on him some more and manages to extract Sehun from her only after promises that they’ll still be here tomorrow.
“Goodnight Grandmother, goodnight Mrs. Kim,” Sehun bows before he leaves.
Mrs. Kim clicks her tongue and corrects him, “I’ve told you to call me ‘Mom’ for the past year Sehunah.” Her eyes are warm. “Rest, darling.”
Jongin drags Sehun upstairs to his room, where their stuff is already thrown haphazardly around. Jongin digs through his duffle and steals the shower first. Sehun is left to clean out Jongin’s closet and put his clothes in the empty half. Jongin is taking so long he has time to go through Jongin’s stuff and hang them up as well.
When Sehun emerges from the shower, Jongin is already snoring on the bed. The window is open but the screen is pulled down so the bugs can’t come in. Jongin had nabbed the left side of the bed, leaving the right side open for Sehun. Jongin shifts a little when Sehun settles in but doesn’t do much more than groan and wiggle so there’s more space.
The silence of the countryside is still eerie to Sehun, even though he used to live here, and he’s been to Jongin’s house more than he can count. Sehun thinks he’s spent more time at Jongin’s house than his own.
He lets out a shaky breath, hand coming up and resting over his eyes, careful to not touch Jongin. The bed is a little too small for two college students to be sleeping together, but its all they have. Jongin refuses let Sehun sleep on the floor but he won’t do it himself either. They had that banter two summers ago when Sehun came to Jongin’s for the summer for the first time. It’s been like that ever since.
“Sehun, can you stop breathing so loudly?” Jongin groans. He turns onto his side and shoves his head under his pillow, as if to prove a point. “And sleep, it’s like midnight.”
Sehun mumbles and apology and turns to his side, away from Jongin. From this view, Sehun can stare out the window. There’s not much to see since he’s lying down, but Sehun can catch glimpses of the moon and the twinkling stars. When he’s sure Jongin had fallen asleep again, he slips out of bed and curls up in a ball by the window. The night air is refreshing, and the smell of the countryside is a great contrast to Seoul’s suffocating smog. Sehun props his chin on his knees and hugs them close to his chest.
Being back home is a brutal reminder of those he has lost.
“What the fuck, Sehun!”
Sehun jerks awake and finds Jongin staring at him.
“Why are you sleeping on my desk?”
Sehun rubs his eyes and chooses to ignore Jongin’s whining so early in the morning. “God, you’re so freaking loud.”
“I woke up and you were gone? Like I literally almost rolled off the bed because I thought I was going to roll onto you at some point, but you weren’t there!”
“Sorry. I couldn’t sleep on the bed, and I didn’t want to wake you up because I kept tossing and turning.”
Jongin’s gaze softens and he shakes his head. “Fine. Wash up first and then come downstairs for breakfast. We can go swimming later if you want. Jaehee-noona’s bringing her kids and Jinah is coming too.”
Sehun finds himself sitting awkwardly on a rock in a long-sleeve and Jongin’s old swim trunks in the middle of ninety-eight degree weather. His fingers keep fiddling with the shirt and skirting around the scar on his side. He feels exposed though he knows that if he were to bare himself to the world, these are the people that would never look at him with judging eyes.
Around him, Jongin, his fourteen-year-old sister, and their two nieces and nephews are splashing water at each other. Little Minho’s screams are slightly irritating, but, for some odd reason, Sehun finds himself ignoring that and staring at Jongin’s wide grin instead. It fills him up and makes his insides feel funny. He doesn’t even realize that he’s staring until Jongin catches him and declares a water war on Sehun’s rock kingdom.
July
Sehun is downing his nth shot when Jongin returns from the bathroom. He catches Jongin’s disapproving eye, but continues to pour more soju for himself. Between the two of them, Sehun’s the better drinker. Where Jongin dies out after the first bottle, Sehun can finish three and a can of beer before he begins to slur his words and make weird faces at his friends.
Surprisingly, Jongin doesn’t stop him today, but rather plops down beside Sehun and pour his drinks for him. When Sehun’s finished his second bottle and reaches for the third, Jongin’s hand darts out to grab his wrist.
“Hey, that’s enough.”
Sehun shakes his wrist from Jongin’s hold and blinks slowly. “You can never have enough, Jongin.”
"Is there something on your mind?” Jongin asks. He snatches the bottle out of Sehun’s hand and opens it himself. He waits until Sehun holds his little shot glass up before filling it. “You’ve been spacy.” When Sehun doesn’t even acknowledge his words, he slams the bottle onto the floor.
Sehun whips his head to glare at Jongin. “What the hell?”
“I’ve known you for six years, Sehun. I know you have something in that little head of yours that’s been bugging you since we got here.” Sehun sticks out the glass for a refill, but Jongin refuses to give one to him. “Can you tell me what’s going on?”
Sehun scrunches his face and makes a disappointed noise. “I just want to drink all of my problems away, Jongin, is that too much to ask for?”
“Can you tell me what kind of problems you have so I can help you fix them? I don’t need you going to the hospital for alcohol poisoning because you don’t know what the meaning of enough is,” Jongin argues. He eyes Sehun up and down, taking note of the pink dusting Sehun’s cheeks and the glaze in his eyes. It’s like that one night when they went to the karaoke place. “Sehun, you have to talk to me.”
“Jongin.”
“What?”
“Soju.” Sehun waves his glass and Jongin has to stop himself from slapping it away.
“No.” Jongin brings the bottle to his lips and chugs the rest of it, relishing in the fact that Sehun’s eyes get wider and wider with each gulp. He doesn’t even register the burn until after he’s done and falls into a coughing fit.
Sehun is silent for a moment and then bursts into giggles. “You’re so fucking bad at drinking, it’s hilarious.” He sticks his hand under Jongin’s bed and rummages around being bringing out a can of beer. “Are you going to chug this too? I really want to see that.”
Jongin can only groan when Sehun pops the top open and begins to drink with a smile on his face. “I didn’t agree to hide your alcohol stash under my bed, Sehunah.”
“Well, there are a lot of things in the world you don’t have control over.” Sehun licks his lips. “I want chicken.”
“Shut up. Clean this up before you go to sleep. Fucking shit, Sehun. You’re a mess,” Jongin snaps. He has no patience today, so the curses slip out without him meaning to. The look on Sehun’s face is priceless. Jongin musses up his hair and disappears into the bathroom again.
Sehun snorts and takes another gulp. He can sense the disappointment and the annoyance, but all he wants is to push Jongin’s buttons. Sehun only drinks to forget, yet Jongin’s presence only makes him remember. In the silence of the room, Sehun can hear Jongin talking to himself in the bathroom, only to realize that Jongin is talking to Kyungsoo and they’re arguing.
He abandons his beer, opting to listen into Jongin’s heated conversation with his boyfriend. But as Jongin’s voice gets angrier and angrier, Sehun finds himself feeling lonelier and lonelier. He remembers the time when he was six and Dad kept on fucking yelling at Mom and she just sat there with angry tears streaming down her cheeks. Hyung had pulled Sehun into his room and started to play music as loud as he could get so that Sehun wouldn’t have to hear. But Sehun did and the words haven’t left his mind even after all these years.
“God, Soo, don’t you get it? Why is it that I’m always the one that’s apologizing to you? Stop being passive aggressive and tell me if you have a problem!”
For fuck’s sake, are you really just going to sit there and cry? Stop being passive aggressive and tell me if you have a problem with the way I spend my own goddamn money, woman!
Sehun crushes the empty can in his hand. The liquid sliding down his throat is bitter and burning, melting his insides with its poison. All Sehun wants to do is cry.
Jongin’s voice has tapered down so Sehun is forced to strain his ears to hear the rest of their conversation.
“Maybe it’s time to take a break.”
Sehun’s eyes widen, unsure of why Jongin would be the one to suggest such a thing when he’s completely enamored with the mere thought of Kyungsoo.
“Goodnight, Kyungsoo.” The light from the bathroom floods Jongin’s dark bedroom, and Jongin stands there in the doorway where Sehun is staring back at him with dazed eyes. “What?”
Sehun sighs and falls back onto the hardwood floor. “You sounded like Dad before he left,” Sehun whispers. His eyelids flutter closed, and he takes deep breaths that fill him up to keep the thoughts away. “Exactly like him, Jongin.”
“I don’t want to deal with your shit today, Sehun,” Jongin seethes. “I’m tired of all this crap.”
Sehun knows Jongin’s buttons are pressed alright.
So when Jongin crawls into bed and sleeps, Sehun lies on the floor while his mind purposely tries to drown itself so it doesn’t have to think anymore.
When Jongin wakes the next morning, he finds Sehun still on the floor, curled up on his side while cradling a crushed beer can close to his chest. His cheeks are red, eyes puffy, and Jongin realizes that Sehun cried himself to sleep last night. Sehun isn’t an emotional drunk, but he is a talkative drunk, and it gets on Jongin’s nerves all the time because Sehun doesn’t spill his problems, he instigates them.
Jongin unwraps Sehun’s fingers from the can and becomes worried when he feels how cold Sehun’s skin is. Part of him wants to leave Sehun on the floor because Sehun was being kind of really annoying last night, but another part knows that it’s Sehun’s weird way of coping. Jongin opts to pick Sehun up and set him on the bed, even pulling the blanket up to Sehun’s chin.
"Do you hate me?”
Jongin flinches in surprise, unaware that Sehun had woken up.
“I was angry last night, Sehunah. I didn’t mean a lot of the things I said,” he starts.
"Oh, I know you meant it,” Sehun says, voice noncommittal even though the words are heavy on his tongue. “I just wanted to know if you hated me. You know, taking care of me cause I can’t do it myself. Offering up half your bed and your home cause I don’t have my own. You think I’m useless?”
Jongin rubs his face with his hand in frustration. “Those words didn’t mean that. I spoke them out of frustration, and I’m sorry if you took them the wrong way.” In a smaller voice, Jongin says, “I’m sorry I sounded like your dad.”
"That doesn’t answer my question, Jongin.” Sehun looks so small, so vulnerable with his cheeks all pink and his eyes shining with fresh tears. “I just don’t want to feel so lonely.”
“You’re not lonely, Sehunah.” Jongin sits down and holds Sehun’s hand on his lap. “You have me. And Baekhyun and Joonmyeon, and my parents and my sisters and Grandma.”
"Yes, but they’re all yours. I don’t have anyone to myself, Jongin. Isn’t that really pathetic?”
Jongin’s breath hitches in his throat and the words he really wants to say die on his tongue.
But I’m yours.
August
Jongin and Kyungsoo don’t get back together when the school year resumes.
Sehun doesn’t bother asking why, or rather, he’s too scared that Jongin will snap and they’ll have an awkward rift again. Jongin always has someone to go to, but Sehun doesn’t have anyone to keep him company on lonely days.
Jongin is lounging around in his freaking underwear when Sehun comes home from his morning class – Jongin had planned it so that he wouldn’t have to wake up at seven to go to school – and Sehun makes a strangled noise when he spots him. “God, can you put on clothes please? I have eyes that would like to remain pure.”
“Hey, it’s hot and I don’t need to get dressed until my geology class starts.”
Sehun makes a weird face and sucks in air through his teeth. “Are you passing?”
“Sehunnie, it’s been a week since our third year started. A week! Let me live!” Jongin argues. He flips onto his stomach on the sofa and wiggles his toes in front of the fan. “I don’t want to be a nerd like you.”
Sehun sticks his tongue out in retaliation as he takes out a pot from under the counter to begin cooking their lunch. “I’m just saying that if, I don’t know, we get guests, you’re going to open that door in your underwear and scar the entire world,” he teases. Sehun is surprised to hear nothing in reply to his words. “Jongin?”
“Can I ask you a question?”
Sehun jumps a few inches off the ground when Jongin appears right behind him. “Holy shit, can you not do that?” He clutches his chest in mock horror, though his heart is beating out of his chest out right now.
But Jongin’s brows are furrowed, in deep thought, and his expression is telling Sehun that he isn’t joking. “I’m serious.”
Sehun rolls his eyes. “Well I can’t take you seriously when you’re wearing donuts.” Sehun gives Jongin’s underwear a pointed look. “They have sprinkles.”
“Sehun, please.”
“Put on clothes and then we’ll talk.”
All of a sudden, one of Jongin’s hands are in his hair, another cupping his cheek gently, and Sehun feels Jongin’s lips on his.
Sehun doesn’t know when he caught feelings for Jongin.
Maybe it was since Jongin helped him out of the tree in their second year in high school when Sehun had to climb to the top to grab his shoe that a bully that tossed up there for fun. Sehun didn’t know he was afraid of heights until then and Jongin had made sure that Sehun never forgot it.
Maybe it was the night Jongin snuck out of his house and climbed through Sehun’s window to comfort him after Dad just walked out the front door – and Sehun’s life – for good.
Maybe it was since the day Jongin held him close when both Mom and Hyung were pronounced dead from the accident and Sehun couldn’t even attend the funeral because of all the injuries he sustained. Jongin had whispered soothing words in Sehun’s ear and even let Sehun wipe his face on his shirt.
Maybe it was the time when Sehun had found out Dad died in yet another car accident during third period and Jongin took him out of class and rubbed his back while Sehun threw up in the bathroom because it was all too much to handle.
Maybe it was when Jongin opened up his family for Sehun since he didn’t have anyone to come home to for holidays. Jongin’s family became his own that summer.
Maybe it was the day he spilled out all his insecurities and burst into tears when he remembered that it’s been a year since his family fell apart, and Jongin just kept silent and stroked Sehun’s hair until he fell asleep. He had woken up the next day with Jongin’s arms wrapped tightly around him and Sehun had cried tears of gratitude.
Sehun doesn’t know when he caught feelings for Jongin because Jongin was always there. Maybe he’s loved Jongin all along.
All Sehun knew, though, was that Jongin had always moved fast. He breezed through school and – barely – passed with minimal effort. He had girlfriends, some of whose names Sehun doesn’t even remember. Jongin made friends so easily, was so sociable, that Sehun felt like he was background noise to Jongin’s symphony. In the way that Jongin sped through life, Sehun just couldn’t keep up. It was like getting caught in rip currents and being pushed further and further away from shore. Dad abandoning them. Losing Mom and Hyung in the same day. All of those events made Sehun fall so far behind that he feared that one day, he would lose Jongin too.
He prays that this wave will bring him closer to shore and not pull him further away from home.
Jongin doesn’t want to admit that Sehun’s always been the one.
The confession in February could have easily been something else. Instead of “I like guys,” Jongin should have said “I like you.” That was the plan, and he chickened out last minute. Kyungsoo wasn’t supposed to happen, but he did, and Jongin just realized his feelings all that much faster. He doesn’t come to the performing arts department meeting anymore, and Jongin is kind of glad since he wouldn’t be able to explain why they fell apart.
Though Jongin supposes, Kyungsoo knows about it all.
Jongin knew that he was gay a really long time ago. He grew up with two sisters who spent so much time on the internet looking up K-pop idols and western actors that Jongin knew everything about his sisters’ favorites like they were his own. It wasn’t just that, but the fact that Jongin never found girls interesting.
He was ten when he had his first crush on Chanyeol, a kid with too much to say and a loud personality. But he was nice and always helped Jongin do his math homework under the slide. But one day afterschool, Jongin had brought Chanyeol a flower he secretly plucked from his mom’s bushes, and Chanyeol’s mom slapped it away and told him to stop playing with her son. Jongin didn’t understand why until his own mom told him, through his wails in the car ride home, that boys just don’t like other boys. It was weird.
Jongin was fourteen when he had his second crush. He was the varsity basketball team’s captain. He was quiet and cared a lot about his team. Though Minseok graduated that same year, Jongin realized that his preference for guys wasn’t just admiration, but rather actual adoration. Simply put, Jongin liked boys. However, Jongin also learned that his sexual orientation wasn’t something that was normal and that he shouldn’t be telling people those things unless he wanted to be subject to bullying.
So when he befriended Sehun in his first year of high school, the latter stuck in a tree, Jongin had kept it to himself and found himself a new best friend. He also fell in love along the way.
But Sehun’s quiet demeanor and soft-spoken tendencies weren’t going to mesh well with Jongin’s personality. Jongin held Sehun at an arm’s distance, choosing to help Sehun cope with his problems rather than divulging his own. He didn’t need another person walking out because he was gay. To help with his charade, he asked girls from the performing arts department out on casual dates every once in a while, making it obvious to Sehun that it was girls he was interested in. It was to keep Sehun as close as he could without binding him to something more than just friendship. However, Kyungsoo helped Jongin see that Sehun didn’t care who he liked. In just a few short months, Kyungsoo understood and saw what Jongin had failed to see in six years.
Jongin can’t stop himself from loving Sehun because Sehun loves him back. He knows because Sehun returned that kiss.
September
“Hey, can I talk to you?”
Sehun blinks stupidly at Kyungsoo, who gives him a sheepish smile.
“I brought mangoes as a peace offering.”
Sehun lets Kyungsoo in without a word and offers him a seat on the couch. Kyungsoo is comfortable; after all, he has been here a lot when he and Jongin were together.
“How’ve you been?” Of course Kyungsoo starts off with small talk.
“Okay. School’s starting to kick in. Can I get you anything to drink?” Sehun offers.
Kyungsoo shakes his head. “I actually want to finish before Jongin gets back. I’ve done a pretty good job at avoiding him the past few months and I want to keep it that way.” Kyungsoo has a bitter smile on his face, but he doesn’t seem angry. “I know this is long overdue, but I wanted to talk to you about that, if that’s okay with you.”
Sehun gulps and nods, settling down in his armchair. “I assumed you and Jongin talked about it, but I guess not?”
“I understand why we ended, Sehun. I think I understand a lot more than I let on, and definitely a lot more than Jongin thinks I know.” Kyungsoo looks down at his hands and picks at the peeling skin on his thumb. “He never replied to my ‘I love yous’ and he always hesitated when I kissed him. He wasn’t as committed to it as I was.” Kyungsoo looks up. While his nose is beginning to show a pink tinge, his voice and eyes are surprisingly clear. “I always saw the way he looked at you like you were more than his best friend. But for some reason I never understood, you didn’t see it. No offense, but you literally looked like you didn’t care that Jongin was shooting hearts out of his eyes whenever he looked at you.”
“I never realized it,” Sehun says weakly.
“You also never realized that you looked at him with the same affection I do, did you?” Kyungsoo isn’t upset, his tone isn’t sharp. He sounds…disappointed, and Sehun finds that the most upsetting thing of all. “I’m not here to start a war. I came with a peace offering after all. I just wanted to end on a good note.” Kyungsoo sits up a little straighter and sticks his hand out. “Because I’ve grown to really like you two. And I want to stay as friends. If not with Jongin, then at least with you.”
Kyungsoo’s grip is warm.
“When did we get mangoes?”
“Someone brought them over earlier.”
“Oh. Can you cut some for me? I have an essay due in exactly four hours and twenty-two minutes.”
“Goodness. Yes. Go write your damn essay, Jongin.”
Sehun is on his way back from his philosophy class when he hears the words, “faggot” and a voice that sounds like Jongin’s. He peeks behind the biology building and sees Jongin and a few other guys in a circle, apparently ready to duke it out.
Cursing mentally, Sehun strides up to them and pulls Jongin out of the circle, ignoring the, “Speak of the devil, there comes the faggot himself,” that comes with his arrival and Jongin’s protests.
“What’s going on here?” Sehun asks in a low voice. “Why did it looked like I walked into World War III?” He glares back at the tallest male in the circle, who he remembers as Lee Dongjoo, and then looks back at Jongin.
“The ass was talking shit about you,” Jongin bristles.
“So you were going to fight him? Are you out of your fucking mind?”
“Hey, charity students should mind their own business and keep their toes in line. But I guess all you gay shits band together,” Dongjoo taunts.
Jongin lunges forward, and Sehun has to use all his strength to push him back. He holds Jongin by the collar before continuing. “I’ll deal with it. Stay here,” he orders.
He whips around with his phone and enters the circle and stares right into Dongjoo’s eyes. With Sehun’s height, Dongjoo is actually looking slightly up.
“Hey. If you’re going to talk shit, say it to my face.” Sehun shoves his phone into Dongjoo’s face. “Say it. I’ll show this and that video of you smoking pot with your friends to your dad.” Dongjoo’s eyes widen at the mention of the video. “Say it to my face, Lee Dongjoo. I’ll send it to your dad right now.”
“That’s blackmail,” one of cronies say.
“It’s not blackmail when you happened to be in the frame of my fucking video. I had to re-film that shit because of you guys.” Sehun raises his eyebrow at the male. “You want to be in the video too? And you?” Sehun spins in a circle to make sure all their faces are captured, but before he can finish, they all disperse like ants. Facing Dongjoo again, who is turning red from being humiliated, Sehun smiles. “Charity students should keep their toes in line. Everyone knows you’re only here because of your dad. Better not screw that up and bring him down with you,” Sehun says sarcastically. Rolling his eyes, Sehun walks back to Jongin, who’s looking at him with a newfound respect. “What?” he asks as he drags Jongin away from the building.
“You’re freaking amazing.”
“And you’re freaking stupid!” Sehun smacks the back of Jongin’s head and clicks his tongue as Jongin whines. “Do you know who he is? Director Lee’s son. That’s right, your precious Director Lee, head of the performing arts department. If you laid a single finger on that boy, you would have been out of the dance troupe for good.”
Jongin can only duck his head sheepishly and he clings onto Sehun’s arm. “I’ll buy you coffee.”
“God, I wanted to punch him in the face.”
“I’m surprised you held back. You’re so amazing.”
“Hell yeah I am.”
Where Jongin is always the one to rely on his fists to solve problems, Sehun is more eloquent and uses his words to bruise. Only Sehun can deal with Jongin’s impulsive tendencies, and only Jongin has enough thick skin to hear Sehun snap and rage without batting an eyelash. Together, they’re invincible.
October
Sehun wakes from his nap in Jongin’s arms. The latter is playing with his hair, and grins when Sehun’s eyes open a crack only to close again when the light is too bright.
“Good morning, sunshine.”
Sehun groans at the pet name and turns so his back is facing Jongin. “Too early.”
“What do you mean? It’s five p.m. and I’m getting hungry.” Jongin’s fingers skitter over Sehun’s side and rub circles into the skin exposed from Sehun’s shirt riding up. “What do you want to eat today?”
“My feelings.”
“What the heck does that even mean,” Jongin deadpans.
“I don’t know, I just needed a snarky remark.” Sehun smiles with his entire face, nose scrunching, eyes curving. “I’m okay with anything.”
Jongin comes up with a mental list of five possible places they can go to before naming them out loud. “Do you want to call for takeout or go out?”
“I don’t care.”
“Okay…sushi?”
“Don’t want a stomachache.”
“McDonald’s?”
“You have the food taste of a five-year-old.”
“Fine. We can call for jjajangmyun.”
“I wanna go out.”
“What about Subway?”
“We can make our own sandwiches at home.”
“Udon?”
“I was thinking more along the lines of samgyupsal.”
Jongin pinches Sehun side until he starts squirming. “You couldn’t tell me that from the beginning?”
Sehun smiles cheekily. “Can you do the grilling?”
“Yes, you’d probably hurt yourself grilling, are you kidding me?”
Sehun turns around so that he’s facing Jongin and cups his hand on Jongin’s cheek. “You know I really appreciate everything about you right?”
“Are you going to get sentimental and cry on me right now? Right before dinner?”
“Hey, you know I’m sensitive!” Sehun punches Jongin’s chest lightly and buries his face into it. “I just never thought you’d like me back, Jongin,” he adds. His voice is so muffled Jongin asks him to repeat. “I don’t know when I started liking you. I didn’t even think I liked guys. I just liked you.”
“That’s so freaking cheesy.” Jongin shifts his body so that he has his hands on either side of Sehun’s head and his entire body is draped on the younger. “I guess you could say you’re Jong-sexual.”
“Oh my god, shut up!” Sehun bats his fists against Jongin’s chest and fake gags. “You’re disgusting. I don’t have an appetite anymore. I’m not eating!”
Jongin can only smile before darting down to press a soft kiss on Sehun’s chin. “Let’s get dinner. You’re paying?”
“You’re the one with the job?”
“You’re the one with the craving?”
“I said I don’t want to eat anymore!” Sehun sticks out his tongue and tries to roll off the sofa, but he forgets that he’s literally caged in Jongin’s arms. “Hello, please let me go so I can pee.”
“Fine, I’ll pay,” Jongin assents, like he wasn’t going to all along. “You owe me,” he says as he lifts his entire body off the couch so Sehun can leave. “Back rub?”
“I give you study sheets for classes you fall asleep in. I’m basically the only reason you haven’t dropped out and become a bum at home,” Sehun hisses. He darts into the bathroom before Jongin can even protest.
Sehun walks really close to Jongin on the streets but doesn’t do much more than that. Jongin understands. People give them weird looks if they hold hands or anything other than walk really close to each other. It’s pretty easy to walk close today though, because there must be something going on that makes the sidewalk all crowded. Jongin takes the chance to slip his hand into Sehun’s pocket and lace their fingers together inside of it.
They’re only a block away from the samgyupsal restaurant Sehun loves when Jongin feels Sehun go ramrod straight and his fingernails dig into the meat of Jongin’s palm. He stops and glances over to find Sehun literally frozen in fear and staring off into the distance, where everyone else is looking. Following Sehun’s gaze, Jongin sets his eyes on the car accident that left the entire front bumper of a white car hanging off the rest of its body and another blue car T-boned.
Jongin reacts before he thinks and spins Sehun around. “Hey, let’s go another way.” He takes his hand out of Sehun’s pocket to wrap around his shoulders and his other hand rests firmly on Sehun’s hip to guide them out of the crowd. Sehun is trembling in his hold, eyes blinking furiously, and breath coming out in sharp pants that has Jongin scrambling.
Sehun makes a choked noise when the ambulance zips past them and nearly loses his balance. Jongin steadies him before he can fall.
“Hey, hey, hey. Breathe,” Jongin soothes. His feet keep moving, though his hands stay in a steady grip on Sehun’s body. “Don’t look at it. Don’t think about it. Keep moving forward, Sehunah. We’re almost there.” He isn’t sure if he should be taking Sehun home or if Sehun still wants to eat, but he keeps pushing until the wails of the sirens are gone and there aren’t much people crowding around on the sidewalk.
“Jongin, stop,” Sehun whispers. And Jongin does. He leans Sehun on a wall and watches worriedly as Sehun clenches his eyes shut. His breathing is shaky, and he hunches over, hands on his knees to hold himself up. “I want to go home,” he mumbles. “My head feels funny. I can’t-”
Sehun can’t breathe. His vision is turning fuzzy. His body feels like lead. He keeps seeing glass shatter and the world spinning. He can’t even decipher between reality and memory anymore.
“Sehunah, stay with me. Look at me.”
Jongin’s voice sounds weird, like he’s hearing him with cotton stuffed in his ears.
“Sehun, don’t-”
Sehun’s vision goes black.
“I’m hungry,” are the first words Sehun says when he wakes.
“Well, I would assume so. It’s midnight. You basically took another nap.” Jongin places a mug of honey ginger tea into his hands when Sehun pushes himself into a sitting position. “I ate dinner without you because I was starving, but I will gladly eat again.”
Sehun takes a sip of the beverage and feels his inside warm up instantaneously. “Did you carry me home?”
“We were three blocks from home, but complete strangers started freaking out when you fainted, so I was offered a ride to the hospital but declined. The nice lady drove us home instead.”
Sehun chokes on his tea. “You put me in a car?” he asks incredulously.
“Well, you were out cold, and I really didn’t want to carry you three blocks.”
He doesn’t even have anything to argue, but the idea of him being in a car freaks Sehun out.
“You didn’t die! You’re okay!” Jongin continues. “You’re drinking tea I made, which means I did something right.”
Leaning forward, Sehun presses his forehead against Jongin’s shoulder. He inhales deeply and breathes out. “Thank you, Jongin.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Jongin’s arms wrap around Sehun’s shoulders, careful of the mug of hot tea between their bodies. “Taking care of you is second nature to me now.”
Sehun wants to add more to his thank you message, but the next three words die on his tongue. He’s not sure if he’s ready for it yet.
November
“You never formally asked me out,” Sehun blurts out.
“What.”
Sehun scrunches his nose, face turning pink. “Just saying. Like, what are we?”
“Sehun. We rearranged our room so that we could push our beds together. We sleep together. What do you think we are?” Jongin deadpans.
“Technically, we sleep next to each other. And we did that before, but you were my best friend then,” Sehun remarks. He sticks the pen cap into his mouth but Jongin slaps it away before he can chew. “So what are we?” He looks down at his shopping list and adds eggs.
“Do you need me to spell it out for you? It’s been three months, Sehun.” Jongin resumes his carrot cutting but huffs when Sehun corrects his knife-holding form for the nth time. “You’re a nerd, figure it out yourself.”
“Well, it’s been three months, but we haven’t gone further than casual handholding when we’re comfortable and forehead kisses. Isn’t that something kids do with their parents?”
Jongin hisses through his teeth when the carrot slips from under his finger and he nearly chops his index finger off. “Sehunnie, I really can’t do this.”
“Well you either do that or go grocery shopping.” Sehun waves the paper around and Jongin snatches it out of his hand.
“I’ll do shopping.”
Sehun sticks his tongue out. “When are you ever going to learn how to cut vegetables? You’re a third year in college and you’re too scared to even hold a knife.”
“Well I have you to do that. I’ll do the physical labor,” Jongin says as he rinses his hands. “Give me money?”
Sehun rolls his eyes as he takes up the space Jongin previously occupied. His fingers are skilled and the carrot that Jongin failed to cut is already halfway to being done. “Wallet’s in my backpack, left side pocket.
Jongin slinks out of the kitchen and into the bedroom. He rummages around Sehun’s backpack before pulling out Sehun’s wallet like a trophy. He takes more than is necessary, like always, and stuffs it in his pocket. The list is tucked securely under his fingers against his phone when he emerges from the room. He looks over the list again one more time as he leans on the counter.
Sehun glances at him from the carrots and raises an eyebrow. “What?”
“Wait, how many eggs do you want me to buy?”
“Jongin, they only come in dozens. You can’t just buy one egg, what the hell?”
Jongin shrugs. “I didn’t know that.” He makes a note with the pen Sehun left on the counter. “And why do we need more carrots exactly? We didn’t even finish that.”
Sehun sighs. “Stop questioning me and just buy. And I know you took more money than you need, you dick.” Sehun places a well-aimed kick to Jongin’s shin. “Can you check the eggs this time to make sure none of them are cracked?”
“Yes sir!” Jongin fake salutes and backs out of the kitchen. “See you in a bit! Love you!”
Sehun feels his face warm up at the words and his stomach fills with tingles.
Jongin is spearing a piece of chicken with his fork and popping it in his mouth when Sehun suddenly says, “Hey, will you be my boyfriend?” He nearly chokes on said piece of chicken.
Sehun snorts as he slides a glass of water over to Jongin. “What? You never asked, so I did it.”
“But it was already established that we’re a thing?” Jongin coughs some more, pounding his chest. “And why did you have to choose that exact moment to ask?”
Sehun shrugs. “I want it to be official.” He blinks curiously. “Wait, you knew that.”
Jongin did. Sehun was always the one to go the extra mile and make sure everything was official. He drafted up stupid contracts and hung them in the living room, making sure that Jongin would never forget that he oversaw sweeping and mopping the house on Fridays and other stuff of that caliber while Sehun cooked and figured out the bills. Jongin can’t help but cringe when he remembers that Sehun had once made him sign a contract – while he was drunk out of his mind – stating that Jongin would give him ten percent of each paycheck. Needless to say, that one’s been recycled.
“I never felt the need to ask.” Jongin stabs a carrot with his fork. “Please don’t make me choke again,” he mumbles before taking a bite of the stir fry. “And besides, does it really matter? Everyone who cares to pay attention already knows.”
Sehun clicks his tongue in annoyance. “Yes, but I want to be able to officially say that I’m dating someone and no longer in the single people club.”
Jongin grins and reaches over to grab Sehun’s cheeks. “Fine. Say hello to your first ever boyfriend.”
Sehun has a lot on his mind. The amount of homework on the coffee table is daunting and does nothing to relieve his mentality.
“Dude, that is an essay due two weeks from now. And the project is due in a month. Why are you freaking out?” Jongin asks. He’s staring at Sehun upside down from his position on the couch. His long legs are slung over the back and his head hands off the seat cushion.
“Because it’s a really big project and a really important essay!” Sehun defends. He’s helplessly staring at his laptop and textbooks like they are the answers to his salvation.
“That’s what you say with every project and essay, and guess what? You still get at least a B+ on all of them.” Jongin reaches his arms out across the table and push Sehun’s laptop lid down. “You need to calm down. Take a nap or something.”
Sehun fidgets in his seat on the floor. “Actually, Jongin, can I talk to you?” Jongin has a slight suspicion is has something to do with the email Sehun had been typing instead of writing his essay and the phone calls he takes in which he locks Jongin out of the room. “I was thinking of not telling you, but you’re kind of my boyfriend now, so I feel the need to tell you.”
Jongin slides off of the couch in one fluid motion and scoots over on his butt to Sehun. “Hey, you’re never obliged to tell me anything. If you want to, then you do. If you don’t, then don’t. Just because we’re together doesn’t mean that I’m suddenly privy to all of your thoughts.” He nuzzles his nose into Sehun’s sweater paw – actually his sweater that Sehun nabbed from his closet two days ago – and leans his head onto Sehun’s arm.
“I’m sure you’d love that though. You wouldn’t have to spend half the time guessing what’s making my face twist up.”
“Sehunah, it’s one of two things. You’re either stressing about homework, or you’re remembering things you shouldn’t be.”
“Or you’re pissing me off.”
Jongin smiles cheekily as he lays his head in Sehun’s lap. “That too, I guess.” He looks up at Sehun with concerned eyes. “But what is it?”
Sehun bites his lip in hesitation, fingers jerking nervously as they come down to comb through Jongin’s black locks. “After having a good talk with my psychology professor, I think I should be getting counseling for my PTSD.” Sehun’s voice is soft and laced with uncertainty. “I’m having all these breakdowns pretty often and I’m actually terrified of cars. It’s obviously going to take a toll on me... and our relationship.” He scratches softly at Jongin’s scalp as he tilts his head slightly to the left. “And I think it’s time I tried to face all of those fears. You know, especially now that I have you.”
Jongin pushes himself up and props himself on his elbows as he pulls Sehun into a gentle kiss. “You’ve always had me.”
December
“Well this is awkward.”
Sehun winces and tries to slink out of the room, but Jongin’s hand around his wrist is tight and unrelenting. Sehun lets out a small whimper when Jongin tugs a little too hard.
“Sorry,” he mumbles before letting Sehun go.
“One of us should change. I suggest it be you two since it’s your house,” Baekhyun quips. Beside him, Joonmyeon coughs into his fist and hip bumps Baekhyun out of the doorway.
“We’re the hosts, so you should be the one changing,” Jongin counters. He raises an eyebrow at Baekhyun. “The two of us are matching for a reason.”
“Hey guys, I think I need another hand because I bought some pretty heavy pre- oh.” Kyungsoo’s voice trails off when he makes it to the open door.
Sehun really wants to slip away into his room to change. Jongin literally facepalms. Baekhyun looks scandalized. Joonmyeon has to hold back his laughter. His face is already turning red.
“I can change?” Kyungsoo offers. “After I put this down.”
Jongin shakes his head. “Let’s just all keep the sweaters on and enjoy ourselves.” He gives Baekhyun a pointed look with his hands on his hips. “It’s just a sweater.”
Baekhyun scoffs but relents, helping Kyungsoo with the giant present with Joonmyeon’s name on it. “I’m not posting our pictures on Instagram. This looks too planned to be real. No one will believe me when I say this was all coincidental and everyone will think we’re some sort of cheesy friend group that has sleepovers or something.”
“Honestly, it kind of looks like all of you are Sehun’s side hoes,” Joonmyeon cackles. “I can’t believe all of you have matching Christmas sweaters. This is hilarious!”
Sehun really wants to go change.
The party is small, just the five of them in the tiny apartment. Jongin and Sehun provided the accommodation, Joonmyeon brought the food, Kyungsoo brought the booze, and Baekhyun brought himself as entertainment.
“This is a really boring Christmas party,” Baekhyun utters. “We can’t even karaoke because your neighbors have sensitive as fuck ears.”
“They have kids with a bedtime, Baekhyun. And I think you’re the only one who wants to karaoke,” Jongin mumbles through his bite of pizza. “I’m still down for board games.”
“Yes, because you’re boring.”
Sehun allows himself a half smile at Baekhyun’s really bad pun. He leans closer to Jongin while sipping on his beer. “We can put on a movie,” he offers.
“Christmas movies are overrated,” Baekhyun argues.
Joonmyeon slaps a hand over Baekhyun’s mouth. “You have a retort for everything. Just enjoy the damn party,” he growls.
Kyungsoo reappears with a cheese platter and gestures for the table to be cleared.
“God, Soo, you’re actually outdated. Who eats cheese platters nowadays?” Baekhyun says. He stacks empty plates on top of each other and hand them to Sehun to throw away.
“I like cheese,” Sehun says. He smiles at Kyungsoo before disappearing to the kitchen to throw the plates away. He doesn’t notice that Jongin trails after him until Jongin’s arms snake around his waist. “What are you doing here?”
“Following you.” Jongin noses Sehun’s nape and presses a soft kiss there. “Kissing you.”
Sehun leans back into the touch, feeling all of him mold perfectly into Jongin’s form. “You’re supposed to be entertaining guests.”
“They act like they own the place. Do I really have to entertain them?”
There’s a loud crash from the main room and Baekhyun’s loud voice screaming, “You guys are both losers!”
Sehun flinches at the sound and Jongin picks up immediately. He spins Sehun around before Sehun can even register what’s going on. “You okay?” he whispers. He puts a hand on Sehun’s cheek and tilts his face up. “Hey, look at me.” Sehun jerks a bit at the touch but opens his eyes. “You’re fine. It’s okay.”
Sehun lets out a shaky breath, but nods. “I’m okay,” he repeats.
Jongin smiles proudly. “Look at you. Counseling is helping.” He pecks Sehun’s nose and pulls away just in time to see a pink blush dust over Sehun’s cheeks. “You’re doing so much better.”
“Guys, I hate to break you two apart, but Baekhyun is currently sitting on Joonmyeon, and I’m not sure the poor guy can take it. Please help.” Kyungsoo looks out of place standing there. His fingers are fidgeting with the hem of his sweater, and he keeps his eyes averted.
Sehun snickers and pulls away. “Baekhyun does that a lot. He’s pretty drunk too.” Sehun grabs Kyungsoo’s twitchy hand and tugs him back into the main room. “He’ll fall asleep soon and Joonmyeon will crawl out. But if you’re worried, you can grab his hands and I’ll pull him off.”
“Careful, he likes to swing,” Jongin adds.
It’s nearly three in the morning when Kyungsoo and Joonmyeon leave. Baekhyun is knocked out on the couch and most likely won’t wake up until noon anyway, so Sehun and Jongin let him stay. It takes a few trips back and forth from the apartment to get all of the presents and leftover food sorted out – because Sehun is not any help with how much he’s swaying on his feet – but soon enough, it’s just Jongin and Sehun laying side by side in their room.
“Merry Christmas, Sehunah.” Jongin pulls Sehun closer, leg swinging over to wrap around Sehun’s thighs. “I’m really happy that we’re together.”
“Me too,” Sehun mumbles contently. He’s already halfway to dreamland, with the buzzing of the alcohol in his system and the softness of Jongin’s shirt against his skin. “I’m happy I have you.” He tilts his head up to brush his lips against Jongin’s chin. “Thank you for everything.”
Jongin hums, chest rumbling with the sound. Sehun loves the vibrations against his ear. “Goodnight, Sehunah.”
“You make me feel all warm and fuzzy,” Sehun continues to mumble. “I’m taller than you but your arms make me feel so safe.” Sehun giggles softly and Jongin can’t help a smile from forming at the sound. “I feel soooo small when I’m with you. Like you can put me in your pocket, right next to your heart.” Sehun jabs a finger into Jongin’s pectoral. “Right there.”
“Sleep, Sehunnie,” Jongin repeats.
“Have I ever told you you’re really buff? Everything about you is so big and warm. I love it.”
“You’re absolutely adorable, but you need to sleep.” Jongin rubs circles into Sehun’s back with his hand. “Sleep.”
There is silence and Jongin is drifting off himself when he hears, “Do I feel small to you?”
He laughs a bit at that and even more when Sehun pinches the spot he jabbed earlier. “You fit perfectly into my arms, Sehunah.”
“Does that mean I’m small?” Sehun pouts.
“You have the biggest heart and the brain of anyone I know. Only you can deal with my teasing and still make me study sheets. And only you know how to solve all of those calculus equations and understand organic chemistry.”
“But you’re silly, so I don’t know if that’s a good comparison.” Sehun’s lisp emerges as he continues to speak. “Sometimes my mind is so big I get lost in all of my thoughts.” He shudders a little bit, as if remembering something. Jongin tightens his hold instinctively. “But you hold me like this and it gets better. I remember that I’m alive, and it’s all okay. I’m safe.”
“That’s right, Sehunah. You’re safe and sound.”
Sehun makes a small noise of agreement and nuzzles closer to Jongin’s chest. His hand is pressed firmly against Jongin’s heart.