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************
It was cold.
That was the first thought Niall was conscious of having that morning. It obviously wasn’t his first thought; somehow he’d gotten up, gotten dressed and made his way downstairs, so he must’ve had some other thought processes. But it was the first thought that registered with him.
It wasn’t snow-inducing, bone-chillingly freezing cold, but it was still cold enough to prickle at his skin- even through the old and slightly dirty jumper he’d thrown on that morning. It was cold enough that he should probably turn the heat on. Liam always used to get frustrated with him for never doing that, instead sitting shivering wrapped up in blankets because he was just too plain lazy to get up.
“What is the point,” He would say the second he walked in the door, flicking the switch as he entered the living room, “in you having a fancy central heating system if you’re never going to actually use it?”
Niall always used to laugh at him when he did this, and eventually Liam would join in. He’d cross the room and squish in next to Niall on his favourite armchair and Niall would wrap him up in the doona too. They’d stay like that for most of the morning, cuddled in and whispering stupid jokes until the house eventually warmed up to habitable temperatures.
********
He eyed the switch on the wall now. He could get up and turn it on. Let it slowly heat up the house. He could make himself some tea. Maybe take a shower – he couldn’t remember when he’d last done that.
Niall did none of these things though. His arms wrapping tighter around his body, he stayed in his chair, glaring at the wall.
Look at this Liam, he thought with a misplaced feeling of defiance.
Watch me just fucking freeze to death on my own. I could go turn on the heat but I’m not going to. What’re you going to do about that, huh?
With no response to his thoughts forthcoming from Liam, Niall eventually averted his gaze to the ceiling. It really was cold this morning. It must be October by now. Or maybe it was even November. He wasn’t really sure anymore.
Either way, it was autumn.
Liam had always loved autumn. He’d force Niall to put on his jacket and drag him out on walks through the park. They’d walk hand-in-hand and admire the way the landscape changed so dramatically as the trees changed colour and dropped their plumage. Sometimes they’d run around like little kids and jump on the leaves, trying to find the most satisfyingly crunchy ones. They’d kick over neatly raked piles and their breath would curl as a fog in the chilly air in front of them as they laughed. When they made it back to one or the other of their houses, red-faced and white-nosed, they’d dump their coats and Liam would head straight to the kitchen to make them both a hot drink. Niall would always try to distract him, poking and teasing, dancing around the kitchen while Liam got increasingly huffy. He’d always concede with a kiss though; and then he’d present Niall with a steaming mug of something delicious.
********
A sharp rap on the door snapped Niall out of his head. The knocks came again and again. Short, sharp and impatient. Niall didn’t bother going to get it. They’d come in eventually.
The sounds of a key scraping in the hole and the door being opened still didn’t give Niall cause to get up. He only wondered who it would be today.
He didn’t have to wonder long before Louis’ voice floated to him from the hallway.
“Fucking hell man, it’s freezing in here. Do you want to die of hypothermia?”
Niall didn’t bother answering. Louis knew the answer to that question.
“Also, is it really that hard for you to answer the door when I knock?”
Louis made his way into the room, flicking the switch that Niall had been glaring at not 2 minutes prior. A low rumbling signalled the heating grinding back to life after a long period of disuse.
“You’ve got a key; which you clearly don’t have a problem with using.”
“Well maybe I wouldn’t have to use it if you got up off of your arse for once.”
Niall stared back up at the ceiling, fuming quietly. He didn’t know what was worse; days when Harry came and spoke only in whispers, trying to get Niall to ‘open up about how he was feeling’; days when Zayn came and they’d both sit there in uncomfortable silence, neither knowing what to say to the other anymore; or days when Louis came and was a massive prick, trying to snap him out of it. Any way you sliced it their insistent presence in his day was annoying. They said they were just trying to watch out for him, but he wished that they’d stop.
********
For the first month or so he’d refused to leave bed. All three of them used to come by back then. They’d perch at the end of the bed and exchange worried glances, speaking in delicate tones as though Niall would break if they spoke too loudly, or allowed even a single harsh word to creep out. They’d bring him food and water, and try to get him to acknowledge them. He blocked them all out. Those days he didn’t care about them or anything else. His body had been ripped in two and he wanted to be left alone so that he could just fade out already. They refused to let him slip though, and so one day he’d gotten up. Walked out to the living room, doona trailing behind him, and curled up in his- in their – favourite chair.
There wasn’t really any point in staying in bed all day anyway without that warm body next to him. Waking up was almost painful when the first thing he saw wasn’t a smooth back, or a pair of brown eyes already awake and watching him. Knowing that if he checked his phone there wouldn’t even be a text telling him that his boyfriend would be over soon. No lazy conversations about their dreams the previous night, or about whether Liam would ever actually go back to his own home for more than a few hours.
So he’d adopted this semblance of animation and that had been enough for the others to back off of him a bit, but not enough for them to stop the daily ‘pretend to just be in the neighbourhood so we can make sure Niall hasn’t done anything stupid’ checks. At a lack of any more recent improvements they’d dropped the pretence of randomly popping around, and were openly monitoring him.
Normally the days Louis came weren’t that bad. At least he had someone to argue with; a way to get rid of some of his anger. Once upon a time he’d seen Louis as the most hilarious guy in the world, and now he was his personal verbal punching bag. He would always get what he was given though, and that was how they conversed now. In sharp jabs and harsh comments. But some days he just really wasn’t in the mood, and today was one of those days. Too bad Louis was terrible at telling the difference.
“So have you actually eaten anything today?”
“Piss off.”
“Does that mean I’m doing to have to pin you down and force a bowl of cereal down your throat again?”
“Piss. Off.”
“Seriously, you could at least function enough to feed yourself, don’t you think?”
“I SAID PISS OFF! I don’t need a fucking babysitter, so just leave!”
Niall was yelling; his disused vocal chords scratching a bit with the effort, but Louis didn’t back down.
“Well clearly you do need a babysitter. Because from where I’m standing I don’t see a Niall capable of taking care of himself. I see a Niall who’s slowly wasting away to bones. Whether it’s because he’s too lazy to eat, or because he truly does want to kill himself I don’t care because it’s fucking stupid either way. I see a Niall who hasn’t washed himself or even looked in a mirror for weeks now; whose breath smells like stale beer all the time, who hasn’t left this house in months. I see a Niall who is not even pretending to take care of himself anymore and who’s given up on life. And I’m seriously pissed at this Niall. I bet Liam would be too.”
This was the last straw for Niall.
“Don’t you fucking dare tell me what Liam would think! You know absolutely nothing about him, so don’t pretend to know how he’d feel! You know nothing!”
“That’s funny, because last time I checked, I knew Liam pretty well.”
“You didn’t know him like I did. You didn’t love him like I did. None of you know what it’s like for me!”
Heat was prickling behind his eyes, because this was what annoyed him so much. Everyone else had moved on. They said they understood, that they were hurting too, but then they’d just moved on. Like Liam had never even existed. Like the hole he had left in the world could just be covered over.
“I mightn’t have loved him as much as you, but he was still my best mate, so you can get off your high horse and stop telling me that I don’t know what it’s like, okay? We’ve all had to deal with Liam dying, and I can assure you that it still hits me like a punch in the chest every single morning, but I still get up, and I get on with my life like a functioning human being, unlike you! And now it’s like the rest of us have to watch you die too, because I can’t even remember the last time I saw something other than blankness in your eyes! And it fucking hurts us okay, to watch you do this to yourself, to be without two of the people we used to love the most. So stop being so fucking selfish Niall! Because I do. I do know exactly how it feels. And I also know that Liam wouldn’t be able to stand seeing you like this either!”
Louis was close to tears, but Niall felt nothing for him. He kicked off his blanket and walked over so he was chest-to-chest with the boy.
“Fuck you Louis.” He breathed, and then turned around and headed for the hall.
“Would you look at that! Excellent fucking problem solving skills mate!” Louis’ sarcastic call echoed behind him but still Niall forced himself to move forwards, unthinking. Unfeeling.
He had to get out. All of the sudden he felt the desperate desire to leave clawing him apart. He need to leave these four walls. The only trouble was that he had nowhere to go and no means of getting there. His keys had long since been confiscated.
Fate, however, was hanging on the coat-rack by the door. Louis had taken off his jacket. Swiftly and somewhat desperately, Niall searched the pockets until he struck gold. His fist closed around the cool metal of a set of car keys.
********
Minutes later and he was streaming down the streets. He was probably going too fast, and he was probably still too drunk to be behind the wheel, but in the end what did he care? He just had to get out of here. He had to find somewhere that hadn’t been touched by Liam.
There was the ice-cream shop they’d visit on lazy afternoons. Liam would always get a single scoop of mint choc-chip, never once listening to Niall’s cracks about it. He’d just nibble at his cone demurely and raise an eyebrow. He never defended himself, just let Niall get through his speech until he’d eventually run out of things on his list of why mint choc-chip was a terrible flavour.
Although he didn’t mind the taste so much when it was lingering on Liam’s lips.
And there was the slight crack in the pavement that Niall had tripped over once, and even though he wasn’t hurt Liam insisted on carrying him home in a piggy-back. He’d over-estimated his own strength, as always, and nearly pulled a muscle trying to get Niall all the way back, but had still refused to put him down.
Coming up just ahead was the tree that probably still had their initials carved into it. Liam had flicked out a pocket knife one day, and with a conspiratorial grin had cut them in. For some reason that was the funniest thing Niall had ever seen, because he remembered laughing for about ten minutes afterwards. It was so cheesy and lame, but ridiculously romantic at the same time; and such a Liam thing to do in general. Driving past it he felt that same hilarity bubbling up again, and he just let it out.
He laughed and laughed. At the stupid tree, at the stupid memories, at stupid Liam and stupid dying.
It felt so good to laugh. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d done it.
So he kept it up, hooting and hollering with a hilarity bordering on hysteria as he wound down the windows and picked up even more speed.
He tore through the streets, the wind whipping up his hair. For the first time in such a long time he felt alive. His senses were aware, and he was laughing and he was going fast. He’d long since left behind the familiar streets, but it still wasn’t far enough away. He wanted to find somewhere that had never even heard the name ‘Liam Payne.’
What he’d do when he found that place he didn’t know; he was just sure that he had to get there.
The road starting winding, wrapping itself around a rocky hill, and still Niall followed it at hair-raising speeds, leaning into the turns like it was a video game. The air streaming in through the windows was colder now, but he didn’t wind them back up. He wanted to feel it; to feel the cold prickling on his skin.
It was the same sort of chill as the one on Liam’s hand those last days, spreading from where it touched his skin down into his bones until it was piercing his heart. Because the iciness of that touch had been when he’d finally accepted that Liam really was going to go, and that he really was going to be alone.
This cold he embraced. He let it sink through his body. If the cold was a symbol of death, then bring it on because he was the only one around.
********
Sitting surrounded by silence, Niall was struck at that moment by how much he missed music. It had filled every pore of his being before, wherever he went a tune went with him. He would sing to Liam, and Liam would sing back and that was how they passed the time as they went about doing all the little mundane things. Without someone to sing back, the music had disappeared.
But here and now in this car, all Niall wanted was some of that sound back. Noises, vibrations in the air, which made him feel like the king of the world.
He flicked on the radio and mindless pop filled the spaces. Too out of touch to know what it was, he sang along anyway. Not bothering to get any words right, just making noises, feeling his vocal chords working in the cold, cold autumn air.
And then the song was ending, and the radio DJ was announcing that coming up next was a ‘classic One Direction song’ and Niall started laughing again because of course. Of fucking course. Because that was just how today was running, wasn’t it?
So he turned up the volume further, and picked up even more speed. Then he let it flow out, belting the lyrics he could never forget, practically yelling out the window. In the back of his mind dread was creeping up though, and now it was coming with the music too, because here was Liam’s solo. He stopped singing, and just laughed. He laughed wildly at the same time as he cried. The tears started to flood, because it was so hilarious this tragedy. That such a voice was gone forever. That this was all that remained of it. That it never got to sing all the songs it wanted to. That it never got to say all of it’s “I Love You’s”.
A sharp bend in the road was coming up, and Niall should have been slowing down so that he could take it, but he wasn’t. He was speeding up. Liam was singing to him again after a forever without that voice, but he wasn’t really, and Niall was laughing and he was crying and the autumn leaves of the trees were starting to blur with his speed, and autumn was always Liam’s favourite season, and Niall was flying.
He broke through the barrier, and for a moment that felt like forever he was suspended in the air above the ravine while the last notes of Liam’s solo rang out.
I’m coming for you Liam was his last thought before time sped back up and he was crashing down and everyone else’s voices were picking up into the chorus.
The singing stopped on impact, along with Niall’s laughter.
****************
Niall stirred slowly, leaving his eyes closed for a minute as he woke up. He was shivering slightly; he must have kicked the blankets off in his sleep. Still he didn’t open his eyes to find them. He could feel Liam’s body pressed to his, one arm cuddling him in tight, and the body heat was enough.
Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew that this wasn’t real; that it was just the last tendrils of a dream clinging to his consciousness. Because he could feel that he wasn’t lying in their soft bed, but was rather on the ground with sticks poking into his sides. And those weren’t Liam’s arms, nor was that his voice whispering for him to wake up – that was impossible.
He wasn’t ready to wake up fully just yet though, so he remained there with eyes closed, enjoying his illusion; imagining that in a few minutes they’d get up and make pancakes. Maybe watch a movie. Just spend the day together.
“Wake up Niall. C’mon. Open your eyes.”
The voice of Niall’s imagination spoke persistently, taking advantage of the persuading tone that used to belong to Liam. Eventually Niall gave in and blinked his eyes open. His vision blurred and refocused. In front of him was a spance of patchy grass; covered with freshly dropped golden and red leaves. He was curled up on his side in a patch of dirt, freezing cold.
Following his line of sight along the ground he saw a mass of twisted metal; barely even recognisable as a car anymore. It was smoking thickly, the front had crunched in on itself and at least one tire had come detached. He cringed at the sight and squeezed his eyes closed again, wishing he’d never opened them in the first place.
He’d survived the crash then.
He didn’t know how to feel about that. Maybe it was a blessing, but at the moment he thought it was a bit more of a curse. Either way, he’d totaled Louis’ car, which he couldn’t help but feel guilty over. He knew that it wasn’t the car Louis would be the most pissed about, but it was still his fault.
Rolling over in an attempt to further ignore the wreckage, Niall idly wondered how he’d ended up over here, so far from where the car landed. And then he froze.
So distracted by the sights, he’d overlooked something else, a rather important something else, and he’d only noticed it when he tried to turn over.
He hadn’t dreamt the body next to him. There really was a pair of arms wrapped around his body. He was now pressed chest-to-chest with whoever was holding him, and he had no clue who it was or why. It wasn’t going to be the one person he wanted it to though, so he didn’t allow his hopes to rise. That part he could be certain he’d dreamt.
Eventually he gave up and opened his eyes again.
Liam laughed at his expression, and Niall’s heart stopped.
********
There was no mistaking it. Liam was holding him.
Liam, who had died months ago, and had broken Niall’s heart in the process.
Liam, who had hadn’t left his mind for a second since he’d died.
Liam.
He didn’t know whether he should pull him closer or run away screaming.
“Took your time. You must’ve been having a pretty good dream there Nialler.”
He settled for a combination of the two options. First he pushed himself away, scrabbling in the grass. Then he launched himself forwards so he was straddling Liam’s waist and started kissing his face; anywhere that his lips could reach was covered. He started crying silently, the tears slipping out and wetting his cheeks, but he still didn’t cease his attack on Liam’s face.
This was real, it had to be. Because there was no way for an illusion to feel this real; skin warm and smelling faintly of coconut lotion as though he’d just stepped out of the shower. No way for an illusion to be responding, kissing him back and holding him tighter.
His crying picked up until it was shaking his whole body and he couldn’t keep it up any more. Instead he lay on Liam’s chest and let his tears stain the shirt covering it.
Liam was real. He was here, and he wasn’t dead.
Liam let him cry for a while, hands rubbing his back and murmuring soothingly. Eventually he got his shock under control and slid off Liam, sitting up on his own.
“Why…how…what,” he didn’t even know where to start the questions. His eyes flickered between the wreckage and Liam propping himself up on the grass beside him.
“Am… am I dead?”
Liam sighed and pulled his knees up.
“Kind of. Not really.”
“How can I be ‘kind of’ dead? How could you be here otherwise?”
“When you crashed your chest hit the steering column pretty hard. And your head smashed the windscreen. Your heart’s still beating for now though.”
“What does that mean?”
Liam wrapped one arm around him before answering.
“It means you could go either way. It’s your choice.”
Then he was burying his face in Niall’s neck and pulling him close into a bone-crushingly tight hug.
“Oh Niall. Why did you do this to yourself?”
“I- I just didn’t want to live in a world without you.”
“You can’t think like that Niall. There’s so much else for you out there. I’m not that important… I can’t even bear to think that I was the reason you did this.”
“None of that matters now though. You said I had a choice, so I’m choosing to stay here with you.”
Liam finally pulled himself away from Niall and stood up, extending one hand to help Niall do the same.
“You don’t have to make that decision yet. They’ve given us a full day, so let’s just go enjoy it, hey?”
********
They wandered around aimlessly for several minutes, holding hands without a word being spoken. Niall’s mind was reeling. He was somehow dead but alive at the same time. He was here with Liam. Which led to the question that had been bugging him since he’d woken up.
“Hey Liam… where exactly are we?”
“It’s kind of hard to explain. We’re in the After.”
Niall waited for further explanation, but none was forthcoming.
“Care to elaborate?”
“I wish I could, but it’s against the rules. You’re technically not meant to be able to see me at all right now, but I pulled a few strings and they let me come help you make your decision.”
Liam squeezed the hand that he was holding; the sensations registering in Niall’s own palm and reminding him that this was actually real and not just some crazy dream. Probably. He still hadn’t entirely ruled it out.
“Wait. So most people have to choose whether to live or die on their own?”
“Well, they’ll normally send a guide. It’s just not meant to be someone you know in case it tempts you one way or the other.”
“Oh. And I suppose I’m not allowed to ask who this ambiguous ‘they’ is, am I?”
Liam winked, “You’re catching on fast.”
********
They walked on a while more, the crisp leaves crunching underfoot. Liam seemed unfazed, bordering on cheerful, at the whole situation. Niall supposed that he should be overjoyed, really. He was back with Liam and had the option to never leave him again, which was what he’d wanted all these long months wasn’t it? He turned his head to look over his shoulder. The wreckage of the car was off in the distance, still smoking slightly. Ahead of them was nothing but more trees, more grass, more dirt.
“So where exactly are we headed?”
Liam smiled at him, quirking an eyebrow. “Beats me. This is your After.”
“I’m already getting sick of you being all mysterious and confusing. Are you trying to say that my After is just a random forest near the road?”
“Don’t be silly. Your After is wherever you need it to be. We’re here at the moment because it’s where you expected to wake up I guess, but if we keep walking we’ll eventually end up somewhere new.”
Liam pulled Niall in close to his side, ruffling up his hair. Niall took their proximity as a chance to wrap one of his arms around Liam’s waist; and so they walked side by side like that for what seemed like an age but also no time at all.
They walked on and on, and neither of them filled the silence, but the silence never managed to fill them either. They walked until Niall was sure his feet would have fallen off if he was still actually alive, yet they never got bored of the endless trees. Without even noticing it they walked out of the forest, on to a road and into a little street. Niall didn’t recognise the street itself, but navigated it instinctively, leading Liam down streets and turning at corners. The roads were empty of cars and the houses looked long abandoned, although they were still in perfect condition. It was a literal ghost town.
Eventually they were approaching a shop and Niall didn’t even hesitate to enter. It seemed clear now that this had been where they were heading the whole time. Liam glanced at the sign over the door before chuckling.
“Really Ni? The place that you wanted, at the depths of your heart, to spend a day with me at was an icecream shop?”
Niall laughed too, this time out of genuine happiness rather than a morbid hilarity.
“Yeah. I guess I’ve just been doing some reminiscing today, y’know?”
Liam pulled him closer and kissed him; their first proper kiss in so many months. Niall closed his eyes, and let that familiar sensation come back, the one that he’d taken for granted. He let the warmth spread from everywhere their bodies were touching until it was engulfing him. Long gone was the piercing cold of the morning; here and now it was as warm and comfortable as being wrapped up together in their doona again.
********
Pulling away, the colours seemed so much brighter to Niall, all of his senses in overdrive. Feeling a childlike sense of giddiness induced by being in an ice-cream shop, he hopped over the counter and located the scoop.
“Hello sir, what flavour what you like to try today?” Niall gestured towards the full array of choices lined invitingly in their little tubs. He dropped the character to add an addendum, “And don’t say what I think you’re going to, because I will hit you.”
“Why can’t I get a flavour I like? That seems unfair.”
“Life’s unfair. And death definitely is too. Deal with it.”
“If I can’t have one that I like neither can you.”
Liam crossed his arms and stared Niall down crossly, but the corners of his mouth were twitching with laughter.
“Fine. I pick a flavour for you, and you pick one for me.”
Rather predictably, but also to Niall’s extreme dismay, Liam selected mint choc-chip for him. He was not the only one disappointed though; Liam was eyeing his double scoops of rainbow swirl and strawberry rather warily.
“This actually looks like it might poison me.”
“Suck it up.”
Taking his own advice, Niall took a tentative lick of his cone. He would never admit it to Liam, but it wasn’t terrible. In fact, it wasn’t bad at all. He still thought it was and unnatural combination, but it tasted familiar. Maybe that was just because he associated the taste so closely with Liam’s kisses, but the contrast of flavours made him feel like he was home.
Thinking along these lines, he pulled Liam in for another kiss, still not entirely able to process that he would be able to do that whenever he wanted for forever now.
“So how do you like my choice for you?”
“It’s rather horrible. They do not match at all.”
“You can’t talk,” Niall retorted, gesturing to his own cone, “you like this shit.”
He leant over and nibbled at Liam’s cone, wondering how anyone could not find it delicious.
In the end they were taking so many ‘tastes’ of each other’s cones that they had basically just swapped. It was the inevitable conclusion, really. They sat side-by-side on the counter in the brightly coloured abandoned shop, swinging their legs and enjoying their treats. Niall couldn’t help but watch Liam out of the corner of his eye the entire time. Liam was doing the same, drinking in every aspect of Niall’s appearance that he could, from the messy hair to the bags under his eyes to the crumpled clothing. None of that mattered, because in his eyes Niall would always be perfection personified.
********
After they’d finished, Liam glanced at the old-style clock on the wall. Their time together was slowly ticking onwards, and Liam didn’t want to waste a second of it.
“Where to next?”
Niall thought for the briefest of moments before linking his fingers with Liam’s and pulling him along.
“C’mon. I know just the place.”
They once again walked the unfamiliar streets of this unfamiliar town, until they eventually reached a place that was familiar.
Pausing for a few beats at the entrance to the park, Liam pressed his lips quickly to the top of Niall’s forehead.
“How are you so flawless all the time? Don’t you ever get tired of it?”
Niall didn’t respond, instead looking down at the jeans he hadn’t taken off for four days because he was too apathetic to expend even the bare minimum of energy required to look after himself. He wasn’t the flawless one. Liam was. Liam, who had literally come back from the dead to be with him here and now.
He’d become all too accustomed to the tug of loneliness and regret that pulled at his stomach whenever he thought about Liam, but it felt out of place here and now, when he
could feel the warmth of Liam’s hand against his own. Not wanting to linger on the swirling darkness that had brought him to this point, Niall stepped forwards and entered their
park.
********
It wasn’t their park, per se, but it was close enough. Their park was tucked away between housing developments, not out here in the open between main roads. Their park was slightly neglected and overgrown. Their park was populated by swearing, smoking lads roaming in packs. But their park was also one of the few places they could be alone together without be hassled by fans or press. People had eventually come to accept them as an item, but that didn’t stop the stares. It was sometimes nice to come out to the slightly decrepit strip of land and just be with nature and one another.
So this wasn’t their park as they knew it. It was clean, it was empty, the benches had been fixed and the grass trimmed.
To them, it was as idyllic as paradise.
They strolled past the blooming flower gardens - that were overgrown with weeds the last time they saw them- to their usual spot, underneath the sprawling tree that shaded the ground and mottled the light.
They sat, close enough that their sides touched, and Liam picked one of the golden leaves from the ground beside him; twirling it between his fingers.
“I’ve always loved autumn.” He mused aloud. Niall just hummed in soft agreement. It really was beautiful, all of these colours spread out around them. Full of ice-cream, overwhelmed and suddenly tired, Niall lay down with his head in Liam’s lap. Liam threaded his fingers through Niall’s hair and played with it gently.
A few birds hopped along the lower branches of the tree and Niall pointed them out lazily. They sat there and just watched.
********
The day took on a slow, lethargic quality that they were both okay with. It was one they were familiar with from the weekends they had off. When they were both so tired from travelling around that all they wanted to do was be together, quiet and still. Liam slowly traced the outline of all of Niall’s features, as if committing them to memory.
As time passed they talked. It was casual and light, words blowing along in the breeze.
Liam wanted to know about what had gone on in his absence; how everyone he’d left behind was and what they were doing. Niall had been so wrapped up in himself in the time since Liam’s death that he could barely answer any of them. He felt a twist of guilt in his gut as he realised that he couldn’t even answer as to whether or not Zayn was still doing his art. He should know something as fundamental as that about one of his best friends. He’d missed so much time with them all, and now he was going to leave them behind.
He had questions of his own though. He wanted to know about the After, and what it actually was. Liam, restricted by what he was allowed to tell him, could only give vague generalisations that didn’t really answer any of his queries. Neither of them could say what they really wanted to.
Slowly conversation drifted to more general chatter. They reminisced, laughing at old memories. Of days like this one, and days that were not. Of time spent together, and of time spent with others. Brief snapshots that seemed to encompass their lives and love for each other. Of their first kiss, at two in the morning when they were both delirious with jet lag. They’d been lying next to one another on a hotel bed, and for no reason at all they’d rolled over to meet one another’s lips. It just seemed like a natural thing, as though it was something they did all the time. And soon it became just that.
********
As each recollection passed, Niall couldn’t help but feel like they were letting them go to escape into the open air.
He’d clung to these memories of Liam like a lifeline, because they were all he had left. Now that he had Liam again in person it felt as though these little pieces of the past were disappearing, like they were turning red and dropping as autumn leaves. He wasn’t sad about it, but it was certainly a melancholic time, bringing up everything he’d lost.
Although, he supposed, these were technically the things he was regaining now that he was going to die.
He watched the sun dip lower and lower towards the horizon, knowing that soon his day would be up and he’d have to make the decision to move on for real.
Liam was also watching the sky redden and the shadows grow. Their time was running out, and much faster than he would like. It would be so easy for him to be selfish, to keep Niall all to himself. Because he’d missed him like crazy, and the thought of leaving him again was almost unbearable. It had been a day as perfect as he could have hoped for, but now it was time for him to do his job.
********
“Look, Niall, I know you’ve got your mind set on staying here, but you need to consider all of your options.”
“What options? I’m staying with you. The end.”
“But the thing is, that’s not the end. It doesn’t just end with you and I.
You die to be with me, but you leave everyone else behind. I know what happens if you choose to stay here. You leave our family, who haven’t even seen you since my funeral. The other boys, who will blame themselves for not looking after you properly. Especially Louis. He ran after you the second he realised what you were doing. He actually chased the car for a few streets. You can’t even imagine what he’s going to feel when he finds out you killed yourself. He’ll spend the rest of his life wondering if he could have stopped you if he’d been just a bit quicker.
Then there’s all of our fans; so many girls who haven’t even met you who will cry themselves to sleep for a month.
There’s so many people other than me who need you Niall.”
Niall didn’t know what Liam was trying to do. He sat himself up and pushed away so that they were sitting apart. The knot that had been building and growing inside of him without him even fully realising it was tightening to the point where he felt like he couldn’t breathe anymore.
“I didn’t mean to kill myself though. It was an accident. Surely that means I’m meant to die anyway?”
“You’ll be killing yourself if you choose to stay here. You have an option; one that I would have given anything for. And I can’t let you waste it.
Your life is going to be so great Niall. I’ve seen it. There are so many things you haven’t done yet that you’ll miss out on if you stay here. You’ll be so happy out there. You deserve it. So please, please choose it.
For me.”
“What, you’re omnipotent now?”
“Close enough,” Liam laughed half-heartedly and pulled Niall in close, tucking his chin on top of the smaller boy’s head. The tears Niall had been trying to hold in all afternoon were finally spilling over, tracing slow lines down his face because he didn’t want to wipe them away.
“What about you?” He finally asked in a small, trembling voice.
“What are you doing while I go out and live this supposedly great life? Do you just wait around for the next 70 years for me to become an old man? Why don’t you want me here with you?”
Liam could feel himself nearing tears as well. This was always going to be the hardest part. Letting go of Niall again. He was determined to be strong though; this wasn’t his life. He had to support Niall.
“Time works weirdly here. You’ll live your life, and then eventually we’ll meet again. It won’t be that long for me; and even if it was I’d wait for you. You know that.”
Niall tightened his grip on Liam’s waist. Both of them melted into the embrace, neither wanting to let the other go.
“I can’t leave you again Liam” Niall whispered.
“Yes you can.”
Liam pressed their foreheads together and tried to ignore the time that was persistently passing as they sat like that.
********
“How long have we got?”
Finally he was forced to look up. The sun was half hidden behind the ground, and the first of the stars were just starting to become visible. He sighed, long and low, deflating even further.
“We should probably leave now.”
********
Silently they stood up and clasped hands tightly again. With the same certainty as before, Niall led the way out of the park and back towards the forest. The whole way his mind was whirling with all of the things he hadn’t said to Liam yet.
He wanted to tell him that he loved him, and that he always would. That nothing could ever change it. But there were no words that could tell Liam anything he didn’t already know. So once again they walked in silence.
The return trip was much quicker than Niall expected. He guessed it was because he knew where he was going this time, but he couldn’t help but think that it wasn’t fair. He slowed his pace as they approached the wreckage, but all too soon they were standing at the base of the cliff.
At the top, where the sky was lighter, he could see the flashing lights of ambulance and police cars. They were standing a little way away from the car itself, where shadowy figures that weren’t entirely formed – as though they weren’t really there – were beginning to slow.
“Wait, hasn’t it been a full day since the crash? Why are they only getting here now; surely it would have been seen earlier?”
“I told you that time works weirdly here. It’s been a full day for us, but only a little bit over an hour for them.” He watched the figures forlornly for a while. “They’re going to revive you soon.”
********
Niall looked at him with confusion
“They’re going to revive me? Did I even have a choice about what happened to me?”
“Not really, no. I just wanted you to come to the decision to yourself. To realise how much you still had in life.”
“Why did you get to come here in the first place though if I didn’t have the option?”
“I wasn’t lying when I said that they sent guides. Usually they just help people come to terms with things before they wake up. Especially with suicides.
I apparently had a few favours owed to me from my life, so I cashed them all in for one last day with you. For you to see that I’m okay. And that you will be too.”
They fell silent, hands still wound tightly together, watching the shadowy figures that were slowly becoming more solid. As the figures pulled what looked like a body from the wreckage, they both averted their gaze.
“Will I get to see you again?” Niall asked. “You know, before…”
Liam smiled forlornly.
“I’m afraid not. This was a one-time thing. You won’t be able to see or hear me, but I’ll be there for you. I promise.”
********
Niall’s vision was starting to go white at the edges, and tears were prickling at his eyes again.
“I’m not ready to go Liam. I’ve changed my mind.”
“No you haven’t” Liam whispered.
And then they acted simultaneously, moving in for a final kiss. The kiss was gentle at first, then more urgent. It was a kiss unlike any they’d shared throughout their years of living. It was both more intense and more intimate. Niall felt like he was taking part of Liam with him. It was the kiss that would have to last a lifetime. And all too soon it was over and Liam was pulling away.
“I love you Niall. Always.”
“I love you too Liam.
Liam?
Liam!
Wait!
Liam…”
“Easy buddy, you’re going to be okay.”
“Has anyone found any I.D yet?”
“He’s coming around!”
********