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Cullen sat up in his bed, panting and gasping for air. His body and the sheets were covered in sweat, small beads ran down his forehead to the tip of his nose. His heart pounded in his chest, his ears ringing loudly. Two, toned arms wrapped around him, he hit them off quickly. His mind still full of the terrors that had disrupted his sleep.
“Amatus?” Cullen spun around at the sound of a voice, it was just Dorian sat looking at him. That same concerned look he always had when Cullen had a nightmare. “They’re becoming more frequent.” Dorian wrapped his arms around Cullen again, his face leaned into his shoulder. Dorian’s lips pressed gently into Cullen’s skin, leaving a soft gentle peck.
“They have to stop soon,” Cullen leaned his face into his hand, slowly wiping the sweat from his face. Dorian’s hand gently rubbed Cullen’s firm abs, his fingertips lightly trailing the outline of his muscles. More pecks landing onto his hardened shoulders. “Right?”
Dorian felt a deep sadness swell inside him. He didn’t want to lie to Cullen, but to admit that he wasn’t sure was just as painful for him. Cullen had been through so much, all Dorian wanted to do was comfort him, to make him happy. The constant nightmares, sitting up until sunrise because Cullen couldn’t close his eyes and drift back off, they were becoming agonising. Dorian was tired, he was sad, his lover had been through so much and now at one of his worst moments, he didn’t know how to help him.
“Maybe we should try and get some sleep?” Dorian whispered quietly, he felt Cullen trembling in his arms. He held on tighter, holding Cullen to him. He gently guided Cullen back onto the bed, laying close next to him. His arms holding him closely. “You need your rest.” He pressed a kiss to Cullen’s cheek, closing his eyes and he nuzzled into Cullen’s neck.
Cullen didn’t sleep, he lay staring up at the ceiling until sunrise. Dorian fell asleep pretty quickly, Cullen watching him for a while. Dorian looked so peaceful when he slept, so gentle and delicate. Cullen couldn’t imagine being with anyone other than him. His smile, his laugh, his wit, and mustache. Dorian was unlike anyone Cullen had ever met before, so handsome, so caring. If Cullen didn’t have him by his side through this he probably would have crumbled long ago.
Dorian awoke slowly, blinking as he looked at Cullen, a small smile curling onto his lip. “Good morning,” he whispered, he kissed Cullen’s neck then slowly leaned up onto his elbow. He looked down at Cullen, his face was pale apart from dark bags that sat under his eyes. “You haven’t slept?” Dorian’s voice was low and flat. He wasn’t angry at Cullen, he was disappointed. Disappointed in himself, that no matter how hard he tried Cullen would lay awake in a restless state, disappointed at how helpless he felt when he couldn’t come up with any solutions to help him.
Cullen sighed heavily, he slowly moved out of Dorian’s arms and walked over to his window. He leaned his hands onto the ledge, sighing heavily. Dorian watched him, following Cullen with his eyes as he paced across the room. Cullen lifted his hand and gently rubbed his fingers across his forehead, his head was pounding. He could barely think through the pain, it was stronger than any headache he’d had before. It affected everything, his ears felt full, a hard pain sat behind his eyes.
“Do you need a healer?” Dorian asked gently. He too climbed out of the bed, he walked over to Cullen, a hand reached out to take hold of him. He snatched his hand back quickly, instead, he leaned onto the wall next to Cullen, trying to see his face.
“No,” Cullen snapped quickly. “Thank you...it’s just a headache.” He stood up straight, looking at Dorian pulling the same expression as last night. Cullen forced out a weak smile, he probably did need a healer but he didn’t want to appear weak. The commander of The Inquisition needing a healer because of a headache, it sounded absurd to even think about.
The door to Cullen’s office creaked open loudly. “Commander? It’s me, Jim!” Jim announced loudly as he entered the room.
Cullen sighed heavily. “I’ll be down in a moment.” He called back. He looked Dorian in the eyes, leaning in to gently kiss the Tevinter on his lips. “Duty calls.” He mumbled softly, he pecked Dorian one last time before turning his head to look at his armour.
“Of course,” Dorian looked towards Cullen’s armour. “I’ll see you tonight?”
Cullen nodded with a gentle smile. “Always.”
***
The pair went about their day, Dorian often wandered Skyhold’s library. Pulling out different books to distract himself, laughing away with the Inquisitor to disguise any worries he had. The Inquisitor had enough to worry about, he didn’t want to burden them. He knew they knew about Cullen’s addiction, they were the ones who agreed to let Cullen stop, but still...Dorian’s problems seemed so small to what the Inquisitor needed to focus on. The Breach, Corypheus, Dorian’s love life was nothing of concern to them, even if they did ask if he was alright. He often thought about going to see Cullen, just to check up on him, but he didn’t want to bother him. He didn’t want Cullen to think he was fussing over him like a mother hen but he couldn’t deny that he was worried. Even when Cullen talked of wanting to retake his Lyrium, Dorian stood by him. Holding him through the nightmares, cleaning the sweat off Cullen’s face with a cold cloth, whispering soft reassuring words into his ears.
Dorian wasn’t the only one hiding his true feelings. Cullen had been struggling since last night, worn out, aching. He needed rest, just one moment for himself to relax but it never came. Even without Dorian and the Inquisition's battle plans, Cullen struggled. His head, his body, everything hurt. His mind and eyes were heavy. He tried distracting himself with battle plans and troop movements but he still had a constant nagging at the back of his mind. Something that constantly pulled his mind away from his work. He often found himself trying to think about Dorian to ease his mind, even though it only gave him small moments of happiness it got him through the day quicker. Knowing they would be together in the night, holding and kissing each other, it was worth powering through for.
Both men had been through a lot, both together and apart. They lived vastly different lives but at the end of it all they both needed comfort, they needed each other. They found something they had both been missing when they were together. Every time Dorian left with the Inquisitor Cullen felt empty, he wouldn’t sleep, he’d pace around his bedroom talking to himself. Without Dorian, his withdrawal was so much worse, without Dorian to hold him through it, without Dorian’s arm wrapped around him he struggled. Writhing on the bed, hugging his knees to his chest tightly. If he did manage to sleep the nightmares waking him up to an empty bed made him feel so much lonelier. That was when he was weakest, wanting to take the Lyrium. To stop feeling so weak and empty, but then it would hit him. Dorian coming back to find him taking it, to see the change in him, the thought broke Cullen’s heart. Disappointing Dorian was something he never wanted to do.
When Dorian was away with the Inquisitor, whether it was in The Hinterlands of The Storm Coast his mind would wander back to Skyhold, wandering back to Cullen in particular. Was he ok? Was he eating? Sleeping? Maker, what if he had started taking again whilst Dorian wasn’t there. He didn’t really believe Cullen would fall off the wagon, but it was a concern. He knew it couldn’t have been easy on Cullen, he knew Cullen was strong, but he wouldn’t blame him if he caved and began again. He would help him every time, what really worried Dorian is if this was the last time. If Cullen started taking again and there was no way to stop him, above all else that was Dorian’s biggest concern. He had seen Cullen get agitated, watched as he struggled through his work, saw him leaning on the war table, not to plan, just to hold himself up. If there was one thing Dorian could say about Cullen, it was that he admired him. Admired his strength, his commitment to the Inquisition, how much he cared for what was best for the people of Skyhold. He loved Cullen, he couldn’t deny it.
***
There had been one moment where Cullen had mentioned wanting to start taking Lyrium again. Hearing those words broke Dorian’s heart. Watching Cullen crumble as he said he wasn’t doing good enough, how The Templars got the best of him whilst he struggled to keep himself for The Inquisition. Dorian held him tighter than he ever had before, he let Cullen sob into his shoulder, felt his large, firm hands holding tightly onto his back.
“You can get through this,” Dorian whispered to him, his fingers getting lost in the array of thick blonde hair.
“I’m so weak.” Cullen would reply, his voice breaking on every word. Gasping for air through his heavy tears, his face nuzzled deep into Dorian’s shoulder.
“You are not,” Dorian reassured him. “You are the strongest man I know.” Cullen held onto Dorian tighter, Dorian stroked his hair slowly, kissing the top of his head gently. Cullen’s fingers trailed up and down Dorian’s spine, feeling the soft skin beneath his fingertips.
“I couldn’t do this without you.” Cullen’s voice was quiet and muffled as he talked into Dorian’s shoulder.
“Of course not,” Dorian laughed gently. “Very few could.” He felt Cullen’s lips curl into a smile, a smile he had been missing for so long. All he wanted was to make Cullen happy, to see him smile, to hear him laugh. He had never felt like this before, this warmth that filled him. It was deeper, deeper than he had ever known. He couldn’t even think about leaving Cullen, not now anyway. He was happy, comfortable. Love was terrifying and exciting at the same time, being thrown into a whirlwind of the unknown, it was incredible.
Cullen loved Dorian too. Being in The Templars for so long, he had never known love, not love that was returned anyway. It was lonely, lying in a bed on your own, surrounded by people but feeling like you’re the only one in the room it was hard. He had seen lovers torn apart, mages and Templars falling into forbidden love. He never expected to find it for himself, but laying here, with Dorian’s arm wrapped around him. Being able to kiss him, touch him whenever he needed to, it was something he never knew he needed.
The Inquisition may take their times and attention, but they always came back to each other. Supporting each other through their hard times, comforting through the night, talking about their worries and fears. One day it would have to end but not now, not yet.