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Jeremy sat in Lapez at a bistro table eating breakfast and wondering when his co-presenters would arrive from their overnight journey on Bolivia’s “Death Roads”.
He’d chosen yesterday to go on by himself when James’s Suzuki had broken down, not even given the other two a chance to complain before peeling out and leaving them behind while feeling smug about his Range Rover.
When he’d arrived in town he’d been informed by his film crew that the others were on their way and would keep in contact. As the night dragged on and the 1st crew waited for radio contact with an ETA from the 2nd, Jeremy had started to worry.
Maybe he should’ve waited and not gone ahead he thought as he worried himself to sleep.
However in the morning he’d been told they’d be arriving soon, and would be staying an extra day to recover. Jeremy found himself staged at a bistro not long after fidgeting with his cup and wondering how bad it’d really been for his friends on that dark, twisting road.
Now as he sipped his coffee he saw them approaching from a side street with their film crew leading the way and knew it’d been one of the tougher times for the seasoned crew.
The crew, who if he was being honest, looked pretty rough for wear and he suddenly understood the order to stay an extra day for them to recover. The road must have been very bad indeed last night….worse than he’d imagined but the other two were tough and they’d managed through worse.
But as the group approached, he was forced to admit to himself that the crew looked nowhere near as bad as his co-presenters. Hammond was absolutely caked in dirt and what Jeremy could see of his face was a tired, guarded mask as he favorited his left side. May’s was almost as dirty but it was his posture that caught Jeremy’s eye. It was subdued, almost curled away from the group and his face was hidden behind a curtain of greying curls. Jeremy suddenly wasn’t so sure they should film their reunion right now, maybe they’d be better off fudging the scene later… But the producers insisted that they film their meet up now and capture their banter before they cleaned up and rested.
So as the cameras got ready around him Jeremy smiled and waved obnoxiously to show the new arrivals he was glad to see them, hoping to spark a smile or eye roll. He was met however with no reaction from any of the weary group except for a few angry glares.
As his co-hosts came to sit at the table Richard greeted him with a tight “Clarkson.” before all but collapsing in his chair to the right of Jeremy.
James did not greet him and instead stood on the fringe for a moment before stiffly sitting in the chair to his left, as far from Jeremy as possible while still in frame for the camera. His face was both distant, angry and Jeremy thought almost hurt as he glared at him before he moved his gaze onto Richards then off into the distance.
“Common boys! It couldn’tve been THAT bad! What? Did you and James get scaredy waredy without your fearless leader?” Jeremy joked loudly, “Get little close to the edge May? Did the Suzuki almost kill you?” He said trying to break the silence and ice but his two friends just seemed to ignore him.
“Let’s just film this and get it done so we can go rest.” Richard said coldly and the film crew begins filming, picking up on the tight tension between the hosts.
As they played their roles for the show Jeremy picks up his boasting ego air and continues teasing about having thought the two of them dead and the ‘ceremony‘ he’d had. Richard was snappy and mean towards Jeremy and during their usual play banter wasn’t so playful as Clarkson was left forced to defend himself and his actions, which WERE a farce, in an high pitched voiced air of confusion that wasn’t exactly acting. Throughout the whole thing James sat quietly his face still a mask of distant and anger, only occasionally piping up with a jab or cutting one liner that Jeremy was sure wasn’t entirely acting either.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The crew called “Cut!” after the challenge was read and then the film crew started to disperse.
James stood quickly to take his obviously angry leave and all but rushed past Jeremy, ignoring the man’s attempts at talking to him. Confused and starting to get irritated himself, Jeremy looked to Richard for explanation.
“What’s wrong with him?! You’ve both just been absolute asses to me!” He said incredulously from his seat as it was suddenly just the two of them. He began to stand and call after James, more rudely this time, his temper flaring. They’d sort this out now he thought, he wasn’t going to deal with this tomorrow.
But a hard slap on the plastic table followed by a harshly barked “Don’t!” from Richard surprised Jeremy and he froze.
“Just don’t! Leave him alone Clarkson.” He said and then stood, quickly moving towards the direction of the hotel not looking back until Jeremy caught his arm, the taller man’s long legs catching up to Richard quickly.
Without looking at Jeremy Hammond tried to free himself from the firm grip but found his arm held tight. So instead he turned back on Jeremy, steaming and all but whispered venomously.
“You big ape, have you no idea do you? How selfish you were yesterday? and just now how insensitive? James is terrified of heights, absolutely terrified! You know that Jeremy...And yet! And yet you bumped into him and, AND!” He stopped short and Jeremy was startled at the fierceness that Richard spoke with, feeling the sting in his words.
“No, I’m not doing this with you now.”
The smaller man shook his head dismissively and successfully jerked his arm free from the larger man’s now much gentler hold.
“And what?” Jeremy asked hesitantly in a lower voice, hurt at his friends tone and attitude.
Sure he had played up their delay for the camera, the graves and whatnot….but the bump had truly been an accident and he couldn’t see why James would be so upset about it, fear of heights or not. And why was Richard so angry at him? He’d done nothing to the man! Something else must’ve happened, that Jeremy was positive of.
Now as he looked into Richards wide brown eyes that were usually so warm and welcoming he found them clouded with anger and something akin to mistrust he knew he’d messed up big time.
“And nothing,” Hammond snapped “If you’re too daft to figure it out then I’m not going to spell it out for you. I’m going to go find James and make sure he’s ok before we have to leave in the morning.”
And with that he stormed off after James and left Jeremy in the streets of Lapez alone and suddenly very heavy in the heart.
Should he have really stuck with them? They always left when one of them had a mechanical issue why was this different just because James was scared of heights? And yet he knew he’d messed up...the look of hurt on James’ face and anger in Hammond’s was seared into his mind's eye at the moment. James might be prone to bouts of irritation, but he was a kind person and was never outwardly emotional... but Jeremy had seen true hurt in his eyes.
“Hey Clarkson?” He heard from behind him, snapping him out of his thoughts he recognized the lead camera tech from May and Hammond’s film crew. He was alone and looked worn out as he approached the older man. “Heya, when you see James can you ask him to check in with me in the AM? Turns out the Lorry last night actually cleaved all the Go-Pros off the left side of the Suzuki so we’ve lost a lot of good footage, we’ll need him to fill in the timeline for the editing room before he forgets.”
“Lorry? What Lorry?” Jeremy asked, utterly confused.
“The Lorry from last night that pushed him off the road?” The tech paused for a moment and sombered up a bit before continuing. “We were up ahead but I guess it came up on them real quick, allbut shoved James almost off the cliff... Richard said he looked back and he just didn’t see him… Hard to tell I guess without James having any headlights, but he ran back and found him by the car on the edge, caught by a tree May was scared shitless.” The camera tech shrugged and patted Jeremy on the shoulder, not missing the man’s appalled face at this news. “I know, we heard when they caught up a few hours later from Hammond.” He nodded and went to leave before turning back he said “May’s been so quiet...I might check on him, make sure he’s ok...I think even us that don’t mind the height had quite a few scares. A man’s fears are nothing to scorn…” and with that he turned and headed off towards where the crew were staying.
Why was he such a pillock?
Steeling himself he turned to follow Hammond and to apologize to his dear friends for his words and actions.
~~~~~~~~
As James neared the hotel room he found his anger turning into the now familiar feeling of anxiety. By the time he reached the door he was struggling with getting the room key into the lock as he shook.
Jeremy’s biting words about being scared and their “fearless leader” had felt like a direct jab, had he known about what happened last night? Of course he must… and how Jeremy had brushed off their “apparent deaths”....James had known it was acting but the way in which he’d just disregarded them had left a frayed James so upset. Now his breaths turned to pants and then hitches as tears stung his eyes so suddenly that he was caught off guard.
“Bloody idiot!” He chided himself ruthlessly as he finally managed to roughly shove the key in and the door open. He allbut flung himself inside, not even nothing to lock the door as he ran towards the bathroom and found himself drive heaving into the closest bin.
His nerves were shock, he hadn’t slept or eaten in over 24 hours and he could still feel the tight grip of fear clenching his chest and stomach leaving him ill and weak as he struggled to remind himself he was no longer precariously perched on a cliff.
Yesterday had been utterly terrifying as he and Hammond had driven alone along those cliffs.
He’d had small panic attack after panic attack while driving and had tried to maintain for the film, embarrassed that the editing team would see his meltdown. Bless Richard and his sweet nature that he understood and didn’t question James as he drove slowly let locals pass him often.
He’d wanted Jeremy to be there so badly then, he was ashamed of himself.
He’d wanted, no NEEDED his….needed him guiding them and showing them they’d make it...he’d needed Jeremy and he’d just left them… and it had hurt James unexpectedly, he wouldn’tve thought it would’ve mattered but the pang of hurt left him feeling unsure and vulnerable. And then to hear his biting words this morning after last night's incident...
But instead of three, the two of them drove out again and traveling at a slow pace that Richard set, guiding them both and keeping them together, one eye on the road, one glancing at the rear view mirror as much as he could spare. All the while the film crew were ahead trying to catch Jeremy while also maintaining contact with the other hosts became impossible. They’d quickly decided then to split into two crews, one went ahead to catch Jeremy and the other drove slowly just ahead of James and Richard so they could catch up.
Then of course, as night fell James’s alternator had gone completely. They’d tried switching batteries but it hadn’t lasted long before he was forced to turn his headlights off completely, leaving him all but alone in the pitch black of the night aside from Richard and the Jeep’s guiding headlights. Shaking then, he’d managed to ask Hammond not to leave him in a small, scared voice that had startled the smaller man in his Jeep who in turn solemnly promised he wouldn’t.
It wasn’t much later into their drive that a large lorry truck had come barreling up the road behind them, it’s high beams on blinding James in the smaller Suzuki. The Lorry honked furiously as it squeezed past him and he felt the small red vehicle’s side being scrapped as it was shoved to the edge. He had tried to control the Suzuki as it moved but it was only luck that had saved him. He’d been on long frayed nerves and THAT had pushed him over and into an massive panic attack. As the dust settled he’d shoved the Suzuki into N and was on the ground heaving before he even realized how. The film crew who’d been ahead had missed the interaction and were unaware that the two hosts were no longer behind them, the cliffs turns hiding their missing headlights.
Richard had seen the whole thing however, being barely missed himself by the lorry himself, but when he’d managed to look back James’s red little SUV was gone. Trembling himself he’d parked his Jeep and ran down the road yelling his friends name only to find the Suzuki off the road and onto the cliff side, barely caught on a group of trees that were rooted in the edge. Relieve had flooded Hammond as he’d run over to James who’d been shaking but was also gasping for air as he moved to the roads other side. By the time he reached May his back was against the rough dirt, stones and plants of the opposing cliff side, trying to press himself as far from the edge as possible. Richards wasn’t sure what to do, as he tried to talk to James his words had been just washing past him. It took a long time for James as he struggled to find himself in a torrent of fear and tight, chest crushing anxiety, vaguely aware of Hammond. The rest, if he was honest, was a blur and he was glad he couldn’t recall it.
Now in the hotel room, bin discarded in the bathroom, James sat on the floor with his back pressed into a corner, feeling as he had last night, biting his lip in an attempt to stifle the sobs. ‘You’re weak, just like Jeremy said, a weak scared child!’ He berated himself, ‘And tomorrow you’ll have to drive again, and the next time.’ he thought, succeeding in worsening his misery as his mind raced, ‘the next time you won’t be safe, there’s no mathematical way you’ll ever be saved like that again.’ he thought as he began to feel like he had never gotten out of that red Suzuki, like he was still trapped on that terrifying road, in that small, dark SUV alone.
Sitting alone he lost himself as sobs racked him silently as his hands wrapped into his hair.
Richard, who hadn’t been to far behind him thankfully came into the room in a rush calling out “James? Where are you?” Hearing something he turned to find his friend on floor, back to a corner trying to stifle his sobs and ground himself. His hands were buried in his long hair as he fought with his emotions and Richard saw that his knuckles were white with tension as he came forward and down next to his mate. In a shadow and mirror of last night’s tense moments he tried to speak calm, encouraging words trying to talk his friend down, ‘Oh James...mate I’m so sorry ..’ He thought as he held his friends shaking shoulder. “It’s ok James, you’re here with me, not on that bloody road again..” but his words had no effect.
It was only a few moments later that the door opened quietly and Jeremy could be seen standing awkwardly in the doorway, his large frame fidgeting and his face unsure. Richard looked at him sharply, ready to tell him off when he suddenly looked down at James and then after a moment back to Jeremy. When he did his eyes had softened and he worried his bottom lip, an action Jeremy didn’t miss, before jerking his head in a motion for him to enter quickly and join them.
As Jeremy entered and locked the door behind himself James did not react, at this point he was struggling to breathe and couldn’t free himself from the grip of fear and panic that had taken ahold of him. Richard had one hand on his friends shoulder and the other holding his hand. He was trying in vain to calm him by telling him he was safe but James just kept moaning “Noo-oo we- we’re not..” between catching, hitching breathes.
Jeremy’s heart broke as he watched his two best friends, one trapped in a state of exhaustion and environmental induced panic and the other left feeling desperate and heart broken himself as he failed to comfort his ailing friend.
“You are mate, we all, are aren’t we Jeremy?” Richard said, his own voice thick with emotion as he failed again to comfort James.
Gingerly Jeremy sat down in front of James and looked at Hammond with pleading eyes before reaching to place a hand onto May’s which were tangled in his hair. “It’s alright James..” he said as James’s breath hitched.
May shook his head furiously. “Nooo~oo..” they heard again in desperation, “It’s not, nothing ok, we’re not safe...not again..and..Richard wasn’t safe...that lor..lorry...that...clift..my Suz, and then-” James said in a broken voice, his mind racing and words barely making sense as he took a shallow breath, his throat making a low keening noise that Jeremy and Richard simply couldn’t stand.
So, always a man of action Jeremy moved forward and without hesitation or regard toward the others personal space preference he pulled James towards himself, enveloping him in a full, protective embrace.
He guided James’s face into the hollow of Jeremy’s shoulder as the older man’s hand came up to hold the back of James’s neck in a gesture of comfort.
James went stiff, and before Jeremy would allow him to react he said “Oh May, you ARE safe I promise...I’m sorry mate, I’m so sorry, I didn’t ...I didn’t know about the lorry...I didn’t know..I shouldn’t have left, I’m so sorry” Jeremy whispered angstly. He feared that James would still shove him away, a shitty apology from a shitty friend. But instead James didn’t move, he just sobbed harder and hid his face, breaking his friends hearts more. “You’re safe now, I’ve got you James, you’re safe.” Jeremy paused and then added “Richard is safe, I’ll protect him too, he’s safe I promise...”
James nodded continuously into Jeremy’s shoulder weakly and his cries seemed to settle and Jeremy repeated his mantra of “Ive got you” and “you’re safe, I’m here” and the occasional sentiment akin to “I’ve got the Hamster” or “He’s safely tucked in our pockets Slow, he’s ok.”
Next to him Jeremy heard Hammond say “He is now Jezza, he is now.” And when he looked up he saw his other mate’s eyes were soft again having already forgiven him. Yes, bless Hammond and his kind heart.
“Breathe with us Captain, feel his breaths and match them, common you can do it.” Richard coaches and is rewarded with a shaking hand from May blindly searching for his, holding onto it Hammond knew they’d be fine, together, in the end, even with an ape protecting and leading them.
The next morning:
At the shop in Lapez where they were tasked with “upgrading their vehicles for the terrain” Jeremy watched James put tools away on the green peg board with care as he places each one in their designated position. May in his excitement is showing Jeremy as he smiles with fondness. Reaching forward he compliments the layout and effectiveness of the order. When he turns he finds James beaming at him and over his shoulder he sees Richard’s shy smile and nod to him before tucking around a corner.
~ End