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It's one of the bad days.
They come and they go, and Dan never quite knows why. Some days he'll wake up, and everything will seem worse somehow. Uni will seem more annoying than ever. Phone calls from mum or dad – especially dad - will stress him out. The comments on his videos, the mean ones calling him things, will nearly make him cry.
And a couple of days later, he'll be back to normal. He won't be ecstatic about studying law, but he will endure it. He will talk to his dad, hear all the things, and pretend they don't matter. He will read the comments, send some to Phil, and laugh them off.
Today is one of the bad, bad days, and he knows it from the moment he opens his eyes.
He should have stayed over at Phil's. Even living in the halls is depressing, and waking up alone is something Dan is struggling to deal with on the best of days, let alone days like this.
It's one of the bad days. Dan just knows it.
-
Looking in the mirror, he struggles to recognise himself. Is he really this ugly? What's with the hair? He looks ridiculous, doesn't he. He doesn't resemble any of the cool people he wishes he could look like. He looks like an imposter. It doesn't matter that he kind of has people that watch him too, he still can't compare to the people he looks up to.
He splashes some cold water on his tired face and his eyes begin to sting.
What is the point of going to class? He's far too dumb to be a lawyer. And even if he wasn't, why should he want to be a lawyer? Is there anything less like him? He's the opposite of a lawyer. Not very smart, not very serious, not very confident. And he hates it. Hates law. Hates everything, really.
In the pocket of his jeans – which are a size too small – his phone vibrates. He is grateful for it. It allows him to escape the hold of staring at his own reflection.
Of course it's Phil. His Phil. Maybe it's alright that most things in Dan's life are kinda shit right now. He'd been lucky to get this literal dream come true – to get Phil. His amazing boyfriend.
You can only get lucky with so many things in life, and all things considered, he wouldn't have it any other way.
Phil <3, 8:31 AM
Goooood morning :]
<3 <3 <3
I missed you last night
You'd better come over after class or I'm going to bite your head off :[
Rawr
Dan smiles. When he leaves the bathroom, he takes one last glance at himself in passing, and finds that there are tears streaming down his cheeks.
It's one of the bad days. Made better by Phil, but still kind of bad.
-
Everything feels like a blur, this whole day. It drags on and flies quickly all at the same time. Minutes and hours feel like an eternity when he knows he will see Phil as soon as he is done here.
He thought of skipping class, but he already has far too many absences. So there he is. Studying law. Laughable, really.
People speak, but he hardly hears them. He's too stupid to understand anything that they say. He looks down at his notes, but they're mostly scribbles and doodles, only made to make it seem like he is doing something.
While he dwells on his own shortcomings, in the back of his head, he hears a little voice. Phil's voice. Phil wouldn't want him to think like this, even if it's true.
It's not a good day, and he... he just wants to see Phil.
-
It's still a bad day when Phil swings the door open, meeting Dan. What's worse is, Phil just instantly knows . Why does he know? Dan didn't want to bring him down too. Dan wanted them to do something fun.
But Phil can tell. Is it in his eyes? Does he look as dead as he feels on the inside?
"Dan," Phil says softly, immediately pulling him into a hug. Dan relaxes into Phil's embrace, allowing himself to be held. "I missed you."
"I missed you," Dan says back, because it's more than true.
Dan loses track of time. Phil's arms are still wrapped around him when they somehow end up on the sofa. Phil runs his fingers through Dan's hair, kissing his forehead.
Dan doesn't know how Phil seems to just understand. But then again, he always did. They both always did.
-
Phil is cooking dinner. Dan goes to the loo, and in the hall, he looks in the mirror again.
And it's still a bad day. What does Phil even see in him? His hair almost looks better now that it's been all messed up by Phil, but it still looks ridiculous. He's got no sense of style, no sense of—
"Dan?"
He sees Phil in the mirror behind him, looking at him with concern. Not with pity, just concern . Phil never feels sorry for him, never pities him. He just... He just wants Dan to be...
"Oh, Dan," Phil utters, hugging him close from behind.
Dan hadn't realised that he was crying up until he looked at himself again.
"I'm sorry, I'm just—I'm—"
"Come here."
Dan does without question - he turns around, allowing Phil to pull him in. He then buries his face in the crook of Phil's neck, staining his shirt with tears.
"Did something happen?" Phil whispers. He is rubbing comforting circles across Dan's back.
Not really is probably the answer he should give Phil, but…
"I hate uni." Dan feels Phil nod close to his head. "I hate—I hate the halls. And I hate my hair. I look like an idiot. And—" Dan pauses, fully expecting Phil to dismiss it all now. Nearly everyone else would have.
"And?" Phil says instead. Of course he does. He never downplays how Dan feels, even if Dan himself knows it's stupid.
"And I'm an idiot."
Dan feels the loss keenly when Phil pulls back. He also wants to immediately hide his face. He probably looks awful, his eyes red, cheeks wet from tears. He's acting like a fucking child, and—
Phil cups his face, wiping away Dan's tears. He purses his lips in that way that speaks of worry - Dan knows this expression by now; he'd seen it before.
"I hated uni too. And I hated living with other people around. Um, and I—I hate my hair too! Yours looks so much better. You look gorgeous , Dan." Somewhere between one word and the next, Phil's worry transforms into a loving smile. "And you're not an idiot. How many times do I have to tell you? Stop insulting my boyfriend, you rude, rude person!"
Dan doesn't say anything. Doesn't know what to say.
He hears the words, but doesn't truly believe them. Might never believe them, unfortunately. But having known Phil for a while, he knows that Phil believes these words. And somehow, that is all Dan needs right now.
The tears that now well up in his eyes are of a different kind. Not entirely, but still. It's not just self-loathing now. It's love. And while it's not love for himself, it is love for Phil, and there is loads of it to help push the sadness out.
"You're crying again," Phil says, a hint of fear in his voice. "I'm sorry, did I—did I say the wrong thing? Should I stop?"
Dan vigorously shakes his head. He wraps his arms around Phil's waist, holding onto him with all of his strength.
"No. No. I don't want you to stop. Never stop."
-
The next day feels a little bit brighter.
Dan still thinks he looks ridiculous. Still hates uni. Still feels… sad, for no reason. And tired. And—and all sorts of other things.
But he wakes up next to Phil, and it's still a kind-of-bad-day, but beneath the clouds, a hint of hope emerges.